Silk

Oh, well thank you! The above post is actually from a couple of weeks ago now, so that particular livestream is now behind me. That said, the video is still up on my Facebook page, so prepping for D&D while listening to jazz is still an option! And, I'll be doing monthly livestreams throughout the summer. More focused on my usual fare, singer-songwriter type music, although it's me, so there WILL still be jazz. I went with Facebook Live rather than Instagram Live because I read somewhere that you can only view Instagram live on mobile so I thought Facebook would be easier. I really have no idea though. Complete neophyte here. If you ever do this, @Snakenaps, I request the video footage. Hello!

I mean, yes, but it weirded me out enough that it took me out of the narrative a bit. May be just me if I'm the only one who flagged it, though. (insert "thumbs up" emoji here) Hmm. There's definitely nothing in the narrative so far that clues me into that. Personally I don't think I'd look too hard if that information came in later chapters, but I certainly don't think having it in chapter 1 hurts, and it might go some ways t o addressing @kais's comment about M's power.

@Mandamon I'd say you're good to go with @Snakenaps, @kais and @shatteredsmooth also submitting.

Not many comments from me; I thought this was a solid first chapter. I like M’s ability to read thoughts and really appreciated the fact that the story distinguishes between “narrative” thinkers and those whose thoughts are more abstract. I do think you might be able to capitalize on the thought-reading thing a bit more than you do in this chapter, particularly between M and T since T looks to be an important character. The information M gets from mind-reading tends to repeat what the narrative has already established – it is abundantly clear that T finds M attractive – and if we get new or slightly different information instead, that may be an opportunity to set up more tension. The only other thing I was a bit hesitant about – and I’ve been going back and forth on this since reading the sub – was M-protagonist reading M-the-TA’s mind. I get what the story as driving at with him just being grateful to be around innocent people and not whatever else he’s mixed up in, and that seems totally valid, but it was very near the borderline of “too much” for me. It read more like “this is an odd character” than “this character is involved in something odd” which I found deflated the intrigue a bit. I’ve been mulling it over and given that he just had a near-death experience I don’t want to say that it feels unrealistic, but it did stick out to me. As I read: P1 “She imagined they were doubts being crushed beneath her feet.” Nice bit of insight into the character here. P2 “...synced up with a memory in its victim’s mind…” Stumbled over this a bit. Is this something that it does as a matter of course? Is M using her knowledge to confirm that that’s what it’s doing? Without other context, I don’t know how to parse this. P2 “igniting the drawings etched into.” Missing a word at the end of this sentence, I think. Comic book knife: Awesome, but I have to know which Captain Marvel. “His fear, an image of…” This confused me at first because it seemed to have nothing to do with the actual scene in front of us. It didn’t start to make sense until the next paragraph when we learn that the person is stuck I n a memory. Also, I’d be pointing out right now that most of what M is doing is a bad idea, but well, we had that first line, didn’t we. p4 “It also made it easier not to get overloaded by extra sensory input.” This would make a lot more sense to me if it wasn’t M’s default way of seeing. I like the “Twix wrapper” description of the P. p4 “Gossamer rid wings” I’m not quite understanding what the word “rid” is doing here. P5 “...and a skateboard clutched under her left.” missing word at the end of this sentence. P6 “It was the guy she’d saved last night.” This was so obvious to me I was surprised it wasn’t obvious to M, since she’s both looking at him (although I was surprised when she didn’t express recognition upon spotting his “honey colored hair”) and diving into his memories. P7 “As soon as the professor finished… his mind shifted” unclear antecedent here, is “he” referring to the professor or the TA? Because of course he’s the TA. Of course he is. Really like M accidentally responding out loud to people’s thoughts. I see excellent potential for AWKWARD here. Good last line. I like the construction site, but I agree that the description is a bit sparse. It wasn't until M hit the excavator that I got a real sense that that's what it was. I'd second this. There was a little bit of conversation where it seemed like M and T might get more flirty, or even that they were just developing more of a rapport, but it seemed to dissolve more quickly. Mi very clearly has more of Me's attention, even though it's not necessarily romantic attention at the moment. Also, l don't know why, but I am l laughing forever at the phrase "eventual boink." The scene as-is worked okay for me, actually. Given the rest of the chapter, I read that her "hunting" life is business-as-usual, whereas going to college is the more daunting thing because it's so outside her experience. Made sense to me as a character bit. Although Me does seem to be quite powerful if she's a quarter human and can scare off a fully-fledged monster. Agree. Our introduction to Mi seemed somewhat artificially built up. Even if she just missed the introduction because she was paying more attention to T, or focused on shielding her thoughts, or whatever. FWIW, as a different reader reaction, I interpreted this as set up for Me's magic use being complicated down the line. Especially with another line in there about M needing to learn how to use her powers before bad things happen. I kinda wondered about this too. It does seem like it should be a pretty big social no-no. Which is not necessarily an argument for M not doing it.

I mean, have you seen how long it took me to get to critiquing this? I think we can call it a wash. Right on both counts here, I think. Oooh. This sounds VERY interesting. From what I've read so far this would probably make a lot of sense. But yes, if the new scene makes clear that Q is only backing away from the androids and still intends to look for N, readers will probably be able to fill in that N is anxious and jumped the gun here. So to speak. Apparently there's no thumbs up emoticon on here! I'm filing a complaint with the management.

Looks like we're at a full roster then, with @Snakenaps, @kais, @Mandamon, @shatteredsmooth and @CherishLarain for the 27th.

The illustrations are great! So, here's a silly thing. I just learned that this week is International Trombone Week. So I'm doing a Facebook* livestream on Sunday to celebrate! 2pm PDT on Sunday in the (unlikely?) event that anyone wants to hang around with me while I play some jazz trombone solos. * yes, I changed my mind about Instagram, for those keeping score at home. Seems Facebook will probably be easier, for everyone except me anyway. Link above is to my musician's page so you don't have to friend me to follow along.

I don’t have much to say about this chapter overall. Good action, another good emotional beat between Q and M, and I’m enjoying the subtle increase of Q’s suspicion around N’s capabilities and motivations. I actually think it would be good to see another example or two of this towards the end of the chapter. The only thing that was missing for me was some sort of deliberation from Q on whether he actually wants to rescue N and how far he’s willing to go to do that (does he stay in the building that’s about to get bombed to heck?) Even knowing that N appears himself at the end of the chapter, I’d still like to have some idea where Q’s head’s at going into the next chapter – which, by they way, I am looking forward to. As I read: “Is there another way up to 5?” Maybe Q should have asked that before deciding to skip a floor? P4 Quotation mark missing before M’s dialogue “We need some kind of…” P5 “The savannah remain empty” should be “remained” of course. P6 “he could smell his a M’s clothing” a couple of extra words here, I think… p7 “The raptors won’t fit…” Wait, if the chute was designed to shuffle TF from whatever enclosures to the habitat, shouldn’t the hatch be big enough to fit any of the TF that might need to be moved? The androids lined up on entering the gallery: well, this doesn’t seem good. The description on p9 and 10 of the viewing gallery and who’s in it is a little unclear, though. “Five figures stood…” but there are only four androids, so who’s the fifth figure? It’s certainly not Mor, since he’s both prone and dead. Q doesn’t seem to notice or assess anything that might have actually caused Mor’s death (I’m talking about immediately obvious things, like gunshot wounds/laser wounds/gaping claw marks) but it’s the sort of thing I would expect him to take note of. Especially since he’s already primed to be suspicious of N’s motivations and “Mor’s” phone call. If the VLs register on the unit that’s scanning for lifeforms, shouldn’t our protagonists, N, TT and MR all register as well? Speaking of which, what is the rest of the party doing while D covers Q? I can’t imagine E or M standing idly by. P11 “..the only evidence of his hand at work” does “his” refer to N or TOM here? Unclear antecedent. So when Q finds MR and TT and starts backing towards the access hatch, has he already decided to leave N behind? He gets interrupted by N himself so quickly that it’s hard to tell. It does seem strange though that he doesn’t seem to spend much time looking for N before he’s interrupted, and I really would like to see a moment of decision from Q on whether to stay and look for N or not, even if the decision is then taken out of his hands when N enters. But then you'd have to add some turtle-based TF I think I forgot to tag this, but yeah, it struck me as a bit out of place too. I know she's in rather a lot of distress at the moment, but this didn't seem to be in reference to anything in particular. I'm a bit torn on this. It was a bit, but I didn't feel as disappointed by DM's death as I might have expected. I think that's because it's by now reasonably clear to me that DM is no longer the real obstacle; N is, because of what he represents for Q and - I'm now assuming - in his person as some variety of antagonist. This chapter does a good job of setting that up, but while it's teased in earlier chapters, this twist has nowhere near the buildup that DM did as an antagonist. Obviously, the progression for N has to be treated very differently, but I wonder if there's room to do a little more setup in that regard earlier on, and if it might help mitigate the feeling of anti-climax once we get to DM's death here? Yeah, it didn't strike me particularly strongly one way or the other when I was reading, but I think I agree with the others here. I did kind of wonder why he didn't say anything, although I suppose with N hacking the comms systems, it would be hard to do it safely without being overheard. Yeah this line didn't quite do it for me either. I had assumed that N probably would not be entirely human. Yes, this might do nicely. "I thought I was going to have to start without you" is interesting in that it tells us N has some sort of master plan, but it's a bit overwritten, I think, and we already have a pretty clear idea that N is more in control of these events than we thought. I'd be tempted to go with ID's minimalist suggestion here or something similar. Yeah I kinda wondered why she didn't ditch it immediately after the fight outside the building. I mean, if you really need Q to be able to make a comment about her smelling bad, I think it's reasonable to assume that she still would. Yeah, this is a good call. My understanding is that bilingual folks to ted to switch languages a lot without thinking about it or necessarily even doing it consciously, so maybe this is not as farfetched as it seems, but will probably pose a problem I don't want to lose the moment though... Off-topic, but saaaame. We even get up at the same time in the morning for our commutes! Well... theoretically. I confess that before I started working from home, the 4:45am thing had become mostly aspirational.

Hey, it's Monday in Australia, right? Same principle as "five o'clock somewhere..." Having seen no other requests, @Mandamon, go ahead and take two slots.

So we have @Snakenaps, @shatteredsmooth, @kais and @Mandamon for Monday. This would take us up to our maximum of five subs, so if anyone else was eyeing a slot for Monday now is the time to let us know!

I actually don’t have much to say about this chapter overall! The crawl through the manhole was certainly effective. My biggest question right now is what if anything N is doing to help the crew beyond telling them to go to Lvl 5. I sort of expected doors to open and lights to flash or whatever given N’s demonstrated technical prowess so far. Could be interesting, in future chapters if not this one, to see Q and M wonder if N is actually pulling his weight. Likewise, would be interesting to see Q actually interrogate E on what she actually knows about N and the habitat. Just in general, Q seems to have asked her remarkably few questions so far. As I read: I was not expecting the characters to just carry on while the gunfire happened in the background, but once I was over the initial “wait, what?” I like that that’s what they’re doing. P2: Flagging the word “g*pped” because it’s a slur (from the word “g*psy” which is also a slur) so requires careful consideration before using. P3 “...moved inside likely” need a comma after “likely.” And probably after “inside.” Bottom of p3 M says “light on,” but she’s already turned the light on? Also, I’m having difficulty parsing the phrase that follows, “shuffled on elbows.” Didn’t get it until the top of p4 when I was reminded that she was crawling. Oh, ick, ick M’s curses get more hilarious the farther down she goes. I approve. P4 “coughed for forged on” broken sentence here. Maybe meant “coughed, forged on”? ...couldn’t see the manhole” as in she can’t see the other end? Or is she trying to look over her shoulder? Because that would probably be painful in such tight quarters. Bottom-ish of p4, “pull the level” meant “lever” here, I suspect. Where did all these MTs come from? I somehow thought there were only four of them. Minor, of course, but I’m always slightly baffled by Q and M’s tendency to use acronyms for the various TF (hah, look what I did there) in their dialogue and especially their thoughts. Might make sense for E, because it’s her organization, and for K, because no self-respecting para-military type will use a word when an acronym will do, but seems a bit out of place for Q and M. p9 “...a resurgence of energy, from somehow” should be “somehow” or “from somewhere” p10 “the dinos brayed alternately” I understand what’s being conveyed here, but awkward turn of phrase IMO. p10“getaway scot free” “get away” should be two words in this context. Also, extra period after the question mark. Why on earth are they still sending troops in if they’re less than 45 minutes from blowing up the whole darn building? I like the matter-of-fact way the VLs are dispensed with. More effective this way than dwelling on it, I think. Poor M. Although… if the VLs are programmed not to attack humans, which the soldiers presumably know, would they be a particularly convincing threat, or effective delay, to the soldiers to begin with? p12: I initially assumed the doors separating our protagonists from the soldiers are frosted, or the like, because the soldiers don’t immediately seem to react to the party’s presence or acknowledge that they’ve seen them. I was going to read through the other critiques as usual at the end of this, but in skimming through them now I think I'd only be agreeing with everyone anyway.

And we're excited to do it read it!

You bet!

Because as we know, I have a record of being perfectly punctual with my critiques to begin with... suffice to say I am not too worried about it. I think the thing that cued me here - and forgive me, I don't have the doc in front of me so this won't be exact - was Q's comment that an adult couldn't fit in grate, with the very strong implication M could. Comes off looking a bit like his suggestion. Fair point, although I think part of what prompted me to make the comment here was that no matter what the vehicle, M probably should have seen Q reaching for it while they were all on their dino-ride-a-long. Well, I still have a few more chapters to go!

Whoops! Sorry for not checking in sooner everyone. I, uh, I might have thought today was still Sunday. Long weekends tend to have that effect on me.

I think that's fine, since it's you and @Mandamon submitting this week for technically 3 slots.

Of course I'm saying something that we already know, but sometimes it helps to validate the things that seem like they should be obvious. So: Receiving critiques is hard. Implementing feedback from critiques is hard. You're certainly not wrong to struggle with either. That said, figuring out how to do it better is a hugely important first step, and it's a step that not everyone takes. So, in all seriousness, good for you for opening up the discussion to begin with. A few things to keep in mind that have already been mentioned by others, but I'll say them again because they're pretty fundamental to being able to deal with critiques: 1. The comments are critiquing the work, not you. It can be a big and difficult shift to separate yourself from your work, but remember it's the words on the page that people are commenting on, not on your value or your worth as a writer. 2. The fact that you're getting comments on how to improve your work is expected. It's literally why you're here! There's a reason we call our submissions drafts. Give yourself permission to write work that is unfinished and imperfect. Give yourself permission to submit work that is unfinished and imperfect. Even when you're happy with what you've come out with, remind yourself when you're writing and when you're submitting that it's a work-in-progress. This might help make it easier to take the comments as just another part of the process, since it wasn't a finished piece of work to begin with. 3. Critiques are, at the end of the day, opinions. They're information on how that person is experiencing your story right now. They're not some sort of authoritative judgement on your work. The person may be completely off the mark, or they may just not be the audience for your work. This is a balancing act, because of course we want to learn from people's critiques as much as possible, but sometimes you can make the mental space you need to take someone's critique to heart by reminding yourself that hey, it's just an opinion. That said, that's all kind of abstract, and making that sort of mindset shift is easier said than done. So... I really like this, because it's something concrete that you could try to maybe take the edge off. Another tack you could try would be to wait for a week after you submit something, or submit it and wait for a week (or two weeks, or until you've written the next chapter, or whatever it is that works for you) to give yourself some mental distance. A third option might be to do an initial skim of people's comments really quickly, to get a general idea of what you're in for, so to speak, and then come back in a few hours or a few days when you feel like you're braced for what people are saying. As for implementing feedback, this is part of the revision and editing process, and one of the things that people often don't realize is that writing and editing are separate (although related, obviously) skill sets. So, it's totally natural to feel much more comfortable with writing than editing (or the other way around). This is really important. It's why we typically encourage our members to be descriptive in their critiques rather than prescriptive. You, as the author, have the vision for the story. When responding to feedback, your job is to figure out why readers had the experience they did, and how to make that experience smoother that still achieves the objectives you want for your piece, as @aeromancer alluded to. Folks are throwing out some good suggestions here, but do keep in mind that revision is going to be particular to your writing process as well. Personally, I'm a discovery writer, and an extremely messy one. So when I revise, I like to start with the really big picture stuff, because I know I'm going to be doing things like cutting, adding, or removing whole scenes or plot pieces. Often this means I need to spend some time with my outline or at least jot some notes before I can get on with making changes to the actual story. Depending on where I am in the draft when I decided to make changes, this might mean going back and re-writing earlier scenes that now need to change, so that I feel like I'm on solid footing for the rest of the draft. If I'm really stuck I might write (or at least start writing) multiple versions of a scene, just to see which fits. That being said, if I'm stuck or feeling down on critiques, sometimes going back and making some of the small changes that people bring up can be really helpful; it's more approachable, and sometimes the immediate gratification of making small but measurable improvements can really help deal with the mental load of feedback, too. Finally, I just want to add that both mentally dealing with critiques and implementing the feedback you get from them are skills that improve with practice. I didn't want to open with that because it's I know it's not terribly helpful right now, but it really does get easier, and I think that's worth saying.

Hooray! So, @Mandamon and @Robinski for tomorrow?

As I read: Was a bit jarring coming into this chapter, but I’m 100% certain that’s because I haven’t read the most-recently-rewritten version. Which, incidentally, I really want to read after reading your description of the revisions. And, ooh, ooh! New tinfoil hat theory, which I’m almost certain is wrong but it’s fun to think about anyway. What if N programmed the dinos to follow the crew around to make sure they got back to Gen intact? P1 I giggled at the phrase “totally scrutable.” Also p1, “M’s hand dropped away” Extremely nitpicky, but given that this is M’s POV it struck me as odd that this was written in passive voice. Bottom of p2 should be “doled out” not “dolled out.” And “remorselessness” instead of “remorseless” “TOM needs TT and MR to disappear” fine, but again I’m struggling with why he couldn’t have made this happen sooner; he’s framed as even more of a boogeyman than Mor. P4 “So how would D know he wasn’t releasing N...” Having a bit of trouble following who’s doing what in this sentence. “...looked to Mo like she was all the uncomfortable.” Slightly broken sentence here? Oh huh. Tinfoil hat theory confirmed. High five, me! Bottom p4 “We’re they a pair?” should be “were” Heh. I like how quickly they become M’s dinos. Given how protective Q has generally been of M, I’m a bit surprised that he’s the one to suggest M crawling through the pipe. P12 “Once we start tampering … building security will be alerted.” Why is E only mentioning this now? Overall: I actually didn't have a ton to say about this chapter. Some good tension and I enjoyed watching M manipulate the VLs. Very curious with the last line to see what's gone wrong (I'll note that I did not think it was the airstrike). This is a fair point, although I didn't find it to be a stumbling block for this chapter. It's possible that that's because I'm picking up reading after a little while, though. I found the countdown worked for me. I found this idiom a bit hard to parse, too. And seconding Mandamon's comment here. If you needed a reason for K to suddenly decide he needs to get the hell out of dodge, you could potentially have the soldiers recognize him as being on the lam? I actually really liked this moment. Making the whole thing slightly less unpleasant is hardly necessary, and it strikes me as one of the mundane little things that could very much be what breaks someone's composure, especially when tensions are already running high. (I liked Q's bafflement as well.) That said, considering they've been in a van this whole time, I do wonder where Q got it to begin with. I started laughing uncontrollably when I read this, and am now dead. I think part of this is that Q tends to sound very confident when he's making assumptions, and in this case the others let it ride, so it was definitely easy to interpret the original version of this dialogue as a sure thing.

@Mandamon and @Robinski for Monday!

So we have @Mandamon, @kais, @Robinski, and @killersquid for today. Sorry for the late check on the forums. I have acquired the household cold and spent most of yesterday sleeping. .

So we have @Mandamon, @killersquid, and @Robinski for Monday March 9.

So far we're three for Monday: @Mandamelon, @Robinski and @lizbusby.

Just @Mandamon so far for this week? Any other takers?

My work here is done...