Things Hoid is not allowed to do in the Cosmere

[jamesbondsmith He/him]

This is inspired by Skippy's List, a list of things a member of the US Army apparently tried or was spontaneously told he was not allowed to do. I think the domain name for the original list may have expired, but google searches will find reprints or summaries. I think spoilers should comply with the general policy (which is spoiler tags/general no-no until 9 months post-release, if I remember correctly). I'd be interested in other people's contributions.

1) Not allowed to convince Nightblood that pineapples are evil.

2) The Windrunners are named so because of their flight abilities, and not because they like to fart and run away.

3) Not allowed to Awaken clothing while still being worn by the owner.

4) Unless it's Sadeas.

5) When a Radiant's spren is giving them encouragement during 'intimate moments', the correct response is to tell them to give them privacy, not join in the chanting.

6) Koloss are not to be referred to as 'Hulky Smurfs'.

7) Instant noodles are not worth diverting an entire planet's technological development for.

8) Shardbearers are not 'compensating for something'.

9) Neither was the architect of Urithiru.

10) I cannot copyright a colour and demand royalties from every Awakener who drains it.

11) Mistborn does not mean 'anyone who was born outside'.

12) Consulting a Feruchemist's coppermind to learn about the past is fine. Using it to try and figure out what I did while blackout drunk is not.

13) Adonalsium should be referred to by their full name, not 'Daddy Ady'.

14) I should not set all of Bavadin's avatars against each other. Even if I brought snacks for everyone else.

15) Gloryspren come from winning a hard fought battle, not finishing an entire banquet by myself.

16) The Sharts of Adonalsium do not exist.

17) Adolin Kholin is not a 'shartbearer'.

18) Must pretend that Raoden masquerading as 'Spirit' is not an obvious alias.

19) Drawing a smiley face in the sand does not mean every Aon now needs one.

20) Must not encourage Wayne.

[Lunamor she/her]

21) You aren’t allowed to try to ride Frost, ancient dragons aren’t “just flying horses”. 

22) You can’t make a dragon sized saddle for just in case you see “a dragon sized horse”.

[Spren of Kindness she/her]

23) Just because you could dance on a skyscraper spire doesn't mean you should.

Edited November 24, 2020 by Spren of Kindness

[jamesbondsmith He/him]

24) I cannot use 'Shardcoconuts' to pretend I have a Ryshadium.

 

[Frustration]

25. Just because human are edible does not mean you should eat them.

Edited December 5, 2020 by Ookla The Frustrated

[Negative_Null They/Them]

26. Laughter is not the best medicine. Music seems to be, however.

[Realmatic Shadow]

27. Just because you can Soulcast someone's weapon in the middle of a battle does not mean you should. Even if it would be funny.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

28) Not allowed to tell other people not to meddle, no matter how correct such a statement may be, because it’s far too hypocritical.

[Necessary Eagle she/her]

29) Not allowed to troll the new guy Harmony with 100% Correct Cosmere Facts(tm). There is no such shard as "RAFO", Kelsier's god-complex is not an "unmistakable sign that he's becoming an avatar of Adonalsium Reformed", and the Seventeenth Shard isn't here to collect door-to-door for spikeless kandra. Also, Trell is NOT "really the friends we made along the way".

Edited November 29, 2020 by Necessary Eagle

[Frustration]

30. Inventing instant noodles is not an acceptable reason to stage a coup.

[Spren of Kindness she/her]

31. Playing emergency tones on your flute doesn't work.

[Hoid the Former Drifter he/him]

okay, who the hell do you all think you are to waltz on in and tell me what to do? Here i am, unable to hurt anyone, unable to eat any meat, which means no more bacon, stuck without instant noodles, trying to deal with 15 entities holding pieces of god, and you think you can tell me what to do? Rust and ruin, man, storm off!

On 11/24/2020 at 11:32 AM, jamesbondsmith said:

1) Not allowed to convince Nightblood that pineapples are evil.

Fine! I'll convince him that all of you are evil instead.

On 11/24/2020 at 11:32 AM, jamesbondsmith said:

7) Instant noodles are not worth diverting an entire planet's technological development for.

Rusts! You have no idea what you're saying!

 

On 11/29/2020 at 0:50 AM, Kingsdaughter613 said:

28) Not allowed to tell other people not to meddle, no matter how correct such a statement may be, because it’s far too hypocritical.

I'm not meddling, I'm helping.

 

On 11/24/2020 at 7:55 PM, Ookla The Frustrated said:

25. Just because human are edible does not mean you should eat them.

I can't. Vegetarian, remember? Former dawnshard?

And, daddy ady would not be happy if he saw this.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

18 minutes ago, Hoid the Drifter said:

I'm not meddling, I'm helping.

I think many would beg to differ - including the other meddlers you disparage!

[Hoid the Former Drifter he/him]

well they're stupid. daddy ady would agree. he was sad when he was splintered!

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

Just now, Hoid the Drifter said:

well they're stupid. daddy ady would agree. he was sad when he was splintered!

He was also resigned, accepting and understanding. People were created with free will for a reason.

Besides, if you don’t practice what you preach why should anyone heed what you say?

[Hoid the Former Drifter he/him]

because otherwise i will mess with your head until the end of time, mortal. also i will follow you around and i will never give you a moment's peace. your enemies will soon know everything about all of you... unless you take off these ridiculous restrictions.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Hoid the Drifter

[Frustration]

8 hours ago, Hoid the Drifter said:

well they're stupid. daddy ady would agree. he was sad when he was splintered!

Then why where you such a big part of it?

Also no Dawnshard spoilers.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Ookla The Frustrated

[Realmatic Shadow]

20 hours ago, Hoid the Drifter said:

And, daddy ady would not be happy if he saw this.

32. Not allowed to refer to Adonalsium as 'daddy ady' or any derivative thereof. Even if it humorous

[Hoid the Former Drifter he/him]

On 12/18/2020 at 10:07 AM, Frustration said:

Also no Dawnshard spoilers.

I never actually read it

On 12/18/2020 at 10:11 PM, Realmatic Shadow said:

32. Not allowed to refer to Adonalsium as 'daddy ady' or any derivative thereof. Even if it humorous

I still don't care. I don't follow made up rules. DADDY ADY would say that the rule is stupid i think.

 

And if you disagree, please don't tell me, or i'll either convince nightblood you're an evil pineapple, awaken your clothing, soulcast your weapon in the middle of a fight, or set some Hulky Smurfs on you. So watch yourself

Edited December 20, 2020 by Hoid the Drifter

[Frustration]

9 minutes ago, Hoid the Drifter said:

I still don't care. I don't follow made up rules. DADDY ADY would say that the rule is stupid i think.

If you like him so much why did you kill him?

[Hoid the Former Drifter he/him]

Just now, Frustration said:

If you like him so much why did you kill him?

I don't like him, i'm just saying he would agree and that he was sad that we killed him. maybe i regret that.

[Kaladin Stormdepressed she/her]

33. Stories and general things about the cosmere are not allowed to be explained NO MATTER WHAT lest you ruin your Zahel appointed @sshole status

Edited December 21, 2020 by Kaladin Stormdepressed

[Friendshipspren he/him]

33). You are never under no circumstance allowed to release ur pet lifeless Koloss out of ur allomantic bond.

34). You are for preservation of ur own life and sanity never allowed to engage Wit in a tickle fight. 

35). Hoid is not allowed to call himself " highprincess of the mobile strike force " 

36). Hoid is not allowed to be a Sex-Ed teacher for Cryptics 

37). Hoid is not from an alternate timeline.

            A) He cannot issue orders                    to "preserve the timeline".

            B). Or to" corrupt the timeline".   

             C).Or to "screw with those                       history nerds"

38). Hoid and Zahel are not allowed to    interact without the presence of a responsible administrator.

         A). Lopen does not count as                   a responsible      administrator.

          B).  Nor does Shallan .

          C). Or Veil 

In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period.

 

Edited December 21, 2020 by Friendshipspren

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

1 hour ago, Friendshipspren said:

33). You are never under no circumstance allowed to release ur pet lifeless Koloss out of ur allomantic bond.

34). You are for preservation of ur own life and sanity never allowed to engage Wit in a tickle fight. 

35). Hoid is not allowed to call himself " highprincess of the mobile strike force " 

36). Hoid is not allowed to be a Sex-Ed teacher for Cryptics 

37). Hoid is not from an alternate timeline.

            A) He cannot issue orders                    to "preserve the timeline".

            B). Or to" corrupt the timeline".   

             C).Or to "screw with those                       history nerds"

38). Hoid and Zahel are not allowed to    interact without the presence of a responsible administrator.

         A). Lopen does not count as                   a responsible      administrator.

          B).  Nor does Shallan .

          C). Or Veil 

In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period.

 

Following up on 38:

39: Hoid is NEVER allowed to be within a mile of Kelsier (or vice versa) without a suitable intermediary. Only Sazed counts as suitable, as nothing short of a Shard can contain either of them, and Saze is the best of the Shards. Also the only one on Scadrial.

40: Related to the above, Hoid is not allowed to trick random people into unwittingly declaring war on Scadrial to mess with Kelsier.

41: Similarly, he may not trick random people into unwittingly declaring war on whatever group Warbreaker (under whatever name he is currently using) has joined.

42: Nor may he trick random people into causing trouble for Wan ShaiLu.

43: He is also not allowed to attend the ‘Hoid is an Asshole’ club annual gatherings, even if he agrees with the premise. (To start with Kelsier will be there, violating rule 39.)

[Hoid the Former Drifter he/him]

1 hour ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Also the only one on Scadrial.

alright, that's debatable.

And ruin take all of you!