Mags

I'm going blonde

jk

Allow me to drop all of my raw infiltered thoughts on you now

Man these past few days have been so weird and I'm really really bad at getting stuff done when I don't have school, I have the time-management skills of a chimpanzee. I had a writing project that I wanted to finish before the end of December and I've written three pages . Now that we're past new years, I have some school stuff I have to get down before class starts again in a few days and I did none of it today.

I spent like 2 hours looking for something to listen to while I drew, because I have to listen to something or I start loosing my mind . . . luckily I did eventually find a playlist and did some drawing, though it's not my best.

Reading-wise I haven't gotten very far in Wat yet, not even done with Day 1 as of now. These days go by so so fast, and maybe it's because I sleep in till 11:30 and then feel like the day is over when it get's dark at 5:00, but it's also my doomscrolling problem hahahahha

I'm going to start keeping a reading journal this year, I got a nice notebook for Christmas that I'm setting it up in and stuff. It's not as aesthetic as the ones online, though I did try to do some nice headers and side decorations, it's a little rough around the edges. I'm trying to tell myself that's a good thing though, if I try to make it pretty it'll be too time consuming to use. I think I'm less going to track stats, as is the trend online, and more have long entries on my thoughts for each book. I don't really have the funds to buy every book I love or want to read, so having a place to document what I have read and my thoughts will be nice. I have tried a few of the online sites made for book tracking, but I'm always dissatisfied with it so we're trying this instead. Another reason to finally figure out how to use Notion but . . . oh well.

I'm also tabbing WaT as I read it through the first time, which is something I've never done before. I really want to get into annotating my books because it seems like such a fun and wonderful thing to do, but I'm not brave enough to write in my supe nice and brand new copy of WaT, so removable tabs it is. My family members who aren't really in the book space online were completely baffled by the concept of tabbing a fiction book, and a non-classic one at that, but I'm having fun so whatever. (Shout-out to my sister for being the only one who didn't think it was mildly insane lol, she even told me she's trying to tab Dune as she reads it). I am of course a little worried I'm over tabbing, or doing more then I should but it's not hurting anything. Maybe as I go, I'll cut out categories but so far it's working alright.

I have been writing some here and there, though I haven't posted any of it here. Enough for me to consider it a hobby of mine, even though I'm super slow. I finished a short story earlier this month that I'm pretty happy with but . . . I haven't shared it here because it's Silmarillion fanfiction and makes no sense without previous knowledge of the characters or head canons it's based on. I do want to get around to writing some original stories, but it's really hard for me to solidify what's in my head, on paper. Fanfic is much easier, and has been my slow baby steps into prose-style story telling.

As for the new year, I'm trying not to think too hard about it honestly. This past year was really bad . . . maybe the worst year of my life and I'm sorry if I ever seemed whiny or dramatic as I shared pieces of how I felt here. I have a hard time talking to people irl about how I feel because *strangled cry of despair.* So, suffice it to say I tend to come here when I need to vent because it feels like there's no where else. I appreciate you guys so much for sticking with me

I'm finally going to be able to go to doctor again in the next few months (I couldn't before for . . . reasons) and I'll try and bring up the mental health issues and see what happens. I'm kind of scared, but if I'm going for a checkup anyway, it's the best thing to do. That does mean I'll get new glasses soon which is always exciting, these old rims aren't really my style anymore.

Some of the really really bad stuff will hopefully not continue into this year. One of my family members has had some really serious health issues, but he's mostly on the other side of it all, so I'm hoping this year is a little less stressful.

The main thing that's gonna hit me like a train is graduation and starting college. Ahh the sweet leap of faith that is early adulthood, I've dreaded this for years but we're here. I think I'm kind of a late bloomer, or whatever, and my parents are pretty understanding. My mom keeps insisting I can take things slowly, which heaven knows I need. I've decided that college is absolutely the best path for me, even if I'm not 100% on what to major in yet. I need a few more years to learn and grow and emotionally mature. I realize it's not a good choice to romanticize college life in my head, and I certainly don't plan on going to parties or anything, but I've decided I need this time.

I still think I'll dread graduation, that's just how I am, but I also think that as I get closer it becomes less scary. I have no idea what I'm doing but so does everyone else my age. It's natural to be young and just a little bit foolish.

Anyway, one of my main resolutions this year is to take things in good humor as well as I can. That and learn to manage my time effectively, good grief.

Also I'm vowing not to cut my hair at all this year because I got a haircut on Dec. 2nd (yes I remember the exact date) and it looks BAD, I really really hate it. I need to accept that short hair doesn't work for me, because I've tried several times and it's iffy every time. That and long pretty hair seems so nice now that I've decided short is not my thing. So yeah. As a child I wanted to be one of those people who had waist or longer hair and I'm gonna fulfill that dream as best as I can because I want to feel prettyyyyyyy.

Luckily, my hair grows pretty quickly and it's already about a 1/4 inch longer and the silhouette is leaving Lucy Pevensie land. I think I will keep my bangs though, because they look nice with the longer hair.

It's a stupid thing to be serious about, but whenever I feel really dissatisfied with my life, or I'm really unhappy with who I am I get the urge to cut my hair because subconsciously I believe it'll make me feel or at least look like a brand new person. But of course that's not how it works. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this, but I need to let myself grow and change naturally--and at the same time accept my current progress as a person as 'good enough.' Growing my hair out is like that, I'm not gonna like it the next few months, but cutting it again isn't the solution. Any progress or self improvement isn't going to come as soon and as swiftly as a hair cut, that's something I want to truly learn.

I have some other goals of course, like the perpetual eat-better and exercise-more, but no concrete plans on how to do that. For now my goal is to eat more then one full meal each day because these past months have really gotten out of hand with that.

Maybe it's because I've gone through the 7 stages of grief and finally made it to acceptance, but I'm going into this year with some tentative optimism. Growing up is scary, but I was always going to grow up--I can't regret doing anything to stop it, because there was nothing to do in the first place.

When I turned 17 in April, I was so scared of turning 18 and the fact that it meant my childhood was over, but honestly? Right now I'm okay with it.

I had a pretty good childhood, if a uneventful one--though uneventful to some is peaceful to others. I refuse to say that I wasted my teen years or anything, even though I've spent more time in front of the computer then was probably good and I could've made a few more friends. But as I said before I need to take things slowly. I can't blame middle school me for spending all her time inside daydreaming because she was doing something that made her feel happy and safe.

And maybe it's the teenage angst, but I'm starting to feel a desire for independence more then ever. I wouldn't be happy staying a child the way I am forever anyway, so there's no need to dread a change.

Turning 18 and this next year is going to bring so many opportunities that will make me just as happy or happier then my life right now. 

At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

So in summary, slow healthy change is what I need, and that's the goal.

Taking a step out of overthinking land, I'm pretty excited because I won some prize money at my last fine-arts show and I think it's enough money to get some better digital art equipment. It's going to make digital art a lot easier for me, and will hopefully help me finish my current comic project and start a new one. This was the next step to starting up any kind of artistic income, and so I'm eager to get started. I don't know if I want to take commissions, or set up a tiny print-on-demand shop, but it's something. 

If there's anything I'm going to try to avoid procrastinating, it's going through with that.

Okay, school. School is starting for me on the 6th.

I have one last week of the old semester before the new one starts and I'll have new classes. I might try to switch my schedule around to get a study hour, but I'm pretty packed so we'll see.

These new classes will all be at one school (besides seminary) unlike the ones I have now, so I'm going to use the opportunity to try to make new friends as best as I can. While it is partially my lack of determination that I haven't had any progress in meeting new people, a 3 hour class where I sit silently at a desk in an almost empty room in a building across town hasn't helped.

So I guess that's another goal.

(And I should mention I'm not completely friendless irl, I have two best friends, but we can't meet up often and I don't have classes with the one, so I really would like to expand my social circle).

Senior year hasn't been anything special, the way it seemed it would. My dad always talks about his high school years as the peak of his life, but that hasn't been the case for me. That sentiment always bothered me--that I have to cherish my golden years of youth or that it only gets worse from here.

My high school experience has been a constant downhill, to be pragmatic. It will get better from here, I will make sure of that. I will do better and learn more and progress and meet good people and live such a wonderful life. We don't die at 25, we don't die when we start families or careers, we're still alive and I'm going to live till I die if it kills me.

uhhh I can't remember if there was anything else to ramble about

well it's not important if I forgot about it

I drank a few sips of an over-a-year-old protein shake yesterday and it didn't kill me even though I got ill, so I think that's a good omen.

Sorry for writing a lot, I have many thoughts and no void to scream them into. I have been trying to journal more, but writing for long periods of time makes my hand hurt and I'm reluctant to push through it. I need that bad boy for drawing, so I don't want to risk injury. Typing doesn't hurt at all though, clearly.

I like the idea of some SU's being life updates or sorta journal entries, but I realize long stuff like this might not be fun to read so I might start one of those blog thingies. That way people don't run into it if they don't want to see it.

Oh yeah, also:

Next semester, like I said, I'll have new classes. As a part of that I'm going to have more college classes so I'm going to be studying a lot more. Stat is already giving me a headache, but I'm adding Eng 1010 and Bio 1010 on top of that because I want to qualify for a scholarship my school has. It's going to be a lot, but this is something I really want to do and is good prep for actually college.

That does mean that I'll have less free time in and outside of class. I'm going to try to make time for the hobbies that help with my anxiety (reading specifically), but it might mean I'm less active here.

No promises of course! I'm not going anywhere, and while I've slacked on the rp's the last few weeks I'm going to try to jump back in with full force asap. Just a heads-up if I do have to step back later.

love you