Robinski

Hurrah!

Yeah, I'm just aniticpating a last minute rush. I am definitely NOT hoping for an excuse to back out of submitting...

I always liked 'toccata and fugue' as musical terms.

I'll sit out this Monday, if required. Better to finish Majus in Space and Scholomancer.

I'd like to submit on Monday - first of two parts of a 7,000-word short story - unless I can cut 2,000 words by Monday night!!

I know Hollywood Formula suggests closing the story as close to the credits as possible, but I think what I missed was a sense of closure for the character. I thought you had set up a great conflict between Connor and Emer (him clubbing her!) that was unresolved and would, I think, have been very interesting to see play out. More interesting (for me personally) than the conflict with Gwydion, which I never felt especially strongly about, as we don't see him much 'on screen'. Apart from anything else, I'm wrestling with something similar in the final chapter of my current project, which at the moment ends with a rather negative (potentially) confrontation between the main character and a major female character - so I'm interested to see any other take on that

Okay. I liked the pace, things were skipping along as I think they should at this stage in the story, but I was very disoriented by the blocking, where the characters are relative to each other and the landscape. Renfield is heading out into the desert then he’s suddenly right on top of Rewer. The others were standing in front of Rewer at the end of a chapter, but they’re way down in a valley when Renfield confronts Rewer, but then they’re right in front of him. I really think this needs tightened up a good deal. I liked the exchange between Steph and Jason – that felt real and had good tension, I thought. I also liked that Rewer has eaten the scrolls, but I think the threat of that could be dialled way up. To me, it feels like he’s threatening the individual characters, not the world as we know it. So, is it one more week to go or two? I'm guessing one, as it feels like we’re right on top of the ending. My main comment though, is more threat, more threat. A handful of golems is not making me quake in my boots. To close, in all of this, my frustration with grammar and blocking comes from a place of enjoying lots of other elements of the story and wanting it to hang together better in some of the basic writerly things – like grammar and blocking. Excited for the ending and wanting it to be huge(ly satisfying). -------------------------------------------------------------- Hmm, I'm having rather confused thoughts about now. Stephanie knows they are trying to summon the devil, and that it could happen with the next lightning strike, but she’s hanging back to see what happens? I know she will expose herself, but it seems to me that the stakes are so high here that she might be thinking she needs to risk it all for the sake of mankind, or is she not willing to sacrifice herself? Then again, wasn’t it established that they need the Solomonari for the purposes of the ceremony? If that’s the case, why didn’t she hightail it in the opposite direction as fast as she could go, or go to ground somewhere so as to stymie there ceremony? Maybe I have remembered incorrectly. Supplementary: If they needed the Solomonari, why did they start without her being secure and waiting at the side to be brought in? It’s Stephanie, right? All these questions asked, I did like the tension in the start of this submission. “Then perhaps its it’s best” “The Solomonari couldn’t have gotten far” “I believe this is why where we part ways” – I think. “...standing by the unconscious Irving(?) drew (levelled?) their automatic weapons on (at) Rewer, their safeties falling...” “like a man unexpectedly asked to foot the bill at a restaurant” – rofl “not when you failed to see to do your due diligence.?” – not a question. “his patient patience clearly waning” The scene with the earth monsters needs tightened up. There are grammar points and awkward word choices that bothered me, numerous enough that I thought to just cover it in a blanket comment rather than pick them all out. I didn’t notice Stephanie starting to run, the first indication seems to be her keeping running. Also, I don’t know why all the red-robes are scattering and running instead of just making a space for the golems. I would imagine they would be scared enough to turn and run. “A Quaris SUV squealed (spun) its tires tyres” – Tyres aren’t going to squeal on dirt, need a tarmac road. “take aim of at the golem” “long, pointed rocket-propelled grenade” – it’s not a specially –shaped RPG. You wouldn’t say ‘a curved, yellow banana’. Evelyn, Bannister and Renfield are making comments based on knowledge they don’t have. Also, their motivations seem confused. Why are they here? To stop Rewer, to save Stephanie? To help Stephanie stop Rewer? I don’t think it’s clear what they’re trying to achieve now. When Renfield torches the golems near him, I think a reminder about the oil would help left the tension just before he fires. Good end to this chapter, but I'm not sure why the golems zeroed in on Renfield suddenly, it felt a bit convenient for the story. Again, I'm not sure what Rewer is trying to achieve witih all these golems running around – it seems like they’re just trying to kill everyone, which doesn’t seem very constructive. It also seems like the threat of the devil is gone, so the stakes are dialled way down to the personal safety of individuals. Repetition of ‘go out swinging’, once in narrative and once in internal monologue. “she really doubted the daggers were going to cut it” – Lol, I get it. As I understand it (although I have my doubts) chickens (traditionally) run around when their heads are chopped of, they don’t fall over. “the impact making it unmistakable indecipherable from the earth which had spawned it” – is usually the form of this expression. “but not completely surrounding surrendering whatever suspicions remained” “I’m standing right here” – this repeats the quip / gag that Stephanie made seconds before. It feels like unwelcome repetition so soon after the last time. “they’re the only ones who can help us stop this” – Stop what? It’s unclear what is at stake now – I think. “she breezed breathed a sigh of relief” “Why, she seemed unsure” – She can’t seem unsure, it’s her pov. “Andy walked a cautious several yards between both individuals, his wariness obviously apparently,” – I wouldn’t feed this sentence to my dog for his breakfast ;op “What is it you really want to say, in case we don’t get a chance?” – Good line, and I liked the short scene between Jason and Stephanie. It felt true. “emaciated figure at least three hundred feet away” – this is not far away, 30 yards, it’s like the other side of the street-ish. The context sounds like it’s meant to be further. “I’m with the cremhole on this.” – lol “those days were far, far over” – long, long gone is more conventional – this version sounds off. “like tides at the sea” – this image confuses me – I can’t picture how the golems are rising. I like that Rewer has eaten the scolls – that was unexpected, for me. I think you could have dialled up the horror of it. I was curious that he seemed to be alone, unguarded, but the character did not seem to think it significant. “sparkling embers died out” – was the robe burning? Where were the embers? I see we’re with Renfield, but I thought at first that the robe was lying on the ground. I think the blocking at the start of this chapter could be improved. “it had at least shielded him from the blast” – Okay, I can buy that. I think you could have dialled-up the description of Renfield being bathed in flame back at the attack, so it really sounds like he’s torched, which I didn’t really invest in at the time, because we were away from it so quickly. “Renfield hasted hastened his step” “Two yards later” – that’s one-and-a-half steps – like nothing – seemed odd. He must have been practically standing on top of the corpse. Renfield moves further into the desert then he’s examining the corpse further. This is out of order, surely. “he moved as quickly as he could” – Where is he going? We don’t really know what he’s aiming to do. If he’s lying flat, how can he see symbols on the ground? I'm disoriented by the description here – could be clearer, where he is, what he’s doing. Then suddenly he’s on top of Rewer, from out of nowhere. Still struggling with the blocking. And when Renfield is going to take the shot, the others are way down in a valley. But in the previous scene they were right in front of Rewer. Then Stephanie sees him. “this took me a long time to learn” – It was never about Renfield when he was working for Dracula, surely. I don’t get how that would take him any time to learn – seems like he has always been subjugated – in our frame of reference anyway. “Renfield recognized his mother immediately. He finally recognized her” – these statements seem directly opposed.

I'm going straight into the comments this time, and sum up at the end. “that he wouldn't catch you thieving?” – It’s a question, right? “Interrupting!” – Lol, what heinous sin! I'm not sure why Trahaearn dashed across the room. I felt it out of tune with his behaviour to date. “disturbed me greatly” – repetition of this phrase. “It itched right up into my brain and gave me a chill down my back.” – Nice phrasing. “that had been whittled with a small knife” – how does he know a small knife was used? It doesn’t seem at all relevant. I’d prefer a description of the piece of wood – which I see we get. I think this bit could use an edit. “And you, being mannered and polite, are about to accept it graciously” – There are too many nice, characterful lines spoken by Trahaearn to highlight them all, but this is an especially effective one, I thought. His character comes through well in his dialogue, which is very entertaining. “like a dog than run off one day and come back the next” – this is a nice phrase, but I don’t understand what it’s intended to convey about his rumbling stomach. “the Truest stories” – why is truest capitalised? This is not a dig at you – and I know I’ve done it myself, but I'm starting to get fed up with such terms. The reader knows they’re significant and yet so many stories now have these portentous terms capitalised, many for no obvious reason. I can understand it is drawing a distinction between different senses or significances of the same word, but I didn’t get that sense here. Did the boy suddenly go all Midwestern or is he just speaking more here and I'm noticing it now? It seems quite thick in his exchange with the ‘man’ about fairies. “what sort of People Stories the fairies tell to each other” – lol. Too busy laughing to be bothered much about the capitalisation. “If Whether fairies told each other stories or not, I wasn’t sure” – I know the kid’s grammar is off no doubt on account of his being short of schooling, but this seemed to cross a line. I think the issue is that it seems the sentence is going to say something different until you reach ‘or not’. I do enjoy the way you have interspersed the stories with the narrative. I like the pacing of it. “He sunk sank in about an inch” “which was enough for them to dismiss their assumption and return” “eight hundred and sixty-three” – Some people think I had to work hard to earn the name Captain Pedant, but it was easy really. “greyhare” – I'm just picturing this creature as a big (relative to Woefun), grey hare. “Once fed, the little man tapped the greyhare on his foreleg,” – this phrasing implies that the little man has been fed. Also, you refer to the greyhare as ‘his’ here, but ‘it’ elsewhere. I think ‘it’ is better. “and he drunk drank all of it” I was a bit disoriented when we seemed to drop into the gnome’s pov when he goes up to the door. My impression is that Woefun is far enough away that he would not be able to see the finer details of what the gnome is doing. Then, I realise that we are listening to a story being told by Trahaearn, so it’s actually some kind of omnipotent pov. “He stopped there and his face seemed to stop on that moment, too” – I'm not sure what this means. Oh, and by the way, was Woefun a fairy? I didn’t get that one way or another, but maybe I just forgot something near the start of the story. -------------------------------------------------------- We’ll that was excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It has a lovely gentle voice and a kindly and positive message to it. Not that there isn’t conflict, which is supplied by the boy’s wariness of his father and of Trahaearn , but it shows very well how a story can be entertaining and thought-provoking without recourse to violence and gritty realism. I’ve got no great experience of submitting let alone publication, but I would have thought that with some tidying up and tightening up you must be in with a shout with this story of getting some good positive feedback at least, if not finding a home for it. I certainly would be pleased to come across this story in an anthology and would feel thoroughly satisfied after reading it. Well done, sir. Well done indeed.

Yes. I completely agree. I can see how reading out loud would do that. I like to think I have a good sense of rhythm (next time I submit, you can be the judge!!) through reading slowly, but I also wrote poetry and lyrics in my youth. I always preach reading dialogue out loud to get it to sound convincing.

It's very nicely written for a 'first story' - I think your other writing experience to date (poetry, lyrics?) shows through - or maybe you're just a natural (grumble). Anyway, please keep writing. I think you have a good talent that deserves to be used and not neglected. Keep going and don't stop for anything!!

Yup, yup. Good section. I can see some of the changes, I like them. Some observations below, principally, I felt that the tension could have been ratcheted up with the introduction of more of a ticking clock from the expansion of the void. I never really felt I had a sense of how big it was (I see I'm not alone in that) and how much space was remaining for the people. I also wanted more from the captain on his departure. It didn’t feel very captainly, and he did have a speaking part up to that point. Nice job – more please! --------------------------------------------------- “buried in the earth of the planet” – why did I think it was a moon? “we will make due do” “The tanks of fresh air” – Seems to me it’s not that fresh if stored in a tank. “and Origon negated his words” – ‘dispelled’? I'm not sure that he can negate words he has already said. “He recalled he didn’t know any of the other crews’ names, nor that of the captain, then dismissed the thought. It wasn’t important. ” If it’s unimportant, I'm not convinced we need to hear about it. personally, I hadn’t given it a thought to that point. “Kashidur City” – if it’s part of the city’s name. “He walked to the viewport--slowly--hoping the movement would refresh him.” – There’s a nice fragility about this notion. I must admit I’ve experienced it myself when disoriented by illness. It’s like ‘Maybe I can walk this off.’ – Nicely observed. “But by another feather” – This is some kind of oath, I think? It wasn’t clear on first reading, had to go back. “standing on the surface of a moon” – That’s why I thought it was a moon!! “It was the first space exploration of any of the ten species, not counting the Nether, of course. That hardly counted, as it had been colonized for who knew how many thousands of cycles” I feel that this section introduces doubt and therefore could be rearranged. I'm left with questions about the Nether and who explored it, not a sense of the wonder of this expedition. “He grasped one of the panels along the side of capsule in a clatter of supplies, glaring around the capsule, daring the crew to comment” “view window” – what other kind is there? “A person's song would grow back” – This sounds a bit like he cut off some appendage that will magically regenerate. I thought maybe just ‘return’, ‘rise’ or ‘swell’? (Hmm, maybe not.) ‘Reach a crescendo again’ – hmm, don’t know. “Just as Only a few appreciated the weight of air” – First phrasing seemed part of another expression. Also, a few of who? “Simple air, with an application of heat” – Isn’t it pressure? Heat would excite the air particles and tend to disperse them, making the mass of air less dense. “The discord from the hanging mass shredded through the Symphony sounding in his mind” – bit wordy and awkward, I thought. “Origon grasped for the both houses” “With all the song of his existence” – phrasing felt awkward to me. Suggestion: “With the whole composition of his existence...” or “the entire song of his existence” or “verse, chorus and phrase of his existence.” Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to make suggestions but just..., can’t..., help..., self. “This thing was more important than the assassin and the landing...” The question screaming out to me is ‘Where did it come from?’, but that doesn’t seem to be occurring to Ori. “A Drain, that is what it is,” – Is this Ori-speak? It’s awkward, but I guess it’s that verbal tick that he has. “the swirling pale mass, still growing” – There’s good tension in the story, but I feel that the rate of growth is being underplayed somewhat, it could ramp the tension up even further. “The void--the Drain--had reached the wall” – I don’t have a sense of it pressing in on the people, reducing the space they have to move. I presume it must also be consuming air as it swells, making it harder to breathe. “scrambling to gather any necessary supplies they could hold” – if they’re going back to the planet, what do they need supplies for? “hefted a sheet of tarp holding the prone Dipara” – suggestion “The air was escaping into the vacuum around the moon, and the Drain was eating away at both” – Both, meaning the air and the vacuum? Also, depending on the curvature of the drain compared to that of the hull, and the rate of expansion of the drain, it could eat through the hull in a matter of seconds. Further, depending on the nature of the void, I wondered if the interface between the void and the hull might not form an airtight seal. Otherwise, there would seem to be a gap, however small, between the void and the hull. “one of two crewmembers not supporting one of the wounded” – awkward to my ear “many wealthy members of the ten species” “The improvised stretcher with Dipara and the three who carried it went was borne through first, then the two free crewmembers, holding bundles of supplies, then the captain and the doctor, each holding a small pack.” – I just can’t help myself, sorry. I know what you mean by ‘free’, but it also sounds like they are free of captivity. Again, don’t get the supplies. If it was expensive equipment, I would understand. I kinda wanted the captain to say or do something on departing – be reluctant or something. Traditionally, he would be the last one to leave, and he seemed like a straight-up sort of chap who cared about more than saving his own neck – as every captain should, of course.

There is actually a writing group on this site, Reading Excuses, which is found under related content. It's been established for some time and there is an active and welcoming group of writers who will very happily give you a full and detailed critique of your story, if you like Silk is the moderator, but the rules are few and simple - basically you give critiques and you get critiques.

I'm reassured to see that others had the same view as me on some points. I actually presumed that there was another week to come - there is, isn't there? I find it hard to believe this is the end. ('went down like a tuba player' - rofl)

Details below, but summary, this was my least favourite submission so far. I found the combat passages confusing and didn’t really get much sense that combat was happening at all, I think because of the absence of description of any cut and thrust, only some sparse general outline of how Emer was fighting. A big issue that I had was the topography of the beach, the angles and distances, which didn’t convince me at all. I still don’t think they work and I didn’t really get why there needed to be such a steep beach and just seeing things over the edge. Also, the size of the ships, which I became confused over, because I cannot believe that it would be feasible to beach at big sailing ship like a brigantine, a schooner or even a ketch. Apart from anything else, you’re going to have to wait for the tide to have any chance of getting it clear again, so no quick getaways. But there’s a reason that big ships anchor out of shallow ports. If a ship like that keels over it’s going to take major damage. I found that I started to enjoy things more when they were beyond the beach and the fighting there. Gwydion raising the villagers against them in a state of madness is an excellent touch and shows his desperation very effectively. The response of the soldiers is also nicely handled, and we see Emer for what she is (if we had any doubts before now), a heartless hellcat. Man, she’s going to be pissed at Connor!! But she deserved it. I was disoriented big style by the last past of the submission. Connor is still on the beach, then suddenly he is striking at Gwydion. Also, Connor’s ending of Gwydion is strangely impersonal. There’s no real sense of him killing and man, just finishing an enemy. Some physical description of Gwydion, and whether he’s fearful or angry at the end would add to this, I think. This is the first submission in which I have found the language to be intrusive, as per my comments below. It felt a bit much in places, over-written if you like. There were places where I felt that a bit simpler would have been more effective. Definitely still enjoying the story, but I wanted more from this part – particularly the early fighting scenes. Looking forward to the next part. ----------------------------------------------- “sharply sloping shingled roves roofs” “a greasy merchant and smuggler” – lol “gold of King Math in Gwynedd” “Math’s gold is not yours to spend, Eiren” – lol “Then pay them with my share.” – This bothered me. As far as I can see, Connor is only in it for the money, so why would he give his away? I'm unconvinced by his sudden altruism. Connor and Emer fall into conversation, ignoring Harke, which I thought was strange given that neither has addressed him or the question that they asked him. I thought it was particularly strange given that he is her uncle and she doesn’t even speak to or acknowledge him. The names Harke and Hakon are very similar. Also, there is no indication of any discussion with Hakon. He makes a statement and the next line they are following him down the road. It seems incautious on his part not to require details of what the mission is. They come onto the enemy so quickly that there is no time to develop any tension in the encounter. I'm puzzling about how they caught Gwydion so quickly instead of wondering how they are going to defeat him. “borne over the sea” “love and raged and beat” – this is the second instance of this construction in as many sentences. I don’t mind this sort of affected styling but, personally, I’d prefer to see it used sparingly. I like the tension in the encounter when Donn is throwing lightning about, and the surprise from Connor nicely highlights what a rare skill this is. I feel that this fight could have been even better with a tenser and slightly longer build up. “thick and white as cream” – something odd about this phrase, in that white and cream are different colours. “after what Donn’s had cost them” – I forget what the arrangement was, but doesn’t Connor get paid regardless of whether they catch Gwydion? “Caution or not, there was nothing do but run the Sea-Wyrm up the beach beside the wreck of the Broken Blade” – Um, what about anchoring off the beach? I'm no sailor, but beaching a big ship like this sounds like a bad idea to me, and I'm surprised that Hakon would countenance it. “Connor leapt out as soon as the surf around the prow was shallow enough” – I'm confused now. What kind of ship are they on? I'm also a bit confused by what just happened with Black Owain. I see it as it unfolds, but I found the initial description a bit unclear. “axes and dirks and short spears”, “Connor and Emer and the Cymric warriors” – per my earlier comments. “Gwydion looked over the top of the beach” – so this is like his head appearing above crest of the shingle? I'm not keen on the geometry of this. Have you worked out the angles and distances involved? I'm not convinced they work. “Connor swung his line back” – I thought he had a string or rope when I read this first. “They matched Connor’s company man for man, about, and more of them wore armor and were men who knew battle.” – I find this sentence a bit confused. “steel and red hair and laughter” – this is really annoying me now. “past even his strength to overbear or blow some counter-tune” – but Connor’s not a singer, is he? And overbearing is not a verb. “could not fall back as the battle turned against them” – Why not, because of Gwydion’s pipe? I like how the battle madness spell is a bad thing, used by inexperienced singers. That’s a nice touch of complexity to show that singing is not all-powerful. “just come to his man’s growth” – ugh, don’t like this phrase at all As with the beach – the distances between Connor and Gwydion, and the fact that there is a wall and buildings of the whole town between them, make it hard to imagine how they can see each other. Also, Gwydion sounds quite far away, so distance is a factor too. “as Connor crossed the final length to strike him” – This was an issue for me, there’s no description of Connor closing the distance between them, he’s just suddenly upon on him – it’s quite disorienting. “The horn screamed eagle” – eh? What does that mean? “heard his dirk shivered in its scabbard” – again, I don’t know what this means – did you mean shattered? “he drove the rim as hard into Gwydion’s throat as all his speed and sinew could make it manage” – grammar is off here. “He drove it down a second time, and ended Gwydion and all his spells” – fantastic line. “the singer’s voice”

At a basic level, start a new paragraph with a new thought, new voice or new direction.

Hmm, I feel no need to change my second answer.

Yeah. If you you start talking about energy, it quickly begins to sound like soul, spirit, essence and goes all squishy and new age. After that extensive research I retract my earlier comment

Can I change my answer to 'What Shirke said'?

Hmm, well, I'm thinking that sound is a vibration or the wave form that propagates through air (or other medium) as a result of the original vibration. Does an individual have a particular sound signature within the symphony? If they do, that's all very well, but I'm thinking then what form does that take as a physical embodiment or essence. It's all energy. Light is expenditure of energy to create a visual effect so, after this rather hurried exposition, I'm wondering how light can be valid as a storage facility, when it is energy that would be stored and light would be generated by expending energy, rather than a commodity to be preserved. There you go. Rather than answering the question, I've ended up asking another one. I really should go back to the question, which I think I managed to translate into 'How do you store, or create a repository of, sound?' Well, there's magnetism as in old audio tape, CD technology and vinyl (both using 'bumps'), but these are records of sounds, not stores that can be depleted... or can they. Vinyl degrades over time through wear and occasional damage. Allegedly, CDs and DVDs are subject to something called 'disc rot' which wiki defines as "become unreadable due to physical or chemical deterioration. The causes of this effect vary from oxidation of the reflective layer, to physical scuffing and abrasion of disc surfaces or edges, including visible scratches, to other kinds of reactions with contaminants, to UV light damage and de-bonding of the adhesive used to adhere the layers of the disc together" - in other words, same issue as vinyl. I'm thinking therefore, that there are two choices for an alternative to 'light' as the store of a majus's essence(?). That there is a permanent record of them as an individual in the Symphony, which degrades with time and use, or it comes back to a rather more prosaic matter or a well of energy that the majus draws on, but which would not be light, as that represents energy already expended. Here is another alternative approach, to throw out the scientific rule book and just start throwing words around (Why didn't I think of that earlier?). Words that relate to the size of sound: - amplitude; - volume; - loudness (a subjective scale); - sound pressure (measured in decibels); - lots of other neat stuff!! I've gone a bit far here maybe. Having read Seeds of Dissolution, Physical Magic and First Majus in Space (again). I appreciate that your approach is that of a store that can be dangerously depleted, so the degradation of a permanent record of a person is not going to fit that model. Origon is not going to sitting in the rocket worrying that he's going to wear himself out, which would take some time, presumably. So, we're back to a store of energy but, as I said before, I don't think a store of light works, for the reasons stated. Am I overthinking this? Probably. I start to fall back on things like 'essence' (ugh). 'Signature' is a word that relates to sound (or at least music), but doesn't convey a finite store. Tends more towards the permanent record model. If a person had a refrain that was part of the Symphony, and the Symphony itself was the combination of the refrain of every living being, and a person refrain was fueled by their inner energy (there it is again, grumble), then there might be the danger that a person's refrain could be snuffed out, like a pilot light, and never rekindled. Bah, I don't know if all this mince is any use, but at least we've proved beyond any doubt that I can go on a bit, sorry. What was the question?

Happy New Year to you, Hellas - hope it's a good one. Straight to business... Detailed comments below, but I'm coming back to my previous concern about the way that the Trinity are portrayed. I still struggle to believe them to be so naive and unworldly, inexperienced in governance but, even more heinously, in ‘human’ nature - details below. [Edit: Err, just spotted that I only read Chapter 7 before I posted! Clearly it's getting too late for me, off to bed, post the rest tomorrow.] ------------------------------------------------------- “My perfect memory captured every inch of her slim figure perfectly: her golden hair, crystal-blue eyes, wispy wings of silver light.” – Does he have a perfect memory? Is that because it’s eidetic, or do you men perfect in the sense that it’s an ideal memory, i.e. not necessarily perfect recall? If he thought she was safe, then he wasn’t making a choice between others or her dying. “tall, slim silhouette of Zhènyì, one of the most experienced healers in the city” – is this a female character? Beware of giving all the females in your story idealised (so called) body forms – mainly because it’s not realistic, but also because it reinforces a pernicious social stereotype – it also makes your story read like Baywatch. You don’t have to make her (is it a ‘her’?) Size 18, just don’t mention her measurements at all, unless they are relevant to character or plot. “Hellas, we…we were off duty. It took me ages to get the unit together and we had to get our equipment and organise ourselves and” – Something I meant to say last week in response to your response to my response to your Chapters 5 and 6 was in relation to the incompetency of the Council that you are aiming for. I think you need to emphasise that more – that it’s the Council’s fault. Even with that, I fear that it still makes people like Hellas, Catherine and Michael look incompetent – like here. Looking at the text that follows, about the Trinity standing the host down, it sounds like it’s something that they did on the spur of the moment, not something endemic in the procedures that are followed on a regular basis. If procedures are lax, why would they have to order the Host down, would it not happen automatically? What’s the threat level today, ‘Low’? Stand down the host then. It would be a decision made based on a procedure rather than the Trinity intervening in day-to-day military matters. Having said that, I find it hard to go along with. What is the cost to the Trinity in keeping the Host on constant readiness, even if just a skeleton or reduced force? They can’t be concerned about wages, presumably there is no economy. If it was idiocy, and Hellas knew this, why did he take the kids out on a training mission? It’s like he believed one thing, but acted according to the opposite. It seems inconsistent. No, hang on – I’ve dropped through a rabbit-hole somewhere. This is heaven. Isn’t everyone here dead already, or has never been alive at all? When you talk about people being dead – do you mean dead? Where have they gone? “If I’d had my way they wouldn’t have been anywhere near that beach.” – Whhaaaaaaat?! I know he tried to send them away, but he did take them to the beach in the first place. He took them out of the classroom, where they were intended to be, and took them to the beach – even though he disagreed with the policy of the Host being stood down, and therefore presumably disagree with prediction of threat levels, and yet he acted on the basis of those predictions. This is what I'm talking about in relation to inconsistency. “I don’t think there’s anyone here who holds you responsible for what happened to our children” – Maybe they should, or would if they knew what had happened. All the parents being so calm a forgiving seemed a bit too convenient to me. Elohim being open-mouthed with shock and gasping just feels wrong to me. I still struggle with how one so obviously fragile and inexperienced in statesmanship could be the king of heaven, but also could have created the world in seven days. There’s basically no nuance or subtlety to the Trinity, and they act so stupidly, so naively, that it makes them unconvincing, I believe. “He pushed past Rakha” – is the sprite not like 6 inches long or something? “It is because we have mollycoddled him that he has become this arrogant” – sounds about right. The end of this chapter certainly is interesting. I'm happy to believe the conflict between Hellas and the Trinity, but it’s their passivity and stupidity that bothers me. I'm just not convinced by it, and that prospect of them leaving heaven undefended when there have been attacks is relatively recent memory, certainly in their terms, and they know that Lucifer is still around.

Phew, breaking out in a cold sweat here with being so prompt with my comments – don’t get used to it. You know I'm on board from before. I may be enjoying the story more this time. Don’t know, it’s hard to tell, but I'm certainly enjoying it! My main problem is with the crash landing and how Origon is achieving the ‘touches’ on the surface without ramming them in a hillside. I don’t think there’s nearly enough sense of danger and risk. If he can’t see the ground or ‘read’ it with his abilities, then anything could happen. Detailed comments on this and some other stuff below. Really looking forward to completing my re-read!! ---------------------------------------------- “For now, it is enough to concentrate on the task.” – Not so much enough as critical to concentrate on the task, I would have thought. I do enjoy Origon’s finely tuned sense of vainglory! “tallying up sums on chalkboards” – wonderful. Sounds much like the Apollo programme... “four times his height across” – know what you mean, but it’s an awkward phrasing – take it they don’t use feet? “skilled in affecting the elemental aspects of air and of fire that the two houses affected” – slightly repetitious. “They would all be back by dinner” – Ha, ha – and it’ll be over by Christmas! I had forgotten the excellent drama of Ori’s discovering that the loss of invested light was, effectively, permanent. This section also reminded me that I was a bit confused first time around about what ‘light’ is. It still seems like something of a contradiction to be investing ‘light’ in the modification of a ‘symphony’ – i.e. using a visual aspect to modify an aural one. “He felt weaker already, and this was only the beginning.” – Great tension-building line – things are going to get worse... “Time flew by almost unnoticed as he put his full concentration into fighting his way through the air, a small sun strapped to his back. He was the capsule. They were moving fast enough that each change to Symphony was distant from the last. It was oddly liberating to be able to repeat the same composition again and again. Yet every time, some small part of him was ripped away.” – This is just a fantastic passage, full of action, tension but educational on the nature of magic. “twisted bonelessly” – I feel there is a better word as I'm quite clear how the captain is twisting. “Through it, Origon could see the bulk of the moon.” – I struck me this time around that there is a remarkable lack of wonder in Ori and the crew (not described, at least) at the fact of being in space. You describe the moon, but not the vista or stars – I don’t get much impression of scale. “if he wasted any more of his light” – Does he still think or the expenditure as a waste? “The Symphony would resist another change, especially if it was of the same type and in the same place” – I thought these were the conditions that related to a second change, but use of the word ‘especially’ suggest there are other conditions. Also, am I right in saying that, after the passage of suitable time, the same change can be made in the same place? This is how I remember it, but that don’t make my recollection correct. “not brought up to majus in the latest” – This phrasing confused me, I had to read the sentence a couple more times to get this. I don’t think you need it at all. “As far as he could tell, all their calculations and buttons were useless” – in what sense? Not sure I get that. So, all eight valves are open, but he’s only using three for the attitude correction? Suggestion: “he couldn’t correct that at the same time, not and stay conscious” – I found the phrasing awkward. “Not many realized how much air weighed (in normal circumstances), but the medium of communication here was nearly non-existent.” – I wonder if Origon should not be more surprised about this. No-one has been to space before, so I felt that it should be a surprise to him, even if he starts having rudimentary thoughts about atmospheric conditions. “He did not have time or attention to spare for the occupant” – but time enough for a wordy cogitation!! ;o) “He corrected upward with the remaining valves, though they moved more to the left” – I need to see more of how he is doing this. Presumably, the surface of the moon is irregular, with topography, but I get no sense of danger or of him steering. If he is doing this and trusting to luck, I think the sense of danger should be much greater. Any touch on the surface could be their last. There could be a mountainside approaching, touching the side of a down slope could throw them headfirst into a valley. I think this scene should be full of doubt, mortal danger and risk – unless Ori has some kind of piloting device at his disposal.

Ouch - I'm in first! Man, no other comments to crib from, oh well, here goes!! Detailed comments below, in the usual fashion, but I was disappointed with this submission. We should be ramping up to the big conclusion, but I felt that there was very little happening of any interest or that brought any tension. Unless I'm mistaken, the actual ritual of the Scholomance has started, but the reader doesn’t get to see the beginning. Also, it seems like an enormous issue to me that Rewer must have started the ritual with about two of his attendants (Texas and East Coast), but doesn’t seem to be missing them, then allows one to stroll in during the ceremony. I was ripped out of the story by this. I just felt that there was a lack of punch, that the phrasing often lacked urgency, and that the opportunity to massively ramp up the threat was overlooked. This is a ritual to summon the devil, but Evelyn seems to be the only one who is remotely scared of this possibility. Still looking forward to next week’s submission, hoping that the ante will be doubled and redoubled! -------------------------------------------------- So, Renfield is driving and Bannister is in the passenger seat beside him? I wasn’t clear on the blocking here, in part because Renfield appears not to be watching the road. It’s explained soon after, but I’d rather have a clear picture from the start. “Weariness lined her voice like a veil, muffling her words.” – awkward phrasing, ‘lined’ and ‘veil’ are both visual words, but we’re talking about a hearing situation. “Both Evelyn and Renfield said in unison” – self-evident. “I still don’t see why we couldn’t have gone back” – this form uses a double negative. “Renfield released a deep sigh himself” – awkward. What’s wrong with ‘Renfield sighed.’? “offered her the best chance of maneuvering through the camp unnoticed, without anyone noticing her.” “as she gritted her lip” – not sure this is possible. I don’t see any need for the section break in Stephanie’s section at the start of Chapter 54. “Who played him better – Jack Nicholson in that one movie with Cher or De Niro in that the one movie with Keanu Reeves” – also, no, it was PACINO. I find the pop culture references interesting / amusing as a film buff, but they do date a story quite a bit. Hopefully, most of your audience has heard of JFK, but Tupac? And in 5 years time? If I’d written this story 10 years ago (okay, maybe 20), I’d have said Jimmy Hoffa. How many people on this here thread know who he is? “the number of squats she’d been doing done on Leg Day” – suggestion What is Texas doing while Stephanie is grappling with East Coast? I don’t get what’s happening. You said the sun was setting, then it’s night after about eight paragraphs – that’s a continuity issue for me. I felt that the writing of this fight was rather loose and needs tidying up. I skipped through the second half. “His knife still lied lay or sat undisturbed in its scabbard” I'm skipping over the grammar stuff now. Now is there blood on Texas’ knife – I thought she just hit him with it – don’t remember her cutting him with it. So this is the Scholomance? It started without any fanfare or announcement. I don’t mean in the story, but in the narrative. Also, they are a man short, because Stephanie downed two but she is only one, of course. There’s no way Rewer is going to miss that. Also, how in the hell can he start with ritual when he’s two people down, and someone just drops in when they’re ready? Struggled with this a lot. “What’d do you do” – I presume you mean ‘What did you do’? There something off when Bannister seems to interject on his of comment about Stephanie being Jason’s chick – that was weird. “In the backseat, Renfield could hear Evelyn start to audibly pray” – he couldn’t hear her if she was praying inaudibly! “the billows clouds of smoke steam” – if the car has overheated in the classic sense, it’s not smoke coming from under the hood, but steam from the overheated cooling system. Also, I believe ‘billow’ is a verb. Some of the other words used in the description of the car expiring sounded odd to me. “Keeping quiet had been his specialty in the Marines.” – rofl, funniest line in some time. “turn such a crimson shade of scarlet” – these are two different shades of red, two different colours, in effect. “crimson binds on their mouths” – binds is a verb to me – I’ve never heard of a ‘bind’ used in the sense of a tie or a tether. “The man convulsed a bit before slumping over” – what purpose do the extra words serve, other than to slow the action down? “I suppose we’ll just have to think of something” – there are a few of these nothing lines. It’s stating the obvious and for me doesn’t add anything to the story.

Hi there, belated welcome to Reading Excuses and slightly less belated happy new year! Detailed comments below however, in summation, I enjoyed this first instalment of the story. I think you have captured the lyrical turn of phrase that is so appropriate to fairytale style stories. There are some places where I thought things could have been clearer, and there were a couple of things I found hard to swallow (like the range of sound carrying, for example0, but overall I liked it a good deal and I'm looking forward to your next submission. ----------------------------------- "to look and see where (Papa) went" - apologies for brackets, I don't have text formatting on my iPad, would usually underline these. "put that cold(,) hard stare (to) me" - on me? I found this phrasing curious. I'm not sure what OT being foreign has to do with his age, although this seems to be offered as some kind of explanation for why he is so old. I see now that thought is really linked to the next paragraph, but disjointed, maybe. I wound it strange that they would have a 'hall of records' and that this farmer and his son would check up old paperwork on OT. That's what I take from that passage. It's like an episode of CSI. I find it very hard to believe there isn't someone with a tin whistle or something in a whole county, unless it is a very, very small county. No way you can hear fiddle music at that sort of distance unless it is amplified, magically.... The phrase about wind and rustling grass came over odd to me. If it's not the wind causing the grass to rustle, then why connect the two? If it is the wind, then it's the same thing and sounds like repetition. The Half-Blind man is a nice introduction to the story. I found it a little meandering, a bit slow in places, but still enjoyable. I have no sense that this will be a rip-roaring adventure yarn, but I am perfectly happy with that. It's nice to read something more lyrical, more poetic in style. I enjoy your writing and find it has a wistful quality. "Until the heads stop(ed) bouncing." "I picked up each foot and wiggled (it) and..." I'm having some difficulty picturing the scale of the hill and the gradient of the path up to it. I like the passage about the nettles, that's nicely done and certainly evokes childhood memories! My concern is that this should bother him for the rest of the story. Those nettle stings are not going to calm down anytime soon, yet he seems to be up and running very soon after, and whistling happily (I presume) - that wasn't realistic for me. "a deep forest (lay) ahead of me" "Please give me your bread" - lol "you think very loudly" - lol "though you (are) a slow and stupid creature" - rofl The Swan and the Potions Man was very effective for me, with an excellent fairytale tone. The swan's last line sounds like a conclusion, but it still feels unresolved to me, so I'm not sure whether to expect some conclusion to that. I must read on! As noted, I'm sure those nettle stings would still be a major issue. "I (shrank) back against the cottage" I don't get the use of the word 'gripping'. What does 'It's gripping out.' mean?

I'm glad Mandamon mentioned the White Faces, that bothered me to, but I forgot. What also occurs now is that you mention Hellas being in excrutiating pain when he summons a (one) White Face. How does that pan out when he summons 500 of them? I also don't see how he can control more than about 2 or 3 in one battle.

Detailed comments below. Another submission full of progress and action (not just battle), but there were several things that did not add up for me. Hellas dismissive attitude to any kind of activity such as administration and teaching (of theory), or even any kind of lowly activity (as he perceives it), that is not glorious and worthy, is very demeaning to many good and noble people. I still don't like Hellas. I'm feeling him less tortured and more petulant and self-absorbed. The guards of heaven having the day off is a big issue for me too. Final major point, there is no cost to Hellas' magic, which makes it feel unremarkable. Still, there are many nice ideas and I continue to enjoy your style, which is very readable and pulls me through the submission with almost no difficultly at all, grammar-wise. Looking forward to the next instalment. ------------------------- "furthest thing on from his mind" "Hellas considered their job description as boring as their clothes were ridiculous" - this is a very dismissive thought. Their goals are worthy ones, are they not? Collecting garbage may be boring (actually, it may well not be!), but would Hellas dismiss all garbage collectors in this way? That's a nasty thought right there. "Michael had promoted him to Field Marshal" - How is it Michael promoted Hellas to a position that is level with his own? Something seemed off with this, to me. I struggle a bit with Hellas' attitude in this Council meeting. Councils are a very necessary part of society. Someone has to administrate, or all would be chaos. As a professional engineer heavily involved in development, I work with many Council officers. Their job may be boring, but it's necessary. I would make sure you stay on the right side of dismissing all pen-pushers just because their job is not glamourous or action-packed. For one thing, your audience will include a substantial proportion of pen-pushers!! Not sure how Elohim is being fraudulent if he's openly avoiding paying attention, at least he's not pretending, although it could be a sign that he is perpetrating fraud by saying on other occasions that he is deeply committed to council meetings. "Here, the shouting drill officers were thankfully very far away" - this phrase seems weird, rather illogical. I'm thinking on the lines of 'There were no drill officers here.' Do cloaks flicker? I know lights / candles do, but cloaks? Also, the line about marionettes, is it supposed to imply that Hellas' efforts at summoning a clone have improved a lot? I didn't think that was entirely clear. Further, you refer to it as an apparition. I think it's implicit that an apparition is insubstantial - but this appears to be solid which, to me, says it's something other than an apparition. I'm troubled by how easily Hellas conceptualises a solid, sensing summoning. Someone must have considered this before, surely. There's nothing to prompt him to try this (it seems to me). Why has he not done it before, because it's too difficult? It's certainly not a complex idea. If it's too difficult then how can he do it so easily? And there is no visible cost or effort involved in this, making it rather boring and unconvincing, I think. I like the description of the void, but I don't really understand the difference between Eclipse and Aspect energies, which I feel as if I should. Have I not been paying attention, I wonder. The capitalisation gets a bit much sometimes. I'm not sure it's necessary to have all these important terms capitalised, you don't lose any meaning from leaving them natural, but it makes the text more legible, I think. "did our time a long time ago" - I didn't understand the sense of this phrase, what idea it's trying to convey. Interesting chapter, some issues though, but I like the introduction of Raziel, which feels uncertain to me, as if this could backfire on Hellas badly. So what happened with the time difference in the void? It seems to have been glossed over. How long was he away and what time does he return? Does anyone miss him? "this approach is largely useless" Again, I think Hellas is brash and short-sighted here. This kind of dismissiveness, I think, shows a weakness in seeing that there is wisdom in the teachings of history and the wise people who populated it. Would he dismiss the writings of Sun Tzu or Machiavelli, or the experiences of Napoleon or Rommel, Alexander the Great? Surely the mistakes of past wars are worth studying. Some of the comments later in this discussion seem to indicate that Hellas does value the lessons of the past, in other words theory based on experience. I don't agree with his comments about the benefits of practical experience, but I do disagree with his initial attitude to theory. One of the students says an army needs conviction that it 'has to win'. This is not the same as conviction that it 'will win', which is what Hellas is talking about. Why is there no way to close Heaven's gates? I don't get that. Another thing troubles me here. Why do they need to rely at all on predictions, why not just keep a permanent guard? How hard can that be? Surely just common sense given all the unrest at the moment, and yet the Host (or the guards) seems to have taken the day off? Makes no sense to me. Hellas goes from fighting furiously to passing out, what happened? I don't see any cause and effect.