Mandamon

I'll step out for this week since there's a few people. I'll probably have everything more ready for next week anyway.

I agree with Robinski on this. A character can be as evil as you want, but you have to show other's reactions to make sure this is not the "author's voice" talking, i.e. that you don't condone this sort of thing. It still is hard to sympathize, so you may want to study what Dan Wells did with John Cleaver and give him something to endear him to us. Now I'm sort of intrigued by the challenge of making the POV of a book the evil villain and still having people stick around to read it. You may have your work cut out for you!

I'll try to be less awesome in the future... Don't want to fall over from a swollen head. ;-)

My thought exactly! Generally I've been alright reading the occasional entry over 5000 (and have been guilty of it myself). Just don't do it every week or Silk might have to incite the mob on you... And to throw my hat in the ring, I will have something to submit in the next couple weeks. Potentially next week, if I get really excited this weekend. It's a short story (14k words) that I'm planning on posting to my website in preparation of self-publishing a Novella next year. Some of you (cough*Robinski*cough) will be familiar with the Seeds of Dissolution universe and may have even read bits of it before.

Heh...great minds and all that. @AuthorityHellas, I've been on the receiving end of Robinski's grammar stick enough myself! glad to see someone else getting it. ;-) Also, general note, you tend to reply to our comments with a lot of explanation, which is great, but you also give explanation outside the story to back up what you're saying. I'd challenge you to somehow bring that information into the story, which should then get rid of the source of our questions!

Very cool. I like the spirits, and the use of spirit's blood bodes ill. I'm eager to find out what the witch needs to be reminded of, though I doubt she actually needs to be reminded. 1) The time period is pretty clear. I'm thinking late 19th/ early 20th cent. Japan. I didn't have any problem getting into the story, and even if my estimate of the time period is wrong, I don't see that it really matters for the story yet. 2) The tone here fit well with the age of the character, I thought. I don't remember the prologue too well, since it's been several months, but I remember it being a little slower, which works for the age of the character. 4) Didn't note anything in particular. I didn't get much character from Inah. I was wondering, before you say she's a spirit, whether she was an imaginary friend, and whether the adults would be able to see her at all. I liked Kimerak. She seems a more mature spirit than Inah, but probably up to no good. 5) Promises: --The spirit's blood is not a good thing. --Witch/potions seem to go together. This is a counterpoint to the poison in the prologue. --The mysterious lady will obviously be further involved in the story. Looking forward to more!

Lots of notes on this one, mostly on the first section. I thought this was good, advances the plot a bit, and gives us some good personality building for Renfield. There were some problems with logistics in Stephanie's section, as noted below. pg 1: repetition of "arm" pg 1: "kick off the Scholomance" --does this mean "start the ritual" or "kill the person involved in the ritual?" Pg 3: Probably Weekly Reader syndrome, but have we heard of Desdemona before? The Shakespeare reference was what went through my mind as well. pg 4: "The car squealed to a halt as both Bannister and Stephanie briefly surged forward from the brief recoil." --was this from Bannister braking hard? pg 4: "If what Stephanie suspected was true, the best option was to communicate non-verbally." --What? I don't follow. Stephanie seems to know something I don't. pg 5: "BANNISTER: JUST ACT NATURAL." --yes, two people in a suspicious place texting to each other looks natural... pg 6: "She fired at a shadowy figure at the end of the train yard, " --What? I thought the yard was deserted? There was no hint before now that this was a trap or dangerous situation. Then Stephanie just pulls out a gun a shoots someone. Need some more setup here. pg 6: "saw a column of soldiers in full SWAT regalia marching down towards them" --from where? to where? There's no description of the train yard. I don't have any sense of tension. pg 7: "But even from her spot between train cars, Stephanie could see black-clad Quaris soldiers towing Bannister’s car off." --that was quick. Again, no warning for what was going to happen here. I don't know how these people got into place so quickly. pg 7: "Stephanie guessed he was stronger than he looked" --or had solid proof from his actions the previous sentence. pg 8: "what were they doing at a random train yard in Dallas? " --my thoughts exactly. pg 9: your car/our car --I not sure the significance here. Did Rewer know they rode together? Does it matter? I looked back over the last couple submissions (5-6 chapters) and couldn't find the place where it was decided to go to the train yard. At this point I don't remember what was going on in this thread of the story. Probably some effect of reading week to week, but there were also a lot on intervening chapters. Pg 9: "“Would this be the same car that impounded two minutes ago?” Stephanie said into the speaker." --I'm also not sure how this is a giveaway, since I can't really remember how the plan went. To give him benefit of the doubt, Rewer could be assuming they will be pulling up to Bannister's car since they're also traveling to the train yard. Stephanie seems to latch on to his identity very quickly. --Also, yes, I did assume Rewer was the buyer before now. Pg 10: I'm not sure why Evelyn would fall over if Rewer stops holding her. Is she unconscious? --ah. You mention the EM pulse a couple paragraphs down. pg 11: "what her sister would do in situation." --missing a word. Also, I thought her sister was the one who was cutting herself and suicidal? Doesn't sound too much like a brawler, or am I remembering wrong? pg 12: Good visuals with the dragon and the blood/oil pg 15: "That name rang a bell. Something about that rang a bell," -repeated phrase pg 15: "I really, really hope this works." --And that the flare doesn't ignite the oil trail he's probably left from the car to his hand... pg 18: I like the way Renfield found out about Rewer a lot better than the way Stephanie did. It gives a lot more connection to events in the story and is less mustache twirly. pg 21: "He could use the outdated currency to trick the machines" --wouldn't it just work in the machines like normal? pg 25: Yeah, the hunters sort of come across as jerks, beating up a person they've already captured and who's offered them information freely. I'm starting to cheer for the monsters more than Westernra.

I liked this submission a lot more than last week's. (Hellas refused when he realised Lucifer had been corrupted by Abaddon, the Devourer and most powerful of the Demon Gods. --did we learn this last time? I don't remember making this conclusion) The intro is completely different from anything we've seen so far. It's exciting and I want to read more about it, but it seems to share nothing at all with the story from last week. pg 2-3 In reference to by comments from last week, I'm getting more of an Asgard feel from the city of Heaven--an advanced culture and beings humans call "angels." The description here fills in a lot of the questions I had in the prologue. pg 4: "bale of hay" --that's an odd thing to have in this high-tech culture. --I gather he's been arrested before, but I'm not sure why. Pg 6: I'm really liking these intermediate scenes, but they still seem completely unconnected with the culture I'm seeing in the rest of the book. There's a lot of names I don't recognize vs. recognizing most of the names in the prologue. You also seem to be saying that Mor = Elohim? Sort of confused. (Edit: I figured this out later. Again, the prologue gave me a different idea of what I was reading). Pg 6:"long-forgotten life before he had become “Hellas.” --Good hook on what he was before. --This gives some explanation as to the differences I see, but the whole thing is so different I'm wondering how you get from the cut scenes to Heaven. It's making me want to read more to find out. pg 9: "flames moved and shaped themselves into a small, serpentine creature, like a tiny orange dragon." --cool pg 16: "Scrios’ gaze softened; he saw the pain in Hellas’ eyes, the way he avoided eye contact, how his shoulders suddenly slumped. Scrios could empathise with the boy; he had felt the same pain long ago, and even the span of centuries had done little to ease it." --This is drifting into Scrios' POV. These next two chapters answer most of the questions I had in the prologue, to the point where I wonder if the prologue is even necessary? I think I learned all I needed from these chapters, and I like this story a lot better. I wasn't sure about the story I was reading in the prologue. However, I do want to read the one you give me in chapters 1-2. Looking forward to more!

pg 8: "Yes. No need to look so confused. I need to take care of some people, and you love killing. After all the years the act of killing has become mundane, but watching others fight to the death...” --I think you said last time that the recent one was the second person he killed, so the act couldn't have become mundane. I like that we find out what's up with Daryl. I didn't get that he had Down's syndrome from the prologue. Honestly I have a hard time with any sympathy for the character, which made reading this hard. I'm guessing I'm not really the target audience for this. He's basically a horrible person in every way, except for his brother. However, he's led Daryl to believe that killing is fine, which isn't really a good message. So far, each person the MC kills has barely any description, and then is killed horribly. Evidently the person he killed in the last chapter was a girl that was breaking into houses. By the descriptions, I don't think we could even know it was female. Yes, she broke the law, but I'm having a hard time justifying her brutal murder. The gunman in this chapter I have less of a problem with, but there's still no effort to see them as anything but a body to be killed.

Nope! I was thinking the same thing while reading. A lot of what we think of as "The Devil" was influenced by Dante's Inferno, though the concept of fallen angels existed a long time before that. I think you can have a lot of fun with distinguishing how Lucifer in the story is different from what our culture knows as the Devil. I have no problem with playing around with how Heaven works in relation to Earth, but when you start giving us scenes that directly contradict common thought and don't give any explanation for it, that's when you get readers popping out of your story and scratching their heads. I think you can explain away most of the worldbuilding problems I had with well placed (and concise) dialogue and action from the characters.

First off, welcome to Reading Excuses! I thought this was well written and I enjoyed the story so far. You have quite a bit of action and conflict to start, so it draws the reader in. The pace and characters were good. I will say that Hellas is the only one who seems competent. No one else really does anything to help, which is not really what I expect from a bunch of angels. That leads into the biggest issue I have with this, which deals with the underlying worldbuilding (below). I'm not offended by the religious aspects--I'm just thinking about it with reference to the myths and beliefs prevalent in especially our western culture. Notes and Concerns: pg 3: "Lucifer closed his eyes and looked away. He could not mention the voices that echoed in his ears every night, telling him of the plight of the humans under Elohim’s control, " --You switch POV here from Hellas to Lucifer. The trinity don't say or do anything the whole time. From their names, I assume they and Michael have awesome powers. But they just seem like sort of lazy humans. Micheal has a sword. Hellas seems to have more magical power than the trinity itself. Lucifer could have stabbed Elohim easily while he was waiting for Hellas and Micheal. I assume he had some reason not to? Prologue: Does the rest of the book happen to someone else or far in the future? If it picks up right after Hellas is arrested, I would make this chapter 1, instead of a prologue. So far, my best guess is that the next chapter picks up right after, but I could be wrong... Worldbuilding Questions: You show us Earth, then rest of the action takes place in heaven. But there are constant reference to bodies, implements like pitchforks, and angels bleeding and dying. How is heaven different from Earth? Is in a different kind of reality, or just on another planet (For example, the Fey realm vs. Asgard from the Marvel universe) The pre-existing names gave me some problems. For example, you seem to set the time as around WW1 from the scene on Earth, but Lucifer has been a fallen angel and the open antithesis of heaven for thousands of years before this, according to several religions. We know he's the bad guy. So is this an alternate Earth where the concept of evil has not disassociated itself from good? Then how did WW1 happen? Or is time flexible? Then there is no need to rush anywhere. I don't think you want these questions to intrude on the story you're telling, but I can't help thinking about them the whole time, which draws me out of the story. Anyway, I did enjoy it overall, so I'm interested to see how it progresses from here.

There's a lot of extra information at the start about the air force base. I had to go back and look at the last chapter to figure out why they were there. Jason assumes it, but you never make any transition from Renfield fighting to them being at the base. I assume they had to pack up everything from the last building the council was staying at? pg 7: "Renfield was gone" --I don't believe this. Banniser would have picked something up, unless some other power was at work. pg 9: "“Sinister laugh. Sinister laugh.” Renfield said aloud." --this is...strange. pg 9: "Several boots rattled through the tall grass like coins in a tin can" --I don't think that's the sound grass makes. pg 10: "this time he could feel the cold iron band of a gun barrel pressed against his neck." --when did someone get behind him? pg 13: "Irving hoped he would have just enough time to visit Rebecca at the hospital " --You've mentioned Irving attending to his wife every time he comes up, but you've never given us a scene at the hospital, or if so, it was very early on. It almost feels like a running gag now, which I'm guessing is not the way you want it to seem. (edit: Ok, you do give us this scene at the end of the chapter. That helps, but he's still pretty distant from her, even while professing his love.) pg 15-16: Irving's confrontation with Sean is strange. He says he's going to give information, then doesn't. He insults Sean to his face and then Sean just takes it when the flash drive appears. At that point, I wouldn't trust the drive to not put a virus on my computer or something. pg 17: "Honestly, the things you can do with a werewolf when you don’t have to worry about their teeth.” --Eh? Did Sean have sex with a werewolf or something? I'm fairly sure I know who the buyer is at this point, but I'm interested to see who it is, next time.

pg 4: "The shot went through Mom's neck. Her life gushed from the wound, soaking Daryl and I in blood. The trigger was easier to pull than I hoped." --This part does seem too unnecessary/convenient. pg 4: "Bats get heavy after 157 swings." --did he count the swings? If so, that lends a completely new and creepy revelation to this sentence. pg 4: "The law has been useless since 1866" --why? pg 7: "Killing that cremhole was exhausting." --You still haven't said anything about why the intruder was in his house, nor why the one in the prologue was there. pg 7: That dogwalker saw me like this.: --Yes, but he only peeked out through the bottom of the window. The person outside might have seen nothing, depending on if it was light or dark outside. pg 10: This guy is full-on homicidal, talking about killing everyone he sees and how his mom would be proud. And he wonders if he's trash for killing the intruder 20 years ago and the new one. With as crazy as he is, I would think he would have killed again in between the two. pg 12: "“We should call for a doctor or someone,” Dave said" --These police are geniuses... Overall, there is quite a bit of gratuitous gore. The main character also seems completely crazy, which makes the story creepier, but also harder to sympathize with him. We don't learn anything about the intruders aside from the MC killed both of them, so I really don't know whether they deserved it or not. The Lucifer aspect honestly didn't add a whole lot for me. I've seen a lot of stories where the devil shows up to offer a deal. I'm not sold yet, but then I'm not big on gore. Lucifer could add something to the story, but I don't know enough yet to see where this is going.

pg 1: "As a the servant of Dracula, Renfield was a pretty good shot" --extra word here, and why does one follow the other? I would think a servant of Dracula would be good at hiding bodies and sneaking around, but not shooting a gun. pg 1: "It’s a great time to wipe away all those dead skin cells,” Rewer raised his hand. “And the dead . . . are mine.” --How does controlling dead skin cells translate to shriveling a head to a husk? pg 3: "Stephanie watched as Bannister flicked him off." --micro editing, but you could take out the first three words to make this sentence stronger. pg 6: "but so far his eyes continues to fight up," --??? pg 7: "holding strands of yellow brown in the other" --yellow brown hair? pg 8: "Renfield’s mouth nearly dropped open" --The first reaction from Renfield seemed like too comic a gesture to me, especially considering what he's about to do. pg 12: "He let it go to voicemail. He could call them back later. Right now, he couldn’t be distracted – not when he was this close." --Sometimes Irving puts everything aside to answer a call from the hospital, and sometimes he does the opposite. pg 13: "Solomonari" --you throw this word in for the first time, and I'm not sure what it means. Then you use it three times in two pages. Why has no one used it before? pg 16: "Irving patted an invisible dog, gesturing Jason to lower his voice. " --haven't heard that one before... Pg 17: is that the end of the chapter? It cuts off abruptly, almost mid-conversation. Overall, I didnt think the middle section was harsh. I thought Renfield's reaction was actually the strongest part of this section. There was a little problem in building up to it, but I think that's word choice. This is a bit prescriptive, but accentuating Renfield's repressed fear of Dracula earlier on in the story might make this section even stronger. There's a reason he braved a sinking submarine to get rid of him.

Lol!

I liked this a lot. It's well written and I the characters seem real. It was a little slow to get into, and the fantasy aspect of it didn't really come into play until 3/4 of the way through. I felt like I was waiting for something to happen. However, in the end, I liked where you went with it. I didn't understand the section about the shuffling and the squirmy leg on page 4. You hadn't introduced how the dreams work yet, and I was imagining an alien observer or controller for some reason. Looking back over the story, I'm not sure whether it's told chronologically or from the time period of the last section. I assumed chronologically at first, but now I'm thinking the main character is stepping back into dreams about his father after the funeral. Still not really sure. One edit: Diana is spelled with one "n" on page 7 and two "n"s on page 10 Overall, this was very thought provoking and a good read. Just a couple places where some parts could be clarified.

pg 2: Still not buying Irving using criminals. It seems like a complete lack of common sense, which Irving has. The next 2 chapters have some good tension, they keep me reading. pg 16: Wait--how is it a trap when they went through a secret passage? Did the hunters find the passage? Or maybe there's something missing in the description before this. Where did the secret passage exit? pg 18: "Renfield turned, pointing his gun at Bannister even if it left him wide open for one of the gunmen’s four buddies to put a bullet in his brain. " --Why is Renfield pointing a gun at Bannister? I didn't really follow what happened after this part. Did Renfield shoot Bannister? Who shot the gunman? I wasn't big on the Irving chapter, as usual, I think because his choice with calling in the hunters was obviously a bad idea. I didn't really have any comments on the next couple chapters, as they were were good in pacing and tensing. In the last one, I got lost, some from the blocking and lack of description, and some from confusing context right in the last scene. In a book, I would probably start reading the next chapter to see if things are clearer, but here I'm sort of left confused. Hopefully the next submission will clarify.

Heh...posted at the same time with Shrike, but it seems like we said the same things about the chapter. At least we're consistent!

pg 3: "Sophie drew closer, for once taking her large, hungry eyes off of Stephanie. " --If she had been watching Stephanie, wouldn't she have seen Stephanie fiddling with something in her pocket? I thought she had been watching Renfield. pg 4: "“The new Boss is so much more than that wrinkled, inflated Master ever was,” " "wrinkled, inflated" sounds like a conflict in terms. pg 5: A log is not going to catch fire from a lighter in a few seconds. Certainly not in enough time to stop a vampire biting its victim. pg 10: so Evelyn just sets a tree alight and the vampires waltz off? I don't really believe that. It seems like a lost chance to show off what the council can do. The vampires don't seem very threatening, either, and mainly stand around. You could show us more here. pg 12: "The pun reached a crescendo a second later" ?? pain maybe? Overall, I thought this was a pretty good section, barring some logistical stuff. I think the confrontation between the council and the vampires was over to quickly and easily, but aside from that, some things got accomplished. Maybe it's weekly reader syndrome, but was burning the scroll brought up before? If they were just going to destroy it, they could have shot the dragon statue or set it on fire or something. It seems like overkill to have the scroll in hand before putting it in a fire. If it can't be destroyed, that's another matter, but the narrative is still inconclusive on that part. Some of the comedy in the last section reads a little forced, but that might just be me. Last, there are still lots of missing words here. Might be nice to do a once-over proof before submitting. Looking forward to what happens next!

pg 1: "She hadn’t even stopped to consider the fallout at Westenra." --really? It's been a few days by now, I'm sure she's thought of it at some point. pg 2: "Renfield apparently had the good sense to look away altogether. " --is she naked? Why? pg 5: “It’s more of a case of calling collect,” Evelyn said. “Ten scholars enter. Only nine leave. The Devil takes one scholar as payment.” --So is Dracula a scholar? What does the Scholomance actually do, if the point isn't to make Dracula into a vampire? What was his original intention in doing this? pg 5: "“His Faustian pact gave him an advantage over his enemies, one that death.”" --incomplete sentence... pg 6: "Stephanie pushed her hands so deep inside her pockets she could almost touch her thighs. " --I touch my thighs every time I put my hands in my pockets... pg 6: "But this document has power to Dracula’s followers. And if you remove it" --wait, what? I'm starting to get confused here. How/why is Stephanie going to remove the document? Does this have something to do with her visions? pg 8: "but I’m still not hiring them." --Was she ever planning to? pg 10: nosily --?? pg 14: I'm not sure Irving can make this work. Jason has not been the best companion to Stephanie so far. I thought the first chapter was good, barring a couple places where I got confused as to what the plan was. The Irving chapter was again...maybe not necessary? Also, are you implying by the phone calls in both chapters that the mummy lord is the buyer? If so, no one actually called each other. If not, the phone calls at the same time seems off. I'm not convinced Jason can do any better than anyone else in getting to Stephanie, especially after what happened in the apartment. In the last chapter, Stephanie's memories of her sister were interesting, but I'm not sure how much they added to the situation. Did they lead her to the statue of the dragon? Also, why did the Chosen happen to be hanging around at that time? Hopefully we'll find out next chapter.

Don't think there was anything attached in the email...

I'll take a first stab at it. pg 1: "Stephanie jerked outright" --upright? pg 3: "White strands of light cinched from the woman" --not quite sure what this means. pg 4: "at least before she started having episodes and calling technology the Devil’s lasso" --Would Stephanie think her episodes are related to this in any way? (glad you address this later). pg 4: “And you think God just happened to give you all this . . . despite being made out of walking corpses from a madman.” --I didn't jump to the conclusion that Evelyn believed this. Was this following from the "good book" quote? Evelyn's kindness actually makes me a little more suspicious. She does say she wants to find out about Stephanie's visions, but I have to think she has some other agenda. Someone that old probably has several irons in the fire at once. The discussion of faith seems abrupt. I'm not sure where the topic suddenly came up, unless I missed something. Thus sentences like "her faith appeared so genuine" don't ring true because the reader hasn't actually observed that from Evelyn yet. The whole discussion about faith and God in the last half of the chapter seemed a right turn from what I had read so far. Has this even been brought up before? pg 6: "much less more or less rational." --repeated word pg 8: "in case either or Bannister ' --missing word pg 10: "That’s why he had his Contractors, assuming none of them killed Steph in the process. Just else can go wrong? " --The Contractors, presumably... pg 12: Maybe it's weekly reader syndrome, but I don't quite remember what happened between Jason and Irving and why Jason's so upset with him. pg 14: "Renfield averted his eyes as she did so. Otherwise, they ran down her toned form" --confusing pg 17: “But if your mother and your sister had it . . . are you sure they weren’t having the same visions?” --This nicely ties in to what I mentioned on page 4 I like the conversations here, giving more information and bringing in the question of Stephanie's mother and sister. I enjoyed Evelyn's electricity tricks, but like I said, the faith conversation with Evelyn was a little sudden, and jarred me out of the story a little. If there had been some other seeds planted before now, that would help. Renfield is pitiful, as usual. I wouldn't have put him on the Council...is he really a member, or just lying/confused about it? Looking forward to more!

I thought the first part of this was a little slow and confusing. There were some inconsistencies in the conversation in the car, some of which I've noted below. However, the council members were much more interesting. Even though you were conveying a lot of information, it didn't feel like an infodump. I enjoyed the banter between them and the revelations. I'm not sure I'm completely bought into the information about van Helsing--there's certainly something else going on. I'm glad we're getting into the meat of things. Some of this information might have been more engaging to the reader if available earlier on. Stephanie does seem pretty trusting of the Council, especially as one of them just locked her in a truck. A little more information on WHY westerna hunt monsters might set this section up better. Definitely interested to see what's coming next! Notes: pg 1: Renfield hated two things about the interior of Bannister’s car. The lack of air conditioning --You don't list a second thing... pg 3: "He waited patiently for the tension to return. Fortunately, it never did." --why not? pg 3:“What kind of death are you coming back from?” Renfield asked." --Renfield asks the question, but then answers it himself and never lets Bannister answer. pg 4: "Bannister twisted the wheel like the mast on a ship" --the wheel on a ship? The rudder? I don't think he's twisting the mast. pg 4: "He brought his hand up to his chin, feeling the traces of hair " --not sure what this is for pg 6: "The Council of Others, she presumed? She knew Bannister right way" --I didn't think Bannister was on the Council, and I presumed the Council was more than three people. --OK, you do address this later. pg 6: "A gray fleece of hair spread across the man’s beard " --wording pg 11: "Well, that’s where Renfield gets it from, Stephanie thought. " --gets what? The crazy? pg 13: "The room fell into a deep silence. Evelyn faced downward, as if lost in thought. Bannister laughed like a hyena." --It's not quiet if Bannister is laughing. pg 19: "tattoo on his shoulder" --I thought it was on his arm?

Notes as I read: Pg 1: the paragraph about the buyer having Stephanie seemed very repetitive. Pg 1: "cold metallic slab" This doesn't say cell phone to me Pg 2: Noting the founders of Westernra could have come at chapter 4, not chapter 20. This would have given us more to go on at the beginning, but by this point, it's old information. Pg 4: "Why am I even calling this guy?" Exactly. Calling up a list of serial offenders to find Stephanie seems...problematic. I'm sure he doesn't need all 15 and the necrophiliac sex offender certainly is beyond a poor decision. I don't believe he would really call these people up. The section in the farmhouse was fine. The scenes with Just Renfield and Stephanie continue to be good, and we get more information on the monster council and what they are doing. Did several days pass here? There was one mention of this ("Every morning, Stephanie expected the worst."), but I wasn't sure that was what you meant. Pg 14: Stephanie family and the Bible. I would think the Van Helsing family would not be fundamentalists. If they are really directly descended from the original Abraham Van Helsing, their family line is probably highly educated, skeptical, and not prone to having religious family members. Pg 16: the chocolate covered flies were a nice touch. I'm interested to see the Council and learn more about the opposing side of the monster hunting business.

Pg 1: I can make a guess at Aer and Traversal, but this is a really short story to introduce a magic system. It feels like this is part of a larger story. Pg 3: Was Ched a hallucination? That part was a little unclear. I'm guessing he was, but then how did Portsef know where to go? This was enjoyable, but my main concern with this story was that while you give some explanation of the Aer at the end, you have to devote a bit of story to doing so, and to explaining the poison at the beginning. The arc of the story seems to be "Portsef gets away from the cops while not blacking out from poison." Did the Aer and the action of Traversal actually add anything? I like the magic as you describe it, but I felt like he could just have easily escaped through a hidden tunnel in the hideout or something.