*hugs*
We're here for you, Calano. Life is confusing, and sometimes things just don't make sense. My deepest sympathies go out to you, and I hope you find peace and comfort during this difficult time. Here's a quote about hope that's been meaningful to me in the past:
“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear hardship today.” - Thich Nhat Hanh.