Robinski

Hey, ID, many thanks for reading! Yes, I will include a more specific 'recap' of the blocking in Q's POV to help as the scene plays out. Cool. Yes, I've changed it as that line is very much 'taken' (Not the Liam Neeson film! The Who line, as SSmooth observed ). I've changed it to "It’s about time. I thought I was going to have to start without you." - I dunno. That's a bit wordy. I'll consider stoping earlier too. Thanks again for the comments, much appreciated!

(page 2) - I've moved over to providing minor comments in the document (tracked changes / comments), and will email those Line By Line comments (LBLs, as we like to call them) back to you, just putting the more significant things in the forum here. - "Even blunted the edge of the blade sunk into both her exposed shoulders and left a deep scratch across the leather shirt that covered the skin between them" - (1) A scratch is a really minor thing, and does not sound very exciting in the context of a sword fight. (2) A deep scratch seems like a contradiction in terms. A scratch, by definition, is a shallow surface injury, I would say. Using the word 'wound' would be more exciting and compelling in the context of a sword fight, I would say. And you can still have minor wounds. - "she’d managed to wound M" - I know you said Mu was a good swordsperson at the start of the piece, but I didn't get a strong impression there was a great gulf of skill between them. This here thought it a good line, and says something about the stakes of the sword fight. I just think there needs to be a better impression at the beginning of the fight that Ma is totally the underdog and it would be really unlikely that she would put a scratch on Mu. We need to know more about the stakes of the fight at the start. Not what the aim is, but what will the fallout be. Is Ma's place in sword school at stake; does she need to win to get to the top of the class, to pass annual test. I just felt there was not that much riding on this fight. - "M sat down frowning..." - Just an observation, I have almost no sense of setting. There was mention of a field, and maybe one of two small environmental details, but I don't now how to picture the scene. I know little about how the characters appear, are they on a parade ground, in a forest clearing, a rolling hillside. It's not absolutely necessary to have these things, but the 'picture' is a lot greyer in the absence of description of the setting. Good writing advice (I think) is you describe details using multiple sense. It's easy to go overboard with description, but like almost everything, it's a balance, IMO. (page 3) - "wondered how he could get these two an Approval" - The thing is, I know very little about the set up. I don't know if they are in military school, a private academy, if they are slaves training to go into the gladiator pit. I don't know enough about the situation to be able to place these references to specific things into the framework of the setting, because I don't know what that framework is. - "four hour period" - Meh. I just don't think that's practical on any level. Most students can't maintain attention for an hour, never mind four. I would think this model would have been a spectacular failure after they operated it for a few weeks. - "could do magic" - This is not history, IMO. History is the study of specific historical events. Yes, they can be examined for different interpretations, but (page 4) - Slipping into present tense at the start of the page is not consistent with the rest of the piece. - "Considering the physical fortitude required to be a caster" - This is the first reference to the fact that anyone wants to become a caster. If they want to be casters, why are they learning swordplay? But then perhaps they don't have a choice. Certainly it sounds that way. I just don't know enough about the set up: where they are; why they're there; are they there voluntarily? I'm getting frustrated at the lack of real, concrete information that I'm given. - "you became a caster" - But, at the start of this paragraph, I believe the wording implies that they are attempting to become casters, not that they are casters already, which seems to be what this is saying. - "There was only one difference, skill in the five elements" - I'm not sure what this means. If it means there is only one thing differentiating the students, well, that can't quite be true, because we've just heard about all their different potential social standings. - "how some people could wear this all day" - Not totally clear. Does she mean wear armour all day? (page 5) - "This was a test for Approval" - Bit confused, as it says in the same paragraph that 'this wasn't the test'. (page 6) - "if I give you Approval to take the test" - Oh, I thought Approval was the ultimate level. - "or even kill you" - I would say that is not really in the senes of disabling, which implies some residual level of ability. (page 7) - "running her mind through what it meant to be a BT" - This comes over as a very deliberate info dump. There is a nicely tense situation here going into this test, and there's a great big chunk of background information that dissipates all the tension. - "Become a force of good" - This is a very noble goal for a character to have, but it's also really, really common trope. For me, it's just not that interesting anymore. "expanded her goals" - Ah, okay, that is a bit better. (page 8) - "make it count when he did" - But if he thinks it unlikely, then the chance are that he won't. This didn't make sense to me. (page 9) - "The long thin blades" - This sentence ids way too long. Needs to be broken up with punctuation, and certainly into two sentences. - "he could use any weapon on the wall" - Eh? I don't think that logic follows at all. If she throws a dagger at him then he can use the dagger, but I don't see how that gives him access to anything on the wall. (page 10) - "like she was no longer a student, but an equal" - Nope. In the first fight that we saw, M had pretty much no skill at all that I could see. I do not believe that just because she knows some old custom this expert fighter and teacher is going to afford her anything even close to parity with him. Moments like this, and it's not a bad moment of connection between two people, but they have to be earned by the characters and the story. M hasn't earned anything, yet, IMO. - "stood in the middle of the field" - I'll note my issue with description and setting again. They are in a field: is it day, night, dawn, dusk? What are the light levels? How can there be a shadow in the corner for the BT to lurk in, if they are out in the open? It's just not possible to picture the scene, but very little detail can give the reader something to go on. e.g. 'Bright, early morning sun bathed they grassy field in gold, the distant buildings setting long black shadows. From one of these, the BT stepped into the light.' Just a few words can give the reader a much stronger visual impression. (page 11) - "perfect shot" - Eh? I don't believe this. Even through sheer luck, I don't believe it. He must be 100 time more likely to hit M and I anywhere else. (page 12) - "The sharp edge of her blade" - But it's been carefully trailed through the chapter so far that the blades are blunted. - "screamed in pain" - How can she do this with blood in her mouth? - "She could see the arrow" - She cannot see anything if someone is repeatedly pounding an elbow into her face. This reads like a movie fight, and that makes it unconvincing, because movie fights are, for the most part, completely nonsense when set against any measure of reality. - "clinging to life" - I'm not sure I really buy this either. - "she could see the sea of arrows" - confused. (page 14) - "it didn’t require any magical healing" - Eh? It's pretty much certain surely that there are bones broken in that hand. Think of all the different bones in your fist. Look at an X-ray of a hand. I don't believe this. (page 15) - "the arm he no longer had" - I don't understand. Was this missing limb described before? I don't remember. I don't think I missed it, in which I really think it needs to be set up before it is payed off like this. - "inhale" - this is a verb, the noun is 'inhalation'. - "You have got my Approval" - Meh. The one thing that saved her was luck, and not even really her's. Rewarding luck seems dangerous to me, because a soldier can't rely on luck, nobody can. Overall There are certainly tense and quite exciting moments in this opening chapter. Sure, there are plenty of editing quibbles, but that's the same for anyone's early drafts, mine very much included, so that is not a criticism, just an observation to keep an eye on them. I also mentioned the set up. The training / trial by combat is a very old and well-used trope. In my opinion, combat tends to be innately boring, and the way to make it interesting is through character and unexpected shifts. I thought you managed that fairly well. I think you need to set up the arrow shot better. I don't luck alone can explain K making that shot. He could shoot for ten lifetimes and never make that shot. It must be a million times more likely that he would hit either of the combatants anywhere else. I mentioned about description. I really think that some scenery, as it were, would serve the piece well. Make me feel that I am in that location, feeling the warm breeze, narrowing my eyes against the low morning sun and smelling the cut grass from the groundskeeper cutting the combat field the day before. It will make those blows landing more convincing, I think. To character then, which is absolutely the most important thing about any story, IMO. Ma is okay, but I don't have enough sense of where she's come from and what her goals are. That does come in small doses through the piece, but I need a reason to root for her from the first line (okay, maybe second or third). Dead parents: it's just the most boring and predictable trope in the galaxy. I bet if someone did a survey, 95% of all protagonists would have dead parents. It's possible to do it, or course, but it doesn't really mean anything anymore, IMO, it's just an excuse for the author not to have to deal with a character's parents, but there are other ways to handle that. Howard Tayler of Writing Excuses espoused the theory of low-hanging fruit, which I think is an excellent and useful one. Too many new authors pick the first thing that comes into their head and move on, but so often that is the most obvious and boring thing. Don't take the first idea-plum, don't take the second one either, reach for the third one, the fourth one; tax your imagination to come up with a more interesting solution for the (in this case) question of why Ma is in this place with no parents support. Ma comes over as a very standard character. She has noble goals to do good. She seems fairly competent, fairly committed, fairly stubborn. Fine, but give us something we've never seen in a character before, or hardly ever. Something different that makes the reader go 'Oh, that's interesting/weird/unexpected', and more importantly, 'I have to read on now to find out how she's going to get through this by being blind in one eye / missing two fingers on her left hand / suffering from Tourette syndrome. LBLs emailed back to you. I think this has scope, but I'd like it to be more investing, more gripping in terms of character. I think it's a decent start though, for an early draft. I hope that these comments are helpful. Sorry for the delay and missing out on the first version

Hi, Mr. Squid, So sorry it's taken me so long to get to your sub. I hope that a fresh perspective (having not read the first version) will be valuable. So, here we go. (page 1) - Straight into action: I like that. Two character names starting with M seems a bit clunky, and... unnecessary? I feel that anything that can be done to reduce scope for confusion is worth doing. - Capital 'P' in Professor Ir, as 'professor' is his title. - "had been partly blunted" - Suggest cutting this. Certainty and exactness are always more compelling than vagueness and doubt. Blunted on its own still works, IMO, and till applies, even if the blade is not totally and completely as blunt as it can possibly be. - "yet remained dangerous enough to entice encourage dodging or blocking" - (1) tense, (2) I'd suggest that 'entice' usually is associated with something nice, so it threw me here rather. - I'm no swordsman, but Ive read enough to be fairly confident that a great sword is not a stabbing weapon, but more of a bludgeoning, crushing, battering weapon, I think. - "in the healers' care" - depending how many healers there are, you need an apostrophe either before (one healer) or after (multiple healers) the 's', because the care is possessive. - "They stood about ten feet apart" - numerals in prose, I believe, are to be avoided. Certainly small numbers, and certainly in a fantasy setting. I think in the vast majority of published fantasy you will see one to ten, maybe even a hundred, maybe even thousands, written as words. I think it's general accepted that is good form, and better evokes a falsity setting in particular. In SF, I think the 'rules' are different, but even then, there's much to recommend using words for small numbers as I think the prose will flow better, and look less like factual / technical writing. - "holding the handle hilt of the blade" - If you're going to write fight scenes, I'd urge you to read fight scenes (many of them) and absorb the technical language that goes with them. It's hard enough to write a compelling fight scene and not end up with pages of boring hacking and slashing, but know the terminology and how to use it is vital, IMO, in order to be convincing and entertaining. Always aim to know more than your audience, I think is probably a sound maxim. That may mean doing a lot of research. - "greatswords" - Okay, I won't go on about it, but you need to use apostrophes where there is a possessive element. Do you have spell check and grammar checker turned on? If not, I would urge you to use them. Even at this level of drafting, you will get better critiques from folks if they are not jolted out of the story with typos (just saying ). - "M who—in mid charge couldn't dodge—got slammed..." - It's worth making some study of punctuation generally, in this case 'n dash' and 'm dash'. I actually like the Wiki page on punctuation, which covers all the family favourites (colon, semi-colons, etc.) really quite well as a starting point. Also, if you looking at trying to get published, I think it's a good idea to start as soon as possible working with correct / accepted publication format. Different publishers have there own particular likes, but this is a good place to see the generally accepted industry norms, I have found: https://www.shunn.net/format/story.html - "the flat end of the blade" - the flat side of the blade, surely? (after page one) - So, I'm going to post this up for starters, and go back to reading the rest. I'll try to stay away from grammar and things, as I think maybe I could spend a lot of time talking about that, and get distracted from the story proper. It's good to get action on the first page. What I would say is that I have, on Reading Excuses alone, read many, many opening scenes that starting with sparring. Training session / basic training / apprenticeship is a really common trope. I think it's lost a lot of its shine because of this. I'll press on with the rest of the submission and hopefully get complete comment back to you before the end of the day. Thanks for sharing! (I would normally critique straight through, but I'm just so keen to get something back you after such a long delay ).

Right. I'll need to think on that too. Any cold-light-of-day comments you have would be very helpful, I'm sure Thanks for reading so quickly!!

I presumed that. Made me laugh.

I'd like to submit on Monday, please, because I've got some cheek after just managing to finish this week's sub today

Aw, poor Duncan!! I've never been a dog owner, but I imagine lots of love is the best medicine?

I'm terribly sorry how late this is. Take as long as you like to comment upon it, and I totally appreciate this may run into next week or whatever. Very sorry More commentary later. Rushing around again. p.s. And it's long too!!! :'O(

Hey folks, sorry I'm so tardy with my critiques and my submission. We went onto home working today, so I hope to get on top of things, although also in the process of trying to sell Mother's flat, and just waiting for the day my daughter is told not to come to work (she's in hospitality). Stay safe, everyone. Take care and stay strong. Let's all sing the Thunder song from Ted, replacing the word 'thunder' with 'COVID', obviously.

Now I can't remember if I expressly said it stopped. In any case, yes, it can definitely plod on while they talk. I'll change it. I felt that WW was right there to intervene, and there as no mention of the sled going away from them so assumed it was still there. That's what I pictured anyway. And, did someone not look over at the Ef? I think En did at one pointing the argument, which implied to me that the sled had stopped. The 'incident' went on for some time, time enough for the sled to get quite far away, I would think.

Hey, killersquid! That's not late. This is late! As is my response to your submission, sorry about that. I'm getting there, I promise. I see that you're resubmitting a revised Chapter 1 tomorrow, so maybe I'll just jump to that, and be able give perspective on the re-write fresh, without being coloured by the first version. (Lazy of me, but potential helpful?) Anyway, on to your comments on the mine, which are very much appreciated, thank you Perfect. Yes, quite! I really appreciate you diving in here. Right, I'll take a look at the wording here. Again, I'll look at the wording. Fair enough. I'll think on that. I agree it looks weird on the page. I never liked that word! but I do feel it fits here. See below. I think maybe I just need to change the emphasis of Q's internal dialogue here. I agree. Edited. No. It was meant as the sharp end of this whole situation, but I don't like it on rereading. It's gone. Good shout. I've done a certain amount of research into the guns in the story, enough, I hope to be convincing, but by this point, I was getting lazy. I'll look to revise this. Thanks. Maybe, and I think it's a case of getting the balance in Q's internal monologue right. I'll look at it again. Excellent. I'll take that! Interesting, and not something I think that anyone has commented on before. But that does not invalidate it at all, quite the opposite I think. I'm going to reread the chapter with this in mind and see how it looks. Thanks very much for the comments, KS. Very helpful indeed, and some interesting things to think about there. Thanks again!

Yeah. I'm looking at different lines.

Many thanks for reading, Mandamon, and for the excellent comments, as ever. Cool. That's entirely reasonable. It's a bit convoluted, I can see that. I'll make some clarity revisions. Also, the numbering, that's just plane wrong. Yeah, I think I will need to work on the rationale for sending them down to Level 6 before they come back up. The reality is that it's a better / more defensible position or rather approach route to Level 5, but that is not presented as a reason. I think the most likely course is me going back to present that as the reason. Ok. I'm totally open to trying a different line. Hmm. I was meaning they were attempting to riddle the group with bullets, but failing because the doors were not breaking. I guess that's not coming through. Back to Chapter 14, when E is attacked by the Mts that come up into the loading back from Level 5, when DM is trying to kill / frame her. Yes. Only if there are any TF here. None of them live here, they live up in the habitats on L5. There is also a line about them all having been released so, in theory, they are not expecting there to be any here. Increasingly, I'm thinking the solution is simply to make this their approach strategy from the start. Because of N's voice appearing out of them unwanted. I guess this did not come across. I will look at it again. Of the situation, but it's not a great line. I've changed it. They're blocked from getting out of the access hatch at the end, beyond all the habitat doors. A human can get through the access hatch. I'll look at clarity. I'm looking at the blocking of all of this section. <first pump> Cool. I'm need to revise the blocking and strategy leading up to this point. Typo! Yeah, I knew you wouldn't like that. My mistake!! Q just started backing away, back towards the access hatch the way they came in. I didn't want to say too much here, but I can see that maybe I've not been clear (on unclear) enough. Will revise the description. Yeah. Fair cop. I'm going to try out some different lines. How about "It's about time. I thought I was going to have to start without you."

Yay! Thanks so much for reading SSmooth! First up, that's awesome Fair point. I think the root of the problem is maybe a big old WRS thingy. Way back in Chapter 3, EM and TT walked down the viewing corridor of the habitats and the description was nice and clear (I think!) that the control panels are not in a separate room, but in front of each window. I guess I'm relying on people remembering that, because I have not really drawn it out here. I think I maybe just need to describe it better (or at all!). The VRs, and the other party members--when releasing MR and TT, access the habitats from the back, the opposite side from Q, the doors where the TF exit to go down the ramp to Level 6, the same narrow ramp that the group has just come up. I appreciate that this is not very clear. I'll see how the others find it (although I suspect I know what I'll find!), and take the revisions from there, but will take an action to tidy up the description of the habitats, their entrance and the viewing controls. True! My mistake. Thanks Ooh. Now, I don't want to be accused of nicking that line, I feel like it's a generic enough line that I can have it too! Thanks so much for the comments, SSmooth. Much appreciated!

I certainly felt this chapter was a win, dropping right back into the action after the end of the previous book. It's a nice bit of colour, just not sure it fits well here. Maybe it could be pasted in somewhere else (later?). Always a pleasure

Comments. (page 1) - "I visit for the wise council of their leader" - 'our leader' I think, to be consistent with the references in the rest of the epigraph. - What is a 'dyhro'? - "undercurrents of conflict" - really? Have seen no evidence of this whatever that I can recall. - "a slip of shell" - I don't understand what she's lying on. - "pistoned against the stone floor" - I struggle with this description. I feel like it distances me from what I'm trying to picture. - "It was only as sophisticated as something used" - phrasing, for me, is off. I feel like a more easily absorbed wording would be in the sense of 'No more sophisticated than...'. - "This was what they had to carry..." - Is it not more that this is what they would use to carry anyone who was injured? It's not just about the Ef, surely? - "trudging past countless columns supporting the ceiling" - goes without saying. - "They trailed courtiers, losing more the farther they went" - Why? Surely not from their pace. They must have to control their speed so as not to cause discomfort or injury. (page 2) - "S rubbed her shoulder" - I thought S had switched gender here. It's long enough since E was mentioned. - "no doubt feeling sensing the sense of frustration" - wordy. - "the voices beneath her surface" - Kinda clunky, I thought. 'voices within' is elegant in its simplicity, IMO. - "I know we will" - I've completely forgotten what he said by this point. - "though it was at the expense of her captivity" - I don't think this is the right sense of this phrase. I feel that the second element refers to something that one has lost, whereas she did not lose her captivity. I think it would be 'at the expense of her liberty'. - 'reaction to the actions' is kind of clunky. - 'I feel there's getting a bit much introspection here. By the end of the penultimate paragraph on this page I'm more than glad to move on to some activity. - I like the description of the city, and the comparison of building materials (but then I would). (page 3) - "to fence the voices away" - fence does not sound very secure, and has holes in it to shout through. - "the caravan used" - I read this as the caravan still existing. (page 4) “This does not fall into the latest estimation.” “What new variables are introduced?” “Different species? Communicable diseases? Should we recalculate transmission map of city?” - Who is speaking these lines? I don't understand. - "your predications and forecasts" - do they means predictions? - "twig-like purple beings" - (a) hyphen, IMO; (b) where are these? Are they relevant? I feel that maybe some of the description is shoehorned in, and maybe distracts some from the matter in hand. (page 5) - "E was reminded of when he had first learned E told S of their species" - Wording kind of confusing, I thought. - "over the face of an annoying and impulsive" - missing word. (page 6) - "He must be picking up enough of her conflict" - This thought it incomplete. I think 'some of her conflict' would suffice. - "like it was with In" - I though In did not have any other presence in him? - "she kept from flinching back" - There's no effort here, which makes it rather remote and uninvolving. Could she fight again or defeat the urge to flinch back? - "I was able to find the music of my being not long ago, like I did in D" - phrasing here is inconsistent. 'like I did' is redundant. - "In bent in from the other side" - This sounds odd to me. Can he 'lean in'? Bending in sounds like limbo dancing or something. - "He is not as worthy as you" - This is kind of vague. Is it not the case that she is worthy and In is not? An absolute like that would be more compelling, IMO. (page 7) - "moving far enough away so S wasn’t in reach" - kinda wordy. 'Moved out of S's reach' would be snappier, more direct. - "both staring at her now, and she fought the changes" - sounds like a run-on to me, as the two statement are not really connected. Could it be 'as she fought...'? - "hunting fish on the surface of a sea" - Hmm, not sure the surface is where the fish would be found, unless using that technique the dolphins(?) use of creating a cone of air bubbles and forcing a shoal of fish up to the surface. But this sounds more like a solitary hunter, which I'm not convinced would work that way. The image does not seem to rely on the fish being at the surface. - "from the sled with V's pale form" - this is a nothing word here; it doesn't convey anything compared to say, 'carrying'. Even 'and V's pale form' flows better, IMO. - I like In's intervention: a tense and compelling moment. (page 8) - "Maybe the leader the Ef mentioned can help" - I feel like the double 'the' here is clunky. - "though he’d never shown it before" - this was a little passive for me, compared to something like 'used the advantage before', maybe. - "You can stay in control" - it sounds like this is a cultured voice, so I feel like a more cultured phrasing would draw that out, like 'You can maintain control...' - "That wasn’t your fault" - What wasn't who's fault? Who is he talking to here? - "Since her emotions surged through her blood" - not sure how this helps her hear In. (page 9) - "I will keep the others away while I can" - Same comment as above. I feel like this different voice should stand out better from the others within her. So here, it might say 'I will keep the others at bay while I can.' - "let her smile pull one corner of her mouth up" - For me, this is overcomplicated and undermines the emotion of the moment/expression. - "The Ef may well be in danger" - Okay, this is my major issue in this chapter, everything else is mechanics. Why did the sled stop? There's no need for it to stop, in fact, I think it's immensely surprising that it did. Why would whoever's taking their leader to a medic, stop for some foreigners arguing? I think it's completely illogical. Overall Good chapter. Again, I don't really remember the previous one, but this feels snappier, fairly clips along, and nothing particularly significant stood out for me until the end. I can see me whipping through these early chapters to get into the meat of the story. I like the reordering. I feel like it's right that the youngsters are presented as the main characters, and the other threads can fit in around them. Nice job

Well, I hope this is better late than never. (page 1) - Good epigraph and strong first line. I like it. - "in another fact" - it sounds a bit to me like WW in is the other facet, and they're speaking on a vid-phone. - "pushed away the stage fright" - yay! - "asked the prophet of the HoT" - maybe there would be some 'WRS' for all readers in remembering that this is WW. - "her mouth open at the collection of strange creatures" - she could be about to eat them, by this phrasing. Can she not just gape at them, or gape in wonder? - "before anything else came through" - it's been sitting open for at least a minute, has it not? Plenty of time for some else to come through while they looked around in wonder, but S has been here before. - "a pop of silver and gold" - I know colours can 'pop' visually, but my sense was that this was meant audibly, which doesn't really make sense, for me. - "via a portal" - this is redundant. we know already it's a portal. - "The Symphony of this f..." - this sounds like part of another paragraph. Didn't flow from the previous line, for me. (page 2) - "With an invasion" - this is a whole page away from the start of the statement and, on first reading, I failed to connect it back to the first line. - "leaned forward from the three legged chair where she held court" - grammar. (a) suggest 'in the chair'. 'from' sounds like she's leaving the chair by leaning out of it. (b) The chair isn't a place in this sense, IMO. I would say 'chair from which she held court'. (c) Is it referred to as a throne elsewhere? I feel like I remember it being referred to as a throne. Maybe in Book 2? Maybe not. - "the way they move seems dangerous" - Meh. I feel like the way they move can imply they are dangerous, but not sure it's dangerous in itself. - "Es’ eyes flashed between the unfamiliar species" - Who's POV are we in? Unclear (from those line). If S's, which I think it is, I'm not convinced he would notice this, since there are more compelling places for his gaze to be, like on the stricken Eff. (page 3) - "S gave the Ef an..." - This sentence is rather cluttered. Don't think 'unfortunately' is needed. - "let others through" - Other what? I mean, I know what, but it think this is chance to convey more threat and peril by being more specific. The El have only been mentioned once(?) so far. - "He had told I..." - this paragraph is a bit clunky for me. There are quite a few clauses bumping around in some of these sentences and I think it hampers the flow, sometimes. (page 4) - "Rather than looking like a band..." - I'd say 'the band'. It is that very specific band, after all. - "thin protrusions that hung down" - 'hanging down' is more immediate, and present, IMO. - "If it were identical" - 'was', surely. (page 5) - "if any more have arrived in the Imp. Several more arrived... before we left" - I always struggle a bit with the geography. Were they not in the Imp when they left. Isn't the Ef's room in the Imp? - "whomever" - This is way formal for dialogue, IMO, and not really in character for S. - "ready to retract his question" - Well, it's asked now. Not sure how he can retract it. I like you can retract at statement, but a question? Interesting debating point! - "the V allowed" - typo? (page 6) - "the sharp sounds and music" - I think one or other, but both clutter the image. - "into a dirge for the city with his notes" - I think this is redundant, and the line is much cleaner without it. (page 7) - I do like this scene where he fails to open the portal. Nicely delivered. I can feel the effort, and the failure. - "the expression on her face was different than the ones S was familiar with" - wordy. I feel like there's a clearer version using the word 'recognise'. (page 8) - "beginning to gain volume again" - I'd say they always have volume. This is their volume increasing. - "Two L floated overhead" - This sentence felt odd. It doesn't seem to perform any function other than colour, and this does not seem to be the place for colour. - "Far too close to open a portal" - Hang on, so they should have known that there was no way the portal would work? Surely the first thing one thinks about when opening a portal is the two end point, but neither of them thought of this? - "Though the inside does obey the laws of physics" - awkward phrasing, for me. I think "The laws of physics hold within the N" puts the emphasis in a more appropriate place. - What is an intrusive pattern? (page 9) - "S was cut out from their trio for the first time in months" - Eh? Surely he was cut out several times, when In was in captivity, then when En went to rescue him and was captured. (page10) - "In fact, I think..." - This ran kind of clunky, to me. (page 11) - This past page with En's outburst, and then the reaction of the others to it, there's something off for me, something that felt odd in the reactions, and actions. I guess it just didn't quite flow. En's anger springs from almost nowhere, I felt, and then disappeared. That may be her new normal, but it's quite difficult to absorb as a reader. - S's anger, it rings a little untrue to me. He's talking about extremely able maj. Surely they can be expected to look out for themselves? Although, he did save the day last time. I think my doubt at his anger is exacerbated by the fact that En just had a blow up, and this feels rather weak by comparison. (page 12) - "She directed this last at S" - I don't think you need this. I think it's clear who she's speaking to. (page 13) - "S pushed down the panic of being the center of attention" - Surely the Ef is the centre of attention? No way everyone's looking at S, surely. Overall Much better version of this chapter. Honestly, I don't remember so much of the previous version, however this felt pretty clean. Nothing greatly out of place, and full of interest, tension, and a decision to move in a particular direction. The thing that threw me actually was the last event. The Ef collapsing feel odd. They are going to see the Ari anyway, then she collapses and they need to take her to the ari. It feels to me that the arc of the chapter is already complete when they make that decision, and the Ef's collapse is an unnecessary addition, an adjunction that loses all impact. It feels kind of like an afterthought, IMO. Good stuff though. That last point is by far my biggest concern.

The long-standing members of the group tend to critique everything. That's our choice. You absolutely do not need to give critiques if you're not seeking one in return. If you want to have one or two in the bank, that's cool. We don't keep score On the other hand, if you're enjoying something and just want to read to see what happens next, go ahead. We're pretty relaxed about these things. The only time we get a bit shirty is if someone is subbing and not giving the critiques that they should. It happens very occasionally, but you'll never find the bodies (You know I'm joking, right?) p.s. So, yes, to answer your actual question, everyone still receives everything. The sub system is not that sophisticated.

Hey SSmooth, thank so much for reading. Awesome, but yes, you're not the first to raise this. I'm taking a note to clarify the rationale for pipe vs. gate vs. climbing the fence. I think I might need to trace it back to Kr's borrowing the YSD SUV. We don't see Q lifting the onesie packet, we only learn about him doing it when he produced it for M. I can see a future CSI onesie having protective properties, such as from accidental electrocution, which could be used in climbing the fence (which is electrified). All needs to be tightened up, I agree. Responded to ID thus: Ah. That's a slightly different perspective again. I've certainly changed the blocking up already, but will look at this too. (Now tagged.) Yes. And at least for the next couple weeks, I should be able to read subs on time! :-) Well, I just about made it okay last week (give or take a couple of days), and I really want to keep on schedule now that we're in the final run-in. Thanks so much for commenting. Much appreciated

Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading and commenting. Excellent. Sorry about the long (days plural) journey into night, but I got there in the end!! Thanks for your patience Yes, the blocking at the end definitely is an issue and I've sought to clear it up. Oh, 'stiff', yes, that's definitely better than my sub of 'ditch'. Thank you. Maybe WRS, but I've changed it anyway, as you're not alone in not having it to mind. Cool! I'll take that disorientation as acceptable under the circumstances. YES!! Of course he should. Definitely. Excellent call, thank you for this. What I *love* about it, through complete coincidence, is that the last letter is 'Z', which brings to mind reference to the movie Zulu where forces are completely outnumbered by defending hoards (putting aside the unfortunate colonial connotations, cough). It's M, she loves a 'pop' culture (or should that be historical?) reference, as you know. See above Completely fair to challenge this, of course, and it was in my mind as I sent Reed and Sue out into the dark. I might add a tag about it being a hopefully diversionary tactic to buy a little time (hopefully), but not at all guaranteed to succeed. Great comments. Thank you!

I'd like to submit on Monday, please. I'm almost done, I promise!! No probs here with 5,500 words, @Mandamon.

Hey, Sarah, thanks so much for reading. Hurrah!! And I didn't!! (for once...). Excellent point: I love this. 100%, unequivocally, unarguably correct. I will change. It was my pleasure!

Hey, Kais, thank you so much for reading and commenting. That's good! Yes, accepted. I've tried to clarify this blocking issue. The soldiers 'appear' in the outer reception area with two pairs of 'glass' doors between them and our heroes. They open the first set of doors, but the second set don't open, hence the (intended) use of guns to try and shatter them. It's a Gen Ex security feature. Awesome. Right. I mean, while not knowing that, I know where it comes from. From limited research it 'seems' that the predominant usage is still in the original sense of the word. I'll see how it plays across all the crits, but I'm open to changing it to something else that gives the same impression as common (I think) usage of being cheated. In fact, I'm trying 'ditched' instead, but it doesn't have the same sense of being tricked, so I think it's inferior. I did. Ta. Oops. Thanks. Perfect. Chekov's beast. Just don't leave on on your mantlepiece! I'm cool with that. <3 Thanks. Change to 'increasing', because it's Q| (= Mr. Flowery Mouth). Cool. Replaced with 'too tired for subtlety'. I'm really pleased this worded for you. Onwards and upwards!! Thank you again

Sorry! Forgot I had only quite up to your overall impression. So... p.s. Perfect. It's a very useful perspective. Ah, yes. Explained above in my response. I think the rest will be okay with it, as it was well established for them that it was a CSI onesie. ...and M is, fourteen, but almost fifteen!! (Her birthday is January, 23rd). My mind is properly boggled. Thank you so much, this is really awesome motivation and encouragement. It's not all wine and roses to get to this point of (largely) unrestrained action. As long-time readers might tell you there has been quite a bit of travel to get here to Yellowknife (from British Columbia), and chapters where the action was probably insufficient in terms of pushing momentum, but it's really encouraging to know that the end has started well. Thank you again. p.p.s. Your critique style is perfect, IMO.

And second welcome! Excited to get your perceptive here. And I doubly appreciate you reading at the deep end here. Critique formats have tended to converge, but please don't feel tied to it. Also, I find sometimes that page numbers do not exactly align due to documentation formatting and UK vs US page dimensions. Still, it is helpful, and thank you Excellent! The onesie is actually a crime scene, white CSI-type overall, which you totally get in the previous chapter, but not here. So, the image you have is maybe not quite the one intended, but I'm glad you like it!! I am absolutely getting something from it, thank you! Good instincts. @Mandamon didn't twig TF and he's been reading from the start. It's a compound or portmanteau word that start with Terra, in the way of Terra-forming, and ends with Fauna, the sense being scientists making new animals out of the genetic material of various other species. I've spelled it out, because it's been a while since it was mentioned previously. Awesome! It means a lot to hear someone say that who has just picked up chapter 27 Yus <fist pump>. Ah, yes. This comes from the previous chapter(s). All I can do is ask you to accept just a little more madness and keep going The VLs were Brough to you by the same people who engineered the TF. They are really just a highly bespoke variant of TF, one that started with a well-defined template. It was. I thought I could get away with that given it's in her POV, and she starts the paragraph. Close enough! InGen / John Hammond / JP variety all the way. Circa 2m tall. Perfect! 'Everybody' seems to luv M. Q, unfortunately for him, takes the role of the straight man ( ), almost always, which tends to mean he's rather in her shadow in terms of colour, but I like to think together they are more than the sum of their parts. There are numerous POVs in the book. Mostly Q, then M, then some bit players like E, DM, Kr. Awesome. Pleased these things are clear. Nope. It's a M-stylee play on words: pogrom /ˈpɒɡrəm,ˈpɒɡrɒm/ noun 1. an organized massacre of a particular ethnic group, in particular that of Jews in Russia or eastern Europe. She's from Italy originally, so being in the heart of Europe, it's definitely a word she would now if she was studying history (which she is, she's 14 and in secondary education). I hope this is 'Nooooo!' in a good way? I try to follow the approach (espoused, in part, by Mr. Sanderson) that cliffhangers are okay in moderation and have their place. I know Brandon advocates delivering the punch, and then playing out the aftermath in the next chapter, and I think I do that too, sometimes. This was really helpful, and it's very encouraging to know that someone can dip in to the story (certainly near the end anyway) and get enough to be keen to keep reading. Thanks for much for your comments, @Snakenaps