karamel

Reviving this lounge to say hello! I'm still alive! And I JUST finished reading my first brando sando book (mistborn). It took me 5 years since joining this website but I did it.

I've been meaning to share this for months but i kept forgetting Anyway, this felt really accurate to this group and I thought it was funny so I'm sharing it with yall https://www.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt/comments/v8zopc/to_read_a_scifi_classic/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Hello! I think this is your first sub, so congrats! So, disclaimer: I've been MIA for a while because I've had intense brain fog and haven't felt like I was able to put 100% into my critiques (and I still don't feel like I'm able to) but its been so dead lately that I feel like a mediocre critique is better than no critique, right?! anyway, Im very rusty so take everything I say with a grain of salt because im going to spew a lot of nonsense pg 1 -very intense opening paragraph! The writing itself is done very well. I'm hooked so far pg 2 -L must have some trauma to think she’ll get yelled at for screaming in a fire -“Heart rate slowly falling to a terrified gallop” wouldn't her heart rate quicken rather than “slowly fall?” like quicken (or something) into a gallop? Slowly fall and gallop seem to be contradicting each other, imo. -”Drift—ngs” i’d be mindful of the capitalization here— I know that's super nitpicky but i assume this is a term similar to something like “younglings” from star wars and you wouldn’t capitalize that. Unless it's some kind of title… then you can disregard -”ironing” this is cute lol pg 3 “that was A’s foot” oh no, he’s dead huh “Whose there?” i think it’s “who’s” pg 5 “Her head met the cold steel frame” this isn’t a major problem but her blacking out feels kind of abrupt. I feel like there should be some sort of build up to this moment and then some sort of break between this paragraph and the next when she wakes up. But im not sure if that would improve anything at all. just feels like the impact would be more meaningful if it was built up a bit more (though Idk where this story is going yet so i might be wrong in this) “her mind groped” im not crazy about this wording since groped has a usually negative connotation pg 6 -so far i think the only major changes i would make would be to maybe cut things down a bit. I think having a child wake up to a fire and attempt to escape is a good opening but it could be tighter (it could always be, right?) though i haven’t read the rest yet so this is subject to change “The room burst into light” so she’s in a room? I thought she had contemplated being outside, especially with the mention of a horizon “She suddenly remembered where she was… building on fire” see this seems like it could almost be another chapter. this recap would work perfectly in chapter 2. though, ending the chapter with a blackout might be overdone? Im not sure. I know i do it a lot pg 7 -”a bit annoyed… a bit fuzzy” again this is super nit picky but these “a bit” ’s feel repetitive and too close to each other -”pressing the question would just get her more assignments” sheesh this girl must've really gone through it pg 8 “ '..new body.' explained” should be a comma instead of period pg 11 -I had assumed this was third limited in L’s perspective but now im not sure. -“‘essential nutrition’. I think the period should be on the inside of the quotation pg 12 -wait E was killed?? sheeeesh, brutal Overall: There were a few other small grammar mistakes i didn't point out (mostly capitalization issues) but other than that I think the writing is really well done! Now onto the plot. I have absolutely no idea where this story is going and im not sure about the setting either. is this the future? the past? what is life like outside the place L resides in? whats the state of the rest of the world? it seems semi dystopian. i definitely dont think we need all those answers right away but it would be nice to have some sort of inkling of where the story might go other than "this young girl is going to save the universe, possibly because fate says so." it feels a bit vague. That's not to say I disliked it or am not on board, I'm just not sure what the main problem is or why the universe needs saving. To your questions: What is boring? I don't think anything was particularly boring, but it could be tightened up a bit. I can't exactly tell you what to cut (i know, SUPER unhelpful) but it could be streamlined for sure. You sort of lost me at the end of page 6, because i dont do well with otherworldly spiral devices. This almost feels like a prologue. I'm not sure if the inciting incident is the fire or the visitor because I dont know what events come next. im left with a ton of questions and no answers. you could argue that that's the point of a first chapter, but uh in this case, i at least want some idea of whats going on. maybe if we got some clue as to why the place was on fire that would help? there isn't really a payoff to the very intense first paragraph. I guess the visitor could have started it to make sure there weren't any witnesses but surely there was an easier solution to that since they can blink out of existence? What is confusing? Nothing, I think everything that happened was pretty clear. I know that sounds contradictory to what i just said lol but based solely on the things that did happen, it wasnt confusing. I of course dont know what some of the words mean (drift—ngs, trinity, etc), but they give off a scifi/supernatural feel and i assume i'll come to learn them later so im not complaining about that. What did you not believe? hmm. everything was okay until the visitor appeared with that floating disk thing. once they arrived I was like, "ah, this is supernatural then." which was a BIT jarring but only because i went into this story completely blind, and we started with a fire that seemed like it could happen in our modern world. (however, the use of "warping" does tell me that this is another place, i dont wanna discredit that) What was cool? this might be weird to think, and im not sure i'd call it cool, but i liked the end when the visitor unalived that kid. only because that sets the tone for me. this being is doing things that could be for the greater good but are also brutal. im not sure if they're good or bad, or if i should like them or not, and i like that in a story. Promises? I guess expect to see this girl save the universe from... something. maybe she'll be used by some higher beings/organization. I also expect that line about meaning well and doing good to come into play later and the main character to struggle with that dilemma. Overall, i'd be interested to see where this goes! Again, I'm sorry I couldn't have more insightful things to say! But I hoped i helped even a little!

Heyo! been a while since I've done a critique and honestly, I'm only doing this one because of your opening line. So good job on that! pg 1 -Im already in with the first line -still have me hooked with the following paragraph, i love it -”the witch” Is there only one or can this be “a witch”? Edit: I see what you mean now, but upon reading this at first it makes me think “there was no mention of a witch before this so there must only be one” pg 2 -”something even bigger” also great ending paragraph to this section -”in addition” another great opener after the break. Im more of a past tense enjoyer, but i didn’t mind the present tense in the first part “More focused its purpose” this wording confuses me a bit. Maybe “its” should be “the”? “More could be” more that could be? pg 3 “It certainly enough power” inclusion of was “Public-snail” I read this as one word and was very confused “To check on G” I was very excited to see where this was going, you got me hooked by the first section, but now I'm losing interest. I think that helping this random neighbor look for her wedding ring is a sharp turn from “magic requires death.” I just expected something a bit grittier. pg 5 “Limp body” ahh now we’re talking, interest returned “Because person had died” this person? “Where it’s life force” would it be more appropriate to say "their" rather than "its"? Im not sure about which is better or more accurate pg 8 “The poor crustaceans” that's creative “like a gavel” Overall I enjoyed this! I think my interest peaked with the first few pages (the beginning was the strongest imo) but I did enjoy it throughout. To answer your question about having too much before the body being found, I think yes, but only because my expectations might have been misplaced. I'm not sure where I expected this to go but it certainly wasnt "murder mystery." not a bad thing though! I really love the idea that magic is fueled by death, great concept. I think the ending could be a bit stronger, but I would continue reading this story to see where it goes regardless.

Welcome back! I look forward to reading this! Opening #1 pg 1 -”he bore no disadv” the “he” here threw me off. I think you can get away without mentioning a name right away but here, i feel caught off guard. -”now, if only.., but it was not, quite” I don't like all the commas in this sentence; it feels super muddled and unnatural. -”the most comfortable ones” compared to the other openings, this one feels very out of order. I know this line is referring to the miles but it almost makes me think, “most comfortable what?” also “unfortunately” doesnt feel entirely necessary -”making a pained expression” I’m having trouble picturing this whole action. He winked while making a pained expression?? What was he trying to do here? edit: I see now its bc of the seat and him not fitting into it right? that's why he is pained. when i see wink, i think flirting, so this read odd to me. -also idk what s-n® is -”the first thing Q did” i would’ve never known this was the POV character were it not for having skimmed some other crits pg 2 -”porter departed was to disrobe” I think there's a tense issue here. Get rid of “to” maybe? Opening 1 feels incomplete at the end. Would i keep reading? Probably not. There's nothing that makes me think “wow i need to figure out what's going on.” there’s no oomph. There were a lot of the sentences that felt a bit wordy and did not flow as well as they could have; I think I mentioned them in the lbls though. Opening #2 pg 3 -way better opening line. though, I don't read a ton of scifi so all the terms in the first sentence tripped me up. IT-, So-, and Geo 1. I wouldn’t completely abandon this piece based on that but still. -”at least his Mer-” the first pronoun here flows way better than in the other opening. -”passengers required to wear the same” were required? -”thumb-shaped N shuttlecraft’s passengers” I dont think there’s a huge problem here, but to me, this feels wordy. Also could this be taken as the passengers being thumb-shaped?? It's the shuttlecraft that's thumb-shaped right? ;p -”it was not, quite.” yeah i still don't like this phrasing. Feels unnatural. Im not sure about this, but I think "quite" is one of those words that you can cut, like really and very. Or at least use it sparingly. This is the first instance tho so its probably not the word itself, just how it's used. -”the most comfortable ones” okay this is exactly the same in opening one but for some reason, i dont mind it here. Like the last few sentences in this paragraph feel okay to me. so i guess ignore my previous gripes? “Family s-n ®” ohhhhhh the family s-n. I wasnt understanding this but it reads like “a family crest,” huh? I see now. The family android. pg 4 -”marrying the boss’s daughter” ho ho intriguing -”i may have a job” italics? -”his efficient frame” huh?? Efficient?? Lmao! I’ve never heard someone describing their frame as efficient. Like he’s in shape? -”the softly lit cabin must serve” tense error? is this present tense? Must have served? -”and that loathsome flash” i love lines like these that add character -better ending, though the Jen line felt a bit out of place. Opening #3 pg 5 -”left him stiff and aching” i stand by opening 2 being the best intro of the POV character -“The most comfortable, but the slowest” i like the previous phrasing. This phrasing feels awkward -”tunnel to the security station” i also like “security station” better than checkpoint -”once his sy-n porter” this feels way more fast paced and im not getting as good a feel for the character. I do like that it’s simpler and less wordy but we’ve lost the vital character building moments -”stepping from the shower, he regarded his eff- frame” a lot of sentences (like this one) in this version flow better, imo. In this paragraph, though, there might be too many simple sentences -second best ending. It feels more complete than the first but its not as good as #2’s. I dont feel like ive been given anything in this one that makes me want to continue reading. Overall: I agree with the others! Opening two was far better! ^ this literally sums up everything i want to say.

Heyo! Welcome back as i go: pg 1 -agree that the parents say W’s name too much pg 2 “Or is that one of the events..” Ha. N :,) this is good, i want more of this pg 3 -i dont remember when N previously got her the pastries(in the older version), but is now a good time? Wouldnt she want them fresh for breakfast? Arent they getting thai food? Why would she eat them right now(tonight)? pg 5 “You supported me even tho we barely” this is starting to go on and feel repetitive. "and that person is someone i want to grow close with" ehhhh idk what it is but this felt like it leans on the creepy side. partially because he says it so matter-of-factly and not at all like how i imagine a teenager would say it. its sounds more like an old man saying this. pg 8 “I go over my mom’s symptoms” is… now a good time for this? "please dont follow me" stilted dialogue, i think. it feels kinda rude.. pg 9 “But im wondering if theres something” hmmm idk about this. It feels rather... abrupt? Convenient? Overall I unfortunately find myself not caring about W’s situation with her mom like I think i should. Or maybe its just that there’s too much focus on her feelings with her mom and not enough on her first date with N—the balance is off. I might be more upset about her leaving and ending the date early if I saw that W and N were having a better time. 1. Both yes and no. We miss out on cute date moments and focus too much on serious mom talk. Which is fine, but there needs to be a balance. Otherwise, Im not really connecting to them. I couldn't relate to anything in this chapter. sorry >.< 2. Hmm...I dont really have much of an opinion on W. She has had relatable moments in the previous chapters but overall i dont LOVE her. Like, she's alright. And this could be because of wrs since I haven't read about her in a while. i still love N but he was "eh" this chapter. There isn't anything that makes him stand out in this chapter. I feel like N and W sort of speak the same way. ~(okay, interruption. I just read Radio Silence by Alice Oseman and wowie i loved it. I dont usually read contemporary YA novels so this surprised me! I REALLY related to the main characters and I LOVED the relationship between the two main characters (it was a platonic relationship and quite amazing). The two really loved eachother and the dialogue always felt realistic, even when they talk about their sexuality it feels realistic and not forced. Also, I didn't really care for the POV character in the beginning (she was alright but not my fav) because she was all about school and stuff but then the further into the story we get, I started to love her. Idk if this helps at all...but i do recommend it… for the dialogue, likeable characters, and character relationships, and just in general (unless youve already read it... ) okay interruption over)~ Anyway, yeah, Im not sure exactly what it is about W. maybe its the combination of her dialogue and internal thought. maybe she could use this date as an opportunity to try to distract herself from her worries about her mom, like she really tries to be present and it comes off a little awkward but endearing until she cant resist telling N about whats going on and he helps her with some decent advice and its a sweet moment. I think the dialogue we have now is hindering the scene. I assume what I just described is what you're going for...(or maybe thats how the previous version was, i cant remember) but it falls flat for me as it is. We need more cute teenage moments to make the scene less serious. And maybe more insight into her thoughts. its a first date and they're both kinda awkward and yet I didn't really see any of that here. This chapter has a lot of potential! It just needs some ironing out. I went back and skimmed the previous version and it just always feels like W and N are talking about external things...like W's parents. I dont feel like im really getting to know either of them. Oh! that's it. I want to get to know them more that's probably not helpful, but I dont feel like I learned anything about them in this chapter. Okay, I guess we learned more about N and his "rage" but... hmm... i want more, i think. But thats why i told you about that book i just read. Because I did fall in love with the characters and I felt like i really knew them and I saw how much they loved eachother (platonically) and I can't exactly describe what it is. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful! I know I sound like i thought this chapter was terrible but I really didnt! I think you're headed in the right direction! Now you just have to find a good balance and tweak a few things! Easy, right!? Heh. *sweats*

Hello! Welcome to the group! That's awesome that you're a sommelier! I'm gonna be honest that I had no idea what that was until I looked it up just now. But very cool! Stoked to read your stuff!

Sorry I haven’t critiqued the last few chapters! I’ve only been able to do like 1 or 2 a week, but I have been reading the story and I have time for this chapter now! 1. No boring or confusing parts! There's just some things that can be trimmed/cut, specifically the conversation/arguing between GM and C in T's house. 2. For the most part! I think i make notes for any actions that dont make sense in my lbls. Overall I love the progress that's been made in recent chapters! This one felt more like it was building up to something (especially with V and whatever is going to be produced from T's sacrifice), but i didn't have any major problems. I like that C was able to stand up to GM and that GM seems to be on the road to a redemption of some sort. I'm curious to get more answers about everything! as i go: pg 1 “V was here to keep an eye” was he though? He’s been gone for a while… where he at? “Takes as a good sign” C no! That's not a good sign! Vegetable person is missing! pg 3 -”my parents’ journal” wait why did she think it was a good idea to burn this journal?? Is it because it’s a big sacrifice? to keep the town going? “the journal she has spent so long looking for” has she spent long looking for this journal? I know she was looking for the answers it contained, but did she specifically know there was a journal? pg 4 “the green boy took years” makes sense why no one was surprised by his appearance “the only person waiting is Ant-” i didn’t know who this was at first or what the implication was for the next line. Because he is useless? pg 6 “one without the oil stains” lol what “You know, the bad one” LOL -agree with @C_Vallion that their arguing does go on a bit long pg 8 “another sacrifice out of T” you can make a sacrifice more than once? “When the room stops tilting?” she okay? pg 9 “Wait! You need me!” girl if you wanna be part of the group stop manipulating people like this pg 10 “Do you though?” GM what’d you do with V? >:( “I wouldn’t be so sure” I get that maybe C doesn’t believe GM but like V has been missing for a while so i kinda wish she’d take this more seriously. pg 11 “How long can you stay here?” she means in the town, right? Not at her house? lol

Overall definitely a lot of confusion, but once you trim this chapter down and clear some things up, it'll be a great chapter! I really loved the ending when B told Or that E was looking for her. I also liked that Or got to see alt At, but that part could probably be trimmed as well. I was a bit unclear on the stakes when Y had said Or would get shot if she loitered because when it seemed like Or was in a place she wasn't supposed to be, the people at the end were like "oh no, you saw too much, huh? we'll give you a refund and discount at the shop! :)" as i go: pg 3 -i read through these first pages really quickly. Good light humor! “that she could feel in her throat but hear” not hear? “Should i go over there? Buy her something?” i was a bit confused about some of what Y was saying. I assume this is supposed to be humorous but it fell a little flat for me “Excellent. now, i cant hear you” she didn’t give Y any response tho. Why’d they say “excellent”? Edit: oh was it something on the readouts that Y took as an indication that Or could hear? pg 4 “This is a touch less terrifying” more terrifying than something called the void/mirror universe?? She must really be afraid of Ard lol pg 5 “Loitering can get a being shot” didnt Y just say that Or would be loitering in the lobby? I guess… loitering in the wrong place would get you shot? pg 6 “Something wiggled and itched” eeeeee pg 7 “Upper-level bird meeting” you dont hear that everyday pg 8/9 -you could probably trim some stuff on these pages, with the door not opening and whatnot -also im not quite sure what her goal is here. The doc wasn't too clear on that. I feel like if i was in Or’s shoes, i would be confused as hell. -maybe mention the map more, i actually forgot that she was following a map. wait, she is right? the one on her palm? -confused about the steps on page 9 “That meant time to go” but i feel like she didnt do anything… maybe she didnt need to tho. Y only wanted her to visit for like samples orrr information? I cant remember >.< “The dome melted” wait like the ceiling?? pg 10 -im confused where she is at now, is she viewing all this in a mirror or is it actually happening? “Voids. Mirror.” ohh it is a mirror... i think pg 11 “Or ran into the young forest” confused about whats real and whats not, very trippy pg 12 “Y should have given her some cliff notes” yeah, they really shouldve “At” oooo juicy pg 16 “I dont know dave” lmao the sass “No one is willingly going to swallow fungi, dave” yeah, dave, jesus -i love the bird names pg 20 “Like the N people” doesnt Or know this? Since she is N… pg 24 Awesome ending with E!

-C seems much more competent in this version (of chapter 8)! I like that there are stakes too! It felt like before it was just C struggling with finding answers and it was frustrating but now there are ominous consequences as well and that's great! I also like that in these recent chapters, C gains more confidence and takes more action. -no boring or confusing bits! I was pretty engaged throughout! and all the character's actions make sense. -I kind of hope this is going in the direction of GM and C having to team up and work together. GM still seems crazy and obsessed but im starting to pity her a lot, especially since she is like deteriorating. as i go: pg 3 -“the girl seems not to have the energy” I like how she is slowly descending into.. something bad. I wonder if all the adults went through the same thing. pg 4 “D just explained that its time” oooo spooky pg 6 “we’re the only two who haven’t given up” hmmm -also GM reminds me of Carmelita Spats from a series of unfortunate events pg 8 “With T or with GM” oh they’re happening at the same time? Good ending! It definitely makes me want to read on. I don't have much to say because this was one of the better chapters! I feel like we are so close to getting more answers.

Heyo! Overall, decent chapter! The biggest problem for me was that there was quite a bit of dialogue that felt off, but it's easily fixable (I hope)! I was very interested in N being able to smell sunburns, and I'm eager to know more about his family. The date didn't quite land the way I would've liked; there are cute moments but i think some of the lines take me out of it. An awkward date can be really cute but it just didnt work for me here. I think @RedBlue sums up perfectly what I thought about the date: I didn't get a huge sense of romance between W and N, which is fine, but if you played it up a bit, it would really pack a punch near the end when everything turns to poop. as i go: pg 1 -“stop it with your pessimism” was something they said pessimistic?? -“not like you’d know” ouch. Maybe this wasn't meant to be passive aggressive but that's how i read it pg 2 -“Since im getting credit for tutoring” i feel like this is leftover from before when N visited W formally in the tutor setting. But W helped N unofficially by the pond, right? So, she wouldn’t be getting credit for it. pg 3 agree, unless she is meaning to be theatrical. I've done this (more than most people probably) where I intentionally speak in a dramatic way, accent and everything, just for fun. it probably would have to be more clear that that's what she's going for, if she is. -“Neither of us can drive on our own” so they aren’t 16 yet? orrr.. they just dont have their licenses. I don't know if i knew that. I must've. It may be wrs pg 6 -yeah i would cut out a lot of the talk between W and her parents. pg 7 -“Food and boys are both good. Do you have any thoughts?” this is innocent and cute, i think, but it feels stilted. Mostly the “do you have any thoughts?” bit -“But can you really say its living without love?” oof boy N is very cheesy and awkward on this page— this paragraph in particular. -“They're drawing me in like you’re a siren” i really dont know what it is but he just sounds way too formal. Its the same problem I had with chapter 5. It feels robotic, but i'm not even sure if thats the right way to describe it. Stilted, probably. pg 8 -“For a full couple of minutes” idk why, and this may be a personal thing, but i feel like it would be weird to have someone sing to me for a few minutes. I'm real awkward though, and I just wouldn't know where to look while they're singing to me. pg 9 -“What language was that, also?” probably sounds better without also pg 10 -“What do you think, B-D?” wait were they considering letting N pay? Idk about that pg 11 -“Occasionally he sniffs the air and frowns” lol what is he smelling? pg 12 -“You know how when people are sunburned” omg what pg 15 -“explain the situation to N for me” typo?

Sorry I was MIA last week! I did read chapter 10 but I didn't really feel like I could provide any valuable feedback that wasn’t already said. So we continue forward As i go: pg 1 -i agree that this epigraph could be moved up earlier so we get a better sense of B’s motivations. She becomes more than just a “sexy savior” -“Souvenirs, boring things” very curious where this is going -also curious why Or is specifically doing this job. I assume B has a reason for not doing it… but idk what it is. Edit: it's sort of explained further down on page 8. -also, if Y wanted to pay Or for a job, couldnt that have been the exchange for Or’s medical bills? If you can't pay, then do this job for me and your bills will be settled, with money to spare. -maybe it would work better if Ard doesn't end up paying for her bills so that way she has to do this job? idk pg 5 “White material shifted in her ear” eeeeeee pg 6 “Any unprotected cellulose gets pulled” oooh is this what happened with the other gang that got pulled into the void? “For phase two which I'm not allowed” wait but Y never said not to ask, I thought. it was more of an assumption on Or’s part pg 7 “B set a glass of water down for both of them” are they sharing one cup of water or do they each get one? pg 8 -so is Y gonna send Or into the void?? pg 9 “If diddling around… gets me legit passage to Ard” wait does it?? I thought it was just for money pg 11 “Remember what is here” so ominous Overall, I didn’t have any major issues with this chapter. I think you could merge this chapter and last chapter for sure, as long as you cut a few things back. I feel like we were in the hospital for a while (could be WRS tho) and I sort of wanted things to move on, which they did in this chapter. But also, on the flipside, there's a lot of information that we need and emotional beats that are important so I'm not exaaactly sure what you should cut. But yeah, good job as always

While At's pov is satisfying, if definitely doesn't hit the same as it would if I had read the previous books. I do get a "recap" feeling on some things, but it didn't bother me at all. I think the biggest thing here is that this chap could really benefit from being shortened, especially when At and E are trying to contact S. I don't think they both need to keep trying cause it felt repetitive. Yeah, i think that's just the main thing for me: cut things down. The most satisfying part to me was when At learned of G4 trying to contact her. I'm more interested in that because we've been struggling with G4 for a while. I do like reading about At's godlike duties tho, especially after the prologue, it makes her feel very important and powerful and it makes me curious to know what happened in the previous books. few things: pg 2 “She would not vomit” i like this character voice, but i think a bit more about why she would vomit would help. Is it because of nerves? Because the fruit is gross? If it's the fruit, why would that make her vomit? pg 5 “E was a flare” I forgot what this is “And what is on your robe” was this via telepathy?

1. yes, better! tho, I was still confused on why they agreed that GM was lying, but C still wanted to get full marks. 2. Nope! 3. Yes, I think so. I just hope the things you brought up in his pov get a payoff. I am especially curious about those 4 beds o.o 4. Yes, and i really want to know what she saw in the plane! I'm also glad E made a comeback. I dont have much to say with this one! I think, overall, I'm still fairly hungry for answers. I'm waiting for things to connect more so I can grasp whats going on.

1. The scene where W is tutoring N felt off to me. I think it was the dialogue and that I couldn't get a firm grasp on how they were saying things. It just felt a bit robotic to me. i did like the second half with all the phone calls: W standing up to A, W talking with E, and N being cute on the phone. But uh, yeah, you could definitely tighten up the dialogue and cut some things to make for a great chapter 2. This might be easier if I list them... A: I soooort of get where she is coming from, she wants more friends but doesn't want to be in a situation where she has to choose between W and the others. Her actions feel in character because she has been concerned about popularity and boys since the beginning. I don't necessarily like her or dislike her. She seems shady for sure. I mean, I probably wouldn't want her as a friend either, but i don't have strong feelings/opinions about her. E: I love him. he seems very down to earth and calm. But he and B seem to have a toxic relationship for sure. I don't know why they're together, (i expect we'll get more hints soon hopefully) and if you have to change someone's name in your phone....then yikes. N: I also love him. cute little woodland fairy that he is. he's spunky and different and i love it. W: Ah, W. Our problem child. There are a lot of things that are relatable with our MC, but there are also a lot of things that frustrate me. She definitely seems to be the source of her own drama at times but hopefully this is all part of her arc. 3. W seems like she has a wall up. I don't get major romantic vibes from her towards N. They are there, they're just subtle (most of the time). I do get the romantic vibes from N but I sometimes find myself asking the same thing W is asking: why her? I feel like W hasn't been the nicest to N so I wonder what draws him to her. This could just be WRS because I cant remember how all of they're interactions have gone. She honestly seems to like E more, which is understandable considering they dated. as i go: pg 1 “My brain is out to get him no matter what” no leave him alone >:( pg 2 -“Which is overwhelming to me” i get where she is coming from, it’s very relatable, but i'm reading everything she says in a sassy tone. She’s coming off aggressive in my head. -“If im coming across as passive-aggressive” whelp lol i didn’t see this till now. Yes, W, yes you are. pg 3 “Like i said” man, is this what I sound like? It sure is frustrating. relatable, but frustrating. “World of equations” pg 4 “parent you met” pg 5 -homecoming? Or prom? “Are you saying what i think you’re saying?” ehhhh this feels a bit on the cheesy side pg 6 -”i have another question about that” why not just ask instead of saying you have a question -”that wasn’t clear?” dialogue feels a bit unnatural on this page “why am i surprised when” yeah, why? “Sorry im like this” me too pg 7 "I assume you know what people are saying" see, she just sounds so unsympathetic. if someone said this to me i would think they are so rude. “Im going to need you to be” this sounds formal “Do i need to tell you?” the sass never ends pg 8 “You dont... trust me?” he’s like a little puppy pg 12/13 “I’ve decided i dont give a dam” dang girl, get it -dang E is so cute -and so is N :,) “Wait… what does she have against” okay this made me laugh pg 14 “I always have time for friends” i need me a friend like him -Okay her asking him so suddenly like that was cute, and his response was also cute. I am worried that she did it out of spite for A and B tho. pg 15 “Maybe i could give him a pat on the shoulder” you’re really getting me in the second half. “Later, gator” I love him :,)

Good to see you back! Hope you're recovering well! I enjoyed this! I like that Or is finally learning things and I look forward to what will happen next. The ending definitely pulls me onward. Also, I apologize for not having much to say, but I read through this chapter fairly quick and didn't have any major problems! pg 2 “If the doctor was a hologram she had bigger issues” what issues? is the doc a hologram or not? -disarmingly polite hologram” so the doctor is a hologram? bit confused “Do you think they will be paying your bill?” wait I thought B was paying, WRS i think pg 3 “They tapped the biofilm” a hologram that can interact with physical things? wait, is this a new technology that Or doesnt know about yet cause she’s been off the grid? pg 4 “Hologram humor” i think i missed the humor… is it because Or said “for research?” and then the doc said the same thing? “Yes that fine” that’s* “Patted her on the head again” when did they pat her the first time? I might've missed it pg 6 “I have your general information”

1. I was mostly engaged with the interaction with GM and then GM's pov because it seems like when we see GM we learn a bit more about what is going on. it's also nice to know that she isn't a brat for entirely no reason. she is worried about looking like a fool, and getting left behind(in more ways than one), and obviously had to make some sort of sacrifice and i am very interested to know what that is! I lost interest near the end when C was talking about doing homework. I think you can cut the last two pages down a lot. 2. No, nothing was confusing. There are parts that I don't understand yet but I expect they will be revealed in time. I am still wondering what happened with T and the plane. I felt like C would come back to that but she never did. 3. I don't have any problems with GM, I mean, she is very selfserving and rude but she is just a kid and it seems she has some reasons for the way she is. thoughts as i go: pg 1 “Its been ages since i had to find dog food” does nobody own dogs? Or feed their dogs? noting this as odd. pg 2 “Lets try again” so C and the shop owner think this is normal, and V doesnt, okay, good. I want more of this earlier in the story. “V just shakes his head” hmm this part seems to end abruptly pg 5 “The memory has become a bit fuzzy” oh noo, the curssseee -oh we’re switching to GM’s pov pg 6 “Lies awake at nights” lies awake at night or lies awake most nights? “A hollowed-out shadow of herself” hmmm pg 9 "dont underestimate me" yes, C, we love to hear it.

1. Yes, everyone's actions make sense here! Even the mom's. I dont even feel mad at her for what she did. She seemed so fed up with "the men." 2. Pacing doesnt feel like too much of a problem. Idk how many chapters there are total, but this may be a little too late to finally feel like i have an idea of whats going on. 3. Yes, and its a cool idea! I'm way more excited now that I know a little bit more about the wood stove. I think the thing you could focus the most on in this chapter is cutting. there was a lot of stuff that I feel we dont really need, like the processing chickens bit: it can be said in fewer words for sure. pg 1: “Grass is still crunchy with frost” nice visual! pg 1: “Dead chickens” noooo pg 2: “no amount of squaring” lol pg 3: -dang mama really aint messing around pg 4: “C is a ball of leaky misery” relatable - “c’s age? He cant remember.” how old is V anyway? - “How did he get here?” oh dang, spooky - “The first definitely concrete thing” i would take out "definitely" pg 6: “i think the adults are covering” yes, finally pg 7: “and the plane” oh yeah, what happened with the plane?? WRS, probably -“puts the energy on the outside” wait what? This came out of nowhere - is that how she avoids the curse tho? By expelling the evil energy? if so, you could probably hint at this earlier so we dont feel blindsided, maybe label it as meditating or something. pg 8: “you'll learn something you can't unlearn” hmmm, its like he wants her to know pg 9: “mopdog” ohhhh okay… i see now. welcome back doggo

Yay, new work looking forward to it. page 1 “That he was going to die today” nice, I'm intrigued. “Ofc, it he technically” aaaand you lost me. Emerging victorious in what? What route? “Overthinking everything, and all of the reasonable” i like what you're saying here but i think it could be reworded to make it simpler. “Leading up to the ceremony” what ceremony? “Whether or not M could be lying” im a bit unclear on everyone’s standing. Are M and N friends? What is M’s position/relationship with N? “False plans into the enemy’s hands” is N her enemy? Confused. -I think I need more setup before you get into suspecting M as a traitor. “not the typical purple ones” oooh nice. psychic crystals, im down. -i dont mind that N likes to overthink and you showed us that with all this traitor stuff but it feels like im jumping in the middle here with little understanding of who these people are or why i should care about whether M is a double agent. What would even be her goal or the benefit of her being a double agent? page 2 “Moving forward with the plan...couldnt live with the guilt” very confused, what plan? “His window to act was over” act to do what? I'm in the dark and i dont like itttt -I say in a whiny voice. page 3 “Im not going to challenge him” challenge who *crying emoji* “Acting up on the day” what day *more crying* “Well i think he’s warming” im having trouble picturing the environment around them as they have this conversation “M didnt expect her to appear” i think it would be good to remind the reader that M said this in the past. As it is now, it feels out of place page 5 -i like this information about gender and Z and N not being interested in the opposite sex but i feel like so far we’ve gotten a lot of information that we dont need right now. It feels vastly different from the opening of “will i die today” and a possibly menacing red angel. I think a prologue for a fantasy like this should do more than info dump. I need something exciting or unique to pull me in. this doesnt feel like a prologue to me. “His older brother” oh J is his older brother? “Crusty old man” lmao page 6 “He could continue acting as an agent” wait so he is an agent for M? I thought it was the other way around 1. This could definitely use more description. I only really noticed the names of people and places and that there was a colosseum, but that didnt really give me enough of a clear picture for the setting. Oh and that they wore head wraps but other than that, there wasnt a whole lot for me to grasp. I did like the magic tho, i would be excited to see where that goes! 2. Hard to say if its necessary but it quite doesnt feel like a prologue. It leaves me with confusion rather than interest. 3. I honestly dont have a good grasp on any of the characters but that may be because I wasnt too sure what was going on. Z seems cool. And S seems cute and caring. N is okay but i think he died. Yeah, I just dont feel like I really met them. 4. Too little for sure! 5. i really dont know where this story is going cause i was confused but I think the magic crystals have a lot of potential! I thought the RA would play more of a part but maybe it will in the future.

um, you have piqued my interest.

I am very late this but its been a busy week! Im going to try not to sound too repetitive because i think everyone is saying pretty much the same things. (but im probably just going to sound repetitive anyway, sorry) So lets talk about the good things! I think all these pieces have good bones; I see a lot of potential. With a bit more work, I could really get into this. I also want to mention the worldbuilding. I think it’s good, I can see the little specks of info you’ve dropped and I appreciate that. It feels like you have a lot of the world created in the background. Especially since you have a map and a timeline, though I can't make much sense of anything now. I have a vision in my head of where I think this could go and if you go in that direction, I think it could be good. But also, I haven't quite seen what makes this different from other medieval fantasy/fiction* stories. *(I actually don't even really know what genre this is, but there are knights sooo) Last day: Like others have said, it's hard to get into something when we don't have a lot of groundwork laid out for us. I think simply adding some more names sooner would make this way more understandable (because idk who is saying what). I had a hard time picturing what was going on and when I can't do that, I skim over it and tag it as unimportant. To be fair, I skim most epigraphs that don't have a lot of grounding or importance to me. They are really hard to do well, imo. Though, I do have some appreciation for what you're trying to do. But there’s so much hidden from the reader that it's just so hard to get into. I don't know how important this piece is to the story but if you really want to keep it, you should add more sensory words and describe things more. Paint us a clearer picture. I also think scenes like this definitely work better in film. There's more wiggle room for cryptic vague intros when we can actually see what's going on. 59th: I think we have a solid start. There’s more description here and I can picture what's going on in my head. But, like the previous doc, there’s a bit too much hidden from the reader. I found that readers don’t really like when you hide things from them (most of the time) I mean, you can do a mystery well without it feeling like anything has been hidden. But it seems like there's some information we might be missing here. I think you can sprinkle it in and at the same time, flesh out your characters more. Give us more hints about what's going on, maybe through their thoughts. It would also be an excellent time for more worldbuilding. We have Tom and his goal is clear, to save his comrades. But why? What did they do? Maybe we don't exactly need that information now but a hint would be good: just a short sentence from Tom’s voice that tells us what is going on. Tom could definitely be an unreliable narrator and maybe use hyperbole to explain to us what is going on (at least that’s the direction I could see him going). Tell us why they are considered traitors and raise the stakes. I felt like the tension was lacking in this because Tom just blew through those guards. Like others have said, too much action, not enough emotion, unclear stakes. 60th: I don’t really have anything to say that hasn't been said but once you iron these out, I can see it being really good. Especially if you continue to switch between the kids hunting their father and the POV of their fathers companions, I could see it being really interesting if (when) they ever finally meet. I do like that the characters from the previous bit are noted here. That makes things feel more connected. I think the lowest age you could get away with is 12, but even then they'd have to be really smart twelve year olds.

I don’t have much to say because this is mostly identical to the version you sent me a while back. So, im just going to agree with things other people said I agree with this, but im not sure how you could fix this or what exactly the focus is. I don't know if you want us to feel really heart broken about it. I didn't like Sue back when I hopped into the middle of the book and I still don't really care for her now. Ir said she doesn't really see her anymore so I don't think there's really anything to be done about it (maybe). I get the feeling that its not so much about us caring about Sue or even their relationship but about how much pressure there is on Ir and how she feels about her sister, if that makes sense. This is a good point— the revolutionaries def seem like they are going to play a bigger part. But I don't know how much of a part they will actually play in the full story. I was under the impression that Ir played a bigger role in the restaurant, and she wasn't just C's protege. It felt to me like C, Ir, and G were all kinda up there in management, C being at the top ofc. Also, Ir's joke about the garlic feels natural to me. It gives me a sense of their relationship. It's exactly why I was under the impression of Ir holding more power in the restaurant, I mean, C even trusts her to create new dishes in place of the tuna. And she's been training her since she was 8! C definitely seems like the type to not get angry over a joke like this. But that's just my opinion Yes, I remember Ir's activeness being meh. I am excited to see how you handled this in the most recent draft! I am also curious about what the revolutionaries actually do, since I didn't see too much of them. But yes, as of now, it feels like they will be more up front in the story.

I continue to breeze through your chapters. W gets more relatable the further i get into the story. While I do think you can cut back on the first part, I also love some of the things W says. But uh kill your darlings i guess. I am happy that the magic talk happened but it does feel very short, I hope that W comes back to it in the next chapter so we can start getting more information. This chapter left me with a lot of questions. Also, the character interactions in this chapter were great! I was engaged throughout and am now very curious about what the heck happened with N, B, and E. Why does W still think N cheated? Did he really cheat? If so, who with? What happened to B that made her vary of E? Who is the murderer? Why are E and B together? Will E and N ever get together? Tune in next week! as i go: Pg 5 “Yes, that does make sense.” she sounds very formal Pg 6 “Literal murder.” o.o Pg 7 “Something else you want to tell me?” i was confused about who said this the first time reading it. Pg 8 “I dont need to watch over her” so he has to watch over her, and dating her isnt his choice...hmmm… interesting…. Pg 9 -i feel like E should hesitate more when telling W about magic. He is very quick to tell W and i get that he is drinking but still. And if he isn’t supposed to tell W, maybe make that more clear. "Agh, I really shouldn't be telling you this, my gpa wants it on the down low, but screw him." Actually, i agree with @C_Vallion Pg 10 “Did you help him on the poster?” i actually think W glossing over the magic bit is realistic. If someone told me the same thing and I wasn’t sure if they were telling the truth or playing a prank, i would try to switch topics for fear of looking like a fool for believing in magic. “I can message him” E is too nice Pg 11 “Making sure i was eating enough” stop giving me reasons to ship them -actually, i ship E with everyone cause he just seems like a good dude. -agree with @shatteredsmooth that there’s a better way to reveal N being bi.

I think this chapter suffers from the same problems that the last one does. We keep getting more mysterious and odd things piling on top of each other and it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m still looking for which direction this story is going. There’s also still a lack of emotion/reaction from the characters. T doesn’t think that a talking raven is weird, but she thinks the fact that he is green is odd. There must be something that passes the line of normalcy and shocks the children. You could maybe get away with all these random oddities if the POV characters were just as confused as we are, but C and T are just like, “oh a talking raven that transforms into a boy, that’s not weird, but this huge plane sure is weird even tho it’s been in T’s barn for years.” Actually, even having V come in and tell C which things aren’t normal would help a ton. The readers need to be grounded I feel like. Another problem I had is, though this one might just be me, that I felt like things just seemed to happen; the flow felt off. I think I feel this way because I don’t know what to focus on or what direction anything is going. I thought we got a little more direction with V, maybe he would come in and he and C would try to uncover what's going on, but then C helped T with groceries and they started looking into this barn and it felt like a side plot that I don't care about. I think @Mandamon sums this up nicely. I will say that I was more engaged when it switched to T’s pov. I liked that the teacher told her to be cautious of C and that T saw something strange in the airplane, though will it actually be strange or normal? I’m not sure. The tone is fine, but this chapter does feel very distant.

Overall The pacing is okay. I don't have any major complaints with it. Nor did anything feel particularly boring. Everything is still very odd and unusual, but I feel like there might be too many oddities and it leads me to be very confused. I want to know where the line is with "normal." I get that what she considers normal is different from "our normal" but I'm very unclear on what is normal and what isn't in this world. I do want to know what is up with this town, but i think there is too much going on for me to get a clear picture. So, I have no idea where this is going. I really don't know what the bigger picture is. It feels very small right now. Another frustration I have is with our protag. I feel like C is way too trusting and her level of naivety makes me think she is very young, so I'm not sure this is in the realm of YA. I want her to think a bit more critically. I hate how she trusts GM so much and doesn't think the people around her are suspicious in anyway. C acts normal enough, but nobody else does and she doesn't bat an eye at that. At this point, I'm not sure if I would read on (i will of course tho lol i just meant as a random reader). I love the mystery but im just not willing to follow C. The writing is smooth though and there wasn't any glaring technical errors! I read through fairly quick and was entertained throughout the whole thing the mystery is great. thoughts as i go: Pg 1 -“What could it be?” im not crazy about the distant narrator here. Feels very MG. -i kind of want C to come to the conclusion that G-M is the only possible person to have put the earrings in the fire. Especially since you’ve moved this to only YA. edit: i guess its smart of C not to assume it was GM because later GM says they aren't hers. Gotta keep the possibilities open. -“Since the essay and films went strange” did i miss something about films? -“Like diamonds being shiny” im not sure what you're trying to say here. That C thinks the diamonds are too shiny and that means she’s cursed? -“A real diamond from a magical one” oh so there’s magical diamonds? … hmm.. Perhaps you should bring this in a bit earlier, like as soon as she noticed that the diamonds look extra beautiful, she can be like “no… it cant be… it couldn't possibly be those [magical] diamonds, but they do look awfully shiny” -“Other signs of the supposed curse” how does she know this? Where did she hear about the signs of the curse? -“Not about shiny jewelry” wait now i'm confused, are there magical shiny diamonds or not? If she only knows that the curse makes you forget things and has never heard anything about diamonds, then why is she worried about the diamonds? Or is it just that she is worried that her mind is focusing too much on the diamonds when she normally wouldn’t and THAT is a sign of the curse? Pg 2 -“Strange in the sense that C does not know him” i would probably cut this part out and go straight to the hair being vines and leaves and grapes hanging off him because that is far more strange than her just not knowing him. After describing his “plantness” you could say “C has never seen anything like this.” or something like that. Edit: actually, I see what you're saying now: it's a small enough town that C knows everyone in the town so it's strange that she doesn't know him… so maybe this is fine as is. I just didn't make the connection right away. -“Nobody has put numbers to ages since before” this is interesting, i like this. But i think it might be good info to know earlier… it really caught me off guard. -“The never-ending present” whoa whoa whoa. Now we got some wishy washy time stuff? And a “before” time. I'm into it, but it seems like a lot on top of the curse and the stove and the vine boy. There's a lot going on in this town! And we’re only on chap 2! -“Nothing ever happens in the town” ...really… nothing? Pg 3 -“Everyone in the town knows everyone else’s name and face” and “it is impossible to meet a stranger” this would’ve been a good reminder earlier when you said it was strange that she didn't know the boy -“Ch rolls into the main room” lol -"now, where should we put you" dad is very sus. I want to know whats up with him. also, isn't V in the room? does he think the talking bowling ball is normal? was the bowling ball actually expecting him? -"put you up here" up where? -"get along like a house on fire" heh... yeah... Pg 4 -“Some old westerns” ah, okay. Those films. WRS i guess -“Except for V” kind of hitting us over the head on reminding us that he isn't from the town Pg 5 -“C would probably think it normal” yeah the line between what C thinks is normal and what isn't is a bit blurry. Her dad being a literal ball isn't weird, but vineboy is strange? Edit: she does mention this later on, so that's good. -“I want to get this curse” im unclear on who is saying this Pg 6 -“Latent chosen one abilities” lol, meta Pg 7 -“In that case, it looks like they’ll remain a mystery” this feels very stilted. -C is very gullible and naive. Pg 8 -“Towns like C dont have many teachers” is this repetition intentional? Is this as if C forgot that she already gave us this exact info in the previous sub? Or did you edit this out of last week’s sub? If this is intentional, it feels very lemony snicket. -“taken aback that anyone can be produced” Is C alright… lol -is the curse in the water? Otherwise, what was the point of us seeing that chem class? Pg 9 -“Could GM be lying?” her? No, neeeever. -“Im sure she wouldn't lie” girl why are you so gullible