Robinski

No worries, I'm still toiling over the last section, which is often a bit of a struggle for me. And I keep having all these ideas for my SF series that I want to go back to, but I need to finish this novella first, then edit it while it's still fresh. Oh well, Nano is coming...

Excellent!

Definitely! It does make it difficult to track going forward when you only mention one trait. I think that's the correct approach, but by listing them out by name you sort of invite the reader to remember them, and tend to imply that they'll have roles, and then they don't. I would suggest trying a pass at the scene where you cut down the number that you name, and try and mention as few of them as possible, while still making it clear that there are eight (?) beings in the room. That way, we can focus on the speaking characters. I appreciate that there are a handful who speak, but I think the scene could be tighter if it was more focused. Ah-ha; #searchandreplace You're right, of course. I'm always hard on that stuff, because I'm the opposite, I can't leave or submit something if I haven't poured over it and eliminated all the little coloured squiggles that W*rd kindly scatters through my document like Webster's freakin' Easter Bunny. This stuff does slow me down and tug me out of the story, but I must do better at remembering this is draft land. That's fair comment; say no more. As far as Ky goes, I would have no problem with him being a 'being out of time' as it were, if you hung a lantern on it by say having a thought from She to the effect of 'He wished the god of mischief would speak properly and not constantly resort to crude human idioms as he always seemed to find it necessary to do.' But, having said that, this only works if those idioms fit with your setting on Earth. I didn't quite feel the desperation from She's thought process, hence the whiplash, I suppose. I sort of got that, but why choose a word that is the same as a very common word in English? That's going to throw a lot of readers (like me!) every time it comes up. It's like calling the essence of your universe 'and'. It seems to me to have huge potential for confusion every time it comes up. Fair enough, but I'm too busy 'raging' about the grammatical anomaly to keep reading Maybe I could buy it once the whole piece was polished and refined. Right, but it's not laid out what that core group is and that it only has 7 members by edict, or whatever. It's not defined, which is why I couldn't see specifically how he wasn't one of them.

Wow, seems like an absolute age since I had any critiquing to do. Excuse me if I'm a bit rusty. I'm not 100% clear in the first paragraph whether these characters are the ones under siege, or doing the besieging. I think the word 'overrun' is probably the only hint that they are the ones under siege. You say that that 'Mal' (typo in the first paragraph), will overrun them, but then say the Mal haven't shown themselves, so I'm confused who or what actually makes up the hordes. Also, is Val the god of two different things, Boldness and Heroism? Not really clear on that. We're three paragraphs in before I knew that there are any other parties there. Also, I know I'm going to forget their names. It sounds like the actual landmass appears: what actually appears is some kind of representation of the landmass, I presume? I don't really see how this other option works if the gods are besieged. I guess maybe I'm going to find out. Also, these other gods, with the possible exception of Val, seem like 'straw men', rather one dimensionally shallow, incapable of discussing or debating the issues at hand, but just rolling over to whatever is put to them. They seem very passive for gods. The punctuation is off the mark in several places, mostly around the dialogue, I think. [e.g. “You are all too afraid to see.” The goddess said as she left the council room.] > [...afraid to see," the goddess said...] The phrase 'top priority' is very modern and threw me out of the pseudo-ancient tone of the setting/set up. Some of the phrasing is rather repetitive. The have been one or two examples of word repetition (in close proximity) which I always find jarring. This latest example made me wish to comment however, because it's very blatant. 'She' waves his hand to dismiss the image, then 'Ky' waves his hand dismissively. Sounds very awkward to me, stylistically. There's pretty comprehensive lack of consistency in capitalising god/God of whatever/Whatever. Quite distracting. 'the Big Guy' feels like another anachronistic modern phrase. It leads to me struggling rather with the tone. [“And I am sure you will give this to us out of the kindness in your heart.” He said with no little sarcasm.] - Seems to me the tag here is redundant: you've already shown in the dialogue, no need to tell again in the tag. Ooh, I have whiplash from how quickly 'She' accepts the dubious gift. His initial doubt and suspicion are good, but he just folds instantly when 'Ky' promises not to double-cross him. That seems unconvincing to me. I mean, he's called the GoM, for goodness sake. Would you take Loki's word for anything? What? I'm confused. 'The Was'? I had to read that three times and I still don't get it. I'm willing to bet that every single reader who reads this will get stuck on that. Even disregarding the name, the grammar is awkward there; the bit about the box disappearing, but the stuff is still there (I think). Confused about what 'Fall' is saying. So, does this mean she set the whole exchange up? 'Crunch' doesn't work. It sounds--suddenly and out of nowhere--like a transcript of a comic book. For one thing, if you're going to use it, I think you need to put it in brackets of some kind, but really it feels all wrong to me, completely out of place. Why is 'Ky' not one of them? He's a god. I don't really follow the logic here. Grammar in the penultimate paragraph needs work. Summary The set up of the characters is a bit predictable; the irreverent black sheep; the affronted establishment; the disappointed conscience of the group. Their situation too, I think could be presented more colourfully and engagingly. I don't have the answer to that, but just felt it was rather dry and conventional, and I didn't really feel any peril, or much sense of the stakes. I wanted a much greater sense of desperation / end of the world, but I'm really not getting that. We're told it's the end of the world, but I don't feel it, and that leads to me not really caring what the outcome is. I really only got more engaged when 'Ky' appeared and the exchange with 'She' kicked off. For me, that's where the conflict starts and things become a bit more intriguing, but still it's another story where the fate of humankind is at stake. The end of everything is a lot less personal than a lot of other smaller stakes, so I think this type of story needs to work a lot harder to personalise the stakes to remain engaging. In summary, I'm on the fence, but not especially hooked so far by the idea, or the characters apart from 'Ky', who at least has some sass about him. <R>

Just your regular few days then... Please don't give it another thought. Takes me ages to assimilate comments at the moment anyway. No problem; always grateful for the comments. Excellent point, touched on by others, but I like how you've packaged it here. Many more passes to come, no doubt, but this is a sound basis to tackle it again, thanks. I think maybe the tracked changes didn't show right on your device? There's an edit here. I'll switch them off next time, but yes, there was something not right there, thanks. I agree. Edited, thanks. No, the narrative specifies 'dead horse'. The line with D saying 'cover its eyes' is for the other horse still living. It's supposed to show she is not an irredeemable monster, just a pragmatist. And I appreciate your fortitude in getting through that. The 'A' warning was primarily for you! This is good. I've clarified (I think) the bluecoats' position in this. I think there are still points of confusion, but hopefully I don't need to rip the thing apart, but can fix it 'in situ'. I know there is very reasonable confusion among other readers, so I will roll my sleeves up. Check. I will work on this in the edit. Thank you. Great comments, thank you so much for reading <R>

Fantastic, many thanks @Jorville, that is excellent Fair enough. I suspect it's the fact that the author's isn't sure where the plot is going yet I was thinking in terms of horizontal and vertical movement being independent, but I can accept that the word 'arc', although maybe technically correct (there are all sorts of arc, after all), probably is not helpful. I will change it! This is a good point, coming at something other have mentioned but from a different angle, I think. The whole magic system needs work, so I'm hoping that will take care of a lot of the issues like this. Yeah, good spot; already been cut actually, replaced with 'violence', but I'm not sure that doesn't suffer from similar issues. Changed, thanks. Fair point, I need to go over the whole thing for consistency, once I have troubleshot and retooled the magic system. Some good stuff there. Many thanks. So valuable to have another perspective

Hi Kais, thank you for reading, much appreciated. Yes! I completely agree with this Yes, still a work in progress, that. cool. I've edited since, but changes are tracked, so if I broke it, I can fix it. I cut the most boring one. Yup, right, I'll get on that. LOL - wrong series, unfortunately. Q would have been all over that staff (joke)... PUN!! Added a strategically placed tag. I don't think that track changes help! Will underline that in the edit. Thanks so much to reading. Great comments here

And we're back... thank you again ID for the excellent and testing comments. Yes. I was starting to feel this myself, so you confirmation is most helpful. Tagged for revision. Guilty: I've 'discoveried' myself into that particular corner. I don't need her to be important to the king, and the people from her country want to execute her, really, it should only be Lord P who wants her (and Lady P, by extension), and I suppose J. I've got a lot of sorting out to do, to be sure. I'm learning Yeah, maybe. I could have them be conventionally armed, perhaps. I'll think on that. Again, I don't have a great issue with 'clawing that back', in the sense that D can know he's up to no good without knowing the full extent of the problem. Yeah, me neither. I still haven't decided what horse does yet, or if I can make it sufficiently significant to deserve the title. Much appreciated

Thanks so much, @shatteredsmooth and @Jorville for your comments. Very much appreciated. I'm on holiday at the moment and therefore very slow in getting back on this, or writing the next bit, because it's not the kind of holiday!! So, I will come back to you, but please do not worry about 'lateness'. Not an issue at all

It's not you, it's me. I'm up to my usual tricks of not flagging and tagging stuff well, or not giving the m/c sufficient internal dialogue/deduction to present what is happening. Thank you for reading, and I will get back to those detailed points as soon as I can. Things will get more writing-centric for me when we get to Paris and it's more relaxing than hauling around Berlin on the tourist trailer. Thanks again, Kais, much appreciated <R>

Thank you so much for reading. These certainly are the sorts of comments that I would have expected, and accept them all! I will come back to the detailed points, which are very much appreciated, once I get the chance. On holiday at the moment and not getting much time for writing. Thank you again, ID!

Many, many thanks for your comments, @Mandamon. Don't know how you manage it so promptly every week, but I'm very grateful To business... Yes, this is just insufficiently foreshadowed because I only knew I needed things to get worse at that point, and that was the solution. These are Lord P's current crop of trainees/fodder. There is the kernel of the idea early on in that, in the journal, the names that are not scored out are still alive, and there is half a page or so of such names. I need to call out better at the time and have J noticing and wondering if these are still alive and where they might be. I've gone back and added a couple of lines, but this is very much my m/o to make stuff up on the hoof and have to do another pass. This will lead to reader disorientation! Apologies for that. Agreed, and that needs to be trailed much earlier, of course. I will mull upon and do that, but I suspect it will only come out of me finishing the next section. True, and I think that points to it not being hugely powerful, but J being able to use it in a very specific way to affect P's end, but not necessarily spectacular in a magical sense. That does not mean that the end can't be spectacular, of course, or certainly dramatic Yes, that's part of the heavy-lifting in the first edit. This first pass has taught me a good deal about the system and what doesn't work so well, I think. Edited. Clarified, I think. Thank you! Actually, didn't delete enough I'm thinking of small precious metal ingots, not the big 'Goldfinger'-style modern ingots. I presume smaller is more likely at this tech level of society. Images follow... In the way of small, valuable, but portable ways to store wealth, perhaps off the 'official' radar. Thank you again. Great comments, very much appreciated

Finally getting this out after a difficult week, writing-wise. The first 2/3rds got a bit of an edit, but the last bit is fresh onto the page, so perhaps rougher! Anyway, by way of update, the burglary has somewhat gone south with Ch becoming Lord P's quarry. He sends J to find her, but J rebels against the instruction and sets fire to the manor as a distraction to his pursuers. He finds Ch and they argue (somewhat, updated since previous submission!). By that time the building is engulfed in fire, and getting out is the main order of business. J and Ch exit, but Lord P's retainers are waiting for them. At the end of the last submission, J is climbing down a drainpipe when Ch leaps from an upper floor window. L is for a swear here and there; V for some sword swinging and physical blows; G is for burning and wounding of people, but also for an animal issue, which is why there is an 'A' also. To animal lovers (looking at you in particular, SC), I apologise. Nature is a mother. I blame Richard Adams and the rough awakening I got when I read Watership Down at a young age. All the usual stuff. Any comments hugely appreciated. Best, Robinski p.s. I reckon this is the penultimate submission, for what that's worth.

I abjectly failed to submit last week. My bad. I would like to submit the next part of my current story. It should be ready today, so maybe tomorrow?

I like this: classic, as you say, @Quantus. I would also ask how deadly you want the test to be? Is it a survival test? Further, I would supplement the core idea, adding personal elements to make your test stand out from similar survival tests in other stories. I think this would also help make the test seem more impossible, and therefore an even better challenge. Send the participants out completely naked and unequipped. Then, you could have the winner by the one who not only gets back alive, but carries the largest amount of sand back with them. This allows you to single out one person as an overall winner, and to be honest, I've no idea how they would do that other than carrying it in their hands (badly)... ...except actually, I do have several ideas

Yeah, that's what I thought. I set out with the intention to trying to write a different voice, especially since I'm writing in first person (most unusually for me). However, it ain't worked, and I've lapsed back into my default tense, pompous pejorative.

I would like to submit this week, but it won't be today, I'm afraid.

Hey, thanks for reading, Kais. Cool. I the pacing is modified a bit not, hopefully better. Name in the book, essentially means an apprentice of Lord P, those names scored out since consumed. Also agree. Their sudden lack of agency and doing anything was weird. I've tried to hang a lantern on this, and have removed J's back and forth for the bones and pages. Noted Well, it's good there is a line that does that! I must admit, I started out trying to avoid 'long words' and tried to make him seem more grounded and less 'intellectual' in his word choice. The trouble is, that sort of puts a damper on my ability to be more expressive with the language. Question: would it be a disconnect to keep J's dialogue 'common', but use more erudite language for his internal dialogue? I've added something... ...but it's more 'head business' I'll need to try and streamline that in the edit. Great comments. Thank you so much!

Awesome, above and beyond! I really appreciate that, thank you. I've had a pass at these things already, and yes, I accept these various points. Yeah, this is one of my weaknesses: plot divergence by discovery writing, ending up somewhere that doesn't hang together because it's not been thought through sufficiently..., yet! I need a better hook for why it has to be Ch. Somewhat more explanation for this, but it won't really hang together until that thread is rewritten in the edit. That's awesome. Poor enunciation has given us some classic fake lyrics over the years. I feel like it's still in flux, there are such good alternatives. Definitely: already too bloated with it to truly see anyone who was unlike him. Agree, needs works. Patched up for now, but I'm eager to get finished Draft 1 and into the edit. ( except I'm also eager to get back to Q & M...) I'm hoping that aspect will improve by my intended strengthening of the family aspect of the early plot. Hmm, yes. I seem to continually shy away from 'simple', which I mean in the sense of clear, concise and direct. Excellent comments, ID, thank you so much. Lots to think about (as usual!!!)

Many thanks for reading, Man. Yeah, first draft. Yeah, I'll need to tidy this up. I've cut the double-take. Clarified a bit. They're expecting J to lead them to Ch. Okay, I've worked on that, and added a little more dialogue. Clarified. I was hoping it was implicit that J was being left to the task that Per had appointed him to. Perhaps not! I've tried to imply that more heavily. I've sought to clarify the notion that Per doubts they can do it unaided (by J) - due to the evidence of the ship. Agree. Done! I've change it to 'darned' (but not that, the other 'd' word). He's cursing having to lug the mandolin case around and wishing he played a smaller instrument. Good point. I'll see what I can do about that... I think it's better now with some tweaks. I've sought to do more of this. This is perhaps the biggest take-away for me. There isn't enough change in J's attitude, and behaviour under the influence of 'm'. Spot on. I think so too. #edit Great comments. Thanks so much. Definitely better now with more to come!

Yes. I was developing a thought in an email I was sending around my staff (with a Dilbert cartoon attached, obviously) about how progress is only moving forward, not--in itself--getting better. However, writing kind of disproves the point I was going to make (I modified the email and made a joke about Cyberdyne Systems instead!!), because I feel that in writing, you need to progress to get better, but that it's not necessarily the progress that makes the writing better. In writing, progress is like a bridge that gets you to the other side of the river of **** that you need to cross to the promised land on the other side... except on the other side, there is only another bridge

OMG!! It had to happen one day: I disagree with @Mandamon!!

Hey, glad to reading this, and that you decided not to shelf it. I'm sending you some LBLs just because... highlights below. It's a hodgepodge I'm afraid, there are unique comments here and in the LBLs. Chapter 2 Agreed. "Her grip on the cart" - This is the first mention of a cart. I thought she was carrying a tray, what with the reference to spilling stuff. "faded like coastal sunsets" - This is a super neat detail, and makes me think she's pretty, probably just from the use of the word 'sunset'. Clever. I like how the description continues too. "heart attack" - Couldn't it be any kind of medical emergency? Or are there different alarms for stroke, etc? "the energy that surrounded and connected all living beings" - I'm lacking a sense of 'wow' at this point. I more wonder. It struck me that 'surrounded' is quite a plain word, whereas 'enveloped' (for example) is maybe a bit more wondrous. "only about 3%" - For me, this is ugly. I don't like the numeral for one thing, and the phrasing is vague and unwonderous. "sanctuary for retired pirates built inside a space monster" - It is a very cool setting; wacky and weird, and yet needs no justification at all, and--quiet rightly--you don't offer any. Nicely done. "intricate web around her" - I like the wording here better than the first mention of 'Oo', but I want more. 'intricate web' is sort of left hanging. I feel like that phrase is used a lot, but I want to see it, I want to feel it. "strummed the energy like a guitar, making it vibrate" - Hmm. I think this is problematic. I'm no scientist, but I'll have a go. Subatomic particles are already vibrating, atoms also have energy and I think also vibrate/move due to the energy that they have. E.g. difference between solids, liquids and gases. So, I think maybe you need different terminology here. I like what you're doing, but maybe F is change some frequency or something. Also, guitar strings are strummed, I would say (as a guitarist). "secretly delivering medications" - Huh? Confused. Why would it be in secret? Summary, I enjoyed this chapter. F is a good character, and will make a good addition to the team. She has clear goals, and a fairly distinctive if straight-laced character (it seems), but that can be good of course as a counterpoint to other more volatile characters. Chapter 3 Boy, you've got a real issue with apostrophes!! Just saying... "was kind enough and stocked his cruiser with ample confections, but he just focused on food and the job" - If L craves action, why would he value these qualities? This seems like odd behaviour for an SE officer. "bright blue beverage" - I've cracked it!! All these bright colours and larger-than-life weird things: I'm in a Luc Besson story!! I think some of the military stuff is a bit inconsistent, such as the level of formality and also the ranks. 'Officer' is not a rank, compared to Commander and Lieutenant, or example. Also, the lieutenant is not the commander's 'partner' but his subordinate, maybe his adjutant. "L grabbed mag cuffs and trackers out of the supply consul and ran after them. “Halt. You’re under arrest.”" - This happens too quickly, it's disconnected from the setting. We need to 'see' L get out of the car, run towards the woods. We need blocking, I feel; sensation, sense of movement and space. "let two teens get away" "made a tactical decision" - No, he didn't do either of these things, he was ordered not to pursue them. Why is G giving the orders now? Where is the commander? These feels odd to me. Surely G would be left with M? Summary: I like L as a character too. He's in a completely different situation (a command structure) and that's an excellent counterpoint to the other POVs. Also, he is railing against authority, constrained by it, which is another nice counterpoint. I think these additional POVs are an enjoyable and effective addition to the story and will actually add to the pacing as you cut between them, and show them converging (presumably). Most definitely the additional of L's POV will make the pursuit feel real, something that was absent in the first version. Well done!!

Hey all, Okay, here is what is either the penultimate or third-last part. I'm rapidly storing up some major issues to tackle in the edit. These will not all be perfectly dealt with and solutions assimilated into this latest part, so please bear with me as a I start to pre-think about how to tackle them. You might notice some groundwork here, but I know I still have much to do in this and preceding submissions. Since there's been a week in between, a short recap. J and Ch are in Lord P's mansion carrying out the robbery. Pen and Kris are lurking around, and Gar has been sighted by J, who wonders what is going on there, and if they have been betrayed. Lord P has caught J and revealed the book to him, and that all the names are victims who he extracted power from by eating their marrow. Lord P believes he is fighting for good against a week king, to make Wen great again (ahem). He has tried to turn J against Ch, and attempted to demonise her and her people. J is conflicted since his bust up with Ch (which I need to develop better in previous parts). At the end of the last sub, Lord P sends J off to find and subdue Ch. Oh, and I've changed Pen-ack's name to Per-ack, as it was even closer to Pen-nice before. Don't know if that's better or not, or if it was an issue before. Best, Robinski

Hey @kais, great to have your comments. Nope. Probably two parts after this one. I'm running out of words at novella length!! Most likely it will get a bit shorter though. No. Did I say it was somewhere? My mistake if I did! Check. I will be onto that. Top of the list. Hmm, CW is good, but I do like the word 'butcher'. Maybe I'll go for Demon-Butcher-Witch-of-the-Corpse-Ship-from-the-Warm-Lands-Beatch! Too much? Lol, the debate rages on There are two other non-white characters in the governess and the major domo, but I appreciate they are not major characters. They do have speaking parts though. Will try and work more in? I love both of these ideas Cool beans. I'll try and do that, word count permitting. Check. I need to increase the little description I have on the male characters atm. Absolutely no apology necessary. Q could hold the jackets and look on wistfully. Oh wait, we've been here before... Yikes. No pressure then. I get it, I do. I intended it as the rather closed(-minded) society of Wen doing what it does, but I guess that's a lot of heavy lifting for my narrative to reset the balance on. Probably too much given my (lack of) qualifications in this area. Yeah, the whole relationship thing is not well played. It's going to get a complete retread in the Edit #1. Right. I'll try and address that with the narrative, if I can't I will rethink. Yup, yup, yup. Nope. Thank you so much for you comments, Kais. Really appreciate. Boy, I'm going to have to roll my sleeves up soon.