kais

I am here. I am ready. I have my shipping hat on. May the huntress be everything I hope for. Overall Generally, very nice! I had some impact/buy in issues with the council, but I think a bit of rearranging would fix that just fine. Like @Mandamon, I have some questions about the ending line about pretending to feel, and how it goes will definitely affect how I feel about the protag. I don't much mind if she is stringing him along romantically (I don't like it, but I can understand it), but if she's stringing him along for friendship, that turns her into unlikable for me, and I'll have a somewhat (though not insurmountable) time getting over it. Keep subbing, please! As I go - page one: assuming you meant beginnings OF a blister? - this idle toying with the blister and popping it is really engaging. I'm very here for this - page two: training with THE huntress, unless you want to capitalize huntress. Also please, PLEASE start training with the huntress. - voice as soft as swan feathers is excellent imagery - page three: spun, not span. Same line you have a 'the' instead of 'then' - page five: WRS likely, but there are a lot of names now and I don't remember who most of the people are - page six: I'm having a hard time with the buy-in on why they won't let her be a hunter. Yes, her origin is mysterious, but I'm not getting a sense of real fear or urgency from the elders here. If they don't really trust her, wouldn't letting her go into the woods and maybe die potentially help them, since if she's dead, she can't rain destruction on the village and whatnot if she has some mysterious dark power? - page seven: okay so we get a bit more background here, but I'm still sort of on the fence with the explanation - page ten: a lot of being told that people are concerned on this page - page thirteen: the fab girl explanation is very helpful! Might need this more spelled out, earlier, to help with the council meeting impact - page fourteen: wait, she doesn't consider him a friend? Or are you insinuating that he likes her as more than a friend, and she likes him only as a friend? Might want to clarify. I mean, I'm totally pulling for protag x huntress, obvs, but like, friends are important too, even puppy love ones.

First drafts are always problematic. My drafts aren't usually any good until draft six or seven. Revision is the key to most success in writing. Keep at it, and don't get discouraged. We're here to help!

Overall I don't actually see too much of an issue with dialogue. It's a bit stilted, but that will come along with editing and practice. I had more of an issue with motivation and buy-in (which are all common new writer problems, so no big worries there). Comments below. I think it has a reasonable start to a narrative, but you'll need to figure out what makes your character, and his journey, special. There are many, many narratives with the young outcast boy going off and seeking his fortune. What is different about your boy? What is the hook? OTOH, if you're just writing for you, or for the sheer enjoyment, then the only thing that really matters is that the story hooks you, and makes you happy. If you could give us an idea if you're writing for yourself, or writing with the desire to eventually publish, that would be very helpful and would help us direct our critiques in the best direction. Keep at it! As I go - page one: possessive 'its' does not use an apostrophe - taught is a tense of 'to teach' - page two has a number of run-on sentences - page three: it's hard to stay interested in the narrative, since I don't know a thing about the narrator, nor do I have any real sense of stakes. I also will likely have numerous questions about the gender balance of this narrative in the not too distant future - page four: are none of the islanders, men? - page four: protag doesn't seem that concerned with death. His lack of caring makes it hard to get invested into the narrative. I need to feel fear, or angst, or some other strong emotion - page five: doesn't the boy showing the guy where best to go and not be seen sort of screw everyone else on the island? Why is the protag so willing to sell everyone else out? - page eight: I've got name fatigue now, I'm afraid. Too many new names and places being thrown about. I won't be able to keep them straight - page ten: this feels like the middle of a book, not the start. There is so much political maneuvering and so many names and matter of factness... I just can't seem to put the pieces together. I need more investment in the protag before I want to read any of this. It's all just sort of in one ear, out the other without that all important buy-in - page 11: he gets into the army pretty easily... it strikes me as odd - page 14: here we finally get the boy's motivations! Which is good, since apparently he's fine with a bunch of innocent people being murdered...

Glad midterms are done! Welcome back! Overall Is this the middle section of a chapter, or the end? If it's the end, it doesn't feel like the end of a short arc. I'd suggest a better ending line or sequence. Generally though, the narrative had a lot of tell and not show, and also tell and then show. I don't have any issues with the story line itself, more the delivery of said story. I think that will come along though, with editing and patience. The bones are good, but the fillers need some work. As I go - page two: right now, I feel like I'm being told a lot of things, and not shown much at all - page four: if she can speak to animals, why not just have the horses throw the riders and trample them?? - page five: also, why doesn't she command the horses to not run? - page five: I don't understand the horse being too loyal to listen. I need more on horses, or how these horses interact with their riders, or the riders' control of the horses, to buy this. Right now it seems plot convenient. Magic systems work best with rules, and it's worth it to explain them at the start to avoid reader confusion - page five: also don't understand the not eating meat parallel to eating a servant. Dogs can communicate, and plenty of cultures eat them. Fungi can communicate, and most cultures eat them. I'm unsure what communication ability has to do with dinner - page 7: the backstory comes off really info dumpy. It might be worth investigating other ways to deliver that information, such as slowly through piecemeal dialogue, through chapter kickers, interludes, etc - chapter doesn't feel like it has an ending

Overall I think I'm suffering from WRS. The ending seems like it should be a big impact, but I can't remember enough about the characters to remember who might have hit the pixie. Mysteries with clues might be better served with a straight read through? I don't know. Flow wise this went just fine, and was an easy read. I was engaged with it, and enjoyed their time at the house of the religious couple. I like that we found the pixie, and that there is something afoot! I just can't remember enough to speculate on who it is! As I go - page three: purple heart shoutout! - page six: I'm a little disappointed our protags aren't heading down into the toilet. I've spent my fair share of time with pit toilets, and just... they're narrative gold (and brown, of course)

G for gore Chapter two, which used to be the end bits of chapter one. I have deep reservations about whether or not this works as a stand alone chapter, and need all the advice. Changes since last chapter - I have experimentally moved S’s age down to 17. Please read with a 17 year old protag in mind, and let me know if the actions seem too old/young or inconsistent. Please abbreviate all proper nouns Thanks everyone!

No worries! NONE of that is being changed. I was charged with just two things- fix the pacing in the middle of the book (which we all knew was an issue, but I thought I had fixed it and apparently not enough) and S's age inconsistencies. So while dialogue/reactions may change somewhat, I won't be taking out the sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, as it were.

Oh I know they are. I was thinking more along the lines of the longevity of the relationship, in that I was thinking of it more long term than exploratory. But then again, most 17 year olds think their love is forever so maybe it still works just fine!

My only concern with going this far back is how I'd like the relationship to progress later. I realize this is alt-reality 1700s, but 17 years old seems sort of... young? Young for what I was going for with M? I guess that's more of what I need input on! There's a big maturity gap between 17 and 19, at least in my experience, but too the whole issue with the book is the inconsistency in voice age of S. Clearly I need help. The readers have spoken! Added in, and early, too, along with the combustibility of the solvent. Thank you for the feedback!

Thank you, @Mandamon, for the LBLs! I note later on that declaring happens at 12, so 19 should still be very, very old for guilding. I wonder if I should mention it earlier? Yes, this is also my concern. Guess we'll find out! I did do some edits to it to maybe help it, but I don't know if its enough. It's short, that's for sure. Thank you again! I appreciate you taking the time to read this piece. As a note on critique, generally the board works best if people crit most of what comes through, whether or not they are interested in it. We all need feedback, and sometimes feedback from those who are the least interested in the narrative is the most helpful. Hmm, I might need to move this earlier, it seems. Guilding happens at 12. Thoughts on whether that should just be stated in the first chapter?

Overall Well, I'm in. Sign me up and get me a 'ship t-shirt. Here's hoping the signs are not misleading and we'll have some f/f romance! Otherwise, I'm moderately invested in the world. I did think this chapter could be condensed quite a bit. It wanders in places, although the meat is good. Just fat trimming, I think, and it will be pretty solid. I'm actually really clear on W's motivations, so this wasn't an issue for me. *headdesk* But being after a woman doesn't qualify as being interesting? Can I be your androgynous drummer? As I go - page 12: "I'll at the pens..." assume a missing 'be' - I'm shipping team W x Hunter - page fifteen: *sigh* Ah, how true, the whole 'have to be better than every guy just to be allowed to do something' thing really resonated - page eighteen: yup, shipping huntress and W hard. - page nineteen: yes yes, tell us how beautiful she is... more descriptors.... - page twenty: o_O I AM SO HERE FOR THIS - 21: yes, what would the huntress want with her if the elders said no? BWAHAHAHAHA

Also in for the 19th, pending space.

Half chapter. Check. Overall Sentence wise and such, it's just fine. I had a hard time in the middle, and felt like everything was dragging, but M seeing his childhood home reinvested me. For me, a reader outside this genre, I think I need more touchstones to stay interested. But a mystery reader might not. I am unsure what that group looks for in a book. I thought the half chapter ended on a good beat, and I would definitely keep reading! As I go - kicker: there's a short here, somewhere. Separating children from families must encourage families to hide their gifted kids. I don't care how well thought of magi are, I'd never consent to having my kid taken from me before they were college age (well, maybe a little earlier, if puberty was rough...) - page two: do we ever run into a pixie who isn't mischievous or irritating? I can't remember - page seven: this may be my unfamiliarity with the mystery genre, but I'm not getting a lot of tension through here. I feel like we're on a journey where I'm being fed information, but I've lost the stakes and buy-in. This could also just be WRS - page nine: engaged again, with M's memories - wait, how long ago did his family die? I feel like lawn divots repair themselves within several weeks, don't they? - still invested here by the end

Overall This should definitely be chapter two! It's a good follow up to chapter one, and keeps us invested in the Q/M storyline. It does wander a bit still, and though it has an arc, the arc is a bit weak. It might help for them to gather some more concrete clues or something while milling about town, as right now it appears a bit aimless. As always however, M is brilliant and I enjoyed Q as well. The wandering of this chapter wouldn't be enough for me to put the book down, especially with the strength of chapter one, but it might be enough to get an agent to put it down if they were just doing a first 50 pages read through. I agree with this. Not too much concerned about the gender difference. Pointing out the foppery, on the other hand, is very amusing. It'd be neat to see Q stutter around this, maybe deny it, then look down at some designer something or other of his and have a 'maybe, but so what?' thought. Nice work! As I go - Not today, metal-heads! - YES to the Lovecraft t-shirt! - part of me is going with the cricket ladies, regardless of where the plot goes - I remain upset that we don't get to hang out with the androgynous professor - the transition from the letter to the recap of the phone conversation is abrupt and I had to reread a few times to figure out what had happened. Might need a transition sentence or two - page fourteen: starting to wonder if the plot will find us again

G = mild gore Hokay, here we go again with this. I'm turning this adult manuscript into YA, and dealing with some pacing issues. For this chapter, I only need feedback on three things: 1) typos—did you see any? 2) age—does the way S acts line up with a nineteen year old age? The agent suggested sixteen or seventeen, but I’ll have a hard time with the rest of the book if I go that low. I could maybe do eighteen, but it depends on the tone in this first chapter. I really need to know if lowering the age from 25 to 19 helped to match S’s actions, or if I need to go lower still. 3) does this chapter feel like a complete narrative arc? YA chapters are shorter than adult, so I have to split some chapter up, and I don’t want the narrative to get weird because of it. Please abbreviate all proper nouns. This manuscript is out on a number of fulls, and I'd like to keep this work low-key. Thank you all!

LOL, thanks! This was an interesting place to jump in, because while this is space opera, it's neither YA nor whimsical. This short definitely is though, so at least the tone is correct. Fair. It's on the nose on purpose, but is really on the nose if this is the only thing in world you've read. Unsure. They're teens. Is this really out of place? I'll have to mull this. Good call. I may need to revisit the dialogue here in the next pass. The M's tone wasn't planned in drafting. Yes, but it's a book plot thing. Oh Y is alllll trope. Hmm. Okay. Editing. Yup. Redundant. Will edit. Will revisit Thank you! Sorry about this. This is about a quarter of the way into the fourth book in a series. Definitely lacking larger descriptors. I'll see if I can put in a few more items earlier on. Thank you so much for the feedback!

Argh! I am SO BEHIND! Life is just... ugh. I dislike juggling two careers. Anyway, on to addressing comments! LOL! I kind of love this. Good call. Easy fix. Er... she's mad because she's a side character with no actual arc? Check. Cutting now I was working off the idea that they were the butt of jokes. The N planet probably has the strongest economy of anyone, but they just don't do anything except stare all moon-eyed at the sky and wait for A to return. Good point! Argh. Because I forgot the back end of the joke. Correct. Changing this. Good call. Thank you, as always!

If there is space, I'd like a spot for the 12th.

Sign. Me. Up. I also volunteer as collaborative tribute. This must now happen.

Just from subbing! I didn’t do Pitmad. Too much else going on right now. I am so overwhelmed in my writer life!

So I...maybe just got my first R&R on TWD!! Of course that means I'll have to sub it through here again to work out all the typos I'll introduce... you all can take it, right??

Oh look! I'm getting to this before Sunday! HOORAH! Overall I enjoyed this! A bit more backstory on M and a strong ending made this a really fun chapter for me. SB chaos is always fun, too. Nice work! Only a few comments, per below. As I go - this is just an idle thought, but in the kicker about the SBs, sex robots just kept coming to mind and now I wonder what the Nether has in terms of sex work. I feel like there's a whollllllle section we never get to learn about that is just ripe for a book or two. Or me writing fan fiction. (Maybe definitely fan fiction) - This line just seems out of place: We had all been circling it, deactivating the simpler System Beats. And also typo on beasts, I think? - page ten: the family death thing is the first real buy-in area I've had for M. I'd really like more on this, specifically on how his invention killed them. I'd also love to see more callbacks to the family earlier, because it gives me a lot of sympathy for M, and therefore, more story buy-in - solid ending!

Welcome to RE! Unsure how best to help, and @industrialistDragon has thoroughly covered what I thought might also be helpful. I agree that varying the dialogue tags will help quite a bit, as will making sure you include them more often than not. Keep at it!

This is definitely a lot better! Well done on the revisions. I don't have any comments, really, except the the ending could be just a bit snappier (to draw readers into wanting to read chapter two). But that's something you can look at fixing in later drafts. Nice work!

If anyone wants to jump into the ring, PitMad is coming up this week! Could be a good chance to find an agent!