Appol PhD

For me I think the difference is that Ch saying it doesn't have the impact as seeing it in action with A and R here. In this chapter I was thinking about how incompatible they are because of hierarchy even before it was explicitly noted, which is great! I think Ch establishing this on a larger societal scale is harder but doable. Maybe the story could go into specific cultural trends (either AR relations with slavers or human hierarchy, past or present) about how people keep trying to cut through those power dynamics with the power of love and it doesn't work?

Overall: This is another submission that I think is one of the best in the novel so far. I really like that A has to make some hard choices, and the tension in her conversation with R is great. It’s good that R is trying and thinks she’s being generous and doing the right thing, but that this is clearly bad for both of them. It does a good job selling that A and R are fundamentally incompatible due to their backgrounds and social standings, which we know is important because that’s the title of novel! I think focusing more of the earlier parts on these dynamics could really help the flow of the overall story. As for Ast’s commentary, I mention in LBLs that I think it mostly works because it pushes A to confront truths she’d rather not face. The one part that I think could be reworked a bit is Ast’s last paragraph on page 8, which I would say could stand to be more technical because right now it feels a bit overgeneralized. Maybe it could delve into the history of rich people being a-holes since forever or focus on statistics of how poorly labor-corporate relations tend to end up? Just spitballing. As I go: Pg 1. I’ve commented on a lot of the chapter openings not hooking me, so I wanted to say that I think this one does a great job! It’s easy to see why A wants B to stay and how much more dangerous it is for her with B leaving. Pg 3. This is also more of what I wanted. A is under a lot of pressure and has to make a hard decision. Pg 4-5. Also really enjoy R’s position here. The tension of her trying to help but doing it in a very flawed and self-centered way is great! Pg 7-8. I was going in after reading the email expecting to not like Ast’s clinical emotions explanations, but I think they work here because they force A to confront her self-pity and see that she’s not unlovable, just another person going through love difficulties that a lot of people go through.

Just made the edits and sent the first query letters. Thanks so much for your help @ginger_reckoning @Paul SB!

Hi everyone, This is the first submission for the novel I wrote for (the now unofficial) nanowrimo last year. I've been reading a lot of Octavia Butler so I wrote this as a counterpoint to her novel Dawn, where a human is modified by gentle yet eerie aliens to prepare a cohort of humans to re-colonize Earth after nuclear fallout. So with this novel, I'm focusing less on having a fast-paced plot and more on atmosphere and conflicted emotions. It's a new style for me so I'm curious how it comes across. This submission goes about halfway through chapter 2 and cuts off before the end of the chapter to stay within word count, though hopefully the scene break I chose feels natural for that. Thanks for reading!

I'll take a slot for Monday please!

Overall: I really like how the first chapter pushes A as a character and puts her in challenging situations, which is what I’ve been wanting to see more of in previous submissions. I like what we get about the spread of information as power, and being dangerous to A since she’s trying to fly under the radar with her restaurant. Maybe sprinkling in bits of this in earlier chapters could help sell the fact that A is being challenged. A trying to stealthily take bioweapons for her own purposes is a great beat in the second chapter as well, because it gives me more of the agency and character specificity I’ve been asking for. Most characters wouldn’t go down this route, but A feels backed into a corner enough to resort to it which is directly based on what happened in the last two chapters. That's great! I think we need a bit more of how A’s planning to handle the long-term ramifications of this. Putting the fancy lab equipment to hoard bioweapons on an official expense account with no cover story does not sound like a recipe for success. I also like the small beats we get about how A has a positive opinion of the EU but isn't completely on the same wavelength and wants to have agency separate from them. This is nice because it makes A feel more like she's on her own, which raises the stakes. It would be great to expand on this a bit. As I go: Pg 1-2. I like the power dynamics at play when it comes down to A’s word against the rich kids’, though it feels like it gets diffused pretty quickly. Are there long-term consequences from this? Pg 3. I also like B’s opinions on violence because they show us something new and complex Pg 4. The comment about remote access is also good, and I think it’s good that A has to look out for people in the EU even if she’s mostly positive on them. Pg 6. Also a nice moment for establishing long-term consequences Pg 8-9. Also engaged with G as a mysterious figure. This entry overall is one of my favorites. Pg 11. It’s good that we’re looping back to the embryos, but I think we need a bit more urgency/stakes for the hook to land. Pg 14-15. Now this is a fun idea from A. I think the chapter could get here faster or focus more on how A builds up to this idea. -If A does use the virus, will it be able to jump to other hosts or is it engineered to be limited to one? -A should probably come up with a cover story for the equipment. I assume she’s not supposed to be using bioweapons for self-defense.

Hi Paul! If an email was sent out with the submission, I didn't get it (including checking spam folder). Would you mind re-sending? Thanks!

Hi everyone, I've rewritten Labyrinth of Birdcages from scratch based on feedback, and I'm planning to query agents to build up skills in doing so. Most of them require about 10 pages, which is about the length of these first two chapters. So in contrast to my usual style of not worrying as much about the line-level, here I'll be focusing on it more so comments in that area are greatly appreciated. I'll probably start querying agents next Monday unless people want to critique but will need longer than that to get to it, so please let me know if that's the case! I'm also curious how chapter 1 lands, since previous feedback I got was that we need to know more about J's life before the inciting incident so I had to put a lot of thought into how to make it feel important for the story. Not sure if I totally stuck the landing. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

Overall: Once again, I like the hook and the escalation. And as I mention in LBLs, I think the scenes do a good job of showing how A has to navigate around societal power that B doesn’t understand. A few suggestions: -Maybe this was done in the chapter where A has lunch with Ran, but I think we need just a bit more about the restaurant and the area it’s in. Does it attract rich kids or are these people venturing out of their usual territory to jump A? Either way, I think we need a bit more scene setting. -I care more about how these rich kids are connected to Rac and how A has to deal with the power dynamics than what they’re actually going to do to A. It feels like we understand early on exactly what these people are like and I don’t get a lot else from them for the scene, so I’d rather see the focus be on A working through what to do. -I think the discussion with B on the flowers needs a bit more to it. The character goal is listed as cheer up which does come across but I think there needs to be a more specific goal here. As I go: Pg 2. This is a fun hook! I think the story could cut down page 1 a bit to get here faster Pg 3-4. I like the idea here of B’s unfamiliarity with human customs forcing A to confront the implications of the flowers, but I’m not sure why A doesn’t try to explain that the context makes it creepy Pg 5. This feels like a harsh judgment of R from B given that B doesn’t seem sure about the nuances of human culture Pg 6. I think we could us a little more lead-in to A getting jumped here, though I do like the power dynamics of focusing on how A is much lower status than R Pg 10. This is a good moment for A grappling with power and consequences

Overall: This submission does a good job of doing what I’ve been asking for in previous submissions, which is setting up a hook for something with clear importance (B wanting to be present and the church investigating) and following through by showing how that changes what happens. As a result, I was pretty engaged here. Would love to see this structure used more for other chapters! The main point I was thinking about during this submission is the setting. I think we need a bit more info on the power dynamics between the church, corporations, and EU and how that all pertains to A. And I think even more importantly, we need a sense that the setting is dynamic and has stakes. Where are the areas where things could change on Mars, get better or worse, and how do the characters deal with that? I think R’s dialogue here is a good start, and frankly I think his perspective on the situation is more interesting than A’s. I think the slur here is actually a great choice for showing how bitter and humorously dry he is about the whole situation. As I go: Pg 2. B wanting to be present is good setup. Could we start the chapter here? Pg 3. The church showing up is also a good hook, though I don’t think we need a whole page explaining it. I think it’s more important to establish what happens if the church doesn’t like what they see. Pg 4. So far it feels like A’s explanations don’t add a lot to the story. They often tell us what we already know, and often feel oversimplified (though I don’t have an issue with the accuracy of this one in particular) Pg 5. I think we need more on church (not necessarily here, maybe earlier), about what they can do and why they can do it. Could A’s ties to the EU help her out here? What does that have to say about the setting as a whole? Pg 7. R’s dialogue here is doing a good job of fleshing out the setting and how people feel about it. This is the kind of thing I was talking about with the previous comment. Pg 9. This is a good moment for A. I think it's a good choice not to have a hothead ruin it as mentioned because everyone coming together and making the best of a less than ideal situation is a great way to lead into feelings of community.

Yeah, I think making bad choices as a result of what's going on between her and R could be a powerful tool. Of course, the tricky thing there is deciding which bad choices she makes and how those flesh her out, which might take multiple attempts. It's something I think is hard to pull off, but for a story like this where the point is how unhealthy the relationship is I think it could be very impactful if done right.

Overall: In the interest of not repeating points I’ve made about the scenes not justifying their importance to the overall narrative (which I think holds true for this submission as well), I’ll focus on a different angle. I think the story has a good idea of the issues that pop up, but my hangup is that A isn’t really challenged by any of it. There are problems, and the AR basically sweep in and find solutions. I think the fact that we don’t really see her overcome big obstacles is something that’s kept me from being invested in her success throughout the story. I think this ties into some of the disconnect that Silk and I have been talking about. I believe last week it was mentioned that one of the overarching ideas is that A’s pursuit of romance with R is harmful to her, but we don’t see it actually interfering with her ability to do her job. If A’s dynamic with R gets in the way of her plans (could be taking in D or anything else, and could result from R’s actions or A’s emotional instability), I think the story will feel more cohesive. As I go: Pg 1. It’s good to see some of the problems A is managing, which is what I wanted more of since being in charge of this place is a lot on her shoulders. I think the next step is showing how this challenges her, because it still feels a bit easy. Pg 4. It’s nice to see D again, and the mixed feelings help A feel more complex. I think that could be highlighted in other scenes Pg 7-8. Feels like we’re getting off topic here I did. Hopefully Silk and the others got it.

Checked through my email and didn't see the submission. Would you mind re-sending it? Thanks!

Yeah it's pretty unintuitive, and it's true that someone who's asexual is in general much less likely to want/enjoy sex since they're not attracted to people. But that's not a hard and fast rule. It's a little different than any animal comparison because sexuality looks at identity, not behavior. The example that helped me understand it is that some straight men choose to do gay porn and enjoy the work despite not being attracted to the other guys. In this case there are a variety of reasons the straight man could seek out having sex with another man, possibly even enjoying the sensation of it, and it makes sense that he's still straight instead of being bi because there's no attraction behind it. Now imagine someone who's identical to that straight man with the one change of not being interested in women. If a straight man can seek out sex with another man and still be straight, then couldn't an asexual man seek out sex with a man and still be asexual? Then that could be extrapolated out to an asexual person having sex with someone of any sex/gender. Of course, most ace people aren't doing gay porn in droves, and as you mention it often intersects with emotional relationship dynamics so it shouldn't be framed as exclusively seeking out casual sex. It's just an example that helped me understand that behavior isn't the same as attraction. If you're interested in more info, I think this website does a decent job of breaking it down. For the story's sake, I think A could be asexual but sex-indifferent or sex-favorable, or she could be gray asexual who can feel attraction in limited situations. I don't think she even necessarily needs to decide which labels fit her (and labels that use too much modern lingo might feel a bit shoehorned into a futuristic setting, so I'd recommend understanding the jargon but not using too much of it). The point is that, assuming discussions of sexuality are meant to come across as accurate and useful, they should be focused on identity and attraction rather than behavior.

Overall: Again, mostly agree with @Silk. There are some interesting bits, especially the way that R thinks she's being fair while violating A, but it all feels a bit disconnected. I think this is a great way of putting it, and is similar to (and perhaps more graceful and less blunt than) my comments that it's hard to see how these pieces matter to the overall story. A related concept I've had a professor talk about that helped me is narrative control, which is the idea that the story has tight control over how it progresses and that there's a clear reason why moving from any one scene to the next fleshes out the story. A story can be unpredictable and still have a solid shape, and I'd argue the two are mostly unrelated. It should be clear what the story is about, how it's engaging with those ideas, and how each scene feeds into that even if the reader doesn't know what will happen next. It's hard to do this, so it's what I tend to focus on in my writing and others. There are essentially infinite ways for a scene to play out, so it needs to be clear why the version that's on the page is the best fit for this specific story. I think this is also something the story could flesh out. There are definitely events that seem to be contributing to this, but it can feel a bit vague (distrusting the rich) or simplistic (R cheating on her). Easier said than done, I know, and I think the fact that Silk and I are focusing on these broad tricky issues are a testament to the story reading fairly well on a scene by scene level. As I go: Pg 1-2. It’s good that we’re looping back to the lab since it feels like it’s been brushed aside a bit for the last few chapters. That being said, I think we need more on how it connects to the larger plot threads here. Pg 4. I’m still not sure why a teenage refugee was given complete ownership of this property Pg 5-6. It’s good to get a discussion on A’s identity here, but I don’t think the neuroscience adds much (plus it seems very oversimplified) -the asexual talk depends a lot on how it’s defined. By current day standards this isn’t accurate, since asexuality is about identity (lack of feeling attraction) rather than behavioral (not having sex). Some asexual people have sex all the time and enjoy it! If the definition’s changed in this fictional setting, it could help to know why. Pg 7. If this could be a simple dream and we don’t know it’s real, it’s harder to be invested

Overall: Mostly I agree with @Silk. I think this has some of the best scenes in the story so far (I think Rac is a great character to play off of A when tensions get high), but it also felt choppy and constantly switching focus. I think the issue has less to do with pacing and more to do with needing smoother transitions, less logistically and more thematically. The story can put these scenes in whatever order it wants, so why is it important to see them in this order? I think this is important to consider too, and I think it's important to address without leaning heavily on long sections of internality. One of the things I've been noticing throughout the novel is that it's often hard to tell why what's happening in the scenes is important for A and what she's trying to get out of them. I think about it in particular at the start of chapters, which tend to ground us in physical space without establishing why what's going on matters. I think an example this submission of where this is done well is the end of the first chapter where A starts to form different opinions of Rac and Ran, and crucially it affects how she plans to approach them. Ran is a cultist that she wants to treat with compassion, and Rac is a wild card she has no idea how to deal with. It's touches like this that really bring out the characterization. As I go: Pg 1. This could shape up to be a fun interaction, but I think we need more of a character hook/stakes for A. What is she trying to get out of this? Pg 4. I was just thinking that A should be feeling a bit more overwhelmed here. I think we could benefit from seeing it more on the page in addition to having her say it. Pg 5. I like R’s dynamic with A, where he’s supportive but crosses the line a bit and also can’t quite give her what she needs. I think we should see more of A grappling with that and deciding how that affects her plans. Pg 7. Feels like we’re bouncing around a lot without the story guiding us through. Pg 8. I like counterpointing Ran with Rac. Shows that A’s opinions of them are starting to affect her approaches. Pg 11. I like A giving credit to her team, even when she’s feeling down. I mentioned before that setting up the restaurant felt a bit too easy, so maybe it could help to see what the others are actually doing to draw people in? Pg 14. I really like R’s character writing here. We get to see how all of her traits come together, and the same rebellious nature that makes her like A in the first place is also making her cheat. That’s a great way of showing multiple sides to a character while still having them feel cohesive!

Overall: The good news is that I think this is a very strong story. The second person is a great fit for the writing style, the scenes feel eerie and complex with how the diet stuff almost sounds like it makes sense, and the scene ordering manages to feel like the character is jumping around randomly while also feeling like the smoothest progression as an actual story. Not a small feat! I have a few constructive points, though they’re fairly minor: -I think even in second person where the character is supposed to feel a bit like ourselves we need a bit more on her life before starting the message board and what drove her to it. I think there’s a way to do it where she still feels like she could be anyone while making the discussions of societal pressure a bit more well-rounded. -I believe the story is at its most powerful when it’s just a bit concerning rather than full-on obviously concerning, since it shows that even when done in a mindful way focusing on individual plans and empowerment that this stuff is dangerous. I think if the story pulls back just a bit on some of the negative experiences (both health-wise and socially), it will actually feel scarier since it goes from “this is a bad idea because she’s facing rejection and have deteriorating health” to “even when she’s watching for the obvious warning signs this is still an unhealthy obsession.” The story already does this quite a bit and I think it’s great; I think it could go even further. -The last three pages feel a bit too neat and tidy, and I don’t see as much complexity as some of the earlier struggles. I think it’s more powerful if she doesn’t feel great about going back to the world outside this bubble, but does it anyways. Spitballing a bit here but maybe this is where the first comment about the character’s backstory could come in? She knows she’ll have to go back to facing whatever expectations pushed her into this in the first place but does it anyways. As I go: Pg 2. I like this opening, though I wonder if there’s a way to give it just a bit more oomph through the corporate speak. Edit: after finishing I wonder if the first line could focus on community rather than the second line since that's the biggest throughline throughout the story. Pg 3. Really like the sense of motion here so far. The diets being so different and how quickly the character is jumping between them helps build the eerie atmosphere Pg 6. I also like the motion of the character being left behind by the new fad of definitely-not-Ozempic Pg 11. Love the self-care justifications Pg 14. This is the first time so far that the dynamics feel a bit simplified. This story’s doing a great job of not being afraid to tell instead of show if that makes the dynamics more complicated, but here it feels like what’s on the page is all we get if that makes sense

That was me lol. Mostly just means that I saw it and think it's cool since I didn't acknowledge it by responding directly

Overall: I think the first chapter here reads fairly well since A and R’s dynamic has a nice blend of being supportive but not quite on the same page, which opens up a lot of nice complexity and opportunities for conflict further down the line. Unfortunately, I don’t think the second chapter justifies its inclusion in the story. It’s cool that A is leveraging her relationship with the AR, but she doesn’t have to overcome any actual barriers to get there and the text is focused on this kid who seemingly doesn’t matter for the larger narrative. I think if we’re going to have this kid there the story needs to rethink how to integrate him into the narrative so this feels like a more pivotal point for A. As I go: Pg 1. I like the note about A wondering what she means to R as labor vs. citizen, and we could use more info on this from R’s end. Pg 4-5. It’s good to get more conflict between A and R but I’m not sure what the other characters here are adding. Pg 5-6. I like R’s reaction here. It’s not exactly what A wants but it is supportive enough that A can’t really complain so it makes the situation more complicated. Pg 10. I like the complexity of A grappling with being a business owner (capitalism) that is dedicated to fighting anarcho-capitalism (though I still think we need more on how she’s actually able to get into this position as a teenage refugee). We could use more of this. Pg 11-12. On the one hand, I think it’s good that A’s connection with the AR is coming up again, since it’s a unique relationship only she can leverage right now. On the other, I think this needs to be more integrated with the larger narrative. How does this matter for A’s larger story?

Interestingly enough other scientists reviewing our grant proposals hate it when we try to connect the apple fruit bacteria to the gut. Partially because a lot of them get washed off anyways and partially because most of the ones that don't get washed off just die in stomach acid. So instead we focus on ones that stop mold from growing on the apple, of which there are a few. But it's hard to tell what they're actually doing when there are so many different types.

Plant science! My PhD work was on the microbiomes of apple fruits.

Update: I found out today that postdocs at my university don't have access to microsoft word (which I would mostly be using to write grants that bring them money, so I guess they don't actually want me doing that), and since I don't feel like doing my edits on google docs I'm going to hold off until that hopefully gets resolved.

I'll take a slot for tomorrow, please!

Overall: I think the ideas that are brought up here (A being pulled between her new purpose and her romance with R) are extremely important for the story, and I think it takes A way too long to actually start wrangling with these ideas. Doesn’t mean that R needs to show up earlier necessarily (though I think she could), but so far this is A’s most defining character conflict and we get very little on it between chapter 1 and now. When I mention that many of the past submissions felt unimportant for the overall story, that’s a big reason why. Now, onto feedback for what’s actually here. Like I said I think A being pulled between her purpose and her love is important, and is absolutely the direction the story should take, and I think we need more on both sides she’s being pulled to. For her purpose, why is a refugee teenager allowed to manage all of this? Why does this feel meaningful in a way that’s personal to her? And on the romance side, the most important aspects to establish are what draws them together and what pushes them apart to create tension in the relationship. We need more on what draws A and R together other than finding each other’s bodies hot, since right now I don’t have a good idea what they see with each other. What’s pushing them apart is better—A is starting to see the issues with R being at the top of the system she hates, but we could use more specifics on how A thinks that will affect the relationship. As I go: Pg 1. Who are they worried about breaking in? Guns feel a little extreme but more info on the setting could justify it. Pg 5. The note about A not knowing how to deal with crowds based on her background is a good one, and I think the story needs more focus on A’s character like this. It’s not ideal to wait until page 5 of a chapter to get an idea of how our protagonist’s traits affect how she approaches the situation the chapter puts her in. Pg 8. It’s good to get the ball moving again on the relationship, but I think A’s physiological reactions tell us a lot less than one more focused on her emotions. The complexity and substance in what’s been set up about them revolves around the isolation from each other and power disparity, and right now it feels like we’re not getting any of that and just seeing that A is horny. Pg 10. I think the character conflict here is exactly where it should be (A being pulled between her new goal and old love), but I think both sides need a lot of work. A’s work here has felt too easy and we don’t have much setup on what her and R’s dynamic actually is and how R might react. Pg 13. What is R actually here for? Presumably it’s more than casual sex. Pg 15. Can A do both? What’s her hesitation? That R won’t support her if she’s truly independent? This is the key for A’s character conflict, and I think we need a lot more focus on it