kais

Overall As much as I personally want to know more about the walls, I'm not sure how gripping this would be for readers outside of the world (especially new MG readers). The MC doesn't really do much this chapter, and most of the events happen around her(?). I'd like to see her do more in the balloon during the trip to really hook me into the story, as well as more emotions about what they're likely to find. As I go - at least someone cares about where the canisters go! - end of page one: suggest cutting the trying to show him with her eyes, and the line about the darling, and swapping it with an eye roll and some fists clenched, then maybe looking down at her crotch (or something akin). Kids don't have the same issues with social stuff regarding genitals, especially when it comes to peeing. OR maybe she could just say, too loudly, "I HAVE TO PEE!" Which would also be appropriate - HAHA love the line before the section break! - I wouldn't line another line or two describing the specifics around the competitor being jailed - page four: I think the conversation in the above pages would work better if the girl found it on some parchment (the relevant info) from snooping or something. Right now she's just really passive, and I'd like to see her drive the narrative a bit more - page ten: probably WRS, but I'm having a hard time getting excited for reaching the wall. I don't really get a sense of excitement from the girl, either, until the last line in this section - page fifteen: so...is no one concerned with destabilizing the walls of the Net?? - confused about the 'don't call me girl.' She seems too young to demand being called woman (she's 10? 11?). Is she nonbinary? I thought she self-identified in chapter one as female, or at least, didn't react to female pronouns? I'm confused and I apologize if I assumed. It seems like this isn't age related though, since she didn't react to the 'little one' comment one page one, which I would think would rankle more than 'girl'. - page 18 and silly girl comment: I'm confused here. Was she just chastised?

Okay, redundancy addressed! Moving on! I cleaned up the dialogue so its more clear what he's talking about Because I forgot! Aheh... We know a bit due to movement of chapters. This is a good one, too! Sorry for the confusion! I need to stop mucking about in early chapters! Agreed. I've tried to clean it and I cut a lot of the redundancy out. Hopefully this week's chapter reads smoother. Thank you for plodding through!

No worries! I did a number of other edits to Ch1 aside from the bit I sent, to really hammer home the desire to get away, so I think it reads alright in the whole, if not the partial. I think it's the missing bits of chapter one coming into play now, but will revisit. I deleted this. Sorry! It's not just WRS, but the multiple rewrites. S goes to the guildhall next chapter now. Will rethink. Will clean up. More later... fight scene with tree is taking more time than I thought!

Right? M is definitely a 'shut up and just do it' kind of person. Sorry, this is in edits I didn't submit back through. S determines in an earlier chapter that Mother is clearly late because the guild grandmaster, so it would make sense for her to now be running the guild. Or at least, makes sense in S logic. Yes, it's due to the earlier changes. Chapter before ended on a great deal of urgency with finding Mother to get the permission so S could start life, already! All the chapters have alchemical titles. Salt is for base matter or body, and in this chapter S has to deal with the change in body and 'base matter' between S and M. Or at least that's what I told myself in my head. They're there. You're right. I'll clarify. In early early versions S actually spoke with the guards and M never went to the guildhall, but I've changed things around a lot. I hope this gets dealt with next chapter (this chapter and the next used to be one chapter, but I split it due to YA having generally shorter chapters). Good point. Logic and all that. Will edit. Solid point, again. Will edit No, it's a slower reveal throughout the book, but starts being hit on next chapter. This is all correct, and I think it really comes out as the book progresses, that the decisions S's mom made might have been well intentioned, but were inevitably destructive. Yes. Next chapter should answer that very well. Thank you so much for the feedback! Always great to see you popping around the boards.

Haha! Look at me, being all on top of this for once! (Really, it's just to keep me from obsessively stalking the AW forum for AR updates). I switched around some of the interludes and info around the earlier chapters. Sorry for that. Things keep getting shuffled. Ah. It's the very last sentence of the previous chapter. I suspect WRS. Check. Easy fix. Good point Not yet. They talk about it at the bar. Maaaaaagic. Or because the guild up and left when the grandmaster died and wanted to sell it to M, so it's all clean. Ah, the explanation is missing! Thanks for catching this! Actually, this line no longer works with how I have them interacting so I've cut it. I've got them a bit more antagonistic up front now, and S with more agency. I was hoping the busty bar maid in the next chapter explains that... Good call. Will edit. Thank you!

Continuing on. Same issues to look for: age appropriateness (S is 17), and pacing not dragging.Last Time: S accepts an alchemical apprenticeship on the condition of approval from S’s motherThis Time: S heads to the Woodcutter’s guildhall to get need permissions, but finds a childhood friend insteadNext Time: S and M reconnect in a bar Please abbreviate all proper nouns Thank you!

Hmm, I think I must not have explained the snippets well. Ch 3 is actually really short now- only 3K, as I cut out the woodshop scenes. But if it feels long, that's an issue Good call. Will clarify. Edited to indicate S knows exactly where S wants to go. Hah, yes, good point. Will clarify Argh, yes. Leftover bits. Thanks! Yes! Trying to raise competency this time around. Thank you! Hm. Maybe I should clarify the desire to not be seen, especially by villagers? I've streamlined this The text did say he was short, but I've changed this to 'very short,' to hopefully make it less stand out-ish. Thank you for the feedback!

I'm really glad the rewrite worked, even though once again I've changed it. Thank you for the feedback! No worries! I get delayed a lot during the week, too. Don't apologize. We can't like everything we read, and all opinions are useful in the critique process. Carry on! From comments below, this appears to be a recurrent issue that I have now dealt with by changing up the end to chapter one to give much firmer motivations. Aside from the side character in the market (who is just there to deliver info), only S is trans, and S is trans nonbinary, which is sort of the deliverable of the story. M is just a straight up lesbian. Thank you for the feedback! That can certainly be accomplished. Fair. Easy fix. Argh, okay. Will try to be more clear. And I've just hacked it up again, so hopefully it didn't get much rougher. Thank you for the comments! I was worried about the loss of worldbuilding, but I think I got it in the newest rewrite. Thank you for the LBLs! They were very helpful, as always. Sorry for being so late on response, everyone! Life and such. Ugh.

I'm in for Monday

Better late than never? Overall The aging up really helped, and I really enjoyed the girl this time around. The first two pages were a little choppy still, but after that I had no issue settling into the narrative. Ready for the next part! I do. I assume a MG reader would. Oooh, much better now, and more consistent. Adventure with mom should be an easy sell for young girls, but there's no reason to think other genders wouldn't also find it appeal. The girl isn't hyper feminized either (not that there is anything wrong with that!), but with that you have a chance to appeal to more gender nonconforming kids, too. Thus far, yes. But moreso with this type of story, when I read it I envision reading it with or to my daughter. And if I can see that happening, I'll buy it, hands down. okay with me! As I go - page one: I enjoy the spunk already - page two: love the beetle pat and thoughts! - the first two pages seemed a bit info dumpy to me, but that may be because I've read it before, too. Or rather, maid-and-butler I suppose - page three: squishy wood? Intrigued. Tell me more! - page 7: running much smoother now - page 8: bit of whiplash? Wasn't our protag not keen on the adventure? Now she seems super excited to be out with mom? - page ten: generally, 'young lady' is somewhat patronizing for anyone over the age of about 9-10. I forgot how old your protag is though, so this might be appropriate still - page 13: I have so many thoughts and concerns about just chucking trash out of a hot air balloon... - solid end line!

Oh yay, Q&M are back! Overall I think there is still some fat that could be trimmed but the first chapter is a lot better! Second chapter is...was this a half chapter? I'm unsure what the end of the arc is. But, good momentum. Keep at it! I think the M chapter was weaker and maybe too tell-y. I wouldn't mind a lot more Q&M before getting the villain perspective. I agree with @Asmodemon Also agree completely with this assessment of knowing the baddie too well. There isn't much mystery As I go - Who is the Old Man? WRS? - haha love the LOLs - page five: please tell me that cerulean blue thing is an X-files homage - page 7: I really enjoyed the breakfast scene, but like last time I think, the drive is a bit long. I'm chomping at the bit for some action! - page nine: LOL at the wiles interplay! The B reaction is a little harsh to my US ears, but I know it isn't as strong a word in the UK. - page 17: the time hopping is still a little much, but I could get used to it I think - page 18: oh yay! Lesbian #2 isn't dead! - page 18: wait, now there is another Old Man? I'm confused. Also I don't think M needs to reiterate his motivations. They were pretty clear in the last chapter. You could cut this whole 'what he expected to happen' paragraph set -

In an effort to address motivation issues in Ch 2, and to have S be more active, I’ve changed a bit around. The most relevant changes are included in the document. Also here is Ch 4, which is like, a quarter of the length it used to be, to help with pacing and a better narrative arc. Mostly interested in: Does S act appropriate for 17? Is the pacing reasonable? Typos?

In for Monday!

Overall A neat story idea, but the protagonist is too young, I think, for what you were going for. I agree too with @industrialistDragon and @mrwizard70, so I won't belabor those points. 1) Do you engage with the main character, or at least think a kid/teen might engage? Good energy, and engaging, but seems more like 5-6, sometimes 7, than I think maybe what you were going for? 2)How is the character's voice? Does it need to be more snarky? less? something else? I enjoy it, but you'll have to give the kid some more complex reasoning if you want to age them up. 3) Who do you think will engage gender-wise? Kid has no discernible gender to me right now so... 4) Can you also enjoy this as an adult? (also, if you have experience with YA/MG, I'd love to hear if you think this works at all) Possibly. Depends on pacing and plot. 5) problems with plot/setting, etc. (Does it fit the "Jules Verne" mold?) I've not read Jules Verne, so I can't answer this one. Generally though I love the world and am excited to hear more about the N--ther! As I go - page one: current dialogue has the kid reading about 6, to me - page two: mom worship is VERY 6 year old - page four: I would put our protag at about 5 in this section - page five: the info dumping ages the book down, too. - page seven: so, I like the enthusiasm, but am unsure what the protag's goals are, or the direction of this story. Also as of yet, protag hasn't done anything - page 11: I'm wandering. Still not quite sure what the plot is, or what the kid wants - page 12: bathroom scene is cute and seems age appropriate for what you were going for - page 15: also like the spitting

Overall While the premise is interesting and the tension reasonable, there are some issues I can't seem to get around. The first is the level of fear T shows. It's more 1950s than near future, and it doesn't resonate. Is there some law we don't know of that would give her this level of fear? Is she from some conservative religious sect that will take away her kid visitation rights or something? My second, and perhaps larger issue, is the 'Bury Your Gays.' Could we settle for just a mauling, maybe? Heroic rescue by the cute lab tech who has always been just a bit more helpful than she needed to be? T has a remote with her that lets her shut the creatures down and then she like throws a slipper at M and he gets some of the pheromone on his face and then the things wake up and they BOTH get mauled? Yes. Also, if those horror movies were set in the 1950s, because this has a hard core 1950s vibe. Yes, I agree with all of this. I remain generally very interested in the storyline, and of course having lesbians in a story never hurts, but not super sold on the solidness or cohesiveness of this particular chapter. As I go - page two: the lines beginning with 'inhumane coercion' read a bit over the top - page 2: if she and E are lovers, why does she refer to E earlier as a friend? - page two: so...M here clearly has no idea what goes on when scientists go away on academic trips... - page 5: I'm confused. Is E in on the extortion? Is that why T is so broken up? Because the reaction seems way over the top for some same sex infidelity. Even in today's day and age, you're fairly well forgiven for cheating if it's because you just realized you were queer. There will always be hard feelings but like, suicide seems more 1980s 'I got caught with my lesbian lover' than future. - page six: okay, so E doesn't know? - page nine: still not sure why she is so upset about being exposed for having a female lover - err, not pleased with the ending.

Overall I thought the motivations and the relationship, especially with W, were somewhat lacking, but generally the plot is solid. I liked the forest scene a lot, and like the magic that is unfolding. I was kind of hoping the end would not involve her getting possessed by an 'evil' spirit, as that sort of lacks a twist (and I was expecting a twist). Still very invested though, and refusing to give up my 'ship. This is basically where I am at, too. ETA: I don't know to think, is the problem, about the two characters in this chapter. If she's stringing him along, fine. If not, fine, but I can't get a clear read on it, so I'm left to conjecture, and the conjecture wanders between unflattering and confusing. As I go - these chapters seem very, very long - pages 1-2: this seems like recap? Even with WRS I remember this bit from previous weeks (hello from the future--apparently this IS a repeat section. Carry on) - page 2: wait, why is O's love locked away? I need more here - have mixed feelings about stringing L along just so she can feel wanted - page four: why is she wondering if L could love an old woman? Why does she care about his feelings when they're old, but not right now? This seems inconsistent in voice - so, if a guy I didn't like romantically was checking out my body in a sexual way, I'd have a reaction. Not necessarily a bad one, but I'd react, if only internally. And if W is a lesbian, there would likely be a squick factor involved - page five: wait, why does she want to pursue his blushing?? So confused. Asexual but not aromantic, maybe? - page 6: a lot of rehashing through these pages, of things we already know - page eight: wait, she's going to go collecting again, but she just got knocked down for that. Didn't she say she was going to try to 'do better'? Seems pretty early to be breaking rules again, since she's still mourning the loss of being a hunter. It also seems inconsistent, since the voice up until now was 'defeated', and all of a sudden we are getting 'defiant.' - it'd be great to end the chapter on 'the crag was a drengir.' - interesting ending

It's a pretty small country, all things considered, so we definitely shouldn't constrain ourselves to just around Dublin. Co. Claire and Co. Galway are amazing. I'll end up going to Limerick and Waterford on my own, because those used to be my haunts, but Claire and Galway are great for tourists. Bunratty Castle is always fun to take people to. I think the Blarney Stone is skippable, but that might be because of how often I went there, drunk, for shenanigans.

Chapter three, which has had like half of it cut out since the last time I subbed it through here. Biggest issues will be if I managed to get all the relevant worldbuilding back in after cutting the boat ride. Other concerns remain: is S still acting in line with 17, and is the pacing consistent/working? I considered giving it an ‘A’ for angst, but really, that’s just a theme throughout so…buckle up! Please abbreviate all proper nouns.

Also up to help with planning, for REcon2019, since I used to live in Ireland! Definitely some places worth visiting more than others. Also, it's damnation and cool, so bring appropriate clothes!

@Robinski, I didn't get the LBLs. Send again?

I was wondering that, too. They have it, so something must have happened when they transferred the image over. The books go out to librarians around the country. They read and assess. The best part about being a finalist is that it gets the book exposure to libraries, which is awesome!

So uh, I'm an INDIES finalist in science fiction! SO COOL!

I volunteer as tribute!

I agree on the canned part. I think it was helped a lot later, with explanations, but without those later explanations, this fell flat. We needed more 'angry fae girl rage' or explanation before the elder scene, I think, and then a bit more emoting on all parties while in the scene.

I'd also like in for next week, but am happy to give up my spot for a newbie.