Kobold King

Last I heard Abbie was still drawing idealized pony pictures of me and stammering "It's not like I like him or anything" when confronted about it. So it's still pretty open-ended.

If you were given a time machine, what time period would you visit first and why? If by some wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey circumstance you learned that you will have a daughter destined to lead humanity to victory against the invading Empire of the Tainted Blood, would that knowledge impact the way you live your life at all?

I asked that as a joke for other Sanderfans reading the AMA. Didn't expect him to actually answer it--though of course, his response was perfect.

I could imagine Batman as some sort of Ferring, probably an electrum Ferring. He'd store an attribute all day while living as playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne, only to tap into his reserves by night when he fights crime. The kind of delicate balance and planning feruchemy involves seems to fit Batman's psychology, I think.

Oh, we're doing lesser-known Sanderson works now? Here are a couple of references to "I Hate Dragons." The protagonist's situation: Good Guy Dragon:

I am so sorry. I don't know if this is the right thing to say, but I have an idea of how you feel. I lost one of my cats to a car last November, and I was utterly devastated. I still find myself sombered when I think about him, though I've since pushed through my initial grief and can remember him with a bittersweet smile. The point is... it's hard losing a pet, especially to something as sudden and cruel as a car. I can't express enough how much I feel for you, and what I feel is just a thin shadow of what you're going through right now. All I can really do is utter a prayer for you, give you what sympathies I can, and encourage you to give your cat's brother a good scratch behind the ears on my behalf. Like I said, this is a terrible thing. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this; if you want to talk about it any more, we're here for you. And if not, you're still in our hearts and minds. Have an upvote as a sign of the hug I can't give you. Once again, my condolences.

Awesome! Glad you're happy! Whatever you feel comfortable with. I'd most certainly upvote it. Good for you! We've had a well-loved cat missing for a few days--one certain Sergeant Zimmykins, a fluffy black cat who's extremely sweet but not very outdoors-capable. We were seriously worried that she'd been nabbed by a coyote, but this morning she interrupted me with a meow while I was praying for her safe return. I extraordinarily delighted and relieved.

I clicked the second spoiler instinctively.

Though do whatever you want, of course. I'll just bide my time until someone names a fandom I actually know something about.

Lame pun that came to mind because I'm probably pronouncing a character's name wrong.

I'm happier than a jackrabbit at an all-star country music play-off!

I'm as happy as a barefoot sea turtle in a hall of luxury swim-flippers!

Thanks. And I do try to give my characters both logical consequences and flaws. Still though, I try to remain vigilant. I'm still a very new and inexperienced writer, so it'd be all too easy to fall into the trappings of Sue-dom. "Pompis." Well OK then. Still not as weird as my nigh-sixty-year-old grandmother watching Firefly with us and speaking highly of Nathan Fillion's butt. So what you're saying is... you think Obliteration is the hottest Epic?

You're right, and that's how I've been trying to keep it in mind so far. I'm just a worrywart where my characters are concerned, I suppose. It's still weird thinking that Twi finds certain things attractive. It's like hearing your mother call an actor on TV "hot"; realistically you knew that she must have some opinions on what makes a man attractive, but it's odd hearing the words come out of her mouth. Twi x Obliteration is totally the best ship, though.

Lightwards is also unambiguously a villain, and this test is geared more towards Mary Sue protagonists. I worry more about Sam, Revolution, or Vondra then I do about Lightwards or his ilk.

Nice. Thanks for the link. Taking a look at the Mary Sue test right now. Does Lightwards' bowler hat count as "Clothing that is impractical, improper, or inappropriate" for the setting?

Is it just me, or is Shiny Sparkle essentially the Pepe le Pew of Epics?

I'll say this much for Shiny Sparkle: she's a far more organized creep than Deathwish is.

I would, but I've never read or played Infinity Blade, which is the current fandom awaiting a response.

Yeah... that's pretty accurate. She's an adept at this, I take it.

Can we then give him wings and a horn and declare him the Princess of Harmony?

WHOOC Wes who's benefited from Gummy's wisdom, maybe. Canon Wes still wants to devour all mammals, if you remember.

Grrr. Our one major disagreement. That... is a good question. While I'm usually quite the headcanonist, "Midnight" is the one episode that is centered entirely on an inexplicable mystery. It is the one episode where even the Doctor has no idea what just happened, and I've yet to see a fan theorist come up with a 100% satisfactory conclusion on what the creature was. However, I do have one idea that could help explain it. The entity was trying to understand humanity. This was actually an idea the Doctor himself brought up towards the beginning of the episode; that the creature was curious and, not knowing anything about humans, was simply trying to learn and say hello. While the malevolent turn the creature's actions took might seem to discount this notion, I don't think that it does. A major theme of the episode was how even normal people could become monsters when they let panic get the better of them. They turned from a nice and enjoyable company to a hateful and dangerous mob, not because they were being manipulated by some alien malevolence, but because mob mentality is a part of human nature. It was only towards the end of the episode that the Midnight creature was actively goading them on. I propose the creature was an immortal, body-less spirit that possessed absolutely no understanding of human life. Perhaps it was some strange presence that evolved on Midnight itself. Perhaps Midnight is secretly a portal to some bizarre dimension. However this entity came to be, I believe it was earnestly attempting to understand humans and then communicate with them. First it destroyed the front end of the train, a gesture which was only meant to be a way of saying "hello." Puzzled by the train operator's sudden lack of vitality, it decided to move further along and communicate with the passengers, first by knocking on the walls and then by possessing one of their number. From there it did nothing but mimic the humans, first mimicking their voices, and then even mimicking their behavior. Observing their increasingly panicked and hostile state, it determines that this is the human way of saying hello to new lifeforms. And so it joins along. Being incorporeal and immortal, it doesn't understand death and what it entails for us lowly mortals. So it believes it's participating in a harmless human welcoming ritual by cheerily rallying the passengers to toss the Doctor off the train and killing him. By the end of the episode, the Doctor is confused about what sort of creature would do such terrible things, and the creature itself is confused about why everyone threw it off the train and stopped playing along with the ritual. There's really no evidence for this interpretation, and there's probably something in the episode I'm forgetting that proves me unequivocally wrong, but I like to at least harbor the possibility that the entity wasn't quite as malevolent as it seemed. I would never be caught conquering a race of innocent yet so easily conquerable creatures. I may be a self-proclaimed monarch, but their consent was strongly implied, their swiftly quelled resistance movement constituting only a friendly joke among friends. More seriously, I am indeed the King of the Kobolds, but I have yet to find one single kobold willing to acknowledge me as monarch. That's a common confusion. You see, the incredimazible member Awesomeness Summoned, who sadly no longer prowls these boards, made a topic in which he created pun-ridden profile pictures for everyone's profile pictures. In my profile picture, he reshuffled the syllables in my name to declare me the Bold Ko King, and thus gave me a crown sitting atop a bold "KO." Here's the topic, if you're interested in learning more of esoteric Shard history. Mizzy. She's smart, capable of improvising bombs from nearly anything. She's funny, giving hilarious commentary on a whiteboard as her boss outlines a plan for killing a supervillain. She's tough enough to [DATA EXPUNGED]. And she dots her 'i's with little hearts. She's just awesome all 'round. Without breaking eye contact, I would take the alfredo and take a big bite out of it. I would chew it slowly, deliberately, thoughtfully. I would do so for a while, still keeping my eyes locked on them. Then, just when they start to feel uncomfortable, I would remember that I'm probably allergic to the gluten that's in the pasta and I would spit the bite out onto the grass, turn to them, and say "Delicious!" as I pat them on the shoulder and invite them into my home. I'm assuming that anyone who follows me close enough to realize my love of fettuccine alfredo probably knows I'm crazy. And anyone who tracked me to my home and surprised me there with no forewarning is also probably crazy. So there's no use putting up a pretense of sanity around them, is there? Blood... sacrificing? Quiver dear, what exactly do you think I'd do with big gallons of cultist blood? Where would I store that? What situation would possibly arise in which I would need big gallons of cultist blood? What would I do if I accidentally mixed up the cultist blood with my cherry Kool-Aid while guests were visiting? How would I explain that to them, Quiver? I can't encourage anyone to worship me, but if you want to express your appreciation, just click the little green arrow or send me a PM if you're feeling verbose. Keep your blood pumping in your veins and arteries please, 'cuz I don't have the storage space to keep all your ritual bodily sacrifices.

Pffft. Perhaps this sounds insensitive of me, but I find the whole gender debate just a tad bit silly. I have twirled around in the middle of a rainstorm, belting My Little Pony songs at the top of my lungs before skipping through a field of wet flowers. If you doubt my sincerity in that statement, ask any of my family members. They'll collaborate my statement. The point is, I carry a purse, watch ponies, skip when I feel like it, and am not above batting my eyelashes and making my cousins feel uncomfortable by asking if they think I'm pretty. These are behaviors that are generally categorized as female, but as Skaa astutely observed, social constructs do as social constructs do. I was born male. As far as I'm concerned, being male is my birthright, and I get to choose what that means. If I decide that skipping through a field of flowers is male, then it is. If I decide that carrying a pink floral purse in public is male, then it is. I don't "identify" as female because to me, changing the way I identify myself is conceding defeat. It would be admitting that their definition of being male is unarguable, and that the only way to act in the way you like is to change your gender. I'd rather make my own rules about what being male means than try to sort myself onto the expansive gender-queer spectrum. I'm not really male, I'm not female, I'm not really transgender or asexual... I'm Kobold King, and that means exactly what I say it means. Nothing more, nothing less. EDIT: Disclaimer, the purse I carry isn't actually my own. It's my mother's. While my father always holds it at arm's length as if he worries it will bite him, I feel no qualms about wandering across the supermarket with it slung over my arm beside me. Just thought I'd avoid giving the impression that I am a purse aficionado, because while purses are neither male nor female, they're not really Kobold King either. I prefer deep pockets.

And I joke a lot, so I'm sort of like a clown... wanna come over to my fortress of fun and punch me in the face, and then hand me into the care of an incompetent mental institution that will allow me to escape and wreak havoc again within a week?