Silk

He sees you when you're sleeping...?

Please go ahead. Sorry for the delay - I was stuck in an airport waiting for my flights to be cancelled

Please do!

Don't worry about it! If you're the only one subbing right now then you are. Just how it happens sometimes. And yes, go ahead for tomorrow.

P1: I like seeing the results of Q’s powers – I like the butterflies which were not what I was expecting, and Q’s physical experience goes a long way towards explaining why she hasn’t used her powers before now – though I think some hints of this in the chapters leading up to here would have been helpful. That being said, at the bottom of the first page I have a good understanding of the cost of Q’s powers but not what she’s actually accomplished. How has the arena changed? Are there still zombies? Are the butterflies the Sspots? Etc. P3 “Q plucked out one of his feathers.” Confused – at first I thought F had been hit by something, because the description of Q pulling his feathers came after the exclamation. I also don’t know why she’s picking at his feathers, since he seems to be doing what she asked. P4 why did E bother with pretend panic? I’m not sure what she gained from that – or from beating on Q. P8 Is the queen a child, or…? P13 “Because her Majesty is stupid.” Well… yes. The way she’s presented seems actually fairly extreme. In fact, I’m halfway gunning for a “the queen is pretending to be stupid to manipulate them all behind the scenes” here. Is she a secret mastermind? I hope she’s a secret mastermind. P15 “rhyming was beneath him.” Not sure what “flee” would be rhyming with here. Overall: I’m really glad we finally got to see Q do stuff with her powers and some—pretty compelling, really—answers about why she had hesitated to use them in the first place. As I mentioned above I struggled to piece together the actual effect those powers had, so maybe some more description of the scene is called for. Most of my comments at this point are just a reiteration of what I said in the earlier chapters, mostly that I’d really like to have a better grasp of why the characters are doing what they’re doing. In this chapter, it was mostly the encounter between Q and E. The dialogue between the two of them tells me that E is tearing a strip off of Q because Q let F run around unsupervised, but beyond that, I don’t really know. It feels like there’s some political machinations going on—and not just that they’re upset because a bunch of people died in a village in the middle of nowhere—but I don’t know what those are, or what succeeding or failing means for any of these characters. I think the vast majority of my struggles will be solved by going back and seeding in some proper telegraphing of all these things in various scenes, so when we get more reveals like the ones that have happened in the most recent two or three chapters, they pack the punch they ought. I’m looking forward to reading revised chapters and/or the rest of the manuscript, when you’re ready!

Yes, go ahead.

So F can get hungry even though he’s dead. Interesting. Actually, that reminds me, is he still running around with his head just, like, precariously balanced on his neck? How has it not fallen off? P2: is he actually expecting to get answers out of the zombie? Because it’s one thing for him to goofily address it, but 2 or three lines into this conversation it seems like he’s asking in earnest. …Oh, the zombie responded. Huh. P3 Not sure what is meant by “expelled itself.” At first I thought he yelled, but I think maybe he just means he wasn’t feeling this emotion anymore? Bit of an emotional impact between para 1 and para 2 of Q’s scene. At first she seems just performatively annoyed by the fact that the gun didn’t work, but the second paragraph she’s panicked. And again I find myself wondering what kind of magic she can actually do? She keeps talking about how she’s a witch, but we’ve only really seen her be a journalist. I do, however, like the fact that B apparently reads her articles. I’m not uninterested in the conversation Q and B are having, but it does feel like it’s going on a little long. Also the background with the staring zombies and so forth seems to have completely disappeared. Has all the chaos stopped? P7 I’m not sure this is a problem per se since it clearly has an impact on Q, but the reveal that B is someone else doesn’t have an impact on me as a reader, since I don’t know anything about all this. I’m not sure this is supposed to be that kind of moment, though. My main thought now as I read through this conversation is that I have no idea where it’s going. P9 I think that more of a sense of menace/danger would be helpful building up to B trying to … eat? Q. Wasn’t there something in earlier chapters about B just being able to control other people? Why isn’t she doing that here? P13 “Her head imploded.” That was… abrupt. So this was F? I’d assumed it was the approaching witch army. “Could ostriches smile?” If they’re anything like emus, yes, and they’re murderous smiles. P15 Ah. Maybe this is the witch army. And hey, I’m glad Q finally gets to do… something. Overall: I’m still largely enjoying this line-by-line, and the balance of antics to action felt better this time, though there was still at least one spot where I couldn’t tell how much of what we were seeing was the characters being performatively goofy and how much was them being earnest. And, having gotten to the end of the chapter, the conversation between B and Q definitely feels a little long, but I think the biggest issue is that I felt like I didn’t have the understanding to appreciate what was actually happening in that conversation. Some of that is down to worldbuilding – just about everything that I know about the politics and history of your world was revealed in that same conversation, with the exception of only a couple minor tidbits – but I also don’t understand what this means for the characters. We really know nothing about Q’s goals, her relationships with these other characters she’s pledged to serve, what she stands or lose to gain aside from trying to save her own skin. I’m really feeling anxious to start seeing snippets of a bigger picture. Edit: omg first! Ahem. Sorry, sorry. It just happens so rarely.

Please do!

So rather than attempting to fully catch up on all submissions, realizing that folks have probably received plenty of feedback in the interim, I've decided just to read up to the most recent submission for everyone and start there. Hopefully that helps me keep up with future submissions. BUT I did make some very brief notes about the chapters prior to to this, which I'll put behind a spoiler tag so you don't have to scroll forever to get to this week's feedback. Onto this week. If you’ve already read the bullets above I know I’m retreading ground here, but I do want to point what’s colouring my view as I come into this sub: The wacky antics, which I started off quite enjoying, now feel like they’re getting in the way for a few reasons: 1. It feels like we are spending a little too much time on banter/antics and not enough on actual plot progression; 2. It’s beginning to feel like none of the characters actually know what they’re doing and 3. In the most recent chapter, the tone feels like it’s clashing with what’s actually happening on the page. With that said, comments: Bottom of p4, when Q starts swearing, at first I thought something bad was happening but she’s just doing an impression of the Queen? P7 It seems to be taking an awfully long time for these zombies to become an actual problem for anyone… P8 okay, the bit here with the zomified innkeep is good. Maybe just a little bit more build up to this point? P9 “…for the priests to have cast this particular talisman aside.” Confusion. This is a talisman he had long before the bird-napping priests, right? Did they leave this one behind specifically for some reason (while presumably taking his other stuff)? Or is this a different set of priests? Also is F’s head still just balanced on top of his body? How’s it not fallen off by now? Did the decapitation have any lasting effects at all? P11 “but the minutes dragged into hours… and Queensworth continued to die” I genuinely had the impression this place wasn’t big enough that people could continue dying for hours at this scale. I’m also having a hard time getting a bead on how concerned Q really is about this zombie problem. She seemed legitimately angry/upset with F, insisted on getting and loading her gun, but now has gone back to her newspaper job and seems unconcerned. (Also, I think there is an opportunity for trimming some of the description, as the newspaper article more or less repeats what’s been said in the immediately preceding paragraphs.) The bit where Q debates resigning from her court position reminds me that we actually know very little about Q or what her goals are. Is J supposed to have more expertise than Q does? I can’t tell if she legitimately also doesn’t know these things or is being obtuse. I think we need more info about the five and Q’s relationship for them for this call to have a full impact. P18 Can Q see FN or not? Because it “sounds” like he’s going up backwards but Q seems to be looking right at him. “Squeezed the trigger on a weapon that she’d…” good, but again for full impact I actually think this needs to come earlier. It might also help explain her reticence to fire the thing to begin with. Overall: Mostly what I said at the start. I’m also not feeling a lot of urgency from Q to actually correct the zombie thing until the end of the chapter. But, I don't want to lose the fact that there are many parts of the dynamic I'm enjoying, as well as the line-by-line writing! I would like to state for the record that this is an objectively amazing thing to have read.

You’re on.

Do you mean jumping right to the second scene with D? I don't know that this would necessarily be confusing, but I think that the scene where A is talking to B actually works pretty well. It's a good way to see A at work and show some of his capabilities and obstacles firsthand. I would probably be inclined to keep it, but trim it down and make it more focused and action-oriented (again, where "action" in this case actually means showcasing the dialogue)

Shard has for some reason decided it is opposed to paragraph breaks. New post to finish my thoughts... My plan for arranging/performing the piece, since it's come up, is actually to turn this into a loop arrangement with a trombone bass line and some shots over rhythm guitar. And then, yes, include an instrumental break for some solo work with the guitar and trombone.* I'm currently thinking a 12-bar interlude between verse 2 and 3 and a 24-bar interlude between 3 and 4, but not quite sure yet. That' d take it up to probably more like 6min... maybe I need to record two versions... * which does not exclude a harmonica solo... although really I'd need a chromatic harmonica for proper jazz and blues instead of my little C diatonic Since I'm thinking about it and Mandamon tagged it, was anyone else unclear on "nobody's perfect but mine", especially if I adjust the line to be more clearly "I'm nobody's perfect but mine"? I know what it meant, but in true songwriting fashion the grammar there is, to use my new favourite word, somewhat shonky.

Thanks @Robinski! Totally, lyrics are extremely subjective and that's one of the reasons why I wanted to bounce it off a larger group like this. I think I could add another verse as others have suggested without messing anything up that's working for you, though as I alluded to before I'm sort of reluctant, because the format is so repetitive. It's one of the reasons I'm considering a bridge, but that's not a thing that 12-bar-blues usually does and would probably make the way I plan to arrange/perform the piece more challenging. lol. I actually do play the harmonica (well, I make noise on the harmonica - I'm certain real harmonica players hate me) but I only have a C harmonica and C might be a little low for this tune! Maybe if I just put it early in my set lists... This is helpful, thanks. "I'm" is essentially a pickup note to the next phrase and I bumped it up because it made the refrain a little cramped, but I think the "white space" between the two lines is probably also contributing to the hitch folks experienced.

I'm glad it spurred you to dig up your old stuff! And hey, it's not like I'm performing this stuff exclusively for crowds of musicians, so "layperson" feedback (for lack of a better word only) is as important if not more so than experienced songwriter feedback. I do have someone I can probably bounce this off for songwriter perspective as well, if she's willing. Hmmm. It seems like I have rather more work to do on this than I'd hoped, as it sounds like there's something central that isn't coming through yet. And I had really hoped not to add more verses... I wonder if I could get away with a bridge instead. If I'm able to make some changes fairly promptly (probably not, though, ugh) I might come back to this thread with some questions. Thanks for the feedback so far @JWerner @ginger_reckoning and @Mandamon!

P1 The first paragraph has caught my attention, but I wonder if the first couple of paragraphs could be trimmed a tiny bit. It’s starting to feel like the point about A pretending to someone else is being belaboured. Nitpicky, and I wouldn’t necessarily say I stumbled on this but it did catch my attention; “sleek bulk” feels somewhat oxymoronic. (I’m not sure it can actually be an oxymoron since neither of those words are nouns…) “one slip-up, and it was all over…” Aside from the demi-god reference in the first line, this is the first sense I’ve gotten of stakes, or any uncertainty at all from A. To this point, though he’s pretending to be someone he’s not, he’s seemed fairly confident in what he’s doing/made the situation seem fairly routine. P2 I like the little detail around him wearing older forms, though “only one way to be beautiful” is awfully telling in its own way and suggests that the narrator is more narrow-minded than he thinks he is I find I’m very eager for the conversation that’s happening here. I wonder if some of the thoughts from above could be moved into this conversation so we can get to it sooner. P4 Curious about what the mi are, since they seem to be something between humans and demigods (which A isn’t, yet). P6 So uh.. how are they planning to enforce this rule on the posters? Also, as a reader this crackdown seems to come a little bit out of nowhere. I think it comes back to not quite feeling the stakes especially in the early parts of the chapter. I’m not feeling much sense of menace or malice from D, so him trying to short A came as a surprise. Overall: I’m enjoying the sub so far. Plenty of questions, but nothing I’m not willing to have answered in later chapters. Two overall comments: One, the narrator seems to spend a lot of time in his thoughts, and I think there is room for some of that to be trimmed or moved around to get to the action (in this case dialogue) of each scene sooner. Two, it feels like a lot of stakes are back-loaded, made clearer in the second half of the chapter (and even in each scene) rather than being spelled out up front, but those are the areas where I find I’m most engaged.

So rather than attempting to fully catch up on all submissions, realizing that folks have probably received plenty of feedback in the interim, I've decided just to read up to the most recent submission for everyone and start there. Hopefully that helps me keep up with future submissions. BUT I did make some very brief notes about the chapters prior to to this, which I'll put behind a spoiler tag so you don't have to scroll forever to get to this week's feedback. Onto this week’s submission! Ch 5.5-7 As I read: “…in case some of them stayed behind.” How many gifs are there? Since they control multiple cities, my base assumption is quite a few, and probably enough that I have difficulty suspending my disbelief that they all went to check out whatever distraction was offered – especially in a correctional facility they control. “he really is the president’s son.” I’m not sure we’ve been given any info that actually confirms this yet. But also, F and J finding this place in the first place, let alone being able to eavesdrop on it in this way, feels way too easy. They don’t seem to be guarded or supervised at all, and the fact that the president and A just happen to be here anyway (the gifs don’t all live in a correctional facility, surely?) seems very coincidental. The sudden leap to – as far as I can tell – eugenics and, I think?, violent genocide also feels like a very large leap. I think we need more foreshadowing/worldbuilding to get us here, or an intermediate step, or ... something. Ch6 “J, are you even listening?” Can’t she read minds? “A glare seems to be her resting face…” lol. Uh… where are the guards/teachers/supervisors of this correctional facility? Why are our protagonist and her friends allowed to openly plot rebellion in a lunch room? On the one hand I’m kind of digging the way N seems to be turning into a heist leader, but from the way she presents it I’m still not feeling like this is going to pose any sort of challenge for the protags. “I need to figure out how to get the keycard…” wait, I thought that was the gambit with the hot chocolate was about somehow. She was just antagonizing C to be difficult I guess? I'm not sure that "cut off the belt" as a solution to stealing a keycard is going to work, unless it goes drastically wrong which the story doesn't seem pointed to do. Too many problems - the person would notice, she still has to get the keycard way from them, etc etc. This happens in a few places, but there is a shift in tone that is especially apparent here, when the characters go from attempting to prevent literal genocide to ... pranking their torturers. Overall: I like the premise and there are some neat juxtapositions in the worldbuiding that I find really interesting, and can possibly be leaned on even more. My major sticking point right now is that the gifs feel a little … cartoon villainous to me, which comes across in a couple of ways. First, they have totally unreasonable expectations about how the world should work, which is effective in terms of getting me on the protagonist’s side, but without more worldbuilding to support it feels like they’re being evil because the book needs them to be evil. Second, they don’t seem to pose a real obstacle to our protagonist – because even though torture and eating mush aren’t pleasant, she, N, and F can still wander around the facility more or less unhindered. I think that upping the challenge factor and building out the world beyond the facility will go a long way towards staying invested in the protagonist and her journey.

No content warnings for this one. I plan on getting caught up on critiques, hopefully starting as soon as this week. I don't usually like to provide a lot of preamble to my subs, but recognizing that this not-speculative, not-fiction submission might not be everybody's bag, a few considerations: * Do the lyrics make sense? * Do they resonate? * Does everything seem to be in the right order? * Does the piece seem complete? Optionally, I've included a clip of the melody as well. Apologies for the even scrappier scrap recording than I intended. No accompaniment, because I didn't have time to put my guitar and recording gear back together - torn down to prevent the puppy chewing on them, of course. Anyway, if you choose to listen to the recording, comments on rhythm and melody are welcome as well. I will add at least one instrumental break, more likely two, between verses in the final product.

Looks like we have (maybe) three for tomorrow: @JWerner, @shatteredsmooth and me.

So aside from me claiming a spot for myself for Monday (pp - "puppy pending," and yes, I know I have to catch up on crits too!) - are there any other takers? Four slots open.

Assuming I manage to put a scrap recording together before Monday--which is admittedly dubious with a three-month-old puppy around--would folks be willing to do some song critique again? I have one that I just finished that I could use some ears on.

YOu're both good to go!

Please do!

Did... did we all forget to post this here? As of almost two weeks ago(!), Farther Reefs, an anthology of sapphic fantasy stories, is out in the world! Published by @Mandamon's small press Space Wizard and with stories by @Mandamon, @kais, @Robinski, @shatteredsmooth (Shard is doing the thing again and won't let me tag them), and me, plus five other authors (or in one case, co-authoring team!): https://www.amazon.com/Farther-Reefs-Adventure-Relationships-Nautical-ebook/dp/B0B99D1LC2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2XI7MA76F13Y7&keywords=farther+reefs&qid=1666818346&sprefix=farther+reef%2Caps%2C195&sr=8-1 My particular story involves pirates, sea monsters, and historians who make bad decisions. PS: I am behind on critiques, I know. I blame the puppy. Working on catching back up.

You’re both good

You’re on. Any other takers?