Silk

Aside from the fact that it’s had a good trim, I think this is pretty similar to the last version I read… which is to say I don’t have a lot of comments to add. I think this is a good length – the 9k version I read was fine, but a little much to digest in one sitting, whereas this version is totally doable. I certainly wasn’t bored by it, and N’s longing at the end comes through very nicely. As I read: “Y turned, started to vocalize some emotion that would have made them both uncomfortable…” Hah. “And they will never let me back planetside…” it feels a tad weird that N is talking about this so openly, though it makes more sense on realizing the Rs already know the story. It’s the only place so far where the dialogue feels maybe the tiniest bit infodumpy, but it’s important information and it definitely sounds exactly like the way N would complain about it if she was going to complain about it. Well, the introduction to C spaceport is uncomfortably vivid. Should I be grateful that I don’t actually know what toe jam smells like? (Yes.) “… a slender Terran gave her a toothy smile…” Is this App who N is talking to in the next few paragraphs? It seems that away, but the original description made it look like the person N waved at was passing by, not manning a storefront. “And you’re to comm me…” Why? She hasn’t even asked what N is using the balls for. It’s possible she’s inferred it but I still don’t get the need for monthly updates? Bottom of p14 “...bit back a smile.. whispered with a grin.” Trying to stay away from LBLs, but couldn’t help this one – both of those attached to the same piece of dialogue feels redundant. “since it was technically reserved for As, who did not exist.” Tee hee. “...that N could tell even from a distance” reads as if N is describing someone she doesn’t know or recognize. I assumed this was a reference to the abilities At develops in the original trilogy, so it didn't bug me. I wondered about this too, but I think it was a trap? Hah! I like this, but if you do that I think you should have N cotton on to the fact that it's G4 in the settee sooner, which I sort of thought even before this edit. I didn't have a problem with the previous version, but I like this MUCH better. It reads much more like plot-relevant info that happens to also hold the answer N is looking for, rather than N just stumbling across the exact thing that helps her (as far as this chapter goes) fairly local dilemma.

Yep, I'd say I can do 1000-1200 words in an hour in the right situation (i.e. have a decent outline or am far enough into the draft to have discovery-written my way into knowing what I'm doing).

@Snakenaps, @kais and @C_Vallion for Monday!

I was thrown by the start of this chapter – Ir is wearing armor? I guess there’s some precedent for her job being shuffled around, but it seems like this would not be a great job to assign someone to untrained. Edit: Oh, she’s doing her naming thing again. I take it back. “...wondered if the guards on either side of her could see her steaming.” Interesting. Is she angry about something? Top of p2: “...few who wanted into the palace.” This sentence needs to be rejigged a bit, think; seems like there are some missing words somewhere but I’m not totally certain of the intent. It seems like Ir is doing this job more or less in the open now? That’s an interesting development. The fact that Ir almost missed this name makes me wonder – what if she was just a bit too slow on the uptake, and they’d already moved onto another name by the time she realized she needed to let someone know? Top of p4 – is this a scene change? Because of the page break I can’t tell. I’ m glad Ir has asked about what would happen to the ram, since I remember wondering why she didn’t ask the last time she uncovered someone whose name didn’t match. I kind of wonder about the “proceed directly to arrest and trial” portion bit of this, though; going by a fake name is suggestive, but it doesn’t prove the person in question has done anything wrong other than falsifying documents. The execution needed to happen eventually, and it’s a powerful scene. But it’s worth noting that this is the first indication of actual despotism we’ve had, whereas in just about every other respect it seems like the BK is providing a reasonable government – and as evidence of tyrannical rule it’s undermined a bit by the fact that the ram was planning to kill the king. All of which is to say that as important as this moment is, it doesn’t quite feel earned. IMO, to make this moment as powerful as it deserves to be, to really serve as a moment of awakening for Ir, it needs to feel inevitable – I think we need to have seen other, smaller injustices that Ir didn’t notice (willfully or not) that mean of course we were going to end up here eventually. I’m focusing on despotism/injustice, by the way, because that really seems to be what’s presented here, having gone (as far as I can tell) pretty immediately from suspicion, to apprehension, to trial and execution. BUT, if this is meant to be a reasonable move by the M government, I think the same principles apply. Was there an ongoing investigation, or trial proceedings, that could have been whispered about beforehand? What about consequences for previous people who Ir caught out (doesn’t all have to be related to a plot against the government) – could someone have lost their job? Got hit with a fine that maybe they couldn’t afford? Done a bit of jail time? Etc. I guess these last last couple of paragraphs are very long way of saying that while most readers could probably assume we’d end up here, the actual moment felt like going from zero to 60 in terms of what’s actually on the page. You know me, I’ll never use two words when twenty will do By the way, I don’t think it’s necessary to italicize the name of a restaurant. p13 “I shall see you…” seems unusually formal coming from Ir. I like the decisiveness we’re seeing from Ir in the start of this scene! That said… is this a scene about her demanding answers, or a scene about her having already decided to quit when she comes in? Because it starts off with the former and shifts to the latter. When P says she doesn’t have answers, Ir just lets it go and decides to quit (good!) and it’s like demanding answers was never on the table in the first place. If she just quits, fine. If you’re going to raise “getting answers,” I think she needs to decide to pursue that, or not. Good emotion in the temple scene. The way the last few scenes are laid out contributes to Ir feeling passive, I think. She sorta-demands answers from the palace and then quits. She goes to the temple, and by the end of the scene knows where she should go to get answers. And then we proceed to another rest scene, which is reasonable for Ir, but we’ve been primed by the last couple of scenes to expect her to do something, and then she doesn’t. Is the last scene needed, at least at this particular point? All that said, I really do think there is a lot to like about this sub. I’m noticing a lot of really evocative lines as the consequences start to come down and the emotional stakes start to crystallize. S’s radicalization is starting to become really apparent – definitely the revolutionaries do NOT seem good at what they’re doing, these two chapters reinforce that, but that seems increasingly to me like a deliberate choice. The execution scene falls in a good place in terms of Ir’s relationships with her palace friends. And something decisive was definitely needed from the BK after the pamphlets and the riots. Onwards!

Overall: This chapter feels like it starts a few threads but doesn’t really finish any of them. J shares a bunch of information that seems to be poising the two of them more definitely for a romantic arc, but Ir doesn’t act on it or really even react to it; Ir goes out looking for S and T but they end up finding themselves, and Ir doesn’t have to make any decisions about what she’s willing to do to find them; S and Ir sort of have a fight but by the end of the chapter they haven’t ended up any closer together, nor any farther apart. There is, I think, good tension and lots of individual moments where the emotion comes through well, I just don’t feel like it hangs together as a whole quite yet. As I read: “It was both relieving and heartbreaking…” Took me a few tries to figure out what this sentence was referring to. Three days seems like quite a while to be locked down for some political leaflets. It makes sense, I suppose, assuming this lockdown is for the BK to deal with the security breach among his translators and not the leaflets, but if I’m right on that, it might make sense to have the characters wonder why they’re locked down for so long? “...couldn’t risk the lost allies when word got out.” Hoping this is referring to his shenanigans with his fiancee and not his eyesight, though it seems to me that the other family in question could circulate the information about the shenanigans no matter what J’s father wanted to do about it. “A spy called W” the first rule of spycraft is to not tell people you’re a spy. “...called him some word that should have led me to a guillotine.” Again I wonder how much of an actual despot the BK is supposed to be, or is supposed to be viewed as. He’s really not presented that way but occasionally one of the characters will say something offhand like this that puts him up there with the worst tyrants. “...a job as a musician and a steady paycheck.” Oh, right, this is fantasy. (...Sorry. I couldn’t resist. :P) That’s a pretty lengthy monologue from J. At the very least there are probably a few places where you could trim without losing any information (we already know he’s a musician now, for one thing) but more than that I want to see it broken up by something else – we don’t even see Ir’s reactions to all this information but even better than that it’d be nice to see them trying to do something. Can they be trying to find out what the heck’s going on? Can Ir trying to be getting word that she’s okay to her family? Something? P4 “thoughts of ...J… pushed into the dough.” I stumbled on this sentence. P5 “...a shuttering breath” should be “shuddering” in this context. Also, pretty sure I’ve seen this description once before in this chapter already – I had meant to note it then, but forgot. “it had been” … should probably just be “was” here? The rest of the description of the city is great though. “It would be best to stay off the streets.” Not sure why Ir is assuming this, necessarily – how much information would she have had about what was going on outside the palace? If it’s been several days I’m not sure the assumption that violence is still continuing would be the easiest one to make. “She had only been gone for a night” first scene says they’ve been locked down for three days. I get that Ir’s family needed to divide and conquer here, but leaving the youngest kid alone in the house seems like a bad move. “...for a rainbow of reasons” OMG new collective noun Either S is skulking around the jail because T’s been captured and she wants to free him or this is WAY too coincidental. S is being a jerk and I really hope Ir takes a chunk out of her. If not during this conversation than at some point in the future. I was a bit disappointed that Ir didn’t find T or even a lead to go on, especially since T just shows up in the next scene anyway. Last page: “She had seen for herself what those claws could when” should be “what those claws could do” I’m guessing. So recently in another thread, I saw @Sarah B make a comment about how you need to have a somewhat specialized needle to do stitches, because a common sewing needle won't puncture the flesh. Good cap to the chapter. Just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks here, but what if you reframed the actual conflict in this scene with S and Ir, so that rather than it being specifically about finding T, it's about Ir convincing S to leave the jail and get her wounds tended to? S has good reason not to want to leave the jail AND is already being unreasonably belligerent, so having Ir convince her to leave, however she does that, gives Ir a goal she can actually accomplish here, which hopefully takes away the frustration of T just popping back into the narrative in the next scene. Then you could always trim the bribery scene if you felt the need, so that it's more of a "Look, I tried and he's not there" thing than a failed attempt to actually find him.

Late to the party, as usual. I’d already written this critique by the time I saw you were maybe scrapping-or-moving it, so here it is anyway in case it ends up being helpful for the “moved” version of it. As an “established” reader I had no problem getting into At’s POV and the narrative. I thought it was pretty well-paced and nothing felt overly info-dumpy. I do why readers new to the series would be having trouble grasping the arc, though, and honestly just in general I’d agree that the arc isn’t quite as impactful as it could be. If this chapter ends up getting moved to later in the book, more setup of At’s deep unhappiness and fish-out-of-water feelings might be helpful to new readers, and maybe taking a closer look at some of the actual problems At’s dealing with would help beef up the B-plot – which I do think is a good idea. I wouldn’t mind a bit more of a connection between S’s thread – which is given an extremely brief shout-out right at the beginning of the chapter and At’s here, since it’s not until the end of the chapter with GF threatening to whisk At off-planet that it becomes apparent they’ll presumably be on the mission together. I was also a bit off-put by the flirting between At and GF. Well, mostly by At’s response thereto. I kind of assume GF is a stereotypical pilot type who is conscious of At’s little crush and is having some fun at At’s expense. Unlike others, I didn’t really get the impression at any point that the narrative was pushing them together romantically, although yup some of the flirting was pretty overt. At’s reaction to GF felt a little … extra, though. Definitely the combination of “childhood adoration” and “childhood crush” is a pretty wicked one, but it’s been a while, At now has a lot more pressing problems than she did the last time she met GF, and she has a pretty stable relationship with E. Having At be this flustered was fun, but felt a bit extreme. As I read: I love how absolutely disinterested At is in the actual, you know, governance conversation she’s supposed be having right now. I’m sure this will not come back to bite her in the butt. “At considered fainting.” Hah! P3 “Walking towards to At” extra “to” here I think p5 “At turned all business.” This conversation seems to start out of nowhere, since the gs were just out for a walk and At waved at them – I actually didn’t even realize at first that they were close enough to have a conversation. And then At launches into a fairly loaded conversation with them about the ceremony without, as far as I can tell, picking up on any cue from the group that that they’re actually concerned about it. The rest of the conversation is good, just getting into it felt a bit rocky. “...all teeth and dimples.” Great line. “...if you took too many comm messages…” 1. I like GF. 2. To be entirely fair to At, I think this is the first comm message she’s actually taken. Bottom of p12, “after a brush with Es…” should be an apostrophe before the s on E’s name. So… why does going flying mean leaving the planet? Is it just because that’s the type of ship At has? Because I feel like they should be able to go flying on-planet also. “Have you tried not listening? You used to be really good at that.” I love her Wait, are we talking about retiring? I thought it was just a vacation.

@Snakenaps and @C_Vallion for tomorrow. Any other takers?

Ah, okay, good to know! Yes, I think so. I either need to be confident that they're competent enough to get where they are, or confident that they're supposed to not know what they're doing. Having the characters grapple with the fact that they're in over their heads, or their actions have consequences they don't understand, etc., would go along way towards establishing that confidence. Potentially, having something that makes it clear that they only took the A down in a stroke of luck/because A himself was somewhat incompetent, or hinting that there's something else going on that could help if that's the case. I think one of the other things that's making it hard for me to swallow that the character don't know what they're doing on purpose was the apparent relative size of the operation as presented in the fist couple of chapters. It made it sound like this is a pretty large group with multiple ships, etc. which doesn't necessarily suggest a lack of competence. Continuing to lead into the "revolution by committee" would help here, though, I think.

Overall: I’m still really struggling with feeling like the main characters don’t actually know what they’re doing. Their original plan that T laid out really does not really convince me that their plan to take over the government would actually work. Also, I don’t have any sense of how they planned to to administrate the existing governmental structure for the next 30 days, or a new one afterwards for that matter. I think it would be one thing for them to realize they’re in over their heads, but I’m not sure if that’s the direction you’re going- if so, the character seem blissfully unaware of it. I also would have liked to see a little more forward motion by the end of the chapter. Ek has given her speech and inadvertently changed everything, which is a great way to keep leading us forwards, but then the characters spend the rest of the chapter talking about the old plan that will no longer work rather than working to formulate a new one that will. As I read: “So she knew the correct technique to ‘swim’ through the air.” Not a rhetorical question; I don’t know this offhand. So… does this actually work? I had the impression you actually had to have something to push off of or you just couldn’t get anywhere period. “She felt nauseous to be perpetuating the evils of the D in this way…” Wasn’t that exactly the plan? “...one blunder after another?” What were the other blunders? Ek keeps referencing G, often enough that I think I’d like to have a bit more information about this other character. Aside from the role G apparently played in the Resistance, it seems she was very important to Ek personally, but I don’t know how. While I sort of get Ek latching onto L N, since she saw L N after using the GT, wouldn’t passing this message on to the commander be, you know, entirely appropriate? “She had revealed ... to the entire galaxy.” There was a battle in the first couple of chapters involving multiple ships as well as people taking the space station where the ruler of the galaxy lived. I really don’t understand how the group’s existence could possibly be considered secret at this point. “She had seemed like such a perfect choice… competent, confident…” This is not really the impression I’ve gotten from Ek so far – neither from her own perspective nor from the way Gy treats her. I didn't feel the same confusion with this scene that it seems some of the others did, but this particular comment definitely struck me as off - it felt almost a little too off-hand, as if the character had a much greater understanding what was happening than I suspect she (or we, the readers) actually did. Yes! I meant to comment on this. It was a great line. Oh, yeah, this would help. He's much too deferential to her. I had sort of put it down to him being military and her possibly not, which would put her outside his direct chain of command, but still. Hah! Okay, fair enough, but yeah, these folks so far have not really been presented as an "ends justify the means" type of crowd - certainly not Ek. The others could potentially be more so, but we're so far not seeing it on screen, either in the way they operate or in tension between the characters. Yeah, the POV change wasn't obvious (to me) until a paragraph or so in. Worth noting that I pegged this as the inciting incident as well, much more so than actually killing A. Yeah, this is a a fair cop. I still have all kinds of questions about the GT and why Ek can just ... use it. Watching her attempt to ferret out some information (which was her original goal!) would have been helpful - especially since the implications of the scene seem, even with limited knowledge of the world, pretty consequential.

Sorry I didn't get to the first sub of this chapter, but at least I can look at this version with fresh eyes, even if I'm a little late getting to it. Overall: I think this was a pretty serviceable start. There are some potentially interesting plot and character hooks for sure. I’m not quite bought into the characters’ voices and emotions yet – there’s definitely a narrative focus on the high cost of rebellion and war, but I’m not feeling it in a visceral way just yet. I think the old saw of “show, don’t tell” is applicable here – the characters do a lot of telling us how they feel, and I think that when you’re ready, this draft might benefit from a pass that focuses more on showing. What thing makes the characters hesitate when they know they shouldn’t? What’s easier than it should be? What hits them harder than they expected to? Etc. You’ll see this in my line-by-line comments, but by a couple pages in, I was getting the impression that Ek and her group really did not know what they were doing, and the rest of the sub did not do anything to dissuade me from that perspective. To really be on board with the story, I either need to be convinced that these characters are competent enough to pull off a rebellion of the scale that they’re doing here, or confident that their lack of confidence is a deliberate authorial choice that will lead us to interesting places down the road. I'm trying to decide whether or not I expect to discover that A is not quite as dead as he appears and will become a thorn in the characters' side in later chapters, or if this will be about the challenge of trying to transition to a new structure and whatever they find after A's death. I'm not quite sure which I'm being prepped for yet, which I think is fine this early, but if A does reappear I hope he becomes a more compelling victim, with some more passion or... something. As I read: “…at the bodies of the resistance fighters.” Are these Ek’s comrades – they’re referred to as “soldiers’ in the first line – or the imperial guards? It’s a bit ambiguous without context. So they’ve killed the ruler, but haven’t yet fully taken the station? Seems to me they’re counting chickens before they’ve hatched as far as claiming victory goes. Also, is this all one space station or are they taking multiple locations? Near the top of p2: “grunt” description repeated The crystal is still floating, and Ek can’t touch it? …A’s still alive, aren’t they. Edit: CALLED IT Okay, but more seriously, did they not check to make sure the A was dead? If it was that obvious to me it probably should have been more obvious to them. Ek’s dialogue sticks out a bit as being very modern, in comparison to any of the others, but she also just seems young. “…they could see the battle raging around them.” This really seems like it should be given more importance than it has been so far. In contrast with the A’s alleged death, they don’t seem to have any emotional connection whatsoever to the fight that has been referenced a couple times as happening around them. Even if they think the outcome is a foregone conclusion, surely they’d be happy to see it going their way, or regretting how many more people might die before it’s over, or something? It feels like the battle right now is being treated like wall art. I know that there is a narrative justification in that they’re waiting for special tech that can pierce A’s shields, but it still seems off to me that they’re standing around arguing with the A without doing – it seems – anything whatsoever to stop him from doing he wants. They don’t think they can kill him, but surely they could try, or attempt to bypass or take down the shields, or hack (?) the tear, or jam A’s abilities to connect to the station, or something. I’m really not all that interested in this philosophical debate between Ek and the A here. Partially it feels like standard villain monologue, and partly it’s because the A is trying to get Ek worked up around something you’ve already told us that she’s not planning on doing, i.e., ruling – she’s just going to be a figurehead while they supposedly transition to a new form of government. So A smirking mysteriously about how difficult it will be to rule doesn’t really do much for me here. It gets a little more interesting when E starts dismantling him, but I think it would be much more so if A had anything to say that I was actually invested in. I am a little more interested in Ek’s apparent secret. Wondering with the A is whispering it mysteriously, though. Especially since I’ve already noted that it doesn’t feel like there’s quite enough conflict here (even if this leads to good things later)… what if the A said it out loud where everyone could here? The end of the chapter makes Ek seem rather naïve, but much more deliberately so. And I do think that’s a good end to the chapter. “grunted” appears two more times on the first page of Ch2. “She turned GT over in her hand…” I thought the A destroyed this last chapter? P5 “A bit too late to voice these concerns…” Gotta agree there. It’s fine for Ek to be having regrets or wonder if she did the right thing, but this reads more like a conversation that folks would have gearing up for rebellion than after they’ve already gone through with it. “You have access to the T…” How did she get that access? Is it just a matter of physically touching it or? Because if it were some sort of mechanical/computational device, I would assume it had much better security than that. Okay, I got a good laugh out of Ek describing it as “sticky.” I hope that part stays. “Ek. How is that go?” Why is Gy asking Ek? He was there wasn’t he? Or was this supposed to be a rhetorical question? “No one outside of this station knows that A is dead.” That seems somewhat unlikely. This has certainly not been portrayed so far as any sort of stealth mission. I realize that the aliens might not have listened, but why, instead of hemming and hawing, doesn’t Ek just say that the GT shocks/burns people who try to touch it? “If word leaks that we’ve overthrown the D…” Then why do they need a figurehead? Come to think of it, if the plan is to go “radio silent” for 30 days, how on earth are they going to maintain the illusion that everything is a-okay? Happy with the hook at the end of ch2, a little annoyed that it took her this long to try it.

“…mud-brown hair falls from Wren’s squarish as he” missing word after ‘squarish’ Who is A and why are they apparently leaning over JJ to read JJ’s journal? Boundaries, A, jeez! Edit: Okay, I’m glad JJ asks the same question. “Whatever sayings mean I will do anything for them…” I stumbled over this sentence. “I am a hopeless puddle of teenage crush.” I like the line, but this seems a little more self-aware than JJ has been presented so far. P5 “...if it doesn’t get it’s” should be “its” Okay, I like the reveal that L’s helper is JJ’s mom, but small how is this galaxy, exactly? “But gods, so I have questions.” Should this be “do I”? “Why did you not check it before…” A had started to seem a little manipulative to me before now, but at this point, I definitely do not like them. They spring a surprise stowaway on another student, except them to come up with a hiding spot on short notice, and risk getting into trouble to get the stowaway to said hiding spot, and are now complaining because the spot isn’t good enough? I am kind of hoping this ends with JJ telling A all the way off. “Why in the forty-nine hells…” I think it was 39 the last couple of times? Or does JJ just add another 10 hells every time JJ cusses? “…W and his goon’s eyes” apostrophe should go after the S “I have no boundaries.” This is going to end poorly, isn’t it. “Do you really want to tangle with me again?” This actually seems like information we should have had before. I certainly got the impression that JJ didn’t like W, but not that they had a particular history – and if you’re going to pay this much attention to JJ delivering W’s comeuppance, it feels like a bit more setup is needed I’m guessing that all of these characters are supposed to be roughly the same age? I’m getting a mid-teens vibe from JJ, but A seems older. Although I realize some of that is them being a snob. A note for later revision rounds: L’s name is sometimes spelled with one L and sometimes with two. I don’t think I have much more to say overall than is in the line-by-line comments. JJ’s voice seems pretty solid and I’m enjoying the narration. I am starting to wonder what L’s overall objective is – as in, where is she trying to escape to? How did the space school come part of her escape route? It seems very coincidental unless JJ’s mom specifically sent her here, which so far doesn’t seem to be the case. The pacing so far seems solid, but I wonder about wrapping it up in the next 3k words – it might be a tall order.

Looks like we have four slots with @C_Vallion, @ginger_reckoning, @Snakenaps and @shatteredsmooth for tomorrow.

New edit: Minor updates to the rules to better reflect current practices, and an update to the FAQs.

Correct, we don't usually do double submissions and generally only make exceptions to this for external professional deadlines. However, you can certainly a plan for a regular spot on the 11th.

Sounds good! Shoot me a DM with the link when you have a chance and I'll give it a read

Hey @karamel, I'm trying to catch up on subs and was going to give this one a read. But before I do, I thought I'd ask if you have a revised version you'd rather I read instead?

Nicely done! I’m very on board with this sub, and thought it was a solid start to a new novel. The level of worldbuilding was appropriate, the hook is there, and I have a reasonably good sense of W as a character. I say “reasonably” because I don’t have much sense of W’s interactions with the crew or who they are, and I think that’s the one missing piece that could tell us a lot about him. The focus of this chapter is pretty narrow and I wouldn’t expect to see a ton of it here, but the fact that we get absolutely none definitely colours my opinion somewhat; I don’t think W is necessarily a bad person but definitely have the impression that his connection to his crew is only utilitarian rather than having any sort of relationship with them. Having now read your post – also not troubled by the fact that the captain won’t be the MC, though as others have noted, I’d hope he sticks around in some form. As I read: First line, “it’s” should be “its” “during the wars a century early” earlier? “Like clockwork, the crew followed…” I’d be curious to get a sense of reactions from the crew, since W at least seems to think this is dangerous. “Belay that… no sense in letting it go to waste.” Seems to contradict himself here – I took from the second sentence that he’s quite willing to attempt salvage, but that’s not what he said to the deckhand. It’s interesting that none of the crew have been named or seen any focus. It gives the impression that W is not particularly attached to his crew. POCKET BLUNDERBUSS I think there are a few places where the prose could be trimmed back, definitely, but figured it was too early to get into LBLs.

Thanks for another sub! As far as tone goes, I didn’t have any issues with it – it certainly seemed like a very modern tone but there is precedent for it in otherwise medieval-esque fantasies and it seemed consistent. Dialogue I think I’ve addressed in my “as I read” comments below. My biggest issue with the combat is actually an issue with the sub overall: it lacked tension. For one thing, C seems pretty competent, so his safety never seemed truly in question; for another, I don’t have a real good sense of the characters or the stakes. There are two sides fighting, but why? Who am I supposed to feel sympathy towards? What happens if one side loses? I really don’t have a good sense of why what’s shown on the screen matters. Even the apparent conflict between C and his father isn’t all that interesting, because C says some things about it, but I so far don’t have the sense that he’s particularly emotionally invested in that conflict. The thing that has most kept me engaged so far is the C/A relationship – it seems to be something that C and A both believe in pretty strongly and I get the sense that there’s an interesting story behind it, so I’m interested to know more. As I read: AH seems like a very modern name. Which is fine, except that it’s at odds with the other names we’ve seen so far (C and his sword). P1 “C gave a grunt of ascent” should be “assent.” Spellcheck won’t catch this one. Okay, since you asked about dialogue, I think one of the things to consider is how modern you want your dialogue to sound. In the first couple of paragraphs here, A’s dialogue sounds fairly modern, but she’s not using contractions at all, which fantasy often uses to signify a more formal/archaic setting. Another thing to look out for is unnecessary dialogue tags. Especially like in this first scene, where you only have two people talking, you probably don’t need as many of them as you think you do. P2 “...when killing needed done” should be “doing” “...blade sank deeply into the saddle” so what is the horse doing? Details like this can make the combat feel more believable and potentially add to the tension. P3: at the very top of p3 C seems to be trying not to kill the assassin, but a paragraph later he casually beheads her. While the narrative notes that this attack was fiercer than the first one, I haven’t gotten the impression at any point that C is in particular danger, as he’s being presented as a fairly powerful character, so this is a surprising about-face. The phrase “one of the boys” is being used an awful lot. I’d imagine people would be using ranks/positions etc as well. P5 “I lost my horse back there…” not making any attempt to recover it? This suggests that this group is VERY well supplied, which is not the impression I’d gotten to this point. P6 here’s “The boys” again. This definitely seems to be a military situation, and while there certainly might be a level of informality in day-to-day operations I have a hard time imagining quite this much. Re: the medallion and reveal: why did C wait until the scouts were back to have this conversation? If A is his closest confidant, wouldn’t he have asked her about the medallion much sooner? “You don’t know what you’re dealing with…” I’d be more willing to believe this if C hadn’t dispatched the first assassin with such ease. For that matter, if the assassin wasn’t for C, why didn’t she just run instead of engaging with someone who was clearly not her target? “He knew he couldn’t say the words.” Why not? A says it immediately after. Okay, so eight pages in, we’re engaged in combat with this other military group now, and I have no idea who they are or why they matter. This far in, I really should. “...so he began shouting orders” All indications still point to C’s outfit being a military organization, in which case, surely there would have been other officers about giving orders. If not, and the organizing attacking them is military at all, this would become a rout real quick. “Three blows.” Why three, specifically? If this isn’t some sort of magical thing then this makes no sense to me. “ripping the flesh ever wider” this seems like a very detached way to describe something that must be extremely painful.

Hi Valerie, Congrats on your first sub! I had very little in the way of line-by-line edits. The prose was solid and easy to read and I had a good sense of character all the way through. The thing I tripped up on most was the relationship between M and her daughter. The daughter seems quite alarmed when M starts talking about being visited by aliens, which is reasonable, but maybe not enough to actually do anything about it (“should I come down?”) which struck me as a little weird. The conversation doesn’t seem that tense on M’s side, but then she “slams” the receiver down as if she’s angry. Little details like this can be hugely helpful but here I’m getting just enough to make me feel like I’m missing something. I don’t think this is the type of piece that needs to end with a big bang (so to speak) but the end isn’t quite doing it for me yet, I think because I don’t have a strong enough sense of what M is leaving behind. Is this bittersweet, a sacrifice to get something she wants? Is it a triumphant departure? What is it that she’s actually getting out of running off with the aliens? You don’t necessarily need to answer all those questions, of course, or do so explicitly, but those are some ideas for things that might increase the emotional resonance of the ending. Question 1: I didn’t have an issue with the length, per se. It didn’t feel like it went on too long. That said, it certainly feels like an appropriate story for flash, and you may have better luck placing if you can wrangle it into a flash-appropriate word count. I think it is possible to pare the length back without losing too much content. I’d be inclined to take a good hard look at the dialogue as a first option for condensing, if that’s the route you decide to go. On questions 2/3: I actually didn’t read any of the questions until after I’d read the full piece and encountered your explanation of the symbolism at the end, so I think I ended up colouring my thoughts a little too much to have a helpful opinion here. That said: I don’t think the messaging is too in-your-face (it rarely is).

I think that's because you actually have two emails on the list... @Valerie I got yours as well - I can confirm that I got all the subs this week if anyone else is wondering.

So it looks like we are at four slots tomorrow with @C_Vallion. @Snakenaps, @Valerie , and @sniperfrog submitting.

I've threatened to make him new ones on several occasions. Apparently, I need to stock up on d8 silicone molds.

So it looks like we have @aeromancer, @ginger_reckoning, @Snakenaps, and @kais for tomorrow. @kais it looks like we just have room for the double-slot, so we are full for tomorrow! For our new members - this isn't something we do often, usually only when someone has an external deadline or very occasionally when someone has something that it really doesn't make sense to split.

Nope, all good

We don't typically take a formal break for the holidays, although things naturally tend to be a bit slower. Looks like we have @shatteredsmooth and @ginger_reckoning for Monday.