Who would be interested in this?

[Ashiok]

I want to take this prompt literally and write about people being glued/fused together... 

[Delightful]

This month is a bit crazy for me, I'll try write but not sure if I'll actually get something decent done. Cool prompt though!

[Kobold King]

It's not anything super involved, just a metal-framed, glass-walled path over a street connecting two businesses to each other. It's usually heated from the two buildings it connects, and it saves pedestrians a lot of time waiting for a crosswalk signal. Downtown Spokane has a lot of them.

 

Those sound really cool. I mean, they're probably nothing special to people who use them or see them every day... but to me, sitting in a wood cabin in the middle of Texas, they sound exotically fantastic.

 

 

I want to take this prompt literally and write about people being glued/fused together... 

 

 

Not really what I had in mind, but whatever inspires your creativity...

 

I'm still struggling for ideas, ironically enough. But I'll make sure I write something, at least. Even if that something is just a thousand words about a pony living in the Everfree Forest.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Those sound really cool. I mean, they're probably nothing special to people who use them or see them every day... but to me, sitting in a wood cabin in the middle of Texas, they sound exotically fantastic.

 

You do get used to them after a while, but it is pretty cool, having a birds-eye view of the city as you're walking from the mall to the bus station. And they're super convenient. I don't know why more cities don't have them (namely, those with temperatures that soar above 110 F in the summer). 

 

 

This month is a bit crazy for me, I'll try write but not sure if I'll actually get something decent done. Cool prompt though!

 

 

Oh! I don't think I've said this yet, but I loved your story. You described your setting in a way that made me feel like I was not only at a Hanukkah fair, but that I'd seen one before (when I hadn't even heard of them before reading your story). 

[Delightful]

Oh! I don't think I've said this yet, but I loved your story. You described your setting in a way that made me feel like I was not only at a Hanukkah fair, but that I'd seen one before (when I hadn't even heard of them before reading your story).

Wow. Wow. Thank you. I think that's the most flattering compliment my writing has ever received.

I haven't read yours or the other submissions yet, but I'll make a point of doing so ASAP.

[Quiver]

So, I finally got started on reading pieces! So... hope you guys don't mind fairly sporadic responses to them, as my schedule and stuff allows. .

 

Edgedancer

First, maybe it was just me, but I got a very definite Swords & Sorcery style vibe from this. The two protagonists might be responsible for that -I will forever associate duos with the genre, thanks to Ffhard and the Grey Mouser- but the set-up for it also seemed very Swords & Sorcery-ey, particularly the mental image of Caza dragging a treasure chest with a fireplace built onto it through the snow.

 

I also kind of got a Brandon-vibe from the piece. Caza's reiteration of how cute the sea devil was reminded me of Tonk Fah in Warbreaker (another Sword/Sorcery story), but mentioning Sharpness right away (without really pausing to explain what it meant) sort of seemed like Szeth's scene at the beginning of Way of Kings... and just in case it sounds like I'm being too critical, I'll add that I like all of that stuff.

 

What I don't like is the use of drowned as a curse... but that's petty back-biting, since I've been thinking of a naval-based fantasy for a while and considering using that as a curse in that. How dare you steal my completely undisclosed and unrelated idea!

 

More seriously though... I have to admit, there were some parts of the prose which jumped out at me and distracted me from the story. Some of it could just be down to style differences; as much as I love Brandon's work, for instance, there are still more than a few moments or phrases or what-have-you which make me pause and stall. So... while I'm going to mention stuff I didn't like, feel free to disregard any/all of it as you see fit.

 

First off, and a very minor point... at the beginning, when comparing the Sharpness of the snow. You spell out five, then use numbers for ten. Like I say, it is a very minor thing -and if it happened later in the piece, I probably wouldn't care as much- but seeing that happen right at the beginning was a little... off to me.

 

A second thing was that... I think you might have slipped tenses on a few occassions. Now, I'm not certain of that; grammar is second only to spelling in how bad I am at it. But some lines, such as this one:

 

That’s a good sign for once, if they are still sane enough to give up and retreat the spring didn´t go completely amok yet, it also means he didn´t have to put them down. Caza scratched the back of his head as he turned back to the other person.

 

 

-sound like it happening in the moment, whereas the rest... doesn't. If '[That is] a good sign' were in italics, I don't think it would matter -since it would be Caza's thoughts in that instant- but since it's the narrator... I'm less certain, especially since at the end of the paragraph he "turned", rather than turns.

 

For style, the only thing I have to say is that it seems like you favor using long sentances; again, not exactly bad, since I do the same. But-and again, this might just be me- I think you use them a bit too much; the scene with Caza's thoughts as he drags the chest across the snow, for instance, might sound better if you made some of the sentences shorter, or more fragmented, just to give a greater indication of his irritation at the cold and at dragging the chest. Same goes for the action scene against the snow monsters. As it is, while it's clearly written which is an accomplishment in itself when it comes to action- I didn't really get a great sense of tension or urgency from it, and I think that could be corrected by expanding the scene a little bit, making the fight longer/more even, and mixing things up so it is a lot more dangerous.

 

...And after all that, I want to end on something positive; I'm interested in this. Like I said, it has elements of stories I'm interested in; the S&S style duo, the Sandersonian magic system, the hints at greater world building. You mentioned the Springs going out of control, throwing the world into chaos; while I think that particular plot element might have been better seeded throughout a longer piece, I am very curious as to what, exactly, that means. What's in the chest that is supposed to deal with that?

And you said springs- does that mean there are others in the world? Are they all freezing cold, or at the same time this is happening, is another team trudging their way through a Sharpness Twenty desert to fix their Spring?

 

TwiLyght

Now, as a disclaimer: I'm not up to date on Spokane.

 

Honestly, my big complaint about this was that I thought that not enough happened in it; it struck me more as being a scene in a bigger narrative than a complete story in itself. After all, you introduce Richard Stombaugh, who I constantly misread as Stormbaugh, but the piece ends with Susan deciding to just... watch him in the future. It didn't seem like much of a payoff...

...Except looking back a page or two, you say this is a scene. So critisicisng it for not being more than what it is seems inappropriate.

 

For the content of the scene though... I don't really have much to say. The conversation seemed natural, and it gets some interesting details revealed fairly easily, like the position-jockeying that goes on in the hotel, or Susan's apparent celebrity within the world.

The same, mostly, goes for the narration, which I think is well done... with one exception:

 

 

 He wore a pressed red shirt beneath his dark wool jacket. There are many different shades of red, a multitude of hues between cherry and wine. His shirt fell at the darker end of the spectrum, nearer to garnet than to crimson.

 

For some reason, this line stands out to me. The whole piece seems to be written following Susan's thoughts and experiences- such as by not naming the Candle-tree until Stombaugh names it- but that makes this line stand out a little to me. rom what I can gather from the text, Susan is/was a farm girl, so I'm not quite sure why she suddenly has the insight to comment on the shades there are of red. 

Of course, as I say, I'm not up to date on Spokane, so it might be explained there; that Susan has some artistic inclinations or some such. As it is, however, it sounds like a comment that I would expect from a Nalthian or a Returned- not a bad thing, given my fanboy tendancies for that book, but it doesn't seem to sit with this character, and it kind of seems as if it was included so you could specify the color of his shirt as being at the "darker end of the spectrum".

 

Of course, despite complaining about that, I do have to add that I like the color red; it's traditional and Christmassy, and that means it contrasts with Stombaugh. In fact I kind of get the impression it's intended as warning... that particular phrasing just stood out to me.

 

Something else that stood out, in a good way, was your use of contrasts. In the opening paragaphs, for every warm Christmas image (like the red and green ribbons, or the pinecones) seems to be paired up with a colder one, like the brass handrail or the white ceramic. It dulls the wonder and awe of the opening a little bit, but it does make the introduction of the Candle tree more stunning, since those "cold" things are entirely absent even though we get the red, green and gold. 

 

I also love the subtle contrast between Mead and the hotel, and between Kendall and Stombaugh: 

Kendall doesn't appear in the piece at all, but Susan wants to and enjoys talking to her; Stombaugh is the focus of the scene, and she ends it deciding to avoid him whenever it's possible

Everyone in the hotel is jockeying for a better position by claiming they work closely with Mr Whitelaw, and Susan is concerned enough about being manipulated that she tries to cultivate an image that will make people want to impress her; Mead is a communal area where everyone shares a garden (suggesting a form of equality), and as a neighbourhood dedicated to farming, a 'farm-girl' like Susan would fit right in.

The candle tree, as Susan says, is a waste of resources that could be better spent on repelling parasites and diseases from crops- and since Mead is the designated farming town, it's implicit that they could have used a botonopath helping their crops instead of growing candleholders.

The opulence of the hotel is held in contrast to the simplicity of having goats and chickens run free in the backyard.

 

Delightful

Disclaimer numero dos: I know absolutely nothing about Judaism. I don't think that should matter overly much, since the story isn't about Judaism -it just has a Jewish cast- but... I figured I should make my background and it's ignorance pretty much forward before commenting. 

 

The heavy summer weather and buzzing of mosquitoes had, however, done little to deter the hundreds of other Jews from coming to the Hannukah fair, where they milled around talking, lining up for hot dogs or being dragged behind younger children who were desperate to ride the ponies or get dizzy on the spinning teacups.

Best story, end of discussion.

 

...Okay, more seriously:

I really, really like this piece. I would say it's positively Delightful, just to mess with your username, but that really doesn't do it justice.

 

Which is actually sort of terrible, because I don't really have anything to comment on. The characters were very believable, Becky in particular; she just seemed like a very ordinary person in terms of her beliefs and motivations. Same goes for the brief scene with Sam at the end, when he dismisses the "authority of a babysitter". The "Greek guard" was a little strange at first, but I figure it's kind of like people acting in-character at a Renaissance Fair, or how "The Sheriff of Nottingham" is expected to play up his (still existing, but legally defunct) role as a villain... and even then, the Guard apologised after Becky got up, so it is all just fun and games.

 

The only character who I didn't feel was as fleshed out was Menashe... but I kind of feel like that's part of the point of it, since Becky avoids him, and the only information we do get on him comes from her daydreams and brief, minute-or-so interaction with her towards the end... and again, he comes across as a nice guy. Extra points for including someone you describe as being "way religious" and having him interact with someone who is less so in a way that doesn't involve criticizing either party for their beliefs.

 

Also:

 

Drat. Talking to strangers made her feel awkward. She walked towards the table, then paused, hesitating. The mother caught her eye, and sighed “if you want food you gotta buy a ticket love. That way.” She jerked her thumb over her shoulder, in the direction of the crowd slowly leaving the rides and migrating towards the giant menorah. Becky froze, willing herself to speak, then found herself stuttering “th-thanks” and walking rapidly towards the mass of humanity. The woman would have told Sam that too, right? So he would have gone for a ticket. So he would be in this direction. She couldn’t believe he was amongst the crowd, otherwise her summer job would be as lost as Sam. No, he would be by the ticket booth, she would find him there. Definitely. And she didn’t have to talk to the fairy floss seller. Fine.

I love this paragraph; the short sentances, the statements... it all provides a really nice picture of the disorientation Becky is feeling and her panic at losing Sam and at having to possibly talk to strangers.

 

Honestly, the only complaint I have is that I didn't think the ending had enough of a bang. I think I would have preferred if you had ended it with the paragraph before the last, with her thinking about Menashe again, since that might have been a neat way to bring it back to the way the story opened- with Sam getting away from her because of the daydreaming-... but then again, adding the part that Sam is safe kind of shows her overcoming the "flaws" she had at the beginning of the story, and does make her character seem less focused on a romantic interest, which is something I always like.

 

Either way though... I really really like this piece.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Quiver

[Seana]

Thank you Edgedancer! By "Sandersonite" I mean something like trying to work up to his level. Immitating (not copying or fanwriting) his work.

[Seonid]

Almost time for January Submissions! When do we get the new thread?

[Quiver]

Forget new pieces, I still need to critique Seonids. Sorry about the delay- maybe take it as a compliment on how good it was?

Anyway...

I'll start the January thread in a day or so.

On the topic of which... I wasn't going to enter this month. But an idea for a setting occurred to me the other day, so... I might just post some notes/ideas I have on that, rather than an actual story, if that's okay with you guys.

[Seonid]

Sounds fine with me.

 

And I'll take it as a compliment only if it was good enough that it's hard to critique. If it is just so bad that you are trying to find a way to critique it without hurting my feelings, I'll (perversely) take it as an anti-compliment (like an insult, only about 20% cooler)

[Quiver]

Well, I might be taking a break for reasons, so I just went ahead and started the topic. 

[Seonid]

Note to self. What seems funny at 12 midnight after a long day's worth of work while you are drugged up because of a stupid head cold just seems ridiculous in the cold light of day.

 

Sorry, Quiver. My last post was meant to be a joke...but it sounded much funnier to my medication-befuddled mind. At least I got an MLP reference in there. That should cover a multitude of sins. The rest will just have to be covered by this month's submission!

[Quiver]

Uh... Seonid? Who exactly do you think gave you your upvote?

 

I thought it was funny, I was just in a bit of a rush at the time I replied lol. I am going to be taking a few days break though, to put some affairs in order in my personal life, though, which is why I opened the thread a little earlier than usual. Sorry if I seemed... offended? I dunno. I wasn't.

[Seonid]

So...I was going to post a January submission, but it's not quite done yet. It should be done soon, so I'll post it as soon as I get it.

 

Rather embarrassing to be late two months in a row, though.

[Kobold King]

Is there a plan in place for getting someone to write a February prompt?

[Ashiok]

I'll do it. Febuary is the month of valentines day, of bonds formed between loved ones. How is love (or another relationship) shown on your world? Any special courting ceremonies?

Edited February 2, 2015 by Ashiok

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Here's the February prompt. Sorry for the delay; I was busy mourning the Seahawks.

Happy Valentine's Day! To help take your mind off the flowers and candy, write about a character navigating a non-romantic relationship.

[Kobold King]

Here's the February prompt. Sorry for the delay; I was busy mourning the Seahawks.

Happy Valentine's Day! To help take your mind off the flowers and candy, write about a character navigating a non-romantic relationship.

 

Being the environmentalist hippie with no knowledge of sport that I am, my immediate horrified reaction was that some species of seahawk had recently gone extinct.

 

Awesome prompt! I'm thinking of writing a short piece about a human being and a pet. That's a kind of relationship I've always been fascinated by.

[Seonid]

I'm definitely thinking a sorcerer and her familiar.

 

After I post my Nessei marriage ceremony for last month, of course. Which also happens to easily satisfy both Kobold's and Ashiok's prompts...

[Lindel]

Just came across this. I probably won't have time this month, but I might join in starting in March or April. 

[the winter system]

I said was going to do the other ones but I didn't. So I'm not going to even try on this month. 

[Delightful]

I'm gonna try this month. No idea what I'll write about yet.

.....ok I just posted in the introduction thread about a gold rush Mistborn story. I wanna try combine that with a sixth of the Dusk esque Canary in a mineshaft, as the gold diggers familiar (since yall just mentioned familiars and they're both Cosmere...).

And I just realised Sixth is probably *based* on a canary in a mineshaft giving warning of deathly gases.......too much of a coincidence not to be.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Delightful

[Delightful]

Would anyone mind if I posted something not based off the prompt? I'm flipping between ideas and I'm not even sure I'll have anything finished this month, so just asking.

[Kobold King]

Would anyone mind if I posted something not based off the prompt? I'm flipping between ideas and I'm not even sure I'll have anything finished this month, so just asking.

 

To the best of my understanding, the prompt is simply a way to get people in the spirit of writing. I for one wouldn't mind if anyone posted something not based on a prompt.

 

This was Quiver's idea and Twi's prompt though, so maybe ask them?

[Quiver]

Would anyone mind if I posted something not based off the prompt? I'm flipping between ideas and I'm not even sure I'll have anything finished this month, so just asking.

 

You know what happens if you deviate from the prompt?

 

...But no, seriously, what Kobold said. The whole prompt thing is meant to encourage writing in general, so you shouldn't feel totally constrained by it. Honestly, I'm really glad to hear you have a lot of ideas to flip through, so I certainly don't object to you writing something not related.