karamel

I AM TWIG I thought it was an eyeball. Also, hello and welcome!

Okay, here we go! Overall: I can see the things you set up and I would be interested to see where they go. I think this chapter could definitely use some tweaking to really pack a punch and drive things home, but the general idea is good! Female pov: I honestly think the pov was good. I could relate to a lot of it and it didn't feel weird at all (except for the.. the lip thing, but you probs know that by now) I mean, she is just a person. I don't know much about the world and how gender is viewed, but i don't feel like a creepy old dude wrote it so that's cool. Mental Health: Didn’t get any mental health vibes. She just seemed like a sadistic sort of person. I mean we all have those thoughts, right? It's a french term translating to “the call of the void.” Where you are holding a knife and you think like, “wow i could stab someone with this. There is so much power in my hands” but you know that you never will (i hope)... or like when you are driving on the freeway and you think about how you could just cause a huge accident with the flick of your wrist. That's the kind of vibe I got from her, not mental health. EDIT: Okay! I looked it up! the call of the void is under the umbrella of intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts can actually be a symptom of OCD! wow. learning is fun! I commented on the religion in my LBL so i wont say anything here. Also, I don’t really know enough to expand further. Page 1: -”They stood several stories” who stood? -”electric lights;” oooh are we at the dawn of the era where electricity exists? “C didn’t worry about missing anything.” because there were lights? I mean I guess. You could still miss things even with lights though, probably. -”possibly” -”That accentuated the pattern of” what accentuated the pattern? The frown? -”devotion to the “One God”.” this sounds condescending but idk if it was intentional -”a part of her thought.” with the italics before this, i dont think you need to say that she thought this, we can assume she is thinking this. And in the next line you can just say, “a part of her recoiled…” -“But they told me to—” I was under the impression that C was in charge here so when i first read over this, i thought C was dragging her sister down but it was D doing the dragging. Page 2: -”collecting her pens” Why were her pens on the railing? Is it important to the story? -”that was just rude.” I feel like you could word this sentence a bit better. It sounds like something someone might say today and not in a fantasy/sci fi story. -”looked up at D with amazement” why *glaring eyes and lips emoji* edit: oh cause she has a high position? -”keep up with D’s long strides.” okay wait. I thought C was in charge and her sister was just visiting. Why would this guy be consulting D? Page 3: -”ramming one of her pens” ohhh so they do have a purpose. Also this just makes me feel like she has some sort of grudge against him. -”a short, neat tail.” Do you mean a puff? -”Nobody stared at her… thank goodness” same. I, too, like not being looked at. I do not exist. *fades into the bushes* -”first suit of armor” im picturing like samurai armor, though i know it's not right. -”A reanimated automaton!” this whole scene didn't pack a punch like i think it should have. It kind of threw me off. Just seemed a little random to me. I mean, i know it’s supposed to be sudden… but it just didn’t hit me like I wanted it to. Page 4: -”ok” my gut is saying this should be “okay” -”Oh sparknuts.” i loled. “Geewilikers, grandpa! The robots have gone rogue!” -”She ripped her arm free and ran” reckless, aren’t we? Page 5: -”million years ago by tigers” oh this is in the future? -”bullet hole.” not gonna lie, I read this as “butthole” -”Something burst into existence” HOW CONVENIENT -”hand made of pure white fire.” g-god? -”emerged from the hole in the wall,” no, not god. Superman. -”beard were wavy, thick, and pure white.” no… god. -also, award for most dramatic entrance goes to this guy. Page 6: -”He touched the metal” he said, “Shhh, sweetie, don't give away my secrets.” Page 7: -”black bangs and large lips.” those lips better be VERY large for her to comment on them. Okay, in all seriousness, I feel like this could be offensive so maybe use– actually, dont use anything. Just don't mention the lips lol i mean i guess you could say plump lips. Maybe. Or maybe lips accentuated with a liner that made them look bigger than they were? I get the feeling that no one really likes her so maybe C is judging her. Also, I would be more descriptive about the bangs. Like, “black bangs” is boring, but something like “obsidian bangs that had the sheen of glass” is much more interesting and gives C character, too! Or, ya know, whatever. -”They laughed.” no one is phased by the giant mech that started yapping about finance?? -”What the--?” tip: if you are typing in google docs on a mac, you can press the option button and the dash button at the same time to get an em dash. You used to be able to just hit it twice and you would get an em dash but nooooo they had to make it more complicated. -”She turned C around.” like she grabbed her and literally turned her around? Page 8: -”woke up in darkness.” oooh mysterious -”ripping it with her teeth” i get the feeling you are trying to reinforce the OCD thing but it just seems like she is frustrated because of what happened in the lab -”Today was a bad one.” would be? I mean it hasn't happened yet, right? -”instead of hurting them.” sounds like the words of a future serial killer Page 9: -”if she were to throw a rock through it?” i'm getting edgy teenager vibes Page 10: -”walked inside, revealing a dim room,” this sounds off. Maybe it should be something like “the doors opened, revealing a dim room. Because the action of them walking inside doesn't reveal the room. I guess it does, in a way. But it just doesn't feel right. -I really don't know enough about religion(christianity especially), but this doesn't feel that close to christianty (to me, an uneducated person). I mean they are both monotheistic… but my first thought wasn’t “Hey this is just like christianity!” but again, thats coming from me, one who knows close to nothing about christianity (i know, im an uncultured swine... about my own culture no less) I thought it was cool that there are different incarnations of the god, slaying monsters and stuff. That's pretty badass. I think you could get more creative and add more to the religion. Like in a ballad of wraiths and ruin, the religion in that book was very interesting and something I had never seen! So yeah, get out there and spice it up! Page 11: -”A suit of armor, a whisp of pink” i feel like this should be italicized. And C shaking her head should come right after it and not in a separate paragraph. Up to you tho. Page 12: -”What had it said again?” It seems like she keeps asking herself this. Maybe just outright say it. Finances. Money. Souls. It all meant something. It was trying to warn us. Of what though? -be careful with “friendzone.” male concept. im not here for it.

I’ll do some lbl, but i’ll try to focus more on the contents rather than specific details. Overall: -There’s a lot of information and unfamiliar names in the first chapter–hell, even the first page– and none of it really stuck in my mind. I always glaze over names and technical information like that at first. Though, I guess that's to be expected with any work that you read for the first time. I think you did a good job of hiding the exposition in some places but a lot of it still just whoop went over my head. Let's just say there was a bit of a learning curve that i was not expecting. -I was super interested in learning about the planet that exploded, you really hooked me with that, but then there was all that talk about Y and more word building and a glimpse of the history of Sal’s species and that's where I started to lose interest. -I really liked Y, and his interactions with Sal in the last few pages, it all seemed wholesome. -this doesn't really feel like a prologue to me, it feels like a first chapter sort of. The whole point of the chapter was to get Sal to take action and go and investigate… or reconnect with old friends… so that she can find out more about her people and that sounds interesting! I’d read all about that. I feel like prologues should be snappy and eventful and draw me in, but this didn’t really do all that. I would definitely read on though! I am interested in Sal’s story but this chapter was a bit confusing with all the terms and loads of info and it took me out of it. I think a lot of the information in this chapter can be spaced out further into the story, I don't need to understand everything all at once. Page 1: -”Yesterday it had exploded,” this is where my interest was first piqued -”luxury tramp I’m Wearing” this confused me a bit, i think there should be a comma before the tramp’s name... also i had to look up what a tramp was. -”She shouldn’t have been thinking about… at all” why not? Sounds like a cool planet to me! edit: okay, this is where i got confused and thought you were talking about the P planet first mentioned, but its a different planet, right? Yes. i think. Page 2: -”thick pinky-yellow,” you mean, like his skin was thick? Can a color be thick? -”in as much as she understood his view” i had to read over this line a few times. It feels a bit unclear. -”trees, well. They still whispered,” i feel like this should be one sentence. Also, is she hearing things? Isn't space a vacuum? I guess trees don't talk either so… nevermind -”clicked her tongue twice.” like, “tsk, tsk.”? *wags finger* edit: i got it now… cause she cant speak… makes more sense now. Page 3: -”salamander legs stuffed with parsley.” ew, parsley. Also, i thought Sal said this at first but now I realize that Y said it. -”out loud even if she’d wanted to,” oh, can she not speak out loud? Interesting ← this is where i realized the whole, “no talking” thing was literal. Page 5: -okay, i'll be honest, I glazed over a lot of information until this line, “TO ATONE FOR THE PAST.” the whole paragraph before this didn’t keep me engaged, with all the people mentioned that I don’t know or care for yet. I get the point of the paragraph– to tell us that all her friends became generally successful or are doing things while Sal has nothing going for her, I think. But yeah there was just a lot of info for me. Page 6: -”a smell that reminded her of the old…” I assume this is an old ship of hers, but the reference lacks the emotion for me that I feel it should have. It might help if you just use what it actually is rather than the specific name of the tramp/ship. Page 8: -I guess i'm uncultured because i had to look up what “blowing a raspberry” is lol Page 9: -”double my whiskey order.” #relatable

Thank you! I'm not shamelessly plugging or anything but you can see the full version on my insta @karacdraws

Could I get in on this?

You would be correct in the assumptions of asian feels, though I will have to be more clear on this. Unrelated: How is ghosts of tsushima? You bring up so many good points and I am so happy that you did Imma just tell you now that there is no cannibalism... though now that you mention it —wait, no... no cannibalism. So yeah, this is just a clarity issue (like a lot of my problems)... I interpreted the mouth watering part in two ways. Either he was so hungry that even the smell of a human burning made his mouth water (i heard it smells similar to pork) orrr you know when right before you throw up your mouth waters a lot and you spit a lot before the vomit comes? Yeah... though the phrase "mouth watering" is more commonly associated with wanting to eat so you're point is very valid. Also, I loved your tagline "In a world, where a repentant cannibal who hates the living, is cursed to bury the dead... forever." Dun, dun, dunnnn.

I have let you down by my lack of research :,( how could i be so careless?? *strokes figurative beard* hmmmm >:) Okay, I can see where you're coming from. I certainly didn't intend it this way. I am conflicted cause like.. I dont know how to bring up that she is a woman without it sounding this way. I didn't mean it like "oh he finally closed the gap between them after he found out her gender because you know, woman are always harmless creatures." i just needed to speed it up a bit. but then like how does he even know she is a woman? She never said it. but like. she is. so. Idk how to handle it. (help please) Also, thank you very much for tree knowledge, oh wise tree sensei

very true. this is why i was like "nah maybe she doesnt feel too young, maybe I should take it back" because i honestly am still a child. a 25 year old child. i still cant even deal with my 'sponserberleries. *wipes tears away* no, you're rad.

Oof okay. Yes, I should explain. But how, I ask? Let me ponder. Okay, I've pondered. This is difficult because I don't feel like I've spent enough time with Ir and her world is far different than mine. What else can I compare her to other than myself? But I can't really remember what being 20 was like (I barely remember what day it is). But even then, she is not me. I think I was pretty emotional (still am) and not surrounded by family and loved ones like her so our support systems are very different. But I said it, so there's got to be a reason. My first thought is that she seems to think like a teenager (sometimes). there are instances where she says things that just sound younger. Like, "It was all thanks to my amazing teachers" sounds sort of like a teenager in a disney channel movie. I think it was mostly just the last bit about her running away and being embarrassed about a kiss. But that's not fair because I myself am an introvert with social anxiety so I can very much relate. As you can see, I am conflicted. I think her seeming younger to me would only detract from the story if you wanted this to be an adult book (which I understand that you do). I am considering just taking my comment back because I am not able to give you any concrete evidence. Once I read your first few chapters, I can give you a better response to this. Bear with me please :-)

That's fair. Still pretty sus tho. *squints aggressively* I am intrigued! 10/10 would read this side story. Ah, okay! So, I guess my point was just that she didn't seem 20. I think maybe a little younger... idk... what do i know... nothing Ha! I am always running away, so I relate.

As I go: Page 1: -I’m really glad this first scene got pushed into a new chapter! -90 songs?? Oof ...that's right, right? -”and therefore performances” i may be reading too much into this but this phrasing confuses me a bit. maybe it would be more clear if you include a comma before performances. So that it reads like “and therefore: performances! Let's talk about performances!” unless you mean to say BK has decided not to cancel the tour as well as performances. Because that's how I'm reading it now. -”the hard part is…” this sentence was fine at first but then I read over it again and it seems too… simple. I'm not sure exactly what it is… maybe it seems repetitive? Im not sure Page 2: -“‘Ambassadors?’ Ir said.” Ir asked? -”in-person” should there be a hyphen here? -”larger than life” I'm not sure what you mean by this. I get that he is a big deal but i don't think this is the right phrase. But also! It seems like you are just repeating what has already been said. J already said that his presence was powerful on its own. Unless you mean to say that… he is physically really big…. -“Eight weeks-” i think the dash should be an em dash rather than an en dash -”eyebrows shot to her hairline” i giggled at that -“Eight!” I really like the emphasis here but i think it might hit harder if there were more of a pause between “week.” and “Eight!” like maybe if you added an action, “Her hand rubbed at her forehead.” idk, something like that. -why three months? There's nothing wrong with it… I was just wondering if there might’ve been a reason. I guess it gives Ir time to process things. But then again, not everything needs a reason. Page 3: -there should definitely be something to note the passage of time more smoothly. That big chunk of time was a bit unexpected. I think this is why I questioned why they had to leave in three months. Why not one week? Then you won't have to worry about describing the passage of time. 2.5 months is quite a big leap! -love the personification of spring -”...since” i don’t know if the repetition here is doing anything for me. I just imagined Ir saying it (as the narrator) really dramatically. Page 4: -S and T seem petty. Ir doesnt need them. Tell her she is better than their pettiness. -osrt… ostrat… ostra-what? Oh! Excluded! Had to look that one up -”arrived hand in hand” I had to scroll back up to see that they were walking somewhere. Page 5: -okay.. I am sure this has been pointed out before, but… this world has animals and humans on the same level of consciousness.. And they eat chicken… and pork… and veal!? Not veal! Is this okay? Is this not cannibalism? Would the animals not be outraged by their fellow species being eaten by humans? L is part bird right? Isn’t he upset about them eating chicken? And what about the motherly cow, P?? How can she let a baby cow be eaten!? Dangit! I demand answers! Side note- I usually glaze over descriptions of food (I grew up reading Redwall and yeesh.) but to be fair, I am now really hungry, so you have successfully made my stomach scream at me. My god- bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar sounds SO good right now. Side note #2- the point I bring up reminds me of The Promised Neverland. If you haven't seen that anime, I HIGHLY recommend it. The twist at the end of the first episode is *chef’s kiss* Page 6: -”you and food” Okay, I get that he was probably rolling his eyes because she is a chef and food is always on her mind, but my mind went a different route. I was like wait… is he going to eat her? Have the tables turned? Do the animals eat humans as well? Wow, this took a turn. Perhaps add the eyeroll in case there are others out there like me! Page 7: -”clapped her hands with stomping hooves” made me think Ir had the hooves and i got real confused for a second -“before i steal him forever” Ah, the classic mother trying to steal her daughter’s love interest. -I was confused about the rope, I had to go back and see if there was an explanation for it. I assumed it could be because J is visually impaired. But I’m not sure. Also, I didn’t know that from reading, only from seeing the drawing of him on your instagram. But then where is his cane? Did I miss this? Page 8: -”came hand-in-hand.” I feel like it should be “went” -”robe” Rope - @Robinski I snorted lol -”he kinda left it somewhere” I don’t remember this happening. Did he leave it somewhere? Why isn’t he accountable for his own cane? Page 9: -I completely understand her sense of embarrassment. I would be the same. However, I remember seeing somewhere that she was older than 20? I don’t remember the exact age but I remember it was older than I expected. She can drink wine but can’t kiss a boy on the lips?? Actually, you know what, same though. Wine > any human interaction Overall: -You created a really happy, fun, light-hearted atmosphere! I am quite the cynist so this was very fluff for me but that is not a bad thing! You need the good stuff to balance out the bad! -I skimmed the other comments and though objectively nothing huge has happened in this chapter, I don’t think anything needs to. Sometimes we need to relax and take a break from the politics and tortured MC! (ahem, listen to your own advice kara) -The party did feel a LITTLE fast. But you don't want to linger too long on it, imo, because I am one who wants the drama and the tension, so smaller, fun chapters like these are nice ugh okay im editting this again. I can see where others said that by lingering on Ir and J dancing, you can add more tension. I will admit their dance felt short and there were some missed opportunities. -actually I want to add that, though this may be because I have not spent enough time with these characters, I did not feel the tension and excitement with the forbidden cheek kiss. there have been cases in other stories that have made me sequel when one character makes the first move. but this didnt. BUT that is most likely probably (definitely) because I have not seen them in that way and didn't start at the beginning with them... so others who have spent this whole journey with Ir and J would be better judges

Wowie! Thank you for all your suggestions! (I say while sobbing and hiding under a blanket) Nah, jokes aside, I value the amount of feedback and level of detail in your critique! I actually had a dream last night that everyone said that my work was so bad that it was not even worth critiquing. So, yeah. I had not even considered that this could be viewed as post-apocalyptic! Interesting! I will definitely have to be more specific in my details so that the era translates better. Yes! Disturbed! Good word! I honestly don't know why I thought obstructed was the right word. whoops!

Okay, I was looking into this and there's a word I'm thinking of... and you're right, it's definitely not "obstructed." Um, damaged? Broken through? Disrupted? Torn apart? Ah! It may be "destructed." That sounds similar, right? They both got the "-tructed."

Yeah, it might be too dark for what I plan to do. I guess I didn't consider just how depressing it was, so thank you for noting that!! Valid point! That does sound conflicting. Another good point. I should have played up the, um, level of her injuries. Thank you for all your suggestions!! They have given me a lot to work with!

I know this concerned me too! DX Initially I had included alcohol in the burning but I was like, "No...probably not a good idea." You pointed out so many good things! Thank you! I am literally numb to this chapter and I can't look at it objectively. But yes, I was worried it was too emo and dramatic and filled with unnecessary words so I'll have to tone it down a bit! haha

^^^^^^ XD Valid concern!! I personally am fascinated by the level of acceptance of gay couples in the past (before Christianity made it's way to...well everywhere.) So! Let's just say that there are more characters on the LGBTQ spectrum in my writing than not! Yes, the Greeks were super gay! And even in ancient China, there were many Emperor's that had male lovers. (and look at them now *sigh*) So, the use of pills actually dates back to around 1500 BCE. They didn't exactly look like what we are used to (they were a lot bigger by far) but the idea is the same! I really should have given more info about the story, so I apologize for that!! I would say that it leans more towards wuxia/xianxia historical fantasy (with the fantasical elements toned down a bit), taking place around... 17th-18th century. I want to say that it's not based on the real world by any means, but that would be lie. I will say that there are certain elements that inspired me from Edo era japan. (I am a nut for ancient japan and old samurai movies)

Just reiterating what I put in my email! The story is adult historical fantasy. Title is a working title. 3406 words. There is an attempt at self harm! So be aware of that along with mild language and some gore. Dialogue is not my strong suit, nor is world building, so I humbly await your suggestions

So I was reading Locke Lamora and I came across this part where it said, "He slapped his forehead." (because he forgot something) And it made me think of you, so I rescind my comment!

is it too early for me to ask for a spot on 11/30?

You can keep it the first time you used it but maybe the second time just say, "It was M." or "Who else could it be but M?" idk, get creative lol I certainly feel like the name fits the description you gave her! Seems dark and gothic like a vampire lol or an angel of death. I feel like angels of death should have dark, dramatic names. I just thought it was funny that they all had names like that...but then there was M. It made me giggle a bit haha. It was like, "There was Vengeance, Skullcrusher, and Deathbringer!! Ooooh very scary!! ... oh and Tom, but we don't talk about him."

As I go: pg 1- “finally, he recognized” I don’t feel like this “finally” is earned or necessary. You would use “finally” after struggling with something for a while, so I think the use of the word is too soon and isn’t doing anything for the sentence. pg 1- “not that he remembered” the wording in this sentence feels a bit confusing, Maybe use a better describing word for the beggar rather than just “he.” like “old man,” or something. pg 1- “took out another sucker” i feel like i missed when he took out the first sucker. Edit: I realized that it’s the drug from the first sentence but when i read the line “Q sucked in more of the drug” i assumed he was inhaling. Maybe this is addressed in the previous chapters! If it was then… nevermind Edit on the edit: okay wait now i'm confused… is a sucker a lollipop or like something you suck on to inhale a drug?? Cause i dont think people “suck” suckers lol they lick them.. pg 2- “he left him to suck his drug” same problem from earlier, maybe consider replacing “him” with a more descriptive word, like contact. “He left his contact...etc.” pg 2- you start two paragraphs with “q made a turn” one after the other, seems a bit repetitive. pg 2- good suspense on this page! pg 3- “green glowing thing” i think you could use something more descriptive here. Maybe like blob or blur? pg 3- “and the guy in the alleyway” i don't think the paragraph break before this is necessary since it continues directly after the previous paragraph. pg 3- this is a sort of small thing, but in the last few paragraphs where Q is trying to get away from B, the sentence structure seems like it could be varied a bit more. The whole thing just seems monotonous. pg 4- “had only three fingers” the way this sentence is worded makes that last bit about her having three fingers feel unimportant and random. pg 4- “which was already coming back” pg 4- this is just me being nitpicky but, “still like a statue” feels like a cliche simile. This seems like a bountiful world that you’ve created, I’m sure there is something out there that is more unique than a statue. pg 5- the spirits can just possess people by going through them?? That sucks lol pg 5- “it still only took him” you used “only” twice in this sentence, seems repetitive pg 5- “q grabbed someone” a pedestrian? Civilian? A… sullinian? pg 5- “meat shield” so this is how he sees people, huh? Ruthless, I tell you. pg 6- “vision was still black” seems too repetitive too soon. pg 6- “been hit into a wall” i feel like a different verb might work better here, like thrown or slammed pg 6- i think you could make this whole scene a lot more tense and engaging by adding more emotion. It feels very robotic. pg 6-”conked off” interesting word choice! Spicing it up I see. pg 8- “Q got and saw” q got up? pg 8- a lot of sentences on this page start with “Q this” “Q that” pg 8- “M jumped into him” there are a lot of verbs italicized randomly and i don’t think it's necessary pg 8- “hadn’t been sure he was going to make it” I didn’t feel like he thought this at all. He seemed very confident that he would make it out fine. pg 8- “Guard; they were” you can probably use “, but” instead of the semicolon pg 9- Good intro of V! Nice little cliffhanger at the end of the chapter. pg 9- “fingerless gloves on them, oddly” why is this odd? pg 11- “he thought in pain” doesn’t flow well, seems repetitive. I would either remove the “in pain” bit or be more specific about the pain pg 11- “he made his implants” this might have been mentioned in a previous chapter but idk what he means by implants pg 11- “now held his MKRs” they just appeared in his hands? Maybe show him grabbing them or something. Also I thought you meant Q was holding them but I think M was holding them. So that wasn’t super clear. Maybe say “Q’s MRKs” Overall: -A lot of parts feel like a screenplay where you are just giving us a play by play. You might want to consider varying your sentence structure more and giving us more descriptions and internal thought. It doesn't have to be literal internal thought, you have some of that already. I guess just adding more descriptions will give us insight to how Q feels and sees his environment and surroundings. -I noticed a lot of unintentional repetition of words. Use stronger verbs and adjectives! -Every time we are introduced to someone it goes like this, “Q recognized them as X.” Maybe try to spice this up a little and introduce them differently. -Why do all the angels get cool names except for M?? -The main thing is just to vary sentence structure. This was really noticeable on page 8 where so many sentences started with “Q glanced,” “Q changed,” Q and some verb. -These chapters feel like one long fight but I don’t feel super engaged. It’s just so early on and I don’t find myself worried or caring for Q. -This advice might not work for you, but when I'm writing, I try to keep my fights as short as i can because most people don't enjoy reading fights, UNLESS there are high stakes… which I don't see here. What makes a fight enjoyable to read is the emotion or thoughts of the people fighting, it has to give the readers more than just a play by play. -You are good at ending chapters! They generally leave me wanting to know what happens next, especially at the end of page 12.

Yay my first critique! I read all the summaries for the previous chapters and shall do my best! Also, I could be completely wrong with some things so please correct me if I am wrong or just ignore me pg 1- “a freshly scrubbed house” This is a super small stylistic thing, I think, but I wonder if it would sound better as the freshly scrubbed house. When you use “a” it sounds more random to me, like she was looking at a random house rather than the one she is in. pg 1- “had felt like a lifetime” I found that the word “had” was used a lot and there is nothing wrong with this, but it feels a bit distant, like this is further in the past. How foolish of me to have written this. BUT the only reason I left this in is because I remember learning about using the word “had” to differentiate between a flashback and… not flashback and some of the places you used the word feel a bit unnecessary. pg 2- at the very tippy top, did you mean contract rather than contact? pg 2- ”thick, soft clouds” nice descriptive words in this sentence! pg 2- “Nestled” is used in the last two paragraphs (might be a bit too close) I didn't notice this the first time but I did the second. pg 3- “it was another to be sitting next to him” Another what? I feel like this sentence has little context and might not work on its own. Maybe find a way to link this sentence and the one before it? pg 3- “decay!” I assume this is some sort of curse word... Perhaps this was mentioned in earlier chapters but it seemed out of place for me. Also, did she literally slap her forehead? I’m not sure about you but I have never actually slapped my forehead, maybe mentally but never literally. Just seems a bit… dramatic? I guess that's the word I’m looking for. pg 4- “how did politicians speak” This sentence feels a bit confusing to me but I have no suggestions on how to fix it. *shrugs shoulders* pg 4- “I didn’t know I had saved your life” i assume she means to put emphasis on “your,” like “I didn’t know I had saved a king’s life” but the way i read it was with emphasis on her saving a life in general… if that makes sense... pg 4- “I'm not just knowing names” I don’t know if this wording was intentional but it sounds off to me. If not, then maybe consider rewording it to something like, “it's not just the names of X that I know, it's the names of X, Y, and Z.” Edit: after reading the next chap, I noticed you used this wording again, so maybe it's just the way people speak? pg 6- “You did this” When I first read this, I thought she was internally putting blame on TBK for her guilt but the second time(pg 8) I got that this was from a previous chapter. Probably would’ve connected the dots sooner on that one if i read the previous chapters, but i figured i’d point it out anyway. pg 7- “them as guilty as done so” I think you mean “has” done so Chapter 27 vibes and overall thoughts: - TBK is suave and aloof but I don’t get evil vibes. I vibed with him more than I (sorry I use the word vibe so much) I didn’t connect too much with I, but again this is only one chapter and the 27th chapter at that! - Magic system seems unique! Maybe I don’t read enough but I love your idea of names being involved with magic. Edit: I thought of a sort of magic that uses names (though it is VERY different from yours) Death note! How could I forget!? - You’ve done a good job setting up scenes and helping me imagine the setting. I noticed the use of colors a lot and some texture words that really help. -I am glad we don’t live in a world where apple juice is seasonal. Words I had to look up from this chapter (in case you were curious, and I knew that you were): -Equine -- after I looked it up I was like, “Ooooooh, like equestrian!” P.S. Once I learned this word, I couldn’t stop noticing it every time you used it. Could just be me though! -Veranda -- I am not knowledgeable in the names of things associated with buildings, so thanks for that pg 11- “Unsure what to say” oof, another minor thing/personal preference but I feel like “unsure of what to say” might sound better. pg 11- “Sparks” Another type of curse word perhaps? pg 12- “Regulated to my family” I don’t know if regulated is the right word. I am a bit confused by the meaning of this sentence. If it is the right word, then the preposition following should be “by” rather than “to.” pg 13- “Then i was going to work” this whole chunk of dialogue seems muddled, like the tense is changing or something. pg 13- “But her sister and brother-in-law” ooooh family dramaaa pg 15- I haven’t met Suebin, but I don’t like her, what with treating this poor family so horribly. (jk, i'm not judging her yet, but still… i got my eyes on her) pg 15- There’s a lot of good family banter on this page and the next pg 16- “Turned so red his acne blended right in” omg high school me relates so hard. pg 18- Iron, huh? (that's it, that's the whole comment) pg 18- “When had she started thinking like that?” oooh subtle, i like it. pg 20- Oooh there are diff types of magic?? Do tell, O. pg 20- Idk what ringball is… should i know? Is it important? pg 21- The whole scene in the crowd feels short and doesn’t add much. Unless you were to connect this scene with the next… and the last scene lacks setting, I am having a hard time picturing where the conversation is taking place. pg 21- “Bathing in their smiles” whose smiles? Sorry, this is probably because I am new to the story. Overall: - Wow, I met so many characters in this chapter! I had a hard time keeping them straight but that’s because i didn’t get a proper introduction so no wrong on your part! - I felt like it ended a bit abruptly, or like the last scene was a little too short. - I got more info about the magic, so that's cool

I second this after only just reading the first page of @Snakenaps most recent sub! I noticed a specific word being used a lot but then went and looked at my own stuff and realized that I had the same amount of usage of this word. The word was "had" btw... had.... I noticed the word had. What a magical word that I had never noticed before. Is "had" even a real word?

The panels were really enjoyable! I waited so many hours to get into the rebels panel but it was well worth it! Memorable things from the whole experience: The trailer drop for The Rise of Skywalker. I wasn't in that panel but I was in the convention hall where everyone watched it on a big screen, and when palpatine laughed in the trailer EVERYONE lost their minds. (it was hilarious) ALL the costumes. Of course the rebels panel, I love listening to Dave Filoni talk. Getting into the clone wars panel, because it was snowing and our flight got canceled, so we decided to try our luck getting into the panel and we actually got in on a day we didn't pay for (I know, how scandalous). The clone wars panel was honestly the best part because it was where they dropped a real trailer for the last season that we all didn't think we were going to get. You can imagine my hype. All the free posters The shop was also really cool! The line was ridiculous to get in but still worth it. I included my view of the clone wars panel and me in front of an xwing

Omg the callbacks, little mentions, and easter eggs are the absolute best! When I saw Solo in theaters and heard Maul's voice, I was like, "Is that Sam Witwer!?" Like just simply having them use the clone wars and rebels voice actor in the movie was so awesome. And yeah, they do know how to give the feels. I think that's why I love Revenge of the Sith because it ends on such a bitter note. When Yoda senses all the jedi being murdered and he clutches his chest, oof, I felt that. Also, Ahsoka's arc in rebels was sooooo amazing (her fight with Vader, oh man, and the way they used Anakin's voice and overlapped it with Vader's). And Clone Wars did so much for the prequels. It made Obiwan and Anakin's bitter end all the more heart wrenching. I honestly love clone wars Anakin way better than movie Anakin (Sorry Hayden). I actually went to Star Wars celebration last year and got to see some of the panels with Filoni and crew and it was so incredible. All of Filoni's characters are just... *chef's kiss*