cjhuitt

Thanks for the time you put into this. This sort of critique is almost exactly what I was looking for -- a mix of stuff I knew with stuff I hadn't considered before, along with an outside perspective on the story elements.

It looks like so far, I get the privilege of being the first to comment on this chapter. So, we're back to Rosalin. I'm slightly disappointed in this, for the reasons I detailed in the last post; I wanted to see what happened to Dias, not have him left hanging in midair for another chapter. Still, at least we are in the city and hopefully progressing on that plot. Since this is a Rosalin chapter, I was hoping to see the fallout from the last time we saw her, where Serissa had (rather blatantly, to the audience) manipulated her into attacking others and taking their stuff. Instead, we get... another scene of Rosalin attacking others, and taking their stuff. You hint at some fallout from before, which is good, but I feel something is lacking in not seeing any of the immediate results. Even something as basic as seeing Rosalin make a decision to trust Serissa for whatever reason (noble, sure, but wrong-headed, as the audience will be sure to point out) would help, in my opinion. In other words, I think it's too important to just leave off-screen. This is my opinion now, I reserve the right to change it later, and the rest of the book may alter my stance. However, I'm not very convinced that it will. On the other hand, Rosen is back, and it is a delicious fact that the voice in Rosalin's head is the voice of sanity in this situation. By now, it's obvious to me, and I assume practically everyone, that Serissa is just using Rosalin. Rosalin does offer at least one reason she keeps going, that of Serissa being her only friend, but I kind of wonder that Rosen doesn't do more to convince Rosalin to move along. I've kind of come to the conclusion that he is basically trapped in Rosalin's head, with likely little chance to get out again, but that does kind of mean his survival depends on hers now, and I don't get the sense that he is one to just leave his survival in doubt, if he can influence it. He may be thinking that there isn't much difference to what they do in the city, since the siege threatens everyone, but I would guess he considers the threat of being killed by the other city dwellers to be more immediate than whatever the siege will cause. So I would think he'd be arguing harder for either ditching Serissa or changing how they act. Also, it's hard for me to remember that, with all her fighting abilities, Rosalin still only has the knowledge of a younger child -- what was it, 8 years old? It might be worthwhile to try to work in the occasional reminder for this here and there, as it is kind of easy to lose track of. On the other hand, now that I've said that, some of the text while in Rosalin's viewpoint is a little wiser than that of a young child. Stuff like recognizing Rosen's voice as being wry when he comments about the world destroying itself. Pruning the viewpoint back a half-step closer to a younger level may even help with the reason why she's sticking with Serissa -- she's decided Serissa is her friend, and friends stick together, so that's that. It will also help with why Rosalin keeps taking Serissa's instructions on what to do. I might like just a bit more depth on why Rosalin is uncomfortable seeking out weapons. I cheer for it, because I don't think I want a weapon in Serissa's hands, but a touch more detail might be nice. In general, I thought the fight was well done -- confusing when Rosalin was confused (near the end), and stark goals with obstacles near the beginning. I also liked the part where Rosalin was captured. I kept expecting her to struggle, and maybe free herself, but the odds were pretty overwhelming, and as a critical reader (rather than just a Rosalin fan), I liked that she was actually captured. In fact, I was kind of looking forward to finding out what was going to happen with the capture. I kind of hoped they were going to sell her to whoever had Dias' dad stashed away. That all fell apart, of course, when she was rescued without any further work on her part. I think I understand that it was done to get them into the camp again, but it seemed both somewhat appropriate and somewhat too coincidental. I don't know what to recommend there. I also seem to recall the the first time the duo went through the camp, Serissa was taking care not to let Senna see her. There didn't seem to be any such concern in this chapter. Finally, Rosalin did something on her own initiative again at the end of the chapter. I cheer for this, even as I kind of hope it gets her into more trouble.

Blue Crystals is my project name for a (relatively) new novel, written mostly during NaNoWriMo last year. The first two chapters have problems. I'm aware of some, and I'm probably missing others. Please don't hold back on the critique, since this is the beginning of the story, and I want to get things right. I'm open to all suggestions, including axing some or all of the opening part (since I was partially discovering the starting place for myself when I wrote it).

I should make myself get something ready to submit. How about if I send something out Monday or Tuesday?

Right off the bat, I'm happy to see another Dias chapter (as I believe I've mentioned earlier). The scene setting was necessary, and to me added a few bits of information I don't recall from earlier (such as the storms being a way off), but the way in which it was presented was a little rough. The example that jumped out the most to me was in the first paragraph, were Dias is "losing moisture he could ill afford to lose", which is an odd repetition of lose. Sometimes I think there might have been a mixup or two in editing as well, such as the pair of sentences that finish the first paragraph, wishing for the clouds but not desiring them in the night. Another small item I noticed, was in this sentence: "The sun-bleached stone felt crumbly underneath his hand and when he lifted it specks of stone stuck to his palm". This is possibly me not quite catching things properly, but the "it" referred to here makes me think of the stone, or possibly the roof, and then I get the feeling that it's absurd Dias is lifting a roof. It took me three times reading the sentence to comprehend it properly -- and not when I was falling asleep, mind you, where I customarily take four or five goes to understand some sentences. I did like that Dias realized his earlier plan of dropping down into the house had not been entirely well thought out. I'll agree with James that it might be nice to have a sentence or two describing Kniphofia and Amelanchier when Dias sees them again. In fact, it might help to relate them to the earlier characters a little more strongly, because when I first saw the name I had to spend some time trying to recall when I had encountered the person before. I had almost concluded I hadn't when I recalled the first Dias chapter and his encounter then. of course, part of this might be getting the chapters so spaced out, but I've heard advice that it rarely hurts to give the reader a couple small hints to help them make those connections. The jump that Dias makes from time spent wondering what they were tunneling for to deciding they were sapping the wall seemed abrupt to me. First of all, I question if that is really what is happening, although I don't doubt the two are up to something suspicious. But to go along with that, I kind of wanted to get a hint of Dias' thought process in deciding that was what they were doing, both to get a better feel for Dias and to see if I (as a reader) can see any potentially wrong assumptions to either gleefully anticipate being corrected, or worry about on behalf of Dias' well-being. I would also like to note that Dias' plan is awful. Also, what does he hope to accomplish with his plan? Just verify that it was his father? Or does he hope to try and rescue his father as well? To me, it sounds like an easier and more sure way of finding his father would be to just get caught by the ones working and thrown in with him. It'd be simpler than trying to run around them and then getting trapped in the house they are guarding. I thought the section where Dias realized the sound wasn't rocks shifting in the wind could be smoothed just a touch as well. I also thought that the sentence you use first in the paragraph where Dias starts running is a little long for the sudden shift to action that I think you want to describe. Also, the description of the kids confused me with the count -- there were four rugged kids, two lanky ones, an urchin and a chunky kid, right? I had to read it again to realize there were only four, not eight. I'm going to divert for a second here and talk about the (lack of) water, because this was when I started thinking about it, when it started affecting Dias. It could be my poor memory, but I didn't recall Dias having a problem with water. I thought the group he was with had located near a well or something? It's possible I'm completely missing something from before to cover this, but it was a thought that distracted me here, so I figured I'd better mention it. On a second read-through, I noticed at least one passive voice sentence -- "The reaching had was rebuffed and...". I don't think the passive is necessarily a problem, although you may want to look at it, but to me it didn't describe the action in quite the detail I wanted. Did Dias knock his hand away? Something else? Did the other boy just miss? About the cliffhanger (cliff jumper?) ending, I would like to say that I hope the next chapter picks up on Dias again. If it doesn't, I will be moderately irritated. However, there are aspects to the ending that you could tweak to make me less irritated, if that was the case. Mostly, it's a matter of filling in a little more detail to the tension. If I know what exactly Dias is trying to accomplish with his jump -- besides evading his pursuers -- I may be willing to wait longer to find out if he succeeds. Is he jumping across an alleyway? Down into a group of people? Did he have any steps to wind up? Perhaps he jumped blindly, but halfway through the jump he saw exactly how screwed he was after all? Basically, right now it's kind of a grey expanse to me with just a ledge, a group of pursuers, Dias, and people on the street below. With more details, I can imagine and anticipate potential outcomes, and I'd be willing to live with the tension for longer. Without those details, I want to be able to move on to the next occurrence in Dias' story, instead of leaving him hanging in midair.

On a high-level overview, I have a few concerns with this chapter. The first one is that I was disappointed when I opened it up and saw it was a Black Rose chapter -- this can be good and bad. Good, in that I was interested in the previous chapter, and wanted to know what happened after the ending there. I wanted to see the repercussions, but I'll assume I get to see them sometime and wait for that (but be disappointed if I never see them). The bad is that I'm really not attached to the Black Rose character so far. My internal hope when I started the chapter was that it would end with her taking control of the siege of -- I can't remember the city's name, but where the other viewpoint characters are. Even with that, I had a desire to read through this one quickly, so I could get back to the other characters. From what I've read so far -- and I think I've read almost every chapter of this version -- the Black Rose chapters come across as fairly inconsistent to me. Some of them are great, although somewhat confusing; the prologue was one example of this. Some of them I've found slow going, although with interesting parts, like chapter (9?), the last Black Rose chapter. I recall my comments there mentioned the pace, and where I found the chapter more and less interesting. That one was also more straightforward and less confusing for me. I recall the chapter with Black Rose escaping her prison, where I was primarily confused throughout the scene, and then this one is a mix -- I'm occasionally confused, and occasionally bored, and occasionally liking her scenes. One aspect leading to this that I think I've identified is the ratio of inner thoughts to outer action and dialog. It may just be my recollection, but it seems like Black Rose is very inner thought-oriented. A lot of her chapters involve her observing things and thinking about them, and fewer seem to have her involved in action. Even in this chapter at the beginning, full of action, reads slowly to me and as if she's merely observing it, instead of experiencing it. I kind of wonder if it's a POV issue, in that the writing seems almost third-person cinematic, with the occasional portrayal of Black Rose's thoughts. I don't know how to resolve this, but it seems like an uncomfortable tension to me. Perhaps a shade closer, or a shade further away (narratively speaking) would make it work better? The other aspect I mentioned before is confusion. It seems to be more so with Black Rose chapters than the others since Black Rose the character knows about this world and the magic that can be done in it, while the reader doesn't necessarily. I think at times, by not dwelling on what Black Rose wouldn't dwell upon, the reader ends up not getting the information from the story that they could possibly use. Examples here include the thought at the beginning about a Walker raining down destruction (what's a walker?), Nertera being an ill-omened name (what? why?), the large predator, and the Shifter (which may be the same as the predator; that wasn't clear to me either), and a Tyrant. Speaking of the Shifter, I have a couple of potential issues with his (its?) appearance here. The first is that he seems to come out of nowhere -- well, not exactly nowhere, as Black Rose and Chelone ride ahead of the others (why??) and find him. The second has more to do with the place in the story of his introduction, and I don't know if it is really problem or not, but it could be. This is the twelfth chapter, and there was a prologue. Most of the chapters have been around 3000 to 4000 words, so that means this comes in at about 42k words into the story. Depending on how long the story is, I would consider this past act 1 (introduction of the players) and into act 2. Looking at the story of Black Rose, as well, this seems somewhere between the start of act 2 and the turning point for her character arc. Given that (and recall that this is just my general impression and guessing), it seems late to introduce someone as portentously as this. Of course, I could also be wrong about the importance Hemlock is going to play. It just seems like he was introduced to the story in such a way as to make him a fairly major player, with little hint of his entrance (going back to the feeling of abruptness I mentioned earlier). You may want to take another read through this chapter for clarity. One sentence in particular jumped out at me near the end, starting with "With a look that could kill Chelone said". I think that the first part is describing what Chelone did, while saying something, but... Also, I was slightly confused by the description of the scouts exposing their stomachs. Are they supposed to be lesser shifters as well? If so, it wasn't mentioned in the text that I could find. Where they just overcome by the shifter's dominating presence? That doesn't really make sense to me either, and wouldn't that affect the others she was giving orders to? Was it a description of how he had arranged the (killed?) scouts he had subdued? If so, again, I couldn't get it from the text. I'm still looking forward to the chapters as they come out, despite that I may be finding a lot of things to raise concerns over. Do continue to send more (and let me see the consequences from last chapter!)

I'm working on it! But not this week, no. I'm glad to see there's at least one, however.

Asmodemon, thanks for your critique as well. To address one point that I had noticed prior to submitting, I had worried about the lack of obvious fantasy markers at the beginning of the story. Combined with some of Yados' (and your) observations, I have a few ideas about how to improve the beginning of the story, now that I can more clearly see some of the aspects that need improvement. (As an aside, it started from a writing prompt, which may explain -- but not excuse -- some of the beginning, until the story gets its legs.) I also appreciate the observation about needing more confrontation at the end. You've put into words at least some of the dissatisfaction I was feeling myself, which will help. I plan on letting this story simmer for a bit, but I'm certainly making notes from you guys to help on the next draft. (Don't let that stop anyone else from chiming in, however -- I can take at least some dogpiling.)

This is one of the chapters I've been looking forward to, with two of the main POV plot lines (hopefully) meeting up. Of course, by the end I don't feel like they're completely lined up yet. While I thought the beginning of the chapter may be the correct place to start, I didn't think the prose right at the beginning drew me in. I think it was due to the passive voice at the start ("when it became clear that"), launching right into a description after that. I think that possibly just going right into the description might be best, although you might try an active voice right at the beginning and see if it helps. There was a bit of (what I read as) a POV error when looking at the rations, where you have Serissa not wanting the group to notice her attention on the rations. Since the rest of this chapter is in Rosalin's POV (plus, a large chunk of the rest of the book), I assume that this was an oversight. Likewise on Serissa, I thought her dialog at the beginning was a little awkward. After reading the chapter, I wonder if that was intentional? It might be meant to indicate that she's shading things to present them the way she wants to, which is an interesting idea, but the first time I read it I thought it just didn't have the polish of a lot of the other dialog. An example of this was "the stories of this place being a haven of peace", etc. Also, "might actually offer the safety the rumours imply". Unless it is somehow important later, or you need to establish that Rosalin can get lost in the small ways of the city, I would suggest trimming the circumlocution to get in the camp from behind to a quick summary, instead of the showing that is there now. We meet Dias (finally!), but from Rosalin's POV she doesn't know who he is. However, you use Dias' name in a speaker attribution right before he actually introduces himself, when Rosalin presumably wouldn't know who he was. Rosen piped up again. It doesn't necessarily bode well for Rosalin, but I say hurray! I continually liked Serissa less and less as the chapter went on, and (dialog quirks aside), it mostly started here when she was interacting with Dias. Assuming this was intended, good job. Serissa asks Dias about the protector, identifying him as the man with the big bastard sword. Would common people in a city know about swords well enough to know the difference between types of swords? I thought the description of the rules and what Dias does smelled a bit of an info dump, and not necessarily even one for our benefit, because we already knew a lot of what he was saying. I wonder if there is a way to shorten that section, or convey the same information without seeming repetitive? The thing with the fly bothered me a bit also. Partly due to the image, but also partly because I wondered if they would really fixate on flies like that, and also partly because I thought that section could use a little more attention to the blocking. I didn't understand what the squeezing of Dias' hand was supposed to show. Isn't Dias a child, and Rosalin (this Rosalin, anyway) closer to adult? Skipping ahead a bit, I assume that Serissa staged being attacked by the people surrounding her? It's the only thing that makes sense to me, although the why of it isn't really conveyed. (I'm not complaining about the why -- I don't think Rosalin would necessarily understand either, and we're in her POV, and besides, I'm willing to wait a bit to find the answer to this question.) Assuming that is the case, it makes me like Serissa a lot less. I'm guessing this is your intention, so I can only say bravo for that. You've changed my mind about one of the secondary characters pretty completely in just a couple of chapters. In fact, I'd say that this turn of events does in fact make me want to read more, in order to see Serissa get at least some comeuppance. Unfortunately, I'm losing a little bit of sympathy for Rosalin. She's in a horrible situation, and she's even doing something close to the best she can, I'll grant you that, but I'm starting to think she's a little too easily manipulated by Serissa, which makes me a little less sympathetic toward her. Also, while she has her goal of getting home, she doesn't seem to be actively pursuing it, or the ability to pursue it, beyond taking advantage of what fate puts in her way -- at least, since she got to the tavern. Also, I have to assume that Rosen is perfectly happy with whatever Serissa is doing, or else he'd have pointed out the obvious manipulation going on. After all, if Rosalin knows enough from Rosen to know about the guard's positions at the gate, I would expect her to pick up the staged fight from him, or else have him inform her directly.

I'm going to agree with Asmodemon that this version is nicer than the last one. Actually, I'm just going to agree with Asmodemon about everything he said, and move on to a few other things I noticed. The introduction to the Rat's Remains was off to me. Actually, the paragraph before it, where you say "There it was-- Vern's end. The Everlasting Wall. Death, but it was a depressing sight. This far from the cities center, you couldn't see the sun if you tried. Not at midday in summer." Based on my previous read of the chapter, I was expecting to get to the tavern, and at this point I read Vern's End as the tavern name. Then I thought The Everlasting Wall was the tavern name. Now, both of those reactions are at least partially due to me knowing what to expect, so a first-time reader may not have that problem, but you might want to be sure it that part is clear, because you're introducing three different place names in just two paragraphs. The description of the drawing of the she lion caused me some confusion, probably due to the earlier descriptions of the dragon in chapter one. The impression I was left with was that all the creations would be too difficult to do in large form, so when the she-lion was described as not being any taller than Cern, I had to reassess my earlier impression. It wasn't much, but it did distract me from the story a little bit. I kind of miss the part about wanting the ale watered down. Perhaps Till could think about it wistfully, while still appreciating the taste of this one? Alternately, I thought the last part of the byplay between Surr and Till with the ale (Till turning his tankard upside down) was unnecessary, but I can see why you might want to keep it in to further illustrate the relationship between the two. When the two are talking about liking each other, I get a little confused who's talking. Part of it is the paragraph breaks, where you have Surr speaking and Till shrugging his shoulders in the same paragraph, where I would expect them to be different paragraphs. That makes me not sure on which person is speaking next, although I went back and tried to logic out that it must be Till. Finally, the assassin at the end. I agree with Asmodemon here (didn't I mention that?) about the obviousness of the assassin. I might suggest that, although it may be a touch less dramatic, perhaps Surr could merely say that somebody is trying to have him killed, rather than assassinated. It would seem to cover a slightly wider range of possible people being hired, including a somewhat incompetent foreigner who didn't know what he was getting himself into. Especially if the next happenings with the would-be killer (assuming that part of the plot hasn't changed) are done to him without his knowledge.

Yados, thank you for your comments. They were quite helpful in getting me to think about the story in a couple of slightly different ways, which should pay off in the near future when I rework this one again. I'm definitely saving them with my notes on things to look at. The one thing I will mention is the pants, since your mention reminded me it was in there still. I had first put it in as a throw-away line (this one was free-written instead of outlined like many of my other stories), then apparently left it in. I should either be more clear or cut it, but basically he still goes out and dances (sans clothes) in fires, especially large wildfires.

This is a stand-alone short story, a little under 5k words. It definitely needs a content warning for sexual content. If you're not comfortable with reproductive processes and the body parts that accompany them, please don't read this story. (That should get everyone's attention, right?) More seriously, I feel like it's missing something in the ending. If anyone has advice on either adding to/removing from the ending, to make it better, or adding to/removing from the beginning to better support the ending, I'd love to hear it.

I finally took the time to rework a short story I'd like to submit, since my novel is taking a looong time to edit.

So, I've been thinking about submission formats recently, and how I prefer to read the submissions. I often read the submissions on my computer, and especially if I'm reading the critique I'll usually have the submission open in another window, so I can switch back and forth between them. However, a lot of my reading recently has been on an iPad, which is a lot more convenient for places like reading in bed, or while on the go. I tend to not read the submissions on there, primarily because most of them come in .doc format, and reading a word processing document on a device like that isn't the best experience. PDFs work better, but even they aren't as good as the full ebook experience (bg color changes, font changes, adding notes, etc.) I've been using Scrivener for writing for a while, and so I got to looking at the formats it can produce. It can create ebook formats as well, in passable form, which I might consider handy for reading. So I thought I'd see if anyone else had a preference. Another possibility would be to send out multiple formats, maybe one for computer and one for ebooks, but that would potentially increase the email size, if anyone is worried about that. I did a quick test, and the PDF of my biggest book is 840 KB, while the .doc is 560 KB and the .epub is 270 KB for the full book so far, so perhaps the worry about size isn't as relevant as I thought. Anyway, I set the poll to allow multiple options in case you have multiple preferences.

It's been a while, so it took me a little bit to get back into the hang of where things were. I assume that would be less of a problem with the chapters all gathered together in a book, but if I'm forgetful about things from previous chapters, that may explain some of it. The opening paragraph was a little awkwardly phrased, in my opinion. For example, the first sentence has a shout wakening Rosalin, then the second sentence mentions her huddling in her coat. To me, this ordering implied how things happened chronologically, although I soon figured out it was meant to be the reverse -- she huddled all night, then the shouts woke her. The rest of the paragraph could perhaps use some polish also, but that's the main thing I noticed about it. Also, is the crimson color of the cloak important? It is the only color detail I recall from the chapter, so it sticks out to me, but I can't recall previous instances of crimson (or red) being important. I thought I'd mentioned I noticed it, though, and if you didn't want it to be important (or noticed so easily), perhaps a few more color details could fill in the rest of the chapter. There's a bit of repetition here and there that I noticed. One of the simplest examples is "Rosalin cussed, repeating some choice phrases..." I think the cussed part could be left out, going with "Rosalin repeated some choice phrases..." This may be a matter of style, however. Also along those lines, you refer to the pain on the back of her head as bludgeoning, which I don't usually use to describe pain (after the first contact, anyway). After I smack my head, it's usually either a sharp pain or a very annoying pulsing one, intensifying in time with my heartbeat (which, unfortunately, is usually spiked quicker after the adrenal reaction to the pain). "With little patience for herself Rosalin picked herself up, though it left her seeing little white stars when she got herself upright." This seems to be a bit of tell instead of show. Here I thought you could get us closer to Rosalin by showing her thoughts, or possibly one of those newly learned choice phrases aimed at herself, or an in-world aphorism, or something. I like that Rosalin has run low on money, and it moves the story forward, but I seemed to recall her being a little more flush with cash in the last chapter. This may be one of those memory things, but you might want to double-check that the previous chapter shows the right balance of okay-for-now, but going to run out soon level of wealth. Talking with Serissa: "The woman crossed her arms, exchanging a smile for a frown." The wording here confused me for some reason. I thought Rosalin was frowning, and Serissa was giving her a smile back, which here felt more genuine. I had to read it again to get what I believe you were trying to say, that Serissa stopped smiling and started frowning. How does Rosalin figure her thoughts are coming from Rosen? Am I not remembering properly? Also speaking of remembering, I thought that before Rosalin heard Rosen's voice in her head. I somehow recall that going silent with a feeling that it was Rosen's choice to do so, but it seems a long time to be silent by choice. Why didn't Rosalin try to get a job there at the bar? I'm surprised she didn't even ask the Arundo, instead flat-out refusing to leave. Plus, it didn't seem like my recollection of Rosalin's character to be so outright defiant like that, especially to someone who was more or less in the same position of authority that she had grown up with recently (in Thorn). I'm not saying that her character wouldn't support the action, but more that it felt unsupported as it is in the text. I don't know if you were intentionally keeping the details sparse so as to not get too graphic, but when Serissa was grabbed, I first thought it was something like a grope. This is slightly reinforced by Rosalin's reaction, but the way it's written (grabbed, manhandled), plus the ensuing action with a patron pulling a knife, made me think that perhaps it was something more sinister. You probably want to make sure that part is clear. Actually, a lot of the beginning of that fight was muddled, and I wasn't sure if it was intentionally muddled (since the start of fights can be very hectic) or not. I'm guessing not intentional, so you might want to make that a bit more clear as well. I don't know why (except for plot reasons) Serissa would try to intervene against a patron with a knife. It didn't read like she was in immediate danger, nor anyone else distracted and not paying attention to him, so she wasn't really saving anyone either. Was it because he groped her, and she had a chance for payback? Or perhaps she should do it to save one of the others? Either way, I think there should be more reason that can be deduced. By the end of the chapter, I'm left with a taste of plot needs driving a lot of the action in the chapter. It seemed like things were being set up so that Rosalin would have help, rather than having it flow a little more naturally. This certainly isn't anything that couldn't be fixed, and most of what I thought I mentioned above, but that's something else you should be aware of.

This was a slow chapter for me to read, despite its relatively short length. I suspect part of this may be how Black Rose is the POV character, but she doesn't have a goal or objective for most of the chapter. Instead, she's just standing around and observing things for the majority of it. Perhaps the things she observes will be important later; perhaps they are included more for immersion, I don't know. What I do know is that I was finding it hard to keep my interest in the story for the first half of the chapter. I thought it picked up and became more interesting when she got the mask back, and then the offer of command. You might tie some of the previous stuff in a little more by having her debate whether she wanted to accept commands from someone who has that obvious of a lust for power (or knowledge, or whatever Black Rose interprets as the target of the General's look of desire). You might also try interspersing a little bit more of the activities of the general and the scholars with the conversation with Black Rose. Have the general multitask, as it were, unless it is far out of character for the general to do so. The last part, with her trying to get up to the private area (now that she had her mask!) I enjoyed, especially with the ceiling collapsing, and the hint that it may not have been just an accident of old age. I hope that comes into play later, somehow. I also hope a masked Black Rose is a more energetic, or at least active, character in the future chapters. It's been a good change so far in this one.

I thought the start of the chapter was a little odd. It makes some sense viewed as an omniscient narrator sliding into 3rd limited POV, but to me it just distracts from the start of the scene between Duko and Lisu. I wonder if it might work better having some of it come from Lisu's POV partway through the chapter. I don't think we need most of it right here; it can be assumed from the end of the previous chapter that he can help her somehow, and we have the immediate conflict of him wondering what's in it for himself. Lisu is described as meddling her ivy back to health. Is that the word you want? "Meddle"? Also, depending on the actions she is doing, this might or might not be a small POV error. It depends on if the action can be properly interpreted by Duko without knowing what she was thinking. Speaking of words, I wonder if you meant "spiel" instead of "schpeal"? Overall, I liked Duko in this chapter, and thought he was more interesting to read about than Lisu. Part of that may be the inevitable contrast between someone who knows what he wants out of the situation (more or less), and someone who's reluctant to take the next step in what they are forced to do. What does Lisu knowing how to dance have to do with the heist? That's just left there, as if it should be obvious to everyone, but I don't understand it right now, and have the feeling that it might be worth explaining somehow, or not mentioning. Also, if she's one of three people in the city with this magic, and the other two aren't capable of working this heist, wouldn't she worry that the blame would naturally fall straight to her? I had some problems with Lisu's varying perceptions of Duko. It seemed like she was either cowering from him or trying to bait him, and it switched back and forth too quickly for me. For instance, I thought her pressing him on the favors he asks of women was a bit much. The information revealed was interesting in what it said about his character, but I think there might be another way to get to it. I wonder if Duko might be a little more matter-of-fact about some of the things he suggests Lisu do, like eating and cutting her hair. For a bit, it seems like he is cajoling her into doing those things. Maybe it's part of his agreement, or how he views it anyway -- he helps keep her safe, and part of that is keeping her from being recognized, or falling in a faint from hunger. If so, it might be nice to get a bit of that reasoning from him, either in conversation or just from his POV later in the chapter. Finally, I think it might be nice to get a little deeper into Duko's head with some of the other sensations. In particular, I'm wondering about the pungent wine and the onion. Does he enjoy that food, or does he force himself to eat it for some of his stench abilities to work? Something from Lisu might be nice also, related to the smell. Did she expect him to stink? Did he stink? Does he resemble something that smells, either by mental association on her part or actually cultivating that image on his? Things like that would be nice to see sprinkled throughout the chapter.

Just today, I was listening to WE 6.12 (Revising for Description) and in it, Brandon mentions that a lot of starting authors struggle with just this issue. You might try giving it another listen, if you think it would help. I sometimes hit shuffle on the playlist with the episodes and see what comes up. Occasionally it's quite appropriate, and I often find another perspective on some part of the story I'm working on at the time.

I'm pretty sure this is the first thing I've read from you. In short: I was very confused. In a little longer, I was confused from the start, kind of thought I was getting the hang of things, then everything when crazy on me once more and I felt I knew less than I did at the beginning. To start with, the beginning drops right into a scene without much explanation. That's really not uncommon, and from what I can tell it is relatively easy to understand even without the explanation. This Traxix fellow made a cage for himself, and is now in it. We get to see Traxix being happy everyone is safe, and there are a couple of confusing aspects to it (a Valsish eye?), but I can mostly grasp what's going on here, and hope that either the Valsish eye isn't important, or that it would have a more complete explanation later. The part about the door (that isn't a door) was a little confusing also, but I was able to grasp it on a second read. Right after that, however, came "the voice of long friends laughing", which completely threw me off. I kind of hope it was just an editing mistake, because otherwise I am completely confused by it. Especially at the beginning of a fantasy (I think) story, where I can't be sure what is or isn't meant to be metaphor. The conversation with Salem (somewhat like banter, but not quite) was good. I didn't feel overly confused by anything, and was actually starting to get intrigued by some of the things hinted at in the conversation. It diverts to him filling the cage with her image, which is a little confusing but not overly so. I can assume it is set to psychically mirror what he thinks about or something, like a super-advanced biofeedback device set up for punishment. However, you describe his wife as having a broad chest, sculpted muscles, coarse hair of a stubbly beard... and somewhere in there I realize that you somehow decided to describe him instead of her, despite all my expectations from the opening of the paragraph. How long was the slat closed between Salem and the woman he thought might be his daughter? I read it as moments, maybe a few minutes, which kind of meshed with the surreal vibe I was getting from the whole thing anyway, and reinforced it. If that wasn't your intention, you might want to consider a bit more emphasis on the passage of time. Once the Calor enters the picture, I begin to think I see the course for the rest of the prologue, more or less. Of course, it doesn't go anywhere near the way I thought, so I won't belabor that. I mention this mostly so you know what one reader thought around this point, and that the changes from what I expected weren't pleasant surprises as much as reinforcing the confusion I was starting to feel before. On a second read, I can see that the reappearance of the woman at the slat, with her read hair, was only an image he conjured. The first time through, I thought it was another visitor, or possibly the same one, but there was no interaction between them. The jump between the warden appearing to inform him of the trial and his appearance in the Cathundrum was quite abrupt, to me. Perhaps you meant it to be. I was also confused by Charoh and the judge floating on song and harmonies. Again, I wasn't sure if this was poetic description, or meant to be an accurate description of what was happening. This was also the first time we saw anything much apart from the cage, which I imagined to be fairly bland and sterile. However, there is little in the way of description to place it. I actually was wanting a bit more description through here, of some of the lesser aspects. The judge, the crowd, the building they were in, maybe the weather and what it reminds Traxix of... things like that. Especially the judge, who is simply described as having skeletal hands, a white skull of a head (metaphor or "real"?), and the legs and tail of a running lizard. Since this is pretty far from the mental image of a judge that I have, you might want to explain a touch more for it. I thought the turn about of Charoh was pleasantly unexpected, when she started testifying for Traxix instead of against him. Her death was much more unexpected, not pleasant, but speaking as an author, a nice touch. From her death (or, at least, wounding) to the end read to me like a series of cars on an icy highway. A lot of things are happening, some of them predictable and some not, but when taken together it's a mass of confusion and unpredictability. So far as I can tell, you've pushed everything together here, mixing the action, the crowd's reactions, and Traxix's reactions all together at once. However, it reads almost like three parallel things happening, instead of each one causing another, and being caused by a previous. Near the end, I was also intrigued and confused by the idea of a large amount of time before the sun would shine again. I would hope this is developed further. Finally, the end, with Salem killing Traxix. This was also totally unexpected to me, and not in a good way. I didn't think it was set up enough to support that twist (and still don't, on a reread). Also, in doing this, you've killed (or apparently killed) the only character to whom I've cared about, or at least been intrigued by. Even absent the confusion, I have little incentive at this point to keep reading. There is some curiosity about the setting, but nothing I feel drive me to chapter 1. I am slightly curious why Salem would do this, and what he thinks he would gain, but I mostly don't know him enough well enough to want to find those things out. This ended up being a longer amount than I expected (although you could have read the short version I started with). I'll mention again that there were parts in there I thought were well-written, and some of the twists throughout the prologue surprised me in good ways, so don't take my criticisms too out of proportion.

No problems. That is part of what you submit (and why I should get some stuff whipped up to submit as well), so that people can view it from a different angle and find those spots. I quite agree that it can be easier to cut sometimes than to leave it in. Just be careful to not cut too much, of course, and leave something important out. I can't pinpoint it any more precisely than sometime around the elevator. I can hopefully give you some other information, however. I think part of it could be improved just by working a bit on the flow of the dialog, and the surrounding blocking. Part of it might be helped by clarifying the blocking -- I recall being slightly confused a couple of times over exactly what was being said about the movements outside of the dialog, many of which could potentially be taken out. (For instance, they could just step off the lift without a reference to getting on it, if actually being in the lift was of no particular importance.) Another part might be helped by working harder to relate it to Darkclaw's viewpoint, but this also goes back to the flow -- you will want to be sure his viewpoint sections are only jarring to the flow of the banter if you want to use that jarring aspect to further Darkclaw's character. Otherwise, I'd try to make his observations fit in as smoothly as they could. You may also want to imply the continued banter at some point as Darkclaw considers one aspect or another of it. This can be effective with characters who, shall we say, aren't the smartest on the block, by having them realize a few beats later what was implied in the other's banter. You might be able to adapt this to Darkclaw needing to think through the emotions behind the banter, and thus feeling constantly behind in his understanding of the situation. As they say in Reading Excuses, take what helps you and leave the rest. These are just some ideas off the top of my head, to get you thinking about the possibilities.

A lot of this chapter felt like it was positioning things for the coming chapters, although there was at least a little bit of intrigue also happening in Darkclaw's attempts to understand his emotions. In keeping with my feeling that this was positioning, I wondered how much could be trimmed from the chapter and still keep the important parts of the chapter intact. I also noticed some repetition. The repetition is the easiest to point out; besides the emotional flashes, which are expected to repeat, at least three different times in just this chapter you have Darkclaw consider the effect his actions at previous battles may have on the other species. That seems like two too many to me. Other repetition includes getting a summary of the results of the battle from Nayasar at the beginning of the chapter, then getting the summary again in the middle. Also, the battle that we witnessed one or two chapters ago is recapped in the middle of the chapter, just for Darkclaw to see. There were a couple of potentially interesting comments about what happened in the battle, but overall it wasn't something I thought I needed to read again. Things I wondered if they could be cut include the first few paragraphs, preparing to go on board the Felinar. The chapter could probably have started with him about to dock on the Felinar, lamenting the circumstances that had made the face-to-face meeting necessary, or something along those lines. Any necessary bridging information from the last known positioning for these characters could be handled with a few summary sentences following the start of the chapter. Some of the discussion about timing until the next attack might be able to go. Nayasar doesn't add any extra to the timeline Darkclaw had already decided, so I would recommend skipping that part of the conversation with her. Some of the surrounding conversation as well might be able to go, although I would keep the small conflict that comes from Darkclaw's insistence of the knowledge he gained from the High Lord that the alliance wouldn't strike back so soon. I thought the bantering between Nayasar and Felivas had the possibility of being interesting, but the actuality fell a little flat for me. I wonder if it was a little too much all at once. You might try spreading it out throughout the chapter(s) a little more, or you might try compressing it some, making that encounter shorter but more emblematic of the whole relationship. When Nayasar asks Darkclaw if she could test him for not having emotions, I was expecting a test then, or for her to arrange one at some point. However, nothing really happens except that she goes back to bantering with Felivas. In the end, he doesn't get tested in this chapter at all. I thought the prayer service scene could be compressed as well, or deepened somehow. Made richer. Near the end, Darkclaw thinks he has many questions regarding emotions, but I only read two questions, and he doesn't seem the type to just leave without asking questions once the topic is broached. That seemed odd to me also, in that I was expecting a longer interrogation phase. It was probably about the right length for story structure, though, which makes me wonder if you could give (or emphasize a bit more) the reason for Darkclaw leaving it at just those two questions. Why were the two guards not reprimanded for not sticking with Darkclaw when he left the prayer room? Or at least, why didn't Darkclaw note that he needed to have them reprimanded? Finally, the last portion of the chapter, with Darkclaw working at clearing his mind: is this part necessary? I wonder if it may be better to have happen off-stage, since the build up recently has been his emotional flashes and how they impair his functioning, and this small section releases a lot of that tension (by allowing him to clear his mind) when I don't think you probably want to release much of it.

Surprisingly, I don't see that anyone else has commented on this yet. I have to assume that many are in college and knee-deep in projects, essays, and what-have-you, plus making plans for spring break. So anyway, my overall impression from this chapter is that things got weird. I mean, I know they were odd before, what with the interesting vegetation, then potential immortality of people in the past, and some apparent magic, but in this chapter I felt like things really got a bit off-the-wall. We'll get to it shortly. At the beginning, when describing the expanse, I got confused over whether anything was allowed to grow there or not. You mention that it was razed and salted, then go on to talk about things that are allowed in the watches. On my second or third read, I can see you probably switch back to talking about the expanse when mentioning not letting the vegetation thrive where it couldn't be uprooted, but I think the paragraph could be made more clear. Possibly shortened somewhat as well. You say that the thought of Coil and his mother in the expanse was a pain to him. I wonder if the reason why it is a pain is suppose to be a mystery, or if it was supposed to be painful because his mother is dead? It also isn't exactly clear. I thought the halting explanations were interesting, but they seemed a little odd in the chapter, especially where they were placed. For the first part of the chapter, this is the only dialog, and it kind of sticks out. "Rae was not consoled and continued to be deceased." I liked this line, and the following one about the therapeutic value of talking to a corpse. Just FYI. This one in the same paragraph, though, I didn't understand: "At least silence could contain." In the description of the meat from Fen, you use "savory" and "dried meat" together. Savory to me usually implies something almost the opposite of dry. Not drowning in liquid, exactly, but not lacking it either. I thought the combination of these words was odd, maybe in a good way, but I don't know. I thought I'd point it out since this is, after all, a critique. I also thought the memories of Im were... not out of place exactly, but they stuck out a bit as well. It makes me wonder how much of a role Im is going to play in the rest of the story, such that we might want to know how he reacts to events like those remembered. Remembering gives Coil depth, also, but I'm not sure how much more depth we need from Coil at this point, either. Right around here, I was starting to want something to happen. "That night, Coil fought for sleep fitfully and wrapped in his mother's coat." I thought the way this was phrased was a little odd also. Anyway, a few paragraphs after I was hoping for some action to liven things up, something happens. As I mentioned before, I thought it got weird, but it starts out in the nicely fantastical sort of weird that I sometimes enjoy. A blinded man using tattooed eyes on his fingers to see through, that is neat while still being the cause of a bit of shivers. The glowing tattoos was interesting, as well. I also liked that they start off debating if Coil is a threat, nicely turning the tables on what I expected, which is the three of them being a threat to him. (They still are, but I don't recall things being considered that way from the other side nearly as often as might be desired.) Once the others start being described, to me it starts turning into more of a freak show than the nicely fantastical imagery given by the first man. I don't mind it too much until the boy on the end of the chain makes an appearance, at which point I start to get a little overwhelmed, and wondering if every one of them has to be odd for oddness sake. It isn't enough to keep me from reading, and indeed you may have an explanation for it waiting right in the next chapter, but it is something that concerns me. I think it's mostly the fact that I find it hard to relate to the boy's behavior, or to understand or anticipate the behavior of any of the other three men either. I hate to suggest fixes, since you know better than I do what you are going for, but it also occurs to me everything through here reads as if it's a half-step removed from Coil. It makes me wonder if some of the problems I have with this part of the story stem from the fact that I'm reacting in a variety of ways, but Coil doesn't seem to be reacting much at all. If I had a reaction I could identify with from the main character, perhaps everything would seem better.

I wanted to come back to this topic and this chapter because I just read the summary you sent with chapter 3, which says (in part): This wasn't exactly what I remembered; especially Fen sending Im on a false task, leaving Coil free to leave. Now that it is written that way, I can recall the end of chapter 2, and with this awareness understand what happened at the end of the chapter. However, it wasn't what I had understood to be happening the first (and second) time I read that chapter. I thought you might want to be aware of this, since it may both make it easier to understand my critique of the end of that chapter, and also so that you might give some thought as to if that sequence could be more clearly conveyed. (Of course, there may always be some readers who end up not catching on to things like that, and though I don't like to think of myself as one of them, I have had similar misinterpretations in the past -- one most notably when discussing a book in one of my college literature classes.)

Maybe it was because this was my second time reading the story, and I knew a little more about what to expect. Maybe it was that you made some improvements to the flow of the story. Whichever it was, I did find this version easier to follow through the breaks and the time jumps. With that said, I still think it was too hard. The transitions need improvement, in my opinion. The first paragraph or two after the breaks can sometimes be read as a continuation of the previous section, which doesn't help with the clarity. The most egregious of these was when Aerill had just been shot and died (with a candle falling next to her). The next paragraph, after the section break, talked about Aerill feeling herself flow into Candle, which could easily be read as a simple continuation of the previous, set apart into a different section for emphasis. I think you're on the right track for a non-linear story, however. The sections seem placed well to build up to the apotheosis at the end, delving more into what she has learned and further into her communion with Candle. If I was to suggest one way to shorten the story, I wonder if the first scene really needs to be here. The relevant details -- a non-magical daughter of a mage lord sent away from the family -- could be conveyed nearly as simply as I just did, in the next chapter or the one after. It helps with the description of Aerill somewhat, but I wonder how much the description of her matters by the time she becomes the Goddess of Tallow. Although now that I consider it, you might want to have her physique changing some through the story, as a bit of an omen for her eventual change. I'm not quite sure how much the bow fits into things anymore. Especially since the way the story is written now, it appears the point of Barryl taking her to attack the castle was to force the apotheosis, as opposed to rescuing a captive that was in the previous version. It makes me wonder what the bow is supposed to do, or help, that she needs it as a gift before they try their attack. I did enjoy Barryl's near negligence of how to use a bow, or what the pieces may be for. His glib dialogue in this section was nice. I also liked the idea behind the God of Sharpening, although I'm glad he didn't stick around in the story for long. If more words needed cutting, you might even cut down on his part some more. The passing mention of the Gem-Rail, and some of the other mentions, speak to more world-building than can be shown in just this story, but having them here generally doesn't help me out. I think I remarked on this last time as well, but the Gem-Rail confused me to where I wanted either more explanation of it, or to not know about it at all. Since it is only mentioned as her transportation, it could probably be cut as well with little to no affect on the rest of the story. If it has further significance in other stories you want to relate to this one, or to weave around this one, then maybe a passing description of it? Or do what you feel you need to, I guess. Near the end, arrows start passing through Barryl. I seem to recall in the last version there was a bit of explanation for that. In this version, he's catching arrows in his body, then pulling them out or having them fall out. Then, suddenly, they pass through him. It's dramatic, but the change possibly undercuts the drama somewhat. I think I preferred having a bit of explanation for this in the text as well. It wouldn't take much, maybe a quick line about how he can become incorporeal, but unfortunately for her, she can't. I thought the phrasing of her blood spidering out at the opening of the last section was a vivid image, but an odd one. Mostly it's the use of spidering, I think. Also, I'm not exactly sure what Barryl is doing when he's digging his fingers into her head, and urging her to fight it. I assume the fighting (and the thing with her name) was her needing to establish her own balance with the World and her actual person, so that one is not completely overwhelmed by the other. The part where he's digging fingers into her head was more where my confusion came from. However, that wasn't much. In the end, I thought Barryl's go-away line was nice, but I was hoping to see just a touch more of Aerill using her powers -- under conscious control, anyway. Especially if she used them to nearly immediately get them out of the tower/out of trouble. It doesn't have to be long or drawn out, but something for me as a reader to positively gain from the transformation, besides the nebulous eternal-life aspect to it.

I'm getting nearly a month late again, but not quite. Perhaps someday I'll keep on top of things here (all evidence to the contrary). So, with Keth once more at the start of this chapter. I kind of liked the opening paragraph as far as setting the scene, and giving Keth some odd abilities that he doesn't think are useful (which may come into play later?), but it was a little flat with regards to getting a feel for Keth's POV. What does he think about the cartography? Why does he do it? Does he consider it beneficial at all? Why does he use a fluorescent lantern instead of magic, if he can produce a magic light? Is there some benefit to it? How does the backpack show it's use? Are there scrapes, dents, or patches that remind Keth of previous adventures or escapades? The transition to him being alert right before the dinosaur appears is rough also. Additionally, I thought the reference to being faster than most cars off-putting. First of all, it seems unlikely that the dinosaur could accelerate that quickly in what is presented as mere instants before Keth has to dodge. Second, cars can go really, really fast, and I find it hard to believe any animal could do that (absent magical help, which granted, could be in play here). As previously mentioned, you have a bit of a tendency to info dump in this part. The end of the paragraph with the dinosaur's charge is one good example, where the action is stopped to mention absorbing Dex's combat knowledge. (Also, absorbing knowledge doesn't necessarily speed your reflexes; I had assumed with the reference to "Dex's reflexes" that he had actually gained some sort of super speed from the demon.) Another worrisome spot is just a bit later when Keth summons the spider. The beginning of the paragraph isn't quite an info dump, but slows the narrative drastically. You could trim unimportant parts there, and have him concentrate to produce the elemental, with fewer details. However, once he summons it, the info dump really starts back up again. I liked the crystalline spider and how it gained a blush when it drank the blood from the dinosaur. When Keth unsummons the spider, why does his hand tingle strangely? Rather, is it strange to him, or normal? Also, somewhere around here I started wondering why, if Keth can uncommon demons, he can't be rid of Dex? This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the text is starting to lose it's hold on me, and I'm starting to question aspects of the story, which means my suspension of disbelief is starting to fray somewhat. Also, what happens to Dex if Keth dies without releasing or unsummoning him? Why does Dex help Keth? After Keth leaves the dead dinosaur, how does he know there's a pack charging towards the dead one? I also thought it was odd how he seemed to just go along with the tugging on his hand, especially at first. Also, on second read I again wonder why not summon his creature for light when his lantern is broken? On a technical note, referring to the summoned creatures as "summons" confuses me, since that is also the present tense verb form. For your first divider section, I was confused what POV this is supposed to be. It makes me question some of the past POV assumptions I may have made, that it is 3rd person limited. However, if it is 3rd omniscient (or something similar), I might recommend that you establish that better near the beginning, either in the prologue or in the first chapter. For the second divider, it raised a lot of questions, and most of them good. For example, I was wondering who Mr. G. was, and trying to remember (without going back and looking) what the initials of the big bad enforcer guy was from chapter 1. Of course, there is also the contradiction in someone "slaughtering enemies of peace", which doesn't sound very peaceful. On the other hand, some things threw me for a loop. For example, the midyear being the autumnal equinox, especially if Mr. G. was the same guy from the first chapter. It also has overtones of earth-like structures, such as the reference to conspiracy forums and cameras. The combination really threw me for a loop, and left me without knowing whether it was supposed to be earth (or a very similar place), or someplace different. For the beginning of book 2, I thought that the build-up to the plan was a little overly-mysterious, but that it was written well enough to convey the abilities that a cheshire has (as well as some drawbacks), and how Jhin has expanded on those abilities. However, it left some questions and doubts in my mind as to the limits and some interactions -- such as if they need to breath in their other dimension? Not super important at that part in the story, but it had me a little curious. Also, how would they know if a cheshire neglected to leave a piece of himself in the "real world"? If he lost the connection to the dimension, how would people on the other side even know? The other aspect that had me curious and/or confused, which you may want to address, is what happens to those random pieces Jhin sends back into the world when they get ripped away? Or actually more importantly, what happens to Jhin? Is he basically burning parts of himself away in order to travel like this? If so, what are the repercussions of, say, losing a piece of his intestine? Heart? Brain? Wouldn't he rather just phase bits of his skin over, preferably parts that would regrow? Still, I think it has some potential as a sort of spy or heist story.