Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 43 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: help im feeling perfectly fine and not depressed atm and slightly happy but also not deep down maybe just cuz I didn't get enough sleep and tired and weird today but also I'm perfectly fine but also not because intrusive thoughts go brrr kinda but they are a different variety of intrusive thoughts than the ones i was plagued by before and idk what's an intrusive thought and what's an actual thought that might need help for Wdym a different variety of intrusive thoughts?
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said: intrusive thoughts you can't control they just come up and whether you educate them or not is a different story but like il i mean yeah but... like... usually i don't like my intrusive thoughts and I'm like "go away!! pls!" and they scare me. maybe not the goaway but they always worry me, but the cause of that worry can be different. Either I'm worried I'll somehow... enact what the thought is thinking suddenly without control, or I'm worried I actually want to enact the thought and it seems kinda appealing and then that worries me? 2 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: Wdym a different variety of intrusive thoughts? see above i can.say specific thoughts ig if need be.. get rid of the share id in your member title link it's annoying pls Edited March 14 by Through The Living Girl
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Girl said: i mean yeah but... like... usually i don't like my intrusive thoughts and I'm like "go away!! pls!" and they scare me. maybe not the goaway but they always worry me, but the cause of that worry can be different. Either I'm worried I'll somehow... enact what the thought is thinking suddenly without control, or I'm worried I actually want to enact the thought and it seems kinda appealing and then that worries me? see above i can.say specific thoughts ig if need be.. So yeah, i get the feeling, i have the worst most horrible intrusive thoughts sometimes that i wouldnt even tell my therapist, so if its like, “wha if i commit this unironically unspeakable crime” yeah thats kind of normal. Storm teenage hormones, storm mood swings, storm the tree of knowledge of good and evil. dont tell me if its so bad that you feel uncomfortable, but if im wrong and its something completely different yeah
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Grass said: So yeah, i get the feeling, i have the worst most horrible intrusive thoughts sometimes that i wouldnt even tell my therapist, so if its like, “wha if i commit this unironically unspeakable crime” yeah thats kind of normal. Storm teenage hormones, storm mood swings, storm the tree of knowledge of good and evil. dont tell me if its so bad that you feel uncomfortable, but if im wrong and its something completely different yeah it's... kinda different crime intrusive thoughts are one part but not the main issue right now Spoiler basically I'm worried that i want to do bad behaviors/harmful stuff and enjoy it. I have thoughts that doing something I know I shouldn't would be... pleasurable/be nice or smth and then I'm like "uh oh I can't have this thought cuz that's bad and I don't actually want to be that cuz then ... stuff. and i don't actually, right? Right? Is this intrusive thought or am I...<idk what words to use>." and idkkkkkkkk and idk what's wrong with me and why depression is appealing. ugh ughugh idk i'd rather not elaborate too much but i will if i need to, and it'll be fine. sigh oh gosh what did i just wrote..... sigh ihatemyselfsomuch ordoi ihavenoidea butcanyoujustfixme
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 2 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: it's... kinda different crime intrusive thoughts are one part but not the main issue right now Hide contents basically I'm worried that i want to do bad behaviors/harmful stuff and enjoy it. I have thoughts that doing something I know I shouldn't would be... pleasurable/be nice or smth and then I'm like "uh oh I can't have this thought cuz that's bad and I don't actually want to be that cuz then ... stuff. and i don't actually, right? Right? Is this intrusive thought or am I...<idk what words to use>." and idkkkkkkkk and idk what's wrong with me and why depression is appealing. ugh ughugh idk i'd rather not elaborate too much but i will if i need to, and it'll be fine. sigh What’s important is that you do the next right thing. Make yourself the best version of yourself you can. Don’t feel guilt for having intrusive thoughts- you feel uncomfortable with them, thats a good sign.
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 why do i never get better ugagwghwhehej kkwkekedkkdkdkdkekwkwkkwkwkwkwkkkd i keeep soing stuff and talking theough it and trying new meds and doing stuff and having therapy and everyting and then i just wnsjdjsjwjjwiejcnndnsne injust make myself srupidsly depressdd or thinking again and snjwjejejxjhsjwhwj iwiwiiwuejejejehehehrhebrbdndrbbhrhrhrhehejrjjjejejejjnjjejrjrjejnb whywhywhywhwhhwhwywgwheywwwgwg
Aeoryi she/her Posted March 14 Posted March 14 13 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: i mean yeah but... like... usually i don't like my intrusive thoughts and I'm like "go away!! pls!" and they scare me. maybe not the goaway but they always worry me, but the cause of that worry can be different. Either I'm worried I'll somehow... enact what the thought is thinking suddenly without control, or I'm worried I actually want to enact the thought and it seems kinda appealing and then that worries me? see above i can.say specific thoughts ig if need be.. get rid of the share id in your member title link it's annoying pls tw depressing stuff Spoiler the thing is that you can start to have thoughts that you genuinely consider because you start to feel like you don't deserve your own mercy More on this later
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Grass said: What’s important is that you do the next right thing. Make yourself the best version of yourself you can. Don’t feel guilt for having intrusive thoughts- you feel uncomfortable with them, thats a good sign. i feel comfort and uncomfort drom that xomfort? ig... if someone actually was gonna do the stuff they wouldn't uncomfort? or eould they? 1 minute ago, Through The Living Skies said: tw depressing stuff Hide contents the thing is that you can start to have thoughts that you genuinely consider because you start to feel like you don't deserve your own mercy More on this later foshhshehshsbene i hope i dont get those cuz rhen ilk be genuinly unwell jejjej but am i unwell or not im not gonna act on them because i know rationally it's wrong but i kinda want to and that worries me? so maybe i don't actually want to and the wanting is the intrusive thought part? jjsjnes6656sstyes
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 You have a fully functioning conscience and you’re listening to it. If you start a bad habit, it will dull your conscience in that area, speaking from experience.
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 Just now, Through The Living Grass said: You have a fully functioning conscience and you’re listening to it. If you start a bad habit, it will dull your conscience in that area, speaking from experience. ok ok good thank you i mightve needed to hear that probably it's a good info to keep in mind who says my consciousness is fully functioning hehe no i get what u mean i think ye ye ye yehhhe sigh i hope i dont but what do i do help doesn't work rlly and i hate keep goiing to ppl to tell them I'm actually not feeling better when i said i was because i genuinely was rhen i went and listened to a depressing song on repeat and made myself anxious and went to bed late and ughh and spent too much time on here which made me not do stuff i was supposed to do and also that gives anxiety and then i watched this gory episode or two or three of a show with morbid fascination ig and eewww and ughhh
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Girl said: ok ok good thank you i mightve needed to hear that probably it's a good info to keep in mind who says my consciousness is fully functioning hehe no i get what u mean i think ye ye ye yehhhe sigh i hope i dont but what do i do help doesn't work rlly and i hate keep goiing to ppl to tell them I'm actually not feeling better when i said i was because i genuinely was rhen i went and listened to a depressing song on repeat and made myself anxious and went to bed late and ughh and spent too much time on here which made me not do stuff i was supposed to do and also that gives anxiety and then i watched this gory episode or two or three of a show with morbid fascination ig and eewww and ughhh Yeah, maybe don’t surround yourself with stuff that brings you down. For me it was music- i listen to a lot of alternative metal, and the more i dipped my toes the more gross and nasty it got, so i kind of had to check myself- “do i really enjoy this? What kind of person is this making me?”
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 Hahhahwhwhhwhehhdhxhxj nnsens i i hate that idk why i hate that probably because it means i gotta be responsible for myself and practice self-care and all that crap oh also i keep making "jokes" either online, sometimes irl, or to myself that I'm so depressed and whatever when I'm not? and then maybe it makes me depressed or i already was or just anxiety and my anxiety is bad and i hate eveything and i just want idk what i want actually yes idk what o want
Aeoryi she/her Posted March 14 Posted March 14 10 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: i feel comfort and uncomfort drom that xomfort? ig... if someone actually was gonna do the stuff they wouldn't uncomfort? or eould they? foshhshehshsbene i hope i dont get those cuz rhen ilk be genuinly unwell jejjej but am i unwell or not im not gonna act on them because i know rationally it's wrong but i kinda want to and that worries me? so maybe i don't actually want to and the wanting is the intrusive thought part? jjsjnes6656sstyes Idk if you're worried about intrusive thoughts and think you've been experiencing them then probably worth looking into Just saying I don't actually know or care if my suicidal thoughts are intrusive or not, you know, they probably are to some degree but I don't see them as an issue anyways
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 Just now, Through The Living Skies said: Idk if you're worried about intrusive thoughts and think you've been experiencing them then probably worth looking into Just saying I don't actually know or care if my suicidal thoughts are intrusive or not, you know, they probably are to some degree but I don't see them as an issue anyways i am looking into it and stuff and yes yours are an issue, even if they're just intrusive but they sound honestly not?
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Girl said: Hahhahwhwhhwhehhdhxhxj nnsens i i hate that idk why i hate that probably because it means i gotta be responsible for myself and practice self-care and all that crap oh also i keep making "jokes" either online, sometimes irl, or to myself that I'm so depressed and whatever when I'm not? and then maybe it makes me depressed or i already was or just anxiety and my anxiety is bad and i hate eveything and i just want idk what i want actually yes idk what o want I have had self harm thoughts for about three years now, and over the last year I’ve actually been like, making myself more depressed for some reason took me a while to come to terms that i was doing that to myself, but yeah. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. Only you can tell.
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Grass said: I have had self harm thoughts for about three years now, and over the last year I’ve actually been like, making myself more depressed for some reason took me a while to come to terms that i was doing that to myself, but yeah. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. Only you can tell. but it's just so hard and I don't want to... i think you're probably very likely right though.. I'm likely mentally harming myself (making myself depressed) idk but like if im not depressed then what it's just hard cuz if i think "i should not make myself depressed" then i don't want to, cuz like i kust don't? it's effort but also I don't want to, I'm comfortable here in that it's familiar, i guess. allskdjfndnejjwjeuwiwii i i i ie also not all intrusive thoughts are encouraged by memmm??mmmmm?mmmmm????? likes ssnsn like like like like like liej n like idk
Aeoryi she/her Posted March 14 Posted March 14 4 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: i am looking into it and stuff and yes yours are an issue, even if they're just intrusive but they sound honestly not? if they're intrusive you can't control them, apparently but that doesn't matter if they're causing problems If you don't already you can consider putting a safety plan in place especially if you're worried about yourself in your future
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 1 minute ago, Through The Living Skies said: if they're intrusive you can't control them, apparently but that doesn't matter if they're causing problems If you don't already you can consider putting a safety plan in place especially if you're worried about yourself in your future idk im probably not gonna do anything and I'd at least like to think I'd know if i was but maybe not the case but for me it seems like just intrusive thoughts but idk idkidk selfhateselfhate idk idk what am i doing gggggg
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 Just now, Through The Living Girl said: but it's just so hard and I don't want to... i think you're probably very likely right though.. I'm likely mentally harming myself (making myself depressed) idk but like if im not depressed then what it's just hard cuz if i think "i should not make myself depressed" then i don't want to, cuz like i kust don't? it's effort but also I don't want to, I'm comfortable here in that it's familiar, i guess. allskdjfndnejjwjeuwiwii i i i ie also not all intrusive thoughts are encouraged by memmm??mmmmm?mmmmm????? likes ssnsn like like like like like liej n like idk In my case, I am jealous of people with depression, because i am so freaking autistic (this is not a joke). I want to feel more sad, i want to feel pain, i want to wake up from this rotting mildly amused complacency, so i have real anxiety and artificial depression. But it’s not healthy. Spoiler This did lead me to hurt myself a few weeks ago and i totally regret it, it was stupid and pointless and didnt fix my problems. TW self harm i find that this fake depression goes away when i get outside. I really really really enjoy getting out into nature, especially with music, as you already know. So we need to find what lets you be genuinely happy.
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 also uhm i keep having this random thought usually when im anxious spiraling or hating myself or something and uhh i dont rlly wanna say it but basically uhnm yeah
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 Just now, Through The Living Girl said: also uhm i keep having this random thought usually when im anxious spiraling or hating myself or something and uhh i dont rlly wanna say it but basically uhnm yeah Please. Don’t hurt yourself. It’s not worth it.
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 Just now, Through The Living Grass said: TW self harm maybe put that above the spoiler hehe.. 1 minute ago, Through The Living Grass said: my case, I am jealous of people with depression, because i am so freaking autistic (this is not a joke which part do you think I'd think was a joke? i literally feel the same way. idk if I'm autistic, i don't think I've been tested or anything. i have adhd tho. 2 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: anxiety and artificial depression. sigh i keep thinking this is me 2 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: find that this fake depression goes away when i get outside. I really really really enjoy getting out into nature, especially with music, as you already know. So we need to find what lets you be genuinely happy but i dont wanna be happy i just wanna stay depressed because happy is sickening because then everything is right and i just feel like I'd be ignorant again and not aware? idk if that makes sense.. music i love but idk if it makes me happy i love some of my clubs and stuff i think i love outfits/clothes/styles i love outside SOMETIMES but only very specific conditions or idk. i usually don't wanna go outside but sometimes i do. BUT I WANT TO BE DEPRESSED BUT I DON'T BUT I DO BUT I'M MAD AT MYSELF FOR WANTING TO BE DEPRESSED AND RUINING THE HAPPINESS I HAD STARTED FEELING BECAUSE IDK IDK IDK IDKWHAT DOES DEPRESsion even look like. am i actually even depressed? idk what's going oni idk idk wht eb ugh ugh ugh is. my anxiety faked too no it's real but I'm aware I'm writing like a lunatic but i don't care? 4 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: Please. Don’t hurt yourself. It’s not worth it. it's not that it's something else not me it's not an act I'd do not necessarily well maybe idk
Verdance he/him Posted March 14 Posted March 14 2 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: maybe put that above the spoiler hehe.. which part do you think I'd think was a joke? i literally feel the same way. idk if I'm autistic, i don't think I've been tested or anything. i have adhd tho. sigh i keep thinking this is me but i dont wanna be happy i just wanna stay depressed because happy is sickening because then everything is right and i just feel like I'd be ignorant again and not aware? idk if that makes sense.. music i love but idk if it makes me happy i love some of my clubs and stuff i think i love outfits/clothes/styles i love outside SOMETIMES but only very specific conditions or idk. i usually don't wanna go outside but sometimes i do. BUT I WANT TO BE DEPRESSED BUT I DON'T BUT I DO BUT I'M MAD AT MYSELF FOR WANTING TO BE DEPRESSED AND RUINING THE HAPPINESS I HAD STARTED FEELING BECAUSE IDK IDK IDK IDKWHAT DOES DEPRESsion even look like. am i actually even depressed? idk what's going oni idk idk wht eb ugh ugh ugh is. my anxiety faked too no it's real but I'm aware I'm writing like a lunatic but i don't care? You’re not a lunatic. do you want to be alive? Do you want to feel like you deserve to be happy? Again, you think you are doing something wrong, and you want it fixed.
Aeoryi she/her Posted March 14 Posted March 14 8 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: idk im probably not gonna do anything and I'd at least like to think I'd know if i was but maybe not the case but for me it seems like just intrusive thoughts but idk idkidk selfhateselfhate idk idk what am i doing gggggg You should still put together or look at putting together a safety plan for the peace of mind 6 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: In my case, I am jealous of people with depression, because i am so freaking autistic (this is not a joke). You don't want it. It sucks. Also I can't get SSRIs for it even if it were an actual issue due to them having complications with my current meds 6 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: want to feel more sad, i want to feel pain, i want to wake up from this rotting mildly amused complacency, so i have real anxiety and artificial depression. But it’s not healthy. One day it'll come for you. As Zahel told Kaladin: "Come back when you hate the fight." 7 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: This did lead me to hurt myself a few weeks ago and i totally regret it, it was stupid and pointless and didnt fix my problems. Spoiler Self harm can get addictive fast, or so I've been told. Even if you start out for (relatively) stupid reasons it can spiral out of control I'm not well versed in either self harm or suicidal stuff and I want to state that now because although I've had about one close call I really am somewhat new to this 8 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: also uhm i keep having this random thought usually when im anxious spiraling or hating myself or something and uhh i dont rlly wanna say it but basically uhnm yeah 6 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: Please. Don’t hurt yourself. It’s not worth it. I try not to dwell on depressing thoughts for too long. Better for the sanctity of soul. 3 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said: but i dont wanna be happy i just wanna stay depressed because happy is sickening because then everything is right and i just feel like I'd be ignorant again and not aware? idk if that makes sense.. music i love but idk if it makes me happy i love some of my clubs and stuff i think i love outfits/clothes/styles i love outside SOMETIMES but only very specific conditions or idk. i usually don't wanna go outside but sometimes i do For me I love working around children. No matter how terrible I am feeling, being around children and making a difference in their life makes me feel slightly better, and it gives me a decent reason to live: to provide. Talk more about what makes you happy. Do more of what makes you happy. 2
Usseewa Posted March 14 Posted March 14 4 minutes ago, Through The Living Skies said: You should still put together or look at putting together a safety plan for the peace of mind You don't want it. It sucks. Also I can't get SSRIs for it even if it were an actual issue due to them having complications with my current meds One day it'll come for you. As Zahel told Kaladin: "Come back when you hate the fight." Reveal hidden contents Self harm can get addictive fast, or so I've been told. Even if you start out for (relatively) stupid reasons it can spiral out of control I'm not well versed in either self harm or suicidal stuff and I want to state that now because although I've had about one close call I really am somewhat new to this I try not to dwell on depressing thoughts for too long. Better for the sanctity of soul. For me I love working around children. No matter how terrible I am feeling, being around children and making a difference in their life makes me feel slightly better, and it gives me a decent reason to live: to provide. Talk more about what makes you happy. Do more of what makes you happy. i dont want to put together a plan or wtvr maybe because then it'd be real why did I open that spoiler i hate the words: Spoiler addiction/addicted/addictive/etc. because they basically sum up my worst intrusive thoughts idk what to do tho idk 7 minutes ago, Through The Living Grass said: You’re not a lunatic. do you want to be alive? Do you want to feel like you deserve to be happy? Again, you think you are doing something wrong, and you want it fixed. and idk sure i wanna live ig idk i don't want it fixed but i also do but i don't but i don't know anything anymore. wdym deserve happy. idk.idk.. i use idk so much and people hate it but i just can't think sometimes and it sums up it. I don't want to be dead. i want to be alive but I want to be feeling good while being alive. i want feel gooddddhpribably
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