Hmm. I have had to admit a tempering of my ideal, to be honest. Like, I think that sometimes, when it comes to the finite-types of romantic affection, there can be partial/quasi-cases or something, where the flame's spark was set, maybe not fanned too much, but it was there and the fact of it haunts reality with the question of what-might-have-been had the fire grown greater and brighter (or darker...).
So the value of the overall model, though, would advert only, or principally, or something like that, just to people who failed(!) to experience the quasi-cases, who were susceptible too much to the flame's enticements. At least, I can say in my own case that by episode 3, I had gotten it into my head that it was an infinite problem for me, emotionally, so coming up with an explanation for episode 4 (the most serious) depended on changing my concept of infinity, or refining it rather (I knew both Kant's finite-indefinite-infinite scheme, but also Cantor's distinction), and worst of all the change seemed (seems!) to fit the case. But I am already obsessed with infinity, so there is a flare of rationalization at issue (or play) here, like: I needed to reconcile my abstract obsession with a kind of number, with my concrete obsession over this or that nice fellow, and voila, I come up with an interpretation of my situation that so conveniently matches my predetermined dread?
If there could be a worse, then, it would cancel itself out and be something better: because the extra truth that is "worse" is better. I mean, knowing how this situation is from the inside out, and having no earthly reason to absolutely doubt myself (I do indeed have reasons to doubt myself, as anyone does, but not to the extent of just up and assuming I am and have been hallucinating for sixteen years or what by now: I would've been 15 when it started and I think a lot of other things would have gone differently later had this really started, as a hallucination, then)...
For example:
Jesus Christ, that was really that long ago?!?!
Well anyway, in A Little Blue Kite, this book that just came out like two weeks ago, there's an "immense monster too immense for any one name and hungrier than all the emptiness between all the stars," whose presence is always in shining red letters, and the problem of nothingness is solved by nothingness giving its essence away to form somethingness---that is, nothingness would become something if it weren't always emptying itself of essence. I could not &$%*^@# believe that when I read that. Why? Because I assumed if I read ALBK I would find out that the author knew something I knew, and of all the things for him to know...!
So it occurred to me afterwards that the police have never told me not to try to go to Dean. No one has, IIRC. Even after I found out he moved back to the area, where he works, even though everyone knows I went a thousand damnation miles and wandered a city in the desert looking for him... So, I just wonder, like, have they not told me to relent, because they know if I do go to him, he won't object to me being there? Like, either he'll be surprised, or happy, maybe. But if he'd told them that he didn't want me to try to talk to him? So has he never done so? He never has done so online, to me, so either he has no idea that I've tried to talk to him a lot since I last saw him in person (which is maybe peculiar, for different reasons...) or he does and he's never chosen to respond. Or he has responded, and his responses have been intercepted: not even impossible, this is a Facebook scenario we're talking about to a great extent (I mean I met him in person, it only eventually got diverted to Facebook but by then...), and FB themselves were the ones who even later did tell me my account had been hacked, from Colorado Springs (I live in Port Orchard, WA, near Bremerton/Seattle), so who knows? (There are oddly specific reasons for Colorado Springs, but which one applies, IDK. FB just said that was where my account was hacked into from, at least one time.)
Whatever, I'm rambling, I even messaged Brandon Sanderson about this because guess where the ^$#@ Dean comes from! The place in Utah that inspired the chasms. I used to mispronounce Kaladin's name, the way they discuss in book 2 even, and this was before I met Dean, so you can imagine... And that's one drop in that ocean. So anyway I messaged Sanderson and no dice, either he has no time to reply to this ^*&@ or he tried and it was blocked or who knows