Usseewa

500th reply noice ok, cool. why don't u want to be trans? or something

....sorry to bring this up again but did u read the gdb?

Ah, yes. At this moment I'm not feeling bad, but I'm pretty sure I was while writing everything there. There are also some things that I remember feeling, and then I'm a little surprised to realize I don't anymore. In a good way. The things were bad. Or not good. This has come up a lot recently for me.

Thanks for responding. I'm not sure if I want to be one of those people or not, but I certainly want to know what it's like to be them. Maybe, kinda like what you said, I want that for myself. I want what they have. I want to be me happier, like you said. I wanna add that basically my whole life, or most of it (as in, maybe not every moment), I've felt like the pre-transition guy on the left: (From https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/biochemical-dysphoria) That's pretty much what my expression is usually, and I feel flat and not happy, not sad, but kinda emotionless? Or something. And then I have to force myself to smile sometimes, like for photos (ewww). Then when I'm genuinely smiling or laughing, I'm surprised. Once I realize I am. Like, I've always felt like that guy on the left. If someone ever looked at me, I'd probably look like that. edit: i seem to get the feeling that maybe you don't relate a ton to what I said? idk

i knew it kinda lol anyway... didn't Szeth kill one? or not. probably not. was it Chana?

Hmm? Ok... is it... (WaT I think)

lol... yeah.. it happens lol. oh crap wait a storming second. oh nvm idk if that fits everything

Wdym? Oh. Better fit probably than the actual one you have in mind. Is it...........obligatory hoid? lol.... if no one guessed him already

Wait a second ... could it be... (WaT)

I think someone guessed him already and the answer was no.

Good luck!

Hmmm... RoW

You shouldn't be jealous. Or,...well it's normal to be, but maybe see it not in a bad way but, like, something to look forward to, or a goal. U shouldn't compare urself to others tho. im jealous of yall too, or at least i was. now, i want what yall have but i dont rhink im rlly jealous. also, you are "trans enough," no matter what ppl tell u or doubts u have. u don't need a list of specific things or, like, idk. uh yeah edit: ok so i wrote a poem yesterday abt this but not everyone sees those and also i just wanna put it in plain language here for all yall sooooo: do you find yourself wanting...to have a different life? Like, I'm pretty sure I can trace this far back in my "life." I envy everyone. I envy people I read about or imagine or randos around me. I envy their normal lives, I envy their experiences I can only dream about, I want to know what it feels like to be them. Basically an IRL body-swap? But I'd also have their brain. Or, just knowing what they think and feel. And for some reason I think everyone else has so much better a life than me, or more real or more ... more... higher quality? More better. Idk. And I just imagine how great their lives are. And idc about whatever hardships they have, whatever depression, whatever happiness, whatever grief, whatever everything they have, I want it. I'd take it. It feels like they actually get to enjoy (or at least live/experience) life. Not that I'd want my depression and bad stuff I'm stuck with rn, but I wouldn't mind theirs? Speaking of depression, I've never - or at least rarely - actually felt like I've been depressed, I just say depression cuz it's easier and similar. I'm not saying I've never been depressed, I'm just sayin' that I struggle to self-define it as such. It's always felt like something else. I guess mainly cuz I feel like depression comes with hopelessness, right? And...other stuff that I don't wanna think about but probably am and will anyway. I think I've felt some form of hopelessness, but... I'm also always afraid of... admitting stuff like that. Stuff I consider bad/dangerous. Stuff that would make people worry? Ugh. Now it keeps just sounding like I have that stuff and I don't want that to be true but there's a possibility it could be gahhhh. Lmk if you need me to define "stuff" better...but yeah. So where was I... I guess the times I've been more severely depressed or whatever it is, I'm always told, like, "it'll go away! It happens to everyone, but doesn't last long!" POV me when it keeps repeating and, of course, when - in the midst of depression - it's hard to believe that: "yeah... okay..." And then every time I write about depression/depression-related stuff, or read/watch about it, or think about it - basically when I start deeply pondering my unhappiness - then I get worried and possibly depressed idk. So, basically I've always been fascinated in people's lives - or thinking of what they must be like. Especially the "mundane," everyday type stuff. Anddddd, especially around others. Like, what's it like for then at their job - even a "boring" job - and interacting with others? What are the small moments like? What's it like for them hanging out with friends? With their partner? Alone? I guess I probably wondered mostly for girls/women, now that I think about it. But what are they thinking? What is that person feeling? Are they just waiting to get somewhere or waiting for something? Are they excited for something? Are they depressed on the inside? What is their day like? Btw most of the time when I've been talking about a person/people here, it's basically just everyone in general. Everyone I see around, or lives/moments/people I dream up. Basically... will transitioning or HRT or whatever help me become like one of those people? Will I get a taste of that normal but so-wonderful life? It's just beautiful to think of others' lives. Idk. Like they must have so many wonderful moments and feelings and thoughts and friends maybe and days. And "wonderful" doesn't necessarily mean happy. Maybe just emotional, or real. Like meaningful? Like emotional but it connects to you and you are a part of it. I'm also trying not to just give a textbook-definition/symptoms for everything, cuz then ur just like "oh yeah, this really sounds like X." But hopefully most of what I'm saying makes sense. I can probably explain more if you need. Also... the realistic part of my brain is saying that every moment of other peoples' lives are probably not as beautiful as I think... but honestly I think/view that they are. And sometimes it's hard to remember what my thoughts were in the past. Like remember what I was thinking. When I'm thinking of my past for trans stuff. omg pun detected. for trans. fortrans. FORTRANs. Look it ("FORTRAN") up. No 'S'. Anyway, what else what else. I've tried writing a character with everything I'm imagining people's lives are like, with some success I guess? And also, reading helps but sometimes it's hard? Maybe it's not fulfilling enough, or it's not what I want or imagined, or I have trouble sometimes? Idk. Actually, I do relate to characters I think. Usually/always the female ones (but not all female ones). Or I like the character in general, idk. Uhhh yeah. That's it for now, I think. Lemme think if there's any more to add... idk why is it so hard to remember my life. I remember a basic timeline... mostly. I remember some major stuff. I know things that happened. But... it's cloudy I guess? Especially rn, it's hard to focus on anything, it feels weird. Now idk what there would be to focus on. Bleh. Feels like a mushy brain that's being stretched and can't stretch, but not being physically stretched. Ok ignore thatttt i guess idk. Uhmm... yeah i guess that's all for now, tho i kinda wanna add more but can't think of anything atm. @Aeoryi @Hmmm lies @Akimikoisthecutest @Honors Ghost @Ink and Embers @Keke @certifiedcranedriver idk who else lol. but just pinging since I edited instead of double-posting.

To me, that basically screams Honorblade. or radiant blade thing/shardblade. or...nightblood? idk if it burns eyes. Oh Wait a sec Is it Szeth? Oh no he's not cosmere-aware damnit. Wait it's probably a radiant spren. Maybe a Herald? Didn't they all betray Taln? Also that bondsmith dude in wat. or maybe a fused or smth. maybe ...lezian? u forgot the Roshar clue. bro whyyyyyy wait a sec WaT

maybe think about how far u've come and what you've already done. Like, nailpolish, realizing ur trans, etc. idk. plus, it's harder when u don't have supportive ppl irl.

Did u see this? I was guessing Sadeas but ig didn't make it obvious for the sake of a pun. lol Ink probably got it but is it... idkkk bro why this so hard

and, is that cuz it's hard or cuz u actually dont wanna be? "Everyone's Journey Is Different"

that's good to hear. i might be less thrilled later on,...but for now id be happy with anything. at least i want it.

Restrained Do you ever feel, Restrained? Do you want things, You can’t have? Or don’t have? Or won’t have? Do you feel like what you truly want… …is wrong? And therefore… …you just continue along? Not loving what you do, But pretending to. Not being passionate, Not expressing yourself, Not being you, Not exploring, Not fulfilling, Your inner truth. Have you ever been scared, To be yourself? Have you ever been scared, Of liking something? And so you continue on, Liking what you are told to, Doing what you are told to, …and beginning to believe it. You see others, Who express parts of that true you. You are with others who do. But you can’t ever tell them, can you? Ridicule will follow, You will be ashamed, You will be wrong, You will be an outcast. A rebel. A freak. You must like this, you are told. No, that’s not for you, they say. These messages are absorbed. You believe them as true. You believe them as social law. You become afraid of what you want, So you “want” what you don’t. You hope you’ll get a morsel, Without asking. You hope that accidentally, You’ll get what you crave deep down. Sometimes you do, In those rare moments. Most oft you don’t, And live life depressed. Do you? Life I Want Sometimes I want a different life. I see you there, and think what it’s like, To be you. I wonder what you think, feel, dream, and fear. I wonder what your life is like, Happy and sad alike. I wonder what your day is like, And wish I could see. I want to be you, I want to be everyone. I want to know what they think and experience, No matter how bland it may seem. I don’t care if you have a “boring” life, That makes it all-the-better. I want to see what everyone feels, What you feel, I want that life. If only for a day, Or two or three. I want to Mitsuha, I want to be Taki, I want to be you. I want to feel everything you do. Everything challenge you may hate, Every difficulty you face, Everything you love, Each precious moment, Each passing thought, You are so wonderful, Even if you don’t feel it so. Each moment you live is beautiful, No matter how trivial. You are beautiful. If only we could share that beauty, Together. If only I could have that beauty—that life. I don’t care what hardships I’d face—I just want a life. I want to feel how I imagine you do—even if you neglect to notice. Why can’t I… Why must I continue on like this… When will my life begin… Will it ever? …Or has it already begun? Because it doesn’t feel so. It feels like everyone else has a normal life, One perhaps taken for granted. Why? Whywhywhy? Can I please just… …be you. For a moment. - Lily.

something else too ewwww i dont like thinking about needles or didnt ugh everything is so confusing sis that sounds so fun/affirming...

Bro I hate needles not gonna open that... gimmegimme idk if i care abt that or not tbh.. also sorry guys but that was a lot of sciency stuff

I mean..idrk how i feel abt fertility/infertility atm... why is permanent breast development a downside? What mood changes? I'd probably like them

how do they know lol combining my two fave things oh crap they really did know