Mandamon

Thanks for the tip, @kais! Just filled mine out. Now to go catch a plane!

I'll try to keep up with this as I can (since I'm leaving for California tomorrow), but @Silk has some good points. Plus, I'm going to be on some panels at WorldCon 2018, which hopefully should grease the wheels for me being on panels next year. They'll have a table for Dublin at this WorldCon, so I'll make sure to drop by, and see if I can talk to them about our group and what we'd like to do.

Hope things are going better for you! A quick read, and sheds some light on things. First, though, where is C? I thought she was with J? Second, P is making a lot of unsubstantiated claims. I feel like he's using some gullibility power on J, because his claims don't make a lot of sense and he's obviously creepy. Maybe some more reaction from J, or at least mental questioning? Notes while reading. pg 93: "You came seeking aid for your family," --I see a nice connection here with the beginning of the story. pg 93: "Her race have followed a different path," --Have-> has, and also I'd maybe steer away from discussions of race. Maybe substitute "people?" pg 94: "The wild and dangerous creatures" --I'm not quite getting how the creatures are a danger to W. The adepts would have to invade, and bring bones of the creatures with them. And as far as I remember, there was no threat of invasion. pg 95: "C’s power is difficult to master, but having tasted it once I believe that you will have much more success a second time." --But it's not C's power, is it? It's the power of animals that happen to also be found in the place where C was born.

This is definitely shaping up, and I'm really starting to enjoy the story. Looking forward to more! I like the inclusion of Bacon. they help to drop plot-specific information without things feeling info-dumpy. There are still lots of typos, and I know this is the rough draft, but sometimes there were enough to make comprehension hard in sections. Notes while reading: pg 59: I read the first few paragraphs thinking "Al" was "AI" and was very confused when the "AI" said they couldn't fly the ship. Hopefully not a problem if I had read the previous changes. pg 59: "black energy-absorbing vest" --Like laser weapon proof? Or just very black? pg 61: "The void that forms to my left indicates someone died, bleeds into the gloom and makes it a little heavy" --This sentence is awkward. pg 62: Good tension on the fight with the cockroach thing. Reminds me of Men in Black... pg 64: hm...so more tension in this section, but ultimately, it's still just D. walking (through dangerous terrain), pausing because the fuel is not available, then walking back. Does this serve a plot or worldbuilding point? We know already that Oomph-users are persecuted. (EDIT: I see above you say it sets something up. Noted.) pg 65: "Fake breast saving my head from slamming into his bony sternum" --Ah, I didn't catch before that Z was going full drag queen, just that he liked wearing dresses, etc. Maybe some more description about the characters would help? pg 70: "The closer to the city we get, the heavier the traffic in the sky lane." --I'd like some more description in here, too. How close are they to the ground? What is the planet like? How many ships are there? etc... pg 72: "one of them is wearing a patched up yellow coat." --ok, so I'm hoping this connects back to D's outing earlier. pg 73: "Usually, I prefer to appear wholly in between genders..." --This is a cool paragraph, especially for someone like me who doesn't have as much experience with this. I like the description of how gender is hidden. This also starts to get into D's head, which has been lacking sometimes. pg 74: "The medbot has done all it can" --Is there more interaction with Bacon and the medbot in this version? (Now I'm wondering about AI's interactions when humans aren't around) pg 76: "Maybe if we make it to wildspace, I won’t take suppressant." --Good last line, and I'm glad to see D experience the difference between being suppressed and not.

Your very liminal messaging at the end there convinced me... Yesssss....

I think there's still a bit of confusion going into this from last time, so it took me a few pages to catch back up. There's still very little information on what happened, so I'm having trouble drawing conclusions. The part in the cellar felt slow to me, mostly because I've never been on board with J+C. I need some more emotion here to make it work. After that, it picked up a bit, and the ending is surprising, but not yet inevitable. I think with some more work on the beginning, it could be very good. Notes while reading: pg 79: "I… was caught in library" --still don't know if J remembers what happened. Also, missing a word. Also also, isn't anyone chasing him? pg 79: "This place at high doh " --?? pg 80: "But what if I had another attack?" --so he does remember? I need some emotional context to know what he feels about it past just "What if I killed someone." Was there any physical change? Does he feel different at all? Was he in control at all? pg 80: "Perhaps the incident would be put down to and angry tenant" --didn't they see him? I still don't understand why there isn't a horde of people running after them. pg 80: "our former fellow inmate point." --pointed pg 81: "Heads turned and startled or angry faces tracked us" --didn't anyone try to stop them? pg 81: "heard the contact of metal and pictured the mechanism. I knew what each tiny sound meant." --Eh? Is this a power or J's natural skill? Also, can you pick a lock with a belt buckle? pg 82: "Before my last awareness ran dry" --ah, so it was magic. I'm not fully on board with "awareness" doing this. Maybe a little more explanation? pg 82: "Lying to her " --how much does he remember? pg 83: “Will she do right by us?” --who? D? pg 84: Still not getting the connection between J and C. I think the chemistry's just off to me. pg 85: "Can we just get through this?" --get through what? It feels like they had a big argument and I just missed it. pg 85: "but with nothing better to do I had been mulling on this for long minutes, and had reached a point where I was done with her." --Yet we've been told nothing of this until now. pg 86: "it was a long, long time since my performance" --does this matter? pg 86: "popped it open" --the door, the belt, or his awareness? If the door, how does his awareness help that? --also, I didn't get that this cellar connected to the kitchen. pg 86: "My hump bumped a table" --hip? pg 87: "My awareness fed me nothing" --he still has that on? How long does it last? pg 88: "Awareness would not penetrate this" --why? I still don't have a good grasp on how awareness works. pg 88: "drew on heat" --how many reserves does he have and where did he get them? WRS? pg 88: "P. stood up from the desk" --ok, that's cool. pg 89: "private army of casters?" --Do what now? Did we know this? pg 89: "what human marrow might do" --aha...so now we know. pg 91: So the last line means C has been holding out??

>>> >>> >>> !! Lol...

Ah. well then you have succeeded! I just wasn't...expecting that to be the point? I mean who roots for the trolls?

Is the voice consistent? --Yes, reads like an instruction manual. Did it make you laugh? --not...really. Made me a little uncomfortable thinking anyone might try out these tactics (I don't know who would actually do that, but who knows) Where are they typos and missing words? --Noted below What could I do to make it better? --I think more whimsy about hunting trolls would be better and less specific instructions about how to engage trolls. I think what's getting to me is that the "role model" in these instructions (the fairy) is the one with the poor internet etiquette, so it sort of spoils the point of the satire, to me, especially if you are trying to call out poor behavior. In fact, I just realized the trolls are technically not shown doing anything wrong! I think the politics are relatively neutral, though. Notes while reading: pg 1: "addresses (The Snowflake Fairy Guide " --See the Snowflake...missing a word. pg 1: "reveal the beings " --reveal the being's pg 2: I know this is satire, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with instructions to: "Engage in a debate with every one of them. Do not be afraid to escalate the argument by calling them names and using annoying eomjis" (emojis misspelled) and "make similar posts every day, some tame, others more extreme" it just sort of begs for people to be idiots. Same with "attend protests in public while wearing your human disguise. Tweet your plans to attend, and post plenty of image tweets while you are there" "amount" -> "number"

@Robinski great idea! They're probably not soliciting panels yet, since this year's WorldCon hasn't happened yet (and especially including the schedule fiasco that just happened). However, I think this is a great idea--I haven't seen a lot of panels on critique groups, and especially not ones that have been around for 10 years! Definitely need to include some POC on the panel as voices--otherwise it's 3 white people talking about diversity, which can lead to eye-rolls (and worse), but I really like the idea.

First, welcome back! Second, I see your enthusiasm in your comments above, and you're probably not going to like what I'm about to say... I think the story is actually very enjoyable at heart, but you need to dump all but the very essence of the game. Show us what the characters are feeling instead. You could still have a brief discussion of the rules, but it really doesn't matter what they're playing. They could be picking a high card, or playing poker, or the most complex game in existence. What matters is what the characters are doing. I skimmed most of the middle section, simply because it was all die rolls, and I didn't have any stake in trying to learn a game. However, I am very interested in these two individuals who can manipulate luck, and that gets almost no time in the story. In fact, you set this up as the big reveal, but it falls flat because we don't know enough about it to be surprised. Are magic powers common here? is it magic? Technology? There's a fairly strong Star Wars vibe, so it could be either. Anyway, as I said, I see a good core of a story here, but it needs a lot more focus on bringing out the interesting characters you've already created, and a lot less on the game they're playing. Oh, and this reads like a short story. This is a book? It seemed to have a pretty definite arc and end. Notes while reading: pg 1: a bit too much infodump in the first paragraph. You can probably dole out the mission slower, to keep up the interest. pg 1: in fact, the whole page, while amusing, is a bit of a maid-and-butler pg 4 “You want a water-resistant pocket?” --you could put them on the inside... pg 4: "A wretched hive of scum and villainy indeed." --er, yeah. I was already getting a "Solo" vibe from this, but this part might be a little too on-the-nose, especially with mentions of "Imperial." This could easily be a Star Wars fan fiction. pg 4: "I would really like to destroy this place" --Wait, why? There's a description of how, but no reason why. pg 8: "You’re the legendary Lady Luck, and the owner of this casino..." --This infodump is unnecessary. We've already guessed who she is, and there's no reason to do a silted introduction. pg 10: I'm noticing a lot of over-explanation and telling, rather than showing. pg 11: "I know what you want." --yet I have no idea, and it's starting to bog down the story. Why are any of them here and what are they doing? pg 12: I feel like the explanation of the game detracts from the story. I want to read, not add die rolls. It doesn't really matter what they play. It's about the emotion between the players. pg 13: I skimmed most of this page because it's just statistics. How did the players feel? pg 17: still skimming a lot to this point. The conversation between B. and F. was good at setting the tone, but a lot of the rest is a blow-by-blow that doesn't add tension. pg 17: "The ability to manipulate dice didn’t free one from a gambling addiction, it seemed." --Wait, so A can manipulate luck? That's a big thing and it's not even covered. pg 20: "J. can manipulate a die roll.” --I feel like you need a significant portion of the story devoted to this instead of number-crunching. pg 20: “Because I’m the one the Director appointed in charge of this team.” --Not a very auspicious end to this chapter. I'd prefer a zinger instead of this obvious statement.

Sounds great!

This section read well to me. I didn't find a whole lot wrong, but as @Robinski says, you could probably take some time to bring characters out of their thoughts and focus more on the interplay of emotions. You tend to rush from one plot point to the next, and I'm fine with staying a little longer to get more emotional impact out of a scene. Going along with that, I though the section with D wandering the abandoned houses dragged a lot, even though it was only a page or so. This was pure introspection, and then we don't even get to see what's going on in the warehouse. D just tells the others what happened. You could either expand or delete this scene, but at the moment, it's dragging the rest of the section down, to me. I also thought the section where Z suggests working the show needs to be fleshed out. As is, it sort of drops everything to go to the next scene, without resolving what the others thought of his suggestion. Notes while reading: pg 36: "my unknown father is plotting some kind of coup" --er, did we know this? I think I'm still hazy on how the father figures in, but might also be WRS. pg 35: "galley we haven’t explored." --missing a quote (I know these are hard to find) pg 40 "I owe him enough already" -R or Z? pg 41: "“There is plenty to do here if we need to stick around and stock up" --who's saying this? pg 42: "“Working?” I ask." --I'm confused too, and it looks like this doesn't get an answer in the next few paragraphs. pg 43: starting to lose tension here. I'm not sure why the MC is wandering through an abandoned neighborhood. pg 45: ok, back on track here, but I wonder if you could either expand or delete the section with wandering around the abandoned buildings. We don't really get any tension out of it, since MC uses oomph and doesn't get close enough to actually see anything.

It's great to have your perspective, @shatteredsmooth. This is the only real critique group I've been in (though it's been for 6 years) and I do get discouraged that we lose members, and good writers, so often. However, the more I hear from other writers about critique groups that fall apart, even face to face ones, makes me very appreciative of the group we have here! I definitely credit this group with helping my writing grow as much as it has.

Well, definitely a more exciting entry! The stakes were not particularly high at the beginning of this section, but it got a lot tenser throughout. I thought the recital was very well done, but was confused about what happened at the end, and J's lack of reaction to his change. Also, am I forgetting that he has memory problems, or is that something new you've added? My main issues were that we didn't get any information from J during the rampage. I would think he would have some reaction as to whether he known something is wrong, or is completely caught up in things. Notes while reading: pg 67: "Of course I had played to bigger crowds in the markets of H" --I thought he hadn't played before in the story, then remembered him playing a little in the market, so I went back and looked. There's not a lot of concrete description of him playing, which may be why I was misremembering. Maybe some concrete audio or touch details would help out? pg 68: "This was real..." --This whole paragraph sets out the stakes, but they're just not very high. Basically, "I have to play an instrument and not think bad things about this guy." Not too much of a challenge. pg 68: "I dismissed half immediately" --took me a second read to figure out what he was talking about. Maybe "dismissed half of the songs immediately." pg 69: "C and a need to make her proud, to show her that I could be relied upon." --relied upon to...play an instrument? This goes with the stakes above. You're setting up the challenge as playing an instrument, not robbing a house. pg 69: Re. the fake name: I looked back to see if this was the name he gave the kids, and discovered it was the name of one of the other gardeners, who I'd completely forgotten about. Maybe a note that he borrowed the name from X individual? pg 69: "as if the holes in my memory " --Wait, what? Did I miss something? pg 70-72: The recital and J's inspiration to get a house tour is very good. I think this helps the plot along a lot and gets over the hiccup of getting away to steal the information. pg 72: "The lady explained this or that painting" --this is the mother, right, not the child? pg 74: "At the same time, a wave of pain drenched my mind." --is this memory thing new? I don't (ha) remember it. pg 74: "A primal roar filled my throat and burst from me" --okaaaaay.... pg 76: "I roared with abandon at putting my foe down" --So I'm guessing this is something caused by the tiger bones, but there's a sort of hand-wavy bit because you aren't telling us J's thoughts on the matter. He hasn't given any indication this isn't a normal thing, or what he remembers. pg 77: Well, that's an exciting ending, but I'm completely confused as to what happened!

Overall, I enjoyed this submission. The dialogue is fairly stilted, especially in the longer conversations, but the plot is progressing. I had some issues with the setting and worldbuilding below, but the main character's choices feel real. I would like a little something more at the end. It sounds like he's just going to ignore A's reasoning about buying the trunk, and with a bum leg, that seems like a really bad idea. Some sort of rationalization from his POV would help. Notes while reading" pg 2: "I saw W hobble over to T’s place wearing a pink lacy bra. I made a mental note of the event for latter taunting material." --careful with this. Are you saying they're gay and that's worthy of taunting? or that W crossdresses and that's worthy of taunting? Or what? pg 2: "The cold winter wind blew against my slick skin and sent shivers down my spine. Even though it was uncharacteristically hot" --There's a cold wind, but it's hot? pg 3: "He was always a nice man, but now it was different." --But A's treated him before, right? I didn't get a feeling of their relationship changing last chapter, but maybe I missed something. pg 3: "the thought of them reopening was a pressing fear" --show this. pg 3: "The great oddity was they were relatively normal" --I mean, two farmers caring for animals is not that strange. pg 4: "gripping the roof " --what roof? pg 4: "Something screamed and I saw something white dart away." --repetition of "something" makes this very vague. pg 4: "looked at me with a befuddled look." --repetition again. Also, why is she befuddled? pg 4: "Trash Island wasn't known for its population of women and despite Margaret's age, many talked of her beauty" --first, why? Can women not pick up trash? Second, this is a lot of male gaze. This is the first female we've encountered. Is there a reason why? pg 5: "eying us oddly" --again, why? pg 7: "My brain twisted as he said the foreign words" --He's known A for a while. I would think he's heard some Arabic before. pg 8: "I don’t think I've even seen a sheep outside of some pictures on the net." --but he saw a goat today. Does Don not have sheep too? pg 9: "and substitute almonds" --like fake almonds? What are these? pg 9: "I heard all the pine trees died off decades ago " --Pine trees will grow just about anywhere, and like acidic soil. pg 9: "They were made from soy and hardened until crunchy." --Ah. Ok. This seems...like a lot of effort for nuts. If they could grow hydroponic zucchini, then what about nut trees? pg 12: "I bet you could be pulling in three times what you do.” --is he just laying around now? I thought he spent a lot of time searching for components?

This was a decent section--more character building than plot. It does make things slow down a bit, though. I was expecting to get to him playing the instrument in this section. I think it holds the interest, unfolds the background, and entertains, but I don't feel like it adds much tension, and progressing events is honestly a little shaky as well. I'm still not on board with J and C's relationship. It might just be me, but I don't get a real sense of attraction between the two. It seems defined more in "I shouldn't be feeling X" rather than "I am feeling X." Notes while reading: pg 55: "I didn’t feel anything in particular, " --this is still sort of a letdown with the tiger bones. Right now we have no confirmation they do anything. pg 56: "“Your secret’s safe" --nice little character building for P pg 58: Good adjustment for C. At least we know a little more about her now. pg 62: better chemistry here with J and C, but I still don't completely buy the two of them. What is it that attracts them? Why? Maybe it's just me... pg 64: "Whether through adeptness or just plain old memory" --still not very thrilling, unless the tiger bones are fake or soemthing and not working at all. pg 64: “Not you,” --why not? the man seems to accept J right after. --Or does he mean J shouldn't go with the others? Regardless, it's unclear. pg 66: “Bring your instrument. We’re going to the salon.” --so why did he accept the invitation to play in the first place, again? I still don't see how he's going to slip away from an audience of 30 people. Seems like they will escort him out just like they escorted him in.

I think you can go a lot further in your descriptions, if you wish. On the other hand, you don't even have to do that. Mainly I want more reaction. You can have the main character gasp in pain as A does something to his leg. You can have him look away and clutch the arm of the chair in a death-grip. You can have him close his eyes so he doesn't have to see what accompanies the painful punctures in his leg. All these tell us what's happening, without being graphic.

In all this was a quick and easy read. Technically speaking, the main thing I noticed was A's metaphors need a little work. Right now they're just confusing. Is this the phrasing you're referring to? The story A tells, while interesting, doesn't have a lot to do with the plot so far. I'm wondering what significance the box has, but that sort of slipped out of the plot for the moment. This wavers between a dystopian story taking place after events which are playing out today, and a cautionary tale specifically about events happening now. Calling them out in the plot starts to sound "preachy," and besides, events are changing far too fast at the moment. This story could be complete fantasy, or complete truth in six months. I think the world presented here is interesting, but I don't know if we need to know so many small details about how it got there. I'd rather see the story of the characters, unless that's not what you're going for. To sum up, I'm sort of confused where the plot is going. I'd also like some more reaction from the main character to having his leg sutured without anesthetic (as far as I could tell) Notes while reading: pg 7: “All the way down. Hurry now, I’m hungry,” he said" --I don't think this reads as you intended... pg 7: "few bricks shy of a load to aim" --this expression doesn't work here pg 7: "how you can walk around without dragging your face on the ground" --and this just doesn't even make sense. pg 8: "“I’m sorry to say that the worst has yet to come." --the worst IS yet to come...A needs to work on his sayings, or is this intentional? pg 11: "I tried to let him focus in silence as he worked" --would be good to see some more reaction as I assume he's in a lot of pain, I assume. pg 11: "bullets were laid to rest" --?? pg 11: "watched his body disintegrate into the light" --if A was that close, he would have disintegrated too.

@Jorville in that case, I would either add more words and make this into a novel, or cut out a whole lot of the beginning to get to the main thrust of the story faster. Speed-wise, this reads like a novel, not a novella.

Quick answer is definitely yes, but in your case, I don't know if I have enough information. How long is it currently and how much have we read of it? That will give me a better estimation.

Very apropos!

This one was a bit rougher, mainly in prose and blocking, and where everything was going. There were several times I was confused just because the wording was vague. I'm also put off by J robbing the pet cemetery, and really, why it's even there in a culture like this. Seems like people would have a different relationship with pets if some fraction of them can suck their bones and start flying, or whatever... Also, might be WRS, as that seemed to hit hard today, but how exactly does J playing for children help steal the information? I thought he was just going to sneak in, and now he would be surrounded by children. Notes while reading: pg 41: "including C’s band" --probably WRS, but how is C's band there when J just jumped down from the moving wagon? pg 41: "The rest of you remain here and Master I here " --repeated "here" pg 42: "P’s suddenly familiar voice rang out." --it's not sudden if J's alreayd relaized he's familiar pg 43: J not telling the others about recognizing P seems a bit plotful, but I'll accept it for now...there's not a whole lot of likelyhood of gardners meeting the manor's owner. pg 44: "Was I still planning to hold out on them with the take" --wait, was he? WRS? And if so, then why is he hurt by her disbelieving him? pg 45: "The short man associated with floral perfume around us with death and loss" --a bit tell-y pg 45: "the trees here had suffered the full brunt of the storm" --what storm? "Our task is to clear all the fallen branches and boughs, clear dead leaves, and comb all the debris from the pond" --ok, this must be WRS from the setup for the job. Hitting me hard today... pg 46: "I saw the point, and chided myself for missing it" --The point of what? --Edit: oh, is he sneaking off already? Wouldn't that be very suspicious? pg 48: "I was already taking far too long without this" --without what? There's a lot of vague writing in this submission. pg 49: "A pet cemetery!" --that seems...problematic, in this culture. Random vagabonds climbing in your garden to dig up the favorite family pet? Plus, doesn't it take time for J to prepare the bones? "Working with the tool, I ate the marrow from one half of the broken bone." --ah, I guess not. pg 52: Huh, yeah stealing pet bones seems pretty low. I think we need a good explanation for how helpful insight will be rather than it might help remember where he's seen someone before.

Thanks @kais! Comments fit pretty well with some changes I made, so hopefully the final version works better!

Hello @Zay Wolfe and welcome to Reading Excuses! This was a fun piece, once I got into it. Like @ICanDream, I thought the exposition at the beginning took too long, and could probably be cut. It's fine for setting the tone, but I also want a character to latch onto to take me into the story. Further, when the main character finally does start his trash run, it's a big switch and threw me out of the story for a moment. That said, once this gets going, it's very good. You'll see I didn't make any comments past page 6 (when the main character starts acting). You might even be able to start here, and sprinkle in a few of the expository tidbits from the beginning, and have a really amazing start to a story. Notes while reading: pg 1: "free from walking on the broken glass littering every street" --ok, I'm getting the dystopia vibe, but wouldn't people have moved the broken glass out of the way to make a path, if they're walking it every day? pg 2: There's a lot of exposition here...I'm starting to skim, looking for the story... pg 3: Aha...here's the beginning of the story! --er, nope. Goes back into exposition... pg 3: there's a lot more than just gold in electronics. Plenty of rare metals. pg 6: Still a lot of exposition and not much else. I'd like to see the main character act. pg 6: "I ducked under a fender and came out into a large clearing" --Wait, suddenly he's doing something, but I don't know how he got there or why. Looking forward to more!