Mandamon

Shrike: Good thoughts! First, you've got the right questions on what will happen next, so hopefully that means I've done my job there. On traveling in space, you were right with your original thought. This is the first time anyone has traveled in space. I'll try to make that clearer. On the magic system, I see I still have some work to do. You might have something with Song, as in someone is using sections of their own melody to effect changes in the Symphony of the universe. Does that make more sense in terms of draining the individual as they do more magic? On withdrawing investment, you are correct that the change only stays around when the majus is actively putting effort into it, or else they have to leave a permanent bit of [light/Song/etc] to keep the change going. So as you say, the places he's affecting are gone too fast to withdraw the change and thus become permanent by virtue of tearing the [light/Song/etc] away from him. It sounds like you get what I'm trying to convey, even if you're still confused about it. I'll try to make it clearer.

To follow up with what Shrike said, I'm really enjoying the story, and I try to note that somewhere in my list of negatives. I might actually come across as more negative because I want the story to be even better. I think a revision on the magic system will clear up most of the problems. Going forward, I'll try to pretend I've read your magic explanation and only focus on the new things that pull me out of the story.

Lol. I'm sort of in the same boat. These are the things that go tumbling around my brain as I type. I originally had a word for the "inner energy:" kelhiw. But in interest of not having more strange words, I took it out and replaced it with "light" as that generally equates to soul/energy/substance. There is also the visible aspect of the magic, where each majus has their own personal color, as well as the house color. This, in my mind at least, is an indication of their light, and the quality thereof. So for the moment, I think I'm also inclined to stay with "light."

@ Robinksi: thanks as usual for the engineering once-over! Good points on the lack of scale and wonder in space. I'll add some more in. I was surprised myself how short the landing section was when I re-read it. I think it needs some more lengthening, in which I can describe how the capsule is moving. On the magic system, I see what you're saying with light vs. aural changes. Basically light = soulstuff. Is there a good auditory word to express this? Yep, probably a poor choice of word there, making the magic even more confusing. I'll remove "especially." @rdpulfer: Glad the magic was easier to follow this time around. That was what I was aiming for. I've had people either love or hate Origon. Sounds like I was able to make him a bit more likable in his crankiness this time around.

I'm ok with it being a bit confusing at first if the story is interesting, but it should be clear by halfway through the story. Let me know if that's the case.

Pretty much the same reaction as Robinksi to this one. What the heck is the Trinity doing? More expounded on that in notes below. Yep. I get this same reaction every once in a while as well. Notes: Good sequel to the attack, starting out. Good to focus on how the deaths affect the people in the city. pg 6: Hellas is really worn out here. It would be be good to put some of this into the last submission when he's casting spells, to show what the effect will be. pg 7: I have no idea how the Trinity stays in power. They seem to be completely incompetent, lazy, and unintelligent. If they don't even bother to look for Hellspawn outside their gate, that's pretty bad. The closest I can think of is the French royalty, and we know what happened to them. pg 8: "Paracleatus demanded, his skin finally erupting in orange fire." --The trinity all seems so apathetic, I'm wondering why Paracleatus is angry? pg 8: "We are doing all we can." --obviously not, if they could have seen or done something about the hellspawn. pg 9: Strange switch to outside Hellas' POV (Elohim's POV?). Also, I don't understand why Elohim is so sad. If he admits something is wrong, why doesn't he just fix it? He is literally God. pg 9: "Hellas intended to find out why the Devil wanted to meet him." --So does Lucifer now equate with the Devil? I'm not sure you've used that name before. pg 10, top paragraph: I did not catch that this was Catherine's POV until right before it switched back to Hellas. pg 11: "Elohim’s ancient fortress, built centuries before Heaven was created" --There are a lot of worldbuilding questions packed into this line... pg 12: "The hologram pointed at the stone wall to his right." --The what now? There was no indication previous that Lucifer was a hologram. pg 13: Lucifer's giving him armor? Interesting. pg 14: "there was only one response to Lucifer’s gift." --Really? I would have refused a gift with so many possible traps from my sworn enemy... pg 15: I like the cliffhanger at the end. Nice to see Elohim actually doing something. Still concerned about his incompetence... I really like the story overall, just have some doubts here and there. Looking forward to next week.

pg 1: "“Then pay them with my share.” He shook Donn off and turned to the men who had come forward at his call." --Is this only to get revenge for Gerri? Otherwise Connor really has no stake and probably wouldn't give up his money for fighting over a throne in a foreign land. pg 2: "but you have need of haste if your enemy has sailed already.” Hakon led them quickly through narrow streets to the wide" --So I guess they hired Hakon? Seems like something was left out here. pg 5-6: Not sure what I think about Connor's little temper tantrum. Mainly it seemed to come from nowhere. Is he upset about Gerri? Really wants to get to Gwydion? Bipolar? pg 7: "Black Owain gutted the leading sellsword " --Was this his own man? I'm confused here. --ok, I got it but I had to read those two paragraphs several times. I was confused by the sellswords and sailors being described so close together. pg 8: "They had only a few breaths before Gwydion looked over the top of the beach and cried his men on in that mighty voice." --This again seems anti-climatic. I get the impression that Gwydion just pops his head up and yells "kill them" from somewhere off in the distance. pg 11: "He drove it down a second time, and ended Gwydion and all his spells" --Well that was easy. His broken sword doesn't even slow him down. Final thoughts: Is this the end? It seems like it is, from your submission post and since Gwydion got killed, but I'm missing all the resolution. What about Connor and Donn? What about Gerri? Does he survive? Does Connor get paid? Where exactly did they end up? Does Conner get drive mad by the ghostly echoes of Gwydion's music? Gwydion went down like a tuba player in a marching band, not like the heir (legitimate or not) to a kingdom. The writing here is very good, and the descriptions often draw me in, but I'm left with an overall lack of tension and emotion in the story. I don't ever get a good feeling for what Connor thinks about things and why he is doing them. There's only a description of "this thing happened." I think this has the elements of a really good Beowulf-style tale, with origins in oral tradition. I think the pacing was good, minus a few places where it seemed like thing were missing. But it's lacking all the boasting and embellishment from the teller (Connor). Show me his raging heart over his friend Gerri! Show me his condemnation of Donn and his hatred of the coward Gwydion!

Well, fortunately Robinski was first so I can agree with him! I also felt this lacked any urgency, and I was pulled out by lots of spelling, grammar, and consistency errors. As Robinski says, this is the big finish! The ritual has started (I assume this is about the end of the book?) and Our Heroes should be at their lowest point and starting to climb up that steep valley to Win Against Overwhelming Odds. Instead, we get a sort of slow car chase and Stephanie running around by herself. I was also confused by who should be in the ceremony and how/why it started. I would assume there would be a lot of preparation. I am still interested to see what happens to everyone... pg 2: "looked at the beeping device in Evelyn’s arm." --in her hand, presumably. pg 4: "small Little Bird helicopter" --maybe need a better adjective for this. pg 7: "two cloaked figures to move away from the guards" --I thought they were the guards? pg 8: "their breaths from several yards away. *** The dry grass crumbled beneath Stephanie’s weight as " --not sure why there's an ellipsis here. I don't get the sense any period of time passed. pg 13: "the bedazzled Texas" --I wouldn't call being hit in the nuts bedazzled, particularly. pg 13: “Never! Joke! About! A! Woman’s! Weight!” --Did he? I don't think I caught that. pg 15: "a guard shined right into her robe." --shone a light?

Thanks Shrike! I think you'll get your questions answered about how the rocket works in the next submission. if not, let me know. Good points about the information overload. That seems to be the consistent comment. I've yet to find a good balance where both the learning curve is shallower, and all the information later on is well foreshadowed.

Previously, Origon attends a gathering called by the Methiemum species to reveal a new technology. It turns out to be a space-faring capsule, but the majus pilot is assassinated before they can take off. Origon happens to be the right kind of rare majus to take his place, and decides to do so. Like last time, Let me know: What bores you What confuses you What you don't believe What is cool Also, people who had issues with the magic system last time, let me know if this section helps at all. Thanks!

Thanks again! Oddly, I just read an article on Tor this morning about the archaeology of your worldbuilding, and it mentioned things like guns being a real sticking point with people, despite when they come up culturally. I'm going to change this point somehow, but I'm not sure how yet. Thanks for all the comments on it. On detail: I originally had a lot more detail in this beginning section but edited it out because other readers were getting bored without action and even more confused with alien race descriptions as well as magic. I think from everyone's comments, I need to put a little of that back in, but try not to be confusing. Kammerite--this goes to your point on Homeworlds. They're all connected by portals, which you'll see very soon, but I should probably mention that earlier. AuthorityHellas, very good points on letting Origon (no, not a play on Oregon, just happens to be a similar word) interact more with the crowd. Good catch on the crowd reacting to the gunshots earlier. On Magic: Kammerite, you have it correct that the Houses are magical domains. Looks like I still need to make the workings clearer without info-dumping. You will learn more in the part next week. I'm ok with a little reader confusion to begin with as long as you get it cleared up before you get frustrated, so let me know if the next post makes things clearer.

I'd like to put up the second part of my short story as well. I've been "that guy' before, so It will only take 4 weeks this time!

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I love the title of this story. That and the single bit of description about the eyepatch makes me want to read more. pg 1: I had to read the third paragraph a couple times. I think there was a disconnect with "Papa turned his back to me." and "He closed the door behind him" because we don't have any description of where they are. At first I thought Papa closed the door to tell him a secret. pg 2: "but there was not another person of musical inclination anywhere else in the county." --This seems strange and sad. No one plays any music there? pg 3: "from Old Trahaearn himself if I must!" --"If I had to?" I think you changed tenses here. pg 4: "I saw a giant in the darkness cast behind him, carrying the severed heads of men he had slain and eaten, bouncing on his shoulders with each step." --cool imagery pg 8: even with the lead-in, the change to the story-in-a-story is kind of abrupt. pg 11: "Looking at the swan, he examined "O bird! How do you speak? What enchantment is here that you utter the words of man?"" --I wasn't sure at first the man couldn't understand the swan. This clears it up. (Same confusion Eisenheim had above). pg 14: I'm enjoying the fairy tale, but I'm not quite sure where it's going...at this point it seems to be a lot of semi-philosophical sayings. pg 16: The end of the tale is...strange pg 17: "I had held myself at the window and strained.' --this sentence seems awkward. pg 17: "The only point in the swirling pool of mouths and cheeks and possibilities that remained still and constant was his one eye." --Some of the poetic phrases in here border on just plain strange. I really like the style of what you're writing. It reminds me of Grimm's Fairytales and Jim Henson's Storyteller. However, as it progressed, the story and descriptors got more and more esoteric and ethereal. As Eisenheim says, you don't really say why Trahaearn is off limits, so we're not completely set up for the “Trespasser!” at the end except for the sign on the lawn. I enjoyed the story-in-a-story, but we don't get any explanation for it, even just a "let me tell you a weird story to pay for the groceries." We also don't get anything at the end except that Papa talks about the weather and leaves. I'm hoping there's more explanation in the next part. I am enjoying it, but also want to find out more about where these tales come from and what they have to do with the rest of the story.

Okay, so lots of notes on this one. First, I think chapter 5 does have use, especially if you tweak it to help us understand the magic system, which is my biggest complaint below. I have some big issues with consistency in ch 6. I really like the story, but I'm frustrated with things that are pulling me out of it. I still want to read more, and I hope my concerns are cleared up as I read farther along. pg 1: "They ensured that the populace was well fed, employed and equipped. Hellas considered their job description as boring as their clothes were ridiculous." --boring maybe, but unless angels don't need to eat, I would think this was one of the most important jobs. Hellas, as a strategist, would recognize this. pg 2: "Thomas, “the Doubter,” Interesting, but wasn't Thomas a human? You haven't covered where/how/why humans can become saints or (angels). I'm coming from popular religion here, but that's the only thing I have to go on so far. pg 2-4: I'm not sure what Hellas is doing here with the White Faces. Why does he want to give them sentience? I'm still iffy on the magic as well, so your description of him Pushing, Touching, and using Eclipse energy doesn't give me more information about what that magic controls. The creation of the White Faces also doesn't seem to tire Hellas in any way or make his use anything. Could he just stand around all day and do this? "An emerald rune flashed on his palm and he sensed the White Face becoming vaguely sentient" --This is what I'm talking about. Why does this happen? I have no idea what the emerald rune even is, much less why it makes something become sentient. What happens if you attach it to an animal? A piece of wood? Let me be clear, I really like what you're doing with this, I just want to understand it better. pg 6: "Hellas was the only Forger who was able to travel in and out of the Void at will. Technology such as the Pearly Gates that connected Heaven to the Middle Kingdom was therefore enjoyed without really being understood. --so where did they get the tech from? Did Hellas build it? pg 6: "Solid Eclipse energy,’ he whispered and shook his head. ‘Gets me every time." --a bit infodumpy. "Vibrant streams of colour flowed around him like petals blown by cosmic winds." --I thought he was in eternal blackness? pg 6: "On his current path, every minute would likely equate to hours back home. But with a whole afternoon to himself, he was not worried." if a minute=hours, then he should move quickly if he wants to be back in the next day or two. pg 7: "He extended his fingers and gingerly Pushed the energy with the most delicate Touch he could muster." --this is what I don't understand. If he's doing both at the same time, what's the difference? I still don't really understand what either of them are except for Hellas using energy of some sort. pg 7; "They called me…Raziel." --this would have more impact if I had heard of him in a previous chapter. pg 7: "I wanted to know if there was a way to bring the dead back to life.' --he does? Maybe I missed something last week. pg 9: "take a lesson" --Looks like from the next page that Hellas is teaching, not taking. pg 9: I like that the names are the same as great warriors in history. Hoping to find out more about why. pg 11: "No situation is un-winnable. No matter how grim things may appear, there is always a way to survive and win." --I would debate this... pg 13: "Almost a hundred White Faces rose out of the thick shadows" --so evidently he can raise a LOT of these things. Why not just fight the demons with them instead? Especially since: "If the students could face these monsters, the hellspawn would be a walk in the park" pg 13: "banishing his White Faces back to the Void with a snap of his fingers" --WHY! See above. pg 14: "A hundred and fifty White Faces emerged from the fog, their deadly diamond glaives glinting in the sunlight, faces blank and black robes smouldering. " --Now I'm really confused. He banishes them, then calls them back. And if he has the energy to do that, I'd expect Hellas could take on all 500 Hellspawn with one hand tied behind his back. pg 16: "Hellas fell to his knees. His heart pounded against his chest. Sweat streamed from his forehead. He felt every last iota of energy evaporate from his body. " --I don't believe this at this point. He should have either fallen over sooner or have plenty of energy to continue. Seems plot-driven.

Thanks folks! I've written in the universe so much I have a hard time seeing when the magic is confusing or not, which is why I have you all! This is the main complaint I often get (see my tagline...). See if this makes sense by the time you get to the second part. Is this confusing enough that you would stop reading, or would you be willing to keep on to find out, if you were reading on your own? What specifically is overloading you? The magic? The different species? Just the names? Yes, I've had other complaints about the guns. I think I'll just make them not used very much. I'm thinking WWI era where officers still would carry swords, but infantry might have guns. Re: bats. I try to keep animal mentions to a minimum, but I'm of the mind that if it moves like a bat and squeaks like a bat, call it a bat rather than a zarfdoodle. My main question is did it help you visualize what I meant? This is definitely edited. You might see more differences as the story progresses. Thanks for the fresh re-read! I'm actually planning on putting this on my website as a freebie once I self-pub Tuning the Symphony next year, so you may be my intended audience, though I still want to make the magic clear enough. Of course, my goal is to make this stand by itself. Thanks for all the comments as usual. Looks like overall I need to add more setting description to start with. Maybe that will help with the confusion the other folks are having if there is more setting and less magic and strange species? --guilty.

Anther good submission, but still my biggest complaint is the lack of tension. In the first few pages, you tell us about what is happening and who is finding out what secrets, but never really show us anything. It makes reading about it a little dry. I like that Connor finally takes charge at the end. Putting Gerri in danger adds some tension, but not enough. Gwydion's attack was somewhat anticlimactic to me. I think the story is good, but I don't really feel connected with it or with how Connor is feeling. I still am interested to read the rest, though. I have a feeling Donn is not all he seems. Notes: pg 5: "welcoming as his own mother’s house" The paragraph is talking about Donn, so I had to take a moment to remember we're in Conners POV. pg 5: "As they sat to the board, Connor heard soft music sliding in from the street beyond." --This is a very un-tense conflict. I actually had to read the next few sentences again to realize the Big Bad had found them! pg 6: "Connor ran over a counter-tune in his head, willing himself to hum or whistle it. " --Does Conner know song-craft too? I thought it was just Donn. pg 6: "If the flute player had come in as well, Gerri could have freed the rest of the company by slaying him, " --Isn't this Gwydion? Last paragraph he stepped in the building. --Also, why not just hire a lot of deaf guys to fight Gwydion?

This was a pretty good submission. Nothing big happened, but I can tell things are building up to a close. Renfield proves himself to the Council. There was good tension in the section with Stephanie and the mercenaries, and I liked the conversation between Irving and Stephanie. I don't know if I'm just noticing it now, or if it's been going on for a while. You tend to overuse the same word, for instance Renfield's name on page 3, or "syringe" in the last paragraph. This is editing level stuff, but I thought I'd point it out in case you hadn't seen it. Notes: pg 1: "Deep grooves cut into the gravel like corn crops" --Is this a midwest thing? I don't get the description. pg 3: top of page, "Refield" three times in three lines. Maybe use "he." pg 3: "The pallid figure didn’t budge as the goon laid into Renfield with a fury of backhands." --laid into Bannister, maybe? pg 4: "like an action star hero" --action hero pg 5: "Cedar dust sprayed from the walls" --are the train cars made out of cedar? I assumed metal. pg 13: "The two men audibly gulped as Stephanie relinquished her grip on the knife." --Why didn't she just take it? pg 14: "Then it was Stephanie’s turn to stop breathing" --This seems a little overkill. I would expect Irving to 1) know pig and regular Latin and 2) know Stephanie enough for her to expect him know show she's faking it. pg 16: “My dad doesn’t like board rooms. He likes the smell of wooden stakes, like the one he’s going to cram down your gut when he finds you.” --Might be weekly reader syndrome, but I forgot Sean wasn't Stephanie's father. pg 18: "he saw the bond was broken – cut apart by a knife." --ok, this answers my question about the knife... pg 18: "Stephanie twisted away the syringe from her neck, and started to point it at her own" --HIS own

Hello all, Some of the older members may have seen this before. It's been updated and turned into a short story (about 15k). This is the first of four parts. Let me know: What bores you What confuses you What you don't believe What is cool Thanks!

I think I was still too confused by the similar names. "Did Robinski submit something under a different name? Does he want us to critique him differently?" I actually had to pay attention to the writing style quite a bit. It is different than yours, but has some similarities in prose and setting type!

Merry December happy festival thing to everyone! Also, I would like to submit the first part of the short story I was working on for next week. It will be in four parts.

I'd keep reading this, because it's well written, but extra tension would keep me interested longer rather than just finishing it to get to the end.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I think Shrike got all the typos and incomplete sentences I saw. Honestly, I don't have too many comments. This is a good story, well written, and makes me want to read more. It was a little slow to read, but that's more my own preference. I like that Connor is proactive, forcing Donn to tell him the rest of the information. Maybe my only concern is that there's not a lot of tension. As Shrike says, the arguing between Donn and Conner reads as a little forced. Yes, it's noble/singer vs. commoner, but a little more information on why Donn is so stuck up might help. That's really the only tension I feel in the story so far. I still want to read more, but as Connor isn't really concerned about catching up to Gwydion, neither am I. Connor's a sell-sword, so he's not going to be as invested in any quest as the one paying him. As far as I can tell, there's no threat to Conner's home or country and he's fighting to protect a not very powerful king in Eire. (Being prescriptive here so feel free to ignore...) Some other conflict to bring the risk home to Conner would up the tension. In all, very nice story so far. I haven't read a tale about Irish/Scottish bards in many years, and it's a little nostalgic!

Sorry to hear that, Kammerite. I've had my own problems with a couple crashes, and now use Dropbox for everything. As long as you have an internet connection, whatever you're working on is saved off your computer.

The first few pages of this are exciting, but not really engaging, if that makes sense. Hellas is doing a lot of neat things, moving earth and fire and creating things, but I really have no idea what's going on and whether this is relevant to the plot. I don't have any rules for what he's doing with the Mark and Aspect and runes. You could have a more "Lord of the Rings" magic system where we don't know how the magic works, but from the names, it seems more like a Sanderson system where there are rules. I don't know those rules. Ok, you do start to put down rules a page or so later, but I now have Mark, Aspect, runes, Push, Touch, Okhar, Forger, Sor, Wraithfire, and the Eighteenth Sphere, all to describe one magic system. I'm confused (and ask Robinski; I write complex magic systems). Pg 6: The flashback here, if I'm remembering correctly, is adding more to the others we've seen before, but a lot of the text is the same. It's starting to build up tension for me, which is good, but I also don't want to keep reading this over and over. (Edit: I saw your note above after writing this). I'm still a little confused on who Mor is in relation to the angels and Elohim, especially when you give us the "third Prime God" who created the Okhar. I'm willing to give it another flashback or so to get things straight, but after that I'm going to be frustrated with all the names. pg 11: You have the three demon gods, but then later talk about Lucifer and Set, who is the "disease god." Again, confused on who is who and who is supposed to be what kind of demon. I sort of skimmed over the next couple lists of demon types. It's a bit infodumpy. A lot of the descriptions of the fight made me want to skim through it. Not because it wasn't well written, but because I'm not sure what it really adds to the story. The section about Hellas having to take a sip from his flask to steady himself is great and adds some good character building. For the rest, I'm really not sure why Michael is so incompetent that he can't lead this fight. It seems like they've been doing it a long time, and it wasn't that hard to fight the demons off. Why was Hellas brought back to call out a few orders? pg 17: "‘How did you see it coming?’ Michael asked as he picked his way through the corpses. ‘I make a habit of being prepared for anything,’ Hellas replied. ‘Then, I’ll never be surprised.’" --Is this the end of the chapter? It reads like it belongs in the next one. Overall, I really like the concept here and I think there's a really good story here as well. So far I'm seeing lots of Captialized Concepts, which tends to pull me back as they then beg explanation. There are a lot of names and classifications of god, angels, and demons as well, and we haven't really gotten account of what they mean. Maybe we'll get more in the future, but so far I'm confused on the magic system and confused on how the Mor/offspring are related to Elohim/offspring are related to Abbadon/offspring. I want to read more! I just also want to know what's going on.

This was a better section. I like both Renfield and Stephanie being proactive to get out of their situation. There were still some logical problems which I marked below, mainly about who has what information. Glad to see things are coming together. How many more chapters are there? Pg 1: If Irving recognizes the buyer, wouldn't he have to know it's Rewer? Has he ever met the buyer personally? pg 1: “What are the kids saying these days?” the Buyer shrugged. “It’s complicated.” --Are they saying that? pg 1: "Evelyn Lancaster, suspected accomplice." --Westernra doesn't have very good information on the monsters it hunts, does it? pg 2: "salvage this all after all" pg 3: "Nothing. His life would mean nothing." --This goes back to my earlier complaint that Irving tends to brush Rebecca off, ignoring her when it's convenient. pg 3: "He was effectively enrolling in the Devil’s semester" --The Devil's College, maybe? pg 5: "Sixteen minutes and three teeth later, Renfield spat blood onto the safe house floor." --good line pg 7: "He saw her smile . . . the small one he gave her right before he left." --She gave him pg 8: "which inside case resides beneath the oak desk." ??? pg 8: "Renfield flipped the switch with a swift kick of his foot." "He heard yells of frustration as he grabbed his meager possessions." --wait, how did he reach the desk? I thought he was tied up? how did he grab anything? pg 13: "She had a knife in her feet" --That must hurt. Maybe in her boot? pg 14-15: This is trending toward infodumpy, but I'm still ok with it. I more wonder how Irving knows all this and why Westernra (and the van Helsing family) don't. pg 17: "Hopefully I don’t run out of Pig Latin anytime soon." --That's awesome.