Reading excuses -2022-10-31-FlowerGirl -To be named -Ch's 4.5-5.5

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

Here's chapters 4.5-5.5. I tried to work out the issues with J's personality, and tried to fix where I was sticking commas. I'd love to hear how I'm doing on both these things.

Besides that I'm just looking for whatever feedback you have. 

Thanks for reading!

 

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

These chapters felt like a good way to establish what is becoming the new normal. There wasn't a ton of forward movement or new information, but I personally found that to be okay, so long as that is not a constant thing in upcoming subs. In my opinion, it's okay to have a chapter or two that takes its time to establish new things, but that shouldn't be all chapters. 

You are definitely improving with how you format sentences, and this chapter was easier to read and understand than previous ones, so good work! There were still some errors though, so that is something to keep in mind. 

The introduction of R was a little fast, but I thought it was effective.

I still think that the system they have, while horrible with they way they psychically torture people, is still pretty lax. I imagine it wouldn't be too difficult to get together to plan an escape, when you are free to visit other rooms with no surveillance. 

Excited to see more!

 

Opening the doc now!

Pg 1

“If T can’t even say his name…” Oh no! It looks like you may have over-corrected, because this is an incomplete sentence. This is a step in the right direction, though!

The next paragraph, though, it looks as if you’ve separated the sentences well.

“Try something like that and…” Since J did just try it, I think maybe it should say “try something like that again” or be a promise that she will be punished for doing that later. In any case, it was pretty bold of J to simply snatch the paper in the first place.

“Though F said R was worse…” This sentence makes sense but I had to read it twice :-P

Oof, it seems like J is just making things worse for herself…

Pg 2

You’ve been doing really well with the commas so far, it’s much easier to read this time! (IMO, of course) However, the sentence “I let out a breath of relief, the elevator didn’t break” should either be two separate sentences, be connected with a semicolon, or use “because” to connect them. I believe since it’s a cause and effect relationship, you can format it this way: “I let out a sigh of relief; the elevator didn’t break.”

“not in eyes” this is an acceptable use of commas, I believe. Also, I like the description of the eyes, they are very spooky.

Pg 3

Her character really shines through on this page, as she is still impulsive to a fault. I find it very interesting.

“Here’s the deal, you cooperate” You can use a colon here, so it should look like “Here’s the deal: you cooperate…”

“resort to violence” they’ve already resorted to violence, so this would be resorting to murder imo

Also, very scary. This is what I’d expect of a guy in this position

Ah! Punching would be very bad right now!

“you’re dismissed,…” You’re dismissed.

Pg 4

“C is lecturing me but I can’t hear a word…”

Good emotion here

Pg 5

“twenty four seven” twenty-four-seven.

Interesting that they allow the prisoners to visit each other in their rooms. Do they have cameras and microphones? If not, they are practically asking for everybody to plot together to escape, or coordinate riots/attacks

Pg 6

“miscreant T” I think you may have accidentally hit enter between these two words.

Pg 7

“why would I need emotional support?” Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth…

“sometimes people start have” start having

Pg8

“the worst that can happen is she gets reported” That doesn’t seem like that’s the case. It seems like the G are very willing to punish someone for doing something like that

Pg 9

“Sorry, I couldn’t, you were…” What? I’m not sure what he’s trying to say here.

“I try to smile at F, it’s a pathetic…” I try to smile at F. OR I try to smile at F, but it’s…

“I don’t know what to expect” I like this

“goodness within the G population” this line is kinda wordy, especially from J, who usually speaks simply.

Pg 10

“the night before I became T he proposed Then I” You’re missing a period between  “proposed” and “Then”

Pg 11

“wakes me up” is repeated close together. It’s a little distracting.

She is the only one in the classroom, yes? Would C not notice that she’s dozing off immediately?

Ah, further down I see she was doing it on purpose so J could be punished. Another note, I think this is actually the first solid proof that G can read minds.

Pg 12

“waterfall of agony” great visual

Pg 13

“Who knows what’s in this stuff” this line is a bit redundant

Pg 14

It is an interesting development that A was the president’s son, but I’m not really sure how that information should affect the reader.

Pg 16

Hah, that’s pretty funny.

Pg 17

“That’s what the guard told me” this is redundant

 

 

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

There was not a lot of movement these chapters, and a lot of repetition both in this chapter and with the chapters previous. I'm also getting concerned with the vastly different situation to emotional reaction. All the prisoners are breezing through, eating candy, and complaining about hard days when they're being actively tortured and their families threatened. Those things just don't match up. I'm still not sure what the objective is, and the MC doesn't seem to have a clear goal, whether avoiding, torture, or escaping, or righting the system. This is the fifth chapter, so by now we should have a clear idea what's going on, but I don't have that yet. This is a good time to take a look at the story as a whole and where it's going. Then see if these chapters are supporting that goal.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "but like all gifteds Catherine has enhanced strength"
--I didn't know this before.

pg 3: "What's making reeducation so difficult for you?”
--We don't know the purpose any more than the MC does, for one.

pg 4: "You’re dismissed"
--This chapter doesn't really have a full arc to me. It's just a warning from R, but nothing else happens.

pg 4: "The gifteds are supposed to be perfect. Perfect people don’t threaten families."
--does anyone actually think this? The gifteds are pretty universally vile.

pg 5: "I want to punch"
--this is the fourth time this has come up in three pages. Maybe expand on this, or have something a little more creative?

pg 7: "Between torture and all the revelations about the gifted’s sometimes people start have meltdowns.”
--I don't think the emotions in this story are really matching the events. These people are being tortured and victimized, and they're mostly shrugging things off.

pg 7: "I’m not really worried about myself, I can deal."
--this sort of thing. This doesn't seem like an accurate response to "he will kill my family."

pg 8: "“I did try to run when I became Triported.” F slowly nods, “That’s probably it.”
--Really? I'd imagine everyone would

pg 8: "The worst that can happen is that she gets reported."
--Doesn't she know differently by now? She's discovered the gifted are not who they say.

pg 10: "I flop backwards so I’m laying down,"
--this whole conversation is taking a long time, and I don't think we've learned anything new. No one seems to have any strong feelings toward the gifteds victimizing the entire population. Everyone is far too relaxed.

pg 10: "R definitely wouldn’t have liked it if you'd injured a gifted. But still, you yelled at a gifted. That’s crazy."
--What? Which is it? "definitely wouldn’t have liked it" is really lax. Her family has been threatened with death for her just yelling. Punching should be far worse.

pg 14: "your sister is, in fact, dating the president’s son.”
--I think this is the first new information this chapter. The lectures. lessons, and torture are all the same as before, and taken far too lightly.

pg 18: There still aren't any big stakes here. The MC doesn't have a goal, and is sort of floating through horrible torture and death threats with little emotional reaction. I think either the emotional side needs to be played up a lot, if that's what you're going for, or the subject matter with the gifteds needs to be reduced so the reactions are in proportion.

 

[JWerner Noble]

The major issues from the previous chapter are still here, and have already been mentioned. Terrible things are happening to these characters, and none of them act like it. J and co. are being tortured and re-educated, but still finds plenty of time to talk about candy and relationship drama. It makes what's happening to them impossible to take seriously.

And it doesn't help that J isn't a very interesting character. She doesn't do anything. I feel like all she does is think about how much she wants to punch people. She's all talk/thought and no bite. She needs a purpose. She needs to act like a person actually would under her circumstances. She can't get tortured and go have lunch with her fellow prisoners and have a lively conversation with them about who her sister's dating. 

Plot-wise, this felt like a repeat of the last chapter. It hit pretty much all of the same plot beats: re-education, torture, lunch. Otherwise, there was no other forward momentum. As a reader, I'm really not interested in whether J's sister is dating the prez's kid. I don't think J should be either. She's being tortured. 

The punctuation still needs work. Dialogue isn't written like this: 'Greg sniffs, "That's a big building."' 'Nods' or 'grins' or whatever verbs followed by a comma is not how dialogue attribution works most of the time, which is what a lot of the dialogue looks like by using commas instead of periods. The correct version would be: 'Greg sniffs. "That's a big building."'

Also, there are still plenty of errors throughout. Uncapitalized first words, missing periods, incorrect use of apostrophes (ex: the plural for reaper is reapers, not reaper's), periods being used where commas should be and vice versa. Robinski has already said something to this effect, but please check your documents before you submit them. 

I would really recommend taking some more time to work on your submissions before you submit. Take a week or two to really go over your work. Run it through a spell-checker. Have a friend read it and give you their thoughts. Read your dialogue aloud to check whether it's something someone would feasibly say. 

Notes below:

Pg. 3

"Here's the deal. You cooperate, and your family is safe. You misbehave, and they die."—This is so evil that it comes across as goofy instead of genuinely threatening. J's immediate cry of "No!" doesn't help.

'Would he sinks so low as to resort to violence?'—Says the girl who's always thinking how much she wants to punch people.

'The gs are supposed to be perfect.'—Why is she still hung up on this? She already realized that they weren't last chapter. 

Pg. 6

'I pop one into my mouth and relish the sweetness.'—She seems awfully trusting for someone who was just recently tricked. 

Pg. 8

'The worst that can happen is that she gets reported.'—Considering the torture going on, no, it's not the worst thing that can happen.

Pg. 11

'I cross my arms, "I'm not letting L punish me, and you can't make me."'—This sounds like something a toddler would say. 

Pg. 13

I do not see why F has latched on to J. Why does he care? Why is he trying to bond with her? 

Pg. 18

'Fs face falls, "Aren't you at least a little curious why the president and his son are here?"—Jeez dude, she just said no. Take the freakin' hint. 

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

I enjoyed these chapters a lot. I liked the pacing and the emotions and didn't really have many suggestions. 

As I read:

"The longer it takes to get to Rayson the better" I like the resistance!

"There’s a grating noise and the metal box starts to move" I love the descriptions of things we take for granted but this mc has never seen.

"...around the pupil, opens the door" You already said the door was open.

"I have the urge to punch[CSA1]  him again." I would want to punch him too

“You’re dismissed, enjoy your stay here Miss " Well holy crap that was intense. Overall I think that was a pretty good chapter.

"I don’t think I am, my family is everything." That's a comma splice. 

"Not perfect like we though in the cities, but normal good.” Think? Thought?

"Triported he proposed Then "Missing period

I loved the thinking of chocolate as a fruit

"I’ll be fine as long as I’m careful.

“Let’s go.” Good note to end the chapter on!

 

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

29 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I enjoyed these chapters a lot. I liked the pacing and the emotions and didn't really have many suggestions. 

Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapters.