kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ

HEHEHHEHEH

ITS TIME FOR EVERYBODYS FAVORITE GAME

* clears throat *

And the name of the game is

How Many Hours of Sleep Did Kajsa Get Last Night?

*sobs*
 

i’m on my last brain cell i swear to heaven

forget hydration and sleep

i have eight classes worth of homework to do by monday

i still have half a room and more to deep clean after company leaves

dishes to wash

litter boxes to clean

my favorite leggings are covered in flour

my hands still smell like toilet bowl cleaner

i have a headache

i’m scudding HUNGRY

somebody help

oh and did I mention I screwed up my back even worse

my ankle is still having issues

i have a science report to write worth 5% of my grade and it has extremely poor instructions

i’M rOmAnTiCaLlY lOnElY

Aaaaaaaanyways

i'm in two kinds of love right now

1. platonic love with my best friend I LOVE HER SO MUCH i literally need to write her like 20 poems and a 70 page letter

2. also in love with a fictional relationship between fictional characters but DAMMIT, OKAY? I LOVE THEM AND I'M GOING TO LOVE THEM FOREVER. END OF STORY. COUNTER-ARGUMENTS ARE NOT BEING ACCEPTED AT THIS TIME. 

now to finish some super annoying bio homework lesgoooooooooooooo  

*clears throat*

Fill your cup halfway with egg nog. 

Fill the rest with milk.

Stir it.

Fricking enjoy it because it's delicious and you fricking deserve it.

you guys know that feeling of being completely and totally out of energy even for the things you want to do, yet at the same time you're impatient to keep... going? To keep doing, keep checking off the boxes, keep rushing into tomorrow? And yet you're completely drained of energy?

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

cuz that's me right now. i'm so ready for thanksgiving break already... but i hate to think of the changes it might bring. I really struggle with change; that's where most of my mental problems stemmed from. We were talking about our ballad (Au Revoir by One Republic) over the weekend at show choir and what it was really about, and my director literally made me and some other kids cry. I didn't, like, actively cry, but I couldn't see through my tears and had to violently pick at my fingernails with shaky hands to keep the tears from spilling over. Everything he said just hit me so hard. He talked about how sometimes people grow apart and never know why, and sometimes you can just never get close again no matter how hard you try, how some relationships can't be fixed or healed, and how hard it is to cope with change. He talked about the melancholy, tragic feeling that inevitably accompanies nostalgia, and how it's extremely difficult to accept that things are different now. It's hard to accept that the people around you are changing, and before you know it, you've changed too, and now nothing in your life is constant. He said so much more, too, but it struck me hard and gave me insight into why I had such a struggle last year.

The shift into something new from last school year into this one, as well as leaving the lds church, on top of leaving so many of my friends behind and knowing that my whole life was going to change forever really unsettled me and got me caught in this... ghastly loop of self-blame and hatred, longing for what I couldn't have, jealousy, depression, anxiety, unrealistic distortions and views on the world and my life, etc. 

I realized over the weekend that change is the stem of so many of my mental issues. The timeline of my struggles matches up with my realization (they started around the end of last school year--towards the end of show choir season--and got the worst over the summer, and I'm okay now that things are stable), and it honestly makes so much sense. I wasn't upset because of the way my family was, the homework load I had, the gaps I'd created in my friendships, or anything else. I was upset because my life was being literally uprooted by huge changes, and I had no clue how to cope. 

I think that one SU I wrote about post-show depression after my musical was my plummet into the deep end. Crying myself to sleep became a common occurrence, and I was so dreading the start of a new life that I turned to self-harm during the summer. It all mostly stemmed from change.

Knowing this now, I think I'll be better able to prevent situations like my mental health crisis. It also explains why I'd felt such a deep connection and literally sobbed the first time I heard Au Revoir. It's an incredibly beautiful song and y'all should go listen to it.

Wow, that was a long tangent, but I had to get those thoughts out somewhere. Props to you if you're still reading xD

anyways, I should go do my homework. 

I'm so grateful for you all. I love you so much.

"We don't need to be related to relate
We don't need to share genes or a surname
You are, you are
My chosen, chosen family
So what if we don't look the same?
We been going through the same thing, yeah
You are, you are
My chosen, chosen family."

-Chosen Famliy by Rina Sawayama

I'm sick  

but still at school so yay that's fun...

how are you guys

This latte is delicious. Not so much when it mixes with my chapstick, but it's delicious.

Is the S or the C in "scent" silent?

I just had a mind blowing moment of realization—

“Already Gone” by Sleeping At Last’s chord progression is the same as “Rise Up” by Andra Day

I shall demonstrate

I have to hang out tonight with someone I don't want to hang out with. 

And I can't back out of it.

i just don't have the energyyyyyyyyyyyyy........................ whatdoido *sobbbbbing*