karamel

wow this makes so much more sense! there is so much more detail and everything is much clearer in the beginning. So, I don't have much to say about the missing pages, other than they were sorely missed and this raises a ton more questions for me. The tear is alive (sort of)! that's bizarre. I'm much more interested. Also, im just gonna add my comments here so you dont have to reread my comments from earlier. pg 1: "paddled her way through the air" and "technique to 'swim' through the air." okay so, there's air, but no gravity right? I dont know much about this but I thought you couldn't swim through the air in zero gravity? I think it would have such a minimal effect that it would be pointless, cause air isnt dense enough or something. to move, you would have to push off things and propel yourself. I honestly dont know though, so you could be fine and I could be wrong. pg 2: "as tears streamed down her face" wait so there is gravity? otherwise, would the tears not just... float in the air? idk how it works but thats my assumption lol "the voice said with a tinge of sadness" the tear has feelings? oh my

I love HelloFutureMe! I've been listening to his videos while I work at home! good recommendation

Wow, is this what it's like to be first? *crickets* ...its lonely. ahem, anyway... I wasn't gonna be too nitpicky on this, but I forget myself sometimes, so, sorry about that. Page 1 -oof i was really confused at the beginning. I went back and tried to figure out if there was a chapter i missed but… i guess i didnt. This beginning seems like it belongs in the middle, or maybe it needs a good opening line that tells the reader what's going on. I get that it's a void and there's lights described but it was very disorienting for me. -”drooling on the throne room floor.” How does she know this? I assumed she didn't know what the thing did at the end of the last chapter but now she knows she is not in her body? From the last chapter’s ending, i thought she had physically transported to somewhere else -”E felt her body sweep” oh… so she is in her body? “Flesh sagging downwards” makes me think she looks like a saggy grandma Page 2 -”pressing down on her. Penetrating her.” would it be “pressing down on her, penetrating her.”? a comma instead? -”All she saw was the black eyes focusing on her” this sounds odd for some reason, I think it's the “the.” maybe just say “all she saw was black eyes” Page 3 -”by pretending to be just another tyrant,” Is tyranny better? -”E put a hand to her forehead.” Page 5 -I was not expecting a change in pov, but aight let's go. -”They weren’t literal fires, of course,” oh, yeah i was picturing literal fires lol -”She could smell sweat and adrenaline,” what does adrenaline smell like? Hmm, sweat yes, maybe. I think saying it smells like adrenaline is too telling, but you were on the right track with sweat. Maybe it smells like sweat and.. Breath? Idk what other smells would make you think of adrenaline lol there is also some filtering going on, which doesn't bother me, but ya know. maybe it would work better if you said “the thick scent of sweat from adrenaline hung in the air like smoke” ? but maybe that's too wordy. watch me focus too much on one sentence like a fool -”a few paces off and began floating alongside her as she approached and jogged up the stairs” this sentence had too much going on, it was a bit hard to follow Page 6/7 -”against those…monstrosities.” yes, the mysterious monstrosities. -”next level down” had to think about this one. I see now that you mean next level down in power and not literally like in the building. Heh, silly me. Chapter 3: Aside from being confused in the beginning, I thought the stuff with E and the ominous voice was cool. It kinda felt like a world between worlds and I was down for that. I definitely feel like you set some things up. I am confused, though, about whether E knew what was happening or not. She seemed to be fully aware of where she transported the next time (with all the floaty people (not people)) but it wasn't clear if she knew where she was in the glowy-lines void. Btw, i also liked that the floaty robots have their own void (like in "the good place"). at least, that's how i pictured it. Chapter 4: I definitely felt like more happened in the third chapter compared to the fourth. I think you can just call this all one chapter rather than two, or find a way to blend them more so that its all one. Also, the ending of the fourth chapter doesn't really propel me into the next chapter, i am unsure if i would read on (i mean i will of course if you submit further, but like objectively, i'm not like, “omg i have to read the next chapter.”) Overall: I am most curious about the things you set up in previous chapters and in the third chapter: about what A was talking about before he died regarding E, what the tear is and what is its connection to E, E and G's past, etc. I know some of this wont be explained until later but I dont care as much about the state of affairs in the galaxy. Perhaps its because I don't have enough information about the way everything works yet to care. Maybe its because the stakes dont feel tangible to me. E has mistakenly declared herself a tyrant(which btw is objectively hilarious), but she was already sort of going to do that, right? Idk, maybe im thinking too much. I'll just answer your question, was this too info dumpy? No, I didn't think so. I do think this has a lot of potential. And the povs felt different enough to me. I do appreciate some good set ups and I hope they get paid off. Like those monstrosities, i wanna know what those are. so, yeah

I did do some edits on it but there are still things i want to rewrite and clear up. I can send you a google doc (shared with a link that doesn't require you to have a gmail) with comments on what I want to change if you are okay with that!

So! I started this last week but had a hard time getting through it (because life and also the reasons I explain below), so that’s why it took me longer to reply to this. Honestly, I’m probably not the best person to read this because I just don't read a lot of scifi, but I still wanted to offer what I could. Page 1 -upon my first reading of this page, it all made sense for the most part. N is concerned about these saplings, got it. I'm trusting that this will lead somewhere. there is a pretty big gap between the first line of dialogue and the next. when i first read it i was wondering who N was talking to. -the whole “a N year not an earth year” gave N character, i liked that, because i would be the same if i were in the same position. Time is wild. -I think the second paragraph can be cut down or reworded so that we get to Y’s line quicker. There’s still a lot of info on the first page that i'm not sure we need yet, like the mention of the HG pilots. I don't know what they are yet so it might be better to mention them after I'm more grounded. -also, i'm not sure if N is a name or a species. Page 2 -so either i'm really out of it, which is totally possible, or this is over complicated, they’re just hauling plants and i feel like i had to do more work than necessary to comprehend that Page 3 -i glazed over a bit at the description of the doors/film sheath. Page 5 -oh so the film in the doorway is for the plants? I see now Page 6 -”maybe K just really got on her nerves” ha, good line. Page 8-10 -i had trouble staying engaged on these pages. There was a lot of good stuff that was bogged down by terms/things/places i didnt know. -also we are only just now learning that N has 8 fingers on her hands (pg 10). I feel like descriptions like that should be noted earlier. Page 15 -a lot of stuff is getting explained on this page and i feel like it should come earlier if possible. Page 16 -im hoping these seeds go somewhere -i think N’s goal is to get money? Im not clear on her motives yet. Page 17-19 Im connecting more on these pages, with N on the ship not wanting to hear her high priest uncle Page 20 -”because she was a masochist at heart,” lol nice Page 21 -”I’m a huge fan of colonization narratives.” I think I said this before but I really like Y. he seems like a fun person. Page 23 -i think this is the first time it's mentioned that N has copper skin. It might be the second and if it is, I missed it. Page 27 “Zoom in” Overall: This definitely had its moments, but I had a hard time overall connecting to the story. I don't want to repeat what everyone else has said, but there was just so much that I didn’t understand. There were so many things set up that didn’t pay off for me. This felt like an actual chapter setting up a long story rather than a prologue. As a prologue, it lacked punch. It didn’t draw me in and keep me hooked. Did it give me solid grounding in the world without overwhelming? Ehhhhh, it was better than the last sub but I was still overwhelmed. Would I read to the next chapter? Mehhhhh, probably not. Again though, I might just not be the right person for this story. I did really like the characters though, this definitely has a lot of potential! I really liked N and Y's personality but because I had a hard time picturing everything, it was hard to connect with them. I think once you clear some things up, it will help readers like me connect more and focus on the important things. Aside from all the confusing bits, the story did flow really well. I think the voice is consistent (by itself, Idk about compared to other books) and I would be interested to learn more about N and Y once things are more clear in the story

This was a nice short read! I love the dialogue and content, there is a lot of great stuff in here, but there isn’t enough description to keep me grounded, imo. Usually with pieces as short as this, I expect every line to be meaningful and have more of an emotional impact, and I feel like some of that was missing here. Maybe it was just that the pacing was a little too quick for my liking, but I felt like there should be more (not length wise, emotion wise). I got that she was a wacky/creative older woman from the way she spoke with her daughter and I enjoyed that quite a bit. She seemed open minded and curious about the world and it was sweet. The way her daughter talked to her made me feel like maybe the daughter and everyone else saw her as senile, which was kind of sad because it reminded me of someone suffering from dementia. That, or it's kind of like how older people are like children in many ways, and usually adults don’t believe when their children see bizarre things, but in this story the daughter doesn't believe her mom. Her daughter dismisses her mom’s imagination and wants to focus on boring adult stuff like taxes. I also got the message that the older woman meeting the alien at the end was like her meeting death and accepting that it's her time to move on. So I feel like maybe her obsession with the peony took away the opportunity to have her own experiences… or something like that. I’m obviously not good with symbolism. Unless… she literally got abducted by aliens… which is also cool… ORRR the peony was the symbol for her bad experiences that shaped the way she lived because she wasn't able to get over them and that's why she is sad about it at the end when the alien grim reaper has come to take her away. Maybe she wished that she could have been there for her daughter more? Yes, I agree but actually did not cut that to get to 998 words, although I didn't feel the smell bit added anything, and actually jiggered with the pacing. If you did cut the smell bit, you could perhaps introduce some surprise with the ending, which was not all that surprising, as @kais said, since I feel like 84% of alien encounter stories end up with someone sailing away with them. (I mean, even the Styx song ). I thought smell bit enforced the idea that she still has curiosity in the way a child does (I could be wrong though). Maybe it can be cut down a bit but it didn't feel too out of place for me.

Thoughts as i go: Page 1 -I feel like there isn't enough setting in the first sentence(s). It took me a sec to remember that “oh yeah Ir is in prison” -”missed the sound of hooves on stone” at first i thought she was saying she missed it, like she wanted to hear that sound again, but now i get that she didn’t hear BK walking up. -”sire!” this is probably just me because i did hop in mid novel, but has Ir ever called him sire before?? Page 2 -””No,” Ir swore.” I could be wrong, but I think putting a comma and then saying she swore makes it sound like “no” is the swear, which i don't think it's meant to be. I picture her mentally swearing after saying no, so you would just replace the comma with a period. -how are her hands trying to pull her out? That makes it seem like they are a living being separate from Ir. -also, i'm bummed that BK still doesn't trust her. Page 7 -”there was a grace to him” I like this sentence Page 7-9 I am a bit confused about where everything is taking place, but this is probably because I haven't spent any time inside the palace so i don't know how things are laid out. Did the rebels enter through that hidden passageway? Is this all happening near there? At the southern hall? But Ir never made it there because the soldiers were marching by right? And why does the BK need names? Didn't Ir say it was easy to tell revolutionary from soldier? Oh, is it because he doesn't want to kill Sue and T? So, this was my thought process upon my first read, when i read it over a second time, it all made more sense. Page 10 -”Ir, names!” I love moments like this where the battle is raging on but the MC is having a crisis and the people around them need something from them but they’re just sitting there in shock. *chefs kiss* -So i feel like there is usually some sort of turning point in a battle scene, where one side has turned the tides and has more power, and clearly this happens around T’s death when BK is like “we’re winning, surrender or die” but i don't feel like that turning point was clearly explained, it sort of just happened. Maybe adding something that tells us clearly that the revolutionaries were dying at a higher rate than soldiers and are now outnumbered, so they should give up. Until BK said they should surrender, I didn't have a clear grasp on who had the upper hand, because previously Ir said that the civilians outnumbered the soldiers. Overall: I love that we are getting some consequences. I think T’s death was totally necessary and will hopefully bring on some important realizations in Sue and/or Ir. I think you did a great job in portraying the emotional punch of T’s death, even if I wasn’t necessarily torn up about it (because technically I haven't met him) I did feel bad for Sue because she didn’t even get to be with him in his last moments, but they went into this hopefully knowing they were risking death. I also kinda wished Ir had done more in the battle, even though it technically doesn't make sense for her since she isn't trained. I mean she did give one name, but I wanted her to do more. My biggest problem with this chapter was lack of detail/description. The attack felt short to me and I had some trouble picturing everything happening. but yeah, overall, it was a nice change of pace, I do love death and gore in a totally non-serial killer way.

Notes while reading: Page 1 -”as thick as tree trunks and big as logs” what's the difference between tree trunks and logs? Aren’t logs just tree trunks not in the ground? Yes, I googled it and a log is just a trunk that's not rooted in the ground. hm, then I wonder if there is a better comparison for his arms. Page 2 -”jeshu kris” i read this as jesus christ but in like broken english -”Tattered white robes” you used this wording at the beginning of this page and at the end- bit repetitive Page 6 -”you chose G. and now that she's gone” much better intro of G! I'm more curious to learn about what happened now. Makes me think that maybe G and Ek were related and this is like a lineage thing. -”her pure black eyes” i think it would sound better to just say eyes. “Pure black” feels like it has been used too much. Page 8 -”’intriguing,’ T said.” so I noticed that Ell said “intriguing” a lot and I thought that added to her voice but now T has also said it in the same fashion and it doesn't seem unique to El anymore, just repetitive. Overall: Very strong start compared to before! This is definitely much better. Though, I was a lot more engaged in the first chapter than the second chapter. I sort of glazed over some of the meeting when they were talking about communications and such. But the ending was good! I am def curious to know where she is and why the crystal transported her somewhere else. I think it might be better if you gave us a bit more about where she transported to at the end. its like the classic problem of ending a chapter with, "She opened the door and gasped." rather than telling us specifically what made her gasp. Most of my problems were just with the repetition of some phrases and also some of the dialogue was still adolescent sounding (i.e. "ultra idiot") but yeah, overall, everything read well and I would read on!

This chapter was fairly exciting! I'm looking forward to whats next! Page 1 -”but she delayed from knocking” this wording feels off but i can't say why -”she knocked” oh she only just now knocked? I thought she was knocking earlier with the heavy soup in hand -”once, neither cared what the other wore” i thought this should've been “for once, neither cared” the first time i read it but now that i'm rereading it i think it's saying “at some point in the past, neither cared what the other wore.” Page 4 -”you’re too cowardly” that escalated quickly! Page 5 -”I still love you” I dont believe it “I love you, S said” she’s saying it too much, somethings gonna happen Page 6 -”her skin prickling with adrenaline” Maybe not her skin but her heart? Her heart would speed up because of adrenaline. I think. -when T and I unlock this door” i knew it. Sue you traitor! Page 7 -”And not for a prank,” this sentence is a little repetitive, we’ve already established this Page 9 -”Threated to defeat her” threatened ? Page 10 -”The guards probably saw her as a distraction” hmm my first thought isn't that they would see her in this way, more like they are just following protocol. -Ir seems to be making a huge deal about the threat of the rebels but they haven’t really been portrayed that way so far. Page 11 -did he leave his post to bring her to prison? Maybe it would work better if he called someone else over to take her in, then you can mislead us a bit. Also I feel like threats should be taken seriously, i mean yeah Ir would be suspicious to them but they should also not take things like this lightly. But maybe they get threats on the daily so they are trained not to take evverrrything seriously. -wait she is getting sent to the guillotine? What if she was telling the truth? Would the guards not face serious consequences if she was actually a valuable asset to BK? I would think they would not jump to conclusions so quickly. Overall: I like where you’re going with this, a lot of tension and drama and I love it. But definitely feels like I can see the author’s hand in Ir just being thrown into jail so quickly in order for her to be out of the way so that other things can happen. Also I would like to kindly disagree with what others have said about the guards recognizing her UNLESS they are the same guards that are always there and they have had interactions with her. I actually have some experience in this department at an art museum When I'm posted at a gallery that has an exit/entrance but isn't the main entrance, I have make sure that the people coming into the museum either work at the museum or have paid for a ticket, and even if i recognize the customer (i.e. they just left to go into the garden and i saw them leave and they wanna come back into the museum) I still have to ask for a ticket. Also there are a lot of employees at the museum and i don't remember every single one of them (i've been there for 4 years and i still dont recognize some of them) and its typical for the employees to ALWAYS have their name badges/employee cards on them where I can see them so its easier for me to see that they are okay to enter its just protocol yo I know Ir's situation and my situation are different but still, my first thought wasn't that they should recognize her. thats all im saying.

Overall: I really like the tone and setting of this chapter! W and Ir have distinct voices. I pictured W as the generic white bearded captain smoking his pipe. There were just some sentences that were a little long and muddled but overall, it read really well and I had little to no problems understanding everything I could def see this as an opening for a show, you've given me a clear picture of the environment. I was kind of expecting W to die at the end, like the prologue of a game of thrones. But in that prologue, it set up stakes very well. this prologue is just telling us setting and sort of introducing the MC. that's why i was expecting something bad to happen in this chapter that would set up a problem. but then again, I'm easy to please and the lack of stakes didn't bother me too much. I was very interested in the world and curious to see where this was all going. After some edits and some higher stakes, this could be a great prologue! I agree with @Robinski that it was pretty wordy and repetitive at some points. Page 1 - good intro, I already have a firm grasp on the “steampunkness.” My only complaint about the opening line is that you said “through the air” twice. -”as it got near the ground” I would say “as it neared the ground” -”a century early” would a century earlier work better? -”but the tug was searching for something else” oooh yes, setting me up for something, i love it -you introduced the character early enough and incorporated description of the ship/world with action of MC and that's great! I was worried I might be bombarded with loads of description but this first page works really well. -”the deckhand manning the floodlight” for some reason, I was picturing W alone. Page 3 -”W addressed the flower” I thought the vine was evil until he talked to it. I thought for sure something was gonna spray out of the flower. -”shy, but didn’t like talking when it wasn’t necessary.” same, spirit ship, same. Page 4 -oooh i love the abandoned-giant-armor-thrown-into-a-junkyard-which-tells-us-there’s-some-history-here-or-maybe-some-foreshadowing vibes. (were all those dashes necessary and did they make sense? No, but i'm sticking with it) okay but for real, I love when characters come across rusty relics or giant statues that are covered in moss or just flat out destroyed. For the same reason I love abandoned houses in real life. There is a history here and it’s interesting to imagine what these things looked like in their prime and to imagine why they were abandoned or how they got to this worn down state. Okay, rant over Page 6 -”are you sure that’s wise?” NO, NOT WISE. Page 7 -”following him as he smoked his pipe.” -”there was a mechanism which had opened the chest was only partially working,” this sentence confused me. First, I think you’re missing a word, “the chest that was only partially working” but also the sentence is a little muddled. Second, Idk if “a someone in the center” works for me. I might just say “someone in the center” but then in the next sentence, you’ve repeated that there was a man in the center. Maybe just cut parts of that transition sentence and reword it so that it’s clearer and flows better into the next paragraph without repeating the “person in the center” bit. Page 8 -nice set up at the end! I am curious to know what happens next with the MC.

Agh, I'm late. I wanted to post this yesterday but... seems headaches are in season for me. Anyway! Onward! Overall: This was a nice chapter! I just think you can cut down or just rephrase a few things to make them more impactful and not feel as repetitive (in BK's case). Page 1 -so im wondering what else BK went to this place to do. I feel like earlier you set up that there was more for Ir to do than get just one name but i think that's all she did? I mean its fine if BK just went to this place to rob G of his crystal but i just felt like more was gonna happen so my expectations were not quite met. -”that a human had been caught” is she talking about W? If so, would it be more powerful to just say, “Ir waited for news of W’s capture” or something like that. -there were a lot of flowers mentioned, but i thought they were in a field of grass? Or maybe they got the flowers from somewhere else and moved to the grass? But why wouldn't they just be sitting in a field of flowers? I like that you put in all the names of the flowers but it might be better to just stick with one or two. Page 2 -”she did not regret… etc” I feel like there’s some telling going on in this sentence/paragraph. -”there had been a certain power” yes, Ir, turn to the dark side, please -”she wasnt the traitor, S and T were” yesss ir, they’re the traitors. I like this firmness in her thinking. -took me a sec to realize this was BK’s POV. i think using his real name might help because Ir refers to him as “The BK,” and having him refer to himself as “Az'' would really define that this is his POV. Page 3 -i always love BK’s pov. -I do like that Ir thinks BK doesn't think about her or regard her at all and yet here he is concerned about her loyalty and her personal relationships. I get that he wants her for her magic but in this first paragraph, it seems like he actually cares about her. Especially since he smiled to himself. #bkisnoteviljustmisunderstood -A lot of BK’s stuff on this page is repeating what we know and I know that it’s nice to know that he knows it but we already know, ya know? -”were not creatures to be tested lightly” ? Page 4 -yes, love the description of B. -”wouldn’t know when she arrived home” ? Page 6 -”she told it, and therefore R” i had to read this a few times to understand that she was telling the statue as well as the god. -”Ir tried not to let the absence of.. etc” okay, i get that family is really important to her and her sister’s absence is a sad thing. But she hasn’t seen her sister in a really long time, right? She seems to be getting on fine without her sister, and she has a lot to distract her. After this long, she is probably used to not seeing her sister. Idk, it could still hurt her, but her "burying the pain deep down" just seems a little much. Page 8 -”they still love us” dang, thats cold lol Page 9 -”its not that simple” Page 10 -”slammed the door in her face, either.” i dont think you need this “either” -”leaning against the doorway” repetitive Page 11 -”s’s eyes were cold, her expression blank” this is too similar to what you’ve already said. I would say either change it or add that they were still cold and blank. Page 12 -nice closing! Glad to see progress with them.

I read this a few days ago but didn’t get a chance to write my thoughts down. So here we go! Also, I wrote a lot of this well into the night so excuse me for overthinking anything. Anddd I haven’t read the other comments so forgive me for repeating things. Overall: This is a nice chunk o writing! I did enjoy reading it for the most part and I got star wars vibes, which is good because that’s familiar to me. but I can see places where it dragged on a bit. I’m always trying to remind myself to question everything’s purpose in my own writing and making sure everything I put in is absolutely necessary, and I think, if possible, you could cut down the death scene of the emperor. I wasn't too sure of the tone. The story may not be taking itself seriously enough(mostly in the dialogue), or maybe it’s taking itself too seriously. I'm not sure. Also, with the things you’ve set up (tone wise) i assume there won't be a heavy focus on action in the rest of the story, especially starting right after an assumed big battle scene. I am always looking for things that are set up with foreshadowing and stuff and I think you have a decent amount of goals to work towards. You def left me with a lot of questions. Page 1 -are they on a ship without gravity? How is El floating? But I thought Ek strode up the stairs, so there is gravity. Oh, btw, yes I picture this all happening on a ship. Throne room made me think of emperor Palpatine's throne room. -”I guess that makes you an ultra idiot” seems a little disney channel-esque. Page 2 -”He has to balance economics, cultural differences, wars, natural disasters… etc” this is a v good point. Thats always a problem with taking down empires, the rebels never really have a coherent plan for what's next, it seems. -”Reasons you will never know, not now.” will she never know or just not now? Did he mean “not anymore”? -”rest of the station.” ah, so a space station Page 3 -”someone who doesn’t really exist?” ooh, interesting. I am curious to know what this means. -”like a dinner glass.” this threw me off a bit, seemed like a very modern comparison. Are they eating dinner on glass 8000 years in the future? I was going to say are they “still” eating on glass...but my dishes are ceramic i think. But i think some people have glass plates. What did the plates look like when Anakin cut that pear in attack of the clones? But that was a long time ago so that's different. nevermind. -”Then the soldiers cheered.” i'm having trouble grasping the level of seriousness you’re going for. I guess I could see something like this happening in star wars… idk cheering just always seemed sorta cheesy to me, especially in a serious situation like this, and this is their second time cheering too. but they did just “free” a galaxy so that would be a valid reason for cheering, but even then aren't they still on edge? Assuming they all were just in some sort of battle. Maybe i'm thinking too much into this… -”it was over” was it over when they finally beheaded the emperor or was it over in the very beginning sentence? I just feel like this contradicts your opening sentence. What defines when a galaxy is free? I think the opening line would be more appropriately stated after they killed the emperor because usually that's when it’s really over. -”She just hovered there, knowingly.” Page 4 -”All her troubles were over now. Right?” yeahh, ruling a galaxy is easy peasy lemon easy. Page 5 -”El floated up beside her” ive been wondering what El’s purpose is. She seems to be some sort of comfort to Ek, but she hasn’t done a whole lot. -”her spiral shell.” … is she a snail? -”didn’t they?” she said.” this is a personal stylistic thing, but i would use “she asked.” -”She clenched her jaw.” ugh, i'm constantly clenching my jaw. Unrelated to the story… but yeah its annoying lol -“Er, so to speak.” i wasn’t clear on who said this -”a rare show of emotion for the e species.” oh so she isnt human… I see now. Well now I picture El like Eve from Wall-e. -”just…whoosh.” She imitated an explosion with her hands.” this is another personal preference, but I would do “just...” She imitated an explosion with her hands. “Whoosh.” or something like that. -“Ever the optimist, my young friend.” i like this line for some reason. Adds character i think Page 6 -”as thicccc as tree trunks and arms strong enough to lift them.” lift what? The legs or tree trunks? -”He shook his head in amazement.” i've been on a “less is more” kick, so I don't think you need this line in here. The paragraph works fine and flows better into the next paragraph without it. -”you were from another world, sir,’ she said.” even here, i don't think you need the dialogue tag because i assumed it was just Ek and G talking -lotta themes in that last paragraph, i dig it. Page 7 -”followed by violent periods of unrest and anarchy.” yes, indeed, very wise -lot of characters on this page. I think I was fine until the intro of A and R. Once you introduced R i was like ahhh this is too many people to remember at once. -”off-limits” feels too modern and teenagery. Page 8 -”We currently hold the tower, obviously,” this “obviously” makes me think he is a snarky little fellow. Is it normal to respond this rudely to his commander? -“transparent, featureless head.” I’m picturing like a glass noodle or something lol -”Everyone jumped in their seats,” this feels unrealistic to me. It reminds me of something joe abercrombie said about his mom questioning something he wrote. along the lines of asking yourself, “Really? Is that how it really happened? Did the sky really look like that? Did everyone really jump in their seats?” the point being to keep it believable. I'm probably (most definitely) looking too much into this but that's just what it reminded me of. I see that you followed it up with “most people were conditioned to ignore them” which normalizes it so… forget what i said? Page 9 -“Okay…” She said,” i think you can add a little more hesitancy before this. She gives it up too willingly after saying “i really dont think this is a good idea” -oh i see now it's because she knew she wouldn't be able to give it up so she didn’t really care about handing it over. I was getting diff vibes tho.

The character voice was really strong imo! I think first person is really fun to write in and if done well is super easy to jump into and connect with. So, you did a great job capturing my attention and keeping me hooked with the perspective/voice alone. I had some trouble picturing the setting once A pulls J from narrating, but after they talk for a bit, I picture the two in a classroom of sorts… because of the mention of a desk. And after the mention of the tab I was thinking “oh was that whole first page was something the narrator was writing down? Why were they writing it? Is it like a diary entry?” Character: Very angst. I can see this being relatable to angsty teens obsessing over a crush. Narrator is very obviously infatuated with A, and it seems a little much at some points but it also fits very well considering the audience and the type of person I assume J to be. So, I’m willing to overlook it. I loved how J refers to “the moms.” (page 5) “Dr. Mom” is great. very good for the character voice. And the prose is very in line with an emotional teen. I second this because the name threw me off at first. I wasn’t sure if it was a name of a person, the narrator, a place, what. I also had to reread this part. There isn’t a lot of setting (until the very end), which didn’t bother me too much. But like I said earlier, I had a hard time picturing where these people were in the beginning. But I am thinking that the narrator is too enraptured by A to really care for the environment around them. Also, the thing I assume to be the main plot of the story doesn't come in till page 4, which again, didn’t bother me. I assume A asking J to help them is the inciting incident and I think it’s fine being that far down at the cost of establishing the character at first. I personally don’t think the thing that sets the story in motion needs to be the very first thing we read. I am willing to wait and get to know the character first because I like reading about people’s thoughts and world views, if the character is interesting enough, which I think yours is/has the potential to be. I would definitely be interested to read more

I think everyone else covered most of the grammar/spelling errors that I noticed so I wont comment on all of them here. Page 1 -”garnered suspicious” suspicions? -”W stuck their tongue out” I don’t know what kind of animal W is… but they could be like… a frog? Or a chameleon? Page 3 -”...for a bit of fu — sparks!” I'm a bit confused about what is happening here. Did the person/animal with the female voice notice something was off? Page 4 -”what was going on?” I wonder if this can be cut. Page 5 -”her home, W.” add comma or period before W. maybe. Page 8 -”improve wine, but the BK wouldn’t be interested” I think the “but” should be “because” or excluded altogether. She doubted it was for wine because BK wouldn't care about that. Page 9 -it took two hours for everyone to be searched?? That's a lot of peeps Overall: This was a fun chapter! I had trouble staying engaged at first and picturing what was happening but after I connected the dots, it was good! It took me a bit to realize that (in W’s POV) this was the room from the last chapter mentioned in BK’s POV. It wasn't until like half way of the second page that I realized it (with the mention of G), so maybe consider bringing that in a little earlier. Also it wasn't clear to me that this was still happening during the party where Ir is performing. Maybe add a line in W’s pov about the noise of the people/animals at the party. Unless...you did and I just missed it. I feel like maybe there could be more tension with Ir getting searched, it seemed like it was just kinda glossed over. It was over in one sentence and after she got searched, she was still worrying. I feel like all that worry should maybe come before she gets searched, build it up more. Ir seems to ask a lot of questions and I’m waiting for her to demand answers. I loved that she decided to help W. She decided rather quickly that she would help and that's the kind of decisiveness I’ve been wanting her to have!

Cornetto.

I've ruined the joke. I should've said.... Cornetto. But I was thinking of this scene. https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/8d868db6-e488-4c0e-9339-0481ee6dda0e

Yes! It's such a great movie! Yes, I completely agree! I think I just got too excited with this story because I've been thinking about it for a while. So, that is my bad for being too eager. You've just been to the shop

Thank you all for reading I thought this was very interesting! I intentionally didn't mention the gender yet because, tbh, I havent decided. Though, I originally wrote this with the intention of H being male. Yep! India was what I was going for! I want to go back and tighten up the details of course (for one, I said November was a cold month when that isn't exactly true for this location... but maybe we can say this predates the effects of global warming...tho that's probably pushing it.) but, yeah.

So, still a bit of a learning curve, but after reading pages 1-2 a few times I think I have a grasp on things! There weren't as many info dumps which is good, though, near the end of page 3, I had to read that sentence that starts with “Walking towards A’s Palace” quite a few times and it seemed like unnecessary info (at least info that we don't need yet). I actually quite liked the A’s awkwardness. It felt very relatable for me. I liked when she said she could make the trees produce fruit. And also I’ve totally been there where a friend is trying to get you to hang out but you have work to do and it’s stressful. G4 seemed a little aggressive at the end but maybe that's just because i don't have a firm grasp on her character yet. I was very confused on page ten. It seemed like G4 invaded A’s mind but I couldn’t tell what was happening in their minds vs real life. This may just be me, but I feel like you were setting something up with that space shuttle that was going to hold all them kids. My mind went a dark route and thought by the end of the chapter, we were going to find out that the shuttle blew up with the kids in it...soo… yeah. I agree with @Ace of Hearts, I wasn't clear on everyone's relationships. I was shipping G4 and A because of the flirting but then G4 said A had a girlfriend and that threw me off. Poly rep would be cool but I think it needs to be more clear that that is what is happening rather than A being unfaithful. Overall, I can clearly see the vastness of the world you created and I appreciate all the details, but I was still pretty confused at some points. Though, not enough to take me 100% out of reading it. The first page was a real learning curve with all that fungi talk but after looking up a few words, it mostly made sense!

Thank you for reading and critiquing! This is 19th century! And I forgot to look up the caravan thing, so thank you for checking that out. I'm relieved that it matches! This is our history. The POV is not a real person but most of the others were based off real people. I haven't yet decided how much I'll stray after this.

New story while I figure the other one out This is a very very rough draft. 2519 words. Historical fiction about *murder*

I think I would like a slot for Monday : )

I was feeling this a little bit too without realizing it. When they announced that they were doing a Star Wars anime I was like, "Great! Another thing disney can dig their claws into!!" but who am i kidding I know I'm gonna watch it. But honestly I was most excited for the obiwan series that i've been waiting for for 25 years. I love Ewan McGregor. And Hayden's gonna be in it too?? I'm stoked.

Overall: -So Ir’s POV was just her like moseying on through and being sad about leaving and yes we got some progression with her and J but i think we need more. I know that romance isn't as important in this story (or so it seems) but still, it's there and i need to feel it. The interaction we got was pretty cute but i think you could do more with it. I NEED MORE YEARNING -I was very intrigued with what Az was doing. I was like, “why does he need this quartz?? What's this about a key? What is he planning?” the little hypnosis that he did was great, maybe a little much in some areas, where he repeated his name a bunch, but I assume that was necessary for the magic to work. We love a smart king taking advantage of slimy mayors. Okay, i don't know if he is slimy, but that's my headcanon. -also, your descriptions of the sky and scenery were superb! Page 1: -”her dark hair...covering her pillow” maybe take this out and move it into its own sentence. -”echoed in the darkness” reflected? But in the darkness? Also this sentence made me feel like some stuff was about to go down. Like she woke up in the dark with her brother staring at her and he says “we have to go!” and then adventure ensues. But then in the next sentence she just says “morning” casually and yawns lol -elicited a groan” i would change this to “elicited another groan” so that the repetition seems purposeful -wait, are they not in a hotel? I assumed so because of the wake up call… but then you mentioned the childhood home thing -”choked with tears” im… not familiar with this phrasing. You can be choked with emotion, or choke back tears, but choked with tears makes it seem like she is choking on a cup of tears. I could be wrong tho. I mean, she could be choking on the tears of her enemies. -”too soon” this sounds... funny. Like not even considering the “much too soon” bit. “Too soon, her parents and her bros yada yada...” maybe i'm reading into it too much but it just feels like odd wording. -”etching the sight of the” I guess I get that she is emotional because she has never left home before (right?) but it's...only 8 eight weeks.. Does she not think she is coming back? Page 2: -”into the hug” in on the hug? - The grinch in me says her family is too loving. A healthy and loving family? impossible!! Page 3: -”her tear-streaked face” there is a bit of pronoun confusion in this sentence. I can follow it but it wasn't super clear. -”makes for a lot of tears shed.” So everyone's family’s are just loving and happy?? Lol i know i sound cynical, and like i love my family, but i don't love them that much. If i were her, i would be happy to get out on my own! Live it up girl! Page 4: -i'm noticing the word choked a lot. -also, A+ for color descriptions of the sky -”nestled in between that she had seen” I feeeeeel like there should be a comma here “between, that she had seen” maybe not tho. It just feels off to me. Somehow. Okay wait. I read it over a few times and I guess it's fine as is. Page 5: -Her feet ached” wait was she walking? I thought she was in a wagon? Why would her feet ache? -so was it just her and M on the wagon? Where did J come from? -”growing homesickness” she’s already homesick? Ir, get it together. I would kill for a little vacation like this. -i feel like you can cut out the scene of them stopping for lunch. It doesn't really add much. Just ir noticing J and BK. but you could probably relay that info in a shorter paragraph. Page 6: -“had been an interesting experience,” why was it interesting? -”she recognized the items.” unrealistic. Nobody loves anybody this much. -”their love was right her in her trunk.” This just makes me feel bad as a person. Because nobody would go to this length if I was leaving for 8 weeks. Like all her friends gave her stuff just for going on vacation? This is an outrage! I'm joking of course… but still. Page 7: -there are too many dialogue tags on this page. Its just Ir and J talking. -”still there, (but) it didn’t threaten” Page 8: -”rubbed the back of his neck,” is this a shoujo manga? -”“I’m not sorry that you did it.” it IS a shoujo manga -”He stared at view.” what does this mean -”What are we doing, J?” yes, J, what are we doing? i think it true that our fates are star crossed, i fear we must part, and never be together. aaaaaand scene. Page 9: -”She touched the chip in the cup.” like a potato chip? -”He was right there.” i read this as “he was right there in front of her.” rather than “he was correct in what he said” -”until…she standing shocked,” is this a tense error? Or is the word ”was” missing? Page 10: -”Lent’s voice cut in.” ooof awkward -”the floor as he reach up with” reached -also wait did they not even get to kiss?? -also also READ A ROOM L, give these whippersnappers some privacy Page 11: -”because of the man she was more often with than not.” consider rearranging to “she was with more often than not -”in the humbler farmers” humbler sounds odd to me, maybe just use humble Page 12: -“BK wrote his reply” should this be “replies”? Since there were multiple messages -im a bit confused in the first paragraph. You said that the birds never talked about what the messages contained but then said that the birds gossiped. -”five weeks, and at this point,” Page 13: -”two-storey buildings” i don't know the rules in using british vs american spellings but i feel like consistency should always be number one. So it would be odd if you only used the british spelling of “story” but then never used it anywhere else. Like colours vs colors. (I haven't been paying close enough attention though, so this may be a nonissue) also, I don't mind it, but I feel like some people might, because at first, it looks like “story” is spelled wrong. So those american folk who are not well versed in british spelling might think you misspelled it. Edit: I went back and looked through your chapter and saw that you used “recognize” rather than “recognise” so, I assume you’re sticking with American spelling. -”she didn’t want to miss a thing for G!” this sounds like something mickey mouse would say Page 14: -”their use of glamours” Page 15: -”bit her lip when she used her magic excessively” after only one name? -is Az hypnotizing this bull? -oooh BK got some cool powers -okay i was so into Az’s perspective that I blew through it and just wrote my thoughts in this “page 15” section even tho the quotes were from the pages after that. Sooo yeah. It took me a while to get through Ir’s POV but Az’s i just zoomed on through.

I did not know there was a difference between the two. This is a useful tidbit, thanks! Stories is american english, storeys is british english, so both work!