TKWade

@Mandamon & @Snakenaps

Thank you both for the kind words! I'll definitely try some of these approaches this week and try to tease out what works best for me. I like knowing things like that you don't consider submitting a book until your 60% done, that gives me a good baseline to work towards.

I'm not really sure how to start this off, so I'll just get into it. I've had a real issue writing for the last few years. A couple of years back I was really active for several months, really into wanting to write and get to a point where I have a finished product, even a poorly written one. This year and most of 2019 were really pretty rough for me, I really struggled with nihilism, self-hate, a feeling of being trapped and standing still while life rushes past me. It all felt like an extremely heavy weight on my chest, a really oppressing feeling. Finally, I listened to my wife(she's way smarter than me, so I shouldn't have been so stubborn lol) and started seeing a therapist this year.

Long story short, I want to create content but I lack discipline, I always have and I'm hyper-aware of it. I struggle with ADHD and I expect that I can't complete something before I even get started on it, so I want to find a way to set myself up for success. I'm not sure of the best way to handle submissions this time. Before I had an issue with moving past chapters. This time I really don't' know where to start. Do I write 10 chapters and then start submitting? Do write most of a book and then start submitting so I have a better idea of where my story and characters are going? Do I just do small writing exercises that I can complete and submit them as shorts to get feedback?

Right now I feel trapped in life. I want out. I have a great job with amazing bosses that I have no right to complain about, but I feel miserable at the thought of being here for 20 more years. I want to create content and take some agency back in my own life. I have a wife and kids, so writing really stands out to me as something that takes far less financial risk compared to other types of professions and I enjoy writing and creating new worlds and characters. It's something I know I enjoy when I'm really in it, but right now I'm not because I'm unsure of how to start, so like usual for me, I just don't.

I guess I'm looking for advice.

build up in chapter 2 and then just there suddently in chapter 3, i feel like the climax of that struggle was stolen from me. I expected some kind of build up until they first glanced it and would be able to take in the releived and excited reaction of the group at the time it happens.

pg 2. "The four soldiers made their way past glowing windows and sounds of laughter or hushed
conversation as the sun disappeared. Ace on his stretcher garnered stares and glances from windows,
but one glimpse of the uniforms drew the curtains closed."

I dont' know, this doesn't work for me for some reason. I think it's because the way the action is described in each dwelling makes it sound private, so I'm not expecting to learn that people are actively watching them. You might add that there are some looking out from their windows or that their attention is drawn to them initially, but then diverted upon seeing who they are. It just seems like i'm missing a piece of information.

pg 3. "walked. Why had he reacted so loudly against seeing his family?" i feel like this whole paragraph is a lot of telling us how he feels. I wonder if these bits of information couldn't be dropped in more nuanced ways to help build Amin as character with complex feelings, uneasy to see his family again after being gone so long, without just telling us what he's feeling in such a straight way. I felt like this came across really stiff.

I like your descriptions of the setting, I feel like I can really see Birdrock.

pg 3. "carrying a body. Typical." Is it typical for him to bring bodies on stretches to her door, or just typical of him to be up to no good. Seems like that could use context maybe.

I really enjoyed the meeting with his family. I really felt it and that was great.

Welcome!

I think @Paracosmic_nomenclator nailed pretty much all the points I had, so I wouldn't rehash them. I would add that on page 5. "I will not fail. I can't fail! He told himself" I would do like Para said, but also italicise it to make it clear that it's an internal thought and dialogue.

Loved the magic system. As soon as you started to describe it all I could think about was Gara from Naruto who is one of my all-time favorite anime characters

Kudos, and I'm super excited to learn about the world

@WritingAubergine Welcome! Super happy to see some new peeps

- Make sure you're indenting your paragraphs. The break makes it easier for the reader to organize the writing while they're reading. The same with your dialogue. Make sure that new dialogue is starting a new paragraph. P2/P3 you have a single paragraph is that is literally the length of a page and you have a couple of instances of dialogue within it to break it up. And it should be broken up quite a bit.

- I understand this is an excerpt, but it was really difficult for me to get into from the start. You might next time provide some setting. ie: Mr M studied the two grungy men across from him, deciding the best way to get through might be a good 'ol fashioned story, he took a large drink from his tankard, slammed it on the table and got into it, "This here story..."  - I have no idea of the pre-text here, so I'm just making stuff up, but I hope that makes sense.

- Mr M sounds like he's just sitting there with his hands on the table telling a story flatly. You might through in actions and hand gestures or something. The story itself is active, but the character telling it seems passive and boring. Being a great storyteller has very little to do with the story and far more to do with the drama and gestures used to tell it. I'm just not pulled in and within three pages I found it really difficult to get through.

- I do love the old story turned on its head though, well done.

Keep at it and I'm excited to read more!

This is what happens when you're out of band for a month! Bah! I had no idea about NaNoWriMo! Next year I'm going to have to participate. Until then, good luck to all you NaNo's and may your pens(or keys) be swift.

- at least until he discovered how to get his second father or his mother to set him lighter chores instead. - I'm not sure this bit really adds anything to the story.  I'd maybe get rid of it to lighten the paragraph.

- "...if the phrase will be pardoned.” - typo

- how brilliant their aspect of the Grand Symphony was. - I don't understand the context of aspect in this sentence. It sounds like you're saying their understanding of the Grand Symphony, almost. Are you saying they have a feature of the Grand Symphony? It's just not landing for me.

- "...transfer it elseways,” - elsewhere?

- "“It’s the Systems. I don’t yet ken ‘em. We canna..." You start this dialog off with a really strong dialect, but end it with a really clear dialect. It almost reads as if it's from two different characters. Also, the section of strong dialect is difficult to read, imo. I'd dial it back maybe or just make it a bit more clear.
- "...merely from nostalgia..." - I could be wrong, but I think this should be 'for' nostalgia because he's doing it in order to reminisce. If he's doing it because he did it in the past, then maybe 'from habit' instead, but it sounds like he decided to intentionally save the task because he wanted to enjoy the nostalgia from doing it previously, ergo he's doing it for, not from.

- “Yes. We have a rodent problem.” lol, I enjoyed this line.

- “The cellar, it is down here,” I noticed this before, but I thought it worth a mention. I really appreciate how you've made the Majus' speech patterns instantly recognizable. Well done!

- “I didnae know..." - Just pointing out another instance where the dialect is really difficult to understand. As the reader, I'm not sure how this word should roll off the tongue. I just opt to read it as "dinnit" or straight, "didn't".
- R sighed and entered the dim staircase. - I like that the stakes are more concrete. I didn't get a chance to read through your second revision, but this is definitely an improvement on the first submission.

- He’d never yet caught - this phrasing seems odd to me. I just think it rolls off the tongue a little funky. I don't think anything is wrong with it per say, but I don't particularly enjoy the wording.

- If he lugged the crate up - typo

- The try-fail cycle you're establishing here in the cellar is much improved. I'm really enjoying the sequence.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. Well done

@kais  and @SalMonroe Little late on this, but, hah! true! And I fought the fridging thing tooth and nail. Kais had to pull me kicking and screaming, but it finally sunk in, thankfully.  

@kais Ah! how did I not mention to fridging trope! blah! I must repent!

Hey, @SalMonroe, thanks for posting! I enjoyed the story!

So, first off, make sure you're double-spacing your whole piece, it makes it easier to read and I believe it's part of the posting rules in the introduction, no big this time, but for next time it'd be helpful.
 

Make sure you're indenting your paragraphs.
 

page 2, paragraph 3, is a little awkward. I think maybe unnecessary. I think I think it's a pretty common habit to look up after sitting down, in general, I really don't think you need to go into why he does it. You can just say, "he looks up at the tv out of habit." and that would be sufficient.

I think you do well staying in first-person and your dialog with S works for me.

What doesn't work for me is the ending dialog with Micheal. It feels really awkward and stilted. If you make your dialog more concise and direct, I think it'll read better.

Example:
Instead of, "it's just a metaphor, John"
use "it's a metaphor."

It feels more natural. In conversation, we typically don't address each other by name directly. I wouldn't usually say to my friend, "Okay, Dylan, I get it." I'd just say, "Okay, I get it." or "Okay, man, I get it."

Why go to the park? I'm fine with it, but I think you need to provide a reason other than there is a cross there to pray to. You can pray anywhere. Your home, your car, your bathroom, literally doesn't matter, so this part seems odd simply because there's no defined reason, other than it be quiet and empty of people.

I did like the guy puking on the cross, it felt symbolic. Like the devil laughing at God. It was almost another hit at something more going on.

Regarding your ending questions:

I think it was just enough fantasy. I like stories like this because it leaves you right on the edge of, "is this dude just imagining it, or is there something more really going on here??"

Suzie being dead at the end: I suspected, but I'd like to be a little more concrete. You could write in the last sentence that when he goes back into the bathroom and looks in the mirror the number is 24. You could throw in an off-hand comment on J wondering how S slept through his screaming. That would solidify it. If you want to leave it open-ended you could just throw in the off-hand comment, but I think that's leaving the door open.

You could also have J go back to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and react, but not outright tell the reader what he sees. Just describe his reaction to the #24.

Ending it like that would also solidify that fact that something fantastical is definitely at work.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. Thank you for posting, hope we see more work from you!

@kais You and neongrey have been so graciously honest
 

Sometimes a rough critique is what's needed for growth, I'll never complain. Hehe.

@SalMonroe Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'm excited to read your piece next week and tear it to bits  

Thank you so much for the thorough critique, and don't worry, I've been decimated by a critique much worse, so you're totally safe. It's based off DnD, but I'm taking major liberties and kind of letting it go where it wants.
 

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

I don’t think recount is a good word to use here

Point. I will definitely revise this, thanks!

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

1.2 - 2.6

I feel like the ordering of some of these paragraphs is a bit odd.

In 1.1, he’s focused on the present, in 1.2 he’s focused on the past, in 1.3 he’s focused on the present for half and then quickly goes back to the past, in 2.1-2.5 he thinks about the past, finally transitioning back to the present. I thought this back and forth thing was really unnecessary and that it would be a lot cleaner if you kept all the memories in one place and the present thoughts in one.

I don’t know if you were going for an effect where you’re trying to represent turmoil by making him flit between the present and the past so often, but if you want to do that I’d suggest that you make it even more pronounced and obvious by making the flip-flop even more severe.

My goal here was to contrast his previous life with his new life, maybe I just need to clean up the execution like you say.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

2.5.1

I don’t feel like this sentence needs to be italicized as it is right now. Right now it seems too impersonal to be an actual thought of his. Because you’re using his third person limited POV for him in this story, all the text is his view on what he’s thinking/seeing anyways, so I feel like if you want to bust out the italic thought text, it should be for something significant and not for something that can just be described without needing a thought.

But I do think that this is actually a good opportunity for a chance to use italics, just not in its current state. Maybe you could have him react to the thought, clench his fist or what not to show whatever emotion he feels strongly about the Arbiter, or maybe you could change it up a bit. If this was from the viewpoint of a more nihilistic character, maybe the thought would be something along the lines of “no one ever escapes the thing of the Arbiter.” Of course, Rowan seems a bit happier than that so it’s just an example.

My point is, the italics are special and this thought doesn't seem special enough to deserve it.

I have to disagree, but you're also the reader and what the reader perceives is always more important than what the writer put on paper, or meant to put on paper. I'll try to reword this to make it more personal. I kind of thought it was personal enough being directly in response to the thoughts he was having about Val. I will disagree on adding "ever" if only because by saying, "no one escapes the thumb of the Arbiter." it's implied that no one ever does, to include "ever" would be redundant. But you make a point and I will try to revise it.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

2.6.1

Warren comes out of the blue with no introduction or description.

I love what you have to say here and I had similar thoughts, so it's good to hear it echoed by readers. You're not overstepping at all, love the suggestions. Thanks!

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

4.1.4

I don’t get why he’s giving him a quizzical look.

Point. I'll revise.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

4.12.1

He’s running the scenario through his head and having a fun time imagining it, but I wouldn’t expect him to be physically smiling.

Because it's an internal thought, I was hoping the smile would be taken as more of an internal smile, but I can specify this in the writing. But quite right, he wouldn't be physically smiling.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

4.12.1 / 4.13.1

Did she actually smile and then instantly turn sad? I guess Rowan achieved his goal of wiping the “smug smile” off her face, but this flip flop kind of sticks out.

I have to disagree with this one. People sometimes flip-flop on emotions quickly. You don't know what is going through her head, but you can assume, as the reader, that she's enjoying her quips at him and the reactions she's sparking, but then in realising what she's doing to him, putting setting him up to die, she becomes upset. People joke at funerals all the time, and then in a moment of reminiscing, can become instantly sad about their departed. People are complex and capable of feeling a multitude of emotions all at once. But again you're the reader, so maybe I need to find a way to adjust this to make it easily digestible. Maybe make the switch more pronounced, to be taken as further foreshadowing that Rowan is probably getting set up.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

6.5.1

Isn’t he incredibly nervous about the job? If sketching is something he does to calm himself down, mention it. If he’s calmed down enough to be able to casually pass his time with a hobby, mention it.

Point. I'll revise this. It's meant to be a coping method for his anxiety or boredom, in this case, anxiety, I can find a way to slide that in there.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

9.1.1

I wouldn’t really describe what the priest is doing as “helping” Warren, and I don't know if Rowan would describe it as that either. “Why are you turning a blind eye, punishing me for what he’s done, ignoring him, etc.”

I need to do a better job of making this apparent to the readers, because yours isn't the only comment. He is helping Warren. The idea is that one of the church branches is starting to pick up on Warren's smuggling habits and the priest needs Warren for capturing magi. I'll try to fix this when I fix my Warren issue earlier in the chapter.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

9.8

I really wanted to know exactly how the priest replies here and I'm kind of disappointed that you left it up to interpretation. Is he bored, sadistic, euphoric? While he’s probably a character that never appears again, he would work as a good representative for the setting that Rowan had lived in for his whole life.

Good point, I'll revise.

Thank you for taking the time to read and critique! I'll really appreciate it and please, don't worry about going overboard with critiques, the worst you can do is not say what you think is wrong with the writing. As long as your tone is respectful, of which it was, you'll be fine.  

And again, welcome!

7 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

I'm still lacking the "why." Why is Warren randomly sending young men to their death? He seems to have a reason for it, but he was surprised by the Rowan embracing the fire. We need some reason why Rowan would go through with what is obviously a bad idea, besides complete stupidity. Has Warren promised him a huge amount of money for transporting an illegal object?

I'll expand the first act to try expounding the "why" better. Thanks!

1 minute ago, kais said:

5 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Wait, Rowan put the illegal magical thing, punishable by death, out on the edge of the table? Why?

LOL! @Mandamon and I are apparently shouting in tandem from the (virtual) corner. "PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET, DOOFUS! YOUR POCKET!"

LOL! And here I was trying to slide his competency up!  Lazy writing is lazy.

2 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The large animals defecated on the cobblestone road, pulling the aristocrats in their decorative wagons,"
--these two thoughts perhaps should be in different sentences.

It's supposed to be a single thought, "Animals pooping on the road while pulling people in their wagons." Maybe just written incorrectly?

This is the first part of a 5 part series.

1 hour ago, kais said:

Why did he put the amulet on the table? Isn't it contraband or something? If the rune is the contraband and not the amulet, that should be made clear earlier. And how did they notice the ruin if it was hidden? I don't understand enough about how priests work for this to make sense, so it seems just like author convenience right now.

Because I'm a terrible writer

No, I will adjust this, it was poor execution. I need to find a creative way of letting the priest see the amulet and the Rune embedded in it, without it looking like total negligence on the MC's part. I wanted it to seem like he through it up on the table without consideration, but I see that it isn't consistent with the narrative to do that. The rune isn't hidden, it's just embedded in the amulet like a large gemstone. I need to be more specific when he examines it after it has been handed off to him.

1 hour ago, kais said:

I think expanding the dialogue between MC and our mysterious woman might actually help, and would be a good place for more backstory. 

Good idea!

@kais Thanks for taking the time to read!

@ICanDream Are you a part of the email group for Reading Excuses? These works are submitted via email to a distribution group. If you haven't been added to this list you can request it in the Email List and Submission Dates thread that is pinned to the top of the Reading Excuses sub-forum. Let me know if you have any issues. You may also be able to request it via private msg to @Robinski.

If you believe you have been added to this distribution group then you may check your junk mail or trash to make sure it didn't get deleted. It'll show up on the email as an attached PDF.

Thanks! Happy writing!
 

@kais is probably right, I'm probably the one overreacting. lol, or underreacting, as it were.

-"I want to still do business in M when I come back."  I think this rolls off the tongue odd. I'd reword it if possible.

-If it's so cold that her snot is freezing instantly, why would they be concerned about lakes? Surely they would be covered by several feet of ice.

-Ah, thermal lakes, it becomes clear

-Really good. I was intrigued the whole time. The dialogue was fluid, other than the one snippet mentioned, it all worked really well. Well done! I thought the interaction between S and Sam was on-point and the emotional impact landed well. 

The privacy fence

p1 - 

- "seen a Predator drone before."

p2 -

- redundancy regarding drone wedding gift

p4 -

- at this point the character dialogue is 'okay', but it feels really flat. I'm not getting a sense of life from the characters and the husband seems, hmm, incompetent? Not really sure what my impression is of him yet, but you can definitely tell who is in control in the relationship. It's sounding like an interesting concept so far. The dialogue just isn't pulling me in at all though.

p8 - 

- So far I think the characters are holding consistency. The dialogue between M/J and the neighbors felt much more natural and I felt like a got a better sense of M. On the second paragraph of this page you have two sentences that are virtually the same. You might be just driving home a point, but I thought it was unnecessary. I think either sentence does the work you're wanting well enough.

- "better things to do than stare"

p9 -

“Conservative estimate states they are" Either, estimates is part of an estimates organization, and should be capitalized, or it should be plural while states should be singular. Also, "there are" instead of "they are".
p10 -

I'm feeling the pace, but the tension isn't quite there for me. I don't understand why she should be reacting the way she is to the drones before she finds the pictures online. It seems like an overreaction. If she had discovered images of herself from drones, online first, then there would be more reason to act that way. I understand getting spooked, but running into your house like you're taking fire from militants seems a bit extreme to me. I think you need to define your stakes before that scene to give it the impact it deserves.
p11 -

If as a reader, if I had the information she'd just experienced online, before the scene outside, there would be so much more impact and tension. I'm not sure how you can swap those two around because it's kind of a chicken and the egg scenario. But honestly, having some sort of foreshadowing of those drones stalking her beforehand, and giving her some insight into what's happening, would allow the readers to appreciate the stakes that are involved. Before she sets down and sees the images, it all seems really over-reactive and non-sensical.
P14-
From all the descriptions we've had about Joe, this seems really out of character. It's like a 180 from his default passive, quiet self. Joe doesn't really have a voice in the first half of this short and it's in no way hinted that he has any kind of backbone. While his reaction makes sense, it's also inconsistent with his character up to this point.
P15-
I'm not sure about where this is going. I understand they're rural folks, but even rural folks who seem to be as young as they are, don't live under rocks. If there was a privacy issue of that magnitude happening I'd bet it'd be well known and documented.

The punch on the arm doesn't shout, a married couple, or a Joe that defends his wife. Maybe it's just their dynamic, but between myself and all my married friends, I've never seen that. I've seen a wife slap her husband's shoulder with the back of her hand in a playful manner, but when you say something like, "punched him lightly on the shoulder, it sounds like buddies, not a couple. You could maybe say, "Jerk." M leaned in with a smirk and nudged his shoulder with her fist. But it just reads really odd the way it is.

I went ahead just finished it to the end. The basement scene was odd. Again, her reaction and his reaction just didn't seem realistic or genuine. They must be ultra-gullible to let that dude just install his privacy gadgets. You had an interesting direction going, but it really left me wanting at the end. Why were the drones taking pictures? Was it truly a default mode? It would have maybe been more interesting if there were malicious motivations and some real reason why the drones seemed to be stalking her.

And like I mentioned above, if cell drones had this problem, then it would be all over news outlets and it would be well documented. They would know about it. It would be super easy to find on the internet. You didn't give us any real lead-in on how society views privacy until N came around with his gadgets. If you perhaps provided us with more info on that front, then it may help clarify and make sense out of some of the responses from the neighbors and N.

M and J have some really lovely banter, but they do seem a bit inconsistent. She seems like a really take-charge kinda gal, and he the passive pragmatic spouse, but they just didn't seem to have the right chemistry overall.

There is potential, but it needs work. I think you need to work on your ending. M seems competent, but then you have her acting erratic. J seems kind of aloof, but he has his moments. And the end just doesn't make sense to me. I like that you circle back to Arnie, but the solution to their problem doesn't work for me on a realistic level.

Hope this helped  

Quote

- I'm actually of the opposite mind - a lower competency makes a character more sympathetic, at least in my mind, unless he/she somehow uses that competency in a way the audience finds sympathetic.

I think this is true if you're in a situation where you're taking someone who is competent in one aspect and moving them into a situation where they are not as competent. In my original piece, R was incompetent almost to the point of stupidity, so I wanted to adjust that by showing/telling that he was competent in one area, like blacksmithing, but maybe not so competent in the area of smuggling or lawbreaking.
 

10 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

- I agree you've made the stakes more concrete, but I think it might be good to reinforce that. Try sprinkling in these memories of his old life and what's keeping him away through the story so readers can pick up on it easier.

 Good idea. I'll try to find little tid bits to drop here and there in a couple more places about his professional background and his desires/passion to continue that profession.

10 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

- Overall, it's a good story. The ending feels a bit abrupt and vague to me, but I think it's a good start. 

In the previous version, it was suggested that I may have been giving too much away at the end leaving the readers questioning where it came from, the magical aspect of it, so I tried to sort cut it at a point where it wasn't so advert that there was a magical presence involved, leaving that for that for the beginning of the next act. We'll see if it works well or not. I may have to change it back.

@rdpulfer Thank you for taking the time to read! I really appreciate it!

In this revision, I tried to slide the MC's competency slider a bit higher and by doing so I am hoping to also make him a bit more sympathetic.

I also tried increasing the stakes by giving him a more concrete background and need.

Let me know if these things worked well or didn't. 

Thank you for taking the time to read

I'd like to put my name in for next week as well.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

Ha-ha, lol, yes, I do this all the time, but... (a) your MC can be permitted to have a better memory than you!!; (b) you forgetting your coffee is not a matter of life and death, whereas his meeting seems to be close to it; (c) your primary purpose in the morning is to get to work, not remember your coffee. MC's main purpose is to sit at the right table - so it's his main task, not a secondary one.

I take your point about forgetfulness; it really is because it's the main thing he has to do.

Point taken, and wholly agree.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

I understand being offended by smugness. It would maybe have struck me less odd if he'd thought how he'd like to dump her on her c h u l l, wipe the smug smile off her face.

Ah yes, I was trying to find the right phrasing to make it sound more like an errant thought, but knowing it was just thought and not a valid course of action. thank you!
 

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

Yeah, I didn't really get that, because the priest seemed to totally know W was guilty. So, the priest was guilty too?

In a sense, yes. The overarching story has two plots and a couple of antagonists.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

It's that I want him to earn it somehow, not just be special at random. Peter Parker gets bitten by a spider. Iron Man gets blown up. The Fantastic Four get irradiated with cosmic energy. It's why I never liked Superman, and I think it's why all those other people who don't like Superman don't like him. He's just naturally super - it's really, really boring. If there's something weird about him, I'd like a trail of tiny tell-tales right through before he starts transforming. How you tune those to not make them too obvious, but make the reader go 'Darn, I thought there was something strange going on...' is all part of the joy of writing. You dropped one with the old blind man looking at him, I presume? I almost commented on that being done before. You could make it a blind young child instead, for example; or a blind dog. Anyway, those little clues... maybe there were others I didn't spot.

I see your meaning now. I will work on this throughout the first act to see if I can't improve upon it. His abilities are innate, but I wanted to get across that it was his pain and suffering, both the pain from the pyre, being burned, and the sense of betrayal of W, the realization that W never intended to help him, that finally unlocked those innate abilities. I'll try to do this better in my revision.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I almost wish you hadn't mentioned this was from a DND game. You did a good job of explaining the unfamiliar terms in the text, and I didn't really need the background on the world ( and if I had needed the info, it should have been in the text anyway ).  Role-play games are a great source for story ideas, but the trouble with with them is that what sounds good aloud around the gaming table and on a character sheet often sounds hackneyed, random, and even problematic when written into a narrative format. It often takes a substantial amount of massaging to turn character sheets into characters and encounters into story beats.  Even then, savvy readers can often "hear dice rolling in the background," as a friend used to say. How many dice before it becomes intolerable is a matter of preference (I can handle a good deal more than my friend could, for example)!

LOL, yeah, sorry

It was supposed to be a simple story origin with just a few paragraphs, but I decided to have a little fun with it. I'm not really sticking to the DnD standards, instead, I'm letting the character's and story go where it wants, so I'm taking some liberties with it instead of keeping it strictly in the realm of DnD class system/combat realism.

13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

That katana. I wonder at the use of a katana rather than any other kind of sword, since katanas invite all kinds of samurai, ninja, and weird oriental fetishistic tropes that seem to have very little to do with the rest of the setting or story.  Mentioning a katana also implies the character has the highly specific knowledge needed to actually use it, which doesn't seem to fit with what else we know about him so far. There are plenty of other types of swords he could covet that would be more in line with the European-ish fantasy setting and more in keeping with the character's perceived class and social status. 

 I'll fix this. I'll shamelessly admit I just love the look of Katana's for their cool factor, but as it's been pointed out as not being a good enough reason for legitimate use. I do love Japanese culture, I'm a huge Anime nerd, but I clearly need to do more research and setup a reason as to why I would include the culture in this particular story if I am to do so. It wouldn't be Japanese per-say, if I did, but it would be similar, and obvious. I'm not sure how to make that work, but maybe I'll be brave enough to give it a real try at some point.

I definitely want, and need, to do more research on how to properly include different cultures into my writing. I think it's so easy to do off-hand'ishly because of growing up in America, in my generation, where everything is just kind of a melting pot of cultures, and appropriation has already happened and so it's just become kind of an acceptable norm. Especially with the internet. It's easy to pull from other cultures without regard to the development or significance.

14 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

If this is part of a larger work, it might be better to end at the burning since it's a good chapter-end cliffhanger, and pick up the next chapter with an explanation of why he's not dead.

I will give this some thought for sure. It is the first act of a five act short series, so maybe I just chose to end the first act in the wrong place.

11 hours ago, kais said:

YES. I'm hanging my hopes on her being the lead secondary character, or another POV character.

Sounds like I'm going to need to make sure she's included haha

11 hours ago, kais said:

- page five: 'worked his way inside figure'? What does that mean?

Maybe I'll to reword this. When I draw i typically start with a really light outline of the figure i'm drawing, to get proportions, and then i may embolden a few lines before working inside the light silhouette and fleshing out the details, shading, and highlights.

Thanks for the great feedback @kais and @industrialistDragon!