Robinski

Very interesting. I was troubled to begin with at the mention in the foreword of "painstakingly detail", but I thought you handled it well, revealing just enough to allow the story to progress without burdening the reader with too much detail. The setting feels alive with local colour, but you don't weigh the writing down with the description, which I think is absolutely the right approach. I'm interested to see where the plot is going. There are no overt signposts or promises to the reader as yet, that I have spotted anyway. I'm intrigued to learn more about this interesting setting. I think you're plot ideas sounds interesting - something a bit different - and very challenging to pull off. I await the next installment (which I already have!) with interest. (As with Millenial, I've tracked some comments and will email then to you).

Sorry for taking so long to get to this, but I'm glad that I did. My excuse (I mean we've got to have one, it's the name at the top of the forum) is that I'm really caught up in the Write About Dragons course, which is really good, and he got me writing almost every day - awesome!). So, I've been uploading the files to my Google Docs folder, because it's so much easier to make in-line comments and suggestions. I'll email you the file back, I hope you don't mind. I agree with Mandamon (there it is again, <sigh>) that you don't need anything for the transition, I think it follows on fine. I'm going to disagree with Manda and JP on Nina's activity level however. She is first time in a new workplace, confronted by the boss of bosses and some really strong personalities. I think I would do exactly as she does, keep my yap shut and let them rip chunks out of each other. Totally agree with JP on the pop 'culture' references, those will burn you down the line, if not straight away. In terms of the writing, phew, that was a real humdinger. I really enjoyed the conflict, which was just all over the place, in a good way. It really did feel that Nina was the innocent country girl dropped into the maelstrom of the global news room. I thought it worked very well, and some of the quips were tremendous. I enjoyed this so much more, that I think it reinforces my feelings about the earlier submissions. The initial set up fair enough, although I struggled with the tone a bit to begin with. The next two submissions were, I think all about bringing Nina up to this point, but I would have liked to get to Chapter 4 much quicker, with less of the hometown tweeness. You've got some great characters going in this chapter, but I think it would engaged readers more immediately if that material was closer to the start. I suspect some if the readers might not get past the slower, schmaltzier stuff. In summary, still interested to see where it all goes. I'm still really not sure at all what the plot is, but I would be disappointed if it was just about reporting on the death of a pope. I'm sure it's not, but these good characters need to be doing interesting stuff to retain the reader interest. I think dropping some main plot intrigue really soon would be a good idea.

Apologies for the delay in responding - I'm really focused on the Write About Dragons course, so my time is limited, but I'm determined to keep up with Reading Excuses, if a bit behind. So... I found this interesting. It's clear that there are deep emotions underlying the piece. There is a clearly a woman at the heart of it, but I'm not sure that there is enough time for us to learn what is going on. The emotions are very strong, there's no doubting that but, for me, it was too oblique and too short for me to divine what the issues were. We don't learn what it is that the people don't believe, or what it is that they have double standards over. What is it that is being violated? I felt that, when reached the end, I had more questions that answers. Like Lemming, I tend to need to be spoonfed abstract concepts, but I thought that the imagery was effective, it did engage me without a doubt. I'm just not sure I clever enough to see beyond the pretty colours. I will say that I had no trouble with the supermarket analogy, or the cleaning fluids reference, because I don't believe that he is actually in an orchard at all. I believe he is "insane" and that there are people around him, but his perception of reality is gone, temporarily or otherwise - am I close? I think I'm reaching now. I developed the habbit of uploading to my Google Docs then downloading again - it makes tracking comments really easy, so I'll email that back to you. Hope you don't mind. In short pieces (is this what they call flash fiction?) I think the language would need to be really tight, so I've got some suggestions there, hope you don't mind.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, Helge, hopefully you will find as much motivation here as I have in the last 18 months or so. People have come and gone from the forum over that period, but there is always someone here to read your work and give (hopefully useful) opinion and comment. I look forard to reading your work and your critiques. I know what you mean about the creative energy, it is definitely a challenge sometimes, but it's as important (I think) to develop work ethic as it is skill. As someone once said, to be a writer, you have to write!

If there are slots, I'll happily take one. Sorry I'm slow in critiquing this week, but I'll get there.

Ha ha, Slot 1 ALWAYS goes to Game of Thrones - but I'm rewatching Twin Peaks, what do I know :-) I too have to limit my TV (I'm sure we all do). Currently, I'm watching the new Doctor Who on iPlayer (I watch almost no live TV anymore, like many I'm sure), and Twin Peaks, and usually 2 or 3 movies - which is a struggle with WaD ongoing! @CmdLem: You're right of course, there are definitely some comments at which I smile and nod gratefully before I set them aside! I can't say too much about the Dyllis and her timidity, because that's a thing, as you will discover. It does give issues with image, as you say, and I'll seek to tidy that up on Edit #1. J-Law could play the part, although she might be too old by the time I sell the movie rights LOLOLOLOL!!! @Mandamon: yes, the parallels and differences in the comments between WaD and RE are very interesting, but the big points are usually pretty consistent - which is reassuring.

@JP: Thank for your those comments, they certainly helpl me home in on some stuff to review and improve on. In particular I will include a reference to the porter, and maybe refine how the barque is dealt with. I'm particularly pleased that there were things there that worked for you. The points that you raise are things I have a notion how to address - which is good.Covelle's motivation, which I know (of course), needs to be clarified, which I'm happy to do. Thanks again!

@Lemming: Thank you for those comments, much appreciated. Your points about the magic are very helpful. Maybe I'm slow in ramping it up, but it's coming. I haven't seen that show but, clearly, I'm going to have to check it out! I note what you say about Dyllis's dialogue. I will alter her retort. Your suggestions are very good - not quite sure if they are Dyllis, which is a pity - especially like the 'fairy' line. There is a reason for her manner of speach, but if it's casting (sorry) too much doubt over her age, I'll need to tweak it. She doesn't lose the pouch on the stairs, she just doesn't have time to reach for it. I'll return to your comments on the use of magic, because they are very helpful, if only to say thank you for bringing it into focus for me. Not quite sure how I'll apply them, but I'll look at this carefully. Biggest thing I take is the need to ramp up. Thank you very much for reading I'm struggling with my critiquing at the moment, but I will get there!

Benam is residing in Lufmatho Jail with a bleak view of his future. Meanwhile, Covelle and Dyllis have had a heart-to-heart about various things. She has learned that he is the estranged third son of the Duke of Lufmatho, whereas he now knows that casters use parts of themselves as catalysts for releasing or focusing magical energy. They are now heading out into the town again. A leading apology, I'm conscious of how few weeks remain for the Write About Dragons group, and I'm trying to maximise the length of submissions, so I wanted to push into Chapter 5 – I know means a cliffhanger for this submission, and I apologise for that. Your comments are very valuable, and very much appreciated. Thank you for reading if you have the time. Kind regards, Robinski

It's 2210 on Sunday, there are four on the list, I'm going to go out on a limb and submit my stuff - trusting there are no last minute new authors. It's that or fall asleep at my desk waiting for midnight to roll around. I'm going to risk it.

I'm good to go for Monday, but I've had a good run recently - then again there seems to be some anticipation for the next bit. If there's a slot - I'll take it, but happy to wait to Sunday night and see what's what.

@JP: thank you for sticking with it, much appreciated, and for your comments, which are always from an interesting perspective. This section, like all the others, will get a good revision or three before it gets anywhere near being submitted anywhere for an alpha read so, all things being equal, there should be a goodly amount of polishing between now and then. You're not the only one to comment on some of the interchange between characters in this submission, and that will all get a checkgoing forward. I'm not averse to lingering in the execution scene, and will certainly try some embelishment there, but I'm not convinced about crucifixtion. The people are not intended to be inately cruel, although their worst tendencies come out. The purpose of the exercise is to execute the invaders, not to disrupt the capital excessively by reminding the people of how vulnerable they were for a period, which it could be argued seeing their attackers frequently would do. I do take your point about the tracebility of the "rest of the kingsmen" comments. I'm going to go back and try to flag that a little better earlier. Obviously, it occurs back at the Crowded Inn, and I don't want to spoil the reveal, but it needs to be a realisation, not a point of confusion or read-back, which is not good, I agree. So glad that you are interested to read more. There is more action to come, and no flash backs, in the next chapter - action in real time (gasp!). Thanks again for reading.

@CommandanteLemming: Thank you for those kind comments. It's very pleasing to hear that the characters are working for you and holding your interest. I take your point about the 'thoughts' - I have a habit of trying stuff like that, and it doesn't often work (ever?). I like to think I would pick it up in the edit, but I thought it worked the first time, so thank you for flagging that, and the other points, which I have noted for the edit. Covelle and Dyllis return in the next exciting(?) episode - it might be a longer one, I finished it a couple of days ago then realised I'd gone off down the wrong track and hadn't ended up where I needed to be - must concentrate and not let the characters wriggle out of the masterplan during the scene!! Thanks again, very much appreciated.

I agree with Mandamon. I don't object to talking about long-term aims in the discussion, but I think it would be difficult to make useful comment on sections out of sequence, beyond commentary on grammar and style.

It's just my opinion of course, you don't have to accept it. I find it well written and easy to read in terms of flow, so if it's what you want to write then more power to your elbow!

The others have definitely snagged the points that I would have spent event longer expressing (sorry this is so late!). I find your style easily readable, it flows nicely but, for me, there is any awful lot of detail that isn't relevant to the the plot. It's nice an colourful, but it seems to me that there are a few darlings that could and probably should be killed. I end up thinking is this at all relevant, or just colour that is slowing down the progress towards some conflict. The Skoda, for example, and bumping into the girl on the train. Maybe it's me expecting this to be something it's not, but I feel like I'm waiting for something exciting and intriguing to happen. I'm also waiting for an SFF element, although I know you say that the story was quite light on that, and it is certainly a very light touch on any futuristic or unusual, probably too light for my taste as a reader. I just don't really get much sense of the future, I mean Apple is big, really? Any-who, I'm still interested to see where this is going but, as not, I'm just hoping we hit some conflict, excitement, intrigue soon. I'll email you my tracked comments / suggestions.

[#6] I’ve revised the chapter titles so far, which means this one pops up again in the submission. I'm also toying with the idea of putting a date stamp in to mark the progression of days. I'm particularly interested in your reaction to that. In the last submission, having escaped the inn and the kingsmen pursuing her, Covelle and Dyllis discussed their situation. She has learned that he is the estranged third son of the Duke of Lufmatho, whereas he now knows that casters use parts of themselves as catalysts for releasing or focusing magical energy. Attention now reverts to Benam, who was taken into custody by the Duke’s Guard. Thank you for reading - comments always very much appreciated. Cheers, Robinski

I would like to submit again, if that's okay.

Firstly - I have no idea!! I've never been to a convention. There's a very good cast in the Writing Excuses back catalogue on cons and editors, etc. - some good sound advice. Let's see - Season 3, Episode 9 is all I've come up with, I thought there were more. Anyway, my main reason for posting was to say that there is a thiriving Writing Group on this site in the form of Reading Excuses, if you're interested in submitting material and getting critiques. Within RE there is an alpha readers thread if you wanted to enlist someone for a complete read through. There's networking aplenty on RE, albeit it online.

The Write About Dragons group certainly find the in-line commenting very helpful and user-friendly in the giving and receiving of feedback.There is perhaps a tendency to get drawn towards line-editing, but I'm sure if the submitter was clear those they didn't want that - critiquers would respect that. In terms of more substantive comments on the whole piece, using Drive / Docs, we add those at the end. I would say that aspect is a bit cumbersome, but that's where the forum would remain the best option, for the discussion. Be interested to hear people views. I suppose the two systems could run in parallel, with those looking for a more in depth critique opting for a G**gle Drive submission, while those preferring an overview approach could continue to opt for emailing and forum commenting only.

I don't like being too specific about character age, but would hope to convey it through behaviour, description, etc., but I'm very interested to know your impressions on the characters ages in Waifs and Strays. I would have included Ahma, but I ran out of questions. Feel free to have a random guess at her age too, if you are interested. Correct answers get a reputation point!! (*After voting is concluded.) Cheers, Robinski

I think you're right about the helpless / passive thing, I think it really makes a difference to the perception - I need to go back a drop some clues in there. Interested to know what other people's perception is though - I feel a poll coming on!

@CmtLemming: Your comments are very kind - praise really does inspire a fellow to strive even harder - thank you indeed. Your points on the pace' of disclosure are well made. Others have a slightly different view, and I can see the merits of both. There is work to be done, but I think just in some adjustments rather than wholesale changes. Your question about Dyllis's age is also a good one, as there has been some flux on that in my mind. I started off thinking of her a younger, but my mind set is now towards 19/20. I think the root of the problem (if there is one) is in the term 'girl', which is open to interpretation. I've also used 'young woman', which I think is more recognisable as late teens/early twenties, but these terms do depend on one's perspective. I'm in my 40's, I have a daughter who is 20. I can use the term 'girl' and still feel that it applies to her. I'd be interested to know the group's view on this. I think her behaviour contributes to an impression that she might be younger but, either way, it's something I think I need to define more clearly earlier on, in passing. You're welcome to "eyes went round" - there's nothing new under the sun - I'm sure I probably 'borrowed' it from somewhere else. But now to a very interesting point indeed - names. I note what you say. Cwidagth is certainly a bit of a stinker, but there is a very specific pattern at work with the place names, and a separate pattern (experimental, for me, not earth-shattering) for the names. Neither of these patterns is germane to the story, they are purely to assist me, to assist in discouraging me from endless obsession over the names of places and people. It's not meant to be a great puzzle, but I'm not going to tell you what the pattern is!! I love your name 'Aadarshini Brahmaputra'. I think that, often times, it's laziness in the reader that causes issues with names, and if they just took time to work out the name in the first instance, it would be easy to cope with thereafter (in most cases, there will always be issues with 'Prill' (etc.) in Ringworld!!). I just convert to phonetics, so I would make your character 'Adarshinee Bramapootra', then press on with the story. Am I close? Thank you again for your comments, very much appreciated. I will be getting on to your next chapters directly.

@JP: So glad this section worked better for you, especially the magic system (so far). I accept the point about the content of their conversation, I will expand the expounding on Dyllis's part a little, although I am trying to balance that with her being reluctant to give much away. Lemming's comments seem to accept her reticence so, as usual, it's a balance. This is not to say that she can't be drawn into an argument of course, which would allow me to rebalance Covelle's viewpoint - I'll need to look at that again, I didn't intend to show support for his father, but it's implied then it could be something to capitalise on as a flaw (as he would see it). I'm especially pleased about the reaction to the magic so far, as it's something that I often don't deal with very well (if at all) - so, I'm pleased that I'm on the right track.

Thank you, Andy - I'm glad that this section was effective for you. Sound advice as always. I'll take your points on pacing / showing into the edit.