Silk

As I read: bottom of p1: Not sure if this just a failure of memory on my part, but I cannot at all recall what or who “Little Chr-” was. Was it mentioned in the last chapter? P2 “But that workload…” Stumbled on this. I think “that” doesn’t actually have an antecedent in the previous sentence. P3 “Anything that far out of scope…” out of date? Because it’s not really a question of scope right now, is it? “Though with D already sounding annoyed…” Suggest removing “though” “They weren’t actually windows either…” Okay, yes, good. “It saved on temperature regulation and risk management…” not sure “saved” is the right word in the context of risk management? P4 “with much more melanin” I really like this as a solution for coding skin colour without relying on ancestry that wouldn’t make a lot of sense to people who have been on a ship this long. “...that sounded like a locker designation.” Hah! P5 “Fighting all the aliens, I assume…” I am cackling gleefully while reading this. P6 “We’re both still young…” I had been wondering about this. Any chance of sneaking a reference to their ages in somewhere before now? Oooh, the conversation about kids is good tension. Very well done. I do wonder if there’s a chance to be (briefly; I don’t think you need much!) a little more overt about A’s thoughts on having children. I can really feel her reluctance, which is fantastic, but I’m curious to understand a bit better whether she’s reluctant because of the upcoming landing, or reluctant in general. I’m kind of guessing the former because of the way the landing is overshadowing the discussion about kids in her mind (which I also like). P7 “We’ll have a new life together…” Oh no. Oh buddy. “J hated toilet duty.” Look I just want to say that making everybody hungry in the last scene, and then following all of this up with “J’s job was even worse than usual” (not to mention the next couple of paragraphs!) is basically an act of war. How dare you, sir. I… I just want to give J (and D) a hug. “On TE, which was increasingly referred to…” I think signposting how much time has passed since people started waking up might be helpful? This suggests it’s been a little while, but other than that, I don’t really have a frame of reference. “Plants were being transported…” Again I wonder how much information they already have on this planet, and how quickly they’re planning on landing. The preparations named in this paragraph suggest pretty darned quickly, which is, um, potentially a not-great idea. (And I’m not just saying this because I’ve read “Down Among the Mushrooms.”) It’s good that they have drones down there, but I’d expect they’d send some smaller ships ahead, maybe hang out in low earth orbit for a bit, send a few small ground teams, etc. to start. This sounds like something very close to an all-or-nothing approach where they’re just going to land and damn the consequences, so it’s worth either clarifying that they’re being smarter than that, or hanging a lantern on the fact that they’re doing it anyway. P9 Do I have the right idea when I think of “E-Vs” as e-cigarettes? Because that’s definitely what I’m thinking of. Hm, it’s kind of interesting that F immediately thinks the Vs are “high up.” I would have assumed that the Vs have their own command chain, outside of the civilian one, unless this ship is more military than has been indicated so far. P10 “This was not the last time he’d have to…” YOU DON’T SAY. (Seriously though, this was great.) p11 “and J told about…” should be “J told them about”, I think? Also wondering if J’s line should be part of the previous paragraph. I wasn’t immediately sure who was speaking. “I don’t appreciate them butting into my area…” not sure which group F is referring to with “them”, it could be either. Well this scene has definitely convinced me that Admin is pretty incompetent. Like… REALLY incompetent. Have they been totally hands-off this whole time? P12 “It’s all from a noninvasive probe.” And they’ve already decided to land? I’m screaming. HOW ARE THEY THIS BAD AT THEIR JOBS. I am facepalming on behalf of your protagonists at the mailing list thing. Classic. Actually, I wonder if there’s a chance to move that scene up, or maybe better for the emotional arc of the chapter, have a similar snafu happen earlier? Something to give us a little more context for the fact that, no really, Admin is bad at their jobs. That’s easily the thing I’m having the hardest time with right now. The mailing list or something similarly concrete will drive the point home a little more than the staff being bombarded with requests for stuff, which though annoying is surely part and parcel of landing on a planet for the first time. The vaping thing helps a bit, but I had figured it was foreshadowing an upcoming subplot with the Vs, so it didn’t register in the same way that this mailing list scene does. Oh, J, that wasn’t very bright. P15: Missing the s on the end of H’s name. Overall: I really don’t have much to add that wasn’t in my LBLs; I’m really enjoying this. The biggest stumbling block for me – the only one really, was the incompetence of the folks in charge, and I think that just needs to be telegraphed more clearly a little sooner than it is so we know they’re SUPPOSED to be bad at their jobs. Well done! I also assumed this was a comment about gender dysphoria, for what it's worth. Interesting. I really didn't have any trouble with this at all (though may have if it had gone on much longer). For me, it served the purpose of confirming the landing that I wanted from the first chapter (though I see, structurally, why it's a new chapter certainly). I didn't have a problem with the violence, thought that this was more about showing a bit of J's character, but I was also a bit confused by her dialogue there. Space sheep!!

These edits work a lot better, I think! I mean of COURSE there is. But seriously, in that case I think you're good. You just need to hang enough of a lantern to get us into suspension-of-disbelief land, which you've done.

You got it! Probably fine (gotta start hedging again now that things are getting busier!), poke me next week if I forget.

As I read: A bit startled to find us with S and D. I thought we were going to go straight to the person S is supposed to be questioning, since an insurrection seems urgent and that string of events has had a decent amount of screen time over the last two chapters. p1 “watching as she poured over…” should be “pored” “...besides royal privilege.” lol. Also not sure who is looking up at the ceiling full of gemstones, D or S. When she asks about the refugees, I think this is the first hint we’ve had as to her actual purpose or connection with S’s goals (unless there’s something I’ve forgotten). But I thought she was doing historical research so I’m not quite sure what she’s looking for that would help with current events? P2 Does D know that Z has rebel sympathies? Why is she assigning tasks to a princess? S’s “be my guest comment” made me chuckle, though – sounds about right. P3 “That’s the basics of what I have.” I still don’t really understand the significance of what D is trying to do, and the information she had didn’t seem to amount to much. Confused. P4 “S noticed his shoulders relax…” Hm. “Felt” instead of “noticed” maybe? “After turning his mind slippery…” I don’t understand what this means. Was slightly confused by S saying he could touch the gate, only to then touch the gate. I guess he means he can’t kneel on it because it opens when he touches it? P5 “It only stays open for about fifteen seconds…” He’s not acting with the urgency that this suggests he should be. Shouldn’t he be telling her to hurry up and he’ll explain when she’s safely in? Or better yet, he could have explained it before he opened it. This section is starting to drag – it’s taking a long time to get to where I assume the action will be, the interrogation, and a lot of the stuff leading up to that seems to mostly exist to establish some worldbuilding. Maybe it’s because I’m not clear on what her actual role is aside from “scholar,” which is an entirely nebulous concept so far, but D almost seems to be a parody of a researcher, getting distracted by whatever shiny thing is in front of her in order to facilitate some of the worldbuilding info in these pages. P8 “Did J tell you where she is in this cavern?” Is there not a dedicated section of this place for prisons/holding cells/what have you? If there is, does S not know where it is? He certainly doesn’t seem to. P9 Wait… how did they smash her crystal if it’s embedded into her hand? Wouldn’t that require breaking her hand? “It’s still strange to me that the purple crystals…” This dialogue feels very “as you know, Bob” Telling her he doesn’t have the ability to get her out of there seems like a poor negotiating tactic, but maybe he has a plan? P10 “How did M know who S was betrothed to?” I think this is the first time we’ve gotten this information. If it’s meant to be a reveal, I’d like to see it played up more, through S’s reactions/emotions. If it’s supposed to be a secret you’ve got ample reason to make more of it here. P12 I’m not sure what precipitated M’s sudden switch from mocking S and being low-key arrogant to deciding to give him information after all. Aside from wanting a little more clarity on that, I’d also like to feel like S, as our protagonist, did something to facilitate the change – but as things stand, I’m not sure that’s the case. Another thing that’s changed is the conversation has suddenly shifted to feel like it’s between two people who have an existing relationship with one another. Up until about that same point on p12 it had sounded like a conversation between two strangers. P13 “...after we get this whole RA business tied up.” Uhh, how well known is this? Because it feels like D could have just given away something pretty significant. P14 “That was the first time she addressed him by name…” No it wasn’t. She did that at the top of p12. Overall: After reading this chapter, I find that more than anything I’m confused. I don’t understand whether M thinks D is an assassin or not, or why it this possibility is significant other than in an “assassins are bad” sort of way (S barley even asked questions about this assassin!) I also don’t really understand what S went in here attending to accomplish, or what if anything the conversation actually accomplished. I think the chapter needs a clearer focus and purpose that readers can latch onto. Aside from the clarity, the thing that I really wanted from this chapter was tension. I think the front half needs to be trimmed so that we get to the interrogation quicker, and the emotions and tension of the interrogation itself need to be punched way up. Understanding what he wants to get out of the interrogation will help. But it’s also – at first she resists him, which helped build the tension a bit, but he didn’t really seem to mind, so it didn’t hit the point of feeling really significant. Then, she seemed to decide that she wanted to cooperate with him after all, but I couldn’t connect the why of that back to S’s actions, so it didn’t really feel like him overcoming an obstacle. TLDR: I think we need the interrogation dialed up to like 13, emotions-wise. 1. there certainly were points in the interrogation scene where I was engaged, though as I said I think it needs to be punched up. The collegial relationship between M and S in the latter half of it is interesting and I think it could work, it just needs to feel like it comes from somewhere. 2. In general, I think S having a specific idea of what he wants to get out of this conversation would be helpful and then we have a very clear idea of whether he fails or succeeds. The assassin business, which I mentioned a bit ago, was confusing. 3. I quite like S, though I think that's partially holdover from the first chapter where the narrative voice felt more confident. I think we also got more emotion from him in the first chapter than we do in this one. D I'm unsure about. She brings a certain energy to the narrative that I enjoy, but has very quickly started to feel a little one-note. M I'm also unsure about. I was more interested in her when she had a real conversation with S rather than being a stereotypical defiant rebel. 4. Yes, it does feel disconnected, and right now the rebellion/insurrection thing seems much more important than whatever work D is doing on the refugees. I think most of my problems with D boil down to the fact that I really don't understand what her role is or what S intends her to do. Mostly she seems to be really good at reading books, and some of those books have to do with refugees and some of them have to do with the RA, but I don't have a good grasp on to what end she's doing these things.

We get new and amateur writers in all the time; it's an open door over here. If you're on the fence, you can always take a look through some of critique threads on the boards and see if it seems like the feedback that other people are getting is the kind of thing you're looking for. Or you can just join and try it out! If you decide it's not a fit for you after a few rounds, we certainly won't be offended. Edit: In the name of thoroughness, I should note that you won't necessarily get to submit the first week you join.

So we have @shatteredsmooth, @Mandamon (no complaints re being a little over from me), @kais so far for Monday. Am I missing anyone?

I am so unreasonably excited to read this. As I read: I’m already chortling at “internal domestic interference.” Aand right there in the first line, awesome. I have so many questions. How does she advertise? What was her first case in this, um, niche, and how did it make her well-known enough to keep doing it? Does she ever take non-dildo-related cases, or does it always end in disaster when she tries? Who is the right person to open a filing cabinet full of dildos? No, but actually why does it matter if somebody finds them in a filing cabinet vs. a display cabinet? I just figured they wouldn’t fit in the filing cabinet. Or at least, you’d be having a lot of embarrassing conversations when you absently stuck a hand in to grab your tax returns and got an immaculate padauk sex toy instead. P2 “D only got called when the wood was of a more delicate nature, or…” I think ‘delicate nature’ gets the point across well enough. We’ve already seen the word ‘dildo’ more on the first page than we will in some entire books. “Half the time the client already suspected the cause…” Really? Is this common? It might be worth addressing, early on, who exactly is making all these dildos that actively kill people, because that seems like a thing that wouldn’t be common enough for someone to make an entire career out of. In any other series, there’d be ONE dildo, and it would be THAT case. Maybe D has strong opinions that dildos should be subject to FDA approvals. (I googled this. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE.) “...bold faced lies during family dinners… and the best D could provide” Maybe make “The best D could provide” a new sentence? Feels snappier. Ah, so you do hang a lantern on the, um, niche nature of D’s specialty. Glad to see this. “There just weren’t enough people committing sex-toy based crimes.” First of all, since I already quoted the sentence, gonna be super picky and point out that the hyphen should actually go after toy here, or maybe after both words if you prefer that stylistically. But also that sentence is hilarious on basically every level. “Talking to herself was also…” Doesn’t seem to be much connection between this and the next sentence when she is back on her “evidence” cabinet. Maybe a new paragraph after this sentence? P3 “She had never crested the mental hurdle of drilling into…” I am not going to survive this book. “We only deal in firm here.” I am DEFINITELY not going to survive this book. I’m entertained by D’s barrage of words before the stranger can get a word in edgewise (kinda reminds me of Anna!) but it seems a bit weird that we get the whole spiel in before we even get a single comment about what this person looks like. P4 So is, uh, RR from an open case? I’d thought it was a case that she’d just wrapped up and that the woman who’d just walked in would be a new case, but now it sounds like D’s already got a case she’s working on, if she’s thinking about how likely it would be for the killer to retain her services. Moving up the fact that D lives in Normal Illinois might be worth moving up. It threw me here and I think I only understood what was mentioned because you’d already told me about the setting (though maybe this is just a not-from-the-US-problem?) but it’s also just so perfect that it’s worth mentioning sooner. “The orange chair was far, far more comfortable.” Hah. P5 “pale enough that a faint flush shown” should be “showed” People race with open liquor in their hands? P6 “...a cabinet full of dildos qualified as discrete” should be “discreet” “There was always a neatly folded piece of paper…” LOL “favoured by women post-childbirth…” I … I’m learning so many things. P9: wobble wobble wobble (no, this comment does not mean anything.) Well, Y seems like bad news. Or at least very annoying news. P14: “Let’s go.” Wait, is she letting Y come with her? WHY? Or… maybe she’s not, because Y is still trying to persuade her? Somewhat confused. Actually, if they lived together for several months and D had seen Y as recently as last week, shouldn’t she have recognized Y’s voice? I did not at first get any impression that Y knew D at all, from her original dialogue. Overall: So I enjoyed this! I was going to say that I did find the pacing of the opening pages (before C shows up) a bit off, but I’ve been thinking about it as I read the rest of the chapter and I think what’s actually missing is a few more concrete details about the case that she’s just closed off. There’s a lot of interiority and generalities about her career, but we have nothing really specific to hang onto hang onto. I think even one zany detail about the case that she’s just closed (?) would go a really long way as a hook. I’m also not clear that said case is actually closed? She seemed to think she might find a killer when C came into her office yet, but then C handed her a new case. Not sure if she is running simultaneous cases here (which would honestly make sense, but is probably bucking genre convention a bit) or if the other case is in fact closed, but worth clarifying. I don't have a very good read right now on what Y and D's relationship is, except that D is very clear that they are not and have never been dating. My main question about Y right now is wondering why D tolerates her as she seems to. Inciting incident: It's pretty clear what the inciting incident is, D taking the case from C. I do feel like a greater sense of urgency from C would be helpful. When I was reading through the dialogue between C and D, my biggest thought was that it didn't seem like C was giving D very much to go on. D suggests herself that it might be, um, a hygiene issue rather than a murder (?) attempt, C can't name a possible motive for H, and we don't have enough sense of H and the sister's relationship other than that to get a feel that the sister is in danger from H. Even if she was, she's currently in the hospital and is maybe in medical danger, but is away from any kind of danger that H poses, if indeed he does - meaning she seems to be away from any danger that D can actually help solve. I guess I just wanted to feel like there was stronger reasoning for her to come to D in the first place. We need to add this to our Tshirt roster immediately MY question about this (assuming I'm correct in thinking that the thing she took was a dildo) is how she pulled this off. Did she sneak into the house while they were out? Manufacture an excuse for them to leave the room and quickly raid the cabinet? Torn between agreeing this is a terrible idea and thinking that it if it were going to kill her it probably would have already. yeah, I was a bit baffled that she just stayed leaning against the wall this entire time. Outside would probably have been a good idea... Also wondered about this. I am definitely going into this with the assumption that the client is more than she seems. I think you are going to have do a bit more legwork to get over her, ahem, mildly ludicrous choice of careers. You've already set up that she's having trouble paying the bills due to lack of work, which I think is needed. I wonder if adding a detail in there about how once she established a niche for herself she was stuck there because you don't go to the PI specializing in dildos if you can go to anybody else. Or whatever. And I do think having a better sense that she likes her work, or whatever it is that keeps her doing it other than the money* since it obviously isn't the money, in the first chapter would also help. * Oh man. There are SO MANY "well, it's better than academia jokes" that could be made here. I'm just saying.

Figured as much, and really, this is one of those things that is just easier to get away with in a finished book than a draft, just by virtue of not being a draft. Might be a reason to keep them snappy where you can though, as it will definitely give some people an itchy red pen. I'll see myself out, before anyone can arrest me for what I just did to that metaphor.

P5 “At least theoretically possible for humans to inhabit it…” Based on what, I wonder? How complete is their information? Not sure what the connection is between the nightmares and the mis-named planet. Feel like I’m missing something here. P6 “strict” seems like an odd word choice in relation to a nod. Stern? Severe? Interesting character twist, that he’s not interested in a habitable world. “Other Gs had petitioned to stay in the past…” Stay in the star system? I’m trying to decide how I feel about this whole paragraph at the bottom of page 6. It’s a lot of information, and it’s probably good information, but it feels like the first few pages have been, well, pretty info-heavy. P7 … “due to his stargazing” just flagging close repetition of “due to” in this and the next sentence p8 “this was very alien to…” ‘alien’ here seems almost like putting too fine a point on it, though I’m having a hard time articulating why. I think because it reads as a value judgment rather than detached observation. I’m intrigued by the interlude here, but I’m struggling a bit with the passive voice – which I hesitate to say because I don’t have a better solution – but it’s unusual enough to see sustained passive-voice passages like this that there’s a part of my brain that keeps wanting to “correct” it. P9 “the big V person’s coordination…” Awkward phrasing. maybe just “the big V’s coordination” ? Oh, so the gravity well thing is some kind of past trauma I guess? That makes the original mention of the nightmares make more sense. And, hang on. Did we skip the actual discovery/confirmation of this planet being habitable? Or did they already know about the flora? Administrator B. is J, yes? Maybe introduce J by first and last name before her surname is dropped. It took a split second to track and booted me out of the narrative. P13 “...and drift would only get more extreme.” Good to see this sense of urgency coming through. Overall: So! I’ve enjoyed this. I think it’s worth saying right off the bat that some science fiction books, especially hard SF, are less accessible than others, and this definitely feels like one that is a less accessible. Which I don’t think is a bad thing, by the way, but it definitely feels like a book for a very specific audience. My last comment from the LBLs was about the urgency, and I would like to see a little more of that earlier on. I don’t think you need to change the speed at which things happen (though I’m not expecting, say, a highly adventure-oriented narrative at this point; I’m expecting politics and survival), but stronger emotions might help pull us in. I sympathize with Al’s desire for routine, for example, but in his first POV scene the possibility of the planet being inhabitable as presented as a distant possibility. Even in the second POV we don’t get much more commentary from him than “and now it was happening.” I think it would also help to understand a little better the parameters they use for determining whether a planet is habitable and see them discovering, to some degree, that more and more of the benchmarks they’re looking for are present (or whatever). Feeling a little more concretely that progression from “yeah, this planet is maybe inhabitable” to “this actually looks fairly promising” would help increase the urgency and carry us through to the actual inciting incident at the end of the chapter. Might be partially an audience thing? I didn't stumble on it, but maybe I read a bit more hard SF than others? I definitely think that if you can move the emotional touchstones up a bit, that would be a big help. Didn't really bother me. If it were only narrative decoration, I might skip it, but in a setting and story like this I think it makes sense. It's one of the little details that helps drive home the culture difference between J and people like Al, whose only use for terms like "day/night/etc" would be if they were culturally enforced by ship life some how. Which could pretty plausibly be the case, but also, this kind of precise timekeeping is probably actually necessary on a generation ship. I almost commented on this and decided not to, because it does hit that "cinematic feeling" button nicely, it was a great description of what was happening, and it did set my expectations pretty well for what was to come. You could probably trim it a little.

I'm only skimming the others' comments, but the slang (and the particular line kais quoted) was a bit jarring for me to. For me, it was only partially the modern tone - it also really aged Z down in my mind.

P2 “For a moment, Z was convinced that M’s plan veered off into a mirage.” Not sure what is meant here. “This was not the reaction I expected.” Me neither, D. I have no idea what Z is actually worried about then. If nothing else, wouldn’t she be worried for her own skin? Since we don’t know anything else about these characters, how competent they are or what their aims are, Z’s belief that everything will be just fine without, as far as I can tell, anything to back it up is coming across as quite naive. P3 “What if your optimism as wrong?” This doesn’t seem like a particularly out-of-line question. “...asking if any of the princes wanted to challenge J for rulership…” Wait – the narrative has referenced a few times a brother who got themselves killed… but this discussion implies that that happened today (since it all seems to be connected to J’s ascension). I had zero indication that it was that recent – I had been operating under the assumption that it was years ago, based on the fairly muted emotional reactions of the POV characters describing it. I’m struggling with Z being so willing to just accept that her girlfriend has been captured. Part of it that naivete, but it also makes her fairly passive. Right now, I really want a character who is going to leap into action. I feel even more strongly about this by the end of the scene, when it seems that, despite her girlfriend getting captured, nothing has really changed for her. Z and S also strike me right now as being very similar characters – young and eager to prove themselves but maybe not quite acclimated to the way the world actually works. I’m hopeful we’ll get a bit more that differentiates them in terms of personality and arc fairly soon. P5 I like the detail of the reed pen! So… her paramilitary organization is leaving and she’s hanging around sketching flowers? P6 “This is where her J was keeping…” Should either be “this is where her brother” or “this is where J,” I think “D could speak X, but Z knew that most Ss couldn’t” and also D isn’t here, unless I’ve missed something. “Most of them looked too weary to care about her” seems to be contradicted by the fact that they’re staring at her “...that could be what pushed him to fight an impossible duel.” Is the fact that the RA happened to appear the only thing making Z and S draw a connection between the RA and N’s death? Because that seems like a very thin thread of evidence if so. “...he did a [redacted so the forum doesn’t yell at me] job of making it count.” lol. At this point, I am really quite anxious for Z to do something. She wants to find out more about her dead brother, fine, but I really, really want her to action that somehow. So… the RA is a person? I was expecting something much more eldritch and unknowable (but Z doesn’t seem surprised). Why do they appear in the street and goad Z into starting a duel? I do like that our female protagonist is bigger and stronger than her opponent! Are other people watching this duel in the street? She’s still in the middle of the marketplace, yes? P14 “I have my own reasons for wanting to observe S…” And Z doesn’t even seem to react. She cannot possibly be this naive. Overall: I had a harder time with this chapter than the last one, but my comments are similar: I think we need a clearer sense of purpose and stakes. Z is apparently driven enough to a join a rebellion that’s acting directly against her family, but I have no idea why. The fact that she’s signed on with a paramilitary organization doesn’t really seem to have registered for her. And beyond defeating the ruler, I have no idea what the goals of this rebellion are either – do they want to replace it with a different structure? Are they just out for blood? Etc? We’re about halfway through the chapter before we find out what seems to be motivating Z, the death of her brother, but I’m struggling with the way the characters are making it out to be a mystery when he died in a duel. I think that if the text is more up front about what the RA does and why S and Z are so convinced that drove N to his death, that might help us feel like Z has more direction here – but we also just need to understand Z’s stake in this whole thing a lot sooner. I’m also really struggling with the lack of information we’re getting just in a general sense. I think you can be much more clear and direct about what the characters are up to and why those things matter than you have been – we just don’t have the information to read between the lines the way the story seems to expect us to right now. Finally: I really want the characters to start doing things. Z is very reactive in this chapter, which contributes to the character herself feeling aimless. I really want to not only understand her goal, but to see her act on it, not just react to things as they’re thrown at her. I think I've mostly answered your questions in the critique (I really have to start looking at those before I read ) but I absolutely agree. I think I've harped on the clear goals/reasons enough, but for Z, it might be interesting to really dig into what drove her to rebellion, to really understand how far she's willing to go, (right now it mostly reads like a fun lark?), and to get some foreshadowing on the extent to which she might be tested on that. Something that sets her apart from the "rebellious princess going through a phase" trope.

Good to go @Ace of Hearts . One more slot left if anyone wants it!

Definitely agree with @Mandamon - if you're writing without an outline, the time to figure out pacing is really the second draft. It's much easier to see what needs to be trimmed, expanded, slowed down, sped up, when you've got the whole story in front of you. And it probably will be a mess, but honestly - there's no real reason to get it "right" the first time! I have had some success with just mapping out the emotional beats I want to hit in a given story, not focusing on plot or details. But even that takes practice over a few stories or books, and it's certainly not foolproof. But honestly, if you're committed to pantsing, really the the best thing to do is just not worry about it until the second draft. (You don't have to be committed to pantsing, though! I pansted my halfway through my first novel, got annoyed with pantsing, wrote a detailed outline to about the 80 or 90% mark, got bored with the outline, went back to pantsing. The book was a mess, but it was a mess with an ending.)

Three submitters so far: @C_Vallion, @Mandamon, and @kais (sorry, Shard is doing the thing where it won't let me tag you) for Monday so far.

P1 “The empathic fear… slithered back a few centimeters.” I’m not sure whether to interpret this as the guard becoming more or less fearful. Also, describing an emotion with such physicality seems odd. “Though S did know…” You have two clauses in this sentence that both start with “though.” Also, I’m pretty sure “sploting” isn’t a word, and have spent far too much time trying to decide whether I mind. I also had a hard time following his explanation on skin colour here. I think part of the problem is that I actually have no idea, other than these descriptions, what people actually look like, even whether they’re human/humanoid or not (the “calico” description threw me). P2 “Why should the guard care even if he did feel like a girl?” Yeah, I’m uncertain what S is trying to get of this conversation with the guard other than “do I look like the ruler’s brother” or why sex and gender is featuring so prominently in the conversation if all S really needs to figure out is “did my royal eye markings go away.” I’m struggling a bit with the contrast between an explicitly intersex lead and a culture that seems to have a very strongly enforced gender binary, especially without a clear understanding of where the POV character feels he fits in this. Also, D’s “born in the wrong body” line seems more germane to experiencing gender dysphoria than it does to being intersex (I’m sure they sometimes coincide, but they’re separate things). P3: “D’s eyes light up” should be “lit” So… what was D doing here to begin with? I don’t have a good grasp of where S is or why these specific people are with him. “S knew guards well enough to enter a meditative state…” I get the intent here, but the sentence is confusing. Consider simplifying, ie “S braced himself for the spike of panic that he knew was coming.” P5 “S went over to a fruit vendor who didn’t send fear through his empathic link…” Sounds like the fear is or is not being sent deliberately at S, but I think it’s about S approaching someone who doesn’t seem fearful of him? “He sensed a spike of fear behind him.” That’s the second time the phrase “spike of fear” has been used. P6 “Returned the core to the merchant” why is he giving a merchant his garbage? “Following his father through H as a child gave S…” seems like he is going to a particular street, but then this is contradicted by the next couple of sentences. I stumbled here. Also, “gave him enough familiarity” should really be “had given” here. So S is passing as female? I thought he was visibly intersex. “It was a cover story his father had come up with,” fair enough, but if S is on an official mission why doesn’t he just say that to the guard? In the first few pages it’s presented as S going out of his own accord, even if (he thinks) he has a good reason for doing so. Hmm… This market segment is starting to drag. I don’t have a clear idea of what S wants to discover or why, and he doesn’t seem to be hitting on anything that surprises him or changes his actions in any way. P7: I’m still confused as to how this skin colour inheritance works. It seems to be tied to both race and sex but I don’t understand how. “The people he talked to criticized his father…” wait, is his father the ruler, or his older brother? “By the time S reached the southern market, he was ready to give up.” Still not sure what he’s trying to accomplish here. I think we need some clearer stakes and a chance to really feel the tension in whatever S is trying to accomplish – which summary really doesn’t do. Consider picking an incident in the market that is emblematic of what he’s trying to do and the problems he’ll face, and reducing the summary to a sentence or two. P10 “Finally, a lead!” This is the first indication we’ve had of what he’s actually looking for. I’d rather establish this up front and then have him fail (or not!) to find it. Right now, it feels like he’s wandering aimlessly, because we don't understand his purpose. “...and when he did, it was time to look into the history…” Why didn’t he do that before going out into the city? More generally, I’m baffled by S’s approach here. If was what he was looking for, why didn't he just ask? Especially for an opening chapter, I’d prefer to see the protagonist take a direct approach. And if he can’t, for some reason, I want to see that, and to understand why. P12 “...as telepath psions” Is this different than empathic psions? If yes, I missed it on first read. If not, this is repeat information. p13 “S was amazed at how Y managed to keep his face neutral with relief in his empath link” the subject of this sentence switches from Y (keeping his face neutral) to S (who’s experiencing emotions through his link). “keeping them out of the public eye” I’m not sure what this means in this context. “One of the insurgents broke in…” Uhhh this seems like a big deal. Maybe lead with that? And surely this disruption would be reflected in the setting somehow! I’d like to see S getting home from his mission feeling SOMETHING about what he did or didn’t accomplish… and then getting home and finding something is clearly wrong. P15 “Better S than one of the palace interrogators” sure, but why does S think he’d be doing this instead of one of the inquisitors rather than in addition to? His brother clearly doesn’t trust him. I’d also like to see S and J’s feelings about their sister’s involvement (or presumed involvement) punched up here. ESPECIALLY if Z is as involved with the revolutionaries as the later pages suggest (rather than just dating one of them). “Go ahead and practice closing your heart… I don’t imagine that this will be a problem for you.” I originally interpreted this as J saying “I don’t imagine closing your heart” will be a problem which was confusing because he’d said the opposite above. It took several reads to realize he meant leaving the person in one piece wouldn’t be a problem. Maybe reorder these sentences for clarity. And I’m confused as to why J agrees to this. I get that S is manipulating J by letting him read his emotions, but it seems to me that that manipulation would be fairly transparent, even without the apparently visible hand gestures. “Why did he show up on the day of J’s ascenion to holy ruler..” This is the first indication we’ve had of this. Again, I feel like this would be a pretty big deal. Overall: I’m interested in the setting, I’m enjoying S’s POV so far and I find the line-by-line writing pretty engaging (though there is definitely some room for tightening up). I think this chapter needs clear stakes and focus. There are several threads that significant screen time, but there's no dominant concern. I think one of them needs to be the focus of the chapter with the other two being mentioned, set up for later, but in the background. And we definitely need a clear sense of the protagonist’s goals and and why they’re important. What are the stakes for S in this story? In a general sense, I was interested but not in love. I think that comes down as much to lacking information as an actual judgement. For me, the only things tying this to a specific real-world culture were the references to setting and dress. I didn't spot anything setting-wise that struck me as problematic (assuming that the narrative deals with the homophobia, but it seems like you're setting up to do that) but I am not well-versed enough in the history or cultures you're drawing from to be any sort of reliable source on this. I try to avoid being overly prescriptive, but since you asked... Pick a thread and stick with it. S wanders through the market chasing rumours of the RA because - insert compelling reason here - and the conversations he has are tense, because people recognize his heritage (foreshadowing the conflict with the refugees) or the fact that he's intersex (giving us context for how intersex people are viewed for the culture and how he positions himself within it). Still, one or two of these conversations and maybe a very brief summary, he finds a solid lead! He also finds some disturbing implications and/or complicating factors, but they won't stop him from moving forward. Then he heads back to the palace because oh yeah, his brother is becoming an emperor today is probably going to be super mad that he missed the ceremony, only to find that: oh no! something is wrong with the palace! There's been a break in! And saving the family revelations for Ch2. Or to choose a second thread, and probably the one I'd go for: S has recently gotten back from the market with troubling news of (trouble with refugees/rumours of the RA/both/some other actionable thing) and is determined to do something about it, but is interrupted by his responsibilities/obligations relating his brother's ascension to the throne. Maybe he even approaches his brother after the ceremony with a plan to do something about one of these things, but they're interrupted by trouble in the palace: somebody has broken in and destroyed the valuable MacGuffins! The Emperor goes to deal with it and S tags along because nobody's paying attention to him - and they BOTH recognize the perpetrator as their sister's lover. J is furious and swears revenge and torture, and S intervenes and talks him down. The next chapter is the interrogation.

So we have @Ace of Hearts and @Mandamon for Monday. Any other takers?

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Yes, you're good to go. Any other takers? And I won't worry as much about my late check of the forums today... apparently I've lost all ability to tell what day it is

Sorry, I meant to confirm yesterday! You (and @shatteredsmooth I believe) are good to go. Also good to go!

List cleanup is done! As always, if anyone finds I've removed them in error, or if you're returning to the forums after a while and just want to be re-added, let me know

Sounds like you're good to go... quiet so far and your last sub was way short anyway. So far we have @shatteredsmooth for this week and @C_Vallion for the 10th. Any other takers for this week?

Skimming through others' comments now as well... I'm extremely curious to see how this story makes connections to the Beowulf text as well, because I don't see the connections immediately - but I don't think I have to necessarily, nor do I think it has to be structured in the same way that Beowulf was. I think that if there are going to be disappearing kids and similar dangers, that that should be set up early - next chapter if not this one - because right now I'm expecting a sports story in space. I did initially assume that the boat, and B getting in trouble for it, were the inciting incident, but by the end of the chapter had come down to the invitation to the swim meet being the inciting incident. Which I think is a very logical place to start even though it's not exactly analogous to Beowulf. One option might be to have B dreaming of the swim competition and watching the news about bad things happening on Earth (or parents or someone telling him about it) and him assuming he's not going to get the competition for whatever reason... then you already have that potential danger seeded by the time we do get to the invite for the competition. It does feel like the boat vandalism is a bit of a red herring, but I'd also hate to see it go because it tells us so much about B's character and the decisions he makes.

1. Does this hook you into the story? It does to an extent, certainly by the end of the chapter I’m interested. I think to really get readers’ attention right off the bat, and to hopefully help cement our interest in the swim competition when it does come, I’d like a better sense of the stakes. When it starts we know B thinks he’s done something that was “worth it,” but we don’t really have much of a sense of what he might be losing. I think even knowing that he’s potentially messed up his chances on a competitive swim team and whatever opportunities that means for him (in the first few paragraphs I can’t tell if it’s something he’s doing just for fun) would be helpful. Then, when he gets the invitation, he’s suddenly got a bigger opportunity than he ever imagined even though he’s made some bad decisions. 2. Does the character sound like a kid? Is the voice strong enough? Maybe an older pre-teen or young teen, but not super young. I don't know that the character has a really distinctive voice yet. Getting a better handle on some of his emotions might help. But I'm not feeling a lack of voice yet, either, I think because we are learning some pretty significant stuff about the character from the choices he's made. 3. What about world-building? Too much? Too little? Just right? I think probably about the right amount. Another small reference or two along the lines of “space steel” might be helpful as I was surprised to learn that the competition was galactic and that we weren’t on Earth (the bit about the duck definitely seems grounded in an Earth setting, without foreknowledge!) but we get to that information quickly enough that I don’t think it’s essential. 4. Based on this opening, what do you expect the book to be about? What promises is the narrative making? I think I’m expecting B to make impulsive decisions that get him in trouble at the intergalactic swim competition, and maybe to have some sort of antagonistic relationship with the athletic director. The first couple of pages had me thinking about this being a story where B deals with the consequences of sabotaging the boat, but that doesn’t seem to be nearly as much of a thread by the end of the chapter, so I don’t think I’m expecting that incident to come up in any major way. Line by line: P3 “they opened their draw” drawer? P3 “sometimes, you could read the digital version until” couldn’t? Does B have any idea what the letter is? It’d be good to have a sense of how he is feeling before he opens it, aside from not wanting to be here. P4 “N owned part of fancy” part of a “If I go and I win, won’t I just be giving him what he wants?” This confused me for a minute as I tried to figure out why N would care. But I guess it’s because he’s director of the athletics program and B winning would therefore make him look good? Last comment, which I’m making based on the assumption that the coach is going to be a reasonably important to the story. It seems like they go to bat for B here in a pretty big way, so it’d be interesting to have a better sense of what their relationship with B is aside from his coach. Like is B a star player and gets a lot of their attention? Is B afraid of disappointing them, or making them angry? Are they usually this supportive or is this a surprise to B? Etc. Especially because this is middle grade, I'm wondering if this is focused enough. I had to think a bit about the question about promises, and I think it's because it felt like the narrative was building up to a couple of different ones. Especially because it's middle grade there might need to be more of a build-up on the competition as opposed to the boat incident.

Sounds good! Any other takers?

Usually the forum goes quiet through November/December and picks up again towards the end of December and the new year. Looks like we're right on track Who do we have up for this week? (Planning on getting some critiques out myself soon!)