Silk

So @Ace of Hearts, @shatteredsmooth, and @kais for Monday!

I would totally be up for a short story called "The Flotilla at the End of the World" if someone wanted to sub that to the group. I'm just saying.

I thought the overall arc of the chapter was great, but it definitely drags in parts. I think some of the banter can go. I also wondered whether the chapter might benefit from shuffling the middle bits around – I thought the order felt a bit off in parts. There were points at which I wasn’t clear about whether S was planning to go to Ard, or straight to Pr. Then, by the time S realizes she’s stepped into a diplomatic mess vis-a-vis Pr, I’m already invested in her going to Ard… which makes the diplomatic stuff less effective as a setback because that’s not where she’s going. I wonder how this chapter would work if S actually decides to go to Pr first, backtracks when she realizes the can of worms (heh) she’s opened and decides to go back to Ard to retrieve At, and that’s when it’s revealed that Pr has its own ideas about S changing course, thank you very much? If nothing else it'd maybe give readers a more intuitive explanation for why the planet is pulling them to begin with to glom onto in the short term. As I read: P2 “There almost to.” I think this is supposed to read “They’re almost to,” but if not, I have no idea what this means. Also, kind of surprised they seem to be going to Ard and not to P? What did lemonade ever do to you?! Maybe WRS because it’s been some time since I’ve read the original trilogy, but I’m sort of lost on the “shoes” thing… So Y just isn’t going to ask about the bodies? Because if I were in Y’s position and just heard that, I would also have followup questions. …huh. Did N always talk this much? “The J Tourism Board has suspended V tours…” Because of course there are tours. Also, the information in the article is helpful but I think it goes on a little too long. Should I recognize the name of the planet L? Because I definitely do not. “Why are we in e-level files?” Why is he just asking now? “N yelped and jumped away from the display…” Seems like an overreaction? She’s not even showing the dead bodies! Oh… it was it was because it was loud? Priutcu seems to be really well-established, so I’m wondering again how the initial discovery of an entire planet blowing up got buried at first. S’s interaction with the volunteer line: She thinks she’ll get there in three days? Is she going to Ard, or P? And S encounters… Bureaucracy. Serves her right I like the idea, but I think this would be more compelling if S didn’t discover it until she was already en route to the Pr. P15 “making the holo projection of her beak wobbling…” should be “wobbles” I think? “Do not come here…” Yy wasn’t nearly this firm a moment ago when S asked if she was welcome. “Bill to MC, general account.” While hilarious, banking security can’t possibly be this abysmal, can it? No verification at all? Y is taking this really quite well… I giggled at the thought of spiked lemonade. “Eyes secreting concern…” Speaking of concern, if his eyes are ‘secreting’ he’s either crying or in need of a physician. “mouth staying resptively shut” respectfully?

Your questions! 1. Is the pacing still alright? Yes – I admittedly missed some of the really high tension of the first chapter but still thought this worked pretty well. Leading into your next question I did think the first page was maybe a bit slow, but other than that this worked well. 2. Is the situation realistic enough? Yes! The groan from the toilet I had more trouble with this time, as you’ll see below, but otherwise this is hugely improved. 3. Are the characters represented well enough? The count in particular was a huge improvement over last time. M improved a little bit, but that was mostly by virtue of her having any lines or characteristics at all; I think she needs to come quite a ways further to carry the chapter and the conflict here, since it’s essentially her future that’s being decided (you’ll see this at several points in my comments below). In fact, I wonder if she shouldn’t be the POV character for this chapter. The parents still seemed pretty two-dimensional to me, the mother in particular, and though A was improved I think we need a lot more emotion out of him to buy into him as a POV character. 4. How bad is the dialogue/word usage? The dialogue is still pretty archaic, yes, and it’s incongruous with the more modern tone of this version. I also think that in a lot of places it could be more succinct – the characters spend quite a bit of time talking – which would probably help punch it up a bit. 5. Would you read on if you opened this book? I might thumb through a few more pages, but I’m not fully bought in yet. The last pages and the encounter with the Count did a fair bit to convince me to keep reading after not a ton of early investment in the characters, but I’m not totally there. I’d also be reading with caution, still, given the relatively little screen time the female characters get, especially in a story that so far appears that it’s going to be about one of them. I think that basically covers anything that I would normally say at the top of a crit. Though there is a ways to go, this is definitely an improvement over the previous version, so well done there. A quick note on the prose: Throughout, I also noticed some confusion around tenses, mostly using past tense when it would make more sense to use past perfect, so watch out for that. There were also a handful of cases of using passive voice when it would make more sense to use active (i.e. “A heard wolves howling” instead of “wolves were heard howling”). As I read: “She was always treated like a fragile doll…” Wasn’t it A up above saying that M shouldn’t have come to this creepy place? If so, that doesn’t seem very internally consistent. P2 “have we still not heard anything…” I get what you’re doing, but this seems a bit shoe-horned; it’s quite the conversational non-sequitur. P3 “I could live in such a house” I like the line but almost wonder if it needs to come sooner, as M’s been talked over a couple times by this point, like A says she shouldn’t be in such a creepy place and she’s like “it’s cool actually” (only, you know, more eloquently than what I just said ;)) p4 “So this was the man who pinned Ma under his thumb…” I have no idea what this means. I know I commented positively on the amazing groaning toilet in the previous version, but it doesn’t feel quite as well earned in this version (to be fair, the inherent absurdity of it means it has a pretty high bar to clear). It’s still got some creepy atmospheric stuff happening, but not nearly to the degree the first version had – which I assume is a deliberate choice on your part given your comments about where the rest of the novel is going, and is not necessarily a bad thing! - so I’m finding it harder to suspend my disbelief this time around. I wonder if this encounter could just be dialed back similarly, like, A thought he heard something and then dismisses it. Bottom of p7/top of p8: M is awfully quiet while the other characters talk about her future. P8: Oh good, she refused, at least. Of course there are conveniently howling wolves. I assume C summoned them while he was drawing little circles on the table? So… how does A actually feel about staying the night with the count? I mean, of course I can guess that he’s not thrilled, but I’m getting no actual emotion from him, except that the family is all feeling resigned. P11 “But, such things are not unheard of.” Okay, does this guy ACTUALLY believe the count doesn’t intend them harm? Because the thought going through my mind at this point is “this guy can’t actually be this dumb.” “...we are not to be pushed around.” Here we go. More of this, please! From everyone, ideally – especially A as our POV character, and M as the person whose future is being decided. Ah, so the meat was drugged? P13: yep.

Overall: The presentation of the Alts in Ch2 was a little much for me. I’d easily believe a group of narrow-minded people who are out for their own ends, I think it was the fact that the moment they’re introduced they’re immediately and openly talking about war (plus the octobone – I have been trying and failing to come up with a good/funny portmanteau of ‘bone octogon’ but you get the idea.) I thought chapter 3 started off pretty well but it feels like it’s starting to drag a bit in the middle; the scene with the twins goes a little long, and then it transitions to this scene in the bar that I’m not sure where it’s going yet, but I wonder if we could do a scene change here? As I read: The Alts read as a little… moustache-twirly to me. Just a conglomeration of ALL THE WORST THINGS, even skulls. That said, I think the actual confrontation between them and E is quite effective. “The man leapt into T’s boat… T leapt from her boat to the floating dock.” I like idea, but 1: seems a bit counter-intuitive for T to abandon her own boat and 2: wouldn’t everything already be rocking from the first jump? I do like the way the rest of the scene plays out though. It occurs to me, one way to make the Alts at least a little-less cardboard villain is to have them react to E being so young. It could give readers something a bit more relatable to help fuel the tension. This scene is actually a very effective explanation of why S is so afraid of magic, by the way. “I’ll be shocked if we do [leave today]… acting like it’s a race.” Getting mixed messages here. Is it important that the barge people leave quickly, or not? Was quite surprised to learn the Alts are part of government. I think the presentation as obvious villains, along with the skull-and-bones thing, led me to assume they were just pirates. “Some of the more extreme followers of your religion…” This seems like a non-sequitur. “...not a religion.” The capitalization of She/Her in reference to the elemental in the last chapter definitely suggested some religious undertones. 3rd paragraph on p8: not sure this is deliberate, but there is a reference to T-a-v with an “I” instead of just T-a-v “...and the sisterhood [solar…]” I’m guessing the square brackets are a placeholder that hasn’t been edited yet? Anyway, the sisterhood in reference to the barge people definitely needs to be slipped in earlier in the conversation instead, or even in the previous chapter. “A ringing bell… a second struggled… a third kept overshooting…” Had some trouble with this paragraph. I think that’s partly because some of the individual sentences need to be workshopped, and partly because the chaos very politely waited for E to finish this plot-relevant conversation. I think some of it needs to happen (or E needs to notice it) more gradually; maybe he tells someone who needs help to just hang on a second, or there are people irritably yelling at him, or we see M attempting to help people in the background, or something. Even seeing E deliberately brushing people off because he’s worried about S and wants to finish this conversation would help, I think. Onto chapter 3: “Now they had a purpose…” Yes, this is better. Its effectiveness will definitely depend on the setup in the first chapter but I like S having a much clearer purpose here and the fact that they’ve had a bit of a fire lit under them. P13: “S shuddered.” Paragraph break here that I suspect is probably extraneous, but at first I read it as a scene change, and thought “that’s a great end to the scene…” R is kind of a tool, aren’t they? “...but the kinds of creaks and groans…” Nice. Okay, whoa, it’s possible that I’m overtired and just misread, but I thought S was starting on their journey and was real confused when E suddenly came into the picture. Why does S have an armed escort if they’re just going home? Or… I guess E works somewhere a little farther away from where S lives than I thought? I’m definitely confused about the geography and where S is going vs. where they're coming from.

Looks like we have @shatteredsmooth, @kais, @julienreel and @C_Vallion for Monday.

Overall: Oooh, shiny! Space NASCAR! Giant flying squirrel monsters! (that’s what I’m going with, it’s late, shut up.) Okay, so… you said you wanted to hear everything about this story. I, uhh, took you at your word. FYI, I also sent you an email with some suggested LBLs (track changes is so much faster!) I think this is a pretty solid start. The structure is sound, and there’s some good atmospheric stuff around the initial excitement of racing, as well as some of the descriptions of being stuck inside the ship – though I definitely think you could ratchet this up several notches, as you’ll see below. I have to say that I wasn’t expecting what turned out to be primarily a survival story, rather than a racing story, so I think you need to look a little bit at the promises you’re making up-front. Maybe a little more on things like the weather and the difficulties it might cause, why you really don’t want to smash into a cliff (you’ll get eaten by a giant flying squirrel monster before they ever find you among all those trees). OR, a bit more focus on the preparations they make if the worst should happen. Triple-checking the oxygen tanks, the flares, the medical supplies, etc. Second big thing that comes to mind is that I wanted to Z to participate a little more in her own rescue. I know that her actions after being stranded definitely contribute to that, but there is a fair bit of waiting and hoping which is a bit of a hard sell narratively. You have some pretty great building blocks for all that stuff. Last thing is the only thing I think the story is actually missing and that is a sense of character arc. There’s really no growth here because Z is so singularly focused, first on the race, then on survival. We have no idea why she is doing this ludicrous thing: yes, the story is bookended by brief references to her desire to be a professional, but why? It’s probably not money if she and L can just casually rebuild an entire spaceship. Doing it for the thrill is a legitimate motivation, certainly for a short story (might not be enough to power a novel), but if that’s why she’s doing it… does she ever come to doubt? Stuck in a slowly submerging ship while running out air, being battered by wind and threatened by monster squirrels, and watching your friend bleed out seems like a GREAT time to maybe have some doubts about your career path. What makes Z a different person at the end of this story than she was at the start? I’m terrible at titles, sorry. If I think of something brilliant I’ll let you know. As I read: P1 “This was the last stage…” Oh, so they’re already in the race? The “this is going to be a hell of a race” comment above made it sound like the race hadn’t actually started yet. P2 “into a soft turn…” if they’re still waiting for go-ahead, why is she turning the ship? Also, I have some logistical questions at this point. Not sure I need actual answers right now, but this seems to imply that all the racers are grounded at checkpoints and need to be cleared to take off at the same time, which would seem to defeat the purpose of any prior racing. Or is the idea just to do racing on a bunch of different worlds and get the lowest overall time? Is the transit between planets incidental or part of the race? P2 “Rain streaked like comets” nice. “Only Z’s eyes moved, always calculating.” Is she calculating if L is reading her the notes? “Another win closer to being a professional.” Ah-hah. I wonder if this should come earlier. I had assumed they were professional, given the scale of the race and that L is old enough to have children who can make him jewelry. It’s just occurred to me… why do they need space suits if they’re flying in atmosphere? Or do they exit atmosphere later as part of the race? I wonder if Z and L need to encounter one close call in the very early pages, before the crash. While they’re obviously doing something dangerous and the weather isn’t cooperating, things seem to be, broadly, going to plan, so there’s not much tension before the crash itself. p3“Turning off the entire ship…” So… is the race now? If it is, I’d expect that possibility to register for Z sooner than it does, even if fleetingly while she deals with the other more pressing stuff. P4 “the sky to the left” So Z is then on the “top” side of the spaceship with L below her (assuming the pilot’s side is on the same side of the vehicle as the driver’s seat in a North American car)? This isn’t clear at all, either here or in the description below where she’s helping him. “N didn’t have a breathable atmosphere” Okay THIS would have been good to know sooner. When the ship started screaming about a hull breach a page or so ago, I assumed that was an automated thing complaining because the ship was also used to flying in vacuum. I suppose this somewhat explains the space suits, but unless they ARE transitioning from atmosphere to outer space as part of this leg of the race, a rebreather seems like it might be a better bet (depending on the composition of the atmosphere, I suppose). Also… if they have two oxygen tanks that require Z to manually do things, right now in this moment, before they are active… what have they been breathing? Has their oxygen been slowly running out this whole time? Because if so, that’s a thing you should probably mention. P6: if the oxygen was being supplied BY THEIR SUITS then I feel like a giant hunk of metal through it would be a problem, yeah. “The silence meant CT had landed everyone” Oh. It doesn’t mean that Z turned the entire ship off? P7: I’m amazed this dude’s still conscious. Grain of salt and all because I can’t even decide myself if the “medical drama” component of this scene is going on too long. I sort of think it might be? But I’m waffling. The constant reminders of the cold are nice and atmospheric, but each time you mentioned it I am baffled as to why their ship suits wouldn’t protect them from cold. That seems like a necessary thing if they’re going to be flying through places without atmosphere etc. p8: Wait this storm is still going on? I had no idea. I’ve gotten a pretty good idea of what’s going on inside the ship – limited oxygen, dripping water, blood and emergency foam – but not outside the ship. Where is the rain pattering against the windshield? The wailing of wind through the branches or the swirling of debris along the cliff face? The rocking of the ship as it bumps and rattles into the cliff face or whatever is pinning it down, which would make first aid or doing other manual procedures probably pretty annoying and right now probably also hurts like hell? As soon as she opens the door we basically get everything I was just talking about. But I think we should be seeing more of it before she does, so the storm doesn’t seem like it was waiting for the characters to do something to be inconvenient. Z thinking she needs to close the door before the ship floods and then immediately starting to mess around with the distress flag seems like she’s disregarding her own thought process. Not sure why Z’s oxygen levels would be significantly lower than L’s. On the one hand: Hooray for rescue! On the other hand, and I realize that Z’s earlier actions would definitely have contributed to it, but since it’s the crux of the story I think it would be good for that ultimate moment of rescue to feel a little more active rather than the characters waiting and hoping. Does the radio come on and Z give them some landmarks that can guide their rescuers? Does L undergo some further/worsening medical emergency and Z has to scramble to do something further to help? Does the creature decide to go after her instead of the flag, and she has to race to get back into the ship and get the door closed before it munches on her and L? Struck me as a bit odd that Z doesn’t seem to feel/mourn, even a little bit, the loss of her ship.

Yes and yes, though not necessarily "vulnerable" in the sense that "even horrible, puppy-kicking villains feel lonely sometimes." It's more that I have no idea how he deals with adversity, because in the story of his own mind, he hasn't experienced any. He gets turned down and doesn't even pause to re-evaluate. The setback or moment of doubt can be a very effective hook if readers are waiting to see how the character will pull this off/what horrible thing they're going to next, but we didn't get that here - even a moment of frustration that he's going to be delayed/have to do something he doesn't want to accomplish his aims/whatever it is. If he thinks he gets what he wants no matter what happens I don't really need to keep reading to find out that he gets what he wants. And clearer in what he wants to do, yes, but also acting with some sort of sense to achieve that goal, which I think dovetails nicely with your comment about using him as a device to create external conflict. That can totally work, but if he doesn't act according to some sort of internal logic then the conflict is in danger of seeming artificial and being frustrating rather than interesting. Probably a good decision! No doubt there are ways to accomplish this, hopefully we can help you find them Glad you found it helpful!

Congrats on your first sub! I definitely think there’s the bones of an interesting story here. I trust you won’t be offended, though, if I say that I hope the POV character dies at least one horrible, screaming death, because I can only assume how I’m supposed to feel about him. That isn’t necessarily a problem, especially for a prologue, but he did straddle the line between “antagonist” and “cartoon villain” and is unfortunately coming down on the wrong side of it. Assuming that my experience of him was in the general ballpark of what you’re going for, I suspect landing him on the “right” side of this divide could be accomplished by tweaking a couple of things. One, we have no idea what he wants or why he wants it. I think it would be quite natural for the professor to ask him what he wants, or clearly resist the urge to, etc etc. And two, we don’t really see him deflated or contemplating defeat at any point in this chapter. It’s clear that he’ll get what he wants, if only in his own mind, which undermined the tension somewhat. Onto your questions: 1. For the most part, yes, though I suspect I wouldn’t have been if it had gone on much longer. I noted the points where my engagement slipped below. 2. I’m assuming some kind of fae (changeling maybe?) that can't lie. I don’t really think we need more on this point. 3. Yes, hard to tell. Those early chapters would have to continue to lay some groundwork for MA’s appearance in later chapters, and I’d definitely want to see at least one of the characters from the prologue make a reasonably early appearance. 4. Mmm maybe? I don’t think that a throwaway line in the prologue would get me to stop reading on this basis, especially since the dead spouse isn’t somehow dead as a result of being queer, which is kind of the quintessential version of the trope. I’d probably read right over it unless we started getting more dead queer characters. That said, I acknowledge don’t have the same relationship to this trope as some folks do. 5. Definitely! That said, I want to note that this absolutely did not read like a YA romance, so it may be worth adjusting the prologue to give readers a more accurate expectation of the rest of the book. As I read: “...train a chimp to obey traffic laws” this is pretty telling about how M views the professor, it’s the first line that sticks out to me as suggesting the professor is less than human as opposed to other than M seems like he’s antagonizing the professor a bit, which seems unwise since I’m pretty sure he’s about to ask for her help. Edit: Yep there it is! Second edit: A couple pages later, I’m STILL questioning his “start with the threats and antagonism” strategy. I assumed the dead spouse was public knowledge but going through private medical records is a pretty big deal. Also, whyyyy hasn't she just thrown him out yet. The conversation on the second page seems a bit all over the place. Opioid epidemics, institutional bias, dead spouses… it seems there’s plenty of conflict here but I don’t feel quite anchored enough to parse it. Maybe if M says what he wants first and some of the rest of this back-and-forth can happen as he attempts to persuade her? By about the middle of the first page, I was pretty sure I didn’t like M. By the bottom of the second page, I was dead certain. p4 and the “CEO” appellation is getting a bit old. I get that she’s returning some of the antagonism in kind, but repeated often enough it feels a bit silly. “In the end, MA will get what he wants…” I think this would work if we saw him coming back around to this position after a setback, but the fact that he doesn’t seem fazed at all by the professor’s approval deflates the tension somewhat, since it doesn’t feel like a setback happened at all. The last line feels maybe a little too on-the-nose, especially since there’s already been a couple references to “hunting” and “prey,” but maybe it won’t feel that way if some of the other things I mention get addressed.

And then they never heard from him again...

Overall: About the chapter overall, I really don’t have much to add. GF does come off as a little young, here, with her focus on the hero thing, but given she’s spent the last six years alone in a spaceship that’s probably okay. Other than that I thought character and pacing were all good. My biggest issue was reconciling the timeline of current events against GF’s six-years-out-of-date knowledge, especially when juxtaposed against the flashback chapters. I had to check several times to make sure I wasn’t in one. Also… if it took GF six years to get here, is it going to take her six years to get back? Last thought is I am still side-eyeing the structure a little bit, as I think the two flashback chapters are setting us up to expect more of the same. Of course, if there ARE going to be more, that’s not necessarily a problem. I had no particular comments on the epigraphs, btw. As I read: “...only detached eyeballs and…” Okay, as viscerally effective as this is, I have to wonder: would there really be eyeballs LEFT after a planet-sized explosion? Especially if said eyeballs had been drifting in hard vacuum for any amount of time? P2 did GF take a six-year journey not-rescue At? Has At been needing to be not-rescued for that long? P4 “out of the last jump with…” I feel like “with” is the wrong word here Well, I guess that’s one way to collect DNA… “...hammered flat from a previously spherical shape” oooh is that one of the doohickeys? P5 “any questions beyond cost” stumbled on this, maybe “beyond what it cost”? “definitively not transparent” wait how big is this thing if it’s obstructing her view that much? “She need to fuel before her next jump anyway” hopefully she has the fuel…? And a lot of food if she’s waiting around for inertia? P6 “rainbow of frosted metals” nice description here Okay, I’m getting confused about the timeline here. Most of O/GF’s internal dialogue is about At being allowed to go back home, but nothing about that minor detail where At is now one of the three people ruling Ard, which seems like it’d have some bearing on whether or not At gets to go home. (Did they not let At go home after she became an e, btw? I don’t recall but that seems like a thing they might have reasonably revisited.) Also, this is reading very much like O has a crush on At. EDIT: Okay, hang on, think I’ve pieced together the timeline. O left N the planet for years ago and has been out of the loop ever since, hence all this about absolution and rescuing At. If that’s correct, maybe hang a lantern on this because I’ve spent the last few pages getting increasingly confused. I think the flashbacks contribute; I had to check the timestamp at the front of the chapter two or three times to confirm this wasn't one. Also … O must have been relatively close when the explosion happened, yes? Maybe WRS, but what is it in particular that’s lead O to Priutcu? “...passing by in another half hour at her current coast.” My first thought was that her ship must be moving awfully quickly, especially for something that’s mostly intended to be flown on planets. But I suppose if the debris cloud of the planet has been expanding, this could make sense? “...put the remains of her rounds into ship repair” Isn’t this system outside the, uh, Systems? Why is she assuming anyone lives there and that they take the same sort of currency? +10 spaceship name, but I would have expected nothing less Oh, so it’s NOT an unoccupied system. “Can you mine?” At first I thought there was a missing word like “send” but now I realize that’s not the case. Maybe “can you mine them” would clear up the confusion? I mean… they’ve definitely heard of Ardulum. It’s right there in the ship name. I am digging the “not a chance” nail polish. Do I already know what nail polish brand this is? Not understanding the significance of the image though. Is this the personnel on the K ship, or…? P 16 “Heroes didn’t get blown up pirates” by It feels like the conversation between O and B goes on way too long considering the FTL drive only has 50 seconds to engage before they lose the tow and start talking… I am enjoying her yelling at her computer, though. Last line: Well, that figures.

Overall: I think the pacing is probably a bit too gentle, if not in general, than for a first chapter. There is a fair bit of worldbuilding that I think could probably trimmed or maybe just re-distributed. Especially in the early pages, there was a lot of “line of dialogue, followed by brief explanation” that became fairly noticeable after a few times, plus a somewhat lengthier explanation on I think page 4. You could probably get away with it in a later chapter but maybe not what you want here. I also wanted a clearer arc for S, as it wasn’t clear to me that they’d changed their mind about going to to N...S or what prompted them to (maybe?) change their mind. Lastly, and maybe relatedly, I wonder if it would be more impactful for us (and S) to actually see Ambassador F trying to stop the witches, and maybe S even intervenes, rather than being told about it after the fact? As I read: I like the first line! The second line, however, goes on a bit too long and sort of deflates the punchiness of the first, IMO. SOMETHING TOOK THEIR SNACKS?! p2 “Laughter broke out of his mouth” kind of an awkward description I’m assuming S is early-to-mid-teens, btw, based on the “blah blah blah” comment about their mother especially. p5: Is it normal for the els to whisper threatening/ominous things? Because this seems like an escalation from earlier contacts (S fighting against their destiny, and S distrusting the els for their abilities, not necessarily their actions). If it IS an escalation (as opposed to S maybe understating the els’ intent), is there a trigger for that escalation? “...but none felt like ambassadors.” Hmm interesting. I didn’t realize S was expecting to meet additional people on this journey other than Ambassador F himself. Or were they? P6 “Well, at least a part of her.” Not immediately clear that “her” refers to the ocean Also, given S’s reluctant to engage with the els at all, their willingness now to tap into the els and especially what is apparently the boss elemental, seems to come a little quickly. “I will guide you, wordy child” lol Given my comment above, it might be helpful to get the bit about S feeling more at ease with A than other els sooner. P8 “hair reminiscent of cirrus clouds” nice description! Wait, I thought S already knew Ambassador F? “Maybe a little murder” Okay this is a fantastic line “...fertilizer for an apple tree.” I wonder if we need to see this line sooner. It’d go a long way towards explaining S’s hesitance around them and maybe allow you to trim some of the less evocative description. “Do you understand why you have to go?” Since I’m calling the line out anyway, I’ll note that it should be “now” and not “know” at the end, but my main point here is that I don’t think we’ve clearly seen this shift in S from not wanting to go to becoming resigned to it/accepting of it. “There was still a time to find a way out of…” and now they’re back to not wanting it again. How do I become a solar-barge-woman? I am super on-board for this crossover universe, I'm just saying

Good luck!

Looks like we have a full roster this week with@shatteredsmooth, @kais, @C_Vallion, @Snakenaps, and @Ace of Hearts.

A) I'm coming down on the side of "yes." It's a solid piece of character building that fills in the connection between the two of them in a way that a line or two of reminder/summary in the prose doesn't, I think. B) Being late to the party on last week's sub I'll give this question a pass. In general, I'd think this was a "beginning of story" thing, but I'm hesitant to suggest that here because you've got another one of those and that might be a stumbling block for readers. I'm kind of wondering if there's a way to integrate some of the highlights of the two flashback chapters directly into the prose, instead, but that's just a thought experiment at this point... C) Length is good, IMO. Chapter is admirably tight and does what it needs to do, and especially for a flashback, shorter is probably better. As I read: “GF prayed for her to slip and into the river.” One, missing word, I assume it should be “fall in.” Two, HAH. Having a bit of trouble picturing the actual layout of the scene though. The “making love” comment had me assuming that they were inside the settee – but I guess there are two that are outdoors? Also, wouldn’t it make more sense for these two guards to do whatever training thing they’re doing in proximity of all the other guards who are apparently somewhere over the horizon? Edit: Ah, okay, she wandered off from the group. I hope GF did not turn her comm on before muttering about poop and egos. P2 “…the shuttering flowers” should probably be “shuddering”? GF seems a lot more confident than I would be in just doing my own thing if I were at the first day of a new job and one of my colleagues kept verbally abusing me… P6 “memorizing versus for your ceremony” should be “verses” “I have no interest in that” seems a little formal. “A possible sighting” of what? I need to know so I can decide how I feel about GF basically abducting a kid to go take a look. Edit: about 2 seconds after I typed this, I realized it was probably the planet, which is proven to be a good hunch a few lines later so… false alarm, I guess?

Congrats on your first sub! Overall: I’m getting a strong Gothic sense, both in terms of tone and the tropes, which was very clear throughout. I thought this did reasonably well as a slow-burn narrative. I did think it was sometimes too slow, both because my attention wandered in places (see below) and because the Gothic slow burn is at odds with the end of the chapter in which the count very quickly reveals his entire deal (which Gothic narratives generally do not do that early if at all). More buildup in the middle could help reconcile the two and make sure we’re engaged, as well as introduce the actual supernatural aspects a bit more naturally. I literally this wasn't sure this was speculative fiction in the modern sense until the Count revealed himself. I’m not invested in any of the characters at the moment, including our POV. Which, yes, another function of Gothic narratives, but it’s something to keep in mind, if only from a saleability standpoint; modern literature tends to be a lot more character-heavy than your average Henry James novel. On the subject of characters, I would also really like it if the women did, well, anything at all. It’s fine to portray people restricted by their circumstances, but these ones have no personality, to the point that when they appeared in the story my reaction was literally “where did they come from”? Another trope I don’t love: the fat character being the obvious villain. It’s pretty overplayed, and the fact that C is an antagonist is telegraphed strongly enough that I don’t think it adds anything. As I read: A’s sister seems to appear out of nowhere when G falls on her. And is Mrs. L A’s sister, or someone else because if so she also seems to appear out of nowhere. “Welcome, the affluent…” Describing someone to their face as “affluent” struck me as a bit weird. P3 Spellcheck won’t catch this one, “… as the L’s were all accounted for” no apostrophe after the L “Count C… the demon.” I mean if that’s the twist, I’m on board. I question why he would telegraph it like this, though. “I did not invite you here to gossip.” I’ve been wondering about this. I do note the foreshadowing about C being more than he seems, but I think some hint of why they’re here is due or even overdue. My attention is slipping and a sense of what this encounter is driving towards could go a long way. “...looked dotingly at his daughter.” Um, even if she’s not supposed to talk, can she, you know, react at all? Well, you definitely have my attention again after encountering the amazing groaning toilet. I’m very creeped out (which is fine) and also completely baffled as to how the count keeps this a secret (which is less fine). P6 “desert was eaten” should be “dessert” My mind is wandering again. Did they not talk about anything of consequence for the whole dinner? Wild theory time: A was spared from whatever’s about to happen to his family because he’s vegetarian? For reasons? “...though someone vomited on me as I did so.” Hah. I would like a clearer picture of what A actually did in the fight, but hooray, A did something! He’s been pretty passive up to this point. The POV shift on the last page seems abrupt, especially going from third limited to third omniscient. And the Count cackling about his plans is not doing much for me - this all seems to be standard "evil villain" stuff, not actual character development. If the count is meant to be an actual character then I think we need to see some of that - assuming the camera is focused on him. If he really is just a monster who needs to feed... you might be able to get away with that in a Gothic story, but you might need to shift the way you think about him from an antagonist (character) to a plot device (force that acts on the character) - which probably means not giving him screen time to cackle about his evil plans (unless maybe he's doing it at the protagonists). It's definitely a thing in this subgenre, but I did feel it could be trimmed or condensed a bit. This is an excellent point. I wasn't fond of A's parents either - dad seemed like a jerk - but since M is the one who is maybe still alive she's the one who arguably matters most. This does seem like a great setup for lambasting some of the more unsavoury parts of the subgenre, if you're going for something more satirical. No the impression I've gotten so far though. yep good idea to tag this stuff. "SA" for sexual assault is the most appropriate one. Can always qualify that it's implied rather than explicit in your email/post. I think you could possibly marry this to epic fantasy, or at least, to adult fantasy. I definitely do not think you could marry this to YA fantasy without a massive overhaul. Addressing some of the show/tell, pacing, and characterization that people have already brought up will probably "modernize" the ms to an extent and make it feel more like fantasy than Gothic. That being said... it might be worth doing some market research and seeing what is out there for Gothic fantasy - it might be a small niche but there's gotta be some out there. We seem to be unanimous so far in the sense of the Gothic you bring to your work, so it is probably worth exploring further and seeing what other writers do with it.

Looks like we have @kais, @julienreel, and @C_Vallion for Monday.

So @kais and @C_Vallion for Monday!

Definitely, I think more of this would help. Probably a better solution than adding a scene. It did immediately make me wonder, but this is sort of undermined by the fact that MP is also in the database and can tell S is in there to boot, which is more suggestive of the database's security not being very good than it is of S's computer skills, to my mind. Also think this is a good idea. I sort of wondered about it too, because the comments about "buried in news feeds" made it seem like it was fairly widely known, but from your comments it seems like that's NOT the case, which it would help to understand.

I am not genderfluid, so the usual grain of salt applies, but I think the thing to keep in mind here is that that a person who is genderfluid may shift between different gender identities regardless of what their body is doing or what sexual characteristics they exhibit (which is not the same as a change in personality, of course). What you described, both in the narrative and in your post just now, sounds more like a change in biological sex, where the body's physical characteristics shift. If these particular aliens change both biological sex AND gender identity, I think the point that @kais is making is that you need to be deliberate about communicating the fact that these aliens do both. One way of doing that is to remember that gender identity isn't going to be heterogeneous across the population. It may very well make sense that a race of sex-shifting aliens has a higher population of people who are genderfluid, but there still going to be people for whom that isn't true - there are going to people who have fixed gender identities regardless of what their body is doing. Yeah, so I think the issue (for me, at least) is that this didn't really feel like a change, per se. Threatening to start an investigation isn't really that, well, threatening unless we have the context to understand why it's a threat; and the revolutionaries already seem irritable and prone to squabbling (Ti in particular) and probably out to further their own agendas. I got the impression that Ti might be willing to kill Ek, yes, but not that Ti was more or less willing to do so than before.

Overall: There’s certainly some interesting stuff here, I think, but at the end of the sub I’m left wondering how this chapter moves the story forward. Ti starts the chapter being angry and frustrated and,.. ends the chapter being angry and frustrated, and we’re not really in a substantially different place on p6 than we were on page 1. We don’t have enough information to substantiate the threat that Ek may or may not represent (aside from her obvious blunder) so even the “investigation” doesn’t seem like much except somebody venting frustration against a coworker. It definitely feels like there is the basis of a solid political intrigue here, but intrigue has to have a pretty delicate balance between too much information and not enough, and right now this is definitely falling on the side of “not enough.” Plus, I’d like to see somebody take more substantive action over the course of the chapter. As I read: “Fire was breaking out all over the station…” A bit of a nitpick but this sounds literal until I get to the next sentence. Why is G making a show of subservience to Ti if they all know Ti is not in charge? Not sure what it means to be “good at” being male or female? Is this just a reference to Ti being snappish, or is there some sort of cultural knowledge bound up in these aliens’ ability to sex change? Curious about the way the En work too. It sounds like they’ve maybe only recently attained sentience/the ability to think independently? “...humans and their permanent genders” it’s starting to seem a bit weird that Ti is so stuck on the En who decide to present as one gender identity. (See also all of the excellent points @kais has already made about sex vs. gender and sex-swapping aliens.) Okay, starting to have trouble keeping track of the implications of the various things that are being thrown out here. So the Bes think Ek is a god, fine. Are they same as the sad? It’d be good to have some sense of the actual stakes here. We know they’re voting, but have no idea what the consequences of the vote are rather than finding another figurehead – and since the vote may or may not be permanent and Ek has said she’ll abide by whatever decision is made, it doesn’t hold a lot of weight. “Who’s ready for an emergency meeting?” Okay, this is both hilarious and further convincing me that these revolutionaries do not actually know what they’re doing. If that’s what you’re aiming for I am now on board 100%. “Who programmed this?” I mean, fair question, but it sounds like Ti has encountered this thing many times before. His annoyance here reads as mostly performative, not convincing. Why is LN famous? It seems at last fairly common for the En to imitate the forms of their, um, masters (the language there is kind of uncomfortable, of course, but I suspect it’s supposed to be). So obviously Ti has his own agenda, and it’s good to see that sort of confirmed here, but I’d really like something more than vaguely ominous hints about it by now. “Background” is not terribly specific. If Ti is worried about what’s happened to Ek since things have apparently changed in the last two years, why not focus on that? “Background” sounds like, I don’t know, a standard criminal records check or something. Similarly the comments around Ek: “investigate her background” is a bit of a letdown; Ti is hardly making a specific threat, and I don’t have a ton of faith in the ability of any of these revolutionaries to follow through on it anyway. I assume that it’s supposed to be building off the reference in the (first chapter? Prologue?) along the lines that Ek did not actually exist, but again, that’s not a particularly specific threat: I don’t know what that means for Ek, or any of the other characters, or their cause, and I’m not invested enough in the character that I’m worried about a non-specific something bad that might happen to her later if someone apparently on the same side as her decides she’s a nuisance. I do get the sense that there are some significant things happening in the background of all this, which is great, but we’re far enough along that I would like at least some sense of what those things actually are.

Not much to say from me. I think the changes that you’ve made work well and it certainly works as a first chapter for me. I’d agree that there isn’t an obvious place to pad it out – it ends at a good point and the arc feels complete. I do think it’s possible that beefing up S’s longing for a history could make the chapter potentially a little more powerful, especially for new readers who are only getting very glancing bits of S’s history, but I’m not sure how that would translate into a scene where actual consequential things happen, since it really doesn’t seem like this chapter is missing much. As it stands though, I think the why of S is doing this is clear enough, and it's a good punchy start. As I read: “She shouldn’t have been poking around in archival records, especially not restricted ones.” Could be WRS and I’m just forgetting some of her capabilities from previous books but if they’re restricted to that level, why does she have access anyway? Edit: The fact that MP is also in the database and can pinpoint who is viewing it with enough precision to send them a message also suggests to me that this restricted database has the security of a good strong piece of Swiss cheese. “…referred to by Y as his ‘love handles’” I like the sentence but the antecedent is unclear, maybe swap the order of this sentence around? It’s been a while since I read the previous version of this conversation so I can’t pinpoint exactly why, but this version of the conversation definitely feels more effective than the last time I saw it. I think perhaps S’s contact is being a little more up-front with the information provided? I like it. More information about the problem that the exploded planet poses too. All good here! “Want to come meet N and I for some grub?” Hadn’t they already made plans to go for dinner a few pages up? I assumed we were not, but I also have questions. And for the record, I really want to see how one "cauterizes" space. So far so good, I think. The mention of Pruitcu in the prologue intro was pretty glancing, but I'd expect that of an intro, where we're sort of primed to look for small connections to the rest of the story, so I think that's fine. The Pruitcu issue comes through through much more strongly here and as long as it does so reasonably strongly in the next chapter as well I think this will work fine. Forgot to mention but I noticed this too, I definitely think this chapter does a good job of tying in stuff from the prologue intro. I don't think these were in the original trilogy, were they?

Quiet week so if you can get it out today I'd say good to go. And doesn't hurt to tag me for the last minute stuff, thanks @kais!

Sneaking in way too late, as usual… I always enjoy scenes between Ir and the BK, and I like that the dynamic between the two of them seems to have shifted a little bit, with Ir finally asking some smart questions. However… I’m really not sure what she’s gotten out of the conversation by the end of it? It doesn’t seem to me that the BK has made any concessions, really, or provided her with any new information – and she doesn’t even feel better about her involvement with the dead spy, although the BK puts up a reasonably convincing argument - so what is it that pushes her towards staying on the contract? I also think that maybe the thing about name knowledge strengthening charms needs to be built up a little earlier, either as a red herring or an actual thing. Maybe this is WRS but it seemed to come a bit out of nowhere to me. I like the actual scene and would certainly be happy to read more of it, but I keep wondering why it didn’t happen earlier, if it’s important. I almost hesitate to say this, since I think that my comments have been coloured by your own complaints about I being a passive protagonist, but I’m really feeling it here. I am definitely itching for her to do something (not for things to be happening, they are and that’s good!) What would she have done if she hadn’t been summoned to the BK? During the days when she was waiting (?) for a summons, could she have tried to figure out what the BK actually wanted with her somehow? Conversely, could she have tried to go back to her old life – attempted to repair her relationship with her sister, or reached out to her restaurant friends, or something? It feels like Ir has gotten better about seizing opportunities that are put in front of her, but not so much going out and making her own. Having skimmed through the comments – I didn’t notice so much the scattered feeling others are mentioning while reading, but in retrospect I think that’s fair. I’d say @kais's comments about cutting the first and last scenes are probably good ones, as neither contributes much to the forward motion of the chapter. As I read: How big is a “unicorn-sized goblet”? Enquiring minds want to know! “...knowing names of bankers, businessmen, merchants!” I’m glad this is getting called out again, because it was only ever described the once (I think) and then dropped, and it does seem we should eventually discover where that’s going. I’m struggling a bit with Ir’s decision to continue the contract. She seemed so certain in the last chapter, and then here, she changes her mind – going back to status quo – without really getting anything meaningful from the BK, as far as I can tell. p12 “everything I knew was always regulated…” Don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for here. “Relegated” maybe? But even that doesn’t quite make sense in this context. More like “limited” which has its own, well, limitations. p13 “...die cranky and wrinkling” I assume “wrinkly”? Though I’m on board with the idea of using “wrinkling” as a verb in this context, honestly. P14 “voice pitched slight too high” slightly “No, an impossibility.” I mean, Ir’s just finished telling her family that maybe the BK isn’t so bad after all and nobody’s argued, so this romance doesn’t really seem all that star-crossed. Maybe WRS, but who is O? Ah, so he’s the charms person. Introduction seemed a little abrupt. “Used to be? When had she started thinking like that?” Nice detail here. “I hadn’t even known n-ks where a thing” this particular piece of dialogue jumped out, the tone of the book has been fairly modern but definitely not that modern. I like “whispers droned like honeybees”! Not sure the last little scene between her and the musicians is needed? It’s very short and doesn’t seem to move much forward – we already know the spring performances aren’t canceled. It could easily be part of a scene in a future chapter that focuses on the musicians, instead. o.O This made sense to me in the moment, in a "people are burned out by things being terrible in general" sort of way. I know I've beaten the drum in earlier chapters about the BK and his people not actually doing all that much to seem bad in the first place, but after the events of the last few chapters, especially for Ir's family in particular, I thought this worked okay here. I think I'm out of actually intelligent things to say but this mental image made me chortle.

Works for me as well. Looks like we have @C_Vallion and @kais up for tomorrow.