kais

Wait, I'm first? How did this happen? Overall This didn't have the same momentum as the first part, and some parts left me very confused. You could very easily break this into a separate chapter and lead with I, letting the E momentum build until you swap back to her for the S rescue (which I would have liked to have seen!) and the somehow movement through the crystal again. In terms of how this section was structured, I think taking out E's wandering, which did not seem to serve the plot, and replacing those words with her rescue of S and how they get through to the other dimension, would hold tension better and move the plot forward more. Still though, I enjoyed it! I'd have loved E to get more info from the E creatures, and maybe try to communicate. In that part I feel this didn't meet reader expectations, and I'd have liked more forward movement on that, if only a little. As I go - pg 2: are these wanderings and musings world building or are they plot relevant? They seem to just be filler right now - pg 3: so this room of power that she found...are we supposed to know what that is? I find myself disoriented here and unsure where all she is going due to the descriptions she is giving. This section doesn't seem as clear as the last, and the sense of urgency has bled from it with all the wandering. I'm ready for action! - pg 5: since the talking she heard from them earlier sounded like they just wanted to communicate, why did she waste all that time wandering and not trying to figure out how to talk to them? - pg 10: wait. I thought E and S were on 'our' side of the Net and I was on the other? How did E and S get to the other side? I am very confused now - pg 13: So S can use other house powers? Is that what is being hinted at? - pg 14: FFS @Mandamon, this hammock thing is going to kill me. If you ever do a Patreon, this needs to be a short in it!

Welcome @Snakenaps! Glad to have you on the board and looking forward to your first sub! A few of us on here are published, and I'm agented, so feel free to ask questions about any of that stuff in the lounge if you have specific questions. Otherwise, looking forward to see you around!

Catching up, slowly but surely. Overall Oh I loved the raptor app! That was a great addition! M POV chapters are always welcome. She brings such a refreshing voice and perspective. I had very few problems with this chapter. It was a 'travel' chapter again but it felt like we were finally about to get somewhere, and the dino payoff was well worth it. So, well done, and excited to cruise to the next part! As I go - lol at the curse combo on page 3! - pg 4: giggled at the app name. Clever! - pg 5: OMD? What does the D stand for? - pg 6: I love M's thoughts on maturity - pg 8: I continue to adore M's POV. More please. Well done to demand a pony! - pg 10: I don't understand what happened on this page. They got asked about the governmental van, someone drops something, and they speed off?? - pg 11: got captial 'h' on a 'her' in here that should be lower case - strong ending, though the M beat there at the end could be expanded a bit

I don't mind rereading things at all, so I'd say yeah, submit again. It makes future crits more accurate, too

Made it here finally! Overall Nice pacing and excellent plot development! Very few gripes, as below. I loved E's part the best, because I thought it had a lot more tension in it and emotion. I's part was great too but a little slower to start. I's voice is a little too much like S's throughout this chapter, so that might need to be looked at. This is definitely the most 'momentum' chapter thus far. It would definitely keep me reading. I liked E's part so much I started skimming just to get more info, then went back and reread a few times for the sheer joy of it! As I go - ooh I like the part in the epigraph where he talks about his lost memories about his other instance! - bahaha love the sweat glands line. Nice attention to detail - pg 4: it was unthinkable to disturb such peace as they exuded, all together. <-- I don't understand this line. What is trying to be said? - pg 6: running with hundreds of little feet is such an adorable image - pg 11: very smooth read up through here. I'm deeply fascinated by the transformation and learning more about the El! - I's voice is very much like S's here on page 11 - oh nice ending!

Sorry for the delay on this. Life and such! Overall The prose was lovely, as always, and I enjoyed the imagery. The story got too long in the tooth I think there in the middle, and I don't think the ending lands. It doesn't feel like the magician has gone through any growth at all, and I don't understand why he chose to use the blade to turn back into flesh. Why come to the court at all if he was going to do that? I'm left feeling lost at the end, without the payoff I'd like for such a strong start and such beautiful scenery. I think trimming the middle and fixing the end bit would make this a very strong piece indeed! As I go - As a first paragraph, I don't know if it would hook me. The magician seems really pompous and that's a turn off for me as a potential main character, just at the start - that first iteration of 'his price' and 'maker is a woman' also set the tone of the piece, letting me know we have male default in the world. For many I think it would definitely be a hook but for me it sends the message that this is a man's world and a woman struggling against it, which, for me, is exhausting because it is the current world, so another element that would make me wary of reading further - the moon reflection line on page two is beautiful - pg 3: my name to hear ear <-- typo, should be 'her ear' - why learn the way of gathering it? Why not just ask for her to gather and give it to him, since he has already paid so dearly? - pg 5: would like to see some of this panic the woman is speaking about. It's told but not shown in the magician - pg 6: which does make sense because <-- did you mean 'doesn't make sense' here? - pg 6: moonlight pouring seeping <-- one or the other - pg 6: if the darkness of her hair is going to keep being called out, using phrases like 'animal grace' is not advisable - pg 7: confused. When did his sight come back? - pg 12: the 'hands of a craftsman' line is excellent - pg 13: he spent half his life trying to find her? It seemed so easy from the beginning. This needs to be threaded in earlier, I think - pg 19: I thought he was only allowed one night? This seems to be going longer than that - pg 26: I find the story lagging here. I want some forward movement and it's still just a pretty setting with nice words. And that works at the start but I need some meat soon or I'll wander - pg 26: I still don't understand why she is letting him stay since she clearly gave a timeline. I feel like this is violating fairy tale rules somehow - pg 28: why does he want to remain there with her? I don't understand the allure. I need more emotions from the magician - 'black-throated' seems marginally problematic without discussion of what that means - So he.... uses the blade to bring back his life in the end?

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Oh come now. I'd give you at least a 2! You managed to code two power femmes pretty darn well without any outside help!

Overall It started strong, but I got confused around page seven. I'm not entirely certain what happened. It was thrilling, certainly, and the tension held, but I don't know really what S was doing. I think I might need a bit more around his separation from the group, and the how's and why's of what happens next. I think it has the potential to be a very strong chapter, and I do love S's POV. Just some cleaning in the last two pages would go a long way to helping me understand what is going on. As I go - pg 6: but it was like a sheet of ice, feet thick <-- wasn't it just like taffy? Contrasting imagery pulled me from an otherwise smooth narrative - pg 7: I'm confused. The rest go back the way they came and S...got to the special space time place in the crystal? How? - pages 7-9: I'm not clear at all what is happening in this section. He.... got to the space time pocket but still wasn't breathing so.... and then he.... ran farther into the crystal??

Ah, this should be fun since I just finished the last one! Overall I didn't dislike the last version, but I will say that this one is much cleaner and has few nicer beats to it. E gets a bit of a personality upgrade, there's more movement, and less 'the caller made this happen.' Very much improved and I enjoyed it a lot! Yes, I agree with this too. A bit of payoff would be nice. As I go - pg 2 and E is already SO MUCH BETTER - pg 2: oh thank you for the reminder about D! - pg 4: ignoring an urge to grip K’s muscular forearm <-- was this in the original?? I love it - pg 5: Do not give that adolescent a weapon, do you hear me?” <--- I think I liked it better as 'child', because it showed the attitude behind it - pg 9: still love the lesbian revenge line - pg 11: Guns made him uncomfortable, unlike M and her new pal D. <-- I don't understand this sentence - solid ending!

Overall Hmm, I don't know about this one. I felt like it didn't have a complete arc, and I'm not certain what the chapter's purpose was since it didn't seem to move them forward at all. Just a lot of talking and walking. I won't belabor this since I see there is a new version and this is a week old. Off to read the next one, and hoping for a bit more arc, or action! Do love those velociraptors though! Yes, the same for me. As I go - pg 2: But he believe that <-- missing a 'd' on believe - Who is D? WRS? - pg 4: what was M's ruse? WRS again? I don't remember - D is a plumber? Yeah I have no memory of this person - pg 7: this section could use some ice noises! As @shatteredsmooth mentioned somewhere or other, frozen lakes can be very loud or very, very silent. I'd say pick one extreme or the other. - pg 9: or as part of M’s raging lesbian revenge fantasy <-- I giggled

Sorry for the delay on this. I had an exhibition opening all last week and am just now catching up. Overall I liked this chapter a lot! It had good meat, made good movement, and was satisfying. I like the person S is becoming and I thought the information flow was just right. No real complaints either, just a few nitpicks below. Would love a bit more emotion in the trio, especially nearing bed time! I mean, they're all fairly old for teens, yes? Wouldn't at least one of them try to suggest sex? I felt this a bit, but I'm also more familiar with your writing I think. I'd love more relationship stuff on screen, for sure. That was the bulk of my comments. With that said, I like seeing the species as they walk, and it feels very in character for S to notice them. I'll agree though that I would have loved more of the dinner, and was very disappointed when it mostly got summarized. That would have been a lot of fun! As I go - oooh, I do like the kicker! - pg 3: I 100% giggled at 'layer' and 'seeder'. I'd like to think alien biologies more complex than that. Like maybe 'merger' or something. Fungi us clamps for sexual reproduction, so that's a potentially fun word! - pg 5: just wanted to say that I think the narrative is moving very smoothly right now - pg 10: S relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend <-- would like a bit more on this please, for the emotions! - pg 12: ah I like the reminder of Earth here - pg 14: bahahaha love the jealousy! - I think I would have really enjoyed a scene with all three of them trying to get into a too-small hammock!

I'll post the link here when it goes up! I think that will be Valentine's Day, but not sure entirely.

Nope. It was requested for a podcast for lesbian short stories and I thought hey, why not? I needed something for Patreon this month anyway! It'll be interesting to hear it read by people not familiar with the universe. I'm so used to my audiobook narrator's voice now that I don't know if I can imagine At or E any other way!

Got them! Thank you! Quite right. Fixed! Ah good call. Will reword Okay yes, this is a relatively easy fix This is very true! Ard is very campy space opera, whereas Q is a bit more heavy and serious. Sometimes I miss the ease with which I can write in the Ard world. It never takes itself very seriously @Mandamon noted this too, so I've changed it up a bit and clarified Generally speaking, when a lesbian (baring lipstick lesbians) puts on a dress, you are either in deep trouble, or about to be proposed to. Ahhh okay yes, I will work on this. I want it to be just right and if people are bouncing off it, that's not great. Thank you so much! I'm so please with this little short and hope the audio reading brings in some new readers!

Yeah, writing sex scenes is not generally in my wheelhouse. I'm excited to listen to that podcast. Unfortunately won't have time until after this is due. Ah, this was really useful to know. For the Patreon it won't be an issue because everyone there is familiar with the world. For the audio part the owner has requested a world synopsis before the story begins, so I'll be adding that so I don't have to bog down the narrative with worldbuilding from four books. It's very helpful to know, from a new reader, what worked and what didn't. LOL it's actually a joke, because the romance between these two started in book one and it took three books for them to do anything substantial. I still get emails about that from fans. So, I try to have them 'put out' more in the shorts. Fan service and all Yup. Will definitely add more on this. Thank you, and for catching all the typos!

Ah okay. Yes. There's that 'discovery writer' issue creeping in again. I'm going to foreshadow the koalas a bit more, give a bit more explanation at the landing pad, and better explain A's thoughts in why she needs to get to E. I'd been waffling about how much of it to discuss in the books because polyamory is sort of a not preferred topic in the lesfic community. But I think it's time, especially since both E and A's worlds have three parent family structures Crossover potential accepted Thank you for the quick read! Putting the final edits on this and uploading tonight! Glad it had good emotional resonance for people who have read the series.

Overall Not too many comments. I really liked this chapter and thought it had good tension and action. I'd have liked the chat between the twins and S expanded a bit more with emotion, as it all seemed very abrupt, but other than that I liked it a lot! I definitely think it could go into earlier S chapters to amp up the beginning of the story, but it also provides some great traction where it is, too. As always, I think your apprentice chapters are the strongest and the easiest to engage with, likely because those characters are doing more growth still than the older ones. As I go - pg 2: Nice to see a Sam growth reminder! - pg 6: do we ever get to know more about the Ari war? - pg 9: the Meth people eat the same as a southern Americana diet? - pg 13: I'm very into this passage through the crystal scene! Good tension!

This is a short story for both my Patreon and for a lesbian audio drama podcast that requested a sweet Valentine’s story. It’s 7500 words so don’t feel like you need to read it all. I’d normally sub it in two sections but it is due by Sunday and likely makes more sense if read straight through. It’s meant to be mush. 100% amusement. It has explicit sexual content though no actual sex, and is mostly silliness and emotions. Perfect for Valentine’s Day, I hope. For people new to the world - this is a short from a four book series. I’m interested in if you understand enough of the world to be invested in the two main characters. If you like the story. For people familiar with the world, are the people in character? Did the romance line work? Is it an ending you wanted to see? Thank you all!

I actually have the same request as @Mandamon. My short story is 7500 words, and I have to turn it in to the audio readers by next Sunday, so no time to split. Would it be all right to sub it all through?

Overall Generally I thought this was a lot more clear, and I finally have a handle on the plot, for what feels like the first time. Hoorah! The first redone interaction between Q and E was much better. I suggested one additional line that would make the second, much more awkward and off putting interaction, redundant and could be cut. Q is such an interesting character that when he has the consistency of character, his interactions with women, in particular, are more delightful than just about any other element in the books. I love this chapter still for his tenderness with M, but I love how you are developing his relationship with E, and I would pay cash money right now to kickstart (or just bribe) a new book where E joins the team. Seriously. I will PayPal you immediately. As I go - pg 5: so why does he want a distraction? Or is he trying to distract M? I feel like I'm missing something - pg 6: Is that male gaze .... <-- remains one of the best lines in the series, IMO - pg 6: I know your hurting <--- typo for you're - pg 7: That made her laugh <-- this is almost there. I think she needs one snappy comeback before they get back to business. Something like: Yes but in this narrative I'm a lesbian and you haven't figured out the true north for your compass yet. or something - pg 8: I don't think the banter on pg 8 works quite as well. And I think if you add something like the line above earlier, you don't need this part, anyway. Q's passive aggressive response to E's very repeated and honest rejection is off putting and makes me like Q less. - pg 9: One again, I'd like to plead for E being added to the team for the next book - pg 9: ahhhh I think I understand the evil plot finally!!! - oh NICE ending!

Overall I do enjoy R chapters, as I do most of the apprentice chapters. It's interesting to see the mess he's in, and how his mind works. So I was quite happy to meet him again, even with it being a POV change. Unfortunately I'm mostly confused by the significance of this chapter. What did it accomplish? I feel like it did accomplish things, but they feel murky to me. Maybe R could have a recap memory or something to group the reader? The chapter has good tension, and R is on character, and I loved the description of the Ari eating the other person. EXCELLENT. But the rest is a bit murky for me. I agree. I think it's one of the most engaging ones from this book yet! As I go - pg 2: As a reference, I don't mind having a Rey POV, because he's an apprentice and to me, the series has always been about the apprentices - pg 2: that they changed natural resources the minimum amount to make them usable in construction <-- a bit awkward. I had to read it a few times to figure out what it was saying - pg 6: i'm engaged but also struggling to remember what happened in the previous book. So, R is with some snake people and at least one Ari? Is that right? - pg 9: I... I feel like something very important happened, but I don't know what it is. I'm left mostly confused, but I think that's because I don't remember what happened at the end of the last book all that well

Didn't finish what I needed to so won't be subbing this week. Would like to snag a spot for next week though, if possible.

Under the wire is becoming my norm. I'm going to blame it on crunch time for my gallery exhibition. Overall A harder read, overall, than some earlier chapters, due to the sheer number of characters, the blocking, and that I'm more emotionally invested in the apprentices than anything else. Nothing felt particularly dire in this chapter, and I didn't get a real sense of tension from the battle/attack because there was so much changing between what character was doing what. This would likely be helped as well, if their were fewer POVs (I know, I know) so I could really sink into the ones that are here. I agree with this. Yes, very much this. As I go - I like the little background we get in the kicker - I'm having a hard time feeling tension with so many people. Because we get actions from all of them the narrative slows and the tension doesn't build well - pg 7: R's emotions about Or always seem to come from absolutely nowhere. The touch of mush on this page just seems so out of character for her - pg 9: I definitely read velocipedes as velociraptors - pg 13: I think I just have character fatigue. I can't sort who is who, and where they are in space. I'm far more invested in the apprentices and as I read this chapter, especially after the action ends, I find myself just wanting to be back with them, not with the 'adults' and their somewhat chill response to the Net being taken over - The ending doesn't have much of a punch

Fashionably late, per usual. Overall Oh much better! Emotion got dialed up and there's more action. I liked it! I think it still fell flat on M emotion at the end, as noted, and I still don't understand why K broke them out. I'd love to see a bit more action from E, she seems to be just along for the ride at this point. But generally, GO TEAM! I do at least 50% of mine at work, too! As I go - see justice done <-- you've got redundancy on 'done' from this sentence to the next - pg 6: I'm really enjoying this, but what is E doing while this firefight is going on? WOuldn't she... be trying to protect M or something? - pg 6: How quaint <-- this seems like Q's voice, not M's - pg 7: I still don't get K seeing the light, as it were, but I'm more willing to suspend disbelief in this version, where there was some action and a clear baddy - pg 8: oooh the emotions on pg 8 are excellent. Love her, darn it, Q! - pg 12 reveal is a delight - pg 12: wait, everyone is taking the son thing at face value? No one wants to be like, wait you have a what now? Also missing M's reaction