Silk

As I go: Wait, there are FTL ships? Huh. The setting is pretty firmly grounded in near-ish future and I think this is the first mention of the existence of, for lack of a better term, space opera technology. It’s a bit of a stumbling block, but I expect it could easily be swapped out for some other, more feasible piece of space-faring (or whatever) technologies. “I need you at the top of your game…” which is why he’s had four gins? I wonder a little if the scene with the stuffed animal is a little too infantalizing (aren’t most 14-year-olds a little beyond being asked if they’ll cuddle a toy?) but it’s good to see the android mentioned here, plus we get the lovely little character detail of “He’s watching the door...” “If she makes pee-pee, I’ll know.” Speaking of infantalizing. This strikes me as … unnecessarily creepy. P6 “… hardly fair after what she’d been through. ‘I’m sorry” – needs closing punctuation and quote marks. P7 “I can think of a couple of candidates…” but she only names one. I was half-hoping she would pull a big reveal on Q here (however inadvertently). Given what you mentioned about upping the personal stakes for Q in the last chapter, maybe she could at least say something that makes it harder for Q to avoid formulating his own suspicions? “…or Mor knows about it.” Well that might help address some of the concerns people have with MC calling from inside the house, so to speak. Bottom of p7 “I’m bang out of prospects I’m my sector” should be “in” P9 “I’m a Belter…” Just noting the same term is used in Corey’s The Expanse. Also, this conversation is telling me that the space colonization programme is a lot bigger than I’d believed; until now I thought it was just the moon, but it seems that isn’t the case. P9 - “TOM” - Q and M have been using this between themselves, but I don’t think E would have heard it? P12: “Matt black” should be “matte black,” I’m guessing? It’s a relatively minor issue and one I’m almost certainly going to be in the minority on, but I’m still experiencing some cognitive dissonance over the amalgamation of Canadian and American governmental institutions here. I’d pretty much managed to reconcile the use of the term “president” with your fictional NAF, but then in this newscast we have PL addressing the audience as “fellow Canadians,” specifically, and it’s weird again. (See also terms like “Democrats” in reference to Canadian politics.) Especially since you have the detail of PL making statements from Victoria (which is the home of the BC Legislature, although Parliament, of course, is in Ottawa). I think, especially given the relatively low visibility of the political plot and related worldbuilding, it’s just hitting that weird spot where it’s different enough from how things work that I want to correct it, but not different enough that I can just wave it away as a fictional construct. I acknowledge that it is entirely possible that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here, and the molehill is currently buried under the accumulated results of three snowstorms in as many weeks, so… Overall: Most of my big-picture comments are the same things that you’ve been hearing ad naseum for a while now: Q&M need to go finally kick some butt, etc., etc. I'd also second the comment from others that I enjoyed this chapter more than I expected to, given the general "are we there yet?" reaction you've been getting from me over the last few chapters. I am also going to leave the phone call between the two sheriffs alone because this will probably change now that the rewrite of the last chapter has DK acquiring a new and exciting lead-based piercing. There are a couple of things in this chapter that seem to be meant to bear a lot of the narrative tension, and they’re not quite having the impact they could. One is the revelation (for the characters) that TOM is fixing the election. It makes perfect sense that the characters are only putting this information together now, but it’s something that the reader has known for a long time. For this to work as a dramatic revelation, the readers have to get something that we didn’t know before. This could be a greater sense of the actual stakes—what bad things happen if TOM gets to fix the election?--which there is maybe an opportunity to do with the conversation between Q and E on the very bottom of page 8, although given the way the worldbuilding has been presented so far that’s probably a rabbit hole you don’t want to go down. Maybe there is a way to turn this information into something actionable for the main characters. The other is the newscast from PL, which even aside from the space it takes up is given a fair bit of emphasis. Given that the town is already under some fairly extreme measures and people are already leaving under their own steam, I’m not sure why the total evacuation seems to have struck WK—pardon me, the Chef—as so ominous. Granted, “free rein to shoot anything that moves” is pretty dang ominous in any context and it certainly raises the stakes here in a way that I appreciate. I’m just not sure why the evacuations, in particular, would have convinced WK to think that shenanigans were afoot. I KNOW. We should just add this to the T-shirt queue. Yeah I don't think I emphasized this enough. I really did enjoy the moment, it's just the one bit of dialogue about the stuffed animal that struck me as a bit odd. I'm also going to second @Mandamon's comments about consequences re: the election fixing. It's actually something I think we could use a bit more of earlier, too.

...well, shows you how much attention I've been paying,yikes! Take everything I've said with majority shares in a salt mine, apparently. Or just blame WRS and let's move along, nothing to see here Fair enough, though it'd be a great piece of worldbuilding if you could find a way to leave it in there. It's something I've been low-key wondering about for a while. That makes more sense, tbh! Nope, it was about time for a little reminder, I think; this particular aspect of things has been fairly low-key until now. It's certainly somewhat melodramatic, but that seems to be entirely in keeping with MC's character so far, so no concerns from me! Love it. Exactly, yeah. Right now the issue is that I don't understand what the book tells Q&M that Mor couldn't find out otherwise. I shall henceforth refer to him as Chef WK. Or maybe just the Chef. On a micro level, I think this will definitely help with some of the issues people have expressed with that scene, and will probably make some things in the next chapter go down a bit easier as well. On a macro level, I think it's worth pointing out that this could end up being a bit of smoke an mirrors; it's now a gunfight instead of people talking, so it feels more active, but it's still going to serve the same function as the version of the chapter we just read, which is to keep Q&M from getting to a goal that readers are very eager to see them arrive at. Even knowing that you've done some pretty significant trimming of the earlier chapters, if the current structure remains mostly unscathed, I think this will still be an issue to some extent. So, I wonder: maybe you've taken care of this already, but could something happen to make us feel like the plot is actually moving forward in some way? Mor could reveal something, deliberately or inadvertently (heck, this chapter is from Mo's point of view; it could even be MC's identity, since I could easily see Mo cottoning on before Q does), or our heroes could inflict some kind of setback on him for a chance; he could be injured, or they could feed him information that actually sends him in the wrong direction (which I I like better, but I am of course just throwing suggestions at the wall here).

Ah, I see. I actually find that the pronouns can be a helpful cue when introducing a new character, as it gives me another memory peg to hang a particular character on until I can learn a little more about them.

Yes, knowing someone's pronouns versus knowing their genital configuration are are two very different sets of information. I think that artificially having the Net streamline this into a gender binary would actually undermine a lot of the worldbuilding that's been done, since it would effectively erase a component of the identity of many of the species depicted, humans included. It's certainly going to increase the learning curve for some readers coming into this world, but this is going to vary a lot - and xie and hir are already becoming relatively common neopronouns, so there certainly are folks for whom this won't be new at all. If anything, I would second the suggestion of having a few more reminders of the different species' appearances in places to help readers distinguish them in our minds.

At this point I could fill an anthology. Also! Just did the list cleanup for this year. I don't think I removed anybody who asked to say on, but if I removed anybody by mistake or you just didn't have a chance to respond to the cleanup email, just PM me your email address again and I'll get you right back on!

He's doing a good job of looking menacing! I am laughing so hard at the "furrosaurus" designation. Speaking of furrosauruses (furrosauri?): Last night I took my dog outside to chase his toys and somehow the zipper on my coat attached itself to his harness, which I couldn't get undone for several minutes. Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've been involuntarily tethered to 95 pounds of squirming, overly excitable, three-legged Rottweiler in the pitch dark of night while standing on a path made entirely of ice. Also: Cranberry muffins! Cranberry apple crumble! I'm glad the muffins turned out to be more appetizing after they were baked, because before they went in the oven the looked an awful lot like brain matter...

Awesome, so we have @industrialistDragon, @Robinski and @Mandamon for tomorrow. Two slots left if anybody wants them. Also: I just did the list cleanup for this year. I'm pretty sure I didn't remove anybody who responded back, but if you stop getting emails all of the sudden, just DM me your email and I'll add you back on.

@kaisTotally! I'm nowhere near a competent enough cook to just make up my own recipes (maybe one day I will be, at this rate!) so I used this one from AllRecipes.

Yes, I think this is what's been happening with our longer-standing issue where certain people aren't getting certain subs; thanks for confirming. I'm not sure that's down to the email list, honestly, since we've had at least one instance of the problem recurring when someone sent their sub directly. I'll try to find instructions for how to redirect those emails on PC and Mac and add them to the FAQ on the guidelines thread.

Ooh. This is the first time we’ve had a M POV, isn’t it? I'm all for it, though it does seem a bit odd to be adding a new POV, even though she's not a new character, this late in the game. Right near the top of p3. “totally faced him through the bars.” Missing word here, I think. Also, who is it that’s “dressed like a tramp,” Mor or M? Mixed feelings about Q’s speech to Mor on p4. I get that he is both stalling and hates Mor’s guts, and I get the sentiment, but it feels a tad overwrought, in particular the “joy of epiphany” description. I get why WK would immediately draw on Mor, but I don’t understand why K did too – it’s his station, wouldn’t he know Mor was down here since Mor has already said he was here to give a statement? Also, the deputy pointing their gun at WK seems to be totally forgotten in the ensuing chaos. I assume this is meant to indicate that the deputy is actually under Mor's thumb, but it's not remarked on by any of the characters, either at the time or after, so we don't get any sort of confirmation. P5: “Her senses swan...” Should be “swam,” I imagine. Hmm… curious again about what kind of rights AIs have in this world. “Factory reset” seems like something that could wipe out an android’s personality, but if so M doesn’t seem worried. It also seems strange that this would be mandated before determining if the android was involved in a crime. The rest I get. Maybe WRS, but I have no idea who MJ is. Hmm, why are they shipping E off to Creston with the rest of the gang? She wasn’t actually involved in any of the stuff WK wants the crew for. Presumably the same would be true for D. “Wine sucked armpits.” Thank goodness I’m not much of a wine drinker to begin with; that description might be enough to put me off the stuff forever. P8, “D*, q, but she’s exhausting.” Q’s name should be capitalized here. “That’s one of M’s job,” should be “jobs.” “Q glanced at her. She” Capitalised S needed here too Hmm, it’s going to be interesting to watch E interact with MC and possibly figure out who he is. Especially if E is aware of the familial connection. Wouldn’t the voice coming out of the pub speaker’s system freak the rest of the pub out? Also, being able to hack both WK’s line and the pub speakers means that MC potentially has a lot more hacking power than we’ve previously been lead to believe; it’s one thing to have one line and keep it open, but to start hacking other lines on demand seems to be something else again. “He let all the creatures out, in case you haven’t guessed. All but one.” Oh, very nicely done here. If MC really wants the group to come to Gen and set him free, wouldn’t his best bet be to tell Q exactly who he is? I am a little frustrated at this point that they’re all just going to abide by the curfew like good little boys and girls. Q and M getting to MR and TT has been coming for a long time and I’m very eager for them to just get to it, already. I'm also still having a bit of trouble suspending my disbelief in terms of Mor not knowing where MR and TT are. Had he not been to MR's house yet, did he just not find the book, wouldn't them owning another house (it was implied that this was a vacation home) be something that Mor could have tracked down without finding the pictures anyway? This is a good point. If they can hack Gen's systems enough to get a secure line out (or formerly secure) without Mor's knowledge until, apparently, very recently, why can't they let themselves out? Presumably now they're especially motivated to do so, knowing that Mor's coming for them. I was okay with this, because M seems to make the same assumption that Mor's packing even if she can't see the weapon. Hm, maybe a regional thing again. Common enough expression in my neck of the woods to say you've got someone "onside" as in to agree with something. Seconded. Yeah, I'm feeling this too. Like, we could just ignore the curfew (for example), or it could just be earlier in the day so the curfew's not a problem yet. (And then maybe they risk getting caught out after curfew, which might be a more effective way to use that particular threat.) Good call! Seconded! Yeah, I mean, there's no reason this conversation couldn't have happened on the way to TT and MR, say. Although then we'd all be complaining about another travel chapter.

As I read: At first I assumed that the first scene was some unexpected catastrophe, and was a little surprised to reach the end of the scene and find out that this is apparently something that happens often. Since it apparently does happen often, I’m very curious to know why, if the buildings can’t be saved, they haven’t evacuated the district/city/etc. or put other safeguards in place? The slow destruction of a city that everyone is just resigned to is an intriguing setup, but I think we’ll need some answers sooner rather than later as to why this phenomenon can’t be mitigated in some way (other than what is essentially magical first responders). This is especially true because magic seems to be both commonplace and powerful, and we don’t have a sense of what its limits are. The discussion around the table implies that this is only one group out of the full orchestra, but if this is such an emergency, I wonder why isn’t the full orchestra present? There are a few points in the dialogue of this second scene that feel a little “as you know, Bob,” explaining to readers what the characters should already know, i.e. “Much of their archive was destroyed…” “… the domain of the Vocalists...” I think the information we’re getting is good, but I think there are places the dialogue can be trimmed so that it feels more like a conversation between people who already share the same cultural context, and less like educating the readers. Much of what’s being said here doesn’t need to be spelled out as explicitly as it is for readers to get the point. “had spread through the city fast as a rumor…” nice. With the bakery’s collapse, I find I have the same questions again: Why are they just hanging out in a city that's literally falling in on them? We now know that they don't know how to fix the cause of the sinking but there must be things they can do to mitigate the dangers, even if that's just abandoning some parts of the city for safer zones. The sinkhole and the suggestion that things are getting worse helps a bit, but definitely with the first building it seemed like they were basically just letting it happen. I’d originally thought this was going to be a story about getting to A, so it felt like a bit of a letdown when they got to A’s grave so easily – and without a whole lot of planning, it seems. I really like the “Are you wearing pants?” as a sort of comedic anti-climax in opposition to what E (and readers) are expecting from the raising of this famous figure. I almost want to see it emphasized a little more, for example, making it its own paragraph while E tries to find an appropriate reply. Okay, so the appearance of two new people, again, really makes it seem like E and C did not plan this very well. Did they not know that the interior would be guarded, and if this is such a crime, why didn’t they take the time to find out? “It’s the opposite of floating.” Yeah, I like her. “...their best goldfish impressions.” Hah. Wait, E knows what’s going on? I thought she didn’t and that’s why they raised A in the first place? Why does C have to be the one singing for the whole week? Can one of the other vocalists not take over? Hmm, the end, mentioning the repeated C4 chime is the first time anything the musical aspect of any of the magic has been described in anything approaching technical detail. Not necessarily a bad thing, but noticeable. At the end we also have the reappearance of a few of the percussion characters whom I didn’t find super distinct. I was fine with that at the beginning because I didn’t have the sense that they were terribly important, but it does mean that their reappearance at the end doesn’t have much emotional impact. Overall: I really liked A, and the central idea was neat. That said there are two major things that I think could really be used to strengthen this piece: The worldbuilding wasn’t quite there for me. I’ve already harped on the way the characters are handling their falling city, which messed with my suspension of disbelief in several places. I also wanted a little bit more around the taboo of raising the dead and how that affects the world and the people who practice that particular art. We get one very solid conversation around this between E and C when she asks for his help, but other than that it feels like people just find it generally icky. Which is fine, but maybe seems like a thing that could otherwise be gotten past when your city is literally falling into the sea. That being said, I think that how much you want to beef up the worldbuilding on that point depends a bit on what you want the focus of the story to be. That was the other thing that I felt could use some improvement: is the focus on getting past the politics and cultural taboos? Or is it physically sneaking into the mausoleum in order to get to A? Right now it feels like both are getting too much attention to just be minor obstacles or setting details, but neither is getting enough attention to be the major obstacle of the story. If it’s meant to be a political intrigue or a character/emotion focused piece, then I think we want to see E either persuading people to her side or maybe failing to do so and going ahead anyway, and the costs and consequences for that. If the politics and cultural stuff is meant to play second fiddle (ahem) and it’s more about them sneaking into the mausoleum, then I’d want to see less arguing with the people in the orchestra and more tomb raiding: planning on how to get in/avoiding the guards, more obstacles as they actually do make their way inside, and more understanding of the bad things that happen to them if things go wrong.

*blink blink* Y'know, I can't say I was expecting anything in particular when I opened this thread, but I definitely wasn't expecting what I got. Quick business note: I think I may have accidentally "solved" the mystery of certain people not getting certain subs from people, at least for those using Gmail accounts to receive their emails. Turns out Gmail is filing some, though not others, under the "Promotions" tab for some reason. What I'm not sure is what's triggering that or how to stop it. But until then, if you don't get a sub and use gmail, try that first? I'll update the FAQ as well. Also! People have been sharing their baking efforts so behold, my efforts to use up turkey dinner leftovers in hopefully interesting ways: Southwestern turkey soup and turkey pot pie! Both went over really well, and also are, apparently, quite filling. So now, instead of having leftover turkey to contend with, I have leftover turkey, leftover soup, and leftover pot pie. Am I doing this "using up the leftovers" thing right? Next up, disposing of leftover cranberry sauce via cranberry muffins and a cranberry apple crumble.

As I read: I don’t think that a slow start is necessarily a bad thing, but it is worth noting that the piece gets off to a slow start. By design in this case, I suspect, and I wouldn’t change too much about it – the initial description is lovely- but there is a little repetition in terms of describing the fog that could probably be trimmed down just a bit. That being said, I really liked the description of the world “made small by fog.” I would like to see a little more build between the first scene in the car and the second scene, doing the baking, where the narrator senses that something is obviously not quite right with her daughter. In the first scene, I found it odd that the narrator so easily dismissed the daughter’s comment without really asking any questions at all, even if she knows (“knows”) that the answer is just pre-school drama. I also think there is an opportunity here to start building up the sense of “something’s not quite right”-ness by having the narrator question the daughter even a little bit more and being rebuffed, or by having the daughter say something else strange. It’s a minor point, but this sort of slow build is, I think, really important in the type of atmospheric horror that you seem to be going for. Especially since both the first and last lines of the scene seem to indicate that scene signals a pivotal moment or turning point that the narrator’s just not aware of yet. P4 “But then the timer began going off downstairs distracted me” either delete “began” or “began going off downstairs and distracted me” - probably the former because this sentence there’s another “and” already in the sentence. P5 – I’m glad we’re finally getting an explanation of the daughter’s nickname. I did and do find it odd that we go throughout the whole story without ever mentioning the daughter's name, but I did sort of suspect even early on that it was deliberate, and having read the end this makes sense to me as a conceit. The last line is fantastic. Overall: One of the things that I think the piece did really well was balancing the domestic against the surreal and frightening – oh, my daughter said something weird, but maybe it was just a weird turn of phrase, or shoot, the boys broke an ornament. Stylistically, I noticed that the prose was often written in a way that somewhat obfuscates who (almost always the narrator, when this sentence construction crops up) is taking the action, i.e. “the car glided” rather than “I drove the car” or “we glided” etc – there were a few of these re: the car even in the first few paragraphs – or “my hand flipped the rearview mirror up.” This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, certainly not all the time, but it has the effect of making the text seem passive even though it’s not written in passive voice. Worth being aware of, and maybe using to specific effect. There’s also a lot of atmospheric description in the piece. Individually all of these descriptive lines are quite nice, but they do add up to a lot, and you could probably trim them a bit throughout. The biggest thing I found was that I wanted to feel a little more prepared for the ending. We get the foreshadowing that the daughter is going to be “gone,” but not really the hows, the whos, or the whys – in this case that something or someone has taken her. This definitely a balancing act, because this kind of horror relies very heavily on what the reader doesn’t know, but I do think this story could give us just a little more information: right now we know something is off with the narrator’s daughter, but not, until the very end, that something or someone is coming for her. Could we get some hints of that presence or that outcome earlier on? The absence of the gingerbread cookie might have been pointing in this direction, potentially, but all of our other clues that something is amiss relate specifically to the daughter herself. It could potentially increase the emotional impact of the ending, too, by giving the narrator (and the readers) that there is definitely something that the narrator is working against. Right now, the ending has a sense of inevitability about it—but it might actually be more horrifying if the narrator feels that maybe this is something that could have been stopped, and she failed to do it. And I think I’ve answered your questions above, but in case it wasn’t already clear, yes, it definitely was interesting to me! I quite enjoyed the overall vibe and line-by-line writing, even though I picked on the latter a bit. Seconding @Mandamon's suggestion of "Winter Bird" for a title. I sort of talked myself into "wounded" as being related to the pre-schooler drama comments, but I stumbled on this line too. I figured I could live with it when I read it the first time, and more so knowing how the story ends, but it does seem a little overwrought for the information we have at that point in the story. Incidentally, I assumed throughout that whatever happened was going to be centered on the daughter in some way. I kind of wondered about this too! This particular event stood out as being more of a device to say 'hey, something's wrong' than any of the other happenings did. Why is the ghost or whomever eating cookies? Also, maybe a bit too nitpicky but I'd be more likely to focus on the missing gingerbread cookie rather than "the gap" on the baking sheet as that seems to be rather more portentous. In fact, I am actually going to take back everything I just said about the ghost eating cookies because I just got the symbolism/foreshadowing of one missing cookie = one missing child (can't believe I didn't see it before) and I love it and it's creepy as hell. I did notice notice, with the excellently-placed scene transition that tells us about the three boys coming home, that she made one for each of her kids; if we could highlight that fact just a little bit more, rather than the fact that the cookies are placed funny on the baking sheet, that could make this really effective. Yeah, I felt the same thing, and was a bit surprised when it didn't seem to be. I'm okay with the frame tale, especially since we end up building to such a weighty ending. I did notice the framing references more and more as we went along, but in light of the ending not sure any of these framing references need to be actually removed. Agree on both counts. But every snowflake is unique! *ahem* Okay, silly responses aside, just noting that I didn't have a problem with this description. One of those YMMV things. Yeah, this was the only one of these "back to normal" moments that I stumbled over. I totally bought "glass breaking, let's come back to this later" but not "and then I forgot all about it." Don't disagree with any of this but as Robin says, I really don't think it's a strike against this story in particular. Hmm, I didn't note/mind its absence, personally. I think because of course we can assume that the mother is buying her kids gifts, and also its importance is emotional (to the mother) rather than narrative. We could maybe have a quick reference to her buying it earlier, but I think that may be a bit misleading.

As I read: Wait, automatic weapons? And now techs in hazmat suits? Okay, I see, they’re supposed to be Gen techs – but this fight can only have been going on for maybe a minute – it seems to me they’ve arrived much too quickly, even if the call was placed immediately after the DS were released. It might make sense if the call was placed before Mor’s team actually delivered the DS, but that seems like an excellent way to get caught, and also like a good way to help Q and team not get killed. Corporal D’s pronouns change abruptly. Also, how common are xe/xir pronouns—common enough for Q to default to them? Unless perhaps they’re listed on Corporal D’s badge (which I'm guessing is what triggered Q's reassessment of xir pronouns, but it's not entirely clear). P4 “I’d be obliged if you’d why” if you’d say, if you’d tell me, etc. “...he rather shouted due to his ears still ringing.” True, but Q probably has no idea he’s shouting. If the corporal doesn’t consider R’s home a crime scene, xe’s very bad at xir job. Secondary aging, eh? Good to know. This solves some of my concerns with the characterization of Mystery Caller. P6/7 notes that the android is still subject to TZ, but it’s been more than ten minutes by now, surely? Android says “I have no web access within this vehicle” but he’s been cut off from Internet access for ages now. I don’t think this was ever established as fixed? P9 “… I had to ask said Q.” need closing quote marks after “ask.” Identifying the location of the photos and deciding that they need to go there seems a bit of a jump in logic. There are a couple things that could explain it: that it was deliberately left for Q and crew to find, though that doesn’t seem to be the case here, or that it’s a vacation home or something that has become a refuge for Mer and TT now that their home’s not safe. The latter makes a lot more sense but is probably worth spelling out that the characters are making this assumption. Also, seems safe to think that Mor would know about the place or could find out. The E-C satellite link… is that the one that MC’s been using? If so, when did we establish that the android could use it to dial out? P10 “YSD parking lot, I reckon” - this line of dialogue comes from E, but – and this is a total nitpick - “I reckon” is a relatively regional phrase, at least for the definition of regional that means “basically every Commonwealth nation but Canada, somehow.” p11 - Breaking and entering and impeding an investigation? Was there an ongoing investigation going when Q, M and company wandered into BR's house? because that certainly didn't seem to be the case. If there was an ongoing investigation for them to interrupt though, that might be an opportunity for them to find a little more than what they did. Overall: The biggest thing for me is that I wanted more payoff from the photos. As noted above, it seems like we’ve skipped a logical step or two in terms of getting from “I recognize the place in these pictures” to “Mer and TT are at the place in these pictures.” (Not to mention it leaves us on a very similar narrative beat as we’ve seen before, with Q and M racing towards something and getting stopped along the way.) At the very least I think we need a more definitive confirmation that Mer and TT are going to be where we expect them to be. If you want to continue the ticking clock that is Q and M versus Mor, then we also need something that communicates that he’s closing in, but (probably) hasn’t gotten there yet. That being said, I really was hoping to see something more than the next breadcrumb here, so to speak. Is there opportunity to learn, say (and I am just throwing out random examples here, don’t take the specific suggestions too seriously but you get the idea) something new about Gen and its plans? Maybe BR learned something before he died, or TT has been able to put some pieces together in the interim? Has Mystery Caller maybe interfered in some way that could give further confirmation of their identity, or maybe their motivation? Have TT and Mer maybe been putting some plans together to resist Gen and E-C in the meantime? I see others’ comments about how we’re seeing a lot of the same story beats over and over again and I feel the same way to an extent, but I think it can be addressed at least partially by giving us a more measurable sense of progress. Hmm, not entirely sure I agree here; having a bit of a "breather" scene seems helpful. It's true that that scene is almost all introspection from Q though, so maybe a little more active conversation might be helpful? The artificial aging thing is new, but I believe Q's son being a clone has been mentioned once or twice before. I didn't experience this as a particularly big revelation. Aside from the familial connection there's been one or two hints of this, at least one of which happened pretty early on; I agree that one or two mentions of Q's son's current connection with Gen and E-C, interspersed throughout the text before now, could be helpful. and Seconded. Thirded? To be honest, I read right over this, I think because the context is so different from where we might counter alternate versions of the phrase, but yeah this is probably worth rejigging. I think everybody is spot on with the comments about Q and M feeling like they're lacking in agency, and the frustrations that they keep running into setbacks when they make the tiniest bit of progress. We do see a little bit of that here with them stealth-calling K--which I liked--but they're still going to be relying on K to (I assume) save the day, and once he does they still won't be in the driver's sheet thanks to the rather impressive rap sheet they've worked up. I do think @Mandamon is right when he says that that stuff has to catch up to them eventually, and in a general structural sense, this seems about the right place for that to do that. I think part of the frustration here is that they've made what feels like so little progress to begin with that it's frustrating when they rattle to a halt. This would maybe be - not less frustrating, perhaps, but hopefully frustrating in a more rewarding way - and probably have more emotional impact if they actually got somewhere before coming to a standstill. I think the other issue regarding Q and M's agency is that because they've experienced so many setbacks, they are dedicating a lot of their time and energy to fixing the setbacks rather than progressing the main goals, and I wonder if there is more room for them to do the latter even when struggling with the former. Obviously they need to do both, but I think it would be helpful for the balance to swing the other way. Well, this ended up being a rather scattershot critique, didn't it? Sorry. Hopefully there is something helpful somewhere in all of that.

With @Mandamon, @Robinski and @The Kraken's Daughter for tomorrow we still have two slots left. Any takers? Our list woes should theoretically be fixed. There was a server switch last week, and somehow during the move, the settings got reset.

Robinski beat me to the punch, of course, but yeah, exactly this. Please don't worry that your comments are somehow inadequate. All we ask from our critiquers is an honest, thoughtful appraisal of your reactions to the work that's submitted, and that can take a lot of different forms (and the fact that everyone's critiques are different is a feature, not a bug). I've updated the guidelines accordingly, and will now nudge the topic gently back to @Sarah B's story.

Oh dear... The pictures look great though! Thanks Aero - look forward to checking this out. Also, I might as well post this here too, just to make good and sure everyone sees it: I've had a few people contact me this week to say that the subs didn't come through. This time, I suspect it is universal - we just underwent a server change that is almost certainly the culprit. We're looking into getting it fixed and will do our best to have it up and running as soon as we can. In the meantime, I've sent out this week's submissions manually (not from my Reading Excuses email, so hopefully no problems there) to everyone whom I believe is currently active. if I missed you, let me know. Sorry about this, folks - hopefully we'll be back up and running soon.

Sorry to hear that, @Robinski! And to the whole group: I've had a few people contact me this week to say that the subs didn't come through. This time, I suspect it is universal - we just underwent a server change that is almost certainly the culprit. We're looking into getting it fixed and will do our best to have it up and running as soon as we can. In the meantime, I've sent out this week's submissions manually (not from my Reading Excuses email, so hopefully no problems there) to everyone whom I believe is currently active. if I missed you, let me know. Sorry about this, folks - hopefully we'll be back up and running soon.

I mean, I think this could work. The problem right now is that the consequences of the time limit aren't really different than the consequences the characters aren already facing; Q&M are already in legal trouble, and we're not really expecting that Mer and TT will actually be at Mer's house by the time the gang shows up. It would be different if, say, they had a reasonable chance of actually beating Mor to the punch (and we got some sort of reminder in the text that Mor was getting closer, but not there yet). Or perhaps if something happened that make them think that Mer's house might be cleared of evidence (although presumably that could have happened already as well). Indeed It's a bad habit, I'll admit! With proper foreshadowing and maybe a lantern hung on it, I could buy this, I think. It's definitely not the case now. If nothing else there's the hospital scene where Q&M run off because it's possible for Mor to sneak in and frame them. I know that's not about guns specifically, but presumably if ballistics are that advanced then other technologies related to state surveillance are keeping place. And even though the framing doesn't end up holding up already, Q and M taking off definitely doesn't give an impression that the technology is so advanced they can definitely prove their innocence. The hospital scene is probably one of your best opportunities to amp that all up in book 2. And then, especially given you've mentioned you want more of a ticking clock during the Great Canadian Roadtrip (this is what I'm calling it and you can't make me stop, darn it), maybe Q and M make a deliberate decision to escape because the 12-24 hours or whatever that it takes for surveillance tech to exonerate them means they'll still be getting to Mer and TT 12-24 hours too late? As for tying specific shootings to specific guns and individuals: How does that technology work? Does a gun only shoot when tied to a specific individual, and if so, is M going to be able to shoot that shotgun of hers? Do the guns maybe detect the fingerprint of whomever's holding the trigger and record it so that the shooter can be identified that way (which sounds very expensive), and if so, could that potentially identify Q and M to law enforcement officials as being in this area? Is that something that might happen fairly immediately since they're being looked for? Aaaand now I'm imagining all the ways in which that kind of system could be hacked, which... yikes. But hey, that's a rabbit hole we probably don't need to go down for this story. Probably.

Hello! Please forgive my late comments. Overall: There are some nice bits of writing and characterization in here, and I enjoyed the overall tone and, to borrow @Mandamon's phrase, the bones of the piece. I struggled with descriptions of the camp set-up and the attack by the Rs, but I think that if I have a better idea of what the camp actually looks like, that will go a long way towards clarifying the blocking during the R attack. Along the same lines, I also wondered about practical things: How many of these people are there? How are they finding food/water? How do they know where they’re going, that is, how are they connecting the coordinates being broadcast to practical navigation? There’s no mention of any other tools, I don’t think. I’ll confess to being a bit disappointed, originally, when after L got burned they left the area without seeing a glimpse of whatever brought the Rs here. The conclusion (which I did like) leads me to think that maybe that wasn’t the point, though. If that’s the case and the main arc is the emotional one, perhaps the relationship between J and L needs to be played up a little more. As for where you can trim some words, since you mentioned needing to shorten it by about 700: There’s no individual scene that struck me obviously as needing to go. That said, there definitely some places where it could be trimmed; there is a lot in the opening few paragraphs. The attack by the Rs also seemed quite lengthy. As I read: P1 “for any external reason” - stumbled on this a bit. Any logical reason perhaps? It took me a few paragraphs to get a handle on the level of urgency that I should be feeling from the POV character. The first paragraph seems to indicate that J has only just run out into the woods, and might still be being chased (presumably) by whatever drove him there. But then the next few paragraphs are fairly reflective, which belies the “I’m being chased into the woods by monsters” idea, and it’s only the third and fourth paragraphs in that we get a good idea that J’s actually been out here for a while now. Nice bit of characterization with comment about holding the radio in his hand. “...I was carrying [the radio] once and some idiot started following me everywhere.” Hah. “one of the only old timers who is tall enough” - should be “was tall enough” to be consistent with the rest of the story which is in past tense. P3 “Miss one, and your on your own” first “your” should be “you’re” also p3: “regardless of the world” is sort of an odd word choice, although I do get what you’re going for. Maybe something like “heedless”? It’s a bit archaic, but a more common/correct word than “regardless” in this context, I think. Also p3: “cabels” should be “cables.” There’s another on p4. I’m having some trouble visualizing what this camp set-up actually looks like. Are they suspended between the trees, or…? Bottom of p4 “now secure in it’s farady cage” should be “its” p6 “the radio looked safe in it’s padding” same thing here. P11 “The two walked along side each other one calm and resolved,” need a comma between “other” and “one” Agree. Good call here, I think. and I didn't have a problem with this comment, as I assumed the narrator was looking back to tell us this story. There's no explicit framing device, but I didn't really feel like it needed one for this line to work; I think the reflective tone of the narration made it easy for me to come across this line and make this assumption. Yes, I was also confused by the description of the drawn characters and how exactly it connected. Yes. I had trouble with the description of the scene in general, but this line stood out as a very nice touch. Don't think this is something that needs to be expanded on within the story itself, personally, although it may be better to go with something like AOL just because it's so widely known. Sidenote, the mention of Earthlink (and AOL, for that matter) gives the story a kind of dated feel, as does the comment about "dialing up." I don't mean that as a pejorative, particularly - it's just a distinct choice for science fiction. It makes it feel a little bit like science fiction meets alternate history: "it was 1995 when the aliens came." Yeah, we didn't get quite as much of this as I was expecting. Hope that is helpful. Welcome to the group!

As I read: P2 “said D not missing a beat” - should be a comma after D’s name. I’m somewhat sceptical of them getting past the roadblock so easily. It also makes me wonder what the point of the roadblock is, aside from the one-hour time limit, which honestly seems like the least of everybody’s concerns. It doesn’t really even add any new obstacles, since Q and M are already in trouble with the police. P3 “Seems like nerves of steel are a prime requisite” prerequisite? “Penny from heaven,” and Q just accused E of overreacting?! Not quite sure why Q is so hung up on E’s comments about pregnancy. I know she’s already mentioned she’s gay, but people have children for all kinds of reasons. Bottom of p7, “didn’t miss a beat,” should be full stop rather than a comma here. So literally throwing shotguns at people is, uh, generally a fairly terrible idea (and equally terrible trigger discipline, but maybe D just doesn't care about that). “He rights a tight ship … H.M.S. Pinafore.” I giggled. “For the first time, Q considered that M and T were already dead.” Might make more sense to say something like “allowed himself to consider;” this can’t be the first time Q has wondered if he might be too late. Okay, so I like Q introducing himself but, just “I’m Q, you’re in danger” doesn’t seem like a much better first impression than just wandering in with a shotgun. I would think Q would think to reference that he’d been working with R. “You’ve lost your keys before, I guess” Hah. P13 “M’s will have been...” either “M” or “M’s people” here. I love the image of the new beasties being introduced at the end of the chapter, and I’m glad that we’re seeing more of them, but I’m also starting to wonder what possible utility some of the creatures Gen has created could have. Also, if they have an assault team, wouldn't it be easier to just, you know, shoot them? Overall: I don’t have a ton to say about this chapter that I haven’t said about previous ones. I’m very glad that we’re finally getting to Me’s house and I’m glad M seems to have some evidence that she’ll presumably be able to take with us onto the next chapter. The beginning of the chapter did still feel rather like an “oh, more travel” chapter, which I think contributed to the fact that the checkpoints didn’t really build tension in the way that I would have liked them to. Yep. The first half of the chapter felt long. Hmm. Mixed feelings here. I sort of felt it too, but at the same time, they didn't come away with nothing; M's got the pictures, whatever those are. But it's fair to say that's more the promise of payoff than a payoff itself; and, for as long as it's taken us to get here; I'm definitely hoping they're something fairly dramatic. Maybe we, potentially through M's dialogue, could get a glimpse of the actual pictures and a sense of their importance to the plot. (Don't want much, do I?) Heck, there's no reason they couldn't have time to give the pictures a good once-over through before being rudely interrupted by Team Death Fish. I felt this a bit too. Certainly worth an eyeroll at least, but this felt like a bit much. On the other hand I also kind of wanted to slap Q when he slid his arm around her waist before they talked to the soldiers, so this was kind of satisfying anyway. You were not. Ahem. I feel like that's all I really need to say on the matter. I mean, worst comes to worst, you could always hang a lantern on it. It seems perfectly in-character for Q to have an "are you serious" moment as he comes face to face with a death much more ridiculous than he presumably ever anticipated. Edit: Better yet, have M do it. I could see her hearing the name and yelling, "(expletive) really?!" I'm actually pretty okay with this. The relationships between the businesses is now pretty clear to me (I'll admit, I think it took a little while to quite catch on). I wasn't sure how seriously to take E's comment about Q's son being an "heir" to the business; she seems to make it fairly seriously, but it's not really a given these days that businesses will be inherited by children/grandchildren. I do think that punching up the references to Q's son throughout the manuscript can only be a benefit, in general. I certainly picked up on TT being with Mer, but I think BR having said that he warned them during the hospital scene would help, yes. Certainly assuming that TT and Mer are still there would be a little unrealistic; maybe the text should be clearer that Q and company are searching for clues, not necessarily expecting to find the people themselves?

I chortled. so @Robinski, @Mandamon and @lizbusby for December 23. Two slots of anyone wants them, because Robinski only takes up one despite asking twice.

Those look fantastic. And now I want pie.

So right now we have @Sarah B, @Robinski and maybe @Mandamon for Monday. Still two more slots up for grabs.

Just sent out another test email. Hopefully it actually, you know, works this time.