Usseewa

Rysn

(Title of a song in case u don't know) So, I recently thought on how I would love to have a friend that instead of just texting, we voice/video called. Or, just called for a mote general term. I've... never had friends I call. I've had a few (kinda) that I text, but I just imagine it must be nice to sometimes just talk to them and be able to have more fluidity outside the confines or texting, and be more natural and stuff... I mean it would be probably even better depending to talk in-person. I've done that some, and it can be good (or awkward since I don't have close friends really). But... texting can be slow and limited. It can be good, too, but if you have a long text it can take long to type up. It might take long to say, also, but you can kinda get conversation from you and the other person at once. And... you can have more verbal cue type things and noises, like the "uh" "uhm" and hesitations or breathing changes, like sighs or sharp inhales, and silence is more pronounced imo. I imagine. And laughter besides a "lol" or something. Idk. I also have been able to talk more, as of late, like in general. So the few times I had previously of talking to friends over call (I remembered I actually did it like twice or thrice) and in-person that one time and the few others, so those times I usually didn't talk much but lately I've been able to talk more so yeah. Idk it's just also a more natural thing kinda and more human, too. I'd just talk, rather than... idk. Texting is nice too, actually. But there are times that I'd like to be a call or something, I guess. Maybe. Hshehwhweudjbd

u have autism right so could you tell me more about what it entails so i can know if i might have it? ............. if you want, maybe not idk maybe its fine hahwhwhdhbhdhdneenejje help

20 per day, if you were being genuine in that question

is anyone else interested/intrigued by religion (at least sometimes) despite being an atheist? i am

dolor sit amet also who's Kasuya i like dis one tho out of rep for some resin

Let's see... what am i edit: I'm:

im doing something different than yall "__ skiddoo"

It is (possibly) Wednesday, mon dudes! On Feeling; or, Newfound Emotional Vividity So.......... I think I might be out of my depression, or at least the worst of it. For now or for a bit, not sure. Or may still be in it. But it's eased up I believe. Yes. And there are good and bad feelings that come with that. Firstly, newfound emotional vividity! Lol. Hopefully I used the right words but basically... I feel like I can actually *feel,* now. And the thing is, I can't actually remember if I was the same a few weeks, months, or years ago, but it somehow *feels* very different and new? I've watched a fair amount of movies and TV shows and anime both while still kinda depressed, and more recently when I was *maybe* not/less depressed? I struggle to define my depression. But, I've felt like I can relate to the characters much more then before (even if I don't remember what it was like before). Things feel new, the *world* feels new. I feel like I've read that described before (probably in the gdb..). But anyway, I feel like every show or movie I watch is, like, a masterpiece or something. Almost every. I feel like I can feel the characters and relate to them, their struggles, their feelings, *why* they do/say/feel something, and their lives. I've gotten goosebumps a few times, or cried or nearly cried. I used to cry a lot while reading or watching something emotional, and I usually *tried*, or wanted, to cry. But I don't feel like I could tell what it was about the characters that made me enjoy them, also. Or why they were relatable. I can scrounge up an old shard post by me about this with the Cosmere books if anyone cares. I still... can't always do it or do it a lot, but while watching a movie/show, I feel connected to the character and, in the moment, I do think of a specific thing/things that plays a role in that. I watched Encanto again, recently, and it almost made me cry (or did, I forget). I don't remember much about when I watched it for the first time, but this time I was invested in it and the characters and I felt grief for them or happy or sad or whatever. I watched a movie a few weeks ago when dealing with my depression stuff and the character was pretty similar to me too but I just felt very immersed, like I *was* her. I know that's kinda what media is supposed to do, lol. But it felt different, more vivid more lifelike or lively or something. I'm listening to an audiobook now, and it has two girls who end up dating but they like each other (it's not even a classic romance lol) and I just felt very relatable to that, I related and I longed for it and felt sad but also felt *very* happy *for* them. So, I'm not sure if this is all a new thing completely for me, or just a new thing since the depressive episode or whatever, or not new at all. Idk. And I can sometimes feel like *I* am the character, like I can visualize myself as them and like when it describes waving or smiling or anything I feel like I am doing it too. idk. But beyond that, I've also been more happy lately. Or, happy more. I think, something. I still feel bad sometimes/maybe even often, but sometimes I just get talkative and happyyyy. And not even talkative always, I get happy alone or quiet sometimes. And it's s different kind of happiness- I'm not just waiting for it to go downhill (even if it does). I'm living more in the moment, I guess. I guess a good word is "carefree," perhaps. And I smile, genuinely, effortlessly, smile, the whole time. I look forward to things, too. To D&D club or to talking to someone or whatever. I still spiral a lot, especially in therapy when I gotta talk about difficult things, or sometimes throughout the day. I still get brainfog or something and feel depressed. But I also feel happy, and when I'm happy the depression isn't like Death looming over my shoulder. I'm not very sure how I feel and how I feel about things, though. I say I've been happy, I say I've been depressed. But I can't remember much of what either feels like. Or, I can, vaguely, but it's too difficult to remember/feel much. Too much to think about, I think that's what brainfog is. I think my earlier entry was describing brainfog, perhaps. I'm not sure what I feel. Innocuity; or, Trigger Words Are there specific words, phrases, sentence structures or templates, questions, etc. that... trigger you? Or that irritate you, or make you feel attacked? I've found that, a lot, I wait for the "but" in a sentence, yet (hehe) it never comes, sometimes. When I'm vulnerable to someone and they respond (or before they even respond), I'm constantly waiting for them to criticize or mock me, or to say how I'm wrong, to shake their head, to euphemize it (guess that ain't a word?) To say "well, it can feel like that, but ____" or something idk. And when I get off track and someone steers me back and I feel bad and also ignored, like all the sometimes pretty vulnerable stuff I just shared was irrelevant and they don't care, or think I'm silly or some other adjective/trait/quality. But that in itself is off-topic. I have certain things, of the types mentioned in the first sentence of this section, that makes me berate myself or breathe in or stop talking because I think something bad is coming. Or get angry, perhaps. I can't really name many because I don't remember, but yeah. And then, there are the more trigger ones, or just things that I "don't like." There's a.. term I don't like being referred to as because it's something of s compliment and I was called it by a girl I think I liked who I won't see again unfortunately but idk I just don't want anyone else... "stealing" it? It feels special, idk. And it seems kinda unreasonable to ask people to not use <insert pages list of words/phrases> to/around me. (I don't have a list, but I could probably make one with time.) So, whatever, I just deal with the discomfort every time something of them is spoken/said/written. But is that like it with you? Do you have them? Bonus that no-one wanted Literally nobody: Me: Labels, Diagnosis, and Internet Rabbit Holes So cough hah yeah I mentioned this I guess and let's see if I can write something about it. I was/am (I don't know who I am anymore, tbh. I've started saying more and more in past tense or with uncertainty), someone who goes down Internet rabbit holes of mental illness or conditions or whatever. Yarp. I'm still kinda convinced I have a certain thing that I probably don't and have been told I don't by several medical professionals and stuff. I find it fascinating, though. It used to be more anxiety-inducing, as I would *worry* I have the thing I was researching, but now I don't worry anymore. I just pay attention to everything I and others do and how it fits the symptoms of any of the things I've researched... Also I wanna say that uhhh self-diagnosis not necessarily good, or just plain bad idk. And uhh don't do what I do. And I'm not only saying that for disclaimer-ey purposes. I've talked about this stuff with therapists/psychiatrists/other mental health people, and I've learned that those stuff can be a little too.. general. Or something. Idk if I should be speaking on this in the first place lol. But, symptoms also overlap, etc., and can look similar and not take into account other things. That doesn't stop my mind unfortunately. But yeah. Also, lately I've found labels harder to use, because to use a label for something I do or experience or whatever, even like "spiralling" or "brainfog" or "fidgeting" (though less-so) or "intrusive thoughts" or "suicidal ideation" or other things is hard for me because that, to me, implies/requires my certainty, it makes it official. It says that I'm confident, when I'm not. Or, I start to doubt and spiral when I have to use a label. Maybe probably. So it can help for me, I think, to focus on my "symptoms" and how I'm affected by whatever it is, and not have to diagnose everything. Hopefully I'm not spreading misinformation... uhh mmm uhm bye

it's a meme/vine... and Glass used to do it a lot, too. Honestly it's been a hit-or-miss when I say it to ppl IRL. Only like... one person got it, plus D&D group (I think?)

Carbon^2.71828...

of the insane kind? hmmm.. well tbh lately I've struggled with what of myself to label as "anxiety" because labels can be hard for me, in different ways. It's like semantic satiation (repeat a word a bunch and it sounds meaningless and silly for a bit). "Anxiety" has lost it's meaning for me and I don't know what it means anymore. My past self had anxiety, so I can say I do? But... to cope, I listen to music, is one thing. Sometimes I'm in the mood for a certain playlist, artist, or song so I rush to put that on. Sometimes I want calming music, other times I don't mind the more energetic (cuz I want stimulation, I think). Etc. Sometimes I try to just stop the spiral and take a breath. Like, I know breathing is cliche but like I stop my thought chain and take a single deep/slow breath and it usually helps, even if i start up again in a few seconds lol... For like other anxiety, idk. Idk if I get it. I feel like in getting better I'm losing who I am, which was largely my "negative" qualities like social anxiety (or whatever it was) and even some depression stuff and whatever. Or maybe not. But idk. Cuz then sometimes I feel like I can't relate as much to something I once did. And I just have brain fog or something but maybe it's not and maybe just the absence of stuff-once-there. Idk.. Yeah, ADHD is neurodivergence. Tbh I can't think about my ADHD anymore and how it affects me. Not sure if I ever did. Idk. I literally doubt I have ADHD sometimes.. Despite the diagnosis and symptoms. Is this a quote? also... "Follow the truth" Are you saying you are Truth :3 lol (d'ya get it) I might be audhd but i have no clue. very true. Though it still can exist somewhat, naybe depending and maybe moreso before early on..

IT IS WEDNESDAY, MY DUDESSSSS

I mean I don't code a lot anymore but notepad, python mainly but also a bunch others, and godot (or scratch) but i also don't game engine much. lol luau hawaii i used luau back when i used roblox for game making gdscript lol

there's probably some flaw tbh but idk shrug

jk Carbon

ah yeah tbh if you want you can read through THT posts lol but it's a lot i know you csn get clothing that is more feminine but also.. less obvious, or more androgynous/gender-neutral, especially if you aren't out yet and/or don't want people to know yet. It can be as simple as getting pjs, hoodies, pants (cargo, jeans, sweatpants, etc.) from the women's section. They're more feminine and can feel nice and be affirming and comfortable and also yeah. I actually did the hoodie shoulder thing once or twice when I was younger. i don't wanna pressure u to do anything but am i right it seems you do want help? clothing is one way to start. I remember when I first started wearing some new/feminine clothing, I was shy to go out in public and wear it around people I knew, but it turned out fine with no comments. I told one person I was trying out a new style or trying to get style or something (cuz before that I wore boring clothes that I hated). (Also we should take this to THT or CGD if it's longer discussion, maybe) and i gtg soon but you can also do nailpolish are you out to parents? I assume you live with your parents. Depends what they're like, honestly. If they're open allies and stuff, I'd come out to them whenever you're ready, and rhey can support you a lot. If not, idk, still do when ready or not at all if you can't or idk, do what you want? But yeah nailpolish. you can even do it on your own and then take it off if you don't want anyone to see. personally I did it and it was new and really cool. i ended up going out in public/school eith them, too, and it went good. i love having painted nails. you can shave your legs if you want. i or others could give you tips. you could shave your face, for sure. depends how old you are tho tbh, you might not need to (...yet...) so yeah like wardrobe changes can be nice, and even sometiems just thinking of yourself as a girl now and viewing your outfit as girly? Maybe. idk but yeah. uhhh what else uhm... there's other stuff but hopefully this wasn't too much but try some things, see what works or doesn't, what makes you feel happy or feel more *you*, and maybe it's hard to try some things so idk. ur siggy is actually pretty neat tbh

sorry lol i never finished those resources... the GDB is good to start I'd say otherwise maybe journal u also don't have to have it occuoy every second of your day like it did for me. anyway yeah hotspot yeah haheh..

WANNA SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IT'S HORRIBLE IT'S AWFUL IT'S my eyess.... are so tiredd.. help

the fongerless hands do u think th se fongerless gloves are cuting off my circulartonn or is it jsut my arm postiokn? so numbbb