Hi, sorry to only just be reading this!!
Yea, I'm genderfluid and an enby most of the time, though I'm AFAB so
For a while, I also felt uncomfortable with they/them pronouns, which was in part due to internalised transphobia (and a family who calls it bad grammar). It felt like anyone who tried to gender me as anything - even as "not gendered" - was wrong. If I didn't know my gender myself, it felt unfair, almost, for other people to guess at it. The first time I mentally referred to myself as "they", I actually ended up panicking - it was a year ish before I came out the egg.
Well, expecting anyone to feel a certain way about anything isn't healthy for anyone, even if that person is yourself.
It's not uncommon for dysphoria to increase when you come out the egg, perhaps because you're paying more attention to your gender? Also, really really bad analogy, but if you have a strained muscle and take painkillers, you still have a strained muscle.
Real. I don't know how much my perception of life and myself will change when I eventually socially transition, if much at all, but I just hope I'll feel more defined than this.
And that's good! It's good you're open to everything, it's good you have people you can trust to tell!
I'm not an expert on hormone therapy, sorry. Part of me also gets scared I'm not queer sometimes, because being part of the community is a big part of my identity and I get worried I'm faking it, especially when my gender and sex align more.
What if you're wrong? You'll have gained more knowledge of your own identity and thought about it more than most people ever will, and have learned a bunch while you're at it.
Gender expression varies a lot; you've probably heard there's no "right" way to "look queer".
Wanting to connect to people is pretty hard if you feel like you're hiding a large part of your identity from them, when you're questioning or when you're confident.
I'm afraid I'm not particularly useful in this department; I have no clue how I've managed to end up with friends despite having 0 social skills. No idea what my romantic attraction's doing, either. But I do have a friend who says they mistook a lot of their gender envy for crushes, if that's any help?
I also get this; it feels like I never quite belong in either group. Do you know any IRL trans folk? If so, it can be good to discuss your experiences with them.
You aren't a bunch of walking stereotypes! No one is! Everyone is more complicated and multifaceted than that; it makes the world fascinating! I'm scared of enjoying stuff associated with being feminine because I worry others will misgender me as a result. But if I do, does that make me a woman? Nope! It makes me an enby with hobbies! (Well, most days). Activities being associated with gender is weird, anyways, so don’t feel they define each other.
Sorry I couldn't say more; I ended up speaking largely from personal experience! Also sorry for taking so long to reply. I hope something here is of use!