Mandamon

Aside from some typos and some phrases that need clearing up, I thought these were some of the best chapters so far. I really liked the interplay between Renfield and Stephanie in chapter 18. The action was good and I followed the blocking all the way through. It also starts to give us some insight into the (I assume) main plot of the book, with Stephanie's visions. We also get some more insight into what actually happened with Dracula, which I had been wondering about. My only concern now is that there's a lot of build-up to this point and it feels like we're only starting to get into the story. But you've already talked about potentially taking out some of the previous chapters and viewpoints, and I think that would help. pg 1: Stephanie’s heart pounded in lock and step with her feet --since hearts don't step, maybe "in time with her footsteps?" pg 1: "She tossed back her hair in agitation." --then pulled her braid? ;-) pg 3: "I’m not going to let the only head I have get eaten by a werewolf" --lead? pg 3: Like a parkour runner with rabies --lol pg 5: "Every time she encountered a tight fit with Jason, he’d make a snide comment about that last piece of pizza she had, that last French fry, that last donut. " --He kind of sounds like kind of a dick... pg 6: "Stephanie said, putting her hair on the floor" --this read very weird, like she was putting a wig down or something. pg 8: "stifle" --stiff? pg 9: "remove my mother " --ouch pg 12: “He held some sort of secret ceremony every time he knew the end was coming for him,” --interesting

Interesting. My wife had the same reaction, but said she put it up to being "dumb about quantum things." Since the ratio is now 4 to 2 readers who understood to ones who didn't, and this is submitted to a site about "quantum things," I'm hoping it won't be an issue (crosses fingers). Just chalk it up to me being unnecessarily complex...

Thanks to everyone for comments on this! Special thanks to comments on the "sad ending" and Shike's suggestion to flip the order of the two POVs. I did that and made some other corrections and I feel it's a whole lot stronger. If anyone's interested in reading the new version, send me a PM (so I don't take up a whole submission) and I'll send it on. I'm hoping to submit this to the contest in the next week or so. Oh, and I changed it back to "Quantum Shorts." That title fits so much better with the contest that I had to.

Thanks Shrike--I actually thought about switching just the last POV around, but didn't do it because of the rest of the pattern. I may look at switching the order of all of the paragraphs instead. I've been wanting to see more short fiction ending on high notes rather than low notes, as most of them tend to end up with a sad ending.

Interesting to see the other responses here. I didn't comment on this since I figured you wouldn't want the same thing from whenever it was I last commented on it. I thought the guesses on Ahma were particularly interesting, reading as much as I have, and with the other feedback I've given. ;-)

I thought this section had some better action, though there were a couple places I've noted below where I had problems with the blocking. It was nice to see different POV characters meeting up. I'm glad Irving was in some (perceived) danger about his lies. Now I'm wondering who else he's going to throw in the mix. One thing I was unsure of: why did Bannister show up right before he was going to change? Surely he could have gotten someone else to chain him up. It seemed a bit like he was there only to be a threat to Stephanie and Renfield. Pg 4: Irving is more developed here. I like the moral quandary of using his wife for an excuse while rationalizing that he's doing it all for her. pg 5: "rattling his barrel chest" --this read awkwardly pg 5: there's several weak words in the middle of this page: "seemed" "didn't really," "just kind of." This slows the pace down to me and makes it less specific. pg 8: "Look, I just this to talk to you, okay?”" --something missing pg 9: "“Untie my hands and I’ll shake your hands.”" --this reads awkwardly with the repeated word pg 9: “Stephanie,” she said, before moving her head right up the barrel. --I wasn't sure of the blocking here. Renfield was waving the gun around before, and then it's against Stephanie's head. pg 9: "No much her reputation preceded her" --words missing pg 10: I like that Renfield tells Stephanie about Dracula. pg 12: "Her leg lifted, catching Renfield in the stomach." --I would assume if her leg lifted, it would probably catch Renfield in the crotch instead. pg 12: "taking note of the trainyard" Did you say they were in a train yard before? I though they were on a street somewhere. pg 12: also confused on the blocking with the barrel. It reads as if Stephanie stumbled into the barrel, which then got thrown toward Bannister. pg 12: repetition of "howled" in the last paragraph. pg 14: "Something pulled him towards a train car. Renfield fought against the force. " --not sure what's going on here.

Thanks both! I think this helps identify some of the things I felt were missing. On the "interface" I just meant that to be a general phone-of-the-future, but perhaps I should just leave it at "phone" to not confuse everyone. rdpulfer: newspaper stands--I have no idea what they sell either, so I assumed they'd have some breakfasty items. Maybe I'll have to (ick) do some research. Sera: yes, the formatting was getting to me too, but I couldn't find a better way to do it. I think your "promise unfulfilled" is spot on. There's something extra I need to add to the story and I'm not sure what it is yet. I like your idea of different days in the POV. I was sort of aiming for POV2 to be behind POV1 on emotional development--that he might come to the same solution in time. Maybe I need to play that up more.

Here is Quantum Jeans. There's a contest for flash fiction having to do with quantum effects called "quantum shorts," so naturally I wanted to write a story about actual quantum shorts. While writing, this turned into quantum jeans. I'm looking for responses on whether there is anything confusing, that you don't believe, bores you, or is really cool. Thanks!

I'm also back from the retreat, which was amazing! I may have another piece of flash fiction for Monday, if I can get it working by this weekend.

I think the others covered most everything I saw. I'll second that so many POVs in a short space is a little too much, and that the hoodie is a bit too strong for what it is. There were a bunch of typos, but I think they've been covered above. pg 4 "“Stephanie Van Helsing is in the wind.” Irving said. "Oh?” the Buyer said, as if Irving had just informed him of the reason." --"In the wind" is a strange phrase --Not sure what the last part of the section meant pg 6 uninterrupted -> interrupted I like the Renfield chapter, lots of action, but the fight might have a little too much description. I found myself scanning to get to the next paragraph hmm...and then the fight gets continued on to the next chapter...definitely too much blow by blow. pg 16: His eyes darted across the room. He didn’t see any sign of her at all" --but she's just laying on the floor. How could he not see her? pg 17: Aha! We finally get to the title of the story! pg 19: "source of said Master’s power?" --interesting pg 22 "at least until he saw his car parked down the street, already filled with commuters getting out of work." --I don't think his car is filled with commuters...;-) The story is picking up, but I'm not sure I would have gotten to this point reading straight through. I think condensing the POVs is a good idea. I don't think taking out Irving's would make the story lose much, since we see many of the same scenes through someone else's eyes. It would also give back the mystery of who the traitor is.

Yep. I caught that. I didn't comment on it, as it seemed to fit in the story. I assume we'll find out more about this later.

I also only got one email, no attachment.

I had the same reaction to these two parts, but figured I only noticed it because I know who the author is and where she is from (unless she is living in the US now...).

It's been a while, but I think I remember what was going on. Ambrose's sister is a new twist, but we don't get a lot of information about her. The first part of the chapter sort of falls flat for me because she just leaves and we never find out anything about the letters, why she's there in there first place, or even where she's traveled from. I'm sure we'll get more information soon, but right now that section almost feels unnecessary, except for Ambrose telling Thomas to cancel the order. The second part is much more interesting to me. I had a little confusion when Ambrose was getting lost in the cave, but then he's lost, so that might be expected. I was sort of cringing as he gulped down vials. As I recall, they're very expensive? Very interested to find out who the girl is, as well as what happened to his brother. You may have mentioned this previously, but where is the black rock in the cave? I'm not sure whether it's blocking a whole path, or if there's just a chuck of rock sitting in the middle of a passage, where people can walk around it. a couple notes: pg 4: brushes -> brushed pg 4 ‘He’s agreed to fund the Kovorus. --missing an end quote Looking forward to more!

Hello Robinski's daughter! Is it odd that I can see a family resemblance in the writing? Ha! Yes, the language is a bit spicy, especially for the ages in this story. YA usually has protagonists a couple years older than the reader, and I can't really imagine editors letting a 15 year old get their hands on this. There are some notes below on grammerly things, but aside from that, the characters are interesting. I've read several books with the younger brother twins as a thing, so I'm wondering if any of the same plot elements will come up. However, I don't really have anything yet to drag me into the story. Mark is, basically, a twit (looking back from one who hasn't seen teenage years in a while), so I'm wondering what will happen to change that. I assume something with the offending Halloween suit (and I would have to agree with Mark's reaction), but by 5 pages into a short story, I'm ready for at least a hint of what is to come. There's probably several sections that can be cut back to push the story along faster. Interested to see what happens next. What percentage of the story is this? Notes: pg 2: orange juice thats -> that's at some point your -> you're pg 3: "slamming the door he narrowly missed the full ashtray that usually sat beside my window" --a little confused here. Did the father hit the ashtray, or the door? I'm trying to visualize it as the father is leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. pg 3: "What are you yelling about?", --extra comma after the quote. There's a couple more a few lines down, and some more farther on. pg 3: "where children where " 2nd where = were

I never got a second email with the attachment, just to let you know.

Great comments from everyone. Interesting that several picked up on the weather control. That was honestly a throw-in to have an action for the characters to talk about, so I'll need to reconsider what impact it makes and where the focus of the story should be. It's definitely about the hats, and what's underneath, but I'm not satisfied with the horror aspect (which I'm not very good at). I'll work on this one some more this week.

I was trying to cut down on the adjectives...

Kammerite--this was in response to a prompt on Lovecraftian horror where you don't actually show what the horror is, so that's why I didn't describe it.

Thanks all! I'm out of town at the moment, and will respond as soon as possible!

Thanks! I like the suggestion of just cutting the first couple paragraphs. Great comments. Hopefully they will help me tidy this up a bit.

Great comments, Shrike. Thanks! I've done little to no flash fiction so the comments on timing and the reveal help a lot.

I enjoyed this a lot. The story has an almost meditative feel to it, with the warm fire, and Esther explaining what is happening to the green-eyed woman. The first time you switched timelines to what Esther did leading up to the story I was thrown a little, but quickly figured out what was going on. You could potentially take out even more of the explanation, though I think it does fit with the overall feel of the story. The only part I thought was too long was Esther's last explanation about the nightjar sap on page 12. By that point I figured out what was going on, so I sort of skimmed the explanation. Speaking of which, I could petty much tell what was going to happen in the end (if not how) by Esther's calm reaction to the woman coming to kill her. I don't know if this is a detriment to the story or not--it was still entertaining to find out how things were put in motion. One other thing. On page 2, the section with "Esther knew the words were lies" I thought was unnecessary. Esther denying she knows what was going when both of them did seemed counter to everything else Esther does. After that point she readily explained everything, so I don't know why she made this token attempt to resist. All in all, very good. You made good promises in the beginning and then followed through. All the elements of the story were used, and the ending was satisfying. Maybe not "surprising yet inevitable" as I guessed it, but still satisfying.

Chapter 7 gives Renfield some more depth, but I'm not sure what it's really adding to the story, unless his mother is important or Sophia is going to pop up later. Even if she is, right now this doesn't add a lot, especially since you cover Renfield's presence in the next chapter. However, I do like that you have the overlap in chapter 8 between Stephanie and Renfield, seeing the same room from another POV. But, there's still a lot of repeated words and over-explaining throughout. There's also a big mental switch between Stephanie blacking out, coming to terms with her mentor's murder, playing off Jason's feelings, and coldly tracking down Renfield (before the rest of Westerna does). I'm not sure there's enough time in between to really process the emotion. Notes: pg 1: "partially mostly obscured" --extra word pg 1: "Renfield entered the bland, beige elevator and didn’t stop until he reached the elevator." --I'm guessing one of the nouns should not be "elevator" pg 1: lots of repetition of "elevator" and "basement" Also, do basements usually contain dead rats? pg 2: I like the alternate history with Lee Harvey Oswald. pg 2: "Dust spewed into Renfield’s lungs" --Probably not of its own accord. I would assume Renfield would need to breathe it in first pg 3: the part with the Bible was interesting, but I'm not sure how relevant pg 4: "twenty-two year old college student’s" --you just said "college student," so you could leave this as "twenty-two year old's" pg 4: "so seamless that not even his nervous fidgeting and babbling could ruin it" --wouldn't nervous fidgeting make it...not seamless? pg 5: "my" --his (twice in a row) pg 6: "“He is okay.” --I presume you mean "isn't," since his throat has been torn out. pg 8: "lighting storm visions" --what is this? Did I miss something? pg 8: "lighting in my visions" --Lightning, and have we seen these visions? I don't remember pg 11: "stumping him in the back of the head with the revolver" --I don't think that's the word you want. Slamming? pg 14: "I can’t think about that right now. Focus on the mission." --Actually, she's driving to the safe house, so she should have plenty of time to think.

This started from another writing prompt, but I wanted to try my hand at flash fiction and see if I can get it published somewhere. This shares some similarities with the last submissions, but isn’t necessarily the same story. What I’m looking for here: does this catch your attention instantly? Does it keep your attention the entire way through? Are there any unnecessary words or phrases? If you happened on the first paragraph of this online, would you keep reading it? Thanks!