Robinski

I don't know. Depends what you want to do with it really. If you spin it out into a novella (say) or even a short story, where everyone has names and emotions and background, it becomes a completely different thing. I feel like you could keep it as flash fiction and use the other 300 words to clean up and emphasise plot aspects and twists, while leaving the characters fairly blank. There's a school of thought that blank character allows the reader to superimpose their own ideas. On the ending, you could just as easily have the killer answer the question 'Why?' and leave the reader more satisfied with a really zinger of a line if you can find the right one. I'm not saying that would be easy, but it could neatly cap off the story. Like, 'Because he killed her.' 'Because he heard the voices too.' 'Out of love.' Still an enigmatic ending, but something that gives the reader an answer. Although they still need to ponder it, and won't really understand it, I feel like it's more satisfying than a hanging question like that. Just an opinion, apologies for editorialising.

Yeah, this is where I don't feel as qualified to comment as others, as I've read almost no flash fiction. I will add that, like you, I had no great problem with the M/C's movements, it was the NPCs movements that gave me some issues. They were not always where I thought they were.

Yeah, I strongly suspect that this is the guy they are looking for, because the wife said he was sick, and you mentioned the owner had ALS, but it might be a bit too subtle? I'm saying come out a have A make the direction connection, but maybe something to let the reader know this is connected to the main plot.

I certainly never do when I do it...

Really? I need to get my eyesight tested. I completely forgot about the voices after the first mention of them. Might be good to have them recurring when she shows some doubt (if that was what the tear implied). Did I say that? I should have. It is a good first line. Also, I did like the twist about it being her father, which is a powerful line. Disregard my gripe about that when reading. I stick by my comment about 'a king' versus 'the king' though.

Hi again, @Atium, great to be reading some of your stuff. I do believe this would qualify as Flash Fiction. Also, I see there is a category called Sudden Fiction (quoted word count 750), but can I be the first to say that having a category at 750 words limit, and another at 1,000 is just plain silly? This is pretty comfortably the most niche request for advice that I can remember! I'll do my best. In relation to the commas, while there are rules, it can be a very personal thing. Overuse will slow the reader down (due to all those pauses), so some people take the approach that the reader can apply different values to the space been some words without needing a comma to tell them when to do that every time. I tend to sprinkle them around too much probably, but I'll be fasciated to see how the debate goes here on this subject! Page 1 - Are there are lot of kings? It's a good first long: strong sense of purpose and immediate tension and conflict, but it does leave me with that slight doubt. If the line was 'kill the king', I think I would have a much clearer sense of threat/danger/conflict and also plot. - "The weapon pressed, cold, into her hand as she walked" - For me, no commas here. I think the sentence works best without them. - "...first room of three, she would have to check each one." - For me, this is two separate sentences. While one follows from the other, there is no grammatical link between them, imo. - "she noticed 2 guards" - Ooh, no numerals like this in prose. Should be 'two'. I would always spell out numbers, certainly small numbers. If you are writing SF, I think it's okay to use numerals for big numbers, maybe years. Think of it this way. Can you imagine Tolkien writing '3 Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 7 for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 9 for Mortal Men doomed to die, (etc.)'? - "She fired..."- This took my off guard, because I assumed the weapon was a knife or possibly a sword. In this paragraph, you've got a couple of commas that I think are just fine, clearly posting a longer pause between parts of the sentences. - "A man ran up, a spear in hand." - I reckon there's a clear pause here, although at first I thought it was a missing word (ran up with a spear in hand). Also, I'm really confused now. The guards have spears, but the assassins has a gun? (I see later that it is a crossbow. In my head, crossbows are most often wooden-handled, but I don't know enough about them. Then again, I take this to be a pistol crossbow (one hand weapon) and not a full-sized crossbow. There's another difficulty for me, mentioned later.) - "She drank the liquid and her magic filled her." - I'm fine with the fact that there's been no sign before that the had magic. I'm also okay that there is no explanation of the magic, because everything is so stripped down to a very basic level, and the story is so short, that I don't think it matters. I can accept it and keep going. - “How did you enter?” He asked" - Should be 'he asked" because the tag is part of the same sentence, but you still have the question mark. Might seem contradictory, but look at any book off your shelf and I think this is the form you will find in these situations. - "they fell to the ground"- I think this is a new sentence, unless you want to get into using colons. Also, I personally would put a comma between 'backwards' and 'slamming'. To me, there is a longer pause there. - "If they were unconscious or dead..." - This sentence doesn't make sense for me. Something is off. - "She turned and the people and the guards stood there, stunned." - My issue here is that I don't know anything about the surroundings. I sounds like the room is full of people, but I don't know that because there is no description when she first see it. - "The two guards attacked, (a) crossbow bolt plunged into her shoulder." - Word missing, I believe, Also, what two guards? This is another case where lack of description leaves me unable to picture or understand what it going on. - "The weapon fired before she thought to think about what she was doing. Both of them died instantly." - Couple of issues for me here. (1) 'thought to think' is really awkward. 'she thought about' would be fine, or 'before she could think about', but doubling up on 'thought/think' is just kind of weird. (2) Another issue for me is the weapon. Crossbows need to be reloaded manually if they are true example, and that takes some time and effort, I believe. If it is some kind of magical repeating crossbow I need to know that upfront to believe that she can fire all these shots without reloading. (3) What does the magic do? It's not doing anything that I can see. - "Everyone in the room ran" - I assume you mean ran away from her, but you don't actually say that. They could be running tornados her. Still, I think you just about get away with that one. - "Another man stood, shaking slightly." - But everybody ran except the king, so who is this guy? I guess he also did not run, so there's a continuity issue there. - I like the touch of her tear falling, that adds one of the first touches of character that I can think of, other than the king's lack of emotion, which is another touch. Page 2 - When you mention 'from before' and 'recent disasters', I get a twitch, because I want to know what these things are, but I guess not going to be told. That feels a tiny bit like cheating to me, but I have to remind myself I'm reading flash fiction, which I hardly ever do, so I think I have to accept some details without explanation. I presume that I don't need to know the details of these things. -"the horrible bang filled the room" - Ah, right, I've made another wrong assumption. She does have some kind gun, I guess? Im back to my earlier point then about there being no explanation for the difference in technology levels. - "it tore threw him" - 'through him' - "and on the man, her father" - Ah, this feels like cheating, because you've withheld a key piece of information from me for more than half the story. I feel a bit put out over that. - "a person ran to the dead man's side, his son." - Okay, the dead man is not the king, so the person is not her brother, right? I'm wondering here he came from when everyone ran away. Then I tell myself it's okay, it's a style thing and this is flash fiction. - I don't understand who says the line about her failing, and when she shoots, does she shoot the son? She doesn't shoot the king at that point, right? - So,when she throws the weapon it is because she did shoot the king? That's very confusing. I think you need to clarify with tags and specify clearly who is doing what. She is the only female character, so you can get away with that, but there are too many male characters not to identify them in greater detail. - Where does the photo come from? Who is speaking, asking about the photo? The detail about photography seems rather off-hand and out of the blue, in order to make this point of the story work. Felt awkward to me. Also, if they've got photography and guns, why on earth are the guards using spears? - "rang threw the air" - 'through the air' - "missing her by a few centimeters" - There's no way she can know how far the shot missed her by, so this thought is not (can't be) in her point of view, whereas the rest of the story is. - Wait, now that guards have guns? Why didn't they shoot her? Summary - I thought your comma use was pretty darn good. I can only think of a couple of instances that I would have changed. - I think there are several inconsistencies in the story that make it hard to believe what happened. The guards have spears, but some have guns? What purpose does the magic serve at all? I didn't see it being used once. Also, the behaviour of the people. It's hard to believe that none of the guards was able to get the drop on her, when their job was to guard the king. - There are new details dropped in at the end of the story that feel a bit like cheating. The photography thing bothered me. - You asked about character. Well, in truth, there is just about no character all in anyone. The assassins shows something in her tear, but we don't know what, so it doesn't really matter, or have much impact. - The ending: a well, that is really quite unsatisfying, because there will never be an answer. You could say that Chris Nolan's amazing film Inception also has a non-ending sort of ending, but that comes after we've invested in those characters and that magnificent labyrinthine plot for two hours. Because of the lack character in your piece, I find that I don't really care that I don't know why, because I spent so little time and got to know nothing about the characters that it doesn't matter to me. - I like your spare, economical style, but there is really so little to go on in terms of emotion, or plot or character that it's difficult to feel very much about the piece other than as a test of style and technique; a training exercise, if you like. For that, it was okay. This is not meant to be a negative critique. I think there is clear ability shown in the piece. I would like to read something longer of yours, something with more substance, because it's very difficult to judge on this piece other than the fact you have a lot of decent mechanics of writing, but there are also some big things missing from this piece. I hope that is helpful in some way. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I hope you submit something else, maybe something longer and more substantial. <R> p.s. What was the whole thing about TK? I didn't get that at all

As Assistant Lieutenant Sub-moderator (Part-time) Third Class, I feel I should point out, @shatteredsmooth, that there are three instances of 'O's name appearing in full in your comments. I'm sure the forum won't self destruct, but you might care to abbreviate them?

As usual, I could have saved myself a lot of typing and just said "I agree with everything @Mandamon says."

Whee! And here we are at next week. Chapter 2 - (pg.1) Good opening to the chapter, nice bit of conflict. POV throws me a bit. In the last chapter, we saw O having an attack from 'the outside' but, in the instance, was xie crossing over to see M, sort of flashing in and out, or was that something different? I ask because here of course we see what O sees. - (pg.2) The vomiting really drives home, and ties down in reality, the physical impact of the dreams. Nice job with that. - (pg.2) "fruit vendor whose booth space O shared" - Bit confused. There was a pig seller next door last chapter, but I don't remember anything about the stall being shared. - (pg.3) "slight of hand " - It's 'sleight'. - (pg.3) "some of the stuff he had me fetch him… " - Kind of awkward, and redundant, I thought. - (pg.3) "but we make ends meet" - Who's 'we'? Also, why is O protesting so much about the prospect of getting rid of the intrusive visions and the vomiting? I'd have thought xie would be grabbing the chance with both hands, or at least be more accepting of it and positive towards it. - (pg.3) "the opposite end of the round table" - The...? Which side of the round table is she on, or maybe she's at a corner - (pg.3) "You and I have worked for rich people long enough already" - I don't mind 'lazy' grammar in dialogue, in fact I thinks it's pretty much necessary to make it sound authentic, but this goes too far for me, because it changes the tense, or leaves it between two tenses. - (pg.3) "You didn’t have to." - Lol, great quipping. I have a question though. I commented last time about how these two had a good, pretty clearly platonic (I thought) friendship going. In this chapter, there's a lot of talk about we that leaves me feeling they are partners, in some sense at least. I did not get that before. - (pg.4) Again, there is just tonnes of we, we, we. I didn't think B would be going with xir. Is he? On what basis? - (pg.4) "A glass fell from her hands" - There is only one glass in her hand. I think it would sound better (less vague and noncommittal) as 'The glass fell...' - (pg.4) "barrelled down the road" - I don't buy this. Compared to horses, there's no way these are going to barrel. Even if they are unexpectedly quick, my comparison with with horses, clearly having much longer legs. - (pg.4) "staring at an the admittedly" - Why all the imprecise/vague phrasing all of a sudden? Here, you could be talking about some other bizarre sight. - (pg.5) "like a bad engine" - Define bad in this context. Throaty engines tend to be good. - (pg.5) "lobbed first one, then two another handfuls at the things, smacking two directly in the face" - Awkward phrasing. It sounds like xie is throwing with two hands at once the second time, which is beyond clumsy if you've ever tried it. - (pg.6) "The stagecoach driver (MISSING WORD) an obscenity" - (pg.6) This is all rather farcical, and has a feeling of the comical rather than being in any way tense or conflict-laden. - (pg.6) "dumped the entire contents over their heads" - Honestly, I don't care about any of this, it's beyond ridiculous. What's the point? It starts from a premise that I don't accept (dragons barrelling) and deteriorates from there. - (pg.7) Confused about the vision. Please do not tell me that M is in the stagecoach. How can that be possible when she was a sea away during the night? I cling to the hope that is not what's going on here. - (pg.8) "was M." - Ah, rust. - (pg.8) For me, the whole thing with the dragons and the coach is kind of ridiculous. Of greater concern is my disbelief. Of course, perhaps M was on this continent the whole time, but everything that went before told me quite deliberately that she was not. So, I feel betrayed by the previous narrative. I feel like the tone of the story has changed with the whole Mr. Bean sketch with the pig poop and orange juice. Chapter 3 - (pg.9) "Ignoring her stained, torn clothes and worn boots" - Guess this refers to O, but sounds like it's M from the grammar. - (pg.9) "smelled like fresh lacquer" - Isn't this because it smells 'of' fresh lacquer? - (pg.9) "major upgrade from the grass and juice" - What about the pig sh1t, surely that's the predominant smell, or was at the spot they left, which this is an upgrade from? - (pg.9) "the thin cushions on the interior benches" - This sounds to my like more tan two cushions, or at least two big cushions that cover the entire bench. - (pg.9) "the only place food or drink might be kept" - This sounds really obvious, to the point of not being worth remarking on. - (pg.10) "all three of them whacked their heads on the plywood ceiling" - I don't believe this. You're talking about a drop of at least a foot, I would think. Struggle to accept that the carriage would survive that. - (pg.10) "come and get me" - Still don't believe that. M must have been too far away to sail that distance in a matter of what, an hour or two? - (pg.10) "saw each other for seconds" - How many? A minute is 3600 seconds. - (pg.10) "Of all the..." - I don't think this is the time or place to be referencing Casablanca. This feels way out of context to me. - (pg.11) "we help you" - I don't understand why O and B are a 'we'. There's a assumption about him tagging along that I don't get. - (pg.11) "are pretty similar"- Every so often I make this comment. To me, this line loses a lot of purpose and effectiveness because it's to definite, it kind of cops out. 'Pretty' and 'fairly' and 'quite' are words the weaken the context, I think, and leave the reader feeling unsure if the writer means it or not. The names are similar. That is an accurate, clear and positive statement. - (pg.12) "that’s really a grey area" - Just to continue the last point, I think this is fine, because it accentuates how grey the area is, rather than diluting it. - (pg.12) "stagecoach stopped moving" - This sounds like it happens instantly. I'd prefer to have it 'draw to a halt', to keep me feeling in the setting. - (pg.12) "with you noting the dragon cannibalism"- How does 'noting' work here? I don't follow. - (pg.12) "Met O here when we were six..." - Okay, so this is the answer to my question from Page 11, but which has been with me from earlier than that. However, this feels really forced in the present arrangement. I'd rather M asked 'Eh, and who are you and why are you here, exactly? This is between me and O, I don't remember inviting you into the carriage.' Oh, another point. I personally (because I'm a pedant, remember ) would take issue with calling it a stagecoach. I would say a stagecoach is like a public bus running a fixed public route from A to B, i.e. you can't hire it, and this is just a carriage. - (pg.12) "She nodded. "I sleep with a bucket..." - missing quotes typo. - (pg.12) I like them bonding a bit over the puking, nice touch. - (pg.13) "You give away the secret then it isn’t any fun" - grammar. This doesn't scan. - (pg.13) "Dead parents. An aunt raised me for a few years before she died, too. Now I uh, sell lion fern blood" - See, this is why I don'y buy the premise that they know nothing about each other. This takes about 5 seconds to say, maybe 4 seconds. They could totally exchange details about each other. 30 seconds per night for 20 years = 30 x 365.25 x 20 = 219,150 seconds => 3652.5 minutes => 60.875 hours, and they can't squeeze in a few basic facts? What on earth did they say then, during the 2.5 days they been together? - (pg.13) "What is a lion fern?" - Thank you M! I believe I asked this last week, not we're on Page 13. - (pg.13) "Xie milks dandelions..." - Lol, really funny deadpan line. I like it. - (pg.13) "a lot of applications"- This conversation seems to have drifted way off topic. - (pg.14) "the original colonists to the planet" - Redundant, imo. - (pg.14) "I used to try to convince them that O existed" - So, M is addressing B? Seems odd. - (pg.14) "Made it four months..." - No, wait. This just proves my point that there is not earthly way M could have got to End in the time she did. Also, the logistics of two eight-year* olds walking to four months are beyond unlikely. Food? Lodging? I don't believe it. * You seem to have abandoned the hyphenation of ages, which is accept syntax. - (pg.14) "smell of salt immediately hit their faces" - Hit their noses, surely? - (pg.14) "a spell" - A what? Since when was there magic in this story? Now I've got a problem, unless O / B react in the same way and deny / refuse to accept that magic exists. If magic is an accepted part of society, I would expect to be told that on the first page. Not only is there no mention (that I can recall) of magic being real until Page 14(plus last week's page count), but you've kind of reinforced that magic is not real by making B an illusionist with card tricks and rabbits in hats. - (pg.14) "absent twins" - This confuses me too. Is the suggestion that they are biologically linked in some way? Maybe the next page will resolve my concerns. - (pg.15) "but you have to be present" - I thought this should be 'we', because it's the twins, but then I see she's talking about B. This seems beyond coincidence. It sounds as it if has to be B specifically who assists, but I see no logical basis for that. - (pg.15) Nice closing line for the chapter, naturally linked to the theme of the conversation and not shoe-horned in like some are. Summary I had some issues with this chapter in terms of the logic of certain things tying together, but I still enjoyed the pacing and a lot of the dialogue. Good forward momentum was maintained. Chapter 4 - (pg.16) "leaned against the white railing of the small solar ship. Moderate waves smacked into the sides of the boat" - Not you too! @shatteredsmooth had me going over this too. This description came from a place that historians or journalists possibly would not call a primary source, but I like the brevity and simplicity of its presentation. Bottom line, these terms are not interchangeable. "Among sailing vessels, the distinction between ships and boats is that a ship is a square-rigged craft with at least three masts, and a boat isn't. With regard to motorized craft, a ship is a large vessel intended for oceangoing or at least deep-water transport, and a boat is anything else." - (pg.16) I'm not following this and why there's someone in the tube. If the tube is made of parchment, why does M need a huge flame to make the tube. Surely the flame will destroy a parchment tube? This explanation is not clear. - (pg.17) "...for this, correct?” B asked." - (pg.17) "the glass is solidifying" - What happened to the parchment tube? Is M intending to make a glass tube big enough to fit someone inside? - (pg.17) How does the sleeve relate to the tube? Glass is malleable at high temperature, as you know. A person couldn't form a tube of glass big enough to fit a person, and this will happen in front of hundreds or thousands of people?!?! I'm completely bemused. - (pg.17) "You really think you can unwind our minds" - Where's the explanation of the twins bit? I'm still confused over that. - (pg.17) "but never in colors and smells and light" - Are there not colours in the dreams? This just felt a bit forced to me. How about sounds and touch? - (pg.18) "You are a piece of my soul" - The twins thing, the twins thing. Are they related or not? - (pg.18) "Aren’t you afraid we’ll lose, this thing" - Typo. Also, surely the whole point is to lose it. This comment confuses me. - (pg.18) "the thick book on his lap" - Where did this come from? He had no luggage when they left on the spur of the moment. Oh, did M bring the book? Not clear it was her's, imo. - (pg.19) "F used to talk about her and I think she may have visited once or twice" - Who is F, and visited where? Confused. - (pg.19) "we have to crash" - Typo. - (pg.19) "miracle" - Yes, I think this should have been questioned immediately that M mentioned it in the first place. - (pg.19) "her plastic bin" - A bin is for refuse, surely? I don't know what it is that she using using as a bag or case. - (pg.19) "not needing to check on the fire as long as xie can" - No. There needs to be a time specified. There must be a specific time that it takes to make a person-sized glass tube. 5 minutes, 9 minutes. M will know the answer to this, and I see no reason for her not to specify it here, rather than saying some vague and highly variable amount of time will do. - (pg.20) "plants they bought to sacrifice and scatter" - Unclear who is scattering and why. - (pg.20) Lol. Good closing line again. Summary It's a good story and I'm enjoying it. There are some small issues that are getting on my wick, but all fixable. There are also some large issues that I know are meant to make me incredulous, but I need to believe them when they come to pass. This life-sized glass sleeve makes me concerned for my credulity. But I most certainly am going to read through to find out what happens, so good job <R>

... I'm sure it will be novel, intriguing and involving. <begins stropping critiquing switchblade> So, sorry it's taken so long for me to get here. I'll read straight through to the latest submission. Page 1 - Nicely written, as always. I feel involved and intrigued from the start. I'm not going into LBLs. Maybe some phrasing I tripped over slightly. Page 2 - "but xir hair was far shorter and darker, her skin more tawny" - This seems like a typo. - "dripping shades of rose..." - nice line, poetic. - So, they've known each other since childhood, but there are some fairly specific details missing: 'Where are you?' is a big one. If they have done this as children, young people, young adults, surely that question would come up at least once, and once it's come up, remain as an unanswered question for years. I find it unlikely they've never shared this. I'm can just about suspend my disbelief on it though, or maybe that one of them (O by the sound of it, xie seems the more reticent of the two) might have refused to share the information. - Introducing the suggestion of them meeting is a perfect tension-builder here on Page 2. I like that as pacing. Page 3 - "Though the dream threatened... seconds left at best." - Not a complete sentence. - "what kind of party" - I'm not able to identify what kind of party that is, or why O can't attend. Page 4 - "clear plastic bag" - Wait, what?!?! I'm totally thrown. I was sure we were in a pseudo-historical time period. I think it was the mode of speech, and the talk of nightgowns. How and where does plastic fit into that? I'm really quite thrown by this.I'm not sure where (or when) is am now. - Blood, really? Page 5 - I don't know what an HPLC is. - All this talk about latex, is that in reference to the 'plastic' bag? This page is throwing a lot of things at me that I don't understand, not explaining them, and leaving me confused. - "...plastics from Earth." - Bah, I don't know what's going on now. When you mentioned Earth normal before, I took that as an indication few were on Earth. Page 6 - Good pacing. I'm fine with the market, really, because it's very specifically twined with the plot, and our m/c is a vendor, not a person wandering through the market 'buying meat on sticks and listening the hawkers cry their wares' (again). Page 7 - Ah good, a bit of geographic context, also some personal context. B makes a good foil to learn more about O's situation. Page 8 - I also like here getting a bit more around the background and O's situation. Hopefully we move forward on the next page. - Interested in the use of the term 'errand boys', given the gender neutral terms now in use. Page 9 - "knew him from M" - But how, through a detailed description? But in the recent episode, it seems that not only does O see M, but is able to see from her POV. Is this right? I don't think it's very clear. In the beginning, it seemed that they just were able to take to each other, face to face, as it were. - So, is it a fern or a dandelion? These terms seem to be used interchangeably for the same plant, but that's bothersome because in my (and most people's?) perception and understanding these are completely different plants, in the real world. Page 10 - "That kind of money was a proper house" - Hmm, struggling with this bit. For one thing, there is no value written on the 'cheque' (Yes, UK spelling ). Also, I've had no notion thus far that the plants were so valuable. When O looked like xie might sell a plant to the woman, there was no hint (I don't think) of how significant a sale that would have been. It seems it's like xie has like £100,000 of stock on their stall. I use this value without any knowledge of how much a house costs wherever we are, but I think readers would put it in their own context. Average UK house price is about £230,000. - "It was also a ticket" - This phrasing seems to equate the price of a house to the price of first class travel, but surely that can't be right.i'm still applying my terms of reference. First class fare to LAX, maybe £15,000? I don't know. I'm not convinced it was the intention to make it sound like the the sale was the whole value of the ticket, but that was how it came over to me. Page 11 - I like the easy camaraderie between O and B, it's well done and an excellently convincing medium to convey information to the reader. It comes over with no context other then friendship, and shared tribulation, no doubt. Well done. Page 12 - "komodo dragons that pulled the thing" - Huh? Huh. The trail of events and logic (or lack thereof) that results in having these as a mode of transport is so bizarre (I'm guessing) that it drags my train of thought away from the narrative to muse about how this could possibly be. Why would you take Komodo dragons to another planet in the first place? And it sounds like they came in the first wave, so nobody tried horse, oxen, mules, etc. first? Hard to believe. - "rediculous" - typo. - "O pocketed the note"- This seems out of character to me. Surely, they're going to agree a value before he drives away. No way does he leave a blank cheque with some unknown vendor, surely. - "carrier pigeon" - lol, awesome. Page 13 - "Left for women, right for men, forehead..." - cool bit of world building, nicely dropped into context. - "junction where O’s hair began" - This is really awkward description for what is quite an elegant gesture. I think the line would land much better as 'forehead', or 'skin' or something simpler. - It's so interesting how the biology of the plant is woven into the story, as always the case in your work of course. It's a really strong style and identity, and I find it very interesting. Page 14 - "the dragons lurched down the road" - Surely it's the cart that lurched, I don't imagine the dragons did. Also, repetition of 'lurch' in the next paragraph. - "and is selling it there" - Selling 'them'? Also, if that were the case, why would this guy come all the way to wherever they are from Meth to get the dandelions if he could get them at home? Kind of shaky logic there, I think. - "fancy word for a party" - Blatant nonsense. The coronation has a very specific constitutional and/or monarchistic function/outcome. Page 15 - "There’d never been enough time" - I'm not really buying the whole thing about not enough time. One can say an awful lot in 60 seconds if one puts one's mind to it, makes a prearrangement with the other person. Next time, I'll speak for the whole minute, then you the one after that. If they've been doing it from childhood, I just can't believe that curiosity has not come into play before now. - "a deep breath of air" - Redundant unless you're going to describe the air. Summary Very good. I am in too. Good pacing; intriguing set up; good characters; nice touches of world building (although I'm not 100% getting the tech level). Very keen to move onto the next part. <R>

Ah, so now I get to read that sub again! The titles sort of confused me, I must say, but okay, I didn't read the preamble, I'll admit it. Page 1 - "punched in the chest" - Seems to me like a massive overreaction to finding an empty cupboard. - Nice description of the morning, particularly through its sounds. Well done. - (last paragraph) - I don't like the description of them trying and trying till it worked. It's clunky, wordy and bland, I think, and I don't get any emotion or real sense of effort from it. Page 2 - "P’s car, which was currently parked in a shopping plaza lot, was just as full" - How do we know this? Feels out of the POV. Also, don't see the relevance. - I like this exchange between A and P. There's a kind of relaxed tension in it, the healing discomfort of honesty, perhaps. Works well for me. Page 3 - "sleeping bags sprawled across the floor " - I feel like this applies to a person or creature, but not to an inanimate object, which I would say are strewn? - I find the dialogue with A asking about the clairvoyance rather stilted and awkward. Page 4 - "if they’d ever own the cottage again" - Did they ever own it? I didn't get (or remember) that from before. I thought it was a family member that sold it. - "with the busy route twenty-eight" - Bah, what's this? You had Route 28 before, which is perfectly fine in my assessment. It's the name of the road, so it should be capitalised. If you were driving on I-9, would your write it as 'aye nine'? (Okay, I know that's a somewhat skewed example. Page 5 - It's not a great end line for a chapter, imo. I don't mind ending on going for food, but the short line on its own presents it as something dramatic when it really isn't. Page 6 - I guess they are sitting outside, but it's not that clear. Somehow, I imagine them sitting inside. I think that's because of the early scene where they meet in the cafe. - "breakfast sandwich and drank drunk a cup of coffee" - tense. - "their breakfast sandwich" - It's a really awkward phrase: a mouthful, if you will ( ). We already know from P's what kind of sandwich it is. I think you can streamline here. Page 7 - "even if it is charity" - This implies to me that his refitting the houses was charity, but it wasn't, surely it was business. Unclear to me. - "A pins and needles feeling crept into A’s fingers" - Some of the phrasing, for me is indirect, and therefore comes across uncertain. Would it be wrong here to just say 'Pins and needles crept into A's fingers'? Page 8 - "coast guard vessel near by" - 'nearby'. - "The woman in the inflatable life Jake was looking around" - 'vest'? Page 9 - "He was tabled in ropes" - 'tangled'? Page 10 - "J’s wife" - Again, we don't now this. I don't take it as an omnipotent POV. All that's needed is for the woman to say 'my husband' one time. - "you are okay" - Some of the dialogue is rather stilted for the situation. The woman would sound less like a robot if she contracted to 'you're' here. - "What is your name?"- This woman is bobbing around right after her yacht was carved in twain by a jet ski, and she still manages to keep a stiff upper lip? I would have thought 'What's your name?' better situated the situation. - The penultimate sentence sounds repetitive of things that went just before, and also the last line still doesn't sound the a chapter closer. For me it sounds like the line before the closer. Summary Still enjoying the story and hoping for more. I'm presuming the guy she saved is the philanthropist contractor. Seems like a real stretch of credulity. It's one thing to be in the right place at the right time, but why would such an incident happen at the very best moment? Struggling to buy that. <R>

Glad to be back reading this. Page 1 - "and the bracken water " - 'brackish', I think? - "just feed the invasive" - invasive what? Page 2 - "snarled P." - Just occasionally, the tone of the conversation is a bit odd for me. Why does he snarl? - "drew out the wild pieces of A" - 'parts'? Page 3 - I don't know what a 'popover' is. Page 4 - Usual parade of typos - "I swear the levels had it out for me" - What are 'the levels' in this context? - "Jet skis zoomed around, rising up in the air" - 'rising' sounds gradual to me. I think 'skipping', 'jumping', 'bouncing' or something like that would be more accurate. - "quite a ways down the short to the left and right" - The short what? Page 5 - "A dialled 911." - Uh, how? - "floated face down and unconscious" - We don't know this. Could be dead, which I don't think would be classified as unconscious, surely. This sounds beyond POV. - "A dropped the phone and dove into the warm" - Hmm. I thought they had waded further out than that. If they're in "water up to their knees", they would need to throw the phone back to dry land, surely? - You've had jet ski and Jet Ski several times each. I'm not sure why it would be capitalised. - "thankfully still attached"- <shudder> - "He was wearing an inflatable life vest that had not inflated" - The word 'inflat(e)' appears 5 times on this page, as does the word 'vest'. The result is that the narrative feels repetitive. Page 6 - "down below the ship" - I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to call a boat 'ship'. Different thing, I'm assured. - "from J’s wife" - Another POV issue. We don't know this. Could be his sister, ex-wife, cousin, friend, etc. - "...wouldn’t be able to answer." - Big old wordy sentence, with word repetition, etc. Page 7 - "Salt water clung to skin like a lover not willing to let go as the sun leached moister from it, leaving on the salt behind." - I don't have enough bandwidth to comment on this sentence. I think there's a UN directive on torture that probably could have saved this simile if it had been applied - "They just laid lay there" - The last line is really limp. It doesn't sound like a last line at all. No punch, spark, bite, snap, etc. Is it s a last line in fact? Does the chapter continue? Summary I'm still enjoying this story, and trying to imagine how much better it would be with a couple of line edits (i.e. two passes, at least). We were due another magical episode and that appeared bang on time. I think it could have had more punch, more depth. I know A was in the middle of a crisis, but another sentence of two to get the sense of wonder across that this magic nonsense actually worked would have been good. I'm looking forward to the next bit. I have a suspicion about who A just pulled out from under. I thought the hint was pretty clear, but not unsubtle.

Yeah, I was catching up from the back, but that has it's pitfalls.

Ah...

Sorry I'm reading this out of sync with the other critiques. I hope these comments are still of some use. I love the timeline, and reminiscing over stories past and present. Page 1 - "They saw what he did." - What did he do? I didn't see it. Is it meant to be past tense.? Does it mean 'They had seen what he did? - "refusing to send m where they were needed." - Why would they do that? Hmm. - Decent tension and conflict on the first page. I'm on board. But then it's O, so of course Im on board. Page 2 - "pup" - Seems an odd sobriquet for a race with predominantly avian characteristics. - "it would be something to share with the other m" - not sure what 'it' is. It's unspecific. Is it his success he would be sharing? Page 3 - "It would show favor to one species over another" - But is this not an internal F conflict? So it's not an inter-species war, is it? - "were on the outskirts of the carving" - This makes it sound like a town. Would they not be at the edges? Page 4 - "But it was the warrior caste..." - This sentence felt self-evident to me, kind of not worthy of O's intellect, or the story's somehow. I feel a deeper analysis would be more appropriate. - "But he found them when he walked at the docks" - Not sure what this is meant to convey. Is it in the sense of that's the only place he found them? - "culling the other classes somehow" - Surely how they are doing it is not a mystery, is it? - "his voice rising" - What about his voice is it that rises? Rather unspecific: it could be volume, or frequency, gruffness, etc. - "on his right and left" - Whose left, O's or Z's? - "stared him down, flanking her" - How do they flank her? It sounds like they all stand up and move close to her, which would be weird. If they don't move at all, also weird, because that means they've been flanking her the whole time. If it means in terms of their strategy, then 'flanking' I associate more with something you do to outmanoeuvre someone in an argument. Also, have the papers not been covering the desk this whole time? Seems weird only to mention it now. - "time,” he " - small 'h'. Scene 1 (summary) - Good conflict and very clear picture of the inciting incident. Some of the word choices tripped me up, but I think all my comments are just details. Page 5 - "O stumped..." - Stomped? - The first few lines bother me. "Once outside sounds like it should be the first line, because stopping down the stairs comes after getting outside, surely? Repetition of 'stumped'. I feel you could (should) cut the first paragraph. I want to be straight into his emotion after the first scene, not looking around at the scenery. This is my biggest issue so far: it's like a slap in the face for the momentum of the story. - "protected and helped" - I feel that 'helped' is too simplistic a word, and doesn't sit well with 'protect'. Think of 'protect and serve'. Words like 'aided' and 'supported' come to mind as being better than 'helped'. - "if their ancestors led them by the nose" - Confused by this line. How does it have anything to do with that happened in Scene 1? - "but now he looked upward," - This feel like a non sequitur. How does it have anything to do with his apartment? Also, "along the many floors of the tower" - 'along' is horizontal, surely? I get the 'but' now, because his new apartment's on a low floor. This bit just feels rather confusing, disjointed, to me. Page 6 - "He should start a club..." - Lol. - The last line of this scene feels like a very sudden leap in thinking without any lead in from the line about the war-torn worlds of P. In summary, this scene seems a lot about describing surroundings and (political) structures and much less a sequel to the previous scene, which is what I was hoping for. I don't think this second scene drives on the story as much as it should. I want to see more of his thoughts about the immediate problem. I don't really care about where he lives, and I'm surprised he is so easily distracted by such thoughts, when it's all imbedded knowledge to him. What do you call a maid-and-butler scene when there is only one character? - Do you really need a scene break here? Bearing in mind my comments above, one way to help what I was feeling would be to keep the same scene moving by having him walk to the portal, which would take all of a handful of words, and no break. Page 7 - "could just hear notes at the edge of his perception" - Very interesting. I did not know (or didn't recall) that. Makes sense given that portals are common. Page 8 - "They were a history" - The hives or the carvings? Not entirely clear, although I suspect it's the carvings. I'd rather not have to work it out. - I'm confused about the logistics of the battle. It sounds like the pixie's descending on O are fighting, and yet you say they are 'an army' singular, so it sounds like they have not engaged the enemy yet. Page 9 - Yes, my confusion about the engagement continues. There is fighting going on of course, and yet these no description of the one army descending on O engaging the second army, or any mention of the second army descending from the other direction. Blocking alert. - "Fighting was a means of communication, and so was the air around them" - The former, I can sort of see what you mean, but air in itself is not a means of communication (imo), it's just a medium, which needs to be affected by the means of communication, i.e. the larynx or drum or horn or whatever means of communication makes the air molecules vibrate to form the sounds. - "twists of air"- What is a twist of air? I feel 'eddy', 'current' or even 'vortex' would be more descriptive and evocative. - "He watched the ballet of death around him, in a circle of empty space" - Confusing. I couldn't follow at first, until I realised that I think this is O's perspective. I think it would be clearer to say 'from' than 'in'. 'In' makes it sound like the ballet is in the empty circle, which is contradictory of course. Whereas O is watching from the circle, I'm sure. Page 10 - I'm not sure I'm feeling all the much jeopardy from the battle. I like the line about O not knowing which side is winning. - I'm lapsing into LBLs, I know, but "differences of the two parties fighting". Difference surely are 'between' two parties. I had to read it twice be sure I was taking the right meaning. - "the chitinous places covering their skin had natural sharpened points" - 'places; should be 'plates', right? Also, 'naturally sharpened' sounds like a contradiction in terms to me. 'sharpened' sounds like a deliberate action, like a man-made thing, so not natural! [End of Part 1] - It's taking me too long to critique. I'll put this up and one back for another 10 pages very soon. Hope this is useful. <R>

Good luck both. And don't forget to bring you good autographing pens to Dublin Are 'we' getting excited yet?! (Clue, I'm getting excited.)

Really? For me the pacing is exactly right for a novel. It's a slower build with detailed character introductions and explanation of setting and circumstances. How is it not a novel opening? I still don't really subscribe to the tension from the first page thing, not fully. Anyway, I think there is a lot of personal tension, and character tension. If it's a novel, I think the very next thing we need in Chapter 5 is to meet the antagonist, and see what huge obstacles are between A and getting what they want, but I still think it works at this point, personally. Agreed. I think the best. Hmm, I would imagine it's drawn exactly the number of times that random probability would expect it to be drawn Agreed :blush: So, inverted basically means a negative interpretation of the general character of the card, I guess. I really enjoyed your post, @industrialistDragon, thank you

Very glad to be back with this story. Page 1 - Haha, there's the 'S' rating. Well done, I thought this was a very affecting scene. I really felt the emotion. I would say that my reaction to the word 'charged' was meh. That word feel tame now, I think it's overused. Are they standing up or lying down. It was the line "collapsed onto him" that made me thinking lying down, but then A steps away. Page 3 - It seems with all this talk of trust they're talking about sex... Page 4 - Then suddenly they're playing cards... huh?! That's a really jarring transition right at the end of the section. Oh, he's doing a reading. I didn't get that. I think I need to know it's tarot cards he's shuffling. Like the description of the storm. Honestly, I'm still harking back at this point to how jarring the transition was between sex and this mysticism. The two of them were really into the physical and then it just stopped. I was finding it more interesting and stimulating than this kind of disjointed mystical stuff. They've gone so suddenly from intense physical stimulation to obscure mystical analysis. Page 5 - Wait, what? Now they're standing up and not even doing the reading? I thought they sat down to do the reading. Why did A sit down then? Really finding this bit (post make out) very disjointed. The last line sounds more like P's POV, which makes it sound out of place, especially as a chapter-ending line. I enjoyed the start of this submission, but then it went off the rails for me. Not saying there's anything wrong with the chain of events, but I don't think the writing delivered them convincingly and clearly. And the typos, dear God, the typos

That was a really minor quibble of mine, and I got over it pretty quickly as I read on, then of course I encountered the bit where they had looked for jobs. And on the land value, I would be quite idly curious about how much change there was over 5 years. Idly mind, not a big issue!!

I really am trying to get caught up, I am! Chapter 1 Page 1 - the value of the land seems really quite low. I'm also sceptical about the land belonging to no one. How is that? But it's not O'B property any more, right? I found this reference confusing. "they would sit in it..." - sit in what, the grass? Page 2 - "dirtiest the quickest" - lol. Missing words in the next paragraph. I don't know what it is that's kaka. I like the description of the surroundings I've got a nice picture of these tidal lands, or the vegetation and the environment, the smells to some extent. Throwing in a couple of sounds would do no harm. It's a pretty good character sketch too, description through someone else's eyes, good. The losing of the job, hmph. I would say when someone loses and job they look for another one, not give up instantly, which it sort of feels like a bit. Ah, sounds of birds and wind, good. I'm a bit happier by the end of the page that this is a hiatus. It does seems almost comical how may things went wrong at the same time. Page 3 - "middle of the pound" - pond? I know it's draft. Not bothering about all the typos. Page 4 - Okay, and we close on the character's goal. That's pretty satisfying. I feel like I know the way forward, I've got a sense of character, and a setting. No messing about, pretty short and direct into these things. I'm ready for the next chapter. Chapter 2 Page 5 - So, it's Cape Cod. It just underlines my struggles with the value and the cost of things. I'm guessing you researched all these things online? Ultimately, I tend to be able to just go with these things as long as they don't mount up too much, or get even more unlikely (in my perception). Page 6 - They close the laptop twice. Page 7 - It's like you really want me to mention this one since you did it twice "loose whatever argument" - lose, I presume. There's something wrong with the line about the cards telling P. it doesn't make sense. There's no connection. Page 8 - I'm struggling with this discussion with Pete. It feels kind of rambling and undirected. There's important inciting stuff in here and I want it to be tidier and smoother, more convincing. The pace seems okay in that A gets wound up and it gets more argumentative, I just think it needs a thorough tidy up. Yes, by the standoff I'm still good with the energy of the conversation. I feel like they would have had this argument before. but it doesn't really come over that way. Page 9 - The argument starts to feel a bit repetitive with the little dog, but the vase defeats the whole thing, I think. A vase hovering the air for seconds if clearly and unarguably magic. It renders A's whole position ridiculous and unsustainable from the beginning, as it is clear proof. Why did P not go straight to the clear proof of the vase from the beginning, when the other instances are questionable, but this one is not? "knotted necklace" - lol, I have been there many time. For years my daughter (and wife) were not good a keeping their 'jewels' separated and hanging from a rack. Page 10 - "Then why are you here now?" - I like how you bring it back to the start of the argument. Why is talking to P 'suspiciously' easy? If they're such good buds, wouldn't it jut be familiarly, expectedly or unsurprisingly easy? Page 11 - Another satisfying ending to a chapter. We now have a clear way forward, and that helps to pull me into the next chapter without hesitation. Chapter 3 Page 12 - I like that there's no messy around getting to the cabin, but we're just right back there. Good pacing. "fruit wine" - hmm, aren't all wines fruit wine. I'm not convinced 'fruit wine is a thing. "radius of ripples" - meh, radius is a single value, whereas ripples are constantly changing in radius. Some kind of use of 'radial' would be more appropriate, I think. 'loosing' vs. 'losing' again. Losing wins! Page 13 - The description of magic is very effective in its evocation of the place, and the feeling. I like that. I'm bursting to do a line edit of this thing. There are sooo many typos and missing words, etc. It would be quite a bit more pleasurable to read if I didn't keep tripping over them. There's quite a lot of repetition of feet in the muck. Is it three times during that evocative passage? I don't like that it ends on that repetitive note. Page 14 - Oo, what a nice emotional note to end on, but with a strong streak of implied threat / conflict / violence. Nicely done. I thought this was great. Of all your writing that I have read this was easily the best at characterisation, sense of place and sense of character goals, emotion, conflict. I enjoyed this a good deal, and I am pleased to be able to read some more very soon! I'm off to read the comments in the thread now. I sense there was some dissatisfaction...

So, it comes from theatre, where a maid and a butler (for example) are talking to each other, and they say things for the benefit of the audience, things that they both know, and so would have no actual reason to say to each other. For example... Maid: "I'm just going to take the master his tea, because as you know he gets up at seven each morning to go riding in the forest." Butler: "That's right, he does that every morning, except on Sundays, when he stays in bed until nine." So, the maid and the butler have been working at the house for many years, therefore they know very well what his lordship's routine is, they both know the times he gets up. Thus, there is no reason for them to say these things to each other, certainly not in so blatant a way. The only reason they do this is that the playwright wants the audience to hear the information. It's really a kind of breaking the fourth wall (between the actors and the audience).

Good point, and I agree. I can identify this reaction in my when I was reading, but I did not feel this necessarily was out of whack, it felt consistent to me. Could lead on to a 'nice' breakdown scene in the next chapter as the realisation hits. My reaction was that I did not think they would get away from the planet any time soon, if at all. The whole novel might be about their struggle to get away in the ship, and ultimate failure (or whatever). I had no sense that they might be leaving the planet; that seems too easy. I agree...

Hey, argh, sorry I'm so slow catching up. It's because of the all the writing I'm doing, 500 words a day since January 1st, my new mantra, but it hammers my critiquing. Apologies. I'm completely sure which version of Chapter 1 I read, but anyway... Page 14 - Can you click your molars? I'm not convinced that's possible, I think it's the front teeth that click (incisors, canines maybe). I realise people's mouths are different. I'm just not sure this is right. It's a good detail though. Also, the nightmarish vision of Earth is very effective, and hugely saddening!! (Plus rather frightening...) I don't follow what Q's blood orange is. I know what a blood orange is (the fruit), but what's Q got to do with it? Also, wouldn't the suit's system be operating constantly in order to control the interior environment? Waking it up felt off to me. 'wooden boat', for me. Page 15 - "unconcernedly" - awkward word, kind of spoils the image. Oh yes, Q's the planet - WRS then. I like the description of the Mel, however in a way it's rather impersonal, as there is nothing about her face, so it almost comes over anonymous. I think now that I do that too, maybe <scribbles note to self> Page 16 - I don't quite get the 'details limited' bit. Is this because the suit can't scan because it's damaged, or because the UV is masking its scan? "Another woman stepped into me" - so does this mean like bowled them over, as in physically stepped into them? Page 17 - Because that's what it sounds like. Also, again there is description without anything about facial features. I'm not sure now whether I need this or not. Hmm. I would say 'vision defocused'. I believe unfocused is an adjective. Page 20 - "voice... on an injured puppy" - I'm not quite sure what this conveys. What kind of voice would you use on an injured puppy? "the crowd of women" - I don't know what number we're talking about. I thought it was a handful, but I would not call that a crowd. Page 21 - "and quickly overheated" - something grammatically off here, I think. Page 22 - "...polite pronoun exchanges" - great line. What is "self survival" compared to just survival? I don't now why A wouldn't just say 'survival'. Page 23 - Ba-boom. What a great last line. I certainly would keep reading. Good work, but I expect no less from you. Intriguing set up, characters with depth, or at least the promise of it, an m/c with an interesting background placed in a difficult, potentially conflict-ridden situation. And now we have a goal. All good

Yes, I heartily agree with this statement! I think my French is reasonable okay, but I would never attempt what you have here, or manage it to the degree you have. So congratulations for that, and I hope you keep trying with the story. I wish I had more time, I would offer some assistance. Is that something that would interest you at all? I would be willing to send you back some tracked comments on the language issues, if you could use them