Silk

Overall: This is definitely a better chapter. I still don’t think it entirely fixes the problem with the last version (at least not with the information that we have now), which to my mind was that there’s no actual payoff for getting to their destination, specifically. We have the throwdown with the Bureau, but that could have happened, say, at D’s place, or halfway across the ice, etc. But we’ve been chasing MR and TT for so long, first to MR’s house and then to this specific destination, that I think readers will still want some sort of payoff for it. Also worth noting: I have the impression that MR and TT haven’t actually been here for a while, which sort of begs the question of why there are still four FBI agents in tactical gear hanging out an empty house. As I go: P2 Minor, but “no doubt considering if she could trust him” and then this sentiment is repeated in the dialogue. Q is obviously having a hard time with some of the stuff he’s learned. I like it. Still feel like we could have a little more of this, though. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that the text has to repeat itself ad naseum, but I’m interested to see the emotional stuff actually start to get in the way. P4 E-C is written a couple times with an extra S on the end but I don’t think that’s how it’s been written previously? P5 “lacky” should be “lackey” unless it’s like the e in “whiskey”? “An interstellar terra-forming company… Think bigger.” I still feel like Q has a better sense of TOM’s motivations and endgame than we do as readers. That’s still missing for me, a little bit, in terms of the stakes. What does TOM actually want, aside from the general/obvious motivation, which is more power and control? So he’s managed to install a dictator (or get closer). What are the consequences? Yep, name checking the curfew helps. “…bigger teeth, sharper claws, better ordnance.” Good line. Bottom-ish of p7, even on the second read-through it took me a second to realize that M was swearing at Q because he had startled her. “Have you told them they don’t eat humans?” Also a good line. I forget if this was there in the last draft – it probably was – but I like the juxtaposition of the aurora with the dinos’ eyes. Okay, so the DS protocol. E comments that Mor must have deactivated the protocol on all of the beasts he’s released, which makes sense. Still, wouldn’t that have made it into the news? And/or Kr would have asked the question a lot sooner, because really, anyone’s first question who’s familiar with the law would be “Why is this still a problem.” P10 “before he misted with some substance…” missing word after “misted” perhaps? Bottom of p12, “guessing I won’t matter” should be “guessing it won’t matter” Minor, but a law enforcement officer in the process of arresting Q would probably call him by just his first or more likely his last name, not a nickname. I’m a little confused by the blocking on p13/14. The characters seem to be heading into a standoff with the comment about the agent looking down the barrel of Kr’s pistol, then E and D come in the front without being forced there by an agent and collecting… whose weapons? Are the “black forms” sitting on the floor Q, M, E and D? If so, why isn’t Kr being arrested with them? If they’re the FBI agents, why didn’t they put up any resistance, especially when they seemed to have no problem arresting Q and M? Agent P also seems to be giving up a lot of information somewhat too easily given how adversarial this situation is. I definitely think we need the info, but the way it’s being presented doesn’t quite ring true for me here. This made sense to me. I'd had it flagged as "the government parked in the neighbour's driveway as part of the stakeout." I thought it was fine in the first version, but here I agree. You might be able to help readers by giving us a quick reaction out of D, a surprised swear or whatever, when it's first mentioned to flag that it's significant. Has the advantage of breaking up Agent P's call a little bit, too.

So we have @Majestic Fox, @Mandamon and @Robinski for Monday?

Yes, that was absolutely a deliberate and clever Parks and Rec reference. 100%. *shifty eyes*

This probably makes sense in light of the other revisions you've made. Before it at least served a purpose of Kr. making/confirming a decision that he was NOT going by the book on this one, but with the revisions, this has already been made abundantly clear before now. Agree. I think this will help. ...I knew that. (Narrator, looking at camera: she did not, in fact, know that.) Hey, whatever you think is most useful for you!

LOL. Well that's going in my signature.

Haha. To be fair, I've never been particularly squicked out by bugs in general, so it might be that I'm just the wrong person to have an opinion here.

Alas, poor Council members! If nothing else, I imagine it'd be easy for him to hear similarities in the music between when he summoned them and when they appear in the dome. Grasping mandibles, claws, suction cups, wriggly antennae bits... Slugs are too inactive to be threatening IMO. Centipedes or millipedes are better... hmm.

Another good tense chapter. A good tense introduction for M and his crew. I was engaged pretty much all the way through, the end more than the beginning, but I did notice towards the end of the chapter that I was getting anxious for M and the rest of them to actually find some information about the E, and was a bit disappointed that it didn’t happen. As I go: Towards the end of the epigram, “For there is one aspect of portals that speak of” missing word somewhere? P1 “The absence of anyone to greet us...” Is the dome always occupied even when not in session? P2 “Splatted” is an evocative description. But you’ve described the sound here; what, I wonder, does their recovery look like? Also interesting that M characterizes the E as “invaders” when he and his group are the ones who summoned them. I had assumed that M and co. would know that, but reading further, I see that M hasn't drawn the same conclusion I did. p2 “It was hard to tell how as lacked evidence” should be “as they lacked” p3 “The lone P in their group thumped to the floor” I read this as her falling, but the rest of the sentence suggests that’s not the case. Top of p6, as M muses about the council – even having read both books, the second quite recently, there’s a lot of names here to keep track of in a short space. P7 Picky, but suggest changing “yet their group… to dissuade them” to “yet his group” - otherwise you have two they/them pronouns referring to different people and it gets confusing. P 12/13 Really digging the description of M defeating the E on the portal grounds. This is fair. I view the creatures as threatening but I think that is more a holdover from the way they were presented last book. In this book, they're doing a lot of sneaking around, not attacking outright, one gets sliced in half, and at one point you described one's "little feet" which was inadvertently sort of adorable. ...Uh... that last one may just be me. Personally, this didn't bug me much. They're all established POVs from previous books and in my mind, three POVs isn't terribly egregious. I definitely wouldn't want to see many more introduced for a while, though. This was my assumption. I stumbled on this one too. I look forward to seeing this sub. I'd agree with this. I think @Robinski and @lizbusby have made good points about the challenges of ensemble casts in general, and in particular starting them off in an action-oriented scene where you don't have as much time to get to know them as we did in the second book. As for a shorthand name for the creatures, well, this thread has so far suggested "grubs," "worms"... neither of those are very threatening though.

Duly noted!

I enjoyed this chapter, I think it’s probably stronger than the first in terms of getting us back into the action, although obviously some of the exposition etc. of the first chapter is still needed. I like the bit with E struggling to keep on top of her issues, but I was also a bit tweaked that this lead to the characters effectively reversing the decision of the previous chapter, wherein they’d all decided to go back to their facet together. I saw from the comments on the last thread that you were thinking of trimming the last chapter pretty significantly, and that might be enough (I think part of the problem is not that the characters are changing their minds, but that they’re changing their minds after spending a fair bit of time getting to the decision). That said, I also wonder what combining some elements of these two chapters would do. Then E’s difficulties could become part of what informs the decision, rather than leading them to change it after the fact. This might even help give the decision a little more actual direction, since the decision they make at the end of chapter 1 feels more like a “well, we have to do something” kind of decision than they have a compelling reason to choose one thing over another. P7 “… smelled a bit like her parents caravan” possessive apostrophe after “parents” Bottom of p7 “...it was strange not to know the body language...” Presumably the Net would fill this in for her, but it should be easy to rephrase to account for that and keep the same sentiment. Given that the reader doesn’t really understand what the diadem does and our protagonists don’t either, aside from the fact that it helps the Effs live longer, I find the characters’ assumption that it should be taken and used to be a bit of a jump. Especially now, with some fairly urgent issues in play. I’d buy the twins having a strong interest in an artifact of their culture, but it’s not clear right now that that’s what the diadem is; it could just as easily be some other item produced by the Net, such as the one S got his hands on last book. P11 “[M] lifted one of her three arms” their Similar questions, for similar reasons. Yeah, missed opportunity here.

Comments are going to be pretty light because it looks like the group's already covered what I was going to say: mostly, that we need some direction/decisive action earlier on than we get it. I think @Robinski made a good call suggesting "I know how the Diss will start" as the opening line, and that @kais and others are right in suggesting that the story really starts when the decision is made. I don't think I would start right at the decision, necessarily--there needs to be a point to them coming over to the other facet to begin with--but I think we want to get to it quickly, within a few paragraphs. I'd also second those asking for a few more visuals of the area around them. As I go: Top of p9: “...by making connecting the two” an extra word here. Also top of p9, referring to Wob as she/her. Or does Wob use fluid pronouns? I didn’t quite have a handle on this in the last book. P11, “then she brought her other hand...” not clear whether “she” is referring to V or E here. P13, top line should probably italicized for clarity/consistency as it’s S’s thoughts. "What did they do to her?" later in the text as well. “S knew she’s been chafing” should be “she’d.” p16 “She spat back” should be lower-case S. Same after “Did they do to you...” Bottom of p17 “...that she would so easily dismiss” should probably be xy again here?

Gah, sorry. I wish I’d seen (or that my brain had processed) your comment about it being due Sunday sooner, I somehow got it in my head that your deadline was a little later in February. Although the way my week has gone, it may not have made a difference. Hopefully the comments are in enough time to be of at least some use! In answer to your questions: yes, yes, and yes. I think @Mandamon was right about clearing up the beginning bits to show that the koalas aren’t actually connected. I had also assumed that they were and that we were going to get some kind of unexpected symbiosis story. I’m debating whether it takes a little too long to get to what I initially assumed was going to be a major, if not the main, thread, the infestation. I wasn’t bored during those initial pages, and it’s probably perfectly appropriate to leave as-is given that it’s a Valentine’s Day theme, but I did feel like it took a little As I go: “Everyone and their eight-fingered uncle...” Love this phrase. P3 “...only reproduce during our second...” end of line of dialogue needs a full stop. P4 “Yeah well I’m a N...” comma after “well”? P8 “An help her why did she” … another comma after “her” I was quite surprised after the scene change to be immediately confronted with mysterious aliens, rather than the houseboating Terrans who were supposedly the reason for A’s trip. Also, I really hope they’re non-sentient (though that raises more questions about how they got here) because they’re being talked about like livestock. In a novel, I don’t think I would have noticed, because novels don’t have the same kind of focus and I might expect a similar time skip there. In the context of a short, though, it’s jarring. P10 “its shape too close to the … style than A liked” either “its shape closer … than A liked” or something along the lines of “too close … for A’s comfort” Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. Are these koalas THEY ARE KOALAS I LOVE THIS PREMISE SO MUCH Koalas don’t have tails, though. They do have comparatively thick fur on their rumps and a cartilage pad. More practically though, I am wondering how quickly these four shipments arrived. Unless those shipments came in really quickly you’d think somebody would have sent this screaming to the top somewhere between the first shipment and “koalas are mean when they’re sober and also we have an infestation now.” Plus, didn’t they come with, um, some sort of customs declaration? Shipping and handling instructions? Something? How does the planet handle incoming shipments? P13, Ar’s line of telepathic dialogue noting that the trees seem preoccupied should be in italics. Okay, so it’s been a month since the koalas got out. Again I’m wondering why on earth this hasn’t been escalated to A and her colleagues before now. P15 “well that’s clear” comma police here, another one after “well” I had figured the koalas would get equally high on the indigenous trees as they do on eucalyptus, otherwise why would they spread out as far as they apparently have? P16 “the emotional imprint of an eyeroll” lol. P20 “Traditionally, Ard provided them, through the an” closing quote mark needed A’s nervousness as she accepts E's proposal is really very endearing. Good ending! Crossover potential accepted omg yes please

Hmm. Mixed feelings about this chapter. I was excited to see them heading towards their destination, but frustrated that we never got there after all of the buildup, not to mention frustrated that DM has gotten the upper hand on the team once again (without even appearing in the chapter, which I think is part of the problem; all we have right now is MC’s word for it, so it feels especially arbitrary and artificial). I like the threat of the airstrike on Gen at the end of the chapter, but would much rather have seen the group accomplish something at the island first. They even could have found the place empty with indications that TT and MR had left of their own volition or whatever, which could have potentially put them back into DM’s clutches. Maybe they had been threatened by Gen’s beasties and had to leave in a hurry. Maybe they found some information they thought they could use against DM and left it out on the counter. Maybe the TV is on and foreshadowing that stuff’s about to go down at Gen before they get the call from MC. I just wanted the team to get there and accomplish something, not to get partway there and then be told that it didn’t matter anymore. I’m also trying to decide how I feel about the dinos shadowing the group. If they’re programmed not to attack people, it seems more likely to me that they would just lose interest and wander off. The conversation with E does suggest that maybe they still have the instinct to hunt people, but their programming overrides the instinct telling them to actually follow through with the kill. Which works, I suppose, but it's subtle and seems, well, a bit plotful. I assume the dinos are here to basically be really-cool looking cannon fodder against various other TF that the team will presumably have to get through to get into Gen. I’m certainly onboard in theory, but I'm n not quite sold on the execution. As I read: p2 “How far to you trust” should be “do” p2 “he smiled grimly” He should be capitalized if you’re ending the dialogue with a period. P3 “I don’t’ have the nerve” extra apostrophe of course. P3 “Kr recorded the whole.” The whole thing? Now that we’re looking at this scene again, I’m wondering what Kr had hoped to gain by calling Koo, since he’s already decided he’s not playing this by the letter of the law by busting Q. and co. out of jail, and he doesn’t actually ask Koo for anything. Not to mention, Koo could be dead for all he knows; the last we saw, he’d just been shot by DM. Top of p4, “If T testifies that M instigated the whole thing;” should be a comma at the end of this clause, not a semi-colon. P4 “Q all the fatigue that his voice carried” missing word? This is the same night as t hey got into the hotel, yes? They seem to have decided to ignore the curfew, which is fine, but there’s no discussion about that decision or how they’re going to avoid repercussions. Nor does anyone seem to be enforcing the curfew. P8 “he has glad...” should be “was.” p9 “but DM’s must have deactivated it...” either no apostrophe there or a missing word, i.e. DM’s goons, etc. “I guess you’re assuming I trust you...” Really, after everything D has said up to this point, what else was Kr expecting? Why is MC referring to himself as MC? I don’t think anyone has ever used that language to his face. Yeah, I see I'm not alone in my thoughts here. I don't think that Gen remaining the end-goal is a problem in itself, but definitely this last chapter has definitely made the last many chapters chasing TT feel like an optional side-quest. What I think it comes down to is this: If they don't actually get to the island, if they don't actually find TT and MR here, what payoff do they (and readers) get that they absolutely couldn't get by going straight to Gen? What makes it essential that we go through this arc before getting to Gen itself? Why redirect us back to Gen here and not, say, when the team arrived at MR's house to find it empty? Seconded.

@Mandamon @kais We don’t have a full roster this week and nobody’s raised any objections, so I’d say go ahead.

No worries! A few of us have fallen into the habit of, essentially, quoting as little as possible to get the point across, but it wasn't actually in the guidelines, and that's on me. I've updated the guidelines now.

This is much better! As @Sarah B said, this version feels much more to the point. I think switching the ending from “TOM’s fixing the election, what can we do about it” to “TOM just succeeded in staging a coup” is a much more effective way of highlighting the aspect of political intrigue in this chapter. It no longer feels like the chapter spending a lot of time and emphasis on something readers already know. I think the one thing I wanted was a little more sense of the emotional stakes from Q. I know he’s trying to distract himself, but well, that usually doesn’t work as well as we want it to, does it. In particular, the scene between Q and M feels like a missed opportunity (although I don’t think it’s the only place this could happen). I definitely don’t think you want to lean too hard on it or you risk taking away from the scene between Q and M themselves, which is lovely, but I think a judiciously light touch here and a few other places throughout could be very effective. As I go: I like “Don’t you like him?” much better than the original line re: the stuffed animal. Nicely done! Last line of page 5, there are some odd things happening with the italics. Pg 6: “he sneered in no mood for this” should be a comma after “sneered.” Also, nitpicky but sneered strikes me as not quite the right verb here. Snapped, growled, etc., something that conveys a little more anger rather than condescension or contempt. Really surprised Q didn’t pursue E’s “failed experiment” theory farther. If it were me I’d have all sorts of questions – even if they were distracting from the matter at hand. Bottom of page 8, “pleasant or complementary” should be “complimentary” in this context, I think “...so far above my paygrade a telescope couldn’t see...” nice. Bottom-ish of page 9, “bar tender” written as two words where it should be a compound word. Good end to the chapter. This made sense to me, as E speculating on who (within Gen) MC could be without knowing exactly who, even if she has a theory. Speaking of her having a theory, if you're wanting to plant a few last breadcrumbs for readers who haven't cottoned on to the fact that MC/N is indeed the failed experiment, we could always get a reaction shot of E in the last chapter as MC is talking and E starts to form her somewhat-horrifying theory. I don't know that it's essential, but it could lay a bit more groundwork for the conversation that Q and E have in this chapter. I don't think this is wrong, but I honestly didn't notice it while reading. It could be that having read the previous version is making me more forgiving about this draft, but for me this chapter really was more about the emotional stakes.

So @kais, @Mandamon, and @Robinski for Monday. Any other takers? Is Monday really going to be the 27th of January already...?

So @Mandamon, @kais and @Robinski for Monday the 20th.

Your work days clearly look very different than mine do, both of you. At least this explains the secret of @Mandamon The First! Also, I ended up revisiting the rest of the comments in a separate post above, in case you didn't see it.

I didn't feel the same way (about it being too much, that is). M very much strikes me as the kind of character who will take things personally even when they happen to be aimed at friends/associates, rather than at her directly. I mean, going by the book, Kr would/should absolutely be treated as having broken the law, because, well, he has. He might not be here, because the thin blue line draws together and all that, but I don't think that Ko tracking the truck--which, by the book, he should absolutely be doing-- necessarily positions him as helping DM, especially not since the dude's just shot him (I mean, I very much doubt that this is the case, but the man could very well be dead given the information we have at the moment). "The cops are not always your friend, even when you're on the same side" is kind of a thing in private eye narratives, I think, and it's certainly been a thing in this one. All of which is a very long way of saying that I didn't experience this the same way @Mandamon did. I was a little bit confused at first too, but sorta read it as intentional. Yeah, I wonder if one of these could just straight-up be a new scene? Yes! This seed was planted very early on and it's super-satisfying to have it finally come to light. Bug, or feature?

Yeah, I got pretty much what @Mandamon said, that she was setting her son up for success. Possibly/probably with her own agenda in mind, but certainly not in any way evil. Hm, yeah. The only alternative I could think of was "game face" which is a whole lot more modern. Hmm, okay. This definitely didn't quite come through in the moment. I think it might be because I at least didn't see the wizards as a threat; they came across as self-important and pompous but not really terribly competent, which is definitely an archetype when it comes to politicians in stories. I wonder if amping up the sense of menace we get from them, just a little, might make this come through clearer without getting into a lot of worldbuilding stuff that, you're right, there doesn't seem to be a lot of room for. This is the way I was leaning, but wasn't quite clear. I think it might have been the persistent repetition of the word "sisters" more than anything that through me off. I think the thing that threw me here was that she seemed pleased when the first girl came into the picture that the prince finally had a suitor, so I didn't know why she would change her opinion when there were two. This maybe comes back to the discussion about the wizards. Oof, sorry to hear that. hope things are indeed on the upswing soon!

I’m with the others – this is much better. There’s more tension and, more importantly, we’re starting to get some payoff. Donning my “cop’s kid” hat again for a moment… The very beginning of the gunfight doesn’t sit quite right with me either, but I’m coming at it from a slightly different angle than @Mandamon or @Sarah B. I’m pretty much okay with Kr putting the pieces together and realizing DM is a threat (although it’s still not clear why they let him down there to begin with. Even if Koo didn’t know what DM was, he probably shouldn’t be letting people wander into detention cells willy-nilly). Koo following his lead and drawing also – in other circumstances I’d at least expect him to question it, but DM has a gun drawn and that changes a lot. The thing that’s getting me now is that this is effectively a hostage situation, which means that the police should be working to de-escalate the situation. I know, I know, in an ideal world where cops always behave as they should and they ALL have training as hostage negotiators and no panic responses, but these are also secondary characters whom you’ve had playing a relatively idealized role, and I can’t be the only one who reads this and thinks “that’s a terrible idea.” Anyhow, hopefully that perspective gives you something else to play around with as you work up to the firefight. As I go: Bottom of p3, “his gaze locked on Q” – not sure exactly what this statement is doing here, it seems unnecessary. Suspect you could just delete. Top-ish of p4, now DM is also using TOM abbreviation. It’s not out of the question that DM would come up with same abbreviation Mo did, but he doesn’t seem the type to use cutesy acronyms anyway. Given DM’s reputation, I would have expected him to fire on Mo as soon as Q said “no.” Barring that I would have expected him to fire as soon as they all heard the door open, before Chefs K and K could actually get downstairs. “If Q could make things up, so could she.” Good, but I’d like to see DM actually take the bait in some way, or this becomes a throwaway line. Could be as simple as DM maybe narrowing his eyes or something, but he could also demand that Mo elaborate. This might be a good way of stalling him, too, until the Chefs arrive. P6 “ears ringing like the Duomo” nice. Top of p9, “loath” should be “loathe” since this is the verb form of the word MC shrouding R’s digital footprint helps explain why DM hasn’t found them yet, but if MC’s position’s been compromised wouldn’t the effectiveness of whatever technique he’s using to shroud them be somewhat suspect? Could be mentioned explicitly to inject even more urgency into the situation, perhaps. If MC has video, couldn’t he send the video to Q and company without needing them to come into Gen first? True, that’s one less reason for Q to go into Gen in the first place, but Q seems unlikely to just walk away knowing there’s someone that needs his help, and MC seems to have Q’s number in this regard. Even before the reveal that you’ve written into this chapter later. Last paragraph of the sub “actually managed a smiled” should be smile. I see a couple of things in other's comments that I want to respond to, but it is now 8:01am and I'm supposed to be working. Watch this space and I'll update the post when I get a chance.

I would be lying if I didn't say I kind of love this mental image.

I’m pretty sure this is a reader problem and not a writer problem, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t read that first sentence as “corpse-studded pastures.” Middle of p2 “wonderlingly” should be “wonderingly” Bottom of p2 refers to the prince as a spellcaster. This was a minor stumbling block for me but a stumbling block nonetheless, since “spellcaster” is a word I associate much more with D&D and similar narratives than fairy tales. Might be worthwhile to swap it out for something like “magician.” I like the clear twist on our expectations here, with love at first sight not actually referring to the prince. I didn’t initially assume that the horse could speak either, but there were a couple of points early on where, in my experience of the story, it became reasonably clear that the horse’s choice to not speak was indeed a choice; specifically, where it was noted that the horse had a unique perspective on the prince’s passion and where it was noted that the horse did not disabuse the mages of their misconception. Both on page 3. The way the paragraph last paragraph of p3 seems to be leaning fairly heavily on the dramatic irony also helped clue me in. Then again, it’s certainly not what I would call explicit, and I seem to be very much in the minority in this regard. P5 repeats the line that the queen didn’t intervene – this time it seems to be in reference to the sisters’ deception. I don’t understand how the queen discovered it (which I don’t think matters much) or why it’s important to her (which feels a little more important). Bottom of p5 notes that the prince loves the girl and her sister, which was wording I found slightly confusing since we’ve just been told the prince doesn’t know of the deception. The POV is what I might consider limited omniscient—knows more than a strictly third person limited would, but less than a fully omniscient narrator—but since we’re more or less in the prince’s head here I would expect to refer to the girls how the prince knows them at this particular moment, which is as girl and horse. Middle of p7 “the price had wondered” should be prince As for your questions: -- Anything that you didn't understand or that I wasn't clear about. The relationship between the sisters; I wasn't sure how literally to take "sisters;" that is, is their relationship a really close friendship that resembles a familial bond, or is it a more intimate relationship that's framed as sisterhood because we Don't Do That in fairy tales and we're supposed to read between the lines? If the latter, it's probably worthwhile to be a bit more explicit because it's going against the same tropes that other aspects of the story are leaning heavily on, especially given that the way the prince figures into this would be another subversion of the prince-and-princess trope. I'll also note that I didn't immediately get the transformation of the mages--I had to go back and reread a couple of paragraphs for it to fully sink in--but I seem to be in the minority there. -- Anything I might have hinted that would happen but didn't (promises I made but didn't keep) I touched in my comments above on the one thing I wondered about: the way the narrative implies that the queen does not approve of the sisters' deception. It's never explained why or, perhaps more importantly, what she does about it. She seems to be a puppet master who is nudging the prince towards marriage, but this particular implication doesn't seem to have any impact on the story in the end. -- Is the queen okay? Pretty much covered what I wanted to say about the Queen above. As a character, she's fine. -- How much do you hate those guys? Not a lot, to be honest? They clearly got what they deserved, and I certainly winced at/disapproved of their plan to sacrifice the horse in pursuit of knowledge and/or power. It seems fairly clear that the story is presenting their single-minded pursuit of either ore at any cost as a Bad Thing. But for me the story worked almost entirely on an intellectual level, rather than a visceral or emotional one, so I don't feel particularly strongly about them. I hope that distinction makes sense. For the record, I didn't experience the lack as a problem, just as a function of how the story works. -- Am I bashing around too much with the clue hammer at that one point? I could guess at I think two different points that this question might be referring to, but that's because you asked. There isn't a whole lot that's explicit in this story, so it's fine to emphasize the most important points. Repetition tends to to function as a stylistic feature in fairy tales and it's certainly doing so here, so I think it's fine. Me too. This worked for me. I felt like I knew exactly what was being conveyed. Also, @Turin Turambar, FYI I just edited your post to remove the middle sections of each of the bits you quoted so that somebody reading the thread can't just plunk them into a Google search. Same principle as with the unique names - protects intellectual property by making it less Google-able should a story be published down the line. And which, come to think of it, is probably not actually in our guidelines at the moment, so I'll amend them when I get the chance.

So we have @Mandamon and @Robinski for tomorrow. Any other takers?