Mandamon

Looks like we already have five, but if some room opens up, I might have corrections to my latest story ready to submit by the 30th. --Edit: Nevermind. Hope to have it ready by the 6th, though.

This was very well written, and I think that was what most managed to keep my attention. I was sort of reminded of Jane Austen writing a war story. There's a big aside on the first page describing the situation in the city. I think this is good information to have, but at the moment, I'd rather get introduced to Lasila. The actions on the second page keep my attention more. This sort of thing continues through the submission. We dive into financial and political matters immediately. It leaves me a little displaced from the characters. Again, this is very good, and I want to keep reading, but the subject matter is a little dry for an introduction to these two characters. On your questions: Not confused by anything--I think it was all explained well, though I'm not sure of my reason for caring yet. I think Lasila is a good character. She seems to be getting by as best she can. She's proactive and sympathetic, so that overpowers the fact that she's not particularly likeable yet. Varinen I haven't gotten as much of a read on yet. He seems less competent than his sister. I was at first confused when "Varinen" popped up as she was talking about him being in some sort of council. I thought it was a city leader of some sort until he came home for dinner. Like eagle, I was confused on taenosil until you said "meat" and then I assumed it was a small prey animal of some sort. As Kiasa and Spieles say, There's a bit more worldbuilding than currently needed at this point in the story. To give you an idea of this: I completely forgot that you mentioned wings until I read through the comments. I saw it and was excited when you first mentioned it, but then forgot with all the social/political intrigue. So in summary, a good beginning, I'm intrigued, but it's a little bit of a dry start with the plunge into the political situation. I want to know more about the wings!

This was very enjoyable and I breezed through it. Nothing big caught my attention save the follow two minor points: pg 3: "Only, there’s a tiny rubber lion figurine stuck in the back" --In the back of what? The peace lily pot? pg 5: "palate" --pallet? I didn't have a problem with "middle America" but that's probably because I live here. I'm guessing from Kammerite's spelling of "centre" that he hails from overseas. Still, might be something to consider for an international audience. I really liked the first look at Aurum, and meeting Pascal for the first time. I'm a little hazy on the pings though. There were almost unknown at the trading post, but seems like even kids have them in Aurum? Also, this might be weekly reader, but do they have displays on the palms? Where is Oz reading words? I'm imagining full gloves, but I'm not sure of the specifics. Anyway, great chapter, looking forward to next time!

Like Robinksi, I connect with this story a lot more than Twin Moons. However, I also really disliked Ellora being simple. I think her character has great potential, but aside from her speech at the end about not fitting in, she seems very incapable. I was alright with Jakob, but like spieles says, I think some of the dialogue makes him seem inconsistent. I don't have a really good feeling for his character yet, except that he seems to be brave enough to take up a quest when he has no memory of it. I'll dive right into my notes: pg 2: Ellora is a paraplegic, but we don't hear anything about her metal exoskelton in the first few pages. Maybe you cover this a lot in the first chapters, but I would expect to hear squeaks and clanks while she walks, and have the soldier constantly aware of her. pg 3: Thing-I'm-not-supposed... --the first couple times this is funny, past that it just gets annoying to read. By the way, in the introduction you describe Ellora as a "cheery and childish" paraplegic. Is she actually a child, or just child-like? -edit: evidently child-like. I don't have a good idea of her age. pg 4: Ellora is past his line of sight... --does she move faster or slower than him in her suit? pg 5: "chilled his eyes to core" --nope. Several things wrong here. pg 5: "remember your soldier training" --Does he remember his training? Or is that part of his lost memory? pg 5: "tears forming on his face" --not unless he sweats tears. pg 6: "Reil spun around" --wait, Reil is physical? I thought she was a voice in Jakob's head? pg 7: The whole stopping of action to have a philosophical discussion with an angel on the nature of human suffering bleeds all the tension away. Jakob even realizes the fire is still spreading at the end. Normal human reaction (to me) would be to address the problem endangering his life first, then muse on what it means for the town. pg 7: "Ellora crashed though the door" --Still no mention of her clockwork armor. I really want to know more about it and how it works in emergencies! --ok, you do mention it briefly a few pps on, but only to say that it creaks. pg 8: Umm...is Ellora an imbecile (in the technical sense)? She's talking to an obvious corpse and seems to be actually expecting an answer. pg 9: "her voice came back muffled..." --Are we back in Jakob's POV? There was no separation. Also, the rest of this sentence doesn't really make sense. pg 9: "What letter" --I guess she is an imbecile... --and getting progressively more annoying. pg 11: "Reil's physical form" --ok, I guess she does have one. I don't think it was mentioned before now. "I cannot leave your body." --ok, now I'm confused. pg 12: I'm guessing Ellora is in shock, but it's not coming over that way to me. pg 13: "apart from my head..." --so then how does she control the armor? pg 14: "it hurts to blow my nose in armor." --why? And if she's paralyzed, moving around isn't going to affect her strength unless the armor is activating her muscles. Overall, I liked the setting and generally what's happening in the story. I don't know if I'm missing a lot from the first few chapters, but I did not get a good sense of how Ellora moves around in the armor, or how it works. I was also confused on how Reil works, and why/how she's attached to Jakob's arm. Most of Ellora's actions came across as mildly annoying, but I was ok with Jakob.

This did feel tighter than the previous version. Having also read some of the chapters with the POV characters, I'm not sure where the question/pronouncement is revealed, so I'm more on Spieles side, getting frustrated with the lack of any clarity on what this apocalypse is. If I were reading this for the first time, I'd probably be a lot more lenient, ready to read more and find out. Re: Prorochitsa vs. Prochitsa, I didn't have a problem with either, but the second is easier to pronounce. I'll second Robinksi that if this is all in the scribe's POV, you don't need the section break. The last bit is definitely in the queen's POV at the moment. Would this be the entirety of the prologue, or are you planning on writing some more? Even if this is something that happens far in the past of the story, I'd like to see a little more at the end, not necessarily even to reveal the catastrophe, but just to get some reactions from the scribe, the queen, those sentenced+9 to death, etc, to give us some more feeling for how bad this thing that's going to happen will be.

Contrary to kaisa, I probably am close to your target audience (is this YA, or general SciFi?). I liked the action in this chapter, but like kaisa, I did get a little bogged down near the end (you can see some of my confusion in the notes below). I think it's mainly a question of clarifying a few passages. I really enjoyed the reveal--if I had the full book in front of my, I would have flipped back to the beginning to see if there were any clues laid out, as I totally missed it. pg 1: ok--here's the explanation I was wondering about last chapter. Now my question is, how does Oz know? Have they interrogated or dissected some of the Rex? pg 1: "only inactive in the presence of their own kind" --Yet he's not attacking Mona or his son... He does later, but I'm still wondering how Mona got him there. pg 3: "He, after all, was the one who taught me this." --So Raj has an agenda to infiltrate the trading post? I'm finding it hard to equate higher planning skills with uncontrollable bloodlust... pg 6: "And Calgary might be something of a flirt, but it’s more than that. Penton’s communicating with him like they’ve known each other for years." --Didn't fully understand this. Are you implying that they did know each other, or that there's something developing between them? pg 9: "At my side, Penton says, “We have masks. They don’t.”" --Who? The escaping traders, or the Rex? pg 9: "The Bride blocks him," --I don't remember how many Brides are with them at this point. Is this the last one that's not Penton? Good reveal on page 10. Didn't see that coming. Very cool. You've got a good stepping-off point for the rest of the story. Very interested to see more!

pg 3: So are all the brides daughters of industrialists? (I see kaisa is asking similar questions). pg 3: Good reveal with Hayden, but would have been better if we were already aware of Turner and his role in the Rex, so Hayden didn't have to explain. Then the horror would work by itself. Maybe have it explained back in the first chapter, or was it already and I'm suffering from weekly reader syndrome? pg 3-4: tasting compost? Ew. pg 4: "glare of sun coming through the glass." --you mentioned night a few pp back, so I assumed this was at night. pg 4: "They’ve established bases in the east, old New York City, Detroit, and Charleston" --This raises an interesting question. Are the Rex simply the next dominant form of life now that Earth is changed enough for humans not to be able to breathe? Are they all violent, or just defending their territory? Do they have a society? ! always had this same moral quandary when fighting wastelanders in Fallout. Oz being able to breathe changes this, of course, but so far he's the only one. pg 5: "purple knots just above their collar bones. " --does this mean they're changing into Rex? Are they still working at the factories? pg 6: "negotiate with the Del Reyes," --just realized I don't know anything about the political landscape yet. Are there corporately owned regions? Aurum seems aligned with the trading post, so is there some sort of government still? pg 8: "the asteroid to veer off course in the first place. It wasn’t supposed to hit, but it was as if the earth reached out for it." --Cool. I can't remember if we knew about the asteroid from forum discussions, or if it was mentioned in the story previously. Similar questions to aeromancer on how the physics work, but I didn't worry about it too much as I was reading. pg 9: The flip to impress a girl seems very juvenile--more than I would expect from Oz. Also, is he flipping on top of the bars? That's a lot more impressive than landing on a solid surface, but it's not clear from the writing. pg 11: re: makeout session. How long can normal people last in the open air? 10 minutes? 2 minutes? What happens? It's not very clear to me yet. pg 13: The Rex charging plays back into the question I asked above. How rational are the Rex? Mona got him up there somehow, and he's not actively attacking her or his son, so why does he attack Oz on sight? Anyway, great submission as usual. This one is a little slower than the past ones, and raises some good questions as we start to get into the meat of the story. Interested to see where it goes.

First up, yes I read the first chapter. It actually made me a little less interested in this story to start with, as I was not expecting to have enough time to get to know the characters, but you did a good job with this. I liked this submission a lot more than the first one. pg 1: "she had grown drinking " grown up pg 5: "Nakamoto began speaking" --repetitive as he then speaks. next line, "Nakamoto began stepping forward. " --he either steps or he doesn't pg 11: you never translate the Japanese. I get the gist of it, but I'd like to know what it meant exactly. pg 13: Kiyoshi/Nakamoto: Good reveal, but now I'm questioning things. How long have they been switched? Was Nakamoto still running things? How did Samantha develop a relationship if the real Nakamoto was still running things at that point? Wouldn't she have found out? Ok, despite my problems with the logic of the first plot twist, I really liked the end. I had to think back through to realize you never said what happened after she got shot.

Put me on the side of king, kaisa, and krystalynn. I was interested in the magic system, but having so much information on it between pg 2-4 felt like an info-dump. At this point, I'm not that interested in the specifics yet, because Moon hasn't actually used his immense powers for anything useful except floating up and down a big rock. I assume we'll get to that eventually, but I don't need to be told for three chapters "just wait, this is going to be awesome" before finally getting to it. I'm ready to get to it now. On the dialogue...yeah...not working. The excess of exclamations makes it sound like everyone is pretty young, and very overawed by how big and powerful Moon is. I said it last time, but it bears repeating. I'm not yet sure where this character can grow in this story. To be honest, I skimmed the last eight or so pages, because the (as king puts it) "tantrumly" dialogue was getting to me. Interested to see more of the story, but I felt like most of these two chapters didn't add a lot, as a whole.

Generally, I agree with kaisa on this. Good story, but several places that were vague and could be expanded. Notes: pg 1: "Her lieutenant" --partially weekly reader syndrome, but you haven't mentioned Saraphiel's name before now in this section. pg 2: sort of an ignominious end for Illiriel...Like kaise, I'd like to see more emotion from Sara on this. pg 3: "straight at the star" --which star is this? Might be forgetting from last time. And is this one of the host's spears? I assume outsiders are launching them? pg 4: rend-> rent also, have we heard of Nujll-Space before? pg 5: I assume the other stars here are the fallen? pg 8: so the Lord was hiding in the sun? Confused with the different sizes and scales again. pg 10: “And now you are. Care to reconsider now?” --repetition of "now" End of pg 12: repetition of "worms" a lot. pg 13: So did they kill Lucifer? Just like that? For the second most powerful being in the universe, there wasn't much fight. pg 15: shorning -> shearing? pg 16: Don't have a good visual of He Who Is Hate. How is he grabbing Sara when he's just a shadow? pg 17: "The body of a Fallen angel fell next to her" --Where did he come from? I thought it was hard to get into the singularity room? It's not Lucifer, because he got pulled out of the room? pg 17: "With a roar Uldomiel " --really no idea how he got there. pg 17: "The lesser outsiders vanished from the chamber" --There were others? I thought the room was empty to start with except for Sara and Lucifer. pg 19: second paragraph, lots of "pushed." Overall, the second half felt a lot rougher than the first half. I like the "secret history" of Lucifer and the abstract point where the universe was created, and the plan for the universe. However, that got me thinking... So at creation, the Lord excluded the outsiders but then fought against Lucifer...so were they all the same type of being to start with? Lucifer is going to make a "twisted universe," but I assume the outsiders are as well. Is one worse than the other? The last fight especially was confusing as to blocking. I thought the white room with the singularity was hard to get to, but then all sorts of people started popping in. Wasn't there some time travel thing that was going to happen right after the first submission? What happened with that? At the end, Sara is going to create a new universe. Is there any loss of energy from the Lord getting killed and his power sitting without a controller? I'm thinking in terms of entropy of the universe and things winding down. Surely there's less in the singularity now than when it was first used? Will it still keep the outsiders away?

Welcome back! I'm interested to see where this goes. I was taken out of the story a little by starting with the Stranger and the gentleman, and then going to Kaya's POV without much resolution to the scene, but I assume we'll be seeing them again. When she found the body, why didn't she just take the whole wallet? If it was a robbery and she took one of three licenses, no one would know anything was missing. If she took the whole wallet it would look more like a mugging and she would have more to work from. Pg 4: I didn't know she had another case until now. It takes the tension away from the dead body, since I have to divide my attention. If I know she had another case from the beginning, it wouldn't so surprising. pg 6: "somehow symmetric and angular" either it is, or it isn't. Overall, I'm interested in Kaya and why/how she hangs around with a talking raven and mouse. I'm not completely sucked into the story yet, as the plot hasn't really settled on one thing. There's a bit of jumping around in this first section, so I'm not sure where the story is going next.

Congrats!

This was...amusing. And not at all what I was expecting. But on to your questions. Speaking in quotations was alright, but does start to get a little old by the end. For something four times this long, it might end up more like Mad Libs than a story. However, as spieles notes, it does give the chance to make interesting asides, like the Virginia prize/street fighters. This definitely kept my interest, however. It's enough over the top and beyond that I wanted to see what absurdity came next. I think the voice was acceptable throughout. I almost felt like the story was being shouted by a 1930's serial movie narrator, but it was consistent. From the title at the top, I assumed the naked president in question was Washington. Only at the second page do we find out it's John Quincy Adams. However, I got immediately that the looming shadow was zombie George Washington. The wooden teeth confirmed it. I might have been tipped off more by going back to check after the Adams reveal. On the story itself, something like this doesn't need to be seamless, and I can take some infodumping, but I agree the setup is a bit lax. If you had any proof at all the that mole people were actually a threat, that would help. How did Mrs. Royall find out about them in the first place? Maybe that can help show how they are a threat. Oh, and I completely agree with Robinski on footnotes. I actually checked the end of the story first, before I realized they were links. I love footnotes, especially off-the-wall ones (Pratchett is the best at them, of course). It would take a lot more effort, but putting just a tidbit of that information you linked to as a footnote would make the story even more interesting, and maybe even teach people something! Looking forward to more. This reminds me a lot of Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next books.

I was also confused by the starpool. Not sure of the relation between that and the moon. On the blocking, I was having a hard time imagining angels turning into heavenly bodies and back. Were they still around the moon when this happened? At some point you're going to have problems with gravity. I was going to mention the comma splicing as well, but looks like it's been sufficiently covered. pg 15: "Literally, her stomach felt queasy. " --this felt like too much. I see that later this is a plot point, so you need to stress the feeling, but here it just felt like you were repeating yourself. Overall, I like the universe-sized theme and the references to angelic lore mixed with cthonic incursions. Bonus points for including Argus! Very interested to see where it ends up. I agree with kaisa that the prose could be cleaned and cut a little, which would give you some extra space to explore the angels some more. I was also very interested in the nightmare, before it turned out to be such. That would have taken this a completely different direction! Looking forward to next week!

Huh. Good to know what that is. I fall fairly far into the privileged white male bucket, so probably not for me.

pg 1: "not saying word" --a word pg 4: mmmm....cricket bars On Calgary/Oz: Most of it is fine, and I catch that Calgary's a father figure. The interchange on page 7 with the braids reads sort of strange to me. Don't know why. Maybe too familiar? Why would Oz try to put braids in Calgary's nose? Good worldbuilding in the test. I do actually want to know more about the world, but We're still early on, and I'm willing to wait to find out more. I know the basics, enough to follow the plot, but as aeromancer says, I am curious about what happened to the marine plants. That would really kill most things off. Are there animals left? Bacteria and such will be necessary to grow plants, as well as pollinating insects, unless they hand-fertilize. Now that you tell me you cut some with his friend leaving (I assume Penton?) I see where that's missing, but I didn't feel a hole there while reading. I was curious about Penton, but assume we will meet her when Oz starts his new job. Things not to cut: I like the warning signs about Mona - I assume bipolar? It does feel like a promise of something to happen though. I'd like to see it followed up later. Hayden has a good introduction. The scene in the junk room paints a good picture of both of them while they're talking. Again, I'm assuming this leads further. I already like Hayden as a character.

That's what I'm here for!

I think most everyone else covered what I was going to say, so I'll emphasize the points where you may need more volume of feedback. Action: First off, I really enjoyed this. I didn't have any problem with the amount of action--it kept my pulse up and kept me reading. By the time Oz and the Brides plunked down in the train I was ready for a breather, so that worked just fine. Gender: I was also thinking Oz was a girl (especially with the name "Oz" - thinking "Ozma") until you specifically mentioned he was a boy. Soda Machine: This also threw me out, thinking about weight and leverage. I think him pushing off the wall would be an awesome way to make this work better. Overall: I really got a Fallout/Mad Max vibe from the whole thing. The first action scene felt like I was playing Fallout, and the Brides made me think of Mad Max, though turned on their heads. Keep it up! I want to read more.

pg 2: "black hair feels mad at me" --This seems to imply that his hair has a mind of its own. Not knowing much about this person, I don't know if it's literal, or you're being poetic about his hair. pg 3: sounds like Moon/Hood is rather far along the autistic scale? He doesn't understand most human emotion? Either that or not human. Pg 4: order one before every twin moons -I would think he would remember this himself unless the event is very rare. -Also, the dialogue tag is in the wrong tense. It should be "replies" pg 5: I'm not sure what moon- or dark- wolves are or what the difference is, so I'm not sure of the threat level. pg 5: know Salane the best --really? It seems like he knows her mother better. pg 6: This fight really comes out of nowhere... pg 8: his hair's personality is starting to annoy me a bit. Either it needs to start emoting or stop talking. pg 10: moonwolf/darkwolf. Now you use both words interchangeably? pg 10: then the moonwolf just backs off. This drains away any tension that was building. pg 12: "I can be tricky when I want to be!" --unnecessary, and now he sounds pretentious. pg 15: X by moonlight: This goes on a little long. Overall: I liked the protagonist--he actually reminds me of John Cleaver a little in that he doesn't understand human behavior. I was also surprised he identified as human after all the build up. I felt there was a little too much "cheery banter" between Salane and Moon. It got tiresome after a while. Also tiresome was the hair. I get that it must be important somehow, but it dragged me out of the story every time it was mentioned. I do like the worldbuilding with the twin moons. I'm also hazy on the magic system so far. Not sure whether it will be hard, with rules, or more of a soft magic where things just happen. I do think Moon comes across as overpowered. So far nothing has even given him pause except maybe the most dangerous predator in the forest. I'm wondering where the character will grow, if this is his starting state. I'd be interested to read more--there was enough here to catch my attention even with some grammar and syntax flaws.

I also thought pure dialogue was not a problems. There was enough description in the list of problems that I could imagine the house and surroundings. I noticed several "well", "alright", and other unnecessary words that bogged down the conversation. I thought this was funny, with good wordplay, but it almost seemed a little forced--trying to come up with as many problems as possible. After a while, it starts to feel long, as if the joke is overplayed. I didn't get the feeling by the end that the madam was so frustrated she would scrap the whole party, so the ending came off a little abrupt to me. You could probably cut a few hundred words here and there and make it a lot snappier.

Good luck!

Notes above and comments below. I think everyone else caught the same things I did. pg 23: "and taught legs." --taut pg 23: "It seemed narrower in the low light. " --narrower than the last time they were out on it in the dark? pg 23: "Some fell under the blows and lay still, others stood up after wounds that would have slain them in the mortal realm, and then fled" --still don't understand this. So some "die" and some get back up? Is this the method of being found worthy or not? They just don't get back up? pg 24: "My favourite before Cresca lasted three sorties. I saw her go over the edge" --Eh? Edge of what? The bridge? So if they fall of they're fully dead? pg 25: "dusky-skinned" and "dusk" very close together pg 27: "He cast about but there was not commander." --no commander pg 28: "felling them in dozens as they fought back to their gates." --so do these just get back up and block the way again, or do they stay down and "dead?" pg 28: "What remained of Harth’s hundred laid whittled away at what was left of the horde." --laid? extra word? pg 31: "But she could not, and her eyes closed." --so I think this, finally, is my answer? When they move on, they act as if they are really dead. pg 32: "something about possums, and throwing them off the bridge" --eh? pg 32: "No-one he had spoken to was quite sure whether if those who fell returned or not. Some came back to face the next dusk without a clear recollection of how they had fallen on the field." --this would be useful earlier pg 34: "you cannot choose heaven, only the other place.” --this seems like new information. The end: --Not what I expected at all. I was very confused for a moment, then finally figured he was alive again. I guess he went back in time some? Seems almost like a cop-out to me. He avoided the decision he had to make by being placed on the bridge. And what happened to the Traveller? Honestly, I was entertained right up until then end, and then sort of felt cheated out of my promised ending. responding to other comments: --I didn't have a problem with "O high commander." --I thought it was well communicated that Magdi and Harth knew each other. However, that she secretly loved him, I was a little surprised at. --Enemy and the gates: I got that a few sneaked in through the broken door. --The Traveller is built up to a point where he needs to feature heavily in the resolution, though whether as a guide, an antagonist, or just as confused as Harth, I don't know. --It Was All A Dream: Nope. Don't buy it. See above comments. This robs the story of its potential. I think the others made the points that needed to be made on this. It breaks all your promises and comes as a shock. I'd rather see everything tied up in the afterlife (which I was invested in after 9000 words) and have Harth make the hard choice/guess where Magdi went and either follow her or choose the opposite, depending on who's going where. This also invalidates the question I had all along of how passing on works in this purgatory. I'd rather see a solid answer.

Seems the others have done a good job of hacking this to pieces so far. Overall, this flowed well. I read through most of it with no comments coming up. It held my attention, and I want to know what will happen in the second half. I do have those little nagging thoughts whenever someone gives a location around or near Heaven or Hell, just because I find it hard to visualize where exactly that would be. That said, I was actually alright with this interpretation because the location was given as the outskirts of Hell, but the plain seems to go on forever, implying it's more of an idea. Promises: 1) Who's on the other side of the bridge and why? --I think I read that the chasm was finite, and the bridge went over it. My engineer brain of course wonders why the enemy doesn't go around, with infinite time. 2) How/why are people deemed worthy or unworthy? --You say "lost," but it may actually be a good thing? Is there any difference to one who was worthy and one who was unworthy, or do they just disappear? No detail here. 3) Who is the Traveler? --I have a feeling this will be important...or at least it's built up that way. Notes: pg 3: “No, Harth that is not your destination today. The Creator has other plans for you.” --No, Harth, that (And other commas, which everyone else has already harped on) pg 5: “Each finds hope where they can. How can I show you when it takes everything I have to find my own?” --Blind leading the blind? pg 7-8 there's a lot of thinking going on here, which cuts into the tension of Harth getting to the bridge. pg 9: is 512 an important number? I wonder why it's "again." pg 9: "closer to Harth’s age" --I assume this is over 30, since he's been a soldier for a 25 years, but this could put him anywhere from 40 to 60. pg 15: "There was no fire in the afterlife it seemed, and the tunnel was dark." --I was confused here as to what tunnel. I looked back and saw mention of a passageway to the bridge, but I usually think of tunnels as longer. pg 17: good tension here, waiting for the enemy to get close enough. pg 18: "That’s not how it works, I gather. One only departs when deemed worthy, or unworthy.” “How many did we lose?” “Twenty-three, they’ll be replaced before dusk.” --So 23 were deemed worth or unworthy, since they can't die? pg 19: "He spared a passing through for the opposing commander." --thought?

Yay! Will this be some waifs? Or perhaps some strays?

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Straight on to the critique...lots of stuff in here. Note: I'm reading the section, then your description in the email. The Time of Men: --Interesting, but if this was the start of the book, I would find it a little overblown. I don't know that it actually adds any information I couldn't find out from an aside from a character in the middle of the story. You basically said the same thing in your description. If you're wondering where to put it, I would pare out the needed information and have a character show it somehow. Bedtime Story: --first PP: you change tense (there are -> that knew/all lived) --write out numbers --"needs repairing", or "needs to be repaired" --you switch POV from a narrator to Petra and Lusya. It's almost like a second beginning to the book vs. "The Time of Men." If Perta is telling the story, you might note that so the switch isn't so abrupt. --pg 5: "this was 3 of them ago": Awkward, and need to write out the number --pg 6: "extra details": Yes, this whole section seems like an infodump. I haven't seen any parts yet that deal with character building or plot. There's a little bit telling about the characters, but it's overshadowed by information I don't really need to know. --I like the hints of magic I see, but I don't know enough about it yet. The Prorochitsa Speaks: --several places with passive voice in this section. --Getting some hints of plot here. I like the setup with the oracle, and now we see the use the mother was talking about in the last section. This part was much more effective for me that the description above. Koroleva's Order: --not much here. I'm guessing this is a reaction to the message from the last section? Death of a Brother: --Good, but I want to see more of this. This section has the start of some good character building. The Mountain School: --"honey-coloured eyes": she can't see them, so probably wouldn't be describing them from her POV. (I also noted the UK spelling, which several others did as well). --This part seems disconnected from the rest. Is this on the same island, or somewhere different? --You note too many questions in your description. I agree. I would like to see more of this section to understand what's going on. Tora's Excavation: pg 13: "Tora never went on her excavations unprepared": you just *showed* us this in the last sentence. Don't need to *tell* us again. pg 14: "It was said...": This whole paragraph seems infodumpy pg 16: "Whenever she got into one of her lectures...": You've switched from Tora to Jace's POV, then back to Tora at the end of the PP --You note some of the POV shifts in your description. --This section has good characters. I feel the most connected so far to Tora out of anyone. Jace Recruits: --pg 17: "Undaunted...": There are some tense problems in this PP --pg 18: Tora is speaking strangely here. Is she doing a dialect? --Not a whole lot to this section. We see a little of the village and the way Jace and Tora are treated, but again, I would like to see this expanded. The Bear and the Child: --this section is completely different from the rest...Haven't seen any hint of intelligent animals so far. --Pg 20: more eye color description. Why? Is it important? --Oh, ok, this is the same girl from The Mountain School. --don't have a good sense of geography from these sections. I feel that Isra, Tora, and the islanders are all in vastly different regions. A Bite in the Deli: --The Palai/do'Elam stuff supports my thoughts about different regions. And we get some location placements. Good. --"Alls I know" - this is Midwestern US dialect, and should not be in the story unless the characters are also from there. --"Why would a simple street performer be so famous...": No idea, and the section ends here. I get the feeling this is going to tie into one of the other characters. Overall I can see glimmers of a story here, but obviously it needs to get stitched together. I like some of the glimpses of magic, and Tora seems like the strongest character you have. But I have no idea how the early sections tie into the rest of the story.