Robinski

Yeah, I've finished changing my mind over this. If Ir has to tell Sue we then need to get Sue's immediately reaction and no doubt some more blowing up, and it would tend to bog down the scene. I agree.

I looove that diagram!! Well done. Having said this, yes, there is a LOT of context and information here that I have no concept of in reading the story. Dare I suggest that perhaps there is a need for a prologue?

The Wire, now there's a good show. Meine Kommentare. (page 1) - "mindlessly shifted to the right" - now does she do that being on the floor? Is everyone else standing? I'm to seeing this right. - "Their sparks would turn into..." - How can two peoples' sparks become a whole flock of birds, or a whole field of thousands of flowers? - "would need something with less hours" - <cough> fewer hours <cough> - Where is this line? Inside, outside? - "shrank with the rise of the sun" - rising, IMO. (page 3) - "not to create slaves out of territorial acquisitions" - struck my ear awkwardly. Slaves are people, but territorial acquisitions sound like land. The two don't seem compatible. - "by guillotine or another reasonable method" - 'other' would scan better, IMO. Also, reasonable method of execution seems like a contradiction in terms to me. - "in the iron mines to the north" - This to me sounds like the mines are just to the north of the city, compared to something like 'in the north', which sounds like the far north, north of the The Wall, etc. (page 4) - "to probation with community service" - these are totally modern terms. Also, still think that five years would be a more reasonable relaxation for the least scenario. (page 5) - "bent her sitting form into a kind of bow" - Awkward phrasing. Can't she just bend forward into a kind of bow? I know already that she's sitting. (page 6) - "She turned towards the right, to the dormitories" - IMO, 'She turned to the right, towards the dormitories.' Sounds better, I reckon. (page 8) - "In the center of it all" - All what? All that was described was the bars. - "Ir fell a step back" - This sounds like she's actually fallen over. Can she not just...'took a step back'. - "slave myself away for ten years" - Sue's tone is not quite working for me. Why would she know of the offer to reduce the sentence? In Draft 2, was Ir not the one to bring that news to Sue? Maybe I am misremembering that detail. Still, it seems to me more effective if Sue think it's twenty years. Although...I can see how you save half a page by having Sue know already. Fair enough. I've talked myself out of it. - Good emotion. Sue's role in this scene is not perfect, IMO. (page 9) - "make sure I chose slavery" - 'choose': it's still in the present, the decision is still to be made. (page 10) - "and your golden musicians.” Sue..." - great line, missing comma for period. - "If only Ireen could make herself believe that." - The last line...it doesn't land for me. I like the ending without out it. I know it's a completely different dynamic to the ending, but somehow the existing version was really predictable, IMO, and therefore not especially satisfying. Overall Super. Roll on next Monday. Lots of emotion and anger, rage in fact, but also fear and just a general tone of weariness underlying everything. I think the danger is that the stakes are quite different now. We've talked about lengthening the stakes of the rebel attack through the book, which I think I recall was how you were going to go, so, given that a long(er) arc of rebellion has just come to an end, when need to be sustained to the end of the book by whatever tension remains, whatever stakes, remain. I think it's a case of being all over that and ensuring the reader still feels there is a satisfying and weighty conclusion to be had in these final pages. Nice work

Cool beans. Will reply to your submission email within the next hour.

Mis comentarios. (page 1) - Who is 'her'? Who's POV are we in? (Maybe it's EK, and maybe it's all EK, in which case likely this would not be a question in reading the whole book.) - "If it is here, then it must have killed the other one" - If what is where? What other one? I don't like having this many questions at the start of a chapter. - What is she talking to? I guess it's the magic McGuffin. Lines? - What killing? - What is 'it'? - "far, far out of her league here" - Where? - After the first page, its only towards the end of the page that I feel in any way oriented or attached to the story. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's not a particularly comfortable or enjoyable experience, IMO. (page 2) - "She bolted up" - bolted as a verb means 'to run'. Conventional usage (and therefore clarity, IMO) would b e 'She sat bolt upright.' There's a school of thought that says language conventions (like grammar) are just guidelines. I believe if you follow that hypothesis to its logical conclusion you get social media, which is a hot mess of misunderstanding, fallacy, inaccuracy and error. Rant over. It's not you, GR, but there is a lot of laziness over grammar in the world and I hate it. - "thousands of en" - Cool image. I know what these are, can picture them and therefore got a nice strong impact from the description. - I'm very much enjoying this encounter. I personally would vote for some tidying up of the first page, but this is very good, IMO. - Is it 'psy net' or 'mind space'? We seem to have two terms for the same thing, which could get confusing fast. - "their hopes" - Whose hopes? The resistance? I thought the EN were part of the resistance. - I like the line about currency and getting paid: smart and snappy. Very stylish. This extends into a point about voice. This is a very nice note of style/voice. I would say that is not always evident through the two-and-a-bit chapters that I've read to date, but as many 'teachers' say, voice can take an author years to develop. - "A is dead" - See, this brings me back to earlier concerns on the last submission, about the underpinning setup of EK's situation. I think it remains a pretty fundamental issue with the story. The Res are labouring under a serious misconception thinking that she was every only going to be a figurehead, and she makes no reference to that conception here, before she makes policy up on the spot, by herself. I think this remains the single biggest inconsistency in the story so far. - "The Res now serves as the A. I now serve as the A" - Yep, there we have it. These are totally and completely different things. I can't help feeling that the narrative is in some confusion over K's status and/or role. (page 3) - What is the pinnacle? I don't remember this from previous submission, but that may be WRS. - "by pretending to be just another tyrant" - I am thoroughly confused. I though the EN were on the side of the Rebels, but now she's about to pretend to be a tyrant to fool the EN? I don't understand. - "The weight of it all hit into her and she grimaced" - I try not to LBL, I really do, but it's hard when...argh. - "went into a short coma" - MEDIC!!! - "pushed GT onto the back of her hand" - Huh? Confused. What does that look like? (page 5) - I forget who Til is, but likely that's just WRS. - Surely, it's a bit odd that there would be multiple comms centres. Is a centre not about centralising control? - "She had revealed the Red to the entire galaxy" - Still don't buy this. There must be 10,000s of rebel fighter and none of them talk to anyone else? Nobody has noticed the large space battle going on? There isn't a single journalist anywhere on any world that isn't investigating such things? - "a sickeningly unnatural unevenness" - awkward phrasing. - "No ship can teleport within twenty astronomical units of the station" - Why? - I like the feeling of hustle and bustle you've described here. I'm getting nice atmosphere and setting notes coming through. - "pleads for mercy" - 'pleas for mercy'. - "breathed slowly out through her nostrils" - Why is Til all steamed up about an EN choosing a human gender, when Til is of that gender? Not sure she has the right to have such strength of feeling about that, or be offended by it. (page 6) - "had already proven herself in the past" - I do wonder how Ek has done that, given that she is non-violent. - "Master Tik" - In other application, 'master' is a male form of address, so this threw me. - "Your willingness to yield behooves you" - This does not make grammatical sense. Behooves her to...what? I don't think behooves is the right word here. - "I don’t think this is a decision that you should make alone" - And we come back to the core problem. This person (G) is her commander. A commander does not speak to a subordinate like that, he/she issues orders. These people are not behaving like that have any kind of military structure, or commander/authority structure at all. The description and labelling of the rebel hierarchy is inconsistent with how it behaves. - "at the Convergence" - I'm not at all sure we know what this is yet, do we? I kind of gloss over this comment, because I don't understand it. - "stewards of each planet would convene" - Is this now explained when the Con is first mentioned in the previous sub? It needs to be, IMO. - "And to give us hostages" - Eh?! What kind of freedom fighters are these?!! - Is that the end of the chapter? Doesn't read like a logic ending place. What then is the arc of this chapter? Or what is the end of the arc, rather? Overall This reads fine generally, flows pretty well, but there are underlying issues at the heart of the story that I think are perpetuating confusion, certainly for me. (A) EK's role as figurehead. The premise of her being chosen as a Tyrant, I don't understand why or how they thought it would work. If they have freed the galaxy from a tyrant, won't everyone be delighted? (B) A wider issue deriving from the same source: the political setup up is confused. If I don't understand who is on what side, and whose influence is where and who controls what, it's pretty much impossible (IMO) to follow the political machinations around this rebellion. The political setup is confusing, and I am forced to ask myself (based on what I've read) if the author knows enough about politics in the real world, and in history, to handle the complexities running through the story. Do you have an outline for the political setup, a map of the changes that it will go through, the political changes, etc., during the course of the story? If so, great, but I think it needs to be spelled out (better) in the first chapter who is on what side, who controls what, what success looks like for the rebels AFTER the coup, so that I understand they ways that people and groups react in any given situation. As we know from subs recently past, Snakenaps is considering her governmental set up, and I posted her the first link, which may prove of some use, if you haven't already listened to it. Also, 'bonus' cast on political intrigue!! https://writingexcuses.com/2019/06/09/14-23-governments-large-and-small/ https://writingexcuses.com/2019/06/16/14-24-political-intrigue/ On a similar topic, the organisation of the rebels in general continues to give me confusion and disengagement, as they do not behave 'correctly' for the way they are described with their military structure. There was plenty I liked about this. Lots of the little details, description and general narrative flows pretty well. I'm, fine with the pacing too, by and large, but it's the underling issues that prevent me really engaging with the story. Also, I'm not really sure what their goals are, individually or collectively. They seem a bit vague.

My LBL comments are still available if you want the file

Yeah, dark and accurate!! I like it. Aw, heck. See, this is what I was concerned about in invoking you for these medical aspects . We want your writerly insights too!

He did point one at someone in the last session...

@Mandamon, Bef is shopping for one of these in the next session of DVRPG. So that he can not fire it...obviously.

Excellent. I like that. Yes! I was trying to think of that one when I was writing this and it would not come to me. Thank you! Regular word-hound, I is Hmm, interesting. I feel like maybe we need to see the stowaway up front? Dunno. Something about this interaction made me think longer piece (and possibly I didn't read the intro properly ). I'm thinking this in terms of jump-starting the story and the stakes, upping the tension from the get-go.

Yeah, it's a tough one. I think you are probably fine, especially since he is a well-rounded character before this. But really...it's hard for me to say. Like I said, I guess it's just something to be aware of. Yeah, for better or worse (in terms of what it may or may not say about me), but ethnic diversity among the human contingent never occurred to me to be an issue, because there are so few humans in the story. Also, the story is set almost entirely in one city, and definitely entirely in one nation, albeit there is an influx of invaders from another nation. So, arguably, there is less expectation, I think, to encounter different human ethnicities, especially in view of the diversity of animal species around. The thing that we did debate in the early stages of submission of NotK--which some of you will not be aware of, I guess--was the distinction between the different 'developmental classes' of animals, i.e. mundane animals, intelligent animals and therios (did I get that right, @Snakenaps?). I think that is the area in the story that is potentially problematic in terms of any passive / unintended speciesism or discrimination on the basis of intelligence. And I recall that Snakenaps has enacted some changes to tackle some of the comments on that topic. Having said this, in later books, were there to be any wider travel beyond the border of Pe, there is likely to be some expectation of different ethnicities among humans in far flung geographical areas, in the same way that we might expect to see more diverse species of animals and therios (lions, tigers, penguins, etc.). I think it's fair to say that the story does a good job of establishing a setting through the selection of animals and therios that are present. Imagine the reaction, for example, if a crocodile were to appear in the next submission?

Hah, well, I go waaaay easier on myself editing than I do critiquing you lot [Edit: I don't, actually.]

This is not because I have a split personality and like to critique my own stuff

Yes, I agree but actually did not cut that to get to 998 words, although I didn't feel the smell bit added anything, and actually jiggered with the pacing. If you did cut the smell bit, you could perhaps introduce some surprise with the ending, which was not all that surprising, as @kais said, since I feel like 84% of alien encounter stories end up with someone sailing away with them. (I mean, even the Styx song ).

Hey, Valerie, really pleased to be reading your writing for the first time. Encountering a new voice is always exciting (page 1) - Excellent first line, really good. I've got a character, I know something about her, I know there's an ET, and there's something of a mystery, because they left something behind (What is it? Why did they leave it?). Oh, and they have left, for some reason, so there is another question. That is a really strong first line, IMO. - "Amid the red shoots" - GAH!!! War of the Worlds!! (I'm joking. Nothing wrong with having red shoots, of course. This was what popped into my head. - End of page one: Very easy to read. Smooth style. I get a good amount of character voice, which is nice, and plenty has happened already, so, for a short, I'm content with the pace so far. - One slightly odd note that made me pause: "slammed the receiver back on the hook". This seems to contradict M's cheery sign-off, at least I read it as cheery, which maybe was wrong. But, in the next couple of lines, M is all grins with her daughter. So, what was she angry about? (page 2) - I don't know what an extension office is.......oh, wait, I guess we'd call it a distract office, or an area office. So, it's the local department of the DoAg? - Hang on though, as we go into an montage scene where time goes by, it was said earlier that the alien had come 'again'. It was only mentioned once, and now I'm starting to feel like some knowledge the character--or indeed both characters--have is being withheld from me. This seems rather like cheating. I'll be a bit cross if some kind of surprise connected to the original appearance is sprung on me at the end. - "wondered if this night they would come" - Again, as in the third time? - "all the way back to their first visit" - Okay, it's out in the open now. So, is it only the once that they left a flower? I presume so, or she'd have spilled some detail about the first time. - "They came once the year she turned 60. Then they did not come again until she was 72" - I would have these as text. They stick out like a sore thumb as numerals, especially in a sort so short. And having them as 'sixty' and 'seventy-two' doesn't even add to word count - "looking at the blooms" - Oh, this was a bit anticlimactic. I was expecting the blooms to be a big reveal, Fair enough. We read one. - "as if...make way for them" - What an excellent line. As a gardener, I really appreciate this. Very evocative. (page 3) - Oh, wait, she's talking about the aliens? Ooh, there's nothing to show the reader that she's not referring to the flowers in the previous line. - "branch-like limbs" - need a hyphen here. - "just pay attention and treat things nicely, they become beautiful" - Hmm, so things can't be beautiful without human intervention? This line is somewhat unclear, I think, unless that is the meaning intended. (page 4) - "Humans noses strange to us" - is there a missing word here? The alien does not appear to have been using alien-speak to date. Overall (1) - Length: I thought the story felt natural at that length. Certainly, I wouldn't make it any longer. I think it's simplicity is part of its charm. Flash fiction is up to 1,000 words, right? So, the story is 1,205 (excluding the notes at the end). I think you could maybe get this down to 1,000 without breaking it. In fact, err I've taken the liberty of trying an edit and got down to 998 words. I love this sort of challenge. I appreciate this was not asked for, so I won't send it to you unless you want to see it. (And promise not to send a murder-bot in the post.) (2) - "Were you able to get that from the reading?" - Err, no. BUT, please take into account that I am not great at spotting allegory like that, in anything. A better test will be if the others get it. (3) - "Was it too in your face (I feel like I made it too in your face.)" - See Answer (2).

Hmm, I always get my own email back again

I don't know. That's not too many for me. Totally agree with you about the impact of this chapter, but, if it's THE crescendo, I wonder if it needs a little more of a cliffhanger sort of ending. What I'm thinking is something like they actually get closer to getting the BK, and it's Sue who gets close to killing him, and maybe he gets takes a lucky hit, and it lays him out, and Ir literally has to face down Sue. I think that is the kind of showdown that is missing. Yes, totally agree. If we got just a short POV from Sue every two or three chapters to show how the revs are progressing towards their aim, in combination with my suggestion above that they (S) gets close to actually getting him, that would be taking things right to the brink of the revs success, and then let Ir play a bigger part in the outcome.

Not weird at all. That's more interesting, IMO, than the 'Anglicised' form. If you call her (them?) LN to start with, and get that established, maybe then you could move to Ellen as a convenience, used by certain 'humans' from time to time.

I think we're talking about how she gets out of the jail in the palace, at least that's what I was referring to in terms of someone interceding.

Comments. Interested to read this, and see how things are developing (page 1) - "it is always a chilling experience" - How would S now? - Lots of different typefaces will put off an editor/reader. Shunn's MS format doesn't exactly cover these sorts of epigraphs and whatnot, but I would strong recommend keeping all the type sizes the same. Sure, use italics, but not different sizes of text, and don't mix fonts like serif and san-serif. Instant rejection from most markets, I expect. - I'm not going to LBL, but there are issue (in stark contrast to). That's the first and last...probably - The name Cha gives me a strong association with Charon, who rows should across the River Styx to the underworld. - "It appeared that he was getting closer" - Who was getting closer, the raider or Cha? - The word "charred" appears three times in the first six lines. That's too much. You're trying to convince editor/agent/publisher/reader that you are a skilled writer. Part of this is showing you know more than one word to indicate burning Also, charred chimes against the MC's name, so there are even more instances of that 'cha' sound in these opening lines. - A living sword that doesn't like senseless violence?! Well, that's unusual. - "was still in the area" - Why is it likely? - "I will have the boys" - <sigh> Okay, to me, this kind of sets the playingfield for gender roles in this story, and not in a good way. It presents a male-dominated world where An is a woman out of place. She becomes 'special' / remarkable because she is a woman in a man's world, in a world where women should not be soldiers, but should be at home, cooking and cleaning. Is that what you were going for? - "staying here a couple days" - Eh?! Why? I'm confused why the raider would stay in the area, which is not good raiding tactics, but even more confused why, suspecting they are close to their target, they stop hunting him and hunker down? This makes not sense to me. - "the others from the Fist..." - Not clear what the FoS is. Also, is 'Fist' in this military context not a straight life from Game of Thrones? Wheel of Time? I'm sure I've heard this term using in fantasy recently and often? - "An had been a pitiful wretch" - Ooh, I was really concerned that the male MC was going to have turned her life around, given her the chance to take control and strike back, because it takes a man to do that, enable le a woman to be strong. You're skirting dangerous ground here. I am on high alert. (page 2) - "so Cha had taken her on as a spymaster" - Oh, carp, you went there. He's the one in charge, of course, without him she would never have amounted to anything. The subtext here is problematic, IMO, outmoded at best. - "the small street" - Streets parent's small. What does that mean? Short? Narrow? Lined with houses two-feet tall? - "he noticed that the figure was carrying a sword" - This figure is terrible at hiding. I think it would be good to call that out, otherwise it feels really unlikely, and quite plot-ful that Cha can see them so easily. - "trying to push her advantage of surprise" - But she has no advantage of surprise; he saw her from miles away. (page 3) - "his voice menacing in the darkness" - This is not in his POV, surely. - "Her wrist snapped from the power" - Hmph. Phrasing like "the blow was far too strong", and the bit about her wrist snapping, I think again come from an unconscious bias that his opponent is weaker because she is a woman. - "A clue, perhaps?" - Do you think so? Feels to me like the sort of blindingly obvious line Inspector Lestrade might offer to Sherlock Holmes. - "gave her a bit of his spit" - Not good phrasing, IMO. it softens, weakens the gesture of him spitting on her dead corpse. If you want this to be gritty--which I think you mentioned--you've got to write it gritty. Like "Cha prodded the body with his foot then spat on the woman's face..." Something...well, gritty. - "He gave a curse under his breath" - I'm LBL-ing, but this goes to style, which goes to grittiness. This sort of phrasing, is very indirect, and therefore less engaging. In this sort of circumstance, why would you not just say 'He cursed under his breath'? Eliminate all unnecessary words (words that don't add anything), is (good) advice from Elements of Style, I think. - "black in the dying fire light" - one word, also, I thought he was standing beside a campfire. I guess it's the light form the burning building, but I was disoriented. - "tried to clean the blood from V's Blade" - Directness is really important, I think, in trying to achieve a gritty feel. Why does he only try, surely he succeeds in cleaning off the blood? It can't be that hard. - "Now where did An get to?" - because of my mindset, I hear a note of reproach for An in this statement, which is completely unfair. (page 4) - "made the fury burn stronger" - This feels like telling to me. There's a lot about him being angry, but he's angry at the assassin, angry at his horse for moving away, angry at An (for no good reason). Okay, these can be manifestations of a deeper rage, but I can't help feeling I'm being told about it, rather than shown it. - Seems to me the sword's name is feminine, but the narrative refers to it by neutral pronouns. Just strikes my ear slightly odd when it occurs. - "running over to him" - Would a man do this? Is this an indication that, secretly, she's madly in love with him? I hope not, because cliché, and gendered one at that. Characters do things differently for a reason, but in matters of gender (and others may or may not comment on this, and are far more well-versed than I at picking these things up) I think the thing is to consider whether a person of the opposite gender would do that, if not, why, or rather why does the narrative expect that person to behave like that. - "as she began to go at it with her needle and thread" - NOOOOOOO!! I don't need to evoke my medical adviser this time (I expect @Sarah B may have something to say, though). The wound has to be cleaned. What if there's dirt or other foreign matter in it, a bit of cloth, anything could cause an infection: go directly to the graveyard, do not pass go. These are the little details that we need to get right or readers will not trust the author to tell the rest of the story. - "sounded like the Cha" - No, wait, what? So, not only is the word charred used three times in the first six lines, and sounds like the MC's name, but it is also the name of the bandit troop? That's just too much, IMO. I'll be playing drinking game bingo by this evening. - "Send a couple scouts to check it out, have them follow until we can find their base of operations" - Okay, you talked about dialogue. I would say up to now it's been...unremarkable. Scans okay, sounds like something a real person would say. The trouble is, it's not entertaining, it's not interesting or surprising. I think the main problem is that the characters always say exactly what the reader would expect them to say. This, as you may know, is referred to be WE are low-hanging fruit. Simply defined, writer writes the first thing that comes into their head. 99 times from 100 this thing is also the least interesting thing in any given situation. The trick is to discard it, throw away that first line and come with another way to say the same thing. Use words you've never used before, use a weird metaphor, do something different, because doing the obvious thing every time is not going to fly. Example (because examples are fun ): [Following comments tagged L for language; T for grit.] (0) - "Send a couple scouts to check it out, have them follow until we can find their base of operations." (1) - "Get two lads on their trail. Let's see where they're skulking." (2) - "Put two trackers on them. I want to know where that bastard sleeps." (3) - "Have Aye and Bee follow that stinking fox to his lair. I wanna piss on him when's he's sleeping." I think the thing to target are word choice, and tone. The dialogue so far is quite neutral, and I think this actually maybe links back to my comment about being told Cha is angry instead of feeling it in his thoughts. - "Tell them to take a week's worth of supplies" - This is too much, IMO. He gives the orders and it's up to others for figure out how to do that. I'm bringing this back to the unconscious bias thing. Does he feel that he needs to tell An how to do this, because she's only a woman and he doesn't trust her to instruct the trackers properly? - "He’s so close that I can almost feel it. We’ll have him soon" - Bah, cliché. Do you read your dialogue out loud? That's a good way to develop an ear for these things, but again, refer to comments about LHF (low-hanging fruit). - "P is in AM still?" - Huh? Wow, just got whiplash from the change in direction of the conversation. Where did that some from? Nobody said anything about P or AM. (page 5) - "We should hear news soon" - How does he know this? Who are the FK? Goodies? Baddies? - "We need to get these to the next town" - He talks about them like they are cattle. That undermines any feeling I've got that he actually cares about these people. - "We’ll need more men if this comes to a fight" - Why? I've got no sense of how many men the raiders have, or how many Cha's men have. Who does Cha work for? Don't the ruling authorities have loads of resources? Without knowing what is going on in the world, I've got no reason to be invested in anyone's aims. Classic case of no investment in character or plot, I'm afraid. Sorry. (page 6) - "we were as quiet as a couple of owls in the night" - Yes, now this is much better. It's a little bit odd, but it provides an image with some interest to it. I can form a picture, imagine then sneaking / gliding around silently. Not sure why the guy smiles sarcastically though, that implies that the were not as quiet as owls. - "Not seen, but heard maybe" - This is not the point. The point is that the scout will be unaccounted for. if they were actually heard, I'd expect them to have been chased. - "We will have to double the watch" - Nope. I've got patience for this guy. I think I'd be happier if An was leading this group. There is a raiding force of 600 soldiers in their country? What use is setting up a few more guards about their camp? If the raider decides to attack them, a minutes' warning will be pretty much useless. Let's say he sends 100 men against Cha. (How many does Cha have?) He's not going to win that battle anyway. I think he needs advance scouts out in the countryside, far from their own camp, so that they can give a lot of advance warning. - "but hopefully we can prevent an open engagement" - The only way they can do that if R wants it is to run away, it seems to me. What is Cha trying to achieve? - "They came for me" - For me, this is the first particularly interesting thing that's happened. It's surprising, and I like that it brings An into focus. The thing to avoid now is having Cha save her. - "Take the rest of the night off" - Really? There is a raiding force of 600 men, they're outnumbered by, what 6-, 8-, 10-to-one, and he's giving them the night off? What are they going to do, go catch a movie? Sorry, I'm being facetious, but it's not even the dialogue here, but the thought behind it. I think the tactical and strategic threads, the decision-making of the characters in a military situation, could do with a review. This goes to the tone of the piece, and how much it feels like these characters are under pressure, scared/concerned/invested in their own situation. - "My entire team was killed besides myself and two others" - (1) 'team'--in this context--is modern-speak; (2) it is patently not the 'entire' team: three people survived. (page 7) - "We will deal with them together" - This makes no sense to me. She's admitted to rebelling again the ruling... whatever it is. He is defending the country from raiders. Surely they are enemies. Has she not just admitted to being an enemy of the state? - "these guys are not f-ing around" - This is modern-speak. - "but he knew he couldn’t say the words" - I don't understand. What do the words mean? Why can't he say them? Unclear. - "went back to his reports" - So uncaring, and dismissive of her. She pours him a drunk (a kind of subservient action) and he doesn't even acknowledge it, let alone say 'thank you'. - I really like that epigraph about the dagger. Having said that, at this point, I don't think that anything I'm going to say from this point on will be much different from what I've said already, or that other will pick. So, I'm going to post these comments, and hope that they are helpful. Overall Dialogue: Low-hanging fruit > cliché. I think I've covered it in my comment pretty thoroughly. It is an issue, you're right, and I hope the comments help. Bottom line, when you right a line of dialogue, replace it immediately with something else, saying the same thing in an interesting way. Plot: Kind of boring. I think it falls into the same category as the dialogue. It feels like the first plot that you thought of. Burning village, chasing the raiders. MC gets attacked and has a fight. Why do I care about any of that? Catching a bad man as main character motivation is not going to carry me through the book, maybe not even the first chapter, because nothing gets me invested in the characters. In summary, I think there are issue with the story. I don't think think the plot elements hold together under much scrutiny, and I'm not involved enough with the characters to be enthusiastically reading on. Sorry to be negative, and I wish you the best with it.

Comments. (page 1) - "her sister’s lack of loyalty" - it's more engaging to describe what does exist, rather than what does not. Something like 'sister's rebelliousness'. (page 2) - "Her burned hands tried to pull her out of the calm ocean" - Sounds weird. Her hands don't have autonomy of thought. They cannot take the initiative. (page 3) - "telekinesis unlocked the manacles" - Why does he need the guard or the keys to open the cell, when he doesn't need the keys to the manacles? - The very short Sue POV is...very short. (page 4) - "That meant the Revolutionaries..." - suggest keeping present tense (means), to be more immediate. (page 5) - Confusion of blocking, in my mind at least. The musicians are within the palace wall. This implies the Ir and the BK are not, since it's implied that, somehow, the musicians are safer than she and the king are. I'm happy enough that the BK would be in some armoury with his troops, preparing to defend the castle, but the revolutionaries would not know that, surely. They must be expecting the BK to be within the palace, and therefore their intention is indeed to breech the palace wall to get at the BK. I guess maybe Ir has not reached that conclusion....yet. - "they made an honest mistake" - Eh? This is delusional. Nobody involved in this story thinks the rebels have made an honest mistake. Ir's smart enough to know that. - "That was family for you." - I think there are too many one-line paragraphs here, and on first glance, maybe going forward as well. (page 7) - "The edges of her wall chipped away" - This sounds slow to me, gradual. Not the kind of effect from a bullet hitting the wall, which would be more violent/sudden. - "wearing black and grey" - Confused, I thought they were going to be blue. Who's wearing blue? (page 8) - BIG ISSUE - "Girl, what’s your name?" - No. You've lost me here. I don't believe that the defenders of the palace are going to gave a mundane rat's a55 about Ir's problems, or her name. At the very best they might try and get her to safety, but otherwise she is just under their feet. Certainly not something they would bother the BK with when he's in the middle of fighting in a battle, IMO. I like the Ir's ability comes into play here, but I'm not convinced by the way it's leveraged. (page 10) - "Protecting the he BK was a priority" - typo. - "The soldier was attacking plunged her spear" - typo. (page 11) - "herding, arresting, the surviving Rev" - one comma too many. - "her sandals soaking in the blood" - Opportunity for an even more dramatic line here if you say 'Tal's blood' instead of just 'the blood'. This is an incredibly powerful moment, and on its own justifies the all that time spent building the strong family dynamic. It's been clear before that both Sue and Ir were right, and they were both wrong too. There's nothing quite as compelling, I think, as showing the reader a conflict between positions that both have merit, and the fact it comes to a conclusion like this (an end, not the end), is really compelling. (page 12) - "Her sandals halted at Ta" - Oh, I thought Ir was standing next to Ta because of the description. - "as the blood spread around him" - I think this--to some degree--is a TV/movie fallacy, especially this long after he was speared. The whole blood spreading thing is vastly over-done, even if it is accurate. However, I will consult my go-to medical authority (What do you think, @Sarah B?) - "There were words that were should said" - typo. (page 13) - "She shushed him like she might have done to a crying Par" - grammar consistency. Trick is to (mentally) try the same verb (shushed) in place of 'done'. - "but Ir never saw" - Kind of a POV 'trick'. If she didn't see it, how did we? - "her fingers likely bruised" - I'm not aware that bruising would make a hand go numb, quite the opposite surely? Medic! (@Sarah B? Sorry, I keep calling on your expertise, like you don't have enough to do, I'm sure ). Now, I may have taken the wrong inference from the wording. I assumed that her hand had gone numb due to it being in the same position, and gripped by Ta for that length of time. If it was some kind go meds that numbed her hand, that would be different, but I didn't get that impression. - "a windy thing of copper and rope" - I always read windy for this, as in Windy City. 'wind-up thing', or 'twisty thing' leave no room for dubiety, I think. Overall Very powerful, emotional and well-handled chapter, IMO. Sure, there are some irksome details, but the emotional punch is quite something. I would say that your story has had a lot of heart from the beginning, but this is some real, heart-wrenching tragedy. A lot of stories have violence, battle, death, but where they fall down (IMO) is that they don't do enough to bring home in the cost of loss and death. I think the take-away for all of us who have issue in this department is that work is needed beforehand so that the violence and battle and death have real emotional and personal (to the character) weight. I suspect we can all think of examples of recent subs where death has been cheap, and therefore has lacked the weight that it deserves. I'm not saying that everyone should (or even can, in the context of their particular story) achieve the emotional weight that there is here, but it's a point we would all do well to mark, IMO. The chapter is also exciting, tense, fast-paced; everything that I want from a chapter this close to the end of the book. Given that there has been a fair bit of trimming preceding, chapter like this will have more promotional weight as a whole, and uplift the whole book, I reckon. Good job. Can you remind me, please, how many chapters are left? This chapter is pretty climactic, but I want (as a reader) to gauge how long I have to go. I feel that Draft 2 had 44 (or 45?) chapters, in which case, actually, I still have about 20-25% to go, which seems like quite a lot considering the rebels have been defeated (it seems).

'Once', you say. I am unfamiliar with the concept of this 'once' that you speak of...

In case anyone thought that @Mandamon's D-verse was a non-contact sport, I can assure you it's not. Just have some friends around you when you go in, to cover you if you roll snake eyes (again)

Yes! I also like this. I imagine it could throw Ir and the BK closer together, if maybe he has to intercede to get her released. Our, maybe Wrm plays a roll in getting her out of the cell, There are numerous possibilities, all or any of which seem to offer the potential for intrigue, and shifting character dynamics.

Same. Too much to hold in the head at one time, as Writing Excuses might say.