Silk

It's been a hot minute since I submitted anything, so probably not! Plus, I think the last couple times I submitted anything they were actually songs. lol. Romance tends to be a second draft thing for me anyway. Or third or fourth. Great comments, thanks!

And here I thought you'd be submitting TRR! Sounds good, though. I might sub a revised version of TBB, depending...

Note to self: the little voice in your head that tells you to back off is basically always wrong. Note to everyone else: do not take life advice from Silk. Check to all this. Thanks!

Welcome back! "...he would be one of the first to end up strapped to the tables" ... because he's a soldier? Presumably there are other, functioning labs? "...let a little of that rage out" is G enraged? Maybe hang a lantern on her containing her anger to make the next bit make a bit more sense. p2 "Don't remind me of what that person is." My impression--assuming that we're referring to A remembering her former life as a soldier--is that this is more common than A, at least, thinks it is, possibly even the norm, so with that lens G's reaction here stands out. "...an obligation to keep him alive." I thought we were talking about A here, but maybe not? Also, I'm working on a theory where gendered pronouns are connected to social position rather than assigned by appearance/self-identity/etc. p3 "...but it wasn't going to be letting him ramble today." Stumbled here. Maybe just "but it wasn't going to be today"? p4 "Yeah, you can go." Curious as to what the relationship between the two of them is. Is he basically a normal soldier who gets more leeway because he knows he's needed? Could possibly signpost a bit with reaction shots to lines like this. p5 I...hm. I'm not sure I feel like he actually answered the question. "Which left A with issues that she couldn't solve with brute force." What's her actual objective here now that she's won the battle against the deserters? I think "there should have been hell to pay, and there wasn't" can be a fine way to raise tension, but I think I need to see A doing something more concrete than "wait until I get yelled at by my boss" while we, uh, wait for her to get yelled at by her boss. Also, we're adding several new characters all at once, and it feels like a lot. Obviously, after the events of the last chapter they're all there, but can we maybe have one take primary focus so it doesn't feel like we're juggling a bunch of new people all at once on top of what was already a fairly large cast? p6 "This sounded like the 'flirting' thing..." I get the sentiment here, just the way it's phrased makes A seem exceptionally naive. Also, I still have no idea what B's deal is, but I assume that's the point. p8 "...that A could be in danger." From whom? Because A used her soldier abilities? Didn't everyone already know that? "That garbled voice" - A has been so unconcerned about this that I'd almost forgotten about it. p10 "The only reason Am was an exception was... because he was a clone" I mean, I'm assuming at this point that Am is not at all exceptional in this regard, but A doesn't seem to consider that possibility. "It was going to be a busy evening for her." I'm not totally sure I understand how the exchange between A and Am was resolved. p13 "And who can prove that?" Prove it to whom?I thought this was mostly about the emotional weight of working with people who were a. trying to kill you and b. acted like jerks about it afterward. p17 "looking at their stoic expressions, she realized that they did." Good insight here. "If I can't find some way to keep you safe from the ministry..." Hmm, not sure how I feel about this. It's good to have a concrete objective again, but this feels like a rinse-and-repeat in terms of the actual plot beats. I want to see the stakes change and start seeing connections to the larger story. (which it seems like we're going to get in the next chapter, so that's good at least!) I mostly agree with this. It does give A's passion about improving the treatment of the soldiers a little more urgency, since this is the most concrete evidence we've seen of that mistreatment and on the worst scale (though we have been getting a few hints so far). But I heartily second wanting more connection points between this and the primary narrative. I'd also second the comment that it's starting to feel like too many characters to keep track of, especially since several of the new ones aren't people I actually want to spend any time with. But I think my biggest overall comment, especially with this being the introduction to part II, is wanting that change in stakes. I really wanted a sense of "now what" moving forward into this next part of the story.

ooh, I know! Pick me! ...oh, all right. I'll take myself out of the running. Comments: I think all you changed with the introductory bit was a paragraph bit or two, but it worked. The introductory bit is much clearer now. I forgot to mention this in my first read, but... the hair cream. I'm supposed to be thinking of whales, right? Because I'm thinking of whales. Hmm. It's still a little ambiguous to me during Doctor T's introduction whether D knows M, knows him by reputation, or doesn't know him at all and is just humouring Dr T. p3 "Huh. Must have still been on." LOL. So I actually interpreted this as Tw still answering the comm for D "...due to my gigantic intellect." Picky, but "due to" as in "caused by" seems odd here. "Thanks to"? "He'd never seen M in person before." Ah, there we go. By reputation, then. p4 "'You will never defeat me,' M preened" hah. I love it. p5 "D ran his hand over the controls for the..." why is he just now playing with the controls if he already disabled the projector? I would assume from this that M had already bypassed the controls with his gigantic intellect. HAH. Thank you for that last line. These edits work well! The addition of the golf courses to Dr T's dialogue works well, but if anything I think there could be one more tiny reference in that conversation that hints at M becoming a more sympathetic character. Reference to some of M's people also disagreeing with golf courses, or being refugees (even without explanation), or something to that effect. I think it can (and probably should) be very small. Just that tiny bit more to get us ready for the change of sympathies at the end. That's all from me!

Have I mentioned before that you're a bad influence? I'll try to seed some of this earlier. Hm, yeah. I figured it would be obvious either way so decided to just ... let it be obvious. Do I need to obfuscate a little bit? Sooo my original conception for this story was to have the antagonist try to trigger an actual, rebirth-of-the-universe big bounce, then I let my own suspension of disbelief get in the way and backed off. So... literal end of the universe not too much after all?

* Okay, so I totally whiffed on the Dec 4 submission, mea culpa. This is why I originally meant to submit it first thing in the morning... too much going on the evenings! So yes, sorry for being a day late and a dollar short. Hopefully folks don't mind reading anyway. Here's my full space opera piece "The Big Bounce," targeting the same Dec 17 deadline Mandamon is - but somehow managing to be substantially less silly than Mandamon's story despite my best efforts. This is an early draft so anything and everything on the table as far as feedback goes. Tags for violence and language, but both are mild.

Augh, didn't quite get this off before leaving this morning. I'm going to have to submit after work tonight, but I'm still submitting!

I was wondering why you weren't subbing here, tbh, but I figured you knew what you were doing That puts us at three of five slots for Monday!

Please do! Depending on how my weekend goes, I might even claim a slot for myself... And congrats on the NaNo project!

Have fun!

“…to avoid being seen as a coward.” This caught me by surprise, I wouldn’t have expected P to put so much weight on appearances in this context. Unless that would have some other effect on him (like Z not being willing to work with him anymore?) P3 “P suspected he was in critical condition…” He suspects – but doesn’t know? I would think this would be extremely important information for him to have. I also think that it would be really helpful during this fight to have more emotional touchpoints—this might be a good moment for that. The action is clear but I don’t feel very grounded other than that people are trading blows. P4 “According to Z there was a place they could go long-term…” and is Z likely to just go along with this? P5 “Frozen in what had to be surprise, Z didn’t dodge….” Now I’m confused. Z initiated this attack, so why so surprised? Was he just not expecting P to respond at all? Come to think of it, we get some foreshadowing that he’s planning something, but unless this attack on P is the something that doesn’t seem to actually happen. “P was going to drown.” This is something I’m still confused about. Are they bobbing up to the surface or fully under the water? If the latter, why are people able to act almost at all after their armor has been shattered? Also, what’s stopping P from just re-summoning his armor? P6 “Kill the traitor.” Uh, you attacked him, bud. P7 “Why did that voice sound so familiar?” So… my original thought was that this was the princess for some reason. I see now that I was way off – maybe WRS, but has this name been introduced before? I initially assumed it was a new character. “The mysterious voice in her earpiece…” so it wasn’t just her earpiece but directly into her head, right? Also, I feel like we’re understanding the whole “mysterious voice” thing here. “Instead of reincarnating the same soldiers, they were…” “they” as in the ministry? I think this is the first indication we’ve had that the ministry s deliberately reincarnating—or “reincarnating,” I suppose—soldiers, rather than it being a thing that just happens. Can we get this set up sooner so that the twist (which I like!) isn’t a total surprise? In fact, I think having this really clearly set up in the early chapters could go a long way towards supporting the idea that soldiers are being mistreated, if it’s clear the ministry is making them the way they are, rather than this reincarnation being naturally occurring (my assumption up to this point). Practically speaking, I now have a ton of questions about how A ended up mysteriously appearing in the middle of nowhere if the ministry is responsible for “making” soldiers and ministers, but that’s not certainly not a flaw at this point. Overall: I had a way easier time with the second half or so of the chapter than the first because it offered many more emotional touchpoints – so it was more engaging and I felt generally less confused. As mentioned, I think the big reveal at the end of this chapter needs more setup early on. Right now it almost feels like you’re using big plot moments like this to reveal the worldbuilding info, and I wonder if it shouldn’t be the other way around – understanding more about the worldbuilding so that when these big plot moments happen, they are more grounded and pack more punch. All that being said, I want to echo @Mandamon that I thought this was a good end to part 1! It definitely felt like we got a lot accomplished, and I think once everything is fleshed out enough to ground us a little more the pacing will be really effective. And I'm fine to keep critiquing this draft. Really, it's whether it's still helpful for you that's the important bit

Sorry for the late reply! Yesterday was hectic. Please do.

I mean, I suppose. Any other takers?

As I read: “You know they have a minister on their side…” Wait. Did we, in fact, know that? “They” in this case is the deserters, right? P2 “The deserters could show up at any time, right?” But A was here for an extracurricular conversation with L, not manning the console or anything like that. Why the urgency here? (And again I have to wonder, who is monitoring for attacks when A is not on the clock?) p4 “Please… don’t worry about me.” Actually, I’ve been wondering: should we be worried about A? That is, is she in physical danger from this attack? P5 “You’re exhausting, L.” lol. “The mystery person was speaking directly into her mind.” Is… is this not a big deal? Because it seems like it should be a big deal. P6 “Scan the ocean if you do not believe me.” Maybe it’s because I don’t fully know how the tech works, but it seems to me that it’s being vastly underutilized. The addition of the mystery person (and possibly mystery abilities?) is a fun development, but shouldn’t the console be able to, I don’t know, set an alarm or something for this kind of situation? P10 “his eyes flashed open…” Wait, didn’t his helmet just explode? I guess contact with the ocean isn’t instantly fatal and he somehow avoided sucking in a lungful of air/psionic debris? “Is he the same person you knew?” Suspicious mystery voice aside, the implication here is a fun twist! I like where this is going, but is A close enough to plausibly intervene in this combat? Also, if she was especially effective as a soldier—which this chapter seems to be driving at—it might be worth setting that up in advance. I think there would be lots of opportunities for A to think wistfully back to her abilities as a soldier and wish she could train the team up to be that effective, etc. Might also help to drive home the inevitability of the decision she makes. P12 “You were hiding this the whole time?” Confused. A made a point of showing her soldier abilities to P some time ago. P13 “Z sighed.” A seems to get what she wants rather easily here. Given what happens below, maybe worth hanging a lantern on? Overall: My thoughts are pretty similar to @Mandamon's in terms of things needing more setup before we get to this point. Once that’s in place, I think the chapter itself will work great. Plot is progressing well and there are some fun twists in this chapter. My only question is around the mystery redacted person from B’s list in the last chapter; that thread seems to have been completely lost here.

As I read: “What exactly are you implying?” Since the healer seems to imply suggesting the summary execution of an injured soldier, I’m wondering, is this something A would expect? Or is this shocking even in the context of soldiers who are generally poorly treated? I think there’s room for more of a reaction shot here. I’d also be curious to get more of a reaction from the healer herself. Does she think A is an eccentric and is just humoring her because she’s so insistent (or because of her position, or whatever else) or is she also sympathetic to A’s cause? P3 “…by the time training ended” how much time has passed here? An afternoon? Overnight? “Aren’t the deserters supposed to attack before long?” wasn’t the timeline supposed to be secret? P5 “Execute me, like what she should do to you?” Because he… lost a fight? I guess this is somewhat explained in the paragraph below, given S’s belief that they’re now doomed, but the reaction still feels like a lot. Maybe that tension (or the standard procedure for dealing with wounded soldiers, if that is a factor here) just needs to be brought to the fore a little more. P7 “N didn’t look surprised.” I had entirely forgotten he was there. I suppose a page of other people talking about him like he isn’t there tracks with the way soldiers are treated, though. “...before Her Majesty’s time.” Is this referring to the queen, or to L? From conversation above it seems to be the latter, but how much sway does L have over these things? Isn’t she supposed to be quite young? P10 “I want to propose a deal to him.” Oh, interesting. Not at all what I thought, but probably a better solution than trying to persuade P back. I like it!” “...we fight nonlethally.” Less sure about that, though. Wouldn’t it make more sense to try and negotiate a ceasefire as opposed to a show fight? P11 “That’s what happens to us when we hit eight years…” Interesting. “...tearing out weeds in her mom’s garden.” Still struggling a bit with the setup of the island, whether the land the soldiers are defending is the same land where A’s mom lives, that kind of question. Partially I’m wondering about physical geography, but it’s also a question of stakes. Is it only the soldiers’ lives that are on the line if they fail to repel the deserters? (Which, to be clear, I think that can be enough!) or is A’s home, family, etc. also at risk here? P13 “It was easier… when I thought that the ministry was right.” I think this is the first time we’ve seen A note this as a shift in her thinking, rather than something she’s always believed. “...even ones who remember being soldiers…” this, plus the scene with M from the chapter before, make it seem like this is a much more common phenomenon than when it was first introduced. In the earliest chapters I had the impression that A was unique) or had reason to think she was) on this front. P14 “The deserters are attacking tomorrow.” A always seems to be the last person to get this intelligence. But also, this is more or less expected, yes? We already knew they were going to be attacking soon. Unless B is indicating here that they’re moving even more quickly than first thought. I found myself skimming a bit through the descriptions of the weapons etc. Partly I wondered how much difference this level of detail actually makes in terms of informing the fights—the roles of the various soldiers, etc. seem to be fairly uniform even if individuals manifest different weapons—but mostly I didn’t feel a lot of added tension from this section, because we’ve already been so convinced that A is outmatched/outgunned. This could be tightened up, maybe, but I think what would help most is something that adds a bit of progression – maybe there is something in there that makes A think she can win after all, maybe there is something that further develops the intrigue (how did B get this information? Why does the ministry have it and not share it? How valid is it? Etc). Overall: My thoughts are pretty similar to the others at this point, I think more concrete information about the story and setting is going to make the story much easier to follow, and if anything I think they will serve to make the main mysteries more compelling rather than less, since will have a better grounding from which to get invested in the actual storyline. I’d also agree with @Mandamon that I really don’t understand the relationship between A and her mother. Agreed. He certainly talks like a moustache-twirling villain (and I had the impression that this was performative, at least in part), but we as readers don't have the information to come to this conclusion and neither does A. I agree! stuff like this works well.

Ooh, yeah, I would echo this. Also curious about this! I'm sort of working from the theory that M and A knew each other in a previous life, they both have their memories, but A doesn't recognize the person M has become. But there must have also been a way for A to track P in the first place?

As I read: I wasn’t sure whether this was from A’s POV or P’s until the top of the second page. P3 “...he saw surprise leap onto A’s face, which faded to suspicion.” This seems… awfully thin as a foundation for the pretty significant actions that happen in the rest of the chapter – especially since the paragraphs just before this show P coming to a different decision, and seeming pretty secure in it, to boot. A few off-the-cuff thoughts for how to make the setup here seem more solid for what’s to come, as usual, take as much or as little (or none!) as works for you. More uncertainty from P/willingness to be pushed in one direction or another More setup of M as an antagonist who might reasonably be believed (by P or the reader) to sway A against P, and/or more detail in the scene that P can take the wrong way – he really seems to leap to a decision on almost nothing here. More emphasis on P’s fear of the ministry rather than A acting against him after his earlier attack on her. I think part of what I’m struggling with here is that it’s not clear why P acts the way he does: does he believe A is suspicious of him? Or M/the ministry? “P had lasted year after year…” Wait, how old is P? Soldiers don’t live long, right? And P isn’t the oldest of the group, it seems by a fair margin. P4: “She knows I tried to kill A.” this seems like a weird thing to announce, shouldn’t he have expected N to react badly to this? P6 “They’re planning to make their move in about a week.” Very glad to see this ticking clock; actually, I’ve been hoping to see something like this for a while. I’m also deeply curious as to where this kind of intelligence comes from in this world. P7 “...because I’m on your side.” Again, I feel like something a little more concrete in terms of earlier clues would help set this up here. I’m also not entirely sure what M means when she says “on your side:” is this in relation to the deserters? If so, is this meant to be a tacit acknowledgment that A has been set up to fail? P12 “If she hadn’t chased after her stupid past with him…” I’d still love to know more about what that actually is. Overall: Some good character work here. I’m intrigued about the interaction between M and A, and getting the strong impression that the two of them have some history that A doesn’t know about, like if she doesn’t recognize who M is now that M’s been reincarnated. Other than that, pretty much just reiterating what I noted at a few points in my LBLs – it feels like a lot of people coming to decisions or realizations based on assumptions or information that is fairly thin. I think shoring up a little more things that drive P’s decision (even if it’s based on incorrect assumptions) and a little more evidence of intrigue/undercover dealings/etc from M earlier on will help set up the events here.

Lofty Mountains is out today! Featuring stories by me, @kais, @Mandamon, @Robinski, and @shatteredsmooth (also Seanan McGuire!) among others. Plus art by @Snakenaps. For those in the US, Bookshop.org has free shipping today! or, you can always get it from Amazon.

Please do!

Sounds good! Yes, it was fun, we always have a good time. Three hours of play time makes for a long night though!

Sorry for the late response! Please go ahead. I blame my big band. We had a gig on Saturday and those leave me mostly dead for at least a couple days after

Sounds good. Any other takers?

“…knew it was the wrong choice.” Tactically, or emotionally? “He was supposed to make a break for it…” Even though he hadn’t managed to kill her? P2 A’s manner of speech here seems to have changed. Though from the line just below, maybe this is deliberate? P3 So… P’s rebellion is about the treatment of the soldiers? P4 “Who will beat you down even further…” But the soldiers don’t usually remember their previous lives, do they? Or would the ministry do this regardless? “Deep down, I don’t think I ever was.” Interesting. I wonder if there is a chance to plant a bit more of a seed on this sooner. Ditto “I’m not saying we’ll never revolt” – seems like a big shift in her thinking that hasn’t so far been signaled. P7-8 after P has stormed off. This conversation goes on for quite a while without A participating, or even seeming to be an active observer. P12 “…to tell her mom that she was going for a late stroll…” I still really need to understand how this base is laid out, physically Does A’s mom live on the base or…? P14 “She bet all soldiers had that same thought at least once.” Did A? Overall: I enjoyed this chapter in the main. I think the focus on P was helpful because it helped ground the chapter in one of A’s goals – to get P to stay – and helped keep the upcoming deserter conflict top of mind. I do wonder if a little more sense of escalation on that front would be helpful. Can there be a more overt ticking clock? More monsters coming out of the ocean as they try to prepare? Etc? I thought the emotion between A and P worked pretty well, there certainly is a touching moment at the end of the chapter. One thing I’m not quite clear on is what kind of relationship it’s supposed to be. Is it a romance? A maternal/mentoring relationship? A saviour narrative? (A makes a reference in the early chapters about wanting to save P, but this chapter made me realize that we still don’t know what constitutes success or how A would achieve that.) Is the relationship between her and P different than it was in their previous lives, and how does A feel about that? Keep up the good work!

I just caught onto the naming convention – the soldiers are all crystals or metals. P3 “A couldn’t give the full answer right now.” Maybe WRS, but I’m curious to know here why not? P4 “‘Simple physics,’ A lied.” Ah, good. Seeing these little moments of tension is really helpful in terms of reminding me about the mystery of A still having her memories, etc. P5 “C monster… heading straight for shore.” This made me realize I have no idea what the area they’re defending looks like. Are they defending the whole island? How big is the space they’re defending? Are there areas they defend and other areas they just let the monsters have? Etc. P6 “You should be able to take it alone…” I wonder how deadly these monsters really are, since the soldiers apparently barely knew how to work their stuff until A showed up a few days ago. P7 “Sometimes the best defense…” This is a pretty significant moment since it involves La actively disobeying A, which the soldiers have all been reluctant to do. Maybe a reaction from A? P8 “And only one is strange.” Interesting. Could we have a reaction when it first approaches instead of several lines later? “I’m going to fade away any day now.” This is also interesting. I’d assumed they generally die to violence. Also wondering about what happens when this does happen. Does it mean A is down to four soldiers or is the soldier immediately replaced? P10 “I’m going to show it to A.” L is kinda being a jerk. N is being extremely nice about having his boundaries trod on. P11 This is the first time I realized that the C is blocking the sun. Can we get that kind of detail sooner? Ideally much sooner? P12 “You have the time.” This feels almost like a dig. Not a problem, as long as that’s what you’re going for. P14 “A remembered her mother mentioning this ‘math’ to her…” I’m struggling with the way this culture seems to have lost track of very fundamental concepts despite being so technologically advanced. The fact that all of the soldiers can spout this kind of stuff off and have it be a complete surprise to A makes it an even weirder experience. P17 “I don’t see why not.” Isn’t “I want to do a thing so authorities can’t spy on me” kind of a big deal? Solid end to the scene with a feeling of creeping tension. Is there a way to build this sense up more in the earlier scenes and chapters? P18 “You’re trying to get me killed.” Didn’t P specifically tell the other one not to kill her? Overall: Aside from the end, my thoughts on this submission are very similar to last time around: The “getting to know you” scenes work, but still feel mostly like they’re lacking stakes and connection to the overall narrative. The pursuit of the monster in L’s scene helped, but still doesn’t feel that connected to any of A’s larger goals or concerns. The “canned” feeling of the soldiers’ areas of interests was even more noticeable here since they all feel so similar… but in a way, it feels deliberate, since it all comes back to the princess putting thoughts in people’s heads. I wonder, assuming she has a specific aim in mind (I’m totally assuming she has specific goals in mind), is there a way to hang a bigger lantern on it and maybe hint at what those goals might be? I didn’t feel quite prepared for what happened at the end of the chapter. I think part of that is just confusion around P’s stated aims, but he also takes some pretty drastic action, and A has been so competent so far that her losing an encounter to the people she’s been training is a bit hard to swallow. I think if it’s going to end this way we need more preparation and tension throughout. So it becomes surprising yet inevitable, instead of just surprising Certainly interested to see where things go from here!