Robinski

Hey, Sarah, so pleased to have your comments, as always! Only one more sub to go this coming Monday, assuming I get my 'act' in gear. I am still working. That's good! There's one more chapter, then an epilogue to go. I've got quite a bit to do to the chapter. Might be Tuesday before I get it posted. The epilogue though, I'm going to post as-is, I think, because I've actually been over it numerous times, because I just love it Yup - when editing goes bad Thanks. More is coming! One more chapter to go I'm afraid not. It was actually me just completely blowing that from a storytelling viewpoint. I dropped that in an earlier draft and just completely glossed over it when editing this time. I need to change one of the scenes in the next chapter big style. (More than one, in fact.) Very helpful comments, thanks, Sarah

Hey, thanks so much for reading. Interesting, and yes, I can see that I might need to deal with that now rather than just leave it hanging. Not sure I'll say anything more than that at this stage. Noted. I'll come back to this one too after you've read next week's submission. Ooh. That's a good idea. I don't have that presently, but I think I will put that in the next chapter. Good shout! Yes, typo. The past really. I've underlined it. I've hung a lantern on it at least. The authorities were mobilised against the building, so these guys were not far away. Bad editing on my part. Tidied up now. Yeah, I've changed the emphasis here, and introduced more doubt in E's reactions/body-language. On a logical level, I agree, but I'm aiming for Q being in a maelstrom of self doubt about now. I think I'm happy enough with the reader sitting there saying 'It's not your fault, Q, it's the old man.' Noted! I worried that it was too on the nose, but it's just soooo good, and I feel I can get away with it, because m calls it back to N using that one (best known) line from Shelley's poem. And it is, so often, used in the wrong context, without the irony that is absolutely central to the full piece. Actually, there is what might be considered a companion piece (although much lessor in stature--meaning no disrespect to the author--on Blogspot somewhere, called Ozymandias Replies. Really quite clever, apart from one word, that I hate. Great comments, thank you so much. I've taken at least one, more like two ideas from them, which is great!

I'm sorry to labour this. I'm still missing something. So... no, wait! I get it. The Ef makes 67. Pah, I's a doofus.

Ouch! Glad you're still here

Always, @kais, always. Excellent. I'm glad to hear this. Although, heh, well... I'll be going on to the next set of comment tomorrow, and my trepidation is through the roof, because I know there are things not right about it, several, numerous. The ending chapters need the most editing, easily another three or four goes, I'm sure. Yeah, as in my responses to Mandamon, I need to retread the whole N through line for consistency, although I hope not to lose his maniacal mindset, I think there is too much inconsistency and it's just plain confusing in places. Hard agree. *** Warning: response contains adult humour. Click away now if you are easily offended *** I dunno. I seemed like a good idea at the time. I might cut it. Yeah, me neither. Probably a good two or three typos there. Okay. Correct response, carry on. Yes. I've trimmed it slightly, but the whole thing needs tidied up in another complete go through. <nods head> It did rattle his teeth, but maybe this did not come across clearly enough. Isn't she just so much fun? I feel like I could write her forever. Super comments. Thank you very much. Extremely useful, much appreciated

Hey @Mandamon, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I have been so grateful for your comments all the way through, and not sparing anything that needed to be said. I have complete faith that this chapter will be no different! Check. Again, like KillerSquid, I think you've hit an excellent way of expressing one of the major issues. Right, this is great stuff, very, very helpful. I can certainly go back and better define Q and J's relationship in earlier chapters. In relation to N's motivations, I was trying to reveal them subtly <cough> through the chapter to have the reader work out what was going on, but maybe that is not working, or maybe I just need to pull forward the reveal. The potential problem with that is it sours what I hope was a kind of crisis moment when M shoots N, which I thought should come close to the understanding of N's purpose. I don't know. I think I'm going to have a lot to puzzle over with this chapter. It is the critical one where everything comes to a head, as it were, and I totally accept it needs to be better, stronger, tighter, etc. Right. Hmm. I've certainly had that comment before, and I think I added a reference to him much earlier in one of E's POVs, although it's really only an aside. I could add more of him earlier. Okay, I might need to tune that, but it may not be inconsistent with how emotional N is, how spiteful? I'll think on it. I've tweaked it to make N less hysterical here. Interesting point. Maybe I need to go do some genetic research to try and justify why that wouldn't work, but I'll see how many people latch onto it first, I think. I mean, I could say that Q is father more in an emotional sense. Certainly both N and he have accepted that. J and Q had a healthy relationship before, so there was certainly enough of Q's genetic material around for her to obtain some for the purpose of insemination. I've tried to dial that up a bit. Excellent! Clarified. She didn't ever see him. No cameras, just rumours and warnings, and the protocol. She didn't. I've softened this a bit. Ick is good. I need to do some rewriting of the next chapter as it is not picking up all that it should of the fallout from this one. Right. I have watered way down (to one, I think) the stuttering, halting juxtaposition references to 'N... no, it... no, N' kind of thing, which I hope will make it easier. I've kept the N/M thing thought, and there are still instances of both he and it. I'll pick it up again in the next edit. I was shooting for a clear revenge lust against the old man. I've added something to make that clear. I hope I've improved this by adding more Q feels. I've tried to de-ham this, but leave the portent and threat. Not sure. I'll need to read it back a few more times, The sudden darkness. I've reworded. Not exactly. Right. I'll look to reword the 'talk down' speech once I've rounded up the other reactions. Well, more like she presented him with N and he left. The details thereafter are a little vague, although there is reference in TMM to divorce, from memory. Good, good. I'll do this. Yes, this has always been confused on the page. I've got numerous flags out to go all through the draft and tighten up N's motivation, but here more than anywhere. I have tweaked this particular line though, for consistency. Ah, artificially aged in the vat, and it's mentioned earlier that there are grow boosting processes available (no doubt extremely unpleasant). Oops. That's no good. Changed. Yeah, I will tidy the whole through line of the chapter up. I need to better show that Q has worked out what N wants, and what that is. Accepted. I need to retread the whole chapter in this respect. Fantastic comments, thank you so much for reading, @Mandamon!! Much appreciated

This is just an FYI, in case anyone is interested in the other group that I am a member of, but the Glasgow Science Fiction Writers Circle has put out a charity anthology for which all proceeds (in other words pretty much everything) goes to three charities, two in Scotland and also Medicine Sans Frontiers. I missed the boat on contributing because I had not been on there for a few weeks what with work, and things going haywire, etc. I feel suitably rotten about that, so trying to poke some traffic in that direction. No pressure at all whatsoever though Take case everyone! http://flotationdevicebook.co.uk

Hey Sarah, thanks so much for reading and commenting. Yes, okay. I was going the the beast angle, and why would a beast wear clothes? But if it's jarring with the logic of the situation, or at least how it's expressed, I'll need to deal with that. On the other point: too many facts... in terms of too many descriptive details, I think? I'll need to re-read again, armed with everyone's comments, of course, this one included. Cool Hero death, do you mean D? Yeah I think there is more tuning to do at the end here than anywhere else, I haven't got on to the comments about the next chapter, of course, but I can already sense... I'm not sure what. I'm totally willing to accept that this is ending is not tuned correctly yet. Really appreciate the comments, thanks Sarah. Very helpful

Good points here, all noted. I'm scribbling furiously. Another good point. Right <scribble>. So, it's more the buy-in with Q's feelings/reaction? Hmm, okay. Me too! Thanks so much for this. Very helpful

Hey, KillerSquid, I really do appreciate you commenting in view of you jumping in here at this late stage. Totally accepted, but I still value your comments as a piece of writing if nothing else. I like this analysis of it, and I agree, I can see that as I think about it, recalling editing it. I like what you say about not being anxious and waiting for the tension. I think that's a good way of expressing the problems. Very helpful, thank you. Okay. I must admit it's not something I think about when I'm writing, not consciously or in those terms anyway. I'm glad the style works better for you hear, but I will not overlook this when I edit the previous chapter. Oops. Thanks! This is good, because its an important part of the chapter, of course. Pacing, anxiety and tension I can work on. Great comments, thank you so much, KS, much appreciated

You've got it! Love the diagram. Maybe I should get one done up for the cast of characters section. To make it even more complex, the Eff sits with the other speakers in a circle for the appearance of equality. And yes, no accreditation. I'm imagining that book is like a high school textbook or something. I picked the first, and therefore automatically the worst possible pen to do that! Textbook, yes, perfectly logical. Awesome 6 members of the Council. The Eff counts as #67! So, there were 5 names including the Ef, were there not? And Man makes 6, which is why I thought they were one short.

I'd like to submit on Monday too, please. My last submission of TCC!!!

Right then, comments. (page 1) - Hmm, no accreditation / citation for authorship of the work quoted in the epigraph? Also, I feel like I would like a diagram. (Excuse the crude rendering). So, it's something like this? - I love the first paragraph. "M strode out..." yes, I am here for M striding places. I think the word 'phalanx' nails the visual impression, the image, and finishing on the colour, and throwing us one other name is a great balance of image and information. Great start to this chapter. And there SoTH, of course. LOOOOVE SoTH. - "The seats above were largely empty" - I struggle with this a bit. If the capacity is 110,000, 'largely empty' to me could still mean there were 10,000 people there. It sounds from the description like it's maybe closer to 'almost completely empty'? - Thank you for the reminder of why they are here, and why they took the risk of creating an illegal portal. If anything, the higher up the page this reminder comes the better. (page 2) - Suggest "Some of the other maj had ranged out" - I don't think they would wait this long to range out. I think they would have started ranging out much closer to coming through the portal. These are intelligent, motivated people,. I imagine they would be confident and pretty independent, not kowtowing to Man all the time, in the smaller things anyway. (page 3) - "but this time there was no one to initiate the reaction" - I don't follow. They are here, the Council are here. (page 4) - "though if those were to bite anything, they might take as much flesh from the creature as from what it attacked" - I like the new(?) description of the creatures very much. I like the thought of them as centipedes, which I think are scarier than the other form (as I remember it). - "Another one" - but there were two emerging, were there not? Yes, it then says 'creatures'. - “Help her!" - I feel there is an inconsistency in this paragraph. 'He didn't care for the head of Strength, BUT the Council had seen the creatures before. These are not opposite things. I think this is a run on sentence then? Or some kind of splice. - "The rest of the Council hadn’t moved" - At first, this sounded unlikely to me, but I could believe it if it's because they've seen these things kill before. - "ran across the floor" - This is lame. I need to feel the threat, the danger, the murderous intent. (page 5) - "wall of air dripping with condensation springing up in front of him" - I did not associate this as coming from him, not until I read past it. - "had only an instant of relief" - I struggle there with the thought that there was any relief to be taken here. It seems a very small thing that this wall blocked the beast. - Oh, no! I actually was feeling something for the young Lob, even though he wasn't even named. - "and—now that the threat was gone—he turned" - I suggest some confirmation that they way is clear is needed here. I know both the creatures are gone, but I think it's worth underlining that the mood has changed, or at least the urgency level has. - Ha-ha! Well, I don't know now whether my suggestion above heightens the tension by misdirecting, or just causes confusion. Take your pick. (page 6) - "but as then it twisted, reaching impossibly upward" - I don't understand the phrasing here, in the first part, and then why is it impossible for it to reach, the one earlier did? - "defense and offense" - this sounds like the sporting term, and I think 'attack' has more agency to it, more positivity in response. (page 8) - "dissolving a measure" - What is a measure, in this context? I can't picture this. - "That leaves H and J" - that makes 5 total, but are there not 7 members of the Council, in order to get to the total of 67 delegates to the assembly? - "we can make a prison for it" - This sort of sounds like the same idea that K and M just had. (page 9) - "They’ve got it" - Yay! that was a cheering moment. Nicely done. It felt really difficult, but not impossible. I like the modified take on battling with the creatures. - "Perhaps the palace of the E" - They move on awful quickly from this moment or near success then, not success. Some acknowledgement would be nice. (page 10) - "the Imp was quiet, far more than usual" - Ha! Strange resonance with our own strange times. - "The solid buildings and multiple levels of commerce made lights on their walls necessary even during the middle of the day" - I don't really follow this. (page 12) - There is a very nice run up to the end of the chapter with M's introspection and self-judgement, BUT I feel it's let down by the last couple of lines, which don't really have any moment to them. I would seriously consider ending on 'the Eff', and let M's thoughts of failure and dereliction echo with the reader. Overall Nice job here. I like this version much better. I think with a bit more tweaking it will be very suitable as Chp 3. LBLs to follow. <R>

Ah, yes, same here, like an electoral ward, for example. I did not think of that when I read 'medical ward', as I'd never thought of 'ward' in that way. We have NHS regions, I think, here in the UK, or a GP practice would have a catchment, I think, in the same way a particular school would have a catchment (district).

Right. I must try harder next time!!

This is so cool!! I feel like I deserve a healthy doze of those snarky comments

Comments. Sorry they're so late. (page 1) - I like the epigraph and it reads nicely. The phrase 'medical ward' is throwing me off though. If it's a ward, it's medical by default, IMO, so that phrase reads like tautology to me. - I struggle with the phrase 'In stopped with S and his sister'. I don't think the sentence scans right, because the reason for him stopping is separated from the action, but there's no need for that. - I'll email some LBLs. (page 2) - "more similar to those in the Im" - more similar than what? Ah, okay. Mm. - "mounds of their caravan off in the darkness" - Not a clear image, IMO. - "didn’t believe he’d ever see another community of A" - Kind of vague. I'd like this to be more certain and therefore more compelling. - "They were not as another species, but as themselves" - Again, unclear. Missing word? (page 3) - "They have won every single vote in the last several centuries" - This seems irrelevant to the present situation, which is super tense! - There is a lot of exposition about gender here. Very important, I have not doubt, but it starts to sound repetitive and it's getting in the way of the tension. V is lying injured, may be dying, and In is caught up in his own intellectual meanderings. (page 4) - "joining as they walked" - how does this help? Too many cooks springs to mind. - There's an Automatica assumption in the wording that a different scent from Meth would be unpleasant. I don't think 'though' belongs there. - I enjoy the description of the Ar, very good, the eye colours especially make them feel very different. (page 5) - "nodded back affably" - Still don't see how this is helping. - "dragony" - I see the point, but I'm not keen on the word. For some reason, 'dragons' sounds classier to me. - "Can we help her when we get to the medical center" - This is a real nothing question, to me. Of course they can, otherwise why take her there? Or, on another level, who knows? Probably not M, since he's not a medic? (page 6) - In the space of two paragraphs, In says the same thing multiple times, about there being a connection / link / resonance / echoes / feedback between the two dia. - deposit > repository (page 7) - "didn’t even remember his other instance" - repetitive of an earlier comments, I think. - I think the expression 'Little wonder' is used when something specific happens or is done by someone for a very specific reason. This comment however, to me, is far more general a broad reaching. The phrasing sounds off to me. - "and to history long forgotten" - How can information be vital to forgotten history? It can't affect the history now. (page 9) - "accident" - this is a very tame and quite inaccurate word for what happened to their family, surely. (page 10) - "He broke off for a moment, swallowed, then continued" - I guess this is him feeling the weight of the Ar war, but I don't think it comes off that well, and just wrecks the flow of In's dialogue here, IMO. (page 12) - "she gestured with all three arms" - gender typo? (page 14) - "that might be needed" - what might be needed, the surrender of notes? Unclear, IMO. (page 17) - I think In's rationale for he and En staying in this facet was good, much clearer and easier to accept than previously. S's agreement however, I though, came too easily, without any real consideration of the duty that he might owe to the people he left behind. Overall I thought this was much better than the way things were laid out before. I think bringing the chapters together works, although I'll need to read more to understand how things fit together now. Still, this flowed much better for me than the previous version. Good job. LBLs in the mail. Cheers, R

Hello all, I hope you are well and safe, and able to use any enforced layover to unleash the creative juices in a bid to remain sane!! If you don't have that time because you are on the front line of this situation, I salute you, and send you best wishes. Here is the penultimate submission of TCC. In terms of word count, I could just about have sandwiched the last two chapter and the epilogue into one submission of circa 5,300 words, but I just can't edit fast enough to do that and get something out close to Monday, so, here's a short one, with a final chapter a epilogue to come on next Monday, all things willing. Many thanks for reading, and for any comments that you may have to offer. Much appreciated. Best wishes, Robinski (p.s. 14 pages and circa 3,800 words to go after this!! )

Sorry, I just noticed that I did not finish this thought! What I meant to say is that it felt they were discussing applications of magic, rather than what I would think of as historic events (like the Battle of Hastings, or something like that).

Sorry again, Squid. I had not sent them after saying that, but I hope you got them when I sent them through last night (GMT).

Yes. I certainly have done in the past, and I agree it can be challenging to receive critiques, and difficult to decide how to them. I think starting this thread was an excellent idea, KS, and I applaud you for doing it. It's something we've dealt with before as a group, but having as a dedicated thread makes a lot of sense, I think. Some points, as they occur to me: (1) - Critique is opinion: I think the first thing to remember is that the views one receives on a piece are always the opinion of the critiquer (I know, not a word, but I don't think 'critic' carries the right connotations here). The opinions one receives might be wrong, or the issues might be right, but the assessment of it unhelpful. I think the thing to concentrate on is when a number of people raise the same issue. I think that's a clear sign to a writer that numerous people are finding this or that aspect problematic; (2) - Making revisions: My approach to this, for what it's worth--particularly if I struggle to accept what a majority of people are saying--is to make a small change, rather than a sweeping change. Now, that might not be possible if the comment is something like 'This whole character is unconvincing'. That's a root and branch thing where changes would have to run through a whole book, probably, but those changes don't need to be massive. If I got a comment that a character's inner voice was unconvincing or not interesting, I might try to add a single pithy or subtle comment on each page, maybe only a few words, just to elevate the voice, without ripping the whole novel apart. There will always be another edit. Books take many edits to reach a point where they in a state to be submitted to an agent or publisher; (3) - Motivation: I have struggled with this on occasion, and I've been on here for almost seven years. And I don't mean I've struggled with this seven years ago. I've submitted material that I thought was really pretty good, and received some downbeat reviews, a majority of people highlighting problems that I did not see, leaving me quite depressed about my work, recognising that they were right and not knowing what to do about it. There have been a couple of occasions where I have walked away from the forum for a spell (maybe a week or two), because I did not want to face the problems with the project, and felt hard done by, even resentful. This leads me onto... (4) - The Group: Having been here for seven years, the long-term members of the group know each other pretty darn well. We have met in person, we converse off forum, we have been reading each other's work for a long time, and we have learned in that time how to take critique. Some members come and go, but there has always been a strong group of committed writers--of 'all' levels progress in the industry--who are committed to their own writing and committed to helping others improve. I think I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times that we have had problem members, whose critiques have had something of an agenda to them, and they do not last long. So, you can always expect an honest, straight-up opinion about your work. These opinions, I strong believe, always come from a place of honesty, support, and commitment to the quality the work and to helping writers improve. (5) - Writing: It's hard, it's difficult, it's challenging, and--unlike what a lot of people on the outside might think--it is not a solitary occupation. I believe that anyone who thinks they can write in a microcosm and produce an excellent, balanced, appealing novel that can be tweaked a bit then typeset and published is most certainly not being realistic. For one thing, it takes a lot of practice to hone the skills and insight and voice to produce work that might be considered for publication, maybe, after it's been submitted and edited and resubmitted again, and again. I'm not published. I'm still working on that (time is still a massive challenge for me), but I strongly believe I am in a massively supportive and positive and encouraging place that will help me to make that happen. (6) - Improvement: Subbing to a group like, as honest and encouraging (which I think it is) as this, can be a reality check for some folks. I think it is absolutely necessary to take in advice from other sources, like Reading Excuses podcast, of course; or one like the Death of 1,000 Cuts podcast (which I like), or Dave Wolverton's writing newsletter (he taught creative writing to Brandon Sanderson and Dan Wells). Many others are available. I think beginning writers (certainly me, anyway, back in the day), maybe tend towards thinking they are better than they are, through no fault of their own, because they have not been exposed to the writing community, to the feedback, and to more experienced writers who have published (like Kais, Mandamon and Shattered Smooth in this instance). Impartial, external advice is so important for any writer to improve. (7) - Thinking as well as writing: This is something I am terrible at. I get the spark of an idea, flesh it out a bit and dive in, to the novel, the chapter, whatever it happens to be. I am trying much more now to think about what I am trying to achieve by writing something. Okay, it will fill a particular space in genre or in the stuff I have 'finished' (i.e. got the end of and now in hiatus awaiting the next edit), but what is the purpose of me writing something? Is it to improve on a particular weakness in my skills, am I aiming at a particular market, or submission or competition? I think most beginning writers set out, whether they realise it or not, on some level just to see if they can do it, i.e. complete a novel... (8) - Finish it: ...but, sometimes, I think maybe beginning writers don't have the skills or experience or commitment to get through that first novel. We've certainly seen dozens come and go. In my time here there have been circa 115-120 authors come through the group, but there are probably only maybe 10 active at present. I think it's important to recognise that writing is a skill, as well as a calling / passion / need, and that commitment to writing means recognising that we might not be good enough at the start to write a best-seller out of the blocks, and that our first novel is likely not to be particularly groundbreaking, or even well written, but that the important thing is to finish it, learn how to do that, then move on to the next one, which will be better--guaranteed--because of the wealth of learning involved in finishing the first one. (8) - Writers write: It's rather a cliché but, like most clichés, that's because it's true. I think what the phrase also means is that writers keep writing, even though it's hard and they have doubts about the quality, logic, whatever, of what they are writing, but because they need to finish what they are writing. Maybe they come back to it to edit, or even finish it, but they keep going, keep writing, move on to something different, more challenging in order to learn different skills, but they keep going. So, sorry about that outpouring of... whatever that was. I really hope it does not come across as pompous, or opinionated. It is 100% not supposed to be that, and that's not where it came from. It was meant to be encouraging, and I hope some of it is. Goodness knows I'm not the world's gift to anything, but I've been working at this writing lark for about 35 years (not constantly, and not always hard), so I like to think I've got some experience to share, of one particular journey at least. I don't really have a claim to fame, but just for context on the above rambling, I've written 6 novels; 13 short stories; 2 novellas; and 3 novelettes, and I'm still trying, still planning. Last year, one of my shorts was long-listed for the James White Award, administered by the British Science Fiction Society and it still feels like my crowning achievement. I really hope to continue to read your stuff. I am always concerned that I am not sufficiently positive when I'm critiquing, I admit that. I tend to home in on detail, and maybe not say enough about big picture, but there are others on here who are better at that than I am, and that's what makes us a strong group, I think. I liked a lot about your submission. I didn't see how much it improved from the first version, but plenty of people said it was a good improvement, and I trust their opinions implicitly. I have heard numerous agents say that it's vital to edit things until you don't think you can make it any better. I know for me personally that would be five, six, seven edits, whatever, probably after different feedback each time. My current project, TCC, has been through this group three times. The first time it was only the first chapter, then the first 8 or 9. Now it's going to go all the way though (the novel wasn't finished when I subbed the first chapter, or the first 9 chapters). Next, I hope to get an alpha read of the whole thing. Then I'll edit again. What I'm saying in my looooong-winded way is that we are here to support you and will be happy to openly discuss not just the details in feedback, but the wider issues of dealing with feedback, improving skills and the piece itself, and anything else that comes along the writing journey. I for one would be very happy to have an extended conversation about dealing with feedback. So, thanks again for raising this, I think it can be really positive and useful discussion for all of us. Very best wishes, Robinski p.s. I thought some inspirational quotes might be in order. "Read, read, read. Read everything -- trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window."--William Faulkner "A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann, Essays of Three Decades "Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."--Franz Kafka "Writing books is the closest men ever come to childbearing."― Norman Mailer "If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it." -- Elmore Leonard

It might be MRS, or even YRS! You're all right, of course, the blocking is not clear enough, and I undertake to apply a fixeroo.

There was a typo, but still, the blocking is getting a retread.

Pah, I can out-late you any day of the week Thank you so much for reading. I always look forward to your comments!! Oftentimes, my hands don't even shake when I click on the thread! Yeah, this is a common thread through the comments and I will definitely provide a more solid blocking foundation for the scene near the start of the chapter. Awesome. Double awesome. Triple awesome!! Oooh, hmm, well now >>>>>> stay tuned for Book 3. I think it's smoother now, flows better out of the yellow warning lights flashing. Edited. I think it's clearer now. I know, right? I keep hearing 'griddled his/her loins', and imagine some kind of barbecue situation. Check. That's no good! <thumbs up> I've been hanging onto the reveal of her name since Book 1. It almost went into Book 1, but it didn't feel there was a good place for it, and I wanted it to come in a really low and stressful/tense/'inappropriate' time, like this. Okay. Yes, they were blasting the window/facade of the habitat away to release N. I totally accept the blocking is not right, certain once they get to Level 5, so I will go back and revise that. Great comments. Thanks so much, @kais, much appreciated

Hey Sarah, thanks so much for reading. Yeah, the DM thing always felt like risk. The idea was to avoid two potentially quite similar standoffs, a double denouement if you will, two one then the other moustache twirling villain, and also to do something unexpected, i.e. hard right turn away from the DM showdown to play up the 'shock' of N being the actual baddy. Ha-ha! Not at all. I like this. I've added a judder. Edited, thanks. Check. Edited. Exactly like hand rails. Yes. I've been thoroughly convinced about this. I actually forgot it was a line from Sherlock, but even that aside, it's probably scoring a bit too high on the cheese-o-meter. Although, N is most certainly intended to be having a diva moment. On this edit, I've been searching for a slightly different tone for him. He's had diva moments before now, of course, so I still think the tone is consistent. Many thanks for the comments, Sarah. Much appreciated