Silk

As I go: P1 I’m not sure what is meant by an “appropriate” smile. P2 “…I hear there are some behind your school.” I’m having trouble articulating what’s not sitting quite right, so this might be really unhelpful – so the usual grain of salt applies. But, having G just pinpoint exactly what’s needed and where to find them, especially knowing W already has some pre-picked at home… it feels like there’s a try/fail cycle that’s missing here. It might also be partially that W really doesn’t fight G on this being magic. Has she encountered things before in her life that make her feel like this is not as farfetched as it seems, or…? End of the scene and I definitely still feel like we’re missing a try/fail or … something. W gets a magic cure and some information without really having to work for it. P6 “Though there is a way for me to get more.” Don’t they grow behind the pond? W needing N is a great setup, but only if there’s some reason she can’t just go and pick more flowers by herself. P7 “I do my best to change the topic after that slip of the tongue.” Kind of want to actually see this part of the conversation, even if it’s brief. P9 “Based on N’s reaction…” I like the dread at the end of the chapter and almost wonder if you can punch up N’s reaction to the flower thing a little more, so it feels fully earned. Since Ch4 is the first chapter – I think? That we get from a POV other than W’s, I wonder if we can actually have a little more lead-up into it. Even with N’s name at the top, the events move on so directly from the events of the last chapter that I almost read right over the POV switch, especially since there’s no precedent for it. The switch to a character we haven’t met before not being abusive feels… very abrupt. Definitely feels like we might need more of a lead into some of this. P12 B is the ex’s new girlfriend, right? Have we actually been introduced to her in this draft? Maybe WRS but I don’t remember her name coming up. And I know you sort of hung a lantern on it with W’s comment about timing, but her appearance does seem awfully coincidental. Over the whole chapter, W seems to be taking this whole “oh bee-tee-dubs there’s magic now” thing very well. Not sure that’s an issue exactly, but I noticed a couple of times. You did hang a lantern on it towards the very end of the sub with W’s comment about having had suspicions, so maybe just a bit more of that is needed? Overall: You’ve got what’s potentially a great setup here, with the thing W needs most being tied to the person she’s been warned away from, though we need some more explanation as to why she can’t just get more from the pond. I’m still very much feeling @kais’s comment from last time that the chapter is moving both too fast and too slow. We’re getting a bun ch of information and a magical solution, but W doesn’t really have to try for either and I don’t have enough to contextualize all the information we’re getting. There’s some good stuff happening but I think it might be happening in the wrong order. Okay, let me come back to this when I'm not being crawled over by puppies.

Congratulations on your first submission! P1 The setup with a super-hearing monster is a good way to create a hook right off the hop. “They can probably stop their heart if… It was almost as if they were canceling each other’s sound waves...” Wasn’t sure how to take these statements. Are they hyperbole and this is a reflection of the narrator’s character? Or can these people actually do these things? “…the T would have heard the noise too. So must have the entire settlement” is the whole settlement T, to hear such a quiet noise? P2: The comment about his mother boxing his ears makes me suspect he’s fairly young, and would probably go some way for me to explaining the hyperbolic lines I mentioned above. Maybe a marker of age on the first page? “He ran for a good fifteen minutes…” This is a long time to run. I would have expected something to happen before this point. And, if the T’s hearing is so good, how does it/they not hear the sound waves this group of people is regularly emitting? It makes the danger from the T feel overblown. I like the acoustic/auditory method of communications – it’s neat. I do wonder if “sound wave” is the right word, I don’t have a clear picture of what they’re actually doing. Are they making clicks or whistles at certain frequencies, or…? P4: I’m getting antsy for something else to happen. They characters are still trying to hide themselves, but haven’t they already been discovered? The word “heist” is getting tossed around a lot and comes with some very specific tropes, but so far what’s being described doesn’t feel like an actual “heist.” P6: At this point I’m ready for better sense of stakes. What does it mean that the monster they were expecting isn’t there? Are they more or less likely to succeed with it gone? P10: I’d like to feel a little more danger here. I think the crew might be just too effective at keeping themselves and B out of danger. B seems to be stepping up to play a pivotal role in this fight at the end of the chapter, but I don’t really understand any of it. I don’t necessarily need to know all the ins and outs of the magic system but a little more preparation for B’s role – like he has a very specific skill that he’s here for (or doesn’t expect to ever use, or whatever else is appropriate) might help us prepare for him stepping into the fight at the end of the chapter. Overall: Good start! There’s an interesting magic system here, although I didn’t always understand who was attempting to do what or why. The major thing that was missing for me was tension. The “can’t make noise or the monster will hear us” is a good setup, but the tension is deflated on the first page when someone makes a noise… and then nothing happens as consequence for several more pages. If the major threat is “we’ll be heard” and someone makes a noise on the first page, there either needs to be an escalation (yes, and) or a twist (no, but). Alternatively, the inciting incident—the characters revealing themselves with a noise—can happen later in the story if the characters are making progress toward their goals in the meantime, and then the inevitable mistake can hang over us. It would also be helpful to have some hint of what the emotional arc of the story is. “Don’t screw up or we’ll die” creates an immediate hook, but by the end of the chapter I want to have a better sense of what the characters are doing and why. This can also help build tension if I have a better idea of why it matters if the characters fail.

So we have @Ace of Hearts, @Yuliya, @ginger_reckoning and @Cathy Lim. One slot left if anyone wants it.

Nope, I thought it was good. In general, this is definitely clear by now but I don't think you have to be afraid of doing stuff like this, either. It is bugging me a bit that A doesn't seem to be picking up on these cues at all, even subconsciously. A bit more of that might help make it more apparent for those who still need that, reduce frustration with A seeming naive, and build up a bit more tension.

Very similar answer to that question here. I think the dream sequence or the "getting ready for new job sequence" could be trimmed and built into solid introductions, potentially, but without knowing the shape of the story it's hard to pick out bits and pieces that should be kept or cut.

Have only been skimming others' comments, but found myself nodding along to this one, even though I said something almost opposite about pacing. It feels like things are happening at about the right rate, but the pace at which we're getting information definitely needs to be smoothed out.

Forgot to mention this but this struck me as a bit odd too, to spend several pages on something that the POV character then didn't remember.

Not sure why, but starting in the second paragraph or so I became unsure whether we were still in a dream. Maybe one or two more cues scattered throughout to denote a ‘dreamlike’ atmosphere? A lot of the sentences are very similar in structure and length. Consider looking for ways to vary them up once you’re ready to do line edits. P4: I know we’re still in the dream sequence here, but I’m starting to get antsy for a sense of stakes. What does R, even the dream version of R, actually want during this sequence? P5: “It was a uniform.” Seems fairly obvious from context. P6 “It was going to be her first day as a Research Assistant.” Ahah! I had been wondering why we started the story this morning, as opposed to any other morning. This gives me way more grounding in the character than anything that has come before. P7 “working with patience” should be “patients” I imagine, flagging as spellcheck won’t catch it Curious as to the difference, functionally, between a physician and a healer, and why they seem to be at least to some degree exclusive to one another. P8 So far it feels like the function of the chapter is only to introduce us to the cast of characters. I’m feeling antsy for some sense of stakes or tension that drives us toward the inciting incident. The “first day at a new job” helps but now I’m looking for the things that are going to make it difficult for her to actually do her job. P9 “T looked Z up and down.” The “charming” remark here came across as very sarcastic. If that was the intent, carry on. Overall: The biggest challenge for me was the lack of sense of stakes throughout the chapter, which feels very “a day in the life” right now. The only real sense I get of something changing is the realization partway through that this is R’s first day in her new job, which helps, but isn’t enough on its own to keep me engaged. So far there doesn’t seem to be an inciting incident—something that brings us into this book in particular, even if some of those stakes and goals are wrapped up in the previous book. On a general note, I kept noticing that a lot of the sentences are very similar in structure and length. Consider looking for ways to vary them up once you’re ready to do line edits. I am interested in the world and what seems like an intrigue-style fantasy from the first book. Carry on!

P1 “There is obviously something wrong…” was unsure if this person was talking to or about A here. “Considering the power his company held…” I don’t understand what is meant here. P2 “…not a tool.” Fair statement from C here, and maybe this is just because the sub is a bit non-linear, but I’m not getting the impression so far that A is actually being used. People are suspicious of him here but that’s not the same thing. Also, I’m kind of surprised that O is so open about his suspicion. If O is suspicious of A, this seems like bad strategy. P3 From the “we don’t talk about Mele” thing happening between A and C here, I’m guessing that random spiritual beings aren’t part of how one usually becomes a con? “…but A could still feel it prowling around and in him” good. There’s more of a sense of menace here than when A pushed back against M in prior subs. If M is humouring him and waiting him for the right moment (or something) then things like this could be very helpful foreshadowing. P4 A’s reaction to the “bone and blood” thing at the top of p4 seems really understated, especially since he doesn’t spend any time thinking about it here, even with the justification of “he didn’t want to be caught…” Still wondering about “it will only take a week.” Seems arbitrary. P5 “He may be new…” to the council which is what this meeting seems to be? He’s obviously not new to the community. Are we supposed to assume N is hiding something? I’m assuming N is hiding something. P7 “It seemed like O would become even more important…” I’m singling out this line in particular because it there’s really no indication of what O’s actual role is here, but there’s a lot going on here that we haven’t been privy to, and it’s hard to follow. Suddenly they’re talking about profits rather than survival, but also there are pimps and their involvement in supplying drugs. I think we need more info to make this meaningful, probably in the last few chapters getting to this point. Omg please tell me A’s going to eat all of these hypothetical chickens P10 the exchange with H seemed mostly like a rehash of the meeting. I’m not sure how it moves us forward. Overall: There’s a lot going on in this chapter. I touched on this in my LBLs with reference to being thrown into the gang politics, but there’s also just a bunch of stuff happening, and I’m not sure what the through-line is: There’s the meeting, which doesn’t seem to result in any clear direction for the characters yet; there’s the weird chicken job, which I admittedly kind of adore but which doesn’t seem to fit into the urgency of everything else that’s happening; there’s the emotional fall-out from how the mil now regard A which I’ve kind of been wanting which doesn’t last very long; there’s the interaction with A’s parent. I think perhaps a clearer focus for the chapter, with the other things happening on the sidelines, might help. I do like that Mel seems to be a more menacing character here, and assuming that I’m correct in thinking it’s not a benevolent entity, I think that can be punched up even more.

General rule of thumb here is that it should be what is useful for you! I for one don't at all mind providing feedback on multiple drafts if there's been editing in between.

Welcome back! As I read: “…rumours speak of…” Having trouble parsing this sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Missing word maybe? P2 “Trying to poach them?” This is not what I expected for what seemed like a high-school romance/drama with magic. It’s also a bit weird to me that W doesn’t seem to find this strange. Also, A seems much older than W. Not sure if that’s a correct impression or not. P5 “trial and error taught me…” this sentence stuck out at me, for reasons can’t quite put my finger on. Also, I think there is a small tense issue with “taught” since the story is primarily in present. Maybe “have taught”? P7 “the images of blood and sparkles…” this has come up frequently enough that it’s starting to feel a little repetitive. The previous reference when we got a hint of something more – the “maybe I just made it up” – was helpful but just referencing the image without any other information doesn’t give a sense of forward motion. P9 “playing with a fidget cube…” since the action’s already been described, do we need the explanation of stimming in the next sentence? P10 “They know something about those flowers.” Aside from the repetition the separate paragraph here is putting an emotional weight on the flowers that I don’t quite understand. Definitely need more information if they’re going to keep coming up like this. Edit: Oh good, we’re getting some with this upcoming scene. Maybe just moving this line around so we get some of this first? P12: W’s aunt’s been missing for weeks and nobody told her until now?! P14/15: I’m enjoying this interaction between N and W, but I’m curious as to how W actually feels about being told to stay away from him. Aside from one or two brief mentions of her liking being around him, all I’m really getting is that she’s trying to be polite. P16/17: Interesting characterization from W here, not saying the easy thing to N’s brother. I like it. P17 “…now that I know there’s another way?” This seems a bit overblown. W’s even dated before, even though it didn’t work out. Overall: This is a solid start, and the lines of conflict are way clearer in this version than the last draft in a way I really appreciate. The pacing so far seems pretty solid. I mentioned this at one specific point already, but I think there is more that can be done to punch up the emotional impact during the dialogue specifically – the narrative really seems to focus on the conversations W is having with other characters almost to the exclusion of how she’s actually feeling. The exception is when W is talking about her mom, where the emotion generally feels pretty solid. Otherwise it feels like we lose a lot of it during the conversations. I’m also interested in the flowers and the situation with N/all the related stuff, but I don’t quite know how to place them yet. Is this a contemporary world with hidden magic? Is magic rare but not unknown? Etc. I think having a bit more understanding about the boundaries of the world will better support the intrigue here as well as the potential bombshell at the end of Ch2.

You're both good to go. Any other takers for this week? Edit: We will also have a submission from new member Cathy Lim today.

As I read: “Pleasure-turned-murder weapon” missing word here, I think. Pleasure device? Or maybe something very bald, like “sex toy” would be funnier. P2 “…until a brother-in-law with a year of undergrad…” is it just me, or is this an unusually perspicacious brother-in-law? I’m still delighted that Normal, Illinois actually exists. P3 and much of this is on a small scale very funny, but I’m starting to get antsy. We’re spending a lot of time in D’s head here, and her self-reflection is getting a little repetitive. I love how the fact that the banana-coloured toy is painted is what’s “gross” here. P4 “…but had never managed to crest the mental hurdle” these really short asides are as funny or more than the longer paragraphs, IMO. She’s thinking something fairly matter-of-fact about her job and then bam. Mildly surprised that D starts asking and questions and taking notes before fees are discussed. Edit: Ah, she does get to this fairly quickly , a page or so later. P8 “D’s PhD Didn’t hold nearly as much weight…” LOL. But also, ouch. P10 “…the kind favoured by women post-childbirth…” Uh, wow. Today I learned. P11… “had lived and breathed wood identification for nine straight years” was briefly confused as she’s already made a point of noting that this particular toy isn’t made of wood. Can we maybe move up the “some tried and true ID techniques” up a little more? If whatever is on this toy is so strong, how was C able to grab it? So… I’m assuming the photo is a Chekhov’s gun? I half-expected D to recognize someone in it (even if just C). Overall: I’m enjoying it so far, and for some reason Y worked a lot better for me this time even though the character seems to have remained largely the same as in the last version. Mostly I think it took a little too long to get going in the first few pages. I still can't tell either.

No, I didn't get that this time. Probably a fairly easy fix, though! I remember someone getting arrested, I just wasn't certain how healing powers would have helped A change the outcome.

As I read: P2: Why is A under guard? Maybe not unreasonable but it seems strange that A hasn’t remarked on it before now, nor does he seem to feel particularly strongly about it. “…lift him up and off the balcony” – This seems like a good way for A to get himself hurt or killed if he goes for it. P4 “your gang spreads addiction throughout the city.” Maybe WRS, but did we know this? P5 “So what alternative would you suggest?” M is being surprisingly understanding considering that this was essentially the terms of its deal. P9 “we have a week at most before someone finds out” maybe just because of the skipped content, but this seems arbitrary. I wonder if there might be a more effective way of getting at the urgency, like emphasizing that this is a really unusual raid, or of greater scale, or other markers of escalation rather than throwing a time limit at it. “And you and C will go out and help…” this feels like stuff I should have known, but didn’t. Was it in the skipped chapter? P10 “he could have saved that child from being arrested…” by being a healer? Not sure I understand this. Overall: I had to delete some comments because I spent most of the second half of the chapter wondering if we should have skipped that meeting that was mentioned. I was actually starting to wonder if we should have seen that chapter instead of this one… and now, knowing that the other chapter was there, I’m still wondering if that’s the case. This chapter had a bit of a lull that felt at odds with the urgency of the situation… it felt like a rehash even though I hadn’t read the meeting chapter itself. Maybe a condensed version of the conversation A has with H before going off to get into trouble?

As I read: “…hunger was embarrassingly high up on the list.” Nice – a very human reaction here. Not sure we then need two more sentences about it, though. P4 “C felt a calming presence…” feels like there is a lot of telling rather than showing happening in this segment. I think there is plenty of room for the emotions here to be punched up. P9: “How does being in the jungle change…” I know the joke is supposed to be a stretch but it’s gone entirely over my head. C is asking … a lot fewer questions than I would be, I think. P10 “N, the older of Y’s surviving sisters…” we had an explainer of who N was in the last chapter, so I’m not sure we need another here. Would A and C normally be invited to a meeting like this? Or is this a result of A’s new status? Neither A nor C is reacting to the invitation, so can’t I tell. Overall: I’m enjoying the relationship between A and M so far, but I didn’t feel a very strong emotional connection to any of the events this chapter. It didn’t feel like the characters themselves were doing a lot of reacting to the fairly major things that are happening, which I think is why I felt a little disconnected from the action. I'll also echo the comments that I was a bit taken aback by the POV shift. Partly we're far enough in that I think if I was expecting one, I would have expected it sooner, and partly as Mandamon says I'm not fully sure we've yet justified the need for a second POV.

Fair enough, and generally a good instinct, but... is the appearance of Mel actually your inciting incident? Or is it the letter and subsequent raid that's the inciting incident, with the appearance of Mel and A's gaining of powers a complication in the later part of the story? To me, this actually feels more like the latter, which means if anything you can probably take more time to get there, building it up and having this power finally come to A (with proper foreshadowing of course) in a really dark moment. If you're set on having it as the inciting incident, then yeah, I'd be looking for ways to jump into the action and get there probably in the first chapter, but as presented I honestly don't think it has to be.

As I read: “And now, it was all burning.” I’m still coming back to the idea that I wanted more of an escalation up to this point. This seems like it would have taken a lot of people moving quickly to create, maybe more than a mob could accomplish in such a short time. P2 “A con who could multiply the energy…” this feels a little info-dumpy here even though it’s brief – it detracts from the urgency. Edit: Although I did appreciate the “In A’s experience…” line here! P3 “…easily sidestepping the blow.” The earlier sentences (“to hit his kidney” and “recovered”) made me think A had actually connected at first. P4 “..cold disks of metal.” So A’s opponent is heating the discs? Wouldn’t those have the same problem as any other heat/fire – they’d burn him too? Unless those are very thick gloves. P5 “his thoughts flowed languidly.” Not sure what is meant by this. It’s very telling that the characters don’t even think of killing the unconscious enemy, as opposed to even deciding not to, but maybe hang a lantern on it so it doesn’t seem like the narrative just forgot about him. P7: “She died anyway.” There’s something about this very bald statement that I find very effective. Nice. I know I keep harping on this (sorry), but can five people really wreak this much havoc? Maybe some more details on the scale of what was actually attacked/destroyed? P8 “They didn’t know that Wa was a [shapeshifter] community” Wait, really? I thought that was the whole reason for the attack. Edit: Ah, addressed in the next paragraph. Still, I’m still feeling a bit of confusion here – until the scale of the destruction was apparent, this was presented as a very routine raid that the characters had been through before. I didn’t get the sense that this was particularly out of the ordinary. So, I’m having trouble reconciling the info being presented here. P9 “…or it had been an inside job.” This seems a little understated for what is presumably a really big deal. P13: “Huh. Alright.” I find the thought of A sitting around casually conversing with something he thinks is a hallucination hilarious, but it’s a little incongruous, not quite the humour the story has gone for so far. Overall: So far so good. The pacing seems to be moving largely in the right direction, and this is a good escalation of the inciting incident. I commented on this a few times throughout but I am definitely struggling with scale as it relates to A’s gang/community and the attack. My biggest stumbling block though was the appearance of the power/creature that talks to A in the last few pages of the sub, which I felt like I haven’t been prepared for by the last few chapters. More specifically, I did feel that we were being geared up for A to do something major (aside from him being the protagonist, his feelings of powerlessness were effective here) but not for that thing to be furnished by an external source, which seems to pop up for the first time when it addresses A.

I can hardly wait.

Go ahead. Any other takers?

Yeah, I think that would be helpful! It could probably be a fairly small thing for now and expand to your already-planned lamp-shading in the later chapters. It felt like a small thing in this chapter but it was definitely something I noticed.

I like the idea of a gang of marginalized magic users, but—and this might be overly nitpicky—I’m getting “community organization” vibes from this, not at all gang vibes. P2 I don’t really understand what A has been asked to do. “Make sure they’re well situated” could mean anything. Is this a code word? An existing procedure? Or is it busywork? P3 “one would not desecrate that safety by…” Welp this terrible thing is 100% going to happen now. I’m also not really getting much of a sense of danger yet, at least not in the immediate sense. I seem to recall feeling that in the last chapter as well – that things are obviously going in a bad direction, but I don’t have the sense that they’re immediately going to blow up (even considering the notice that was posted last chapter). P4 “walking through” what? Some visual descriptors would be helpful. Is this a town? A neighbourhood? A single building? And the sick bay – has there been a recent incident resulting in a bunch of people needing it or is this just a standard hospital? What are the bandanas for? P5 “Everything is under control” Got a bit of a chuckle at this, as this seems like a surefire way to assure people that things are not under control. I’m almost wondering if we are supposed to see him as ineffective at this? If we are, maybe hang more of a lantern on it. P7 “It’s nothing…” is he really going to hide the fact that he thinks there might be a raid? If nothing else I would think R can see the preparations. P10 “he made a decision” we had another instance of this line or very close to it only two or three pages ago Overall: The pacing in the early part of the chapter felt stronger, though as you’ll see in my LBLs I had a lot of questions about various relatively small things. They don’t all need to be answered all at once but I think a stronger grounding in the setting would help. The biggest thing I was missing, I think, was a sense of mounting danger in the early bits – not that I was bored in the early bits, though I do think the tension can be upped even further, but I felt I wasn’t prepared for the escalation in the latter half of the chapter when things went so drastically wrong. Particularly when the building was suddenly burning – it felt almost like we had a try/fail cycle without the “try.” I wanted more of an opportunity to see the protagonist try to stop things before they actually went wrong.

Please do! As an aside, I'm hoping to start getting caught up on subs this week

Okidoke. I'll try to get something back to you by the end of January. I forget if you can share manuscripts directly here on Shard but feel free to DM for my email!

I'd like to, but I'm struggling just to keep up with regular subs at the moment (which I do plan on getting back to!) What's the timeline you're hoping for?