Unamed Story synopsis

[Nathrangking]

@Archer, @Ookla the Apostate What do you think now? What do you all think about this description as the basis for a novel that I'm working on. Any questions can be addressed to me either here or in DM.

 

 

Back of Book Description.docx

Edited December 30, 2018 by Nathrangking

[Blessed peace]

Most interesting, I'm intrigued.

[Nathrangking]

This is good @Blessed peace!! That was what I was going for.

[StrikerEZ]

I like it! I’m definitely intrigued by this as well!

One thing that I think would make it better would be to use lest passive voice and more active voice. So instead of “Weapons of power are sought out by each side so that their enemies can be crushed underfoot,” I would use “Each side seeks weapons of power to crush their enemies.” Something like that makes it feel more relatable.

[Nathrangking]

8 minutes ago, StrikerEZ said:

I like it! I’m definitely intrigued by this as well!

One thing that I think would make it better would be to use lest passive voice and more active voice. So instead of “Weapons of power are sought out by each side so that their enemies can be crushed underfoot,” I would use “Each side seeks weapons of power to crush their enemies.” Something like that makes it feel more relatable.

I moved to the active voice on that one thanks!!!

[StrikerEZ]

1 minute ago, Nathrangking said:

I moved to the active voice on that one thanks!!!

You’re welcome!

I can’t remember any specific examples of the top of my head, but when you showed me that play you’re working on, I think what had been bothering me the entire time was that you were using passive instead of active. Passive has its uses sometimes, but using it too much can suck away the narrative drive. (Trust me, I use it too much as well)

[Yezrien]

Looks like an interesting set-up. The world has lots of built-in conflict, both before and after the the story gets going, which is great. And it has a lot of hooks that make me want to know more: What are these two sides fighting over? Why are they against peace? What are the goals they should be focusing on? What are the ancient weapons of power? (Gotta love those ancient weapons of power!)

What's missing (i.e. your next step) is the protagonist. Is this story about the person who's fighting to reveal the truth and end the war? Or is it about the person who's in charge of maintaining the status quo? Or both? I'm assuming it's the first, maybe with another POV character in the second camp.

I recommend adding one good paragraph about the main character, what's unique about them, and why this fight is personal. That'll sharpen this idea into a real story.

[Nathrangking]

8 minutes ago, Ookla the Apostate said:

Looks like an interesting set-up. The world has lots of built-in conflict, both before and after the the story gets going, which is great. And it has a lot of hooks that make me want to know more: What are these two sides fighting over? Why are they against peace? What are the goals they should be focusing on? What are the ancient weapons of power? (Gotta love those ancient weapons of power!)

What's missing (i.e. your next step) is the protagonist. Is this story about the person who's fighting to reveal the truth and end the war? Or is it about the person who's in charge of maintaining the status quo? Or both? I'm assuming it's the first, maybe with another POV character in the second camp.

I recommend adding one good paragraph about the main character, what's unique about them, and why this fight is personal. That'll sharpen this idea into a real story.

There are two leads one from each camp. As to what will be the story lets just say that both sides will be at odds with the two leads who are their top agents.

[Ookla the Paradigm]

I have been summoned!

The blurb provides some background information and raises engaging questions in the reader’s mind. But it doesn’t hook me. I’m not invested in the fight you’re setting up. I’d like to see the central character mentioned, or the armies further developed so they seem like characters/entities. Right now, all I’ve got to go on is general concepts. The second paragraph does a nice job of giving the event importance (it’s significant because this is the first time they’re full-on brawling), but I don’t have enough of an idea who’s involved, or what the stakes are. Civilization’s collapse is such a hard thing to contemplate. The reader needs specifics and examples to latch onto. Also, the time this is set in/tech level would be helpful. A mention of swords or guns would help the reader get into the right frame of mind. I’m having trouble picturing what going on.

It appears to be a rough draft, so I’ll assume you aren’t worried about the grammatical errors (missing words, mixed tenses etc.). Just remember to do a read over to make it easier to read through.

[Yezrien]

Definitely better. Good buildup of my expectations. I guess I'm still looking for a more personal angle. This description has a lot of abstract generalities, but not much concrete detail. It's a good top-down view of the plot, but when I pick up a book in the store, I think I need it to paint a more vivid ground-level picture. What exactly is going to happen in this book? Is it action or intrigue?

Maybe I'm just trying to get details to satisfy my own curiosity, but I'd recommend telling exactly what the plot is from at least one protagonist's POV: Who is this person (specifically, with details)? What (specifically) do they want to achieve? How (specifically) will they go about it?

Edit after new version:

@Nathrangking

Okay, I'd say you're setting up an intriguing story, but it's not a great back-of-book synopsis. There's way too much information that I can't understand without reading the book. At this point, I think it might be advisable to write a different kind of document, a longer pitch/outline, where you can explain all this without worrying about fitting on the back of a book. If you're committed to doing the jacket synopsis, I think you need to really simplify it. Explain what happens in the early chapters. You don't need those long winding sentences that explain all the backstory.

My most urgent question is this: What kind of world is it? Is this a complete alternate history where the Roman Empire is still around, and still fighting to subdue Gaul? Or is it a relatively real world, where this ancient conflict continues only in the shadows?

And also, a few grammatical points.

• An em dash can have spaces before and after, but hyphens shouldn't.
• Commas are your friends. Please use commas.
• Try to simplify sentences whenever possible. The third paragraph is particularly difficult to understand.

Edited January 1, 2019 by Ookla the Apostate

[Nathrangking]

On 12/29/2018 at 0:54 PM, Belzedar said:

 

@Nathrangking

Okay, I'd say you're setting up an intriguing story, but it's not a great back-of-book synopsis. There's way too much information that I can't understand without reading the book. At this point, I think it might be advisable to write a different kind of document, a longer pitch/outline, where you can explain all this without worrying about fitting on the back of a book. If you're committed to doing the jacket synopsis, I think you need to really simplify it. Explain what happens in the early chapters. You don't need those long winding sentences that explain all the backstory.

My most urgent question is this: What kind of world is it? Is this a complete alternate history where the Roman Empire is still around, and still fighting to subdue Gaul? Or is it a relatively real world, where this ancient conflict continues only in the shadows?

And also, a few grammatical points.

• An em dash can have spaces before and after, but hyphens shouldn't.
• Commas are your friends. Please use commas.
• Try to simplify sentences whenever possible. The third paragraph is particularly difficult to understand.

The complexity is one of my issues. I tend to write like this still have to sort through that issue. I am glad that the story is intriguing that above all was the goal. The jacket synopsis is my attempt to share with this community and grow a bit in the process.

It is an ancient conflict that continues as a shadow war for the most part. Their resources also allowed them to fight a cold war.