Robinski

I would have thought Word grammar checking would pick up the wrong words. It's not a mess. We can fix all the mechanical stuff. Deep breath and keep submitting, please!

I'm so late. My apologies. (page 1) - First line: I love the kind of sarcastic understatement. Oscar Wilde said "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," but the bit that doesn't get quoted so often is the rest of the line... "but the highest form of intelligence." Anyway, I'm quite partial to it, obviously! - "made more over protective by" - delete. - "for a day or two to see if I could figure out a way to turn mom back" - This sounds too casual, for me. Like, ho hum, probably this won't take more than a couple of days to sort out. - "I needed Wi-Fi" - Again, it seems a bit too casual. Is E expecting the a 'CLOSED' sign is going to keep people away from the shop for two days, while they go somewhere else? Will it not just be full of customers again tomorrow, wondering what the heck's going on? (page 2) - "negotiating the right terms" - This sounds older than the rest of the chapter so far. What age is the E again? (page 3) - "including the keys" - I wondered about this when E flipped the closed sign. Could they not have locked the door at that point? Just seems cleaner than having to think about the possibility of someone come through the door. - "to further secure" - The grammar as well as the wording seems a little mature sometimes. Just now and then, like this. (page 4) - "wishing he had a helmet too" - I think the closing line of the paragraph could be stronger. Maybe something about cycling away and leaving Mom behind (for now)? - "I locked my bike" - I'd say 'the bike', because you've referred in the previous paragraph to E's own bike, with this is not. - Who's A again? Complete and total WRS, but I suspect I'd have to flip back to find this out anyway, even if reading right through. Also, I don't get why E is nervous about taking the doll into the library. (page 5) - I found the bit when E thinks about the alternatives for G rather confusing. What's the message? - "to the most hidden table" - This is awkward phrasing for me. I think you could turn it round, as in 'the least visible table', or maybe the most concealed table. E's certainly shown the vocabulary to be more sophisticated than this, imo. - Could you maybe say 'library wi-fi'? I'd like a reminder of where I am: it hasn't been mentioned much. (page 6) - I think you need to have 'rumour had it' before 'sometimes' in the passage about the factory owner's wife. I'd 'that sometimes she would invite'. I'm trying to get at putting sometimes close to what she does sometimes, i.e. the inviting. That's makes things clearer and more effective, imo. - I don't believe a kid would report the owner for making then sit still for a portrait, not when there are such abuses of factory safe and child labour, that sort if bullying would be insignificant, imo, in that time period. What would the police charge the owner with, literarily, bullying? I don't believe it. - You say the owner's wife, then you say the owner's name was MF. I presume you mean the owner's wife was MF? - "Then I got tired of it and just took pictures of the pages" - Lol. But thinking about it a bit more, would E not have photo'd the pages straight away? Why start writing at all? This can't be the first time they've encountered this situation. - "I always had a hard time deciding which websites could be trusted and which ones couldn’t be" - Consistency issue: E can't decide between websites, but seems to be quite happy to believe everything in the first book they read on the subject. - "I’d have something to compare them too" - delete, for me, fur purposes of clarity. What is 'them' in this sentence? Unclear, and you don't need it (page 7) - "like chicken fingers or pizza" - ROFL, no greens? Very in-voice. - The stuff about the shops and what E ordered is quite boring. I want to know what happens and the train of thought, but I think this can be cut down a fair bit. - "I retrieved A’s doll" - still don't know why E didn't take it into the library. Also, chances of it being stolen by some kid, or dragged away by a cat/dog/rat/squirrel/skunk/fox/ groundhog/crow/magpie? Fairly high, I would have thought, but I guess I can roll with that. - "what you called said place" - another sort of knowing, older phrase. (page 8) - "I walked into a room with a beaded curtain" - I don't follow: does E walk through the curtain to get into the room, or is there a curtain separating a smaller area of the room? (page 9) - Good encounter with the girl. I like her description, and I like the tone of the place and there's a nice surprise that she knows R. (page 10) - "a low end table" - I presume you don't mean a down-market table but that's one of the meanings (page 11) - "caught on tear snot" - I don't remember any other signs that the girl had been crying, which I would have expected before we got to tear snot. - "an abandoned mill" - Not the abandoned mill! Don't go to the Abandoned Mill!!! I just had a total Scooby Doo moment, but in a really good way. And I mean classic CBS Scooby, not all the nonsense that came afterwards. - "They seem to think she just ran away and left me" - Problem: we have recently seen aunty being pretty jaunty and happy in the store. There's no way she behaves like that if her sister(?) is missing without a trace and it's only a day or two later, which is my impression. The only think I can think of to justify this is is aunty is complicit somehow, and mom in fact has been turned to a mannequin and aunty is aware of this. Otherwise, the emotional tone seems off to me, or the logic, or something. (page 12) - "I’d rather not illegally camp" - age tone again. It's hard to pin down. (page 13) - "My name is D and I use she/her" - Okay, I'm going to wade in here. I come from the context of (a) having 48 years of ignorance of non-binary issues, and 5 years of learning; (b) I am confident that this comment comes from a purely storytelling perspective, because I am completely accepting of that essential aspect of the main character, and of MxR. In the last couple of pages, there have been a lot of introductions. This had led to a lot of discussion over who is using what pronoun. All perfectly valid, no question. But, if you are writing for a mainstream audience, and aiming to enlighten them on these issues or just to communicate and include these characters, I really think if you hit them with this amount of introduction of non-binary context (or not, since D, although female, still goes through consideration of the question) with multiple characters, it takes over the story at this point, and the plot and setting and pacing are sidelined. If you're writing for an 'aware' audience, this still has the potential to deflect them from the story, because the focus has drifted off the plot / setting / pacing, I feel. All I'm suggesting is to give the reader more breathing space between these introductions (D, A's identification, and a revisiting of E's for the benefit of D, and A) so that it feels organic and does dominate everything else in the story. I feel like I've gone from following the story, to the story having become less important than character background, and don't think that's right in any context, for any story. (page 14) - "the things she said to him" - Is one of the pronouns here not A, and were they not going to use they/them? - "She called to me every night, but I recognized her voice" - grammar: but doesn't fit here, because the first part of the sentence doesn't oppose the second part / is not contrary to it. (page 15) - "looked proud like a cat that caught a mouse" - Is this really what cats feel what they catch a mouse? I'm not convinced. - "His feet" - his feet, his legs?? (page 16) - the white door was disorienting for me, since it's something new introduced in the last line, but otherwise a decent finish in relation to the line about the doll. Overall Good chapters, especially the second one, despite the hard crash that I experienced with the pacing. Despite the typos and 'misprints', I'm finding it very easy to read, and to remain invested in. There's a good, strong story here with some solid editing, and continued critiquing. Thanks for sharing

Hey all, Chapter 5. Tagged accordingly. Chapter Recap: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem Any an all comment greatly appreciated. I'm really sorry I haven't responded to last week's and I am so far behind on critiquing too. Bah, sorry! Cheers, Robinski

Me too, please, if there is one available.

Thanks so much for reading, Kais. That's good. The hybrid stuff has always been there. As I'm doing with all the chapters as I go along here, once all the comments are in, I'm editing for those, but also looking to cut down and streamline, essentially just reduce word count. Right. Most likely this is because there really isn't one, which is one of my failings, of course. I have some golden rules pinned above my desk and one of them is 'Chapter Arc'. I'll need to overwrite it in Red Sharpie. I will think hard about arc and try to punch the end up a bit. Actually, thinking about that now, the arc really is over two chapters (and two POVs) as you'll see next week. I would never have contemplated something like this 4 years ago (I don't think). I love this freaking place Yeah, I think I've done this. It has more depth and it doesn't say 'bi' at all now, which was far too tell-y, just refers to her using sex (on everyone). Phew <mops brow, carries on> Agreed. I've cut it. I love that's it's so much easier to make there calls when you've actually finished the story Yeah, I've done that. It's a bit deeper too, plus better. Thanks. Hmm. I went to do that, but it looked kinda fake, like it diminished E's opinion of their relationship. She considers T a friend too. Lover is rather too blatant, I think. How do you mean? Which bit? I'll take another crack at it in my read through, which I am going onto now. Great comments. Thanks so much.

Hey JW, really appreciate the comments. No, just multiple human ones, so it's in the sense of there are human worlds, and un-settled (or unsettle-able) worlds. Nope, only seen the movies, which I appreciate doesn't count! Yeah, this is not my style at all. I've reworded to 'Thumping into the glass...' So, head office appointed him... Is it the roving brief bit that's the problem? I've accepted all the grammar stuff: happy enough with that, thanks. On the telling, yeah. I can tackle that. Great comments, thanks JW

Yeah, that's why I posted it My (poorly worded) comment about 'suit' was referring to SSmooth's pictures. Well, I'm one. I stopped wearing suits after 30 years of wearing suits, and switched to sports jackets for work purposes. I've never liked blazers: I wore them for 10 years at school, which was plenty for me.

Cool

Despite all my babbling about developing skills, @hawkedup makes an excellent point. Finishing things is so important and such a valuable skill. Of the three projects, you mention Third is not finished, are Sabre and Greeks both complete in draft? (Forgive me if you mention this already.) If not, there is real merit in pushing through even if the slings and arrows are giving you pause.

Yes to the pics. Now, I would definitely refer to this as a suit. A blazer, imo, is not matching with the bottom half.

Hey all, hopefully there is not too much WRS me having missed a week through my own dough-headedness. Chapter 4. Tagged accordingly. Chapter Recap: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at Gen Ex Trick in Yellowknife, NWT Cheers, Robinski

That's fair, because really it hasn't. I know it's an issue. I'm playing through two sets of set-up with Q and M, and again with E and T, which clearly is not ideal. I've been called on this before with this story, and it's better than it used to be. I'm just keeping it in mind and hoping to entertain enough with each chapter as things hot up (a bit). Yeah, more than one person has said that Q's voice is not quite what it was in the first book. I'm going to have to address this. Thanks for flagging, thanks for the line comments, and thank you for reading!

Honestly, I wouldn't. I think you need other eyes on it. As above, I'd be happy to proof read the whole thing when it's finished. This story deserves to be tidy Yep. I felt that variable sense of wonder/tension/fear too. For one thing, I've got no problem with dawdling round the shop, because I felt you were always calling out things that would be important: the vampire hunting kit; the dog; the doll; MxR - these things already have or probably will (I think) prove significant to the story. More importantly for me, I'd be disappointed if you set this up as a magical world from the off. I'd be especially disappointed if Mom was anything other than a regular Mom. I think in horror (which I don't do a lot of, I'll admit), the world almost always starts out 'normal' (at least from the MCs perspective) then bad stuff happens unexpectedly. I think if the world if known to be 'unnatural' you lose all the fear and jumps and wonder. If Mom takes the supernatural seriously, you lose her rock-like strength, I think, and therefore undermine the gut punch when she is 'taken away' from E. I do agree that the transformation is a rather sudden. I saw where you were aiming to set things up by discussing E's fear and the new mannequin, but I think maybe you need to more clearly establish E's fear. You mention that she(?) and Mom played a 'game' about people being turned into mannequins, but I wonder if it couldn't come from somewhere more specific, like a mannequin fell on E in shop when she was little and traumatised here, for example. You do hint at there being supernatural things in the world by showing the vampire kit, and you do have a conversation with Mom about it, but I wonder if that's just a bit low key at the moment. I wonder if MxR or maybe another customer (who you can then make as suspicious-seeming as you like) might call it out more deliberately. "Arr, folks didn't make 'ese here kits for the good of their 'ealth, young 'un. There's weirder things in the world than folks are willing to believe. You mark my words!!" The thing I've been thinking of is Doctor Who. To me, you get hints of the monster's presence and nature as some complete innocent discovers/is eaten/melted/vaporised by it, but the 'people' are usually oblivious to it's existence until it starts 'interacting' with them, and then the Doctor arrives and explains what it is. I guess we are missing those hints in this story, but what I'm trying to get at is I think it would ruin the tone (for me) to explain that this is a real thing that happens in the world. Nobody was saying 'Don't you stay out too late, Johnny, one of those alien pods might kill you and replace you with a facsimile identical to you in every physical way, but emotionally dead inside.'

I'm excited to read new writing from you, SSmooth. I'm going to treat myself (as in pamper, not self-medicate... although that would be another way to go) and not mention any line-level grammar and typo stuff at this early(?) stage. (page 1) - Good first line. Do you drown in poop though, or suffocate? Depends on the poop, I suppose. - There's not much character in that first paragraph, but I guess there is setting (a bit) and character voice. There is oodles in the second para though, and I like having a firm picture of the domestic situation. - "I hated two out of three. That meant Mom wasn’t happy with the result" - I know what it means. I'd rather you didn't come right out and tell me. It would be much softer if it went, 'If Mom wasn't happy with the result then...' That also leads us into the next thought. - "which could have potentially meant" - Be definite: it's much, much for compelling than expressing vagueness. And here you've got two vague wishy-washy words in the same clause. What's wrong with 'would have meant'? (page 2) - Confused. The narrator seems to know they're going antiquing from the start, but actually, it's open to variation until we get to the top of page 2. This seems inconsistent. - You don't need the scene break, imo. The narrative is continuous. I think good practice, surely, must be to try and avoid using scene breaks unless absolutely necessary. I feel that they are overused these days. - From the phrasing, I thought that Mom owned JJ, but I guess that's not the case, from reading on. - I love the description of Mom's clothes, it gives a nice strong image and great character notes. BUT, again, your telling us rather too strongly and blatantly, imo, with "but that was because". Obviously it's necessary to explain things to the reader, and I don't mind being told sometimes, but just not so blatantly, like 'Listen up numb-nuts, this is important.' Just drop "but that was because" - it reads within without it. - "starting to get too small" - to me, this sounds like the big is changing size, compared to 'starting to be too small', which doesn't, imo. (page 3) - I'm sure it's not wrong, but an antique shop smelling of mothballs seems a bit clichéd to me. - "a pink depression glass lamp" - I thought this was a mental health thing. I think the (Great) Depression is a recognised historical event and therefore should be capitalised which will help with clarity here, imo. Also, I would suggest 'pink Depression-era glass lamp', which is unmistakable. - "Purple half moons dangled from their earrings" - surely there are the earrings, are they not? I guess technically the bit that goes through the ears is the earring, but that might not even be a ring. This tripped me up a bit anyway. - "was died purple" - dyed. (page 5) - There seems to be an inconsistency where the mannequin is called 'it' and also 'she'. (page 6) - Again, the text break here, I'm not sure I see the point. I think you could deal with it in very few words. Like 'I nodded to XXX and turned to wander through the shop. Antiquing from like...' or maybe, I followed Mom out into the mall and started browsing the stalls...' The text break doesn't mark a change in POV or location, and if it's a time hop, it can't be more than a couple of minutes, surely. - I'm getting confused by the blocking. So, JJ is a big space the contains individual booths operated by different traders? I don't think that's clear at the beginning, I think it comes over as one antique shop and that it is part of a bigger group of shops. That was my impression. - Ah, if you show a vampire hunting kit in the first act, you need to 'shoot' it in the second act. I very much like the description of it. - What's an 'acorn curl'? (page 7) - "She stuck her tongue out at me" - This is a very clearly and sweetly released mother-daughter... (Wait, I don't know the MCs gender/orientation!) relationship. These little highlights are very personal and show great depth in so few words. Very nicely done. - "back where it was" - 'had been', or back in it's niche/slot/whatever. Where it was is in her hand, it needs to go back somewhere different. (Page 8) - I wonder if you need the last paragraph. Could you end on the question? That would be a very powerful end to a chapter, imo. (page 9) - "kids like me" - I feel like this is the first indication of non-binary in our MC. (page 12) - "I thought of her book" - What book? - "Are you up here?" - When did they go upstairs? (page 13) - Why is there a break here? The narrative is continuous. - "blazer/skirt combos" - Really? I bow to what I imagine is your superior knowledge, but when I think of the all the wartime period dramas I've watched on the BBC (other channels and platforms are available), I think of dresses, dresses and more dresses. Or, if skirts, not with blazers. Probably it's just me, unless it's a US thing. (page 15) - "The door to the back room slammed shut" - Why? - "as it kept trying to close" - how? Is it on a closer (spring)? (page 16) - "In horror movies, haunted objects tended to not stay destroyed, so I didn’t feel bad about not trying to destroy that mannequin" - Kind of confusing to decode what is meant here. - "Better to keep them all trapped in there until I had more information" - I'd like to see E a bit more flustered at this point, a bit more terrified. They seem very quickly to have got a grip and be rationalising sensibly, but it's only been a few moments since they made the terrifying discovery. - "until it was relatively person-shaped" - Hyphen, for one thing. Also, this transformation is rather under-described, imo. There's smoke > it's a person. (page 17) - I really think you have to end on "people who might." That's the power line here, IMO. The line about the doll falling over is a nothing line. Because it has no significances of itself, is sounds like the thought till continue. I'd say cut it. Overall I mean, typos, grammar issues, missing words, etc. abound, but putting that aside, this is very promising. I thought you nailed the tone, and the characters are well established. Okay, there are only three of them present (four including the dog), and MxR is pretty broad without being deep (yet). Mom, for me, was established very efficiently, but she does have pretty standard Mom traits, but that is fine. That's what we mostly need Moms to be in stories, I think. I like the subject matter and the setting. I'm not immune the pleasures of antiquing myself. I love to collect things (stamps; coins; notes; football (soccer) cards; beer caps; concert tickets; movies tickets; music (vinyl, CDs, cassettes, CDs); DVDs; comics) - sorry, digression. Anyway, I'm very much onboard with a lot of the emotion and the little instances that play out in these first couple of chapters. I thought the pacing was good, dropping us into the mystery at the end of Chapter 2, but building to it inevitably from the first page, really. I thought this was very well done, and I'm keen to read more. I'm interesting to know if you've finished it. Whatever the case, I'd be pleased to do a line edit of the whole thing some time, if that would be of assistance. <R>

Yes. I feel that this is Z's story, and that the other POVs don't warrant the screen time. It's like you're trying to tell two stories at once. I agree with Mandamon. Yes, really well done on that. I agree with the others about Z's voice. I'm not sure the voice is all the different, but now I understand why it is the way it is, like all that's gone before makes sense. That will roll back from the chapters, I presume, so that we're getting this buy-in from the start of her POV.

Right then, comments. Sorry these are really late. (page 1) - I like the prayer well enough: it's convincingly simple and straightforward. - I like the first line. It's strong and pulls me right back in. - "but followed presently" - Cut. It adds nothing. Imo, you can't make something sound like it's done faster being adding 'immediately' (for example), because it takes longer to read. 'Presently' means even less, it's really just repeating that she did it. - "Are You Stupid Or Something?" - Hah. As you'll see from reading Q and M, I've got a list of named smiles for Q. There were more in the first book than T C C. (page 2) - "called back and then addressed the teenagers again" - She's a teenager too, right? This felt wrong to me. Something like 'the other two' would be better, imo. - Repetition of 'final' was awkward, for me. - Nice detail dropped in about the fighting. (page 3) - "at parade rest" - this sounds weird to me. Are they trained soldiers? If not, how would they know this? - "adding pauses between the words" - Don't do that! Don't tell us there were pauses. Put them in with punctuation so we can just read them. Then you can drop the bit about treating them like idiots, because we'll get that two from the diction. - "wasn’t directly only at her" - 'directed', I think. - "Instead, MG spoke to all three of the teenagers at the same." - Clunky. I assumed she was speaking to all three. The don't need to say this, imo. - All this description of voices and pacing is just word count. I don't see what it's adding, and it makes the discussion really slow. I saps the tension out of it. (page 4) - You don't need to tell us who GK is, we know he's the GK's general. You've mentioned this guy ten times already. Don't need the explanation. - Language is a bit cluttered, but I like the emotional punch of Z catching the lie. (page 5) - Not sure I understand why or how she came to this sudden realisation about P not knowing the truth. (page 6) - "Shame" - (1) This seems like a really high number for shame, as I would imagine it's a lot more common than that, but I don't know how the system works. (2) I'm thinking maybe this is something you got from your consultants? Is it a real thing with autism? - "if she accepted them if she put on a good enough act" - very clunky repetition. 'and put on...' would be better. (page 7)) - "M stood on the other side of R. " - You told us this before, don't need to say it again. Recommend cutting this. I can remember from two pages ago! - "such a bay name" - What does this mean? (page 8) - “As in… alcohol?” - This makes P sound really stupid. I get that Z maybe doesn't know what kind of alcohol they would drink, but one of the other kids could back her up by saying 'beer', or something. You really don't need the line from P, imo. (page 9) - "I can’t say I’m not disappointed" - This is hugely over complicated and hard to work out. Just say she's disappointed!! She's a minister, and used to communicating clearly, I would imagine. - "the teenagers" - This is coming up a lot and it feels awkward about every time. Here, you could just say 'got the truth out of them' and it would be perfectly clear who 'them' was. Also, I feel like there is a lot of author-splaining going on. Tell us they looked relived, and trust the reader to know why: it's perfectly clear. (page 10) - I like how that scene played out, but I totally forgot there was actual wine down there. It's WRS really, but did they bring it with them or was it already there? I think it was already there. - I really like the note about Z not being sure if she and M are friends now. Excellent emotional thread, and very much in the age range of your characters. That makes it really convincing. - The thing about approved words is weird. I don't know what it adds here. Kinda clunky. (page 11) - “It’s pride.” - This implies to me the Z has never seen this before. I can't believe that. That's way out of character for P, I would say. - It feels like it's all about the green chile, and there's never any mention of any other foodstuffs when they are cooking, like beans or tortillas, etc. Cheese? Meat? (page 13) - Another really strong character moment when you show us that M's parents don't really care about her (allegedly). Ah, and then you go and author-splain it!! Cut the line about M asking 'What?' It's much better if P just glares. It's completely clear what the context is. Stop explaining thing that are clear!! (page 14) - "expected him to respond to her telling him to shut up" - wordy and awkward. - "We committed perjury" - No, they didn't, surely. In my assessment this is a legal term and applies to being under oath in court. The only thing I can think of is that they are considering themselves to be under oath to the priest, but that clashes badly for me. It's very clearly defined as a legal term online. I am not unique. If I'm tripping over this a lot of people will, I expect. Also, I don't buy that kids would use this word. (page 16) - "world killer" - still don't know what this is. (page 17) - shaped like a dragon’s" - like a dragon's what? (page 18) - "their children play with her" - "turned to look at M and R on her right" - doesn't matter what side they're on. (page 19) - I love the 'buy them some time' line. On one hand, she's being caring and sensitive to her father's feeling then, boom, there's this really cold and rather mercenary line. I don't think it means she doesn't love him and want him to take the note the way she intends it, but there a sign that she's growing up, becoming practical and maybe even a bit cynical, or rather capable of cynicism. - "but he followed them" - I thought this meant her father, because G following them was too abstract for me. - I would seriously consider cutting the last paragraph and ending on the powerful line about it buying them time. Overall Good. I enjoyed this. Things are happening, there's tension and there is a plan that gets them out of the village. The plan is immensely audacious, and I did struggle a bit to believe they would take this on so quickly and easily. I'd like maybe to see a little doubt, or argument, but I'm almost there and I can probably accept it as it is, set misgivings aside and go with it. Nice job. Thanks for sharing <R>

Excellent! Glad to hear your positive approach. I've enjoyed plenty of bits so far, and I would read this again when it comes back.

Project 75192: Update 14 - Bags No.9 - "Wings of a Falcon" First of all, some more external detailing, which is frequently clipping pipe-looking things (2) to lots of little 'brackets' (1). Then it's on to constructing the top of the fuselage, with similar cut-outs for viewing that internal cubbies created in the last update, with more pipes (6)! Elegantly simple connection mechanism of only two pegs into the red strip on the body (7). I like the way there are blue studs on the edge where there needs to be a positive connection near the tip of the nose. I found out half way through the next bag that there something out of alignment and these were not engaging so have to go back and fix. The finished 'wing' (nose? I suppose) detail (8), with mirroring one also done.

I'd like to actually submit this Monday, unlike last week. Sorry about that.

Ah, yes, ok. I forgot this. But it's a small town and she works in the bar, she really doesn't know his name?

No sweat, JW. You will see this happen from time to time. It's a judgement thing. I shoulda posted when Silk didn't swing in and give you the go-ahead, but you've made the right judgement call. Sorry this is so late. Also, I hope my positives last time did not get swamped by the issues I had. Just to stress, I think there is good writing and there are good ideas in here, and that certain fixes would go a huge way to nailing the problems that are tripping me up. I had a thought about this. (1) I did not take J's first chapter as a prologue. Was it? <looks back> I see it was. For me, it didn't feel like a prologue. It did seek to show is important information necessary for the story, mostly how channels work, and what the world looks like, but it was set in the timeline off the story, which makes if feel very much like a chapter. (2) I suggest trying what I would think of more as a true prologue, maybe take us out of the timeline and out of the location, back to when RL was in the city, as a vehicle to explain what the wider world looks like and where and how the Greek aspects of the new culture were adopted? Anyway, on to Chapter 4 (page 1) - "trying to pull the whip away from her neck" - every verb (every word, really) is a chance to convey tone and emotion and detail. Here 'trying' is kinda tame. It could be 'grasping to pull the whip...', for example. - "hear her boss’s eyes bulging out of their sockets" - my issue with this is the bulging eyes don't make a sound, surely 'see her boss's eyes bulging...' - "like a kd to the face" - yes! - "She was known to..." - This is very on the nose for me. She's known for doing exactly what she did here. Also, not a single person noticed her? Is her poster not still up? - "The WV of NA" - Aw, heck. It was all going so well. I talked about complication last time, and overcomplicating, imo. Why does the WV need to be two people? For me, that's overcomplicated and includes another important character that we need to keep track of, where fewer characters, clearly, would be less complicating. But consider this, it would be much less complicated, I think, if RL and BL had a collective name that clearly labelled them as a pair. Like the viper sisters, for example. That makes it easier to parse that they are a duo, and we don't need to remember that WV is two people, puzzle over why one name for two people, and always be stopping when it's mentioned (in may case anyway) to try and figure how that ever worked and what it means. - "tears of blood again" - boom. Great punch. This chapter is working much better for me than the last. Now there is conflict, tension, J is active (as others mentioned last time). She's allowed to be passive, of course, at times. There was still emotion in the church scene last time and it easily could have worked for me by being cut down and getting to the bar scene quicker. (page 2) - "scanned the crowd, sentry-like" - not sure that sentries scan crowds much, surely they are more about spotting individuals who are where they should not be. - "yer tresspassin’" - Okay, this is a warning, but's what's to stop the townsfolk killing BL for the money? There's no way she can resist them with a whip and a sword. They could easily swamp her. Then, at least they'd have the reward, even if they do still vacate the town. - Also, for me this was the inciting incident. It's the first major thing that has happened in the story. Before this it's been personal encounters that have no larger stakes. - "gasped like a fish yanked out of a stream" - I get the image, but it struck me as an odd simile. The fish is taken away from its ability to breath, whereas L is given hers back. - "rushed forward as much as her wounded leg would allow" - phrasing. A lot of the time the thing that upsets me most is clumsy language. This is wordy, and rushed forward 'as much as' is... 'much' means absolutely nothing in this context: it conveys no emotion and no description. I know this is not a language pass, but still, I think it's worth having in mind to be more economical and effective with the word choice. I'm thinking in terms of something like 'she hobbled towards L'. - The rest of the sentence is all over the place, imo. You don't need to say check, we know why she's going to L. 'right as' - meh. 'a choice few' - doesn't really mean anything. What makes them choice? It's our old nemesis lack of specificity. 'waiting amongst the crowd' - very, very passive, they should be gaping in horror, brimming with anger, not just standing here waiting for the author to tell them what to do. - I just don't believe that she can avoid the quarrels. The implication, rightly, is that a bunch of people all fire quarrels at the WV at the same time. No way she can avoid them all. No way. (page 3) - Greek fire is investing. I've no idea if it's a real thing in some way, but I can suspend my disbelief, BUT, it's the same thing again. How in holey heck did the world turn Greek? It's such a large impediment to me now that I'm starting to concoct my own reason as to how it came about. THEORY #1: An extremely powerful dictator rose to power in 'Murica (our post apocalyptic setting... it's post apocalyptic, right?), and had the power of a brutal military and a privileged elite behind him, and he imposed martial law and decreed that the country would adopt the new religion that he invented, based entirely on Greek culture, and he burned all the churches and synagogs and mosques, and he spent decades eradicating all forms of thought and worship that did not comply with his vision. Then...... he decreed the genetic engineering of mythical creatures from Greek mythology?!?! - "exploded outwards" - redundant, this is what exploding is. Interesting fact: 'explosion' comes from the Latin 'explosio' which means 'scornful rejection', apparently - "flaming bits of the temple rained down around her" - she's so close. I just don't think it's plausible that not a single but of debris hits her. Even if some smalls bits hits her, it would be more believable. Or if a big bit just missed her, but it reads like there's a magical shelter around her. Also, more dramatic if she were to shield L with her body, as L is out of it, as far as we know. - "She was fine" - Seems to me everything that's gone before in this chapter, ending with escaping death from a stone barrage, is the definition of 'not fine'. - "The ground thrummed from oncoming hooves" - style: this is really bland wording, and actually I'm pretty sure is grammatically incorrect. Most importantly though, for me, it ruins the effect of the hooves. I think it's as simple as 'the ground thrummed with the sound of oncoming hooves'. - "trailed dutifully behind" - this doesn't sound like galloping to me: 'trailed dutifully' sounds plodding and slow. - "She halted" - I'll stop mentioning word choice at this point, but my point here is, if the horse is galloping, thundering, etc., it's not just going to halt, it's going to skid to a stop in a clatter of hooves and cloud of dust. I won't mention any more lost opportunities for drama and description and reader immersion. (page 4) - If she's clinging to the horse for all she's worth, I don't believe WV can crack the whip. - "Eventually, she closed up the shop proper, around midnight" - Confused, why doesn't she close up right away if she's not serving drinks in a bar? (page 5) - "who’d taken advantage of her and fooled her into telling them what they wanted to know" - Okay, this might sound, but cross my heart, I almost said at the time that I thought J was being rather free with some very specific information about channellers when she was asked. I felt nervous about it, but not enough to mention it last time. I'm not wholly onboard with her forgiving herself though. I think she was naive, and does not really have the right to absolve herself of all the guilt for this. - "J hated them both" - This we can agree on. I want vengeance! - Odds are not plausible. They're good or bad, high or low. They are also plural. - Ha! Is she going to hire RL? She is, isn't she? We'll get a showdown between the Vamp sisters. I'm up for that. (page 6) - "papers and demands" - I don't understand what these are. Request to use the phones? Confused. - "still, shimmering figures" - Confused. I people are standing still in the booths, how are they shimmering? - Confused: how can she not see the whole of his name? A plaque is a fixed 'sign'. If it's actually a badge, and his arm is across it, you need to call it a badge. (page 7) - "I’m gonna hire the biggest, baddest..." - She's doing it again, saying too much. How has she not learned her lesson? This feels contrived to me. The only reason she tells him is so he can tell the deputies and they can give her trouble, I presume. It feels like the plot intervening to make sure the right things happens. (page 8) - "where an upwards-spiraling-staircase was blocked off by a velvet length of rope tied to two posts" - If you're standing at the top, it's a downwards-spiralling staircase (no second hyphen). Essentially, it's just a staircase. I think the reader will be able to work out the rest. - Iron is not used for soldering. Solder is made of softer metals. I think it's pretty unusual to solder pieces of iron, normally that would involve welding, as soldering would produce too weak a join, I presume. (page 9) - "will bring down enough tourists and nosy-bodies" - Huh? Confused about the tourists, but also, an influx of people would be really good for the town economically. Big money and the ability to charge people through the nose. I would have thought the mayor would be more mercenary. In my recollection, most fictional mayors are all about the income, the cash, and the benefit to the town. Far from driving the town to ruin, I think that only people who could afford to leave their jobs for while and travel to the town would come, and therefore they would have a certain level of disposable income, which they would dispose of in the town. - "taking her intestines and twisting them into a clove hitch" - for me, that's excessive. She'd be prostrate on the floor, imo. - "I just need to convince her of the danger" - Confused: the mayor must know about the danger, because other people heard the threat to clear out. Also, how is the town going to be safe in a couple of days? The BKs are coming and I don't see any mechanism to prevent them. Also, you said it's a small town, where were the deputies during the attack? (page 10) - "I ain’t go no godsdamned clue" - Eh? So what if the answer actually is 'of course'? How do you say that? I don't think J's logic is very reliable here. - "til it runs out" - dead words. Of course it keep going until it runs out. I'm a pretty tetchy individual, as you may have noticed so I'm really not fond of being considered dumb. A school of thought would be that it's J who is treating the mayor as dumb, without realising that she's coming across dumb herself, but however you slice it, someone's coming off dumb here. - Not sure that I know, or remember, what an iron kn is. Ah, is it a weapon? I was thinking for a moment it was another defensive thing, because she was talking about the healing aspect. - "gave her a view of the moon" - this feels out of J's POV, since I'm struggling to believe she's got the same view as the mayor. (page 11) - "severely overestimatin’ the threat" - I think this is a problem. I actually don't feel a sense of threat. I think you could do with playing up a sense of dread hanging over the town. Also, I'm not sure that J's internal logic about the threat really scans. She actually seems very dismissive of it, when she thinks that it might not even happen. What gave her any indication that it wouldn't happen? I think maybe this needs a refresh so that everyone assessment of the threat is consistent, and the dread is ramped way up. I mean how is it that the mayor is more scared of the 'superhero' damage that might occur? I just don't follow that. There doesn't seem to be any kind of defence force to resist the BKs or protect the town, and no reason to think the WV was lying, that I can see. Why did they come into town at all otherwise? - I don't see the point of the mayor pretending to consider. It's overcomplicated. Why not just have the more resist, and J try to convince her? I mentioned over-complication as an issue before and this is a clear example, imo. - "A immediately popped in" - There is no more urgency in this by adding the word immediately. Does it sound less immediate if you drop 'immediately'? (page 12) - "She remembered this" - remembered what? (page 13) - "hadn’t thought were possible on a person" - too much: we've all seen people frustrated before, and stupefied. - The repetition of 'come back' is weird, for me. If they've come back once to see the man-hunter, then they've already come back. Overall Word choice and phrasing needs to be better on most pages to draw the reader in more and deliver the drama. It's a fairly straightforward editing pass really, but worth mentioning, I think. Grammar and typos too, I got tired of highlighting the issues. I'm not capable of ignoring that stuff. The more I read, the more convinced I am that solving the conundrum and convincing the reader about the Greek culture is the key to unlocking this whole story. The more comments I read and the more I think about the more sure I am that the major problems arise from the reader not understanding the world. There's some good plot movement here, and some of J's scenes are fine (with editing), and could be quite powerful and engaging, but I'm not convinced about the two POVs, that we need them both. There's great potential in J to be a disabled main character, and it seems to me that would be an interesting challenge to write, and make compelling. RL's POV? I'm not that excited to go back to it, if I'm honest. <R>

I defer to the Chief Wool Nerd. Hair I've seen burning was all in sustained flame. I agree with the first two points, but I'm not convinced about the third. I think it can work, but you have to provide a completely compelling rationale for why and how this happened. I'm not saying you have to put it in the book, but you have to be utterly convinced that you can provide a compelling case for it if you get into a debate. And, most importantly, you have to do a sht-ton of research to make it a completely convincing Greek-based culture. I think @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon have nailed a form to the shapeless discomfort that I was feeling. Greek names tacked onto straight western culture. I mean, where to the hydras come from, the harpies? It just doesn't hang together yet, IMO. I think the way to convince me is to read a book about Greek daily life and then come back to this story. There is no shame in having a great idea, but needing to develop more skills in order to write it. And also, simplicity and clarity are very compelling for a reader, but the more clutter there is in terms of themes, ideas and departures from 'the norm' the harder it gets to deliver a clear and compelling piece.

Comments. (page 1) - "The entire congregation stood to their feet" - redundant, saying the same thing twice. - "for a different patron god" - 200 different coloured sashes?! Some of those must be very similar, easy to confuse. (page 2) - "like it was a leaving lover" - grammar made me go 'ugh'. I know there's a western parlance, but the narration is in a neutral voice, I think. In which case, I'd suggest 'departing lover' or 'lover leaving', so as not to divorce the noun (lover) from the determiner(?) (a). - "the size of a human head laid" - tense: lay. - "That’d be a lotta dead sheep" - there's a lot of explaining this point. I got it after 'sheep's stead'. It's important to trust the reader to understand. I'll admit I tend towards being a bit obscure sometimes, and not explaining quite enough, but that's because I'm trying not to over-explain, which costs words and is a reader turn-off, imo. - "meager smoke" - disagree: as I recall from science class, hair burns like a mofo, and the addition of whisky will only power that reaction. Big flame. - "The thought brought her little humor" - sorry, I'm pounding the line-by-line stuff here, which is not necessarily helping, but... surely it's 'brought her little amusement'. I don't think humour is what the recipient feels, it's what the source puts out. Could say 'found little humour in it'. - "The congregants’ collective behinds descended back down into their pews" - For me, this is really over-written. They sat down. - I like what's going on with J. I'm interested in the background information that I'm getting, but it's slow. J is the course of interest and conflict because of her ailments, imo. - When I read 'reflux', I'm thinking acid indigestion. (page 3) - "his congregation collectively silently lifting their heads" - Oooh, double adjective? That's way awkward. - "a letter from the front" - the front of what? I don't recall any mention before about there being a war on. Seems very abstract. (page 4) - "nobody in town ever seemed to know exactly where the war was being fought" - This vagueness turns me off. We know pretty much nothing about this war, so why should I care about it? What are the stakes? - black knights kind of bothers me, because there's only one 'k' on the page, so it seems like a conflation of 'black' and 'nights'. (page 5) - I feel like we've never really had much basis for the fear of the BKs, other than being told to fear them. What are their crimes? (page 6) - Ah, so this is J from the early chapter? But did you cut that, or is there a time jump that I don't remember? Suffering a bit from WRS, I think. Her vengefulness is interesting, and when her eye starts bleeding, oooh. Ah, wait, I've been tripped up by a line on Page 1. It's 'nowadays J it was hard for her to make out colours'. I thought she was old, because of all the infirmity, the stick. My bad. (page 7) - "hanging above their hands" - above their heads? (page 8) - "I humbly placate myself" - That's not what 'placate' means, but it's okay for a character not to know grammar. - "droll deliver" - delivery. Also, seems she also doesn't know what placate means. Going back to the last point. While characters can talk wrong, it's not great for the reader to engage with. - "without turning his back from" - grammar. This means he's got his back to the lettuce, and doesn't turn his back away from it. - "We could use the competition" - What?! No!! No business person said that EVER. If they're the only place in town the last thing they want is another eatery to take trade away. I gotta way I'm starting to lose patience with this chapter. - "trying not to lose the frantic rhythm" - if they're chatting away, that's not frantic to me. Frantic to me is playing ping-pong. I didn't get a sense of frantic. Frantic in a kitchen is bad, it implies lack of control, imo. - "an impatient process" - the process isn't impatient, she is. The process would be frustrating, or something. - What on earth does it matter which side the rail is on? It's good description of hero problems with mobility, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't affect the story, so it's just holding the story back. (page 9) - "to the other bars and delis" - but I thought there was no competition? Seems inconsistent. - "She pictured a bird..." - This description felt really quite tortured to me. Why would she imagine this? She's on the ground, she'll never be off the ground in this way. - "That Evening was what she referred that awful day to" - don't understand. (page 11) - "a pair of foxing novels" - What is a foxing novel? Confused. - "disgustingness" - this is really not a compelling word, imo. The repetition is clumsy, for me. - "drinking three different" - I'd forgotten about this. Maybe consider calling it out much earlier in the chapter? - "did nothing to suit her mood" - Not the right word, imo. 'assuage' would be right, but not really in the tone of the story. 'relieve' would be fine. - "hole-in-the-wall equivalent" - equivalent of what? Did you mean example, or type? - "There was just enough tables" - 'were just enough tables'. Okay. That was the last straw for me this time around. I'm not going to mention any more grammar in this one. It's just too rough for that kind of pass. I always start out tagging grammar, because I think it's useful, but maybe not this time around. Sorry. - "punched drachmas" - so, there are coins attached to the wall? They must be tiny. Seems like a odd decoration: you'd need to stand right next to them a peer closely to see the detail. I've seen bank notes attached to bar walls, numerous times, but never coins. (page 12) - "some shut-eye" - Shut-eye?! Really?! Ouch, she's joking, right? She says shut-eye to the girl with one eye? I think I'd take a swing at her. (page 13) - First paragraph has a sentence over five lines long. Real confusing. Main point though, there's good advice about ending your sentence or your paragraph with the important words. So, in the case of the two women, her head being slumped is the powerful bit, surely, not the fact that she's wearing a bandana. And why not just call it a bandana, instead of a strip of cloth tied around her head, which is way wordy? - This bugs me. J is chatting to the cobbler, then the woman butts in, then back to the cobbler, then she starts things about a chicken, and it's all seems so random and I can't see how any of it matters, and none of these thoughts or conversations actually finishes. And then it's actually called out as being stupid and implausible, a chicken as governor?!?!?! Of course it is, you really, really, really don't need to explain that to the reader, and if J needs to ask herself if it's stupid and implausible then... I just don't know what to say here. (page 14) - "ply my eye out of me" - What? This makes no sense to me. Did you mean 'pry'?Why would she think that was the point of the comment? It feels like this weird response in only in there so that we can hear the answer "Spoon would be easier". I feel this is aiming for smart/snappy/sassy, but it's got to make sense if its going to work, imo. - "surmounted from where the sound of her kicks phased through her side of the bar-counter" - This makes no sense to me. Surmounted is wrong: it's 'surmised'. What are kicks? How are they phasing? What does it mean? - Character is tough because they can down a strong drink is a big western cliché for me. I feel like it's low hanging fruit, and yet, somehow I feel it fits the tone of the story, since we've already got the Greek and US culture mash-up. I don't feel that the story is grim and gritty. I find a lightness to the tone that this sort of thing seems to fit with. (page 15-19) - Well, I whipped through to the end when the action started, so that was good. The dialogue between B, A and J was okay, although all the 'ya's got a bit tiresome after a while. - There's some confusion at the end where B is nodding to one another but A's not there, but then L aims at the two of them. - Cliffhanger ending? Meh. Is that the end of the chapter? Certainly I'd keep reading for the reason. If you're going to perpetrate a cliffhanger, go all in, an d I think you did that. If you do it all the time, we'll have a problem though. Overall Frustrated by the writing issues. I'm thinking this is first draft, quite a lot of fixing to be done. It was really slow at the start: took me at least six pages to get any momentum. I do like the potential of this potion and brewing stuff, but I have concerns about how there is also this stuff with batteries going on at the same time. On the Greek US thing, I got no inkling about the background, which I was expecting from your intro. The burning question I have is how did this happen? Who decided that the people of the US remaining after... whatever, were going to abandon Christianity and start following the Greek Pantheon? How did they go about ripping up the constitution (which I presume they've done?) Surely there were religious wars with those refusing to put aside their faith. So many questions, but I'm feeling now that there isn't going to be an answer. I hope this is useful. <R>

Always, always, always, always, always. Oooh, hrrm. Unintended consequence. I'll get onto that. I can soften it a bit, our permit Moth a tactical counterstrike or two. I've tweaked this slightly, emphasising their new no-domes policy, for example, and also definitively taking on the Berlin job on the basis that Row's will be quick. Ha, well you know where that came from Many thanks for reading!!