Robinski

Fair comment. I can only take your word for it, but it's good to hear your confidence in your story. Interested to read more if you're going to put it up.

Lol - great minds!

I will reciprocate and second Mandamon on this point. I thought that seeing the Prorochitsa being thrown into the world and out of her sheltered existance would have made a fascinating story, but that's a whole other ballpark! That aside, I was engaged with the prologue and would have liked to see where it was going, so a bit more would have been enjoyable and perhaps given added weight (in terms of setting and history) to the 'present day' setting that we are heading into. The more I think about it, the more enthused I am about reading more of the story. Snap to it!!

In honour of it being Wednesday, I thought it might be useful to put up the list of requests for Monday 16th. As of today we have: - Kammererite; - Krystalynn; and - Shadowfax Kuiper, I think you still have a slot this week. I have no problem reading a submission on Wednesday or Thursday (or whatever), personally, but do as you see fit of course, no pressure

Yeah, I'm going to disagree with Kaisa (perhaps not surprising) and a little with Mandamon (shocking!) - I was happy with the pace and the action of the combat, almost because there was little active engagement, but simply through the suspense of the Rex closing in. I had no problem with the arc and atmosphere of the chapter, just some of the details ticked me off a bit. I think it's a very nicely timed and judged ending to Part 1. Good character set-up and development, good, big reveal to keep the reader going and decent placement of the character in a difficult spot with a goal to reach in Part 2. I also imagine goals emerging for the rest of the book too. Get to Aurum to reunite with Calgary and Hayden, then plan how they are going to get Penton back from the Rex. Looking forward to the remainder of the story, here are some observations of things that, for me anyway, feel like they are ongoing issues: - Oz's character maybe needs a spot of tweaking - not wholesale at all - some of his reactions just seem to place him younger than he is, that was my impression anyway; - I'd like the Rex to be more of a threat. At present, they seem like angry humans with freaky eyes. I'm not a scared of them as I should be, I feel. - I still don't get the 'chute' thing. Maybe this is a triviality, but I miss doors, will Aurum have doors? I can't visualise a 'chute' as the way into and out of a building.

Phew, this chapter is quite the breathless rush of action. I’ve got some observations below, but overall I enjoyed it. I liked the breathless pace, the sudden reveal amidst the flight from the Rex and the constant feeling of threat, not so much from individual Rex, but from the threat of them falling on the fleeing humans. The initial failure of Penton and her Brides to be aware of the attack was my single biggest disappointment. That is just not convincing. It felt like it needed to happen for story purposes, but having no guards on duty did not convince me at all. The other bit that troubled me, although not as much, was the diatribe from the lead Rex. He seemed so lucid and almost humorous in places that it was hard to put that dialogue beside the description of the condition / infection. All-in-all though, good work, I think the plot is advancing nicely, not always as expected, and I'm keen to follow the story to the end. ------------------------------------------------------------------- “Still, as Raj come comes at me, I hesitate for a second—but only for a second” – It feel like a lot longer than a second as we go through the symptoms of turning Rex. It felt like a couple of minutes to me. Also, how do they know what Rex feel when they transform? It sounds like an account of someone having interviewed a Rex, which seems unlikely. “The gate is wide open, the external sensors are down, and the camera feed to the trading post arsenal is whited out.” – This is a chill down the spine moment, good job. “Calgary breaks his wrist with his first stomp and smashes his nose with his second.” – This reads like Calgary is taking the injuries. “Easier to suff us than kill us one by one” – What’s ‘suff’? At this point, I'm unhappy that neither of them is trying to raise the alarm. They have a flock of brides on the premises, some loud noise should bring them into the action and make the fight much more even, surely. Ooh, a gunshot should do it, and we’ve just had one of those. “But the alarms…” Penton, back in armor, looks from Calgary to the door. “We thought someone was working in the forge. Two of my Brides went to investigate, but they should have been back by now.” – Nope, sorry, this is pathetic. I had a good impression of the brides and Penton being competent, that just evaporated. I struggle to believe that they would have no guards / lookouts set. Eleanor strikes me as being comfortably paranoid enough not to trust to ‘mechanical/digital’ security systems. In fact, the trading post residents also seem foolhardy in this regard. “And Calgary might be something of a flirt, but it’s more than that.” “the four of us fall back, running back into the building” – repetition. “so relaxed its it’s almost human” “She tried tries to step in front of me, but I side step her” “The Rex doesn’t even have a second to draw his gun” – On the previous page he has two guns and they are both out. “black smoke ruminates in a waffle–shape over the sapling field we planted last year” – I don’t think ‘ruminates’ is the word. “I crack the heel butt of the gun” “I’ll go to Aurum. Calgary is there” – I thought that the first magnetar was wiped out by the second one. I was sure everyone in that first vehicle was dead. Looking back, the wording is “the first magnetar rounds the building a cloud of smoke and dust.” I just don’t feel it’s enough to clarify that they got away.

Sorry this is such an immense tome. I hope the comments are useful. Straight away, I'm very interesting to read something else by you after Twin Moon didn’t really connect with me (or me with it, I should say). The set up sounds interesting. Straight away, the set up engages me more than Twin Moon, I think because of the oversaturation of stories about werewolves, vampires, witches, etc. etc. I think the arcane has been seriously over-mined in the last 5 to 10 years. This entertains me more than Twin Moon. I like the dynamic between Jakob, Reil and Ellora – I think it works well and has potential to be sustained through the story. I like the initial events, and the plot set up of Jakob being an Empire guy who is seeing the error of his ways (presumably). I also like the central conflict between the Empire and the League, I feel that could play out nicely. I do have issues though, covered in detail below the line, but I’ll summarise them here: - Ellora being simple as well as paraplegic bothers me. Connecting these two things in her strays towards dangerous ground, and I don’t see a need for her to be simple for the purposes of the story. - Jakob’s dialogue is quite immature in places. I struggle to be convinced by him as a trained soldier, but find it especially hard to believe he is any kind of high-ranking officer. He comes across about 15/16 in places, although less so towards the end. - The whole thing-that-must-not-be-named thing is every bit as annoying as the sarcasm shtick from Twin Moon. Personally, I feel it makes them both look stupid, and I would probably put the book down at that point if I was browsing it in a store, not having bought it. On a critiquing level, I find it curious that both your female characters (that I’ve read so far) are painted as being stupid/annoying/flighty. I would have connected much more strongly with this story (for example), if Ellora was a bright, resourceful young woman refusing to be cowed by the bad fortune that life has cast upon her, fighting against her disability, or turning it around and using it as a strength, as the armour clear must be in some situations. I should say here that you do a nice job of pointing out the armour’s weaknesses so that she does not come across as Iron Woman, good job on that. I'm looking forward to reading more of this. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Chapters 1 and 3 - synopsis “A soldier wakes up at the local Doc’s house in a small village” – Arrrrrggghhhhh! I know it’s a synopsis, but unless the physician is one of the seven dwarves, why is doc(tor) capitalised? I'm troubled by the paraplegic becoming the assistant just by default of being there, it smacks a bit of discrimination. In other words, a paraplegic couldn’t be the assistant in any other way, like applying for the job. Or is that my own prejudiced misconceptions showing? It just felt off to me. “which are colloquially called angels” – Really? Angels again? I seem to read three stories a week about angels. (Ed – this is a massive exaggeration, but there have been several in the last year, say). I'm not sure why an energy construct would lose its memories as well, but I'm willing to believe it. “that Jakob was is [at least to start with] an Empire soldier, and that she locked away his memories to prevent him from revealing secrets” – If she locked his memories, then she is Empire too. Also makes me question again how the construct lost her memories. Chapter 4 ““Hey, El.” Jakob and Ellora They were approaching the final bend approaching the before town, when Jakob spoke up. “Before we enter the town, I’d like to point out that you never told me what was missing from my jacket.”” – This first sentence is very busy. ‘Approaching’ is repeated, as are the names. Because he says ‘El’ and the tag him as Jakob, you don’t need the repetition, it’s clear who is there and who is talking. Also, his dialogue is stilted. Read it out loud and see if you think it sounds like something a real person would say. Ha-ha, I see that you are calling the character Doc – so ignore my earlier comment about capitalisation ““Doc said I’m not allowed to tell you,” she mumbled.” The tag is part of the sentence (usually), certainly in this case. “Ellora thought for a while.” – A while sounds like a long time. Felt more like a ’moment’, although actually, I think you could drop it altogether. Yep, there it is. All this repetition of an awkward phrase is almost exactly like the opening of Twin Moon. You know how I felt about that, so I won’t repeat it here. I will say though that the female character is once again painted as the rather silly one. Also, the suggestion here is that Jakob and Reil considered Ellora to be simple. That is dangerous ground, being paraplegic has nothing to do with mental faculty, so you’re dangerously close to an objectionable (incorrect) stereotype there. “The sight he saw chilled his eyes to core” –Not his eyes, surely, his mind maybe, or his heart, even his soul – but his eyes are just balls of ‘water’. “Bloodstains decorated the walls” – I felt that they were further away, this jarred my sense of the blocking of this scene. In fact, “A trail of debris had been pushed aside to the southeast side of the town” now he’s seeing the southwest side of town. How can he see the whole town when he hasn’t reached it yet? “She’s in their there alone! She’s in danger!” – The dialogue is rather melodramatic. What is your target audience? I'm sensing it’s at the younger end of YA. Why does Jakob stammer? Unless they has a speech impediment, people don’t do that, that I'm aware. “Jakob sunk sank to the ground, tears forming upon his face” – I thought he was a trained soldier? I can’t see an experienced soldier breaking down in this situation, maybe afterwards from PTSD, but not in a potential combat situation. “I understand how you think know now, Jakob.” “and melts her armor onto her!” – Isn’t his first fear that she will die? This seems like an odd reaction. “melancholingly” – melancholically “Oh hey, Yvonne!” Ellora laughed. “I thought everyone here was gone!” – Back to more earlier point. I'm uncomfortable with the paraplegic girl being simple as well. “but there they’re probably terrified” “in it is very likely you are a high-ranking official” – Jakob’s dialogue and his actions make it difficult for me to be convinced he is this. His emotions and his words are unguarded, innocent – they seem uninformed by life experience – immature. I’ve stopped listing typos now, there are a lot – needs a good proof read. “This town was just one stop among many for her.” – Ellora’s voice does not seem entirely consistent. For most of the time, she talks like a 5 year-old, however here her dialogue is more complex and she uses the word supervision. There’s a big bunch of exposition from Ellora here which seems a little out of place, I kept looking over my shoulder, feeling unsure if they were safe at that point. “I think there was a better way to handle that Reil commented.” – Personally, I like to minimise dialogue tags, which makes that ones you do use more effective. To me, when Reil is ‘commenting’, it’s clear from the formatting of her text, so you don’t need a tag unless it conveys something useful. I don’t think this one does, for example.

Okay, I've taken a step backwards. I know what a tabard is, but have no idea what scapular is. I would probably skip over that word.

Type it into Google - "synonyms for tabard" - don't use a dictionary - too narrow in its terms of reference.

You sure it's not just a thin tabard? I searched tabard and it returned what I feel like you're describing. Try searching "synonyms for tabard" and you'll get a whole range of alternatives.

If we're still in the scribes p.o.v., you probably don't need the section break for one thing. I have no problem with the prologue being about different characters at a different time. That's kind of what prologues are for. Don't mind me theorising, I was just imagining where this line might go. I'm not against adjectives per se, but with vocabulary comes great responsibility, etc.

Lol - King of the impossible!!

Throw it out to the bear-pit - what's this word you're looking for? Animal, vegetable or mineral?

No pressure, Shadowfax, Monday is 24 hours long - take you time! ;o)

To answer the question I didn't cover above: - enough questions? - Yes - too many questions? - No I did feel that there was something lacking at the start of the queen's pov when the bombshell lands. Part of me wanted to hear the proclamation of course, but that's a secret at this point, I'm fine with that, most of me doesn't want to know it. I think the lack I felt was the connection with the scribe. Is he still standing in front of her, having just read out the Prochitsa's words, or has the queen dismissed him and spent a hour considering what to do? It's just a bit of disconnect between the two sections. That was my feeling anyway. Actually, the more I think on it now, it is important, because I think we need to know whether the scribe has just been condemned to death. He must be, surely, as she seems to be expunging everyone who has heard the prophecy. The scribe would need to be included in this. Also, does she have the book destroyed? That prophecy is sitting right there. Presumably, she takes the book away, but can she do that? That'll be some of those questions you were asking about! For what it's worth, I am now imagining a story where the scribe and the Prochitsa go on the run in a desperate quest to save mankind and escape their fate at the hands of the queen. That's what I'm thinking based on available information to date. That's enough to keep me reading, at this point certainly.

Yay - I'm first!!! That never happens. Petty, but strangely satisfying (sorry, I'm that shallow and competitive.) So, I like this prologue. I liked it before when I read the excerpts. The scribe bit is tidier now. I did misplace his age, and I think the references to that are inconsistent. Otherwise, you paint a strong picture of the Prochitsa. I was fine by Prorochitsa, which sounds more strange and otherworldly. I think the problem with odd names is that many readers skim over them and don’t take the moment to get them straight before proceeding. Case in point, as a youngster reading LotR, I went through the whole thing reading Aragon instead of Aragorn. Doh! Sorry, I digress – a couple of other points. I know we’re in the queen’s pov, but the lack of shocked reaction from her retinue of advisors felt odd. Even if this is something that happens once in lifetime (for them anyway!!), the lack of feedback felt a bit odd. Also, I was slightly underwhelmed by the scribe’s reaction to this world-shattering event. For me, that could have been dialled up slightly. Good job, though. I'm keen to read more. Is there more? Can we have more please? ---------------------------------------------------------- There are a lot of adjectives, almost every noun has one. I'm trying to decide if it others more. I guess I noticed it, but they do add description (obvs). Maybe if you dropped every fourth noun without an adjective (for example), it wouldn’t have stood out for me. Dunno – possibly a non-issue. “a cloak made from the soft, fine fur” – These two words seem almost the same. I think you could drop one. “The scribe sat in steady silence,” – Here, for example, I don’t think this adds anything. “His job was to record the prophetic utterances of the Prochitsa into in a sacred volume of books called the Kreshmoi” – A volume is one book, if I'm not mistaken, which I might be. “only a dozen over the years” – For some reason, I thought this meant a dozen volumes, on rereading I guess it means a dozen utterances. Also, I had to scan back to check the number of years (12) to ascertain that it was one utterance per year, on average. “the young man scribbled” – I have pictured the scribe as at least middle-aged. I think it was because of the weariness conveyed in the first line or two. I imagined him as 40s to 50s. “He stood and, quick as he could manage, wrapped the Kreshmoi” – I think. “a younger and less experienced scribe” – Again, this seems to indicate an older man. “and quick-walked directly to her private chambers” – Yuck, sorry, but surely there is a better description. Strode? Paced? Hurried? Dashed? Marched? Rushed? Hastened? Scurried? “She held her eyes open wide in an effort to hold back the stinging flood that begged to escape.” – Repetition of ‘hold’ – also, the last phrase seems overcomplicated to me. “the hot stream of tears broke free, cascading down her cheeks” “She would desperately miss her children” – Topic for discussion. Split infinitives: does anybody care? Serious question, I'm not trying to be glib. It’s the old Star Trek issue. Technically ‘to boldly go’ should read ‘to go boldly’, or ‘boldly to go’ (either of which, I think, would have been fine). Here, I think ‘She would miss her children desperately’ is better. As it delivers the emotional punch at the end of the sentence and doesn’t split the infinitive. I'm interested in people’s opinions on this. Like anything else, the odd one probably doesn’t matter, but I see this a lot on RE, and I always notice. Interesting to look out for it in the fiction you are reading and see where it gets past publishers / editors.

Second trombone here. Everyone stand to attention. Taking Silk's post as the benchmark, Monday 9th May appears to look like this, in order of request: - Kuiper - Shadowfax - Kaisa - Aeromancer - Spieles - Kammererite Is there anyone here who is not ready or does not now wish to submit? Spieles, I see your latest message. I presume you are ready to go, and were in as 5th request, so I would say go ahead.

Hurray! (Strange coincidence, watched The Illusionist last night, from the story Eisenheim, The Illusionist - for those who don't know.)

Some things I didn't mention, but others have: Oz/Hayden - I thought their previous encounters were abuzz with sexual/romantic tension, seems absolutely reasonable to me. I have no problem with her making the first move. Many teenage boys are so romantically blinkered that they need an invitation in triplicate and instruction manual - I know this as fact because I was one! (A teenage boy, not an instruction manual). I will agree with Aeromancer on the science bit. I glossed over it because I was willing to let it go as a piece of prime hand-wavery, but Aeromancer is right to challenge the scientific basis. Flip to impress Hayden - absolutely juvenile, and therefore bang in character for Oz as an 18 year-old boy. I think it's more surprising that he is as mature as he is in certain other things.

There are numerous detailed comments below, but one scene elevates this submission and pulls the story up a level (imho) and that is the make-out scheme with Oz and Hayden in the playground. This is not for reasons of cheap sensationalism, but because of its confident and convincing construction. She makes the first move, highly plausible because of the higher emotional development of girls vs. boys, but the added dimension of her lack of air gives it a wild and risky aspect that seems entirely consistent with Hayden’s character. The coup-de-grace is the way the ending of the encounter is forced by the arrival of Johnny, engendering resentment in Oz. Excellent work. Houston, we have a problem. The end is a nice drop, we know it’s a Rex from the purple knots (don’t we?) but until it turns around, we’re not 100% sure and still maybe have a vestige of hope. For me personally, I would have preferred the last line to be dropped. “Mum found dad,” is all kinds of heart-wrenching, agonising and frustrating all on its own. I guess the challenge is confirming it’s a Rex. My concern came right at the back of my satisfaction, and the issue seems glaring to me. Why an earth would Johnny take all the time to find Oz when there is a base full of other people, and there is a Rex in the camp. Johnny must know that he has to raise the alarm as quick as humanly possibly, surely? It’s a strong submission in a story that I'm invested in. Some characters need work to be truly convincing, I think, but the set up is clearly set out and convincing enough. There’s plenty of conflict, even in what appear to be positive relationships. I'm enjoying it, and I'm keen to read more. ----------------------------------------------------- Reading the intro, I'm reminded again of my concern that Penton would invite an 18 year old into her cabinet when it seems likely that there must be a number of experienced individuals with more life knowledge and political skills that are suited to the job. Recruit him in a soldiering capacity, or into an intelligence role by all means, but the word ‘cabinet’, to me, screams politics, which is where I have a credulity gap. “her legs elongated to the end” – what does this mean? Sounds weird, I'm picturing Mr. Fantastic – or rather Mrs. Incredible. In fact, her whole posture sounds awkward. Why would anyone sit like that? When Oz seeks to sit down, her posture seems to be a contrivance to create an awkward situation between then. Can he not sit on the opposite side of the table? “I would have liked to have seen that” – Awkward, but easy to simplify. “You can’t work for yourself” – I don’t know what this means in the context. I was disappointed that the revelation of Hayden’s standing dissolved into an info dump instead of resting on Oz’s reaction, and in the end, we don’t know whether she left or not – I presume she did. Finally here, how is a laugh bitter and smoky? Bitter I get, but smoky sounds like sexy – those don’t seem to go together. “With her hair bumpy and loose” – again, loose is clear, but what do you mean by bumpy? “Night leaves a frost” – I was totally thrown by the sunlight line, because I thought it was night. The cause of my disorientation was the opening line of this section, which carries night in the present tense – it should be past. “With a perfect score” – Cliché, or at least predictable in a bad way. I thought the test had some questions that were not absolute yes-no questions. “they’ve shuttered one by one. Ours is one of the last ones left in the north” – This line has the word ‘one’ four times – I reckon that’s a couple too many. Here’s another awkward physical situation. Why does Penton bend down to lean her arms on a wheel barrow which must be two/three feet or so off the ground? She would need to kneel down. It sounds contrived so she has to brush off the dirt. “too many of our factory workers now have purple knots just above their collar bones” – Do we know what this means? Hard to care about it otherwise. “but I keep my tone polite” – This clashes with him shovelling dirt while she was leaning on the bin (I thought it was a wheelbarrow?), which was an antagonistic action. “build a solar park with the additional sunlight” – This sounds like they’re going to construct the park out of sunlight, seems like it should be ‘for’. “you can have iguana for dinner every night” – lol “he returned home only because it was his duty to do so” “but when I meet her eyes” – There’s a lot of people examining people’s faces and looking into their eyes, etc. A certain amount of that is necessary, but I feel myself starting to notice it a lot and wonder if it’s too much. Maybe I'm wrong. The exchange between Penton and Oz is good. Going back to my concern about so much attention focusing on an 18 year old, I like that there is another reason for him to be involved, namely his connection with the Del Reyes. “The old playground is a fossil sticking out of the slope” “When I’m settled, sitting cross-legged on top, I sit down and pull the Pentons’ biography out of the database” “This playground used to be is where I’d meet Pascal before she ran away to Aurum” “just walks to the ladder and with surprising agility” – Why is it surprising, she’s trained for such things, is she not? “I keep my voice normal, no matter that my heart is racing” – Not keen on this word here. What does it mean? I’d prefer something more descriptive. “Hayden shrugs. “She avoided me—probably because of my dad” – Is it not ‘avoids’? “nodding as her eyes trace the lake’s opposite far shoreline” – suggested for awkwardness. Super scene in the playground, it’s edgy, emotional, bittersweet and ending on a properly dramatic, angst-ridden note. Their nascent relationship already feels broken and on a breakneck path towards doom. I don’t understand why you put a scene break in – narrative seems to plough right on – I wouldn’t bother.

My work here is done... but somewhere in this song-forsaken town there's some poor sap who needs a good hard dose of Rodgers and Hammerstein*, but just doesn't know it (* Webster and Fain just don't trip of the tongue in the same way)

Maybe by now it's an epilogue?