Snakenaps

Although this is a Draft Three version, this one has seen little change compared to the stitched-together chapter last week. I'm so sorry for not replying to everyone's comments on my chapters. I am reading them and they mean so much to me. I'm just having a hard time sitting down and finding time to reply with this stupid job hunting. I want you all to know I'm thankful for your time, your patience, and your willingness to help me. I wish I could give you all hugs and a pile of your favorite desserts.

May I please have a slot for Monday, August 23rd?

Hello @Stevent! Welcome to the group! Love the name of your blog!

I was seriously planning to take it out until I came to the conclusion, hey, I've got this amazing group of writers behind me, might as well give it a shot. I don't think I could pull it off alone, but I'm no longer alone, am I? It came down to, in the end, that I really want them to get together despite my absolute fear I'm going to butcher this somehow. I figure I slip in a couple of sentences here and there, and I'll be good. Thankfully, technically the romance has already been revised because I tore out 7,000+ words of junk from Draft One. This isn't like government. I don't have to start from scratch. Take your time. I'm barely finding enough time to revise each week's chapter before sending it out to the group. It's not like I'm going to pass you up right now. And, frankly, you're in the chunk where the pacing grinds to a halt when it should be speeding up, so I'm not surprised you stalled.

Hello Alderant, The great news is, you never have to feel like you might have failed me in the past, because I didn't know you then. That means you get a nice, clean slate with me. I'll never have a previous you to refer to. So, let me begin this off with: Hi, I'm Snakenaps! My best friend and my sister are both ADHD, and I've worked extensively with ADHD, ADD, and ED (emotionally distrubed) children. Not to mention kids with a million other acronyms. My minor is in special education. Essentially, while I understand a bit of your mental state, I honestly don't care. You are you, and that is all that matters to me. I treat everyone situationally, instead of blanket stereotyping. The same thing applies to you being transgender and demisexual: it doesn't matter to me.Yes, it lets me gain an insight on your thought patterns and experiences, but you could be a 400 foot tall platypus bear with purple fur and silver wings, and as long as you are a good person, we'll get along smashingly. Personality wise, I'm prone to rants, especially about horses. I tend to be hard on myself but I'm excellent at taking critiques and bad news. Don't feel like you have to tiptoe around me, because you are my teammate and here to help us all grow. I rarely get offended, and naturally assume that if something on the internet comes off as offensive, I'm probably reading the tone wrong. If I've done something offensive, point it out to me so I can learn from the experience. I can assure you I didn't mean it. If there is one thing I hate, it is drama and conflict. I'm just too lazy. I am also awesome at overloading myself. I honestly don't think I can be happy if I'm not running my feet off. I used to be an elementary substitute teacher, but, thanks to Covid, I've decided to switch careers and get out of education for now. Although life has been throwing cannonballs at you lately, hopefully you can find some solace here. I arrived in late February 2020, so I've been here for over six months. Most of the time I forget that and still feel like I joined yesterday. I'm two years out of college, so, as far as I know, I'm one of the younger members of the group. I'm a cis-gendered white woman who is heterosexual 98% of the time with a few exceptions. While I feel attraction, I've never been in a relationship because the men in my town have pudding for brains. I've got 0% experience in the romance department, which is hilarious since I'm trying to put that back in my book after a disastrous first draft. I come from a conservative background in Northern California, but my parents raised me to accept people based off of how kind they are rather than the color of their skin or their sexuality or how they think (unlike some of my peers). I was homeschooled for seven years and raised in the country. Now I live only a few blocks from my former college in a small city. My religious beliefs can be summed up as "I don't think humans can know because if there is a God then we're ants. Ants can't understand the complexity of humans, so how am I supposed to understand God?" So I generally put zero brainpower into religion most of the time, since I am of the belief that I cannot know if there is a God or not for certain, and I'd rather spend my time thinking about horses. Speaking of horses, I am your new Horse Friend. Congratulations. I've been addicted to horses since age four (riding since I was 8), and if you ever have any equine questions or concerns, I'm always down to help. I don't own a real horse, but I do own over 320+ model horses. You might have a background in medieval history, but I kinda predate you, since my background is in Ancient Rome I took Latin for six years, but I've lost most of my ability to read/write it since I graduated high school. You use or you lose it, am I right? I am also an artist, primarily pencil and digital. Please don't ask me to write any poetry. I'm currently in the middle of revising a political intrigue adult fantasy that focuses on the hardship of loyalty and family in a world where mythical creatures literally talk, and bop between submitting chunks of Draft Two and the newly revised Draft Three. This is my first completed book. It's got a lot of issues, but I'm proud of how far it is coming. Most of its issues stem from a disastrous government and my inability to convince readers that talking cows can open doors without telekinesis. I don't expect you to critique my work since I've submitted about over 30% of the story so far, but if you have any questions you are more than welcome to bug me. It is good to meet you. I am looking forward to becoming teammates and friends.

I approve!

Is that a dare?

So sorry I am late on this. I feel like I'm falling behind on everything lately. I have not forgotten about your other work that I still need to finish. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "besides the old shedding couch and the peeling wallpaper" I was thinking to myself that being a demonic accountant apparently doesn't pay well until I looked up the rent prices in NYC. Apparently, the bottom 25% of all rent prices for a studio in NYC is, on average, $2,300. You can get a studio in my college town for $900. My 2 bedroom 1.5 bath costs $1,000. I can't imagine trying to survive in the Big Apple. Pg 2, "after several minutes she began to grow restless" It's like being put on hold by a demon. Pg 5, "why she hadn’t replaced the stained fridge and faded wallpaper" If I did that in my apartment, it would count as an "alteration" and I'd lose my deposit. She might not be allowed to. Pg 7, "She barely suppressed a shudder." I wonder how long N has been doing this, considering she still has reactions to the more...disturbing parts of demons. She isn't desensitized. Pg 13, "Several hours of work should be plenty of time to extract the information that she wanted from him." I don't remember this line in the original, but it immediately makes me wonder what she wants. Pg 18, "Is that all?" Definitely not the several hours of work time suggested on page 13. Going to have to agree with the others who got stumped on this. I took your hints for this and assumed she was actually casing the joint. Thought that she planned to enter Hell to save a family member or someone from eternal damnation. Overall: I think this is a strong improvement and a good step in the right direction. I feel like there's not much I can add from everyone else's comments except keep on going! Revising is a pain in the patootie, but it'll be worth it in the long run. I'd keep on writing if I were you, and return to this on a later date. You don't want to be stuck rewriting the same first five chapters forever.

Dawned on me that I forgot to put "Reading Excuses" in the email's subject line. Sorry y'all. Last week I messed up the thread title. I'm just on a roll... This is a Frankenstien chapter, made of two original scenes that have been chopped to pieces, and two new scenes that I essentially want to test drive. I was slow at pushing this chapter out because I literally wrote the last scene an hour ago after I had a "Wait, what if?" moment. The first scene has some jarring notes to myself. Pretend those are really well written Revolutionary propaganda. To note, the name Ireen pulls up in the last scene is the new name for the BK's spy, W. I decided they needed something Ireen would note as unusual and remember better. So, ergo, a southern name. All questions, comments, and concerns welcome.

May I have a spot for tomorrow, Monday, August 16th?

I never noticed this before!

How do you even track that??? If I am...awesome.

Thank you!

First of all, thank you to @Turin Turambar @Sarah B @Mandamon @kais @shatteredsmooth @TheDwarfyOne and @Robinski for your critiques both this week and last. Even though I haven't replied much, I've definitely read them and have been letting them swirl around in my mind. Like a hive of bees. Constantly buzzing. At this point, we're roughly 30% through the book. Revising Draft Three has come into a hiccup because I haven't dealt with the foundational problems that have come up. So, at this point, I'd really like help creating a list of the major hiccups you have seen and been stuck on. I think that, in order to move forward, I need to stop procrastinating about the hard stuff. My list so far is: Lay down strong foundation for the world. This includes: The difference between the mundane/civilized/Fey classifications. The Fey and the Feylands. Who/what they are. How the world works. How cows, rats, griffins, and humans can all live in the same world. How doorknobs work. What a creature does if they don't have telekinesis. How the magic works. The affects of iron. I have always considered it something like bleach - you might have it in your household but you don't mess around with it beyond its intended handy purpose. This has backfired. So I need to rethink T and his role as a blacksmith (which I definitely want to keep). My sister came up with the idea of him stealing iron cannon balls from the war ruined streets to have enough non-regulated iron to make into Revolutionary weapons. Give Ir a strong motivation. More than that, a solid, tangible goal besides "Don't lose my job so I don't lose the contract." This will naturally raise the stakes, give a stronger, focused arc, and give Ir purpose. I think this will be easier to figure out once I have the governments fixed and know what she is fighting against. I need a motivation that she'd be willing to bend on. As you guys can already tell, Ir is slowly being torn between what she thought the BK and his minions were like, and what they truly are. Whatever her motivation is in the beginning may not be the same by the end. The stakes need to be very clear. Not in the vague way, but as in "If X happens, the Y will occur." Then I need to figure out what Ir's plan is to prevent/fix/reach her goal. The goal is strong in the first third - how is she going to fix the restaurant? But when that is solved by the contract, the plot just...stumbles over itself without knowing where it necessarily is going. Arguably, we're currently in one of the two weakest parts of the story, and that needs to be fixed. The governments, both for the pre-existing and for the BK, need to be fixed. I think this is causing the biggest problems, because they're wishy-washy and uncertain when they need to be solid steel, especially the BK. I need to figure out long-term what the BK is aiming to have his government look like. Centralized? De-centralized? Turn the former monarchies into states with their own governments? He has a game plan, and, unfortunately, he's a lot smarter than I am. Why are Ir's people so against the BK? This, again, needs to be something tangible. Not "the BK is bad", but "The BK is bad because of XYZ that negatively affects us in ABC ways." And once the governments are fixed, I should be able to then tackle the Revolutionaries. In fact, the primary focus of the former government will be figuring out why everything was so bad that the Revolutionaries were created. Then, I need to figure out what is so bad about the BK's leadership that the Revolutionaries haven't disappeared and are instead on the rise. If they're on the rise, I need to make them felt. Right now, S and T are the only way to see the Revolutionaries in action. I need to change that. I need to cause some havoc. Sabotage. More assassination attempts. What do the Revolutionaries want, and why is this so promising that S and T are willing to join? Back to the tangibility: not "This will lead to a brighter future for our children" but "This will lead to a brighter future for our children because XYZ will bring ABC." Reader promises I'm massively lacking on the spy's promise, which I created on accident before I knew what reader promises were. The problem is, I wrote the original story a year ago when I was a lot more ignorant, and now I have to go back and fix the plot holes and questions I should have had prepared before I typed my first word. Oh well. I need to figure out this arc and make it satisfactory with a good ending. I've got ideas, but I'm not pleased with them yet. Crystals. Without going into detail, I need to play this up and give better, more satisfactory answers by the end, even if those answers only lead to more questions. What am I missing? What are the major things that are broken? What are the questions that I haven't been able to answer in the book? What are the most concerning weaknesses? What are the strengths you think should be played up? What am I doing right? Thanks ahead of time

I'm submitting a little early because life is bonkers and I need a nap. Lies, I just need to go to sleep. Sleep is for the weak. I'm not going to pretend about being happy with this chapter, but things are shifting in my life and I don't have the time to tweek it anymore. This is a mesh of two separate chapters that both needed a lot of cutting. However, this version doesn't follow from the last chapter, because Ir isn't questioning her ability to potentially cover up ignoring a Revolutionaries spy without the BK catching her. This decision is new to Draft Three, but I'm not sure if I'm going to keep it yet. Anyway, tear it apart. Any questions, comments, or concerns welcome.

I should have my next Draft Three chapter ready by Monday. May I nab a slot for Monday, August 10th?

This reminds me of the pegicorns in Disney's Onward eating out of trash cans and generally acting like racoons. I want to see some old lady wacking a grazing pegasus on the leg with a broom going "Get off my lawn!" While the pegasus. Does. Not. Care. Edit: "And then Katie felt inspired to draw..." "...but with her terrible luck, the photo would only post sideways."

You know, I literally didn't know this. I only knew bamboo was a grass, it grows fast, pandas eat it, and people make mats out of it. That's the extent of my bamboo knowledge.

I've been thinking about this, and it doesn't even need to be magical. Bamboo is a type of grass that grows extremely quick, so mother nature has already proven that some high calorie, fast growing grass could exist without magic needing to make it possible.

To hop off of this, birds do imprint. Maybe pegasi do?

*Cracks knuckles* If there's one thing I love, it's equine-based worldbuilding. I'm breaking this down into two sections. Biology: So we've got 36 hands high drafties. That's 12 feet at the withers. That's definitely an equine beefcake with hooves the size of your chest. This knocks out two of my concerns my sister and I came up with yesterday when we were brainstorming this, which were carrying capacity and carrying location. Carrying Capacity: First concern was that how were they going to be strong enough to carry large amounts of weight. An average horse should carry no more than 20% of their body weight generally, and, from a biological standpoint, pegasi would most likely weigh less than an average horse of the same size because they would most likely have a lattice skeleton and air sacs. Not to mention, would probably need a more Akhal Teke or Thoroughbred build, something lightweight but with powerful hindquarters to take off with. Keep in mind, the pegasus might not be as beefy as a Clydesdale, so it can also be light enough to balance out the weight feathers are going to bring to flight. Let's go with the average Clydesdale, which can weigh anywhere from 1,800-2,200 lbs, and use the average of 2,000lbs. If a pegasus is twice the size, it probably would weight somewhere in the ballpark of 3,000-4,000lbs. So that means the average transport pegasus can carry roughly 600-800 lbs per trip, not including harnesses. Carrying Location: The second concern was where the items of transportation would go. This is still a slight concern, slightly mellowed by the sheer size of these beefcake equines. Normally, a pack horse or mule would carry the goods on something called panniers. They're essentially cloth chests that sit on either side of a horse's back, across a pack saddle. Pack saddle below, in foldable spoiler case for space: Panniers: The problem with normal panniers/pack saddles is the wings. Pegasi are going to need space for their wing joints and enough space for the wings to - whoosh! - beat. Thanks to the sheer size of your pegasi, you could potentially have the goods stored lower on their barrel (belly), or, potentially, tied underneath their belly as long as they have enough room with which to run. I'm concerned about passengers, see Space for Riders. Wings: Okay, obviously the pegasi are going to have to have a boost from magic to fly. Doubtful they're flying on itty bitty wings. If you've got a pegasus that is 12 ft at the withers...a horse with good confirmation is a little less than 3 heads at the withers and about 4 heads long...so your pegasus is probably 16 feet nose to tail...When drawing pegasi, I generally like the 1.5 ratio for wings...so, in my head, we're looking at 24 feet long per wing, or a total wingspan of 48 feet. Ear to floor, your pegasus is probably around 14-15 ft tall. Does this matter? No, but it does help visualization. And help you realize how wide your runway is going to be. Space for Riders: We still run into the "space for a rider" problem. If the wing joints are right behind the withers: Then a rider would awkwardly be perched with his legs over a moving wing joint, or continually bashed by beating wings if his legs stick under the feathers. Horses aren't flat enough on the back to comfortably ride them laying down like a Skybax. However, horses are herd animals, and birds can flock in V formations. If you've got one lead mare or stallion at the front with a rider, then the rest of the constellation (I rather like this one) would likely follow off of instincts. That would also increase the amount of goods you are able to transport when not every pegasus needs a rider. I'd likely just never bring up how a person rides a pegasus. People (besides me) tend to just assume pegasi are rideable. Calorie Intake: Horses, draft horses included, eat about 1.5-3% of their body weight daily, with at least 1.5% of their body weight in forage (hay/grass). Budweiser Clydesdales eat roughly 40 lbs of hay and 12+lbs of high calorie grain daily. That's minimum 45lbs a day for a 3,000lb pegasus, to as much as 120lbs for a 4,000 lb pegasus. That doesn't include the fact that flying burns a butt load of calories, so they're probably eating even more. They're literally eating a hale bale a day with grain on the side. I'd have your pegasi on a diet of timothy or oat hay with a good heap of alfalfa hay, and a mix of grains like oats, corn, and barely. I'd also suggest a cup or two of vegetable oil for fats. Beef pulp first soaked in water is also a good idea for fiber. I'm basing this off of a racehorse diet, since they burn calories like mad and need a high energy diet. A draft horse can drink somewhere around 25 gallons of water a day, so your pegasi are probably going to drink over 50 gallons of water daily. Hope you've got good water access. Breeding: I'm concerned about breeding 36hh pegasi to normal horses, even drafts. It isn't impossible, but it would pose serious health risks, whether the dam be a pegasus or a horse. I cringe at the thought of a horse attempting to squeeze a huge half-pegasus foal through their pelvis, and artificial insemination might be necessary to breed a pegasus mare. Honestly, I think you've managed to make it difficult enough to own a pegasus to negate breeding horses. See my notes below in Worldbuilding. Worldbuilding: Cost: This is why I don't think it will be necessary to add the conundrum of horse breeding (as fun as half-breeds can be): To own a pegasus, you need to be able to house, feed, and train it. For housing, you're going to need a hella large barn. If you take my idea of needing a fleet of pegasi to get a V formation to create a transportation fleet, you are going to need an airplane hangar. You're going to need space for the pegasi to take off, training facilities, housing for employees, feed storage, a tack room, etc. Might want a roofed round pen for training? Then there's feed. A single acre of land can produce approximately 100 bales of hay. If you have a fleet of, say, seven pegasi (one lead mare, three transporting pegasi), that's seven bales of hay a day, or 210 bales of hay in a thirty day month. All that hay has to be stored in a water-tight place during months where hay isn't harvested. You've got risk of mold, fire, and droughts. I didn't even calculate out the grains, which is considerably more expensive than hay. Equines also need bedding, horseshoes, tack, grooming equipment, training equipment, treats, and more. Owning an average sized horse can cost upwards of $7,000 a year. Owning one pegasus? That's going to be killer on your pocket book. What are going to be the veterinarian costs? Then there's cost of breeding. If pegasi are hard to breed in captivity, it means that once you have a pregnant mare, you're going to want to protect your investment. That means specialized veterinarians, that means grooms hired to watch the mare 24/7, that means special supplements and larger housing. What about the cost for a pegasus? If you have to train them from a young age to make them manageable (see below in Training), then you're not going to be able to go out into the wild and break a pegasus whose hooves can kill you in one blow. So you're going to have to go to someone who already breeds them, and shill out the money. Not to mention, hiring specialists...sure, you can hire anyone to scoop up pegasi poop the size of melons, but what about your trainer, your vet, your farrier, your rider, your tack maker, and more? Plus the costs for actually running a company with the ability to generate transportation business across multiple islands... Owning a regular horse is like owning a $75,000 two seat Cessna and comparing it to a $379,100,000 Boeing 747. Only the extremely wealthy (like kingdoms) are going to be able to afford to use pegasi as transportation. At least you could probably recoup some of the money selling poop for fertilizer as well as horsehair and feathers for various projects. Training: You've got a equine that can stand 12ft at the withers, weighs several hundred pounds more than my Toyota Corolla, and can fly. Can't exactly put them to pasture when they might decide "screw this" and fly off. So I vote giant barns. A normal draft horse needs a 12ftx16ft stall, so you're going to need something considerably larger, since your pegasi have wings. Keep in mind too that horses are incredibly strong. My aunt had a 2,000lb 18hh Brabant who would get bored and literally pick up and move his metal fencing. His teeth would leave massive dents in steel tubes. Double that? And you've got pegasi that can probably crunch a man in half from sheer jaw strength. A kick would be absolutely deadly. Those stall doors better be reinforced. Training and housing a stallion would be a nightmare. Stallions tend to be @$$holes by nature, so I would assume very few companies would want to have a massive one. Breeding costs to a stallion would be major money, though. Can you imagine trying to castrate a pegasus??? I mean, jeez, a Clydesdale stallion probably has balls the size of grapefruits. A pegasus stallion would probably have the nuts the size of watermelons. Can you imagine the fountain of blood if you don't clamp them fast enough??? You'd definitely have to get the colts castrated as soon as safely possible. Due to this all of this, training is going to be hell if done the wrong way. And, of course, there are going to be idiots who try to bully a 36hh pegasus. So you've got the nutcases who are going to beat their pegasus into submission (mind games might be terrifyingly accurate. Horses and birds are social creatures. What happens if you lock one away from its peers?), and you've got those who are going to use the natural horsemanship route. I'd definitely think about how both bird and horse behaviors are going to affect pegasus behavior. You'd have to start when the pegasus is a foal. Do they clip the wings to make sure yearlings don't run off? This has a lot of potential for quiet worldbuilding. Pegasi who shake, sweat, and foam at the sight of their owner, covered in scars. Pegasi who lash back. Pegasi who follow their owners around like giant puppies bedecked in ribbons. Hmmm...dyeing feathers might be a fun pasttime for some owners. Or to show different nationalities or shipping companies. Feathers/Hair: Birds molt. Do pegasi? What about their shed feathers? Just saying, with giant feathers, maybe it is a fashion statement to have pegasus feather fans, skirts, capes, hair accessories, collars, even blinds. Then there is the hair you can cut off the mane and tail. Horsehair fabric, horsehair pottery, horsehair paintbrushes, horsehair fishing line, horsehair violin strings, horsehair wigs (why not, might be a fashion statement), horsehair jewelry... Plumes of horsehair or feathers on military helmets... You could go nuts with this. Military: I mean, the sheer cost of owning a pegasus will keep you from having a massive equine airforce. You could definitely go hog wild with this, or negate it completely by saying pegasi are too flighty by nature and can't be trained to withstand the stress of war without bailing. Overall: I had a lot of fun writing this up. I think it's possible to replace railroads with pegasi, but I also think it is going to take a lot of work. Hopefully I helped instead of overwhelmed.

To switch topics, I'd like to just give a quiet "Hurrah!" Today is August 6th, marking exactly one year since I began the first draft of Name of the King. It's been one hell of a year, and I'm amazed at how far I've come since I first started. I've grown so much as a person, writer, and critiquer. I'm excited that I've been able to share half of that year here with Reading Excuses (did I really join in February? It feels like I'm so much newer than that) and I hope that I will be able to continue to share this journey with this incredible group. Thanks for everything. To another great year of writing! . . . Also, P.S., @kais, you're getting a pegasus rant tomorrow, be prepared.

I personally don't have an issue with it, but I also worry that because we just read it, we also might be biased from our previous experience. So I think that as long as you know we aren't reading it with fresh eyes that it'll be fine. I'm not experienced enough in the group to vote. Although, since the group has been going on for 10+ years, it may have been attempted before. My guess that the reason why we don't go through Google Drive and instead use the forum is because there are a high degree of people who join and then...disappear. Which is not to say that this is a vampire club using the premise of writing to draw in nerds to suck them dry. I think...

As my mother would say, B-E-A-Uuuuuu-tiful!