kais

Overall Reasonable arc in this version, although I think it could be a little stronger. My main concern with it right now is how many POVs there are. I was confused with all the names being thrown at me, and think I'd need to read the chapter several times to remember or figure out how the stuff at the beginning tied into the stuff at the back. I'd suggest one, maybe two POVs, and see if you can deliver all the material through them. Maybe overhearing phone calls? Stolen videos from computers? But much improved! If you are making a lesbian love triangle, I am down for it. It's a rare thing, especially outside lesfic. As I go - I know I harp on this a lot, so I won't go into the 'let us have a few chapters with one POV before switching' again. I am grumpy to not have a follow up to the excellent first chapter, because I loved it so much, and I want more!! - page four: blink blink. Ah yes, the ole washroom. Okay, you have my attention again. - page five: In the pejorative use of the word, it's 'dyke,' not 'dike'. But of course, now proudly reclaimed. - page seven: ah, I was wondering which of the options you'd take on the rewrite of the blowjob. Very nice. I approve. - page eight: are you... are you setting up a lesbian love triangle in this chapter? I most definitely did not see that coming - page eight: urp though, on the 'deciding to be bi'. You don't 'decide to be straight,' so likewise you don't just decide queerness, either. Unless you're trying to point out that she's not really queer. Better phrasing: decided to embrace being bi, decided to experiment with women, decided to ignore labels and bang whatever she wanted, etc. - page ten: reminder, Latin goes in italics for genus and species names

I think so? I'll update when I know more!

I like the story idea, for sure. I like the MC better this time around than I did before, but I think it's...maybe the pacing? Maybe a bit the pacing and a bit the MC? Let's give it a few more chapters and I can tell you more.

Alright, let's do this! Overall Loved it! Few comments per below, but generally, I found it snappy, engaging, and M as charming as ever. Nice work! As I go - page two: LOL at 'wintery hell'. Feels very authentic! - page three: dying about Canada being colder than the moon! Tell M to never go to upper Michigan or Minnesota! - page four: rabbit tickling grave with a feather? Is this a figure of speech? - page five: It should be Homo sapiens, not Homo Sapiens. - on behalf of ecologists everywhere, thank you for pointing out that wolves are not the 'bad guys' - page six: that is some impressive math in the comment there - page six: I LOVE M! - page eight: I thought Q was more in tune with his bisexual-leanings? Him thinking about having a type being ridiculous threw me a little - the ending.... can't...stop...laughing...

I know I've been kind of absent recently. Sorry all! Trying to get through these last editorial revisions for book three so we can go to copy! ETA: OH! And book one is going to be an audiobook! I got to hear the first fifteen minutes this last week and OMG it was great!

Overall Good pacing and still a very engaging story line! The ages of the characters seems a little off to me, and confusing, but otherwise I am very much enjoying this, and this this is a very compelling first chapter thus far. Well done! I think it depends on who she is as a person. Some women think about those things. Some don't. You have to decide whether marriage / children is a priority for this character, and whether societal pressure matters in this regard. Disagreeing with our dear @Robinski here (sorry!). I actually really enjoyed the relationship part, although that did age our protag down a bit for me. But I thought it made the scene more interesting, and gave me more of a feel for our protag. As I go - page eight: a few stray typos about, just FYI - Your friendly neighborhood science nerd is concerned for the health of our protag if she is burning cedar - page ten: typos definitely increasing. You might consider reading the text outlaid before submitting, to help catch the missed words and such - page 11: She cast a sideways glance at Lewis - the young man she had looked after as a boy. <-- this makes it sound like she had been watching him since SHE was a boy, which I assume is not what you meant? Although didn't it say earlier that he was older than her? I'm confused on ages

Reading this one first this time! Overall Not a lot of comments on this one. I liked the end a lot, with the flare up of the SB, and the ending! A few stray typos, but otherwise, chugging along. I'm still having a hard time investing, but again, I think that's more that I don't generally read mysteries. Writing was smooth! As I go - slashed with cooking knives? Harsh - page three: saying the 'he didn't struggle' out loud seems redundant, since they've already talked about it twice. - page four: what's the timeline here? I'd assume the secretary has now found the first body and the police are after our protag? - page nine: you have a typo where 'dep' should be 'deep', I think - page 11: oooh, the ending is excellent!

Getting in just under the wire here... Overall Strong start, but still a bit too long in the office, I think. Purpose and through line were much better established this time around, and I liked getting the extra info on what the titles mean and the bits of worldbuilding. I think it probably needs another pass or two for tightening, but it's much better than last time! Your Questions I am not connecting to M, but I now understand his motivations a lot better. I don't know if I necessarily need to connect with him in chapter one, rather, I just need to find him interesting, which I do. Pace, as I noted below, lags in the room, but picks up once M leaves. Explanations were a lot better, and the worldbuilding seemed more concrete this time. Challenge and stakes are both better, and stakes much more clearly defined. Right now it reads like a mystery, but I could see it skimming into suspense if you build it right! How did con sales go? Tell us all the details! As I go - Really strong opening paragraph! - page one: ta-ble? Was this purposeful? Same with page two 'be-fore' and on page six: 'en-gagement' and 'develop-ment'. Since I just found another on page ten I'm assuming these were done on purpose? - page three: the why of M doing the investigation is a lot clearer to me now. I feel like there is more purpose this time around - page five: so I know what a System-B is from reading the series, but I don't think they've been described enough in this chapter for a new reader. Since they're the crux of the investigation, you might need a bit more on them and their importance - page seven: while I'm much more invested this time around, I'm starting to get bored here. But I think this is more to do with the mystery style of writing. I've never been a big fan of Sherlock Holmes or mysteries, so this may be just more of a taste thing than anything else. - It picks back up again around page twelve, when M leaves the room and starts interacting with people - page fifteen: no genitals at all, or just no external genitals? Do they reproduce through budding?

Hi! Welcome to RE! Way to take that first step! Overall Strong start and middle. The end unwound, I thought, and needs some tightening. I wasn't a fan of of the almost-fridge trope at all, and I think that soured the rest of the story for me. But your writing is generally very easy to read and enjoyable. It's great to have you on the board! I also had this issue As I go - page three: very smooth and I was completely engaged until L asks the man to teach her to time travel. I can't believe he's never been asked that before. Might need better lead up to this, because I have a hard time suspending disbelief here - page four: oh no. My fridge sense is tingling - Skirted the trope, but just barely. For more information on Women in Refrigerators, click here.

Overall I agree with @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon. There's a story in here, it's just buried in pastoral scenes and confusing info-dump backstories that aren't yet well interwoven. Keep at it! You'll get a feel for how to trim the fat from this sort of narrative in time. As I go - opening lacks a punch. The advice I've always been given is to start and end your chapters with a hook, in order to keep the reader interested and moving through the story. A statement of time passing isn't particularly engaging (for me). - first paragraph seems mostly like an info dump - page two: I've run across a number of typos thus far. Try reading your chapters out loud to yourself before subbing. You'll catch a lot more typos that way - page three: we're told three times in one paragraph that B speaks quickly - page five: I'm starting to skim. It's hard to stay interested when nothing seems to really be happening. Some type of conflict (it doesn't have to be violent!) would really help. - page 12: I think the story actually starts here, with the mention of family secret powers. I'm much more interested now

Overall I thought it was fairly well written, but lacked buy-in to the characters. I was also unsure of the chapter arc, although that may be more to do with it only being a half chapter. Still, the start seems to wander a bit. The world seems to be shaping up nicely, so I'm interested to see where it goes. These are exactly my thoughts. The secondary world and characters are very interesting, but the protag is not yet. However I'm in no way turned off, so willing to give it more time for sure. As I go - strong opening! - the 'unseen rivulet' sentence is pretty adjective heavy - WRS? I feel like I don't know enough about W or this creature to be invested in this chapter yet or what is going on (page 3) - page 4: suspension of disbelief issues - are they riding a deer or a moose? Cause if it's a deer it has to be giant - page 5: if W is allowed in the forest, why does F remind her of the rules? - page 6: the info about W's foundling nature might be better served earlier, to give context to events. It's the first time I've really connected with the character and at this point I'm starting to feel like I'm finding my footing in the story - page nine: *has deep reaction to cedar being burned in a fireplace* - page nine: also has relevant backstory that would have been nicer earlier, to further ground the reader in the story -

I'm good either way. I like Q and M so much that I don't mind rereading at all.

Draft zero. Please abbreviate all proper nouns. All comments much appreciated, especially related to the ending. This is the last character background short, so it would be nice to know if it sets up book one well.

Aheh... So...have them sleep-deprived, in a windowless room with too many desks, drinking a caffeinated beverage and arguing about fundamentally the same thing, just using progressively bigger and bigger words until they babble into the nonsensical. Bonus points if someone with less experience comes in ('the undergrad') and points to the solution in their sophomore level textbook. My experience is that grad students often get lost in the weeds. They have the ability to go more in-depth, but they don't necessarily have the ability to contextualize everything they're reading just yet. Often the solutions they need are very simple, and they've overlooked them because of the simplicity.

I'd like to sub Monday, pending space

Aww, we missed you, too! Overall I loved this. I'm devoutly religious but also very aware of the insular nature of the religious, and this was a very well constructed piece. It had some lag in the middle, and the end was broadcasted perhaps a bit too early, but overall I thought this packed a good punch and was very engaging. Not a lot to add except nice work! As I go - looking out at the docks isn't the strongest of cold opens - page two: wood nerd alert! Stain on a ship, especially in salt water, would not last long - page three: if she didn't intend to kill anyone, why threaten? If they call her bluff she looses all credibility - page five: I'm enjoying the language translation issues a lot. I speak a number of languages and these really hit true to form - page thirteen: the narrative is wandering through here. It's hard not to skim, as I keep looking for the through-line. The conflict is relatively clear, but I'm still not sure what the purpose is, and I don't have much, if any, empathy for our MC. I'm very interested in the barbarian woman though - page 17: how did L write the number 2,000 in her book if they can only count to 14?

Particularly interested in if the temperament changes make more sense this time, and if I stick the landing on the ending. Thanks all!

If you could leave a review when you're done, even if you hate it, I would really REALLY appreciate it! Also thanks for giving it a try!

@toomsta sure thing! The first one is on sale right now too, if you get ebook, so bonus! Keep in mind that the one I've been subbing through here is actually a prequel, so the published ones are about 15-20 years after this. Book one and book two. Book three comes out in June and I don't have any links for it yet. Thank you for reading! I appreciate all feedback, even when short and sweet.

I think it was closer to two, but yesterday I was in some magical dimension. I wrote 7000 words! I mean, they're probably mostly garbage but still! That's an easy enough fix. This actually might be a fine way to showcase what @Mandamon noted, too, in actually seeing how the peace thing works. Will add! Nope! And even with all the research out there on it, and despite a cedar sculpture taking out like half the FBI a few years ago, it's use persists. It's natural, don't you know? And natural things never hurt us. Hemlock is also completely fine. This is definitely one of the more frustrating aspects of my IRL job. I had to break the news to someone this week that the camphor essential oil they love so much, that gets put in all those rubs and vaporizers and things to help open sinuses during a cold, is actually pretty nasty and the smell alone can kill infants. Ingest it (say, from a camphor tree cutting board), and if you get enough, or if you're a kid, chances are good you'll start vomiting. Keep it up and you end in a coma. Wood is a vicious, vicious material. That was more than you ever wanted to know. Apologies. I've put something in to address this issue, now. To clarify (since I won't sub this section again, likely), I'm going to clarify that it's just violent crime that is being stamped out at this stage. Full peace comes another decade or so later, which is where the books start. I'll need to lay out somewhere the difference with petty crime though, like jaywalking or a kid lifting a candy bar, and that intent matters (there's actually a kicker in the first book that deals with intent, I think...unless it got cut in edits). Hrm. Have to think the best place for this. Thank you for the follow up!

4000 words later... we now have a full short dealing with this! It actually turned out really well and I think, for new readers who start with this book, will fill in a lot of gaps. Thanks for keeping on me about this, everyone!

I'd like to sub on Monday as well, pending space

You did, and for some reason it never got changed. Urp! Old decay smells different than new decay... this is the microbiologist in me. Is it too confusing? I've actually been working with a few Polish people who grew up in Poland during the 1980s for this part, and they always say 'condo'. I think the deal is that they all had pretty crappy housing, and the condos were the nicer things you could get via lottery. Edited this sentence due to my grammar fail Typo. Definitely a typo It's in yellow because it's not meant to stay there. It's a dating placeholder for me. No.... should I? (is admitting this going to be like the time I admitted to never having read any of the LofR books?) Edited! The Buran, specifically, from what I read, had a ton of metal in it. In my mind it was stored improperly for years and moisture got in, but it's just as easy to say 'old metal'. I swear, English is my first language. Well woohoo! Yes. The -- breaks are meant as small time jumps. Think I should make that clearer? He's stealing the shuttle, but it's just the cutting of the trees that's illegal. Moving them isn't and once they're down, it's impossible to know if they were illegally logged. This is actually a real issue across the world right now. Most tropical woods are illegally logged but companies who source them get told 'oh no no, we took this from a plantation,' and then you, the consumer, get told the wood is from a plantation or something, when really it was part of a rainforest. Which is clearly WAY more background than most readers would have so...how much of a snag is this? Should I try to explain or just leave it? I'll try to clarify this. The scent from cedar is toxic, so I thought maybe someone might want to weaponize it... Apologies on this. There is a timeline that goes with the books, and will go with this one, that notes that yes, in fact, no one has broken the law in several years. The Systems are at absolute peace. And it is creepy! Edited! It's so deliciously awkward! check! bah, I never mind some suggestions like this! Thank you! Very thorough, as always, and much appreciated! Thank you @Robinski!

So, how irritating is this? I was trying to set up the frustrating nature of sudden peace, which gets then dealt with more in the first book of the series. Will it be off-putting if this book never really deals with the peace issue? Although I suppose I could make it the story arc of the 'one year later' novella at the end. Would that work do you think? I'm at a complete loss here, on how to deal with this. I could add a segment where he interacts with someone and they are just very polite when Y is threatening violence, but I fear that would bog down the short. I was hoping to showcase the galactic peace idea more in N's shorts, but maybe that's too late? I don't know. I have to stew on this for a bit. check! Thank you for the feedback! But you're okay waiting a bit for that answer, yes? Things I have learned from writing the Ard series--humans have very strong feelings about shoes. What started as a throwaway joke seems to be a major stumbling block when called out directly. It has to stay, because it's already canon, but I'll think on how to better explain it. If you're getting to this from just this short, I am very pleased. This is exactly what I want insinuated! Woohoo! Thanks for the feedback, @Asmodemon! This is a huge deal for me, since you came into the book cold. Thank you! Seems like opening with Y instead of N will help ground new readers a lot more. Fair. My apologies on this. There will be a proper timeline in the book, and right now I haven't decided what year to make this chapter, aside from it being much earlier than the others. For this short, I wanted Y somewhere in his mid 40s. When the first book takes place, he is in his 70s, pushing 80. Hoorah! double hoorah! It's something that could be edited in. The ship specs directly relate to this story. The ship's interior and makeup get completely glossed over in the trilogy, because it's not super relevant, but this is the place to put it in if it is something that would intrigue. Unfortunately, the Buran was a tiny ship, and never meant to carry people, so I'm somewhat limited in what I can talk about. Will expand where I can, though! Err... handwavium? Will edit. Can I get a pass if I bring up that George Lucas was adamant that there was no underwear in space (and therefore Carrie Fisher wasn't allowed to wear bras in A New Hope), so it's not any more ludicrous to not have footwear in space? No? Argh. Could you elaborate? Do you want Y to be more interested in the Ris? Thank you for the feedback!!

I really enjoyed this!