Mandamon

I go to sleep for a few hours, and this is what happens to the forum... @kaisa I'd be happy to be a CP! Glad everyone else cleared up what that was... ;-) I'll need a readthrough of my epic fantasy (not Dissolutionverse), whenever I actually get the edits done. @Robinski yeah, the art is amazing. To give you some context, I got to speak with Irene Gallo (art director for Tor) at WorldCon and she was familiar with the artist's work! (As in "oh yes, I'm sure he'll be doing a cover for Tor at some point" familiar).

Sure--I'm @wctracy I'll follow you back!

Thanks @kaisa! I'll let everyone know when it's fully released...still flailing at getting ebook illustrations to show up correctly. I may actually participate in some of the September ones as 1) I now have an active twitter account and 2) I'm getting back to revisions on my epic fantasy.

I know what you mean, Robinski! I'm getting to the same place myself. Especially the last few weeks, getting the latest book published, and going to Worldcon, I'm getting very behind. Merchants and Maji will be out this week, so hopefully things will calm down afterwards, but I'm not going to promise anything yet. Suffice to say, I may get to critiques this week, but probably a little later.

First off, Welcome to Reading Excuses! I see some others noted similarities to Sanderson. I caught a Stormlight Archives vibe myself. Notes while reading: Slow to start and a little too happy between the thieves. I'm interested in the fantastic elements, but not hooked yet. pg 3: "merchants to duel " --to dupe? pg 3: "Reginald's score " --She also calls him "dad" in this sentence. Does she think of him by name or by "dad?" pg 4: a little too much infodumping here. I'm already forgetting the names by the time you show what they do. It also seems really close to The Stormlight Archives magic system. pg 6: "time couldn't be spared" --very passive wording. pg 8: "No helmet obscured her face, but wearing any type would've been easy with her scarlet hair at neck length." --awkward sentence. pg 8 "It wouldn't be a surprise if he were humming." --also passive. pg 11: is Regi supposed to be Riley's father? Overall, it's an interesting start to a story. A little slow, and I think the tension could be punched up more, especially in the beginning. You could even start with the theft and learn about her parents later on. The magic system sounds good, but I feel like it's a rehash of Sanderson's. It might not be, but that's my impression so far. If you're going to keep up with a made-up name for each power, you're going to need to reiterate the connection. You told be once, but I don't remember which one does what. Especially since there seems to be more powers, this will be confusing later. Interested to see more!

Lasila's character: I have a similar reaction to Hobbit's. The first section shows Lasila as active, and striving to get ahead (though the contract seems to have dropped in her lap). Then in the second part, we find her deferring to Varinen. She comes across as a little divided, and still very passive in a society that will grind her down to nothing if she doesn't put immense effort into getting ahead. Notes while reading below (before I read your comments, so direct comparisons) pg 1: "She understates; " --This pulls me our of the story with the change to present tense. It feels too much like heavy-handed narration. Much better worldbuilding setup on the first page (from what I can remember) than the first time around. I've already got a better sense of the world than I did at chapter 6 or 7 last time. pg 3: better explanation of the social classes as well. I'm still a little lost on the titles without referring to the appendix, but we'll see how that goes. pg 4: "the affinities to heal wounds, to cure disease, they go hand in hand with working water." --good intro to magic. Either I missed this last time or it's new. I also notice a lot more mention of how their society is built around having wings, which I like. Overall, This seems like a much better start to the story. You have more hints of the plot, I have a much better sense of how the world is laid out, and you have the peace talks with the shudkathra coming in already. Lasila is more active, but I still feel like Varinen is more proactive, or at least has more of a set goal in what he's planning on doing. He's leaving in two weeks and might get killed. At the moment, I still don't know what Lasila wants, besides staying in her job and maybe getting some higher profile contracts to negotiate. Again, it's definitely better than it was; I just feel there could be a little extra pop in it for a first chapter hook.

Yep-this. I was going to write up something along these lines, but kaisa pretty much summed it up. The chapter is good, but it's not yet great. Notes while reading: There are a lot of adjectives on the first page pg 4: " am hiding in the mezzanine’s corner, elbows on the rail with my face buried in my hands " --weird jump here. Suddenly Hayden's there? I didn't get a sense of where Oz was heading before the break. pg 4: "they drug them with an Amanita imitator" --ok, explains the difference in behavior, but it seems a little hand-wavy that their first episode is psychotic, and then they're coldly rational. pg 5: "Walter Turner killed my father." --I'm not getting the emotional connection here that I should, either because of several versions, or WRS, or something. I did't really remember that Hayden's father killed Oz's father. pg 6: "I don’t know why the Rex take the lungs, though I can guess it’s for some research" --interesting. pg 6: "they’ll find a way to create female Rex. No one wants that" --well, except for the Rex and whatever percentage of the population they now represent...

Awesome! I've been getting in the art for Merchants and Maji this week, so I know what you mean.

Will do @kaisa, and I'll report back with anything cool I see (or writers/agents I meet...)

Just letting everyone know, I'll be out at WorldCon this Wed-Sun, so I may be sparse on critiques this week...

Agree with everything spieles said! This is pretty much what I've been saying the entire book.

Hmmm, I was similarly confused along with kaisa and Eagle on Savae's interview with Varael. I also did not enjoy the POV jumps, especially with the amount of name-dropping in this chapter. Mostly I had confusion in this chapter, though hopefully it will be fixed by the restructuring. pg 1: "They had no desire to waste the rest of this night with their voice raised up in a song of praise to a foreign god. : --much better reason to leave the party early than Lasila. pg 1: "The aelin had taken enough from their people" --From Savae's people? Might need a name clarifier here. pg 1: "Lilune's call to action" --have we met Lilune yet? "Lilune's bright face" --ah. got it. pg 2: As usual, I enjoy Savae's sections. Interested to learn more about the moon goddesses pg 2-4: Lasila's section here was interesting, despite not a lot happening. It did explain more of what was going on with the party. pg 4: so we know Alaeria, or am I forgetting something? Not sure where she fits into things. pg 3-4: I'm fairly confused with Savae's section. Not sure what's going on or why Alaeria and her baby matter. pg 5: Alphabet soup. I really don't remember all the names you're throwing out except for Eshrin and Maranthe. pg 7-8: I assume the earlier sections will help clear up what is going on here? I don't really know what the plot is. pg 8-9: Lasila's section is starting to get more interesting than Savae's, mainly because she's learning about magic now.

I didn't feel the chapters were too short. They each were a scene with a beginning, middle, and end, so it that respect you've succeeded. Where I'm having problems is that, although this is a fun journey so far, I don't have a good indication of what's happening yet. Especially for a 9-10 year old, you want to keep their attention with more conflict, or with a definite statement of what's going to happen. For example, if the cloud was a fairy queen instead of a clown, I'd say we were going the fairy route. If it resolved into a spaceship, then aliens. What does the clown signify? No idea. Note: these are just examples that occurred to me. You may have something totally appropriate and fitting to do with the clown cloud but at the moment I have no clue.

Kudos on doing such a thorough rewrite! I liked this a lot better because it immediately got me wondering what their world is like, rather than trying to compare it to various iterations of Abrahamic heaven. I agree with Alfa and kaisa that you'll need some more work on character sketches, since you don't have recognized personalities to build on, but this has a lot of potential. I liked the more direct confrontation between Octavian and Cronus (and I like mythology, so brother gods fighting already get me interested). The names...yeah, you could probably come up with more original ones, since now I'm thinking Roman and Greek mythology rather than Abrahamic. Like Krystalynn, It was hard to separate this from the first reading, so I'm sure I'm still influenced, but it's a good start! It will be a challenge to get all the new characters and describe the magic going forward. Two notes while reading: The first few paragraphs are a little adjective-heavy pg 4: "Each Devastator placed one hand on the edifice and another on their shoulder" -on their own shoulder, or on a neighbor's shoulder?

Good luck with the baby! Hope everything goes well. Not a lot of comments. From what I recall, the tension is higher, and I like the new (?) sparring match. There was less on the social differences, which I think worked better. pg 1: "two guards in City Security uniforms rush down the steps. " --There was a qestion about security showing up in the last chapter. Was there a change, or did these guys pop up from somewhere? I have the same question as Hayden - "Where were you?" pg 1: "Lahey grabs my jaw. " --Uh, no. I would knock his lights out and what I've seen of Oz so far, I think he would too. pg 2: "Lahey’s face flushes. “Our third called out sick, and Brides tryouts are tomorrow. We had our hands full—”" --Still not totally convinced. pg 3: "That’s just awesome coming from someone who’s supposed to be Hayden’s parent." --yep. Pretty harsh. I don't think we've learned much about that relationship yet? pg 3: “He tried to strangle me.” --You said you were changing the Rex from conditioned killers to more Darwinist survivalists. So does Calgary trying to strangle his son fit with that image? pg 6: "I’ll be able to hear you, you know.” --with the wrestling match, this brings a whole new light to this scene...

This cracks me up, @kaisa. Leave it to you to identify the growth zone, even in a kid's book ;-)

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I had similar reactions to kaisa and Krystalynn. I didn't tag the lack of tension particularly, as this seems like a "wonder" story, but I think it might need a dose of some tension or hint of where the story is going (aliens? wizards? fairies?). I had sort of the opposite reaction to the above critiques on Sira's age. I was thinking more that this is a mid-grade book, and less that she's 12. I really liked the imagination feel, and thought there were several places where she used words or phrases that were too old. Maybe she just needs to be younger? Title: Not completely sold. It mainly makes we want to ask, "is it also blue below the clouds?" I'll think on it again after I read. Edit: nope, still not sold after reading. Maybe something like "The room under the moss" or "beneath the forest" or "Blue sky, green forest." I don't see any connection yet to the sky, except for the creepy clown cloud. pg 1: "As she strode farther away from the farmhouse, something in the evening sky caught the girl’s eye and she stopped." --I'd put Sira's name on the first line. Makes a better connection with the reader. pg 1: "But then she saw, in the clown’s otherwise blank face, a sly grin, and an eerie feeling settled over her" --saw on her phone, or in the sky? pg 1: "wonderfully-cursed" --don't think you need a hyphen here. pg 2: I love the pretending. Makes Sira very real. pg 3: "Before her, was a squirrel." --I think this is overlong, and takes away some of the surprise. Maybe just "it was a squirrel" pg 3: "farther from the farm she’d left behind—just as she hoped it would." --why? I haven't seen any sign so far that she's running away from anything. pg 4: "plant grew with the moisture." --for mid-grade, maybe use something simpler that moisture. Chapter 1 end: Good hook of following the unnatural moss. I would have like a little more explanation on Sira, though. Why is she out playing? Why does she want to move away from the house? Not a lot, but a couple more hints to draw me in. pg 5: "Because the river cut a gap through the trees," --is this the first mention of a river? Suddenly it's there, with no mention before. pg 5: "Instantly, before her thoughts could protest, Sira unlatched the chain, ran to the log bridge, and hurled the necklace over the river and onto the bank on the other side. Now you have to go." --Cool. Chapter 2 end: "She saw it now. There was a room below her." --Cool. I'm hooked to read on. Some good backstory woven into this chapter. I'm starting to like Sira more. pg 8: "biting down through her lips." --maybe not 'through' Chapter 3 end: I love the description of the room under the ground. I used to imagine things like this when I was growing up, playing in the back yard. pg 10: "agonizing minute to recover from shock" --I didn't get that she was shocked. Excited, maybe. pg 10: "Martian’s toolbox" --At this point, I'm thinking fairy toolbox, not martian. pg 11: "But what in the world is it for? Writing? Surgery? War?" --I don't know if words that specific would occur to a 12 year old. Maybe "fixing things" or "fighting" pg 11: "The glass bubbles above were dark and she couldn’t risk staying any longer" --why? So why didn't she take everything in the box? Why leave what seems like the most powerful tool--the wand--and instead take the costume? Overall, I enjoyed this quite a bit. Looking forward to more!

Yes, I think that's it. Maybe it's juxtaposed with the birth of a goddess so it gets lost in the anticipation of the spectacle?

Actually, I reported it, based on comments between me, krystalynn, and Robinski. All of us thought it was too harsh. I think the critique and thought behind the post was good, but the method of delivery was poor, especially targeting someone brand new to the group, thus my 07/26 post.

I agree with krystalynn. This was very well done. General comments: pg 2: "(something that still occupied scientists, apparently) " --I got this, but I had to read it a couple times. pg 3: very nice. I like that Grimes is experiencing something completely different behind his smile than what Moth thought. pg 3: "Toni’s father always had liked a mystery. Clearly, the kid had not fallen far from the Fantano tree." --missed what this referred to. pg 3: "wasn’t looking forward to meeting Fantano." --ok, some more explanation for the above. pg 4: "A muffled curse brought him back to the here and now." --I like how you've "included" all Moth's foul language without actually swearing. Quirk before and after: Definitely the most enjoyable personality you're writing. Not much to say about the plot per se., but I want to read more and see what he does. Moth before and after: before is sort of a relief to find out why she was out there in the first place. "funky future ice cream tech " - Dippin Dots, I assume. "near miss with Quick" - Quirk?

Looks like I have similar thoughts (below) to kaisa about Lasila. I don't have a problem with her being unlikeable, I'm just bored by her sitting around. I think maybe if you tell (gasp) rather than show some of the things in the first couple chapters just to set up her situation, it will be just as clear. I can hear that someone needs to watch their money flow without listening to how they cut out coupons to go to five different stores to get basic needs. Thoughts on Lasila's storyline: I've actually been enjoying it for the last two or three chapters, and that's mainly because Lasila is "protagging," to use Howard's phrase. There is a lot of setup at the beginning, but rather than being setup on worldbuilding or plot, it's all about Lasila doing mundane things. It's not even particularly characterization, because I think I've learned more about her from the last few chapters than from the beginning 5 or 6. From what I remember (what sticks with me, that is), it largely consists of Lasila getting water, and going to the bank, and trying on clothes, an thinking about finances. it's just not interesting compared with, say, an orgy and the birth of a goddess! I think those first chapters also degrade this one a bit, because there was the chance to set up a lot more magic and worldbuilding to be concrete in the reader's mind (WRS or not, if it's interesting, I'm going to remember it better). This latest chapter was really cool, but I was confused for about half of it because I either didn't remember or didn't have the necessary background from the previous chapters. Lasila hasn't been directly encountering/learning about it, so I didn't either. Notes as I read: pg 1: uh...sorry to say, but the first paragraph is about the most boring description of sex I've heard. For good examples of a sex scene without any graphics, I refer you to Mary's Glamourist Histories. Also her April Fool's novellette, though that one is a bit more racy. pg 1: "guests are called to attend the goddess' rising" --been looking forward to this! pg 1: "No, like that is fine." --word missing? pg 1: "left her slip and corset on " --how did she breathe? Or move... pg 1: "Lasila wanted to sing" --Eh? Why? I haven't seen any other sign of Lasila wanting to sing previously pg 2: "Moonlight caught on her hands, staining one red, the other white" --Why? Stained glass? pg 2: "As unlike the old goddess as could be" --how? I don't remember a description of the old goddess. pg 3: "This, Lasila realized, was not on the script" --A little confusion. Is there a script for birthing a goddess? I would imagine each one would have their own personality and wants. pg 3: "steal my sister's show" --there's another goddess? pg 3: "extending a hand up to the now-masked figure...His wings were as full as hers" --confused again. The goddess was talking about her sister, and now there's another god? A brother? pg 4: "how much as been lost " --has pg 4: "And the god stepped back and knelt down exactly as the other guests;" --Now that things seem to be going back to normal, I'm going to take a moment to make an aside. I'm confused. The whole scene is very beautiful, and I know it's supposed to be confusing to the characters, and we don't necessarily know who the new god is, but I'm also confused about how the whole god/goddess thing works. Might be some WRS, but I can't remember what benefit exactly the goddess gives to the community (and there are sister goddesses, maybe?). I feel like there may have been some explanation for this near the beginning, but with all that's happened, even reading straight through, I feel a little bit of a reminder might be in order. pg 4: "running behind schedule" --this is partly why I'm confused. There's a schedule. These people have done this enough to know the order and what happens next. But I don't have any clue, and so I feel like I've missed something. pg 5, bottom: This section is much more sensual that the actual sex scene at the beginning. pg 6: "Not that she minded right;" --missing word? Honestly, I almost skimmed the last couple pages with all the goodbyes. After the tension of a goddess (and god) being born, it doesn't really stand up. Also, everyone just leaves after? I would assume there would be more partying after the goddess is born.

Yeah--agree with kaisa. I don't have much to say about this chapter because it works so well. I also didn't think about guards because I wanted to see what would happen. Maybe they see a nurse or something in a corridor and avoid them? pg 1: the exchange with Brick being reluctant to give info is much better. Makes Oz proactive. pg 3-4: much better intro for Dion as well. I'm interested to find out more about him, rather than being mildly annoyed about him hitting on a girl. pg 4: "MY CLEANING BOT DID NOTHING TO YOU." --lol The ending is much better. Things are moving forward fast. Now Oz has incentive to also find a cure...

I think this was one of the better chapters I've read, simply because things happen, Lasila protags, and we start to find out more about the plot. Looking back, I'm not sure I would have given it 9 chapters to get to this point, though. I'm with kaisa that I feel a lot less engagement with Lasila than I do with Savae, Maranthe, or even Irahi. I also noted the coerced (?) kiss. Lasila does seem to change drastically in character after that point. I like the new forwardness. It gets things done and moves the plot. On magic, I would disagree that it's WRS at this point. We may have seen a couple examples of magic, but I have no idea what, if any, rules there are to it or how it's organized. Notes while reading: pg 2: "Oh, she knew exactly where Maranthe was going with this" --had to read this a few times to follow Lasila's logic. I'm guessing she means Maranthe wants to train her? Is there a school of magic? We haven't really seen anything about it yet, so I don't know what to expect. "I ask you once. Do you consent to learn it?"" --ok, this is a lot clearer. pg 3: "Something strange in that last bit. Lasila closed her eyes and took a breath. "Do we have unknown gods?" --interesting pg 3: not sure how I feel about the kiss. It seems wholly disconnected from the rest of the conversation. pg 4: "facing-- for once--" --what does this mean? She's been facing a lot of people recently. pg 4: "This time, she led." --As opposed to? Also, where are they they they can dance? I was imagining her in some corridor somewhere. pg 6: Good to hear some more information about what's actually happening in the war. Makes things a lot more concrete.

Overall, this was a lot better this time around. Things are explained better, and I think Hellas' personality works better as well. Still needs work in the mythos area, as kaisa and Robinski have said, and I'm not sold on how the angels think they're punishing Hellas. I'll also back kaisa up on the gender differences here. Now when I write, I look through my story and say "does this character need to be male?" (or female, but usually male) if not, I'll mess around with gender, change it back and forth to see which works better in the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: "he quipped" --probably overkill with the pithy remarks. Could change this to "said" pg 1: "His smile faded slightly and the amused twinkle in his eyes faded." --repeated word pg 2: (A/B) I like the new information upfront about the angels, especially the better information about Elohim and how created the angels. However, It goes on a bit too long and pushes over into infodumpy territory, so it can probably be cut down. pg 3: "hay scattered over the rough cobblestones. " --(D) still not buying that they use hay and cobblestones in prison with all the high techy buildings up above. pg 3: (A) I like the introduction of the PTSD (?) pg 5: (D) On the bottom half of the page, the snark might be turned up too high. Unless Hellas can get away with no consequences at all.--I guess he knew he would be exiled? pg 6, top: "prepared to leave" repeated pg 6: (D) Hellas seems awfully glib about being exiled for a year. Did he know it was coming? It doesn't seem to be a big punishment, even if they authorities think so. pg 7: "‘He bet that he could defeat our combat instructor in hand-to-hand combat.’ Catherine’s smirk widened. ‘He beat you so black and blue you couldn’t sit down for a week.’ ‘Ha,’ Michael guffawed. ‘I’d have paid to see that.’" --(C) Hellas beat Michael? Micheal would have paid to see it? pg 7: "None of them could understand why the Assembly mistreated him" --(C/D) yeah, me either. Were the list of charges false? Now I'm not sure what happened back there. pg 8: "incredible energy" --Vague. Why is it incredible? The type of energy? The amount? How does it look? pg 8: "‘I guess there are perks to being banished,’" --(D) yeah, not understanding the angel's stigma about being banished. Seems like a vacation to me. pg 9: "They started to crack violently" --(C) Not sure what this means. pg 9: "demigod, or “Mor’kai" --(C?) Not sure where demigod falls in relation to angels and Elohim pg 10: (A) I like the dryads. pg 10: "‘So, how long is it this time?’" --ok, this explains some of the lack of response at his sentence, but I would have thought they would have come up with a harsher sentence if it was clear this one was not working.

Just a reminder for everyone to keep to constructive criticism. Critique the story, not the writer. We're all trying to get better here.