The Halcyon Girl

The door opened and General Baure stepped just inside my office. “Sir?”

At that particular moment, I was pacing back and forth behind the walnut wood desk, but at the general’s arrival, knowing what this must mean, I stopped in my tracks. “Yes?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t sound as tight to him as it felt to me. 

“We’ve cornered the criminals,” he began. “You know they won’t come easily. My team awaits your orders.”

It’s not that easy, General, I thought desperately. You don’t get it. It’s not that easy. Those criminals are—were my closest friends. They believe in what they’re doing, General. 

“What are our options?” I asked, stalling. I knew what they were. But I couldn’t just let them die… but if I didn’t, bad things would happen to me. To my family. 

“We can retreat,” Baure began, “we can kill them, or we can attempt to capture them.”

I nodded, sweat beading on my forehead. I’d given the order to capture three times before, but they slipped through Baure’s fingers every time—with ease, like water. I couldn’t do that again. They’d never let me. But kill them? I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t kill Raiku, who stayed with me and idly talked with me about anything all day long, Chara, quiet and thoughtful, who used to patiently help me talk through problems, Jyr, who always brought a ready smile and citrus fruit from the market for each of us—and then, of course, the others, the ones who hadn’t been quite as much a part of our group, the neighbors and cousins and siblings. There were at least fifteen of them total, at Baure’s mercy—my mercy. 

“Sir?”

“Hmm?” I raised my eyes from the red carpeting, patterned with gold. I had carpets and tapestries and wooden roofs; they had grass and dirt, trees and bushes, and boundless skies. But at the core, we both wished for the same things. We both wished to be free of these people who made us enemies. Maybe they were the smart ones—I conformed while they struggled and lived free. But at least my family ate! At least for now, air filled their lungs and blood colored their cheeks. But if I gave the order to retreat, my superiors’ vengeance would be swift. I’d be the last to go. That’s how they worked. 

“Your orders, sir.”

“Ah. I… I need some time to think, General.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You sympathize with these criminals?”

“No,” I said quickly. Too quickly. “But they have information we need. Why be so hasty to kill them?”

General Baure sighed. “This was your reasoning last time, and the time before that. Carslile, it’s time to give up.”

Say it, just say it. Tell him you can’t, tell him you won't, tell him to leave them alone. You can still save them.

But my mind flashed to a memory of my two-year-old daughter. I can’t let that happen to her.

“Kill them.” The words sounded foreign, and it took several seconds to realize it was my own tongue that had formed them. “Advance and slaughter. You know the drill, General.”

He nodded and left, the door closing softly behind him.

I slumped against the wall, heart and head pounding. What have I done? 

    It had to be done, I told myself. Your family. Think of your family. 

    Impossible. All I could think of were those late nights out under the stars when all of us would chat and fall silent by turns, the way the laughter would overtake Jyr’s face, the steady calmness of Chara’s eyes and the deep comments Raiku made that would launch us into new channels of thought. 

    Stars and glory, I’d made a big mistake.

    I never thought I could feel this bad. Until I did. Oh, I did. 

    Somehow I knew the regret would never fade.

—Collected by AW

Adder Carslile was later brought in to identify the bodies of his fallen friends. The experience haunted him, but eventually he rose above it to become the most ruthless, uncaring leader the Devoted Ones could ever hope to see. Without his compassion and mercy, eventually he got rid of his own family—the very ones whose danger put him on the path to who he eventually became. At the age of 36, second in command of all the Devoted Ones (assumed to be first), Adder was finally killed by G. Macquoid as revenge for murdering her brother, Joel. All world and character material has been pulled from someday-to-be-bestseller Echo of Memory by K. L. Halcyon.