kais

Sure thing! Message me anytime with questions

Overall I thought this chapter started very strong. Much stronger than the last chapter. In fact, I'm not certain you need the last chapter at all, as I feel like you recapped in this chapter just fine, the events of the last. I was well engaged until everyone got to the council meeting, and then it started to drag. I think because there's no new information presented, it just seems like people are talking without really progressing the plot. My biggest gripe comes from the inconsistency in R. I'd never seen her as outwardly affectionate, and she has a lot of feelings right now about O, who does not usually return her gestures. And yes, that makes sense, but she's doing a lot internal monologue about love and sex that I've just never really seen her do before. She seems like two different people--the cool, in control one, and the wildly passionate one. The two halves just haven't really meshed together, I feel like, since that first book. As I go - that's a really interesting epigraph about the Net. It's got me thinking - pg 2: ah, see, I'm already more invested in this than I was the last chapter - pg 6: the pixie death is excellent. Very engaging - pg 7: and she would not let last night be their last <-- I know I keep bringing it up, but it always seems so forced and out of place. The hand on his shoulder worked. This line seems...very passionate for a person who is very dispassionate in actions and speech. I feel like it would be more in her voice to say something a bit disparaging, while still acknowledging her desires, like she wanted to see more of his sock collection, as offensively colored as it was or something. Obviously not socks but something with a bit more humor to it - pg 10: She’d never heard of the House of Strength manipulated in such a way. <-- there are a number of these instances in the text, where something we already know is presented again. Here, we already had a paragraph about how unusual this manipulation is. This addition reads as redundant. - pg 13: They’d taken so long to get to this point. <-- what point? I feel like I've missed some pivotal relationship dynamic with these two. As fas as I can recall, they were together, broke up for a bit, now see to be back together but O doesn't show much, if any, outward public affection, and R likes to poke fun at his clothing. - pg 14: this lands better: her friend, her lover, would be gone. - pg 17: same sentence you used 'hir' --> joined him - pg 20: nice ending to the section! Ominous - pg 20: why are none of them trying to really talk to the creatures? Since the things talk to them. Was that already tried earlier? Did they give up? - pg 21: a fruit makes a vegetable cooking base? Wouldn't it make a fruit base? - pg 22: brought his hand up to kiss his fingertips <-- when she grabbed his hand and he squeezed it, that worked well. This seems such an overt display of affection from her, especially when he isn't returning it as overtly. It just... jars against the mental image I have of R - pg 25: She’d make certain he slept well tonight. <-- this is an entirely different R, I feel like. This is the most sexual I have ever seen R. It just seems so out of place for in public. I could see her being passionate in private but it seems so out of character here - pg 30: the council meeting is going on too long, I think, without anything of substance really coming out - pg 32: the tension is really down here in the council meeting. There was good momentum when they were traveling but now it seems like the last chapter, with a lot of talking and not a lot of doing - I don't understand the last line.

I'm agented, so let me know if you want to chat about queries, who is good, ratios you should be looking for in responses, etc.

Overall I struggled with this chapter. I'm not certain what its purpose was. It didn't seem to really advance the narrative, except to introduce characters from book two. But I didn't feel like it introduced them dynamically at all, and there were too many of them named (even though I've read all preceding books and should know them!). Likewise, I still feel like the interactions between O and R are not romantic in the slightest. If it's just sex, cool. Yup. That I could see. But the cuddling seems very out of place. Does this chapter need to be here? Could elements of it be put into other chapters? I've been a big fan of R since the first book, but here she seems more like a device to introduce worldbuilding and other characters, rather than a character in her own right. Looking forward to the next chapter though! As I go - wait, is this our first R chapter? Is it picking back up from book two? I'm disoriented. WRS?? - pg 3: I find myself trying to find something to grab onto in this chapter. There's not enough...substance? to invest me in the POV (and I have always loved R!) and I'm confused as to some of the people in this group, where they've just come from (book 2? Did they just jump from book 2?) and where they are. There's too much new, I think, and the plot is pushing us to a new place but I need a minute with at least R, and some emotions maybe, maybe a memory, before I can really sink into this chapter and POV - pg 5: “My apprentice, where is he?” he asked. <-- okay here is where I start to connect. I've always felt drawn to the apprentices, like this was their narrative first and foremost. Here, where they start to worry about the people I feel are the main characters, is where I start to connect. - pg 6: I LOLed at the ankle line - pg 7: The random thoughts about wanting to be with O, from R, continue to seem very random. I do not get a sense of attraction between these two at all. It was strained from what I remember from book 2, as well. I just have a hard time believing they are a couple. They act more like mentor/mentee than anything else

I'll second this. You make good connections on Twitter, and can learn a lot about the industry As far as the spreadsheet goes, @Snakenaps, I wonder if you aren't overthinking it? It doesn't really matter if you know who the big five are or not. You can't get to them without an agent, generally. An agent spreadsheet would be the best use of time, and maybe a small/mid sized press spreadsheet then too, if you don't want to go the agent route. I'd say keep it small and digestible.

Doooooo it!

My edited chapter one is 5400 words. Would it be okay to submit in one piece, since we don't have many subbing this upcoming week?

I don't even know what to do with this information

I AM EXCITED! Overall Generally I found that a very satisfying ending, especially the last chapter and a great end line. Some minor nitpicks below. M remains the best, and I like the detail you gave E. Also good emotion there from Q, in regards to M and his son. I'd be well ready to go into the next book with an ending like this, especially as the Q/M relationship continues to evolve. Of course, I had hope that E would join the team. Going to just carry that hope on. Unlike the others, I liked the android line. I remembered M's feelings over losing 80, and I liked the plane addition, too, though there were a number of other wrap ups they could have done, as well. Was there a reason that particular one was wrapped up? Is that woman a player in future books? As I go - pg 4: A news broadcast on a national network had included his name, present location <-- I'm confused. The one above didn't have that information, right? What is he talking about? - pg 4: oohhhh, wait. I got it. Check - pg 6: oh nice work on that line with E maybe looking for T's hand! - pg 6: of Quack’s <-- typo?? - oooh wait, POV switch. I see - pg 9: I LOLed at 'half-queer' - pg 9: I love M - pg 10: I love the biplane gift, but how do they have that much money? And if they do have that much money, why do they work at all?? - pg 10: shaking loose shoulder-length platinum tresses which blew about in the chill breeze <-- this is definitively not M's POV. Sounds like Q - also... If M bought this very pretty android... I'd think she'd have a lot of smug feelings about it and would be watching Q's response carefully. I want to read about it! - pg 12: I guess that answers some of the money questions, but again, why work if they are so loaded? - pg 13: Her feet are TINY if she is that tall! How does she walk?? I'm 5'6" and my feet are 10.5, for reference. Now that's large, true, but 8-9 would be normal for that height for sure - LOVE that end line!!

I'd like to submit next Monday

Overall The plot movement is good, and the blocking strong. I think you could amp the creepy to make it more engaging, and I definitely think Mand needs to emote more. He's very mechanical right now and that makes it difficult to be in his POV. There was one really good line I flagged below that really helped me connect with him. More of those types of lines would be great! As I go - pg 2: I feel like we're just being told Mand's emotions, instead of experiencing them - pg 4: So much for his new Society Gah. I want emotion! People are just dying everywhere. THIS IS VERY TROUBLING - pg 6: I'd like to see more on Mand's guilt over whether he maybe brought this on because of his meddling. That's a really interesting thought process - pg 7: little feet patting the ground is adorable and I like the combination of cute and destructive they have - pg 10: He liked those shoes <-- I think this is the most voice I've seen from Mand in this book. Love this line

Overall A good start to the wrap up but as others have said, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like this is the start of another try fail cycle, where the stakes are raised, not the almost end. Also E tracked hetero in this so I offered some Deep Insight into lesbianism. Try not contain your excitement. I'd like this, too! As I go - pg 2: M killing Q's son is just SO MUCH SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO PROCESS LATER. - pg 3: the 'starting tomorrow' line is fantastic - pg 3: I stalled out on the descriptions of the FBI. One is a super plane woman, and the rest aren't described so... are they men? That would make sense, that lack of description, if Q were hetero but he's pretty cannon not so I'd expect a similar commentary on everyone coming in: a guy needed a shave, and the third one looked like she hadn't slept in a month. or something equally disparaging for everyone - pg 3: wait. WAIT. When did E find T? Where was this scene? I WANT THIS SCENE. I am deeply emotionally invested in E and want at least a hug between her and T that makes Q uncomfortably question his sexuality while also being turned on - pg 4: I'd like Q to linger a bit more on the his son being a hellspawn of the internet now. That's big and I need more more emotions - pg 5: This interplay is a bit off: “Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile. “Yes, ma’am.” She's talking like a straight woman with the gentle reminders and coaxing language. Suggest instead: "Still gay, *expletive name calling*. But have her do it kind of under her breath, so it's clear she's gently reminding and not reprimanding - pg 5: Would M not use stronger language than 'poo-poo'??? - pg 6: Yeah WHY is E with them and not with T??? - pg 6: if the lab got trashed then T wasn't there so WHY is she not with them in the truck? Lesbians hard core nest. If my girlfriend had been missing and I found her in a Super Secret Lab (E is a power femme which means she's got a pretty assertive streak, so this should track similar but not wholly what I would do), this would be the order of events (noting your current world) 1) anything broken/infected? 2) Emotional check in 3) kissing 4) let's go check on the others (drags GF along) 5) pause in corridor to kiss and/or cop a feel of backside while running 6) help with Big Boss Fight while telling GF to stay down and away 7) upon completion of Big Boss Fight, check on M, slap Q on the shoulder, retrieve GF. Repeat steps 1-3. 8) in truck driving away, snuggle/have her sit on my lap/wandering hands and maybe some emotional crying and probably whispered dirty talk about getting her home and cleaned up Point being, she wouldn't leave me sight and there would be EMOTIONS. Lesbians deeply love emotions. It's a little known fact that while the human race requires water and sugars to survive, the lesbian portion can survive solely on OMG ARE YOU OKAY TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS - I do like the end bit

Overall Good plot progression, and I'm much more inclined to enjoy a new POV chapter now that we've had some movement with our apprentices and time with them. The major issue was emotion--I felt like I got it from a lot of the side characters but really none from Mand at all. So many bizarre and horrifying things happened and he didn't really emote at all. I think there is a lot of opportunity in here to really let us get into Mand, see his side, reconnect with the novella. A few more emotions could do it! As I go - pg 5: was this chapter always so tight with tension? My goodness it's excellent! - pg 7: we don't get any emotion from Mand over the deaths, or real sense of wonder over the creatures. I need more emotion from him - pg 8: yeah they're surveying their losses now and Mand is just business as usual. Harsh and makes it harder to get into his character - pg 9: also lacking emotions on almost capturing one. It split in half and got away! That's cool! Emote! - pg 11: need emotion on maybe having caused all this. GUILT!

Better late than never! Overall Some dragging in the middle with the super maniacal Ni of DHOOM but other than that this read smoothly. Excellent tension, great M lines! E was a bit out of character but I flagged that below. Very excited for the conclusion, since the stakes just rose AGAIN! I 100% agree with this Unsurprisingly, I agree with @Mandamon on these points as well. The motivation could use some tweaking. As I go - pg 2: ah I see we're starting out with penis imagery. Very well. Carry on. - pg 3: . He had What the… thing want? It could not possibly be good. <-- is there a typo in here? I don't understand the sentence - pg 6: before she threw herself at the <-- this seems very out of character for E. She's been emotionally reserved and self destructive this whole book. Here she's written more like T, barely able to contain her emotions - pg 8: I continue to adore M - pg 10: I giggled at E asking Q if he was naked - pg 11: I feel like Q should have more guilt. I know its a moment of panic but... this is his son and he got turned into a... thing. Where's the why didn't I stay? Oh god, why didn't I stay?? - pg 12: okay the villain rant is going on a bit long now I feel like. N is starting to grate and I'm losing empathy - pg 14: M shooting her new raptors friends is going to be ROUGH on her later. Oof - pg 16: so why did the disrupter thing not fry Ni the first time? Is it a proximity thing? - pg 16: She looked like the avenging angel of all guttersnipes. <-- I adore this line!

Welcome back, and good on you for reworking! Overall A definitive improvement! I'd say the next step is to work on character buy in and trimming the excess fighting. I've got more notes below but generally, if you introduce an eight page fight scene like this, you need to have excellent reader interest in the MC--otherwise we don't care what happens to the MC and won't want to read more. I also don't know enough about the 'test', and the 'Approval' is nebulous for half the chapter. I think laying a bit more groundwork early on, without an infodump so just working it into a narrative, would help a lot. You characters don't have a lot of dialogue at this stage. Maybe trying putting in some banter to help give information and move the narrative along. As I go - just one paragraph in, and this is a much stronger start! - what is a winning or losing direction? Are you trying to imply like, a direction looking into the sun maybe? Uphill? - pg 2: fallen for her taunt <-- I don't understand. Fallen for a fake? Or she was being taunted by a sword? - I'd suggest not having both your starting characters' names start with 'M'. It's making it harder than it needs to be to separate them in paragraphs - pg 3: I think it's too early to get introduced to the BFF if it's just another fight scene. By this page I'm ready for progression, not the same scene but with different characters, especially when I'm only lightly invested in the first set of characters (it being early in the narrative) - Approval? Need more info on this, since it's a generic word, generally. What are they hoping for? It looks like getting an 'Approval' is the main goal of our MC, so it would be nice to know what all it entails so the reader can mentally establish a through line - pg 4: the info dump about elves could be better delivered, I think. We get it as an impression when I think it would come across better as 'hearing' part of the lecture and having Mad's thoughts as it goes. - pg 5: okay so at this stage I am confused. What is Approval? Why are they watching their prof meditate? - pg 6: I think your story actually starts around here, with this trial of sorts - pg 7: motivation established: more power because parents were powerless. It's fairly cliche and I'd suggest maybe going more with the wanting to be in the black thorn and just using the repository to get there (undercover? illicit learning?). The premise right now isn't engaging to me because it feels very over done. This isn't to say you couldn't do a fantastic job! But there needs to be some bigger hook, something grand or unique, to hook a reader into an old tale. Right now this has a 'sword and sorcery of Hogwarts' kind of feel, but without the wonder and depth. - pg 8: the talk about fighting is really dragging down the narrative. I think you could cut a lot of this in the middle - pg 15: the fight is too long, I feel, for where we are in the narrative and what we know about the characters. In order to care about the MC being hurt, I need to care about the MC. I have some interest from the opening page, but not enough for eight pages of fight scene. I also don't understand the stakes and world enough to get invested. What is the test? Why does it matter? What does it have to do with the MC's overarching goal of...general power (which in and of itself isn't building much buy-in, either)?

Overall I thought this was a very strong chapter. Good impressions from I, nice forward momentum. Good wonder and reveals. The way the information is presented now is easier to digest and I'm enjoying this facet a lot more than last time. I also really enjoyed E and I working together, and the information on Ari society. I've always been very interested in the Ari, since the first book in this series, and it's neat to get to see them through E and I's eyes. Nice emotions around S, too. The boyfriend angle is really gaining steam! As I go - pg 1: Accretion? It's capitalized so I assume important but...WRS? I don't know what this word means/is referring to - pg 3: pronoun question: how does I know to use 'they' for Mati? Does the Net give him that info? I makes a note of the pronoun used by Wo but he'd already used it. Was I using it as a generic pronoun and then it got confirmed as a specific one by Wo? - pg 3: I like the simple explanation of the binary in Ari society - pg 6: I's impressions and emotions are coming through very nicely in these pages. I'm well invested in the story - pg 7: She should rely on it more <-- dropped noun somewhere in this paragraph. I wasn't sure what 'it' was for a minute - pg 10: I don't understand the paragraph that starts with M broke in, "Yes... The differences in aging I think need to be explained a bit better. Advanced age is how you tell a blessed Ari, like... all at once? How is that different from looking old if you're a pillar? - pg 15: aww, I love the E and I working their magic together scene! - I like the ending!

Thirded. I had this same issue.

Little late to this. Sorry! Overall I liked it! Lots of action, good emotion, good movement. The end left me confused as to blocking and events (see below) but I like the good forward momentum to the ending and climax. Would definitely read an entire Q &M series, especially if their third wheel ended up being E (whom I also adore and should be added to their team, please and thank you. Solid mother figure for our gun-loving M). As I go - I love the line 'nothing continued to happen' - pg 3: 'he remembered her story' comes out of nowhere I feel and it took me three reads and a bit of pondering to figure out if it was just a 'he remembered her lost girlfriend' or 'he remembered a specific from the almost death of her girlfriend' - pg 6: the 'never called himself D' makes me think someone else is on the line, impersonating. But re-reading it sounds like maybe he is just really tired? Is this meant to arouse suspicion? - pg 6: 'girded her loins' I just find this phrase hilarious in general, especially when used by a woman - pg 7: typo: he could smell his a - pg 7: I expected more oral rebuttal from M over having to leave the raptors behind. I'm sad how quickly she acquiesces. - pg 8: ahh, here we go. Excellent. Carry on, M - pg 9: that was a very touching and cute moment between Q and M - pg 11: PLOT TWIST OMG - pg 11: ahh okay so it WAS meant to spread doubt, the use of the first name. Check! - pg 12: I'm confused by the actions here at the ending. They found the women, yes. They're....in another habitat I think? And then there was blasting and Ni walked out. I thought they were blasting into a habitat? But no?

I think I'll have an experimental piece for 3/16 if there's a slot

My university just closed for all classes that CAN be done online. Mine can't so still teaching! Well, still teaching as long as the primary schools stay open. If they close, like @lizbusby, I'll be with my kiddo so not a lot going on other than trying to salvage the house from a kid who really needs more social interaction than just a parent or two.

Welcome to RE and congrats on your first post! As the usual disclaimer, we are critiquing the writing, not the writer. We're all here to learn and grow, so know that the comments are made with much care and understanding. We were all beginner writers once, and we know how feelings can get trampled on very easily. Overall This read as more of you getting used to your world and fleshing out characters more than an actual start to a book. I'd recommend scrapping these pages--saving them in a wiki you use for reference. Then ask yourself, where does the actual plot start? What is the inciting incident that starts our hero on their journey? Since I'm getting a Hogwarts type vibe, think of that. The major inciting incident is Harry turning of age and getting all those letters, his power coming in, Hagrid bringing him a cake. It wouldn't make sense to start the book say, a year earlier, because Harry wasn't ready for his journey yet. By starting the book at the inciting incident, you get reader buy in immediately, and that serves as a hook to keep reading. I think you have the potential for a great story here. You just have to do some tweaking and edits. Keep at it! As I go - pg 1: prologues are very out of fashion these days, just FYI. There are agents who won't even read them if you submit them. It's best to ask yourself: is this really the first chapter (if so, just make it chapter 1) or is this backstory I could properly seed into the book? Either way, if you are looking to get published, the prologue has to go. If you're writing for fun, you do you! - in that first paragraph, I'd much rather be shown that A is a believer, not told. This paragraph is very 'authorial voice' so you might consider moving it more into active narration - pg 2: ahh okay I see. This prologue is serving as a worldbuilding info depository (we call them 'info dumps'). They don't grab reader attention well and most people skim over them. Try to integrate the worldbuilding into the main narrative so it happens organically - pg 3: I'd much rather experience the berating than be told about it. I want to connect to these characters but I need to learn about their personalities and see them in action to do that - pg 5 needs paragraph breaks. But also the prologue just got functionally recapped in one sentence on this page. I'd say cut the prologue entirely - numbers should be written out, not left in numeral form - some standard grammar things here, like tense changes, random capitalization, etc. It helps often to read your work out loud before submitting, as you catch so many errors that way! - pg 6: The professors of each <-- this section is infodump again - pg 8: going to backtrack on what I previously said. I don't think chapter one is where your story starts, either. It's more worldbuilding and no really character movement, and no apparent inciting incident (what starts the character off on their journey). I think these fifteen pages maybe belong in a personal wiki that you can use to reference writing the book, but don't make them part of the book - pg 11: I'm getting a Hogwarts vibe through here - pg 11: generally speaking, if you're doing third limited (which was what I thought you were doing but maybe not?) you'll want to keep your POV consistent through the chapter, then switch at the chapter break. At the very least you'll want a section break - wait, or did we switch to third omniscient here on page 12?

Overall Adorable. The ending was adorable and I love this trio so much. The first five to six pages really lagged but I think some cutting would do wonders. I do think between this chapter and the last it is a much stronger start to the book. It gives us what we really want--the apprentices--and the pace and tension are holding. I love Sam's evolution, E's new personality, and the wonder of the new aspect of the Net. Looking forward to next chapter! As I go - I find these first two pages drag. The last chapter was fairly dynamic and while yes, I want emotions from E, they're coming more as impressions of others instead of her own feelings, which is what I really want. I think it's because backstory is being slid into them as well, and it bogs the impressions down - pg 5: other instance. Said the big one <-- typo here, needing comma instead of period - pg 6: there has been very little happening in these six pages, and just a smattering of dialogue. I think you could condense these six pages into two, easily, without cutting any dialogue or emotion, and it would be smoother and more engaging. It's just a lot of wandering and thinking, which doesn't have the forward momentum I'm wanting right now after chapter one - pg 7: oooh I do like the attack on S. Good tension there - pg 9: love that fierceness line

Made it here eventually! As I go I think this piece really wandered. I'd have liked more worldbuilding and foreshadowing in the beginning, to lead to this end. Also I think there are some large plot holes, like the moss being burned en mass and that somehow not affecting anyone. More specific comments are below but I think going back through and tightening, putting the through line in at the beginning, and maybe considering a plot twist with the burned forest moss would make this a very strong piece. As I go - pg 1: isn't a reverse sunset a sunrise? - pg 2: got rid of the common cold! Nice! - pg 3: this is a short story, and I don't know what the through line is yet. In a story this short it should be apparent from the first page, generally. While I'm moderately intrigued by the world and the concept of deathless people, I don't yet know what our MC wants or why he cares. This makes it hard to get buy-in - pg 4: position within the church? There's a church? Did I miss this earlier? What church? - pg 5: he works for a church but also is basically the host for the city? This last paragraph on pg 5 dumps so much information I can't seem to sift it. No one can leave the town including the deathless, but didn't this one just show up? Where did this one come from? - pg 6: 'wisdom of the plan' repeated in the first and second sentence of the first paragraph - pg 6: wait, now moss is a plot point? Why didn't we get moss descriptions in the first page? Wouldn't the deathless be super interested in moss then? Also what color is this moss? - pg 6: that moss can only grow in this one place stretches my suspension of disbelief. That's not how moss works. I'd need more backstory and worldbuilding before being able to buy this - pg 6: again confused. What made the thieves stop coming for the moss? How do they protect the forest? And if the forest is burning isn't like.... the whole town not aging now? Forest fires generate a TON of smoke - pg 6: The MC is now also a forest guardian. He is busy! - pg 8: I giggled at 'sacred forest service' - pg 8: if the forest is on fire, there is no way anyone can see for miles. If a forest is burning near your town, its raining ash and the air is grey and thick - pg 10: I really want the twist to be that since the whole town had to inhale this moss smoke in mass quantity, now THEY ALL LIVE FOREVER BWAHAHAHA - the end didn't really have the punch I'd hoped. Did the deathless at least set the fires? Could our dude have had char on his fingers that the MC saw? That would have been nice foreshadowing!

Overall Good action, and the M POV was, as always, an absolute delight! Q's POV was fine too, and I enjoyed the movement into the facility and the blood dino battle. The ending left me a bit confused, and I'm not entirely sure what happened. They got inside, there were guards...then there's some plass that's about to be broken? They're trying to get to the hostages, right? And to do that they have to go through this place with the plass? But other than that, I found this very satisfying, with good movement to the ending. Can't wait for tearful reunions and awkward children things and the whole final boss battle! As I go - pg 2: I adore that opening line! - is a racial slur, just FYI. May be in character for M but it's almost as bad as the N word in many communities - pg 3: did you mean 'quick AND clipped'? - pg 3: LOL at berserker battle fury! - pg 4: She breathed, gasped, coughed for forged on <-- typo somewhere in here - pg 5: love the pun! Also tension great through here. You can really smell what M smells and wow do I want her out of there as much as she does! - pg 6: MANGE!!! - pg 7: YESSSSS she got one! I am so into this - pg 8: Just a style suggestion here, but I think these two sentences should be on different lines, for full effect: “I’m fine.” She really, really stank. - pg 9: I laughed so hard because I was shouting and it turns out M was shouting the same thing a few lines later! - pg 11: There’s an growing probability <-- typo - pg 11: I don't know if the line about teasing details gently is needed. I don't think anyone expects gentleness in this scenario. They're all a little unhinged

Overall There are a lot of good beats in here, and I think everything that is needed is present. Still some trimming though, I think, and S's emotions fall very flat for me, especially at the end. I don't understand how he is so calm about not being able to go back. Is he in shock? E's reactions are excellent when they finally happen, and I think could be moved up some. It drives tension, especially if S isn't going to be emotional. I'm not even getting a solid sense of wonder from him, just sort of resignation. It doesn't feel very S. It feels more I. E feels completely on brand, once she starts talking more and panicking. Much improved from the last time! Just a bit of trimming and some emotional expansion will have it I think! As I go - pg 2: I think S's statement starts the chapter off really strong, but the hit of his second line is lost by being buried on page two. I think it might land better if his first line is "I know how the D starts. With an invasion.' Or, 'The D starts will start on the heels of an invasion' or something. Then you can have a page of description and scene setting while we are riding the thrill of that information. The 'how will it start' line actually looses tension, I feel. It sounds too forced and cuts up the narrative - pg 2: Wouldn't V already know her other instance was dead? Why react this way to verbal news? I thought they had some mild telepathic links? - pg 3: The 'look at me line' needs some rewording, I think. I know what you're trying for but it confuses me every time I read it. I like the power behind it, and how it shows S's growth, but the words aren't quite right - pg 4: by this stage the tension has waned significantly. There are a lot of 'new' species and people talking and it's hard to stay focused on the threat. I find myself trying to figure out who is talking and why people aren't more concerned, rather than on what is being said - pg 6: I think what is killing the tension is a lack of urgency. I don't feel the panic. I feel a bit disoriented, like our young apprentices, but I don't feel worried or afraid. I think the emotions might need to be amped, both internal and how people are reacting externally - pg 8: Here, where portals are failing--especially with everything else going on I'd expect S to be just downright terrified. He can't get home, to the only home he now remembers. I isn't herself, there are things eating magic, and his magic doesn't work right. He doesn't need to panic due to his anxiety, but I think he should be overwhelmed a bit, even if he is hiding it and putting on a brave face. And I'd expect more touching from at least one of the twins. Some sort of grounding thing so they all know that even though the Net is being weird, they still have each other. - pg 10: ahhh yes, this freak out of E's is good! Would like it a bit earlier I think. She's been way to calm for all that has happened to her - pg 11: S is soooooo calm. I is freaking out and he can't get home and his magic doesn't work right. Some part of him must be panicking - pg 13: I think it ends on a good beat, of taking E to her people.